Talks by Nirodbaran

24 October 1969

Well, friends, and members of this class, we have been presented a beautiful handkerchief in appreciation of your attendance and of my lecture, by our gracious and gentle friends from Shantiniketan. I'll leave it here so that, on every occasion we meet, we may be reminded of it.

I hope you won't mind my occasional consultation of notes; it is not an examination, after all. (Laughter) My memory fails me at times and I become somewhat nervous on seeing a big crowd before me. Now, first of all, I hope my friend Sisir will excuse me if I have defied, and will continue to defy, his perfect English tongue. Though I've been made a teacher of English, and even a professor, I have no

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legitimate claim to it. It is, by all means, a fluke that I've become so! (Laughter) Here, in this Ashram of ours, many kinds of miracles are taking place. As Sri Aurobindo has said, "The Force is giving birth to poets" - by "birth", He means spiritual birth. Those who had no poetry in them got it here. So also, artists, painters, etc. are being born here constantly, sometimes in mushroom-profusion, and I am one of them. My entire life, small as it is, has been an exhibition of back-door success ... Please don't frown, I am not going to sing my own song for long. I will now, before I take up our proper subject, for which you are waiting somewhat impatiently, start by a little digression in the manner of Lamb, if you like.

My young friends know how my friend Nishikanto and I have been sustained by two mantras received from our Master. In my case, He wrote to me, "I will never forsake you," and when Nishikanto was passing through a difficult period, from which he is still not free, He said: "Let him stick on." Well, he has been sticking on, though sometimes he is rather sticky! He is sticking on so much that he has become thin as a walking stick, and carries a stick in his hand. He is literally carrying out the figurative sense of the word! Yesterday, he came to me - we do meet now and then. We used to meet frequently, but now there is some separation due to various reasons - not inner reasons - inwardly, we are as friendly as before. He came and said, "Let me embrace you." (Laughter) Well, unfortunately, I am rather allergic to embraces. (Laughter) I said, "Kobi, that won't do." "All right," he said. "You stand there and I stand here, and in between us, there is an empty space. Now, you stretch out your arms, I stretch my arms, you do this [embracing space]? (Laughter) That is Nishikanto par excellence. Again, the ladies present here will say: now he has started blowing his friend's trumpet. Very well, I'll cut it short.

The digression I wanted to make was about me. I've told you about how Sri Aurobindo's mantric words have sustained me through all my trials and ordeals and in my moments of despair and frustration. I've also talked about how He is helping me as well as others. But I am concerned with myself for the present and here is another instance of

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His help. These are domestic troubles (my friends from Shantiniketan, please note), which I share with my friends here. I share with them my stories of shukho and dhukho, hanshi and kaanna.²⁷² I've told you how, from time to time, I suffer from some headache; a major headache is this class, of which you are the cause and the Lord is the physician, or if I may put it the other way: He is the cause, He is the physician, and He is the cure.

Here is one more of the headaches, which I call Padmasini²⁷³ headache! (Laughter) Please don't mind, my friends, perhaps I'm talking in riddles. What I mean will be clear by and by. It means 'troubles about servants'. To explain the matter a bit at length, Padmasini was in charge of these servants. When one was absent, depending on her whim, depending on her will and the servants at her disposal, she would replace him or her. Now poor Padmasini (or rich Padmasini, I don't know which) is out of the picture. The responsibility of the servants has been taken away from her, whether for good or for ill, we don't know. But now I realise that this much-maligned Padmasini had some good points in her.

However, now that she is no longer in charge, what we have to do when our servant is absent is that we have to find one for ourselves. No Padmasini, no Kameshwar, no other Ishwar! (Laughter) We have to go out to find one from somewhere. Now, this is a matter which ladies can do very well, but someone like me cannot do. The absence of servants hangs like a Damocles' sword on my head, and yesterday, it came very near falling on me. I have a small page boy, not Viola, by any means, yet whom my friend Sudha found very sweet! But he didn't turn up yesterday! And it was raining cats and dogs, so I could not go out and find a servant. What to do? So my subconscient mind started working, and the blood vessels in my temples began throbbing. What to do ? - all the vessels were now washed, the room was cleaned, but still the questions: What should I do? Where shall I go? Well, anyhow, in such a crisis, what I do is to make a call to the Master,

272Happiness and sorrow, laughter and tears.

273The sadhika in charge of the Ashram's domestic department.

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an S.O.S. I said to Him, "At this critical juncture, what am I to do? Tumi agatir gati, jar keho nahi tumi achho tar.²⁷⁴ There's a class in the school, and all your bhaktas are waiting." I threw this bait because, as you know, the Lord is a slave of bhaktas; if not for me, for you He'll definitely do something. Then, moving between the extremes of doubt and faith, I came to the class and forgot all about it. When I went out after class, the more I neared the Ashram, the greater became my throbbing headache. But, lo and behold, the miracle had taken place! In my absence, another servant had come - the elder brother of this young fellow - without my asking him. How did he come sharp at 11 o'clock? You can understand how happy I was. I felt like dancing and singing, but I only said, "Allah is great." So, if this is not a miracle, I don't know what is!

I will tell you another small incident. This happened yesterday, so I take it as an indication of destiny that it should be told to you. A friend of mine came to me yesterday to tell me of a miracle that she'd experienced. She arrived at Madras station, but the train was an hour late, so she'd missed the Madras-Pondicherry bus. She would have to wait for hours, with her children and her friends, for the next bus. You can understand her difficult position. All of a sudden, there floated, or flashed, before her mind's eye, the picture of an old driver of Abhay Singh.²⁷⁵ She is somewhat perceptive. She thought, "What's this? Let me go out and see if there is an Ashram car there, by chance." And lo and behold, she found the same driver she had visualised. He had fetched some passengers from Pondicherry to Madras. Then, after some talk, the driver agreed to bring all of them home to the Ashram. "So this is a miracle," she said. "I wish I could write about it." I said, "Don't you worry, I will write about it for you, and I'll use it for my talk."

Well, friends, what I mean is, you can see at once the point of my digression and how it is connected with our subject in many of these

274You are the Last Refuge; He who has no one has You - in Bengali.

275Abhay Singh was a veteran sadhak in charge of many departments, chiefly, the transport section, with all its vehicles.

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classes. Some of you may scoff at it and think that it is a small incident or maybe even a mere coincidence, but as Sri Aurobindo said, "What are coincidences? There is no such thing." These are trivial incidents, no doubt, but I lay great importance on these because I look on them with the eyes of faith. I see the Divine Hand working even in such trivial matters, provided we rely on Him entirely. If we allow Him to do the work which He is ready to do, if we discover the secret of surrender to Him, then He takes care of the smallest details and arranges everything as needed. Even in this small instance, the Divine Hand is seen. And it is very important to me because I am, or rather was, somewhat of a materialist. Like Pranab, we want some tangible facts in order to believe. It seems he said to Mother one day: "It is no use telling me all these high-flown things; you show me by doing them." I have said the same thing to my Master, again and again in my mind: "Your high philosophy is all right in its place, but do give us something tangible, something which we can touch."

Well, He has started giving it to me, and I have told you some of these incidents. If He is working in these small matters, you can understand, my friends, that He will never fail us in the more important ones. Reliance is the secret of sadhana - entire reliance, complete faith. Then what is said in the Gita: "ahaṃ tvāṃ sarvapāpebhyo mokṣayiṣyāmi mā śucaḥ."²⁷⁶ That is literally true. Everybody will fail us, but the Divine will never fail us, if only we cling to Him or if we allow Him to catch us. As He said in one of His letters to me: "Give some tuft of hair by which the Divine can catch you: some tail, some hair, either a lock here or a tail behind." That is what I see happening from day to day; that's a daily revelation for me. Still, my friends, this dog's tail of human nature still has some doubt. Again and again, I hear Him saying: "O Nirod of little faith!" Faith alone - to have faith and to be faithful, or the other way: to love the Divine, and love Him alone. Or you can love others, young friends, but love Him at the same time. But, for some of us, He's the 'Hound of Heaven' - "All things

276 I shall deliver you from all sins, do not grieve. (18.66)

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betray thee, who betrayest Me."²⁷⁷ He keeps watch over us all the time. As I said, some of my old friends will be surprised to hear all this from me - one who has been a doubter throughout - "Bhoother mukhe Ram Nam."²⁷⁸ They forget that the 'bhooth' has been transformed into Hanuman; and slowly, the light is growing in the East, the day is not far off when what our great poet²⁷⁹ has sung will come true: "Ei shagorer mahamanober teere" and what another poet has sung: "Ei nohe kahini, ei nohe shopone.'²⁸⁰ Here on this shore of Pondicherry, the Home of Truth, everybody will assemble. That is the message. And there is One who is working it out, She alone can save and serve the world. "She only can save herself and save the world"²⁸¹ - that majestic line from Savitri rings constantly in my ears.

Yesterday, I read out a passage from Talks with Sri Aurobindo to show you how Sri Aurobindo, when He'd had that accident and broke His leg, had transformed the intense pain that He suffered into ananda. That reminded me, yesterday, of another incident that I had reported to Sri Aurobindo. Once, Tagore was bitten by some very vicious ants and he was having intense pain. He didn't know what to do, but, by a great effort of mental concentration, he succeeded in cutting off the mind from the body, and there was an instantaneous relief and joy. I don't know if it has been recorded in Jibon Smriti. Then Sri Aurobindo commented: "Yes, that is a spiritual experience."

Another famous instance is that of Ramana Maharishi, the great Maharishi about whom Sri Aurobindo had a very high opinion. Ramana Maharshi had cancer in the upper part of one hand, near the shoulder, and had to be operated upon several times, but not being identified with the body and living in the Self, he was able to remain indifferent to all of it.

277From the poem "The Hound of Heaven" by Francis Thompson (1859-1907). What it means in this context is that if the soul is ready within, but the outer nature is not, conditions of life get arranged in such a way that it appears that the Divine is pursuing the sadhak and not the other way round.

278The name of God in the mouth of the atheist.

279Rabindranath Tagore.

280This is not a story, nor is it a dream - in Bengali.

281CWSA, Book VI, Canto 2.461.

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I'll give you another very small instance. A young girl fell seriously ill. She was suffering very much from pain all over the body. There was no relief. The doctors could not do anything. Then she began to cry and poured out her heart to the Mother. All of a sudden, she felt that all the pain had vanished and was replaced by delight, by joy. These are concrete experiences that happen even today. I am reminded of these two lines from the poem "The Kingdom of God" by Francis Thompson: "Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,/ Cry - clinging to Heaven by the hems". Well, some cry, some don't cry, some call out to the Divine aloud, some don't, but the truth is that the Divine responds, and today He is so ready to respond to your tiniest call, if you do it sincerely.

Now why does the poet say "my Soul, my daughter"? That is something revealing. I don't know what its significance is. We have heard of the soul being addressed as a bride, as a mother, but, for the first time, I've heard it called "daughter". Fathers may appreciate and understand at once the value of a daughter, but Thompson was not a father. From the poetic point of view, I think the whole beauty of this line would have been murdered if it had the words "my soul, my son" (Laughter) or "my soul, my bride" instead! The poetic beauty comes through admirably with "my soul, my daughter." However, that's a digression, and I am sorry to have digressed too far. Like Lamb,²⁸² always coming back to the centre of his point in spite of numerous digressions, I'll try to go back to where we had stopped.

I was presenting to you the impersonal aspect of the Guru, with which most of you are not familiar, and we are partly responsible for that because, after the publication of the two books, Correspondence and Talks, everybody has taken Sri Aurobindo to be a very humorous person, all the time enjoying and having fun with us. But, my friends, the truth is nothing of the sort. He used to come down from His Olympian heights only at certain times. But even when He did come down, the impersonal aspect was always present. You won't be able to conceive of such a phenomenon perhaps, but when He was talking

282 Referring to Charles Lamb, popular British essayist (1775 - 1834).

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or eating or doing any daily task, we could feel the presence of the Purusha behind the individual persona. Everything He did was at a slow pace: no hurry, no speed in doing anything, as if the whole of Eternity were before Him. What we do usually, when we take up some work or when we speak, is that we lose ourselves, we become identified with what we are doing; we are so passionate. But He was never like that. For that matter, when He was talking with us, He would never, or very rarely, look at us; He would very rarely call me by name. There you are!

To give you one or two instances of the impersonal aspect... but I am anticipating! What to do, my friends? When I start speaking of Our Lord, I forget myself. Memories, one after the other, surge up, as Shakespeare says, from "the dark backward and abysm of time"²⁸³ like stars out of the gulf of the night. However, all that will come in its regular sequence and place.

One evening, He told us all of a sudden, after His impersonal mood had passed (which used to happen sometimes in the evening), "I was seeing today how Nishikanto was getting on." We were very much surprised, and I said to myself, What? In this impersonal mood, when He'd be concerned, we thought, with sending Divine Force to General José Miaja in Spain or with bringing down the Supramental Light, He says He was seeing instead "how Nishikanto was getting on"?! Nishikanto or Nirod or anybody else He loved was never far off from Him. Always, constantly, He had so much compassion for Nishikanto.

Now then, to come back to the point we'd stopped at in our last class, we were waiting for the doctors to arrive after Sri Aurobindo's accident! (Laughter) It was taking very long. Mind you, Pondicherry at that time was not what it is today. Madras was not a stone's throw from here, and there was no Abhay Singh with his cars to rush from Madras to Pondicherry at every beck and call. There were just a few cars plying in the town. Pondicherry is very different today. The local people will not be happy if I tell them that it is due to the Ashram.

283 The Tempest, Act I, Scene II.

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People don't accept this unpleasant truth. So we were waiting and waiting. As soon as we heard a horn, we'd go out of the room, and crane our neck to see, through the window, if the car had come. No such luck! When our chief doctor, Dr. Manilal, used to get nervous in that way, he would give us a gentle admonishment: "Ah, keep quiet, keep quiet!" (Laughter)

At last, the doctor arrived, sometime around eight in the evening. It seemed that Time had stopped for such a long while, but now it began to move. The Mother came; Sri Aurobindo was lying in bed, and all of us surrounded Him. Mother was in the centre with the doctor; we apprised him of the situation and the facts of the case. He took a good look at the patient, not so much at the leg, as it was in plaster. Then he said, "Plaster has to be removed." It was done. He examined the leg and said, "Yes, there seems to be a fracture, there is a bump here." Then what was to be done? Sri Aurobindo was made to sit up with his legs stretched. Then there was a discussion between the Mother and the doctor. Mother was putting all sorts of intricate questions to him about the diagnosis, about the prognosis, etc. He was extremely surprised to see a lady having so much technical knowledge, while Sri Aurobindo was sitting quietly, not uttering a single word -not one word. With an amused, bewildered face, and a radiant smile, He looked once at the doctor, once at the Mother and smiled as if He couldn't understand what was going on, or who was concerned in the matter! (Laughter) Mother was explaining to Him what the doctor said, but He was completely silent - no words! He had left everything to the Mother because He knew very well that She had a good knowledge of this science. But it was a revelation to me. I am a little bit of a sceptic, you understand! I have different perspectives, one of a medical man and the other of a poet. So I was watching.

Sri Aurobindo was looking really marvellous. I gave you some perception of my momentary vision of Him as the 'Golden Purusha' when we had found Him lying on the floor after the accident. But, here, it was not a momentary vision at all; it was a Golden Child that I saw. He had become somehow quite like a child - innocent, unconcerned

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with the things that were going on, least bothered about them, and His whole body was glowing. It was a sight! Then the examination was over, and the doctor said, "I can't say anything definitely, I have to wait for the radiologist." But the radiologist was taking his own time to come. Finally, he arrived sometime about 11:30 p.m. We had been waiting all that time. He came with his portable machine, fortunately. He was a young man, very businesslike so as to give us some confidence in him. No bhakti, no respect for anything, but he knew his business. He did his job in a matter-of-fact way: took pictures, developed them on the spot and gave us the pictures.

Both the doctors in consultation passed the verdict that it was a very grave and serious type of accident which the specialist had rarely met in his private practice. It stunned us. If you like, I can give you a diagrammatic view of the fracture. But, mind you, two things in my student life I always hated: one was drawing and the other was mathematics (Laughter). They were my bugbears. I have received much punishment from my drawing master. So please don't laugh at my diagram, though I have become a medical student, as I said, by the back door. There are two bones in the upper leg, as you know. [Drawing the diagram on the board.] I have told you that, when He fell down, the thigh bone was fractured. Two fragments jammed into each other. So the doctor said, "It would be a very risky job to try to pull one fragment down and make it in line with the upper one; as it is so solidly and strongly infracted, there is a great danger. I would not do it." But, fortunately, these two fragments had not gone behind the thigh and knee. Had that happened, the main blood vessels that were running here, behind, would have been torn, there would have been profuse bleeding, and that would have endangered His life. There you can see the hand of Providence again: how dangerous the situation was, yet not life-threatening.

So the doctor said, "I would not try to reduce it either by empirical force or by putting two needles, as they do, and applying traction. It will be extremely painful." And Mother said at once that she'd have nothing to do with such procedures and would not allow them.

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She would not allow any further physical pain to be inflicted on Sri Aurobindo, if it was possible to spare Him any inconvenience of this sort. So the doctor said, "I'll put the leg in plaster and keep it in traction at the foot of the bed. This is the only thing possible under the circumstances." Mother submitted and agreed, since an operation was out of the question. Mechanical contrivance also not being possible, this was the best that could be done. The doctor took his leave, saying that he would pay us a visit again after some weeks, and that we should inform him from time to time about the condition of the patient.

Each of us was allotted his respective duty for the recovery of our sacred Patient. My duty was to move the small knee bone - the patella - from side to side, and it was the job of our Chief Doctor, Dr. Manilal, to take the whole charge of the Divine Patient. And then Mother said, "Now that you have fixed your duties, arrange also your hours of attendance." We saw that we were short of one person. So we told Mother that we needed one more person to fill the remaining time slot. Mother went and looked through the window which faces Prasad House. She saw Dr. Satyendra there chatting with somebody. "Call Satyendra!" (Laughter) That is Her way! So we began our duties.

The next day, Dr. Manilal came. He used to come in the morning at about eight o'clock or so, after his breakfast. The first thing he did was pranam to Sri Aurobindo in bed and then he asked: "How are you, Sir?" Soon, Mother came, and we were waiting there. That day, Mother asked Manilal, "What do you say? What is your opinion?" He remained quiet, didn't give any reply. And Mother put on Her Mahakali aspect, at once. Manilal was perhaps being evasive. Because he was an experienced surgeon, he knew how grave the situation was, that it was very serious indeed. So perhaps he didn't want to reveal everything; at the same time, he had faith and reliance that everything would be all right. And as for Mother, you know that nothing can be concealed from Her. She knows everything. She sees everything. So She thundered: "Don't hide anything, we know the truth!" We were simply stunned. It was the first time we saw Her Mahakali

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aspect. Sri Aurobindo was lying calm and quiet like Shiva, while Mother thundered at the doctor. All of us retreated into our shells, as it were, from shock. And Manilal was an experienced doctor who had attended upon the Maharaja of Baroda, but now his face became so small! (Laughter) Then Mother, with folded hands, began to pray to Sri Aurobindo.