A Captive of Her Love

Pondicherry 22.12.1957

Now I want to tell how it is with this difference here - the substantial difference. When I was outside the Ashram I had faith - now I know. Every day the vibration from Mother's eyes enters my eyes when She gives darshan and it spreads all over the body. Now I understand that when one is outside one has no idea in a way of what is going on here. Yes, theoretically one knows - but coming here proves that it is just a complete revolution. In my case it might be the decisive action as well of the psychic, but I feel as if I who have been walking on my feet, am now walking on my head. It is also a continuous hunger and thirst - although a hunger filled with peace - for this vibration. Do you feel what I want to say? In the morning I could fly and be there quicker and wait, but it has nothing to do with Her physical nearness - as some people here still do, just trying to see Her whenever they can. My life is completely changed, I am just possessed. But this cannot be expressed. I only know that it is a glory to be Her servant and instrument. Why am I writing about this difference? Because I know many questions we were asking ourselves outside. Now there is no use asking and answering questions. God came on earth and is living here in a human body. It is clear that I cannot yet grasp it, although I am here, but all eternity is before me.

I attended a lesson of Mother for the youth. Among other things She said that probably the dominant aspect in the supramental manifestation in the coming age will be that of Power, for the new race will need to be protected and that is why the Divine Power will have to protect it from destructive powers. Naturally, she said, that does not mean that the other aspects, Love, Joy, Knowledge will not be present. I have written this sentence for you because I persist in showing you what a difference here the direct Love means, Hers for us and ours for Her. I shall never forget how She said it, although before, when I was in Europe I could never have felt it like now, if I had only read such a sentence. At the end of the lesson She said She wanted to give us an important recommendation: never to want to take it but always to try only to open oneself, to give oneself, to surrender with as much ardent aspiration as is possible to us. And she repeated several times that there is a danger in each movement of wanting to take (This refers to the Mother's talk of 18 December 1957. Janina wrote this paragraph partly in French. Her recollection of the Mother's words was not exact).

What I have learned during these first days is - but I shall write about it another time. Now I want to tell you that yesterday I was accepted by Mother to attend a class of older youths and sadhaks during which Mother translates The Synthesis of Yoga into French. Before She came I had to wait near the table, just like a child in school (Oh! I tell you, this freedom here and this being a child is a glory) and when She came She handed me a book and a nice copybook with Her indescribable smile. I can look at Her only when I stand under the balcony. When She is so near me I cannot. Maybe because first I adored Mother as the Highest and I cannot even move in such moments, when She is near. But it will come. She will create it. She creates everything. Pavitra kneeling at the great stone of Sri Aurobindo's Samadhi, a girl of 16 with a face of almost a pure spirit, the work of hundreds of sadhaks who pray working....