A Captive of Her Love

6.2.1958

I understand and feel what Sri Aurobindo said about not being concerned with one's own perfection. I simply forget all about it. I just have a kind of fever to be able to serve Her and nothing else. There is no place for anything else. Only to do Her will.

Do you know what happened yesterday? Mother sent me a sadhika whose husband was very ill, he almost died, but Mother kept him alive. Now he is out of the hospital and at home and now this Indian lady came to me to ask some details about the diet. But I felt that Mother wanted more from me and as there are no patients at present I proposed to go every day to her home and to supervise the servant and help with the cooking!! I am so happy because she accepted the proposal - I mean Mother has accepted it. I shall see Her in the sick man and I shall cook Her in the food and She will help me. But I would like to learn more from a book, and if you would send me one with recipes I would be awfully grateful. I feel the Mother must be laughing too about Janina's cooking! And in all these arrangements She is also teaching me French, because I had to prepare for Her the list of needed articles and write some explanations.

You should see me in the Indian "kitchen", cooking on the charcoal stove on the floor!! You are really missing something! Sometimes I pinch myself and realise that it is not a dream and I chuckle to myself. And you should have seen me today humbly serving "the king" and assisting humbly while he was eating! He is a darling old man. The doctor in the hospital said that his illness cannot be cured, but Mother works in all the cells of his body. So I know and feel that Mother is cooking through me and I pray and pray and try to learn not to do anything else but just to pray in all I do for him. Today I made vegetables (beetroot), rice, poached egg, one banana boiled in water with honey and a beaten egg-white with sugar which he liked best. I think you would burst out laughing seeing my worried face when I look at him to see if he likes the dishes I served or not. Until now he has liked everything, my dear!! So do not laugh too much! And now I am thankful that I did so much mountaineering and cooking on the rocks and at the lakes. Here it is done in just the same way. But here I have a servant - of course - who washes the dishes! So you see that it was only in the Belchenstr. 19 (The address of the friend in Germany to whom these letters were written) that I was treated badly and washed dishes every day!

This evening She will again distribute sweets in the playground. Something must have happened in my being as there was never such a glorious happiness in me as today. I do not want anything from Her - I just give myself and love Her. And so I shall go to Her this evening, to Her as the Universal Vibration who acts everywhere and is everything.

I had a very bad pain in my ear (the pain has been going on for two weeks). But since the day She touched my body with Her fingers, I said that there can be no compromise and that She is the only Master in this body of mine. So yesterday there was a kind of climax and I knew that the pain itself was She too and Her supreme Love working in me. I felt a great happiness - I implored Her that She help me to persevere. I knew it would not be right to ask for the pain to disappear. All this was going on in the afternoon and I went to the Synthesis lesson and implored Her all the time while we were waiting for Her. And then She came and stopped at the door and looked at me. I sit on the last bench. She just encouraged me to go on and the pain did not stop then. But She took it from me after one hour and allowed me to do my physical exercises without pain. Since then a great nearness and intimacy have been created, because She is in me and I in Her. This is how I begin to realise it. She is also the one who feels the pain in me, who moves my limbs, talks, thinks and feels, and this She does in every human being. So slowly She goes on widening my consciousness. Sometimes I am so thankful that I would like to give Her something great and wonderful and a few days ago I felt that I can give Her all the world, why not? If the time comes when all the world is in me, why should I not - in my deepest act of gratitude - do it?