A Captive of Her Love

7.1.1958

The most wonderful thing here is, that everything gets another meaning - another vibration - as the Divine lives here in a body. Maybe it is most for those whose psychic has opened and who go on deepening their self-giving and surrender, but it is so. For example the word adoration gets completely another sense when you just thrill in a state of Love for the Highest that exists and this Highest smiles and sighs and translates with you the Synthesis and touches your hand and gives you a sweet and arranges the flowers on the desk in the class. We usually put into adoration some distorted elements. What else can there be, when a particle of dust looks face to face into the Infinite? This is the most normal state in such a situation, I should say.

And as to the climate; it is now the best time for Europeans to come, there are nice showers, cool evenings and during the day no more than 30 to 32 degrees. But the sunshine is strong. Until now I have not put anything on my head and I do not wear glasses. Nobody does, they have umbrellas, but not everybody. So I will see; I will try to live as normally as possible. For me nothing else matters now but She. And this is not a state of excitement but peace.

My letters have not given you until now an idea of the most inner process that is going on - the deeper and deeper self-giving. It is as if I was continuously being broken by overpowering Love, Her Love; it is clear that the ego hidden in all the corners must disappear and I experience it as being broken, the body too, and the body kneeling prostrates itself with its forehead almost on, or on, the floor. This movement comes spontaneously and a vibrating force moves the body. It is just natural and it is a delight too, there is no strain in anything. And all this process is connected with X (Janina's helper). In Europe we would talk about asuras and forces and try fervently to remain positive. Here, Mother has given me X that I may give myself more and more to her as if she were Mother Herself. All these orders I get during Darshan. And X is Mother Herself. So I often prostrate myself inwardly during my work with her. I often kneel near her (understand me well, I am very matter of fact!) because she is the Highest with a mask. And then when I do it with enough surrender and purity I feel Mother working through me. I do not know what She does but now I have experienced that if we give ourselves to Mother in the evil, as if for being eaten up, She can really do the work, Her work. But all this comes just naturally, there is no tension, only happiness and gratitude and pain and suffering mixed together in a state that I cannot describe yet. And every day during Darshan She fills me with what She wants. Today She was as if not satisfied. She wanted still more surrender and stepping aside, but I go on. And I begin to love X with a force that just overwhelms. I have understood that Mother wants my Darshan adoration and surrender to widen into a permanent darshan towards Her in all things.

And now about Sri Aurobindo. If you could see some of the faces here when they kneel near the Samadhi or just lean closely and almost caress it, you would feel that this is a Living Stone. And if you could come to Him and kneel and put your tired head on this Stone, your worries would disappear and peace would enter into you. There is such a loving tenderness vibrating and such Power that I always get strength to go on when, after my work with X, it seems sometimes that I can no more go on - and when I come to Him and put my head on Him, this is not adoration as we understand it in our ignorant way, this is just Love for the Living Lord. Allow me to write as it comes. The time for things that will interest Heinz will come too. But I must remain natural in my writing.

When we, or rather She is translating the Synthesis, I sometimes think that a time will come when She might no more stay with us in the body (when She chooses it so) - and that so many human beings will never come in touch with the indescribable glory of Her presence; many will not even know that at that time Heaven was on earth. Oh! I am so grateful, that my being has really no more room to contain all these feelings that fill me. When we read about the Highest Universal Energy (She reads aloud in French - Pavitra and another French sadhak prepare their own translation in advance) and one knows that She is this Energy - I just cannot describe what I feel....