A Captive of Her Love

29.12.1957

It is such a great happiness, such an unspeakable glory and at the same time just businesslike or like the working of a power station. Every morning during the Balcony Darshan we are filled with as much as each can bear of Force, Love, Light. It is quite clear that it is Her work on each individually - and, for the day, we are dismissed to do the work. It is like a conference of the manager-director (understand me well) with his workers. I have experienced so much during these few days, as if ages had passed since I left Karlsruhe. I have come in a period where She has more often contacts with sadhaks and they say I am lucky. But this is the childish aspect of many sadhaks here which probably often prevents them from going faster in their yoga. This is not like being a child - about which attitude I wrote to you in my first letter. Pavitra is a wonderful example of this most mature attitude of a real child. I understood this problem of an infantile - not right- attitude when I asked Pavitra if I could offer Mother for Christmas the Polish Madonna; he kindly smiled and said he will help me to hand it over to Mother. I then said that it was not necessary that I do it personally: he looked at me in a certain way and then again smiled at me in a different way than before, with such appreciation that I understood much. With me it is so, that during the darshan I give myself to Her and She gives so much that I see all the other contacts with Her as if I did not deserve them and as if it would be too much of Grace. And I have an inner contact with Her that is very deep. I have not spoken yet to Her, I only love Her and surrender as much as I can, from all my heart and with all my strength; and now I begin to learn, persistently, during the day, only to open myself and only to give myself and then She is there, She is in me, pouring Herself through me on whatever or whomever I am at that moment in contact with. It is not all the time and there are so many suggestions and waves which try to prevent it, but I am quite fanatical in my inner discipline now. And you see, there is a tremendous difference between that awful strain in the atmosphere of Europe and the atmosphere here. Sri Aurobindo said it clearly, that there is a value in Her physical nearness.

So I wanted to tell you that on Christmas day She just sat in an armchair under the Christmas tree in the playground and not only we, the sadhaks, but other people too could come and get some sweets from Her, which, of course, meant the contact with Grace. We, the sadhaks got more (I got a kind of diary with Her words), and when She gave it to me and looked at me, I just became again a different being. I even did not know how I passed farther and I stood for a time in a corner of the playground filled with something that cannot be described. And my everyday life is not easy. She gave me as helper a woman whom I shall not describe here but who is, humanly speaking, very difficult. But although no word was spoken, I know that Mother gave her to me that She might love her through me. And so I try and learn every day and bring to Darshan all the Nursing Home, with my helper, my workers, the furniture, the walls, the ceilings - everything I bring and give it to Her in my heart. And She gives me Force again. What I am sure of is that what I am experiencing is possible when the self-giving is very strong. Then the life becomes so intensive that nothing matters but She. But She is in everything. During the Synthesis Class I give my mind to Her and I feel the Power at work. I try very hard never to approach Her or be in Her nearness without intense concentration and meditation which for me also means self-giving. All this shouting and noise and agitated people and the Divine in the middle!!! So was the Christmas ceremony (after the organised part) and so are often the children in the playground. But I am in this respect a fanatic and when I have once in my hunting for my God got a glimpse of Him I shall not allow anything to deprive me of this....