Champaklal's Treasures - Edition-II

A Poem of Radhananda Corrected by Sri Aurobindo

Radhananda's original poem:

Why burnest thou, O fire, within my soul?
Cheated by hope I sink beneath the strain
Of thy divinity that has allured
With its huge promise of unearthly goal
This human, yea, too human self of mine!
Too long have I thy scorching bliss endured,
Too long the ecstasy of god struck pain!
Madden not thus my failing flesh and mind -
For mercy's sake, tell me what Might divine
Has blown the blaze of thy effulgent wind
Into my life? What immortality
Beckons thee forward, guides thee from behind,
O Shining Shadow of Dark Mystery?

Poem as corrected by Sri Aurobindo:

Why burnst thou thus, O fire, within my soul?
Baulked of my hope I sink beneath the strain
Of the divinity that has allured
With the vast promise of its far off goal
This human, O, too human self of mine!
Thy scorching bliss I have too long endured,
Too long this ecstasy of god struck pain!
Madden not thus my failing flesh and mind —
Have pity, let me feel the Might divine
That blew thy blaze on some effulgent wind
Into my life. What immortality
Beckons thee on or guides thee from behind,
O Shining Shadow of that Mystery?

Sri Aurobindo's comments on the poem. The numbers in the left column refers to the lines of the original poem.

1) Rhythm weak.

2) "Cheated" is too common and violent to be in tune with the style of the poem.

3) "The" gives a larger idea than "thy" and avoids a rather awkward construction of the syntax.

4) "Promise of unearthly goal" is not English. "An" or "its" is needed before the adjective — in the latter case the first "its" has to go. "Huge" gives a sense of uncouthness which it is not your intention to give.

5) Yea is archaic and rhetorical.

6) I alter the order both to get rid of an awkward inversion and to give a more natural turn to the repetition of "too long". To put the object between the subject and the verb should be avoided — it can only rarely be used and then only in order to get an unusual and powerful effect. On the other hand to put the object at the beginning for the sake of emphasis is permissible.

9) "For mercy's sake" is impossibly colloquial, — it cannot be used in poetry.

10) You cannot speak of "the blaze of a wind" — the phrase is too violent.

12) "Or" is indispensable here for smoothness in the sense.

13) "Dark" is out of place, it gives a sense of something sad and ad- verse. "That" referring back to "Might Divine" and indicating some supreme rahasyam would be much more poetic and profound.