Talks by Nirodbaran

14 May 1969

Last week I had read to you the life story of a remarkable yogi, which all of you had enjoyed and cherished. [Mahatma Krishnashram's story]. It seems that our photographer, Vidyavrata,¹ has met this yogi and that much of the story is true. He doesn't talk with visitors, and to the chagrin of Vidyavrata, he doesn't allow himself to be photographed! He was a witness to the Sepoy Mutiny in 1857, so now you can calculate his age!

Now that we're in this mood of storytelling and you children like nothing better, I intend to tell you a story. I feel a little sense of guilt for pushing the Lord from our midst by this digression, but I hope He won't mind, for He has a sense of humour. The story is about a sadhak² who is half-baked and half-boiled, like the bun you receive in the Dining Hall; ungainly, charred, crusty, but with some soft stuff in the centre. He is a very ordinary person like any one of you. He doesn't live in close oneness with nature. He is fond of good clothes, laughs, sometimes weeps; eats and sleeps like everybody else, has a good taste, a sense of humour, enjoys good food and tea. When invited by generous ladies, he is ready to taste rasagullas and pantuas³ made by them. He enjoys good company, likes sweet faces, sudden graces. He has a bit of a poet in him, lifts his eyes to the stars at night and, saying Amen, goes to bed.

You see now that he's like any one of you.⁴ "Then why bother us with such a story?" you may ask. But I believe that one's life is very interesting if one can look at it with detachment; it may even appear very comical. The comical part appears when this sadhak, like M.

1One of the early sadhaks who came to the Ashram in the thirties. He was almost the official photographer of the Ashram. He used to go out frequently, and had once been to see Shri Krishnashram.

2A sadhak is one whose aim in life is to attain the divine consciousness. He is engaged in sadhana, which is the fixed discipline to be followed in his chosen path.

3Indian sweets.

4Nirod-da

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Seguin's goat,⁵ says: "Il faut du large"⁶ At times, "magic casements" have opened "on the foams of perilous seas"⁷ and the voice of the Master has seemed to say from behind the rocks: "Beware, beware, don't make a fool of yourself. Beware!"

Well, now I will tell you about the Master and his asinine disciple! I will be a little sentimental and personal, but as we have become a close and intimate circle, meeting regularly for three years, sentimentality and personality can be permitted.

My book, Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo, has made history. The younger generation may take time to appreciate it, but these elderly friends, who have a background of culture and experience, will look at it more lovingly and appreciatively.

This is the one book that has made me what I am and what I want to be in this and other lives to come. The book runs to about three hundred and fifty pages without the preface, and contains letters written to one person only. Except another sadhak who corresponded with Sri Aurobindo, nobody else has received so many letters. The correspondence started in 1934, first in a meagre manner and later in full swing, and ran into three hundred and fifty pages in a few years. But mind you, not from any sense of pride do I say this, but rather from utter shame - though I used to walk on air when I received the letters, and life was a song - it is still a song, but a sad one! I am really ashamed for having taken up so much of His precious time. In a human way, you can see how much of His time has been wasted in satisfying one person's curiosity and in humouring him. But this correspondence was intended for my soul's development.

The book, in the form of questions and answers, gives no idea of what and how much I used to write. The letters were often eight to ten pages each, and He used to read all that at night. The only

5From a French story for children, written by Alphonse Daudet in 1869. Seguin has a goat who is treated well and has all it wants, but pleads for some liberty and wants to get to the mountain. Seguin warns it of the dangers on the mountain, including the wolf. When the goat escapes, it takes to the mountain and roams wildly, happy until the evening, when the wolf kills it.

6"The rope needs to be loosened."

7John Keats, "Ode to a Nightingale", 1819, Stanza VI!.

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consolation I have for all this youthful enthusiasm and effervescence is that He found my letters interesting (though interesting has many meanings!). But once He called them, when a bit piqued, "your soul-stirring communications!"

At times, when the correspondence was suspended due to too much work or due to the Darshan,⁸ I was naturally dejected and used to lament. He made an exception for me, and to prevent others' grudging objections, taught me an innocent Divine trick - to hide my private book under cover of the medical report book! I whispered it to one or two persons, and as nothing in this world remains a secret -this too became a universal secret! There used to be indignant protests from other devotees against my blasphemies. Why does this fellow, who doesn't even accept Sri Aurobindo as Avatar,⁹ still get so much favour and leniency from Him? They used to fret, and they wouldn't understand why I was so favoured and why Sri Aurobindo treated me like the prodigal son. I didn't care; I cocked a snook at them! My caravan went on and I ignored the wayside barking.

A glance at the Contents page [of Correspondence] will reveal the large freedom He gave me to discuss any and every subject with Him. At times, He said, "I am trying to intellectualise you," (and then softly) "but I find that you're a blockhead, a wooden head." But it is not so much the content that is important, though it is true that my knowledge of spirit and matter doesn't go beyond this book. He has given me more than His intellectuality; something else, which no words can describe. It is the tone, the attitude in which He wrote all this, that is the most important thing for me. I suppose that it is the same for all of you here and others outside the Ashram. The tone was

8Refers to the four occasions each year, on Feb. 21 (Mother's birth anniversary), Apr, 24 (Mothers final arrival day at Pondicherry), Aug. 15 (Sri Aurobindo's birthday) and Nov. 24 (the great Siddhi day when the descent of the Overmind Consciousness into Sri Aurobindo's very body occurred), when the Mother and Sri Aurobindo used to sit in the room upstairs, giving their silent blessings to the Ashramites and the visitors who used to flock to the Ashram on these days. Darshan can be loosely termed as the sacred viewing of great spiritual petsonalities, held to confer great spiritual benefit to the viewer.

9The avatar in the Indian conception is the very descent of the supteme Divine into a human being who shows humanity the path to be followed for spiritual liberation.

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a revelation to all the people who read this book, whether outside or inside the Ashram. Most had never seen this aspect of Sri Aurobindo which was reflected in His letters to me.

Some asked how I dared to stand in front of Him for Darskan? Didn't I tremble before Him? They couldn't even look straight at Him, so grave and austere were His face and countenance, without a smile. But I forgot everything when I bowed at His feet, and He seemed to be so gracious that I forgot that I had taken so much liberty with Him. Why tremble when He had never even used a harsh word? When had He not forgiven me?

What tenderness, indulgence, encouragement, sympathy, what Divine patience, and above all, what sun-like humour, to raise and encourage the 'Man of Sorrows'¹⁰ in me. At times when I stumbled psychologically, He encouraged: "Shake off the dust, go on the way!" He has rescued me from the slough of despondency with His encouragement and sweetness. He tried to widen my narrow medico-material outlook on things, so that ultimately He succeeded in turning my 'outlook' into an 'inlook'!

Intellectually, I can say that I've gained a lot. Whatever knowledge of philosophy or science I've gained is limited to this book. I know that there is not only science, but super-science too. How I fought with Him, and against homeopathy especially, but now I can assert and confirm its value. Now while my medical colleagues do not believe in homeopathy, I fully believe in it. And how I fought with Him when He gave His own example to prove that some things which I thought were impossible to change were indeed quite possible to be transformed. He said: "I will keep on beating you and bantering you till you believe."

There is a kindness that can crush. His unaccountable kindness and Divine largesse have crushed me and have made me His eternal servant, however unworthy! And all this to what purpose? I do not know why He was so generous. I was quite an average human being, why then rain upon me such a cascade of benevolence ? Was it due

10 From the Hebrew Bible, Isaiah 53.

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to previous karma? That can never be, I could never have done so much! I needed to have either been an impertinent sinner like Jogai-Madhai¹¹ or an advanced yogi in prospect. But I was neither, that much common sense God had given me! Why then, I used to ask myself, pour so much unlimited bounty on a very ordinary person like myself ? Once I put Him this question and His cryptic reply was, "Find out for yourself." Till today I've tried to find, to search, discover and seek, but without any result. I do not think that in this life, or others to come, I will find an answer to this problem. Perhaps it is because of this? [pointing to a quotation on the board which read: 'He who chooses the Infinite, Has been chosen by the Infinite'¹²]. It is still a mystery, but its effect I can never forget. Whatever I am today, and hope to be in other lives, is due to Him. Whatever happens in my life always reminds me of His grace and compassion and has made me, for this life and for lives to come, an eternal servant of the Lord.

I came here to the Ashram without any clear idea of what I wanted.

Idid not have any spiritual seeking, yet I was lured by Him and was caught in His 'luminous net.'¹³ Now whenever there is a black cloud in my life or if my feet tend to go astray, He holds me back. Whenever unwholesome thoughts or contrary actions sway me, this correspondence reminds me how much He has done for me, and keeps me steady. This is the eternal debt I owe Him. And this I can swear -that I will be here till my last breath, and that breath shall remain as pure as possible. I know that I cannot repay even a fraction of what He has done and is still doing. It will take hundreds of lives, even if I were to try. Human kindness can be repaid, ladies and gentlemen, but you cannot pay back Divine Grace, because the Divine gives without measure, without bargain or motive.

He left no stone unturned to bring my soul to the Light. All this He has done for me and He has tried to make me a yogi! He began by

11Jogai and Madhai were two Brahmin brothers of Navadwip in Bengal, who had been criminals and murderers, but were converted to a spiritual life by Sri Krishna Chaitanya.

12Sri Aurobindo, The Synthesis of Yoga, SABCL, 1972, 20: 47.

13From Sri Aurobindo's poem "Who": "In the luminous net of the stats He is caught," SABCL, 1972, 5:40.

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trying to make me a poet and He succeeded, though not all at once; I began by writing a few lines in Bengali as well as in English, and He had to do lots of corrections, many marginal notes; then finally He succeeded in moulding me - He said, "A poet is born!" There must have been some soul-sparks in me, of course! Since the Lord has done so much for me, I should serve Him as best I can, and do whatever He has prepared for me. Therefore, let me in this life try my best to be true to Him. This is my aspiration and human endeavour.