A Captive of Her Love

15.4.1958

You ask about the bed I sleep on. It is comfortable, probably American, with iron springs - and an arrangement for a mosquito net, but this I will use when there is more rain. And my dresses? All are useful in a way - I mean the summer dresses, although I was told that it can be quite cold in winter, so I shall probably need the summer jacket as well.

I have now terrible "fights" with unconsciousness and inertia, but this picture of the tennis game helps me so much. Only now I feel it differently. My partner stretches Herself into a Sea of Grace into which I throw back the balls. And as the number of balls and the number of strokes is not infinite but limited, the time will come when one by one the balls will not come back at me from the Sea of Grace, but disappear in it. Seeing it so, I get force to go on and I feel it is better to do as much as I can and not wait for the future.

But no real progress is possible without equality. The time comes when this has to be learned definitely and to me most new things come through love. It is not real Love for the Divine if it is still without equality. So I feel that She will teach me equality now, through love for Her in all people, things, events. I aspire and aspire for equality. If I could apply the same wonderful way I always use when I feel pain, to all other happenings! Loving Her immediately in each fact, being, movement, as I love Her when I feel pain. It is real Grace that I can feel it so. Almost always the pain disappears, as if it melted away in love. Now I have had it with my liver again - since two days ago. I do not give in, even in the smallest things. I eat normally, do exercises and at such times there is always a moment She finds to give me more courage. Yesterday She did it when we were marching in group in front of Her. I felt so much Love in Her eyes when She looked at me that again nothing mattered. Of course, She does it with everybody when it is needed. But I always feel that it is connected with my inner fights and often it is formulated in words. But it is often terrible to discover how strong the ego and the desire soul still are. Of course, it should not be terrible for me, I should have equality, but I still do not have enough of it. I felt awfully hurt when She did not sanction all my projects to arrange the garden in the Nursing Home and this upset me. Thank God, I begin to be thankful when dirt and nonsense show themselves - as I said, it is better for it to be now, as early as possible. They must come out sometime, but still it upsets me.