A Captive of Her Love

20.1.58

It is like being flooded. She pours and pours in and spreads Herself to all the corners, holes and caves of the being. And it is a continuous fever of self-giving and a continuous imploring and calling Her to come. The self-giving seems to be so insufficient and so poor when it faces the Grace. And when She comes, She becomes so near that I at last begin to feel free with Her, to talk to and adore Her in Her manifested body as She is here. I did not yet do it and this is also so wonderful how every tiny movement of life is being harmoniously arranged. There are already many threads connecting me with Her - not only the darshan and classes - although I have never talked to Her yet. Only once when She distributed sweets and I asked Her for one for our patient who could not come. But the threads are there: the doctor who reports to Her every day, Pavitra, Nahar who wants to create these connections, asking for photos of Her for our Nursing Home, telling Her probably about me, etc... Here we are all captives of Her love. This is not an abstraction or a sentimental expression. This is as realistic as anything can be. And it is just sheer delight, the life here. Anyway that is how I feel it. In the morning I awake and there is no inertia or coma, the first thoughts and my heart's beat are She and it is just love, and love. And Her vibration is in me, it often comes with great force and this makes it also possible to be able to face Her during the day - the love is this bridge between the drop of sea -water and Infinity.

Eating in the Dining Hall is a delight - She is present, really present - I feel Her and I offer my food to Her. (I always feel like telling you that I am very matter of fact, do not think that it is my Polish imagination!) The most wonderful thing is Her Love for us. I come near to Her only during distributions. There have been six such distributions since I came. The first on the day I came, when Her eyes' Vibration broke a crust in my eyes into my soul which felt as if somebody had made with an instrument two holes in a screen or wall. On Christmas day, She flooded me with a vibration of such sweet Love that I did not know how I could possibly bear it. On the 31st of December there was the distribution of the New Year's message and on the first of January distribution of the calendar and Prosperity. The fifth time was on the 14th of January when She touched my hand with a purpose (I knew it) and all my being went aflame. Yesterday there was the distribution of sweets after which I am again a different human being and nothing else matters but She. Now, each time the waves work with such a strength, I just try to withdraw into a corner and sit still. I know that not everybody here is open and surrenders to these waves strongly, but I write you what I have experienced. Anyway there are many who do - and probably much stronger than I. And this problem of more or less is no longer important to me. I do not compare. After a time She will probably widen my consciousness by flooding it more and more - and I will be all these sadhaks who do not surrender and all those who surrender - because She is all these sadhaks together.

But I wanted to write about the Love for us. She surrounds me with care and loving Force and thoughts although She does not speak to me. My French is improving with such speed that I can follow the translation of the Synthesis without difficulty. And She gives me all the ideas about how to make the Nursing Home harmonious and beautiful. And She gives everything I ask for. Yesterday I asked Madhav for Mother's signature to hang on the wall in the Nursing Home. You know Her signature is wonderful when large and framed. I did not know that that needs Her sanction. In answer She told Madhav that She will sign in the middle of the paper Herself, if I make a frame for it - not a real frame, but just a drawing around the paper. And this will be framed later. My gratitude is so great! You know how my being needs to be relaxed, loosened and how I would love to be in painting and drawing only Her pure instrument! And She is just doing it, because now each smallest line and dot on this drawing I shall try to draw with such love that it almost annuls myself and then She will come and draw. She said to Madhav: "Janina is an artist and when she draws it I shall sign it."