Talks by Nirodbaran

25 June 1969

I told you I have a suspicion that the Lord is taking an active interest in our class. Now it appears to be more than a suspicion - well, I will give you today evidence of how He is taking interest. They may be small but they can be significant, if we know how to look at these things. Not that He didn't take an interest from the beginning, but we weren't perhaps so conscious about it - at least I was not - and the consciousness seems to have descended, since January! As I was looking through my small collection of books, I came across, very unexpectedly, this green-covered notebook; it had no business to be

40 Intense concentration of consciousness, often incorrectly translated in English as "penance".

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there. How it came to be there is a mystery. I took it up and pushed it back into its place!

X is a friend of mine. Those of you who have read the Talks With Sri Aurobindo will be familiar with these 'X', 'Y', 'Z' symbols for individuals (whose names need not be divulged!) So this friend X cleans my table, and sometimes, in a psychic⁴¹ mood, cleans other things also. Perhaps the psychic influence was too strong that day and things got exchanged - my pen-holder came in my paperweight's place, and the paperweight went to the windowsill, etc. Naturally I, or rather, my vital,⁴² got vexed, annoyed, and I felt like telling him, "Leave my table alone."

I was looking for a notebook or some paper to write on, and I came upon this notebook once more and thought of using it. Then, to my surprise, I found there were two records in it which were written as far back as 1959, and I had forgotten all about them. I curiously perused them, found them interesting. I had written the first on 6.9.1959 and the other on 1.10.1959. I was very happy because I could make a present of it to my class. The first is somewhat personal, but as we have grown intimate, we can lift the veil of privacy!

One morning at 6:30 a.m., even before the meditation, 1 quarrelled with the Lord - as I've often done deliberately, for otherwise He'll keep quiet rather than answer me. Once, long ago, when I was on the point of weeping - can you believe it ? - Sri Aurobindo used to say, "Don't weep, weeping does not help," and, at other times, He would say, "Crying helps." So you see, the ways of the Lord are mysterious!

So that morning, before my meditation at 6:30 a.m., I was quarrelling with the Guru within myself. Since, if nothing can be obtained in the simple, gentle manner of a good man, sometimes

41The psychic being is the Divine spark in every living creature, which develops into a fully conscious and individualized Divine presence through spiritual evolution. It is the Antaryamin, a delegate of the Divine self in the lower planes of body, life and mind.

42The human being has many elements in himself, quite distinct from each other. He has first of all a body, which is made of matter. Next he has a vital being, which is the energy, power, or prana element in him; then he has the mind, which is his rational, intellectualizing element. The vital is that in man which gives him life, energy, power dynamism, desires, emotions or feelings, ambitions, etc.

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quarrels are necessary. I was saying, "You're not giving me any touch of spiritual experience; you're sitting tight over all the treasures you have gained and you're holding them back like a miser. How can a man walk on the path without any encouragement ? I admit you have given me some practical guidance in life's small or great questions, due to which my faith has become more firm and now I understand that I'm not all alone. You are guiding me from behind and you give direct guidance according to my need. But that doesn't fill my heart; I want some more direct experience and realization, without which I don't feel that I'm firmly established, I want that now."

After saying this, I don't know when I went into a sort of trance or what the Guru calls a kind of samadhi.⁴³ First I saw a closed fist -the hand was certainly that of Sri Aurobindo. He had in his firm grip something like an iron rod and held it pressed firmly. He wouldn't let it go. I couldn't understand the meaning of it and forgot all about it the next moment. After the meditation, all of a sudden, the picture 'Hashed upon that inward eye'⁴⁴ and the meaning too became clear. What it meant was that I must stick fast to what I want. It won't do if I leave it or forget it. A constant, leech-like tenacity only will give me the response.

This happened some time ago: I have been bothered by my left hand, this shakti⁴⁵ of mine that was injured quite some time back. I'll tell you later, on another occasion, how it happened. Lately, the pain became unbearable, the muscle began to twitch and ache - I could not take rest. You might have seen me caressing my hand in the class and wondered why I did it. I endured and suffered, thinking endurance is part of yoga. Then I got impatient and told the Lord, "Do something or I'm finished." You'll be surprised to hear that from the next day the

43Samadhi usually means a yogic trance, in which the yogi has internalized his consciousness and has no awareness of the waking state. The term is also used for realized yogis when they leave their bodies on purpose. The body is then said to be in a state of samadhi. It also refers to the location where the holy body is interred.

44William Wordsworth, "Daffodils", 1804.

45Purusha is consciousness and Prakriti is Shakti. Power, Force. Both are always bound together, inseparably but in different proportions. Shakti is often described as the left flank of the Purusha. Nirod-da is referring to his left hand as his Shakti, in a light-hearted way.

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pain has become much less.

So these are concrete examples of the Lord's tangible help. They come only on one condition: sincerity. I am not boasting about it. If you want something sincerely, the Divine, the Lord or the Mother helps. Some have recorded how help came to them, and my friend Champaklal tells me of many experiences of this kind - how the Divine helps him in his work. He has a big stock of materials - like I have books, he has cards and boxes and materials for making birthday cards, which the Mother uses for giving to the sadhaks and others. The corridor is full of them, the staircase is full of them, the room is full of them, and soon my room will be filled up and I might have to leave! If Mother asks for something, he has to find it in this stock. He looks everywhere, and suddenly a box of cards drops and the thing comes out! Innumerable things of this sort are happening day by day.

The second record in my notebook, dated 1.10.59 is about our octogenarian artist, Promod Kumar Chatterji. He was, as you know, Jayantilal's and Krishnalal's⁴⁶ art teacher. Once, in 1959, he painted a portrait of Sri Aurobindo. He is more known as a writer than as a painter. There are stories of his travels and experiences in the north, his contact with the tantric⁴⁷ sadhus, etc. - he's a venerable old summer oak. He came to show the painting to the Mother and luckily we too were there. Mother was standing near Her chair, the artist was on the carpet and the portrait was resting on an easel. Addressing Jayantilal, She said, "Just change the angle of the painting so that I can have a clear view. Then I must sit down." She sat down with a smile and said, "I've no standard to judge it." Then, with Her Lakshmi⁴⁸ smile, she said, "There's spontaneity there. You've caught something of the spontaneity and freshness of nature and something candid with which He came into this world. His inner being was on the surface; He knew

46Both were artists in the Ashram. They joined the Ashram in the thirties.

47A Tantric sadhu is one who follows the Tantra path of yoga. Tantrics appeal to the Shakti aspect of the Divine to give them liberation from the clutches of ignorance. It is a very bold system that does not shy away from the obstacles in the path of yoga.

48Mahalakshmi is the goddess of beauty and splendour. Here it means a very sweet and beautiful smile.

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nothing of this world."

The artist interrupted (which he shouldn't have done): "He's looking at you. I painted out of devotion. Look at His eyes."

The Mother said, "Yes, He is looking, looking." Then, looking at Jayantilal, She said, "Keep it downstairs for people to see."

Jayantilal replied: "But I was thinking of framing it before exhibiting it."

Mother: "Yes."

Artist: "No, keep it like this. What do you say, Mother?"

Mother: "All right. What will you do next?"

Artist: "I will paint Him as He was during the period when He came to Pondicherry."

Mother: "Oh, the Ascetic - as I saw Him then."

These are the two notes I've made, don't you think they're worthwhile ?

Now what shall I speak about next? The story of the snake -hissing, not biting, remember? Sometimes there are character traits in oneself which one may imagine one has got rid of, but which suddenly spring up without warning when you're not on your guard. Here is a relevant experience of Sri Aurobindo, regarding anger. [Reading from Talks with Sri Aurobindo, 25]:

I have heard of a yogi in Benares who was bathing in one of the ghats. In the next ghat, a beautiful Kashmiri woman came to bathe. As soon as he saw her, he fell upon her and tried to outrage her. This was evidently a case of loss of mental control. The true control is not mental. But sometimes, by yoga, things which were not felt before come up. I have heard about it from many persons. In my own case, I saw anger coming up and possessing me. It was absolutely uncontrollable when it came. I was very much surprised as to my own nature. Anger has always been foreign to it.

At another time [1908], while I was an under-trial prisoner in Alipore, my anger would have led to a terrible catastrophe, which luckily was avoided. Prisoners there had to wait outside for some time before enteting the cells. As we were doing so, the Scottish Warder came and gave me a push. The young men around me became very excited and I did nothing, but I gave him such a look that he

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immediately fled and called the Jailor. It was a communicative anger and all the young men tallied round to attack him. When the Jailor, who was rather a religious man, arrived, the Warder said I had given him an "insubordinate look". The Jailer asked me and I told him I had never been used to such treatment. He pacified the whole group and said while going: "We have each to bear our cross." But by anger such as I had, I don't mean the Rudrabhava which I have experienced a few times.

Once, Sri Aurobindo was sitting upstairs in the Guest House verandah,⁴⁹ all alone, and downstairs there were some people waiting to see Him. He saw anger coming - just as smoke comes up - towards Him from downstairs and possessing Him. Afterwards, He knew from whom the anger had come and entered into Him, from whom it was passed on to Him. [Reading from Talks with Sri Aurobindo, 26]:

N: Is Rudrabhava something like Ramakrishna's snake-story? Sri Aurobindo: Not at all. It is not at all a show of anger. It is something genuine - a violent severity against something very wrong. Anger one knows by its feeling and sensation. It rises from below, while Rudrabhava rises from the heart. I shall give you an instance. Once X became very violent, shouting at the Mother and shaking his fists at her. When I heard the shouting, a violent severity came down that was absolutely uncontrollable. I went out and said, "Who is shouting at the Mother ? Who is shouting there ?" As soon as X heard me, he became quiet.

I will tell you more about this 'X': There was a doctor here, a young man with a short beard. He was from Gujarat, a good worker, but he had a very short temper. It appears that at present he is married and lives happily. He used to go to the Mother, write very often to Her, and he also got letters from Her. All of us thought he was a great favourite of the Mother and was perhaps making great strides in sadhana. One day Sri Aurobindo was going into the room where one waits to see the Mother. The doctor came to the Mother, and She came to the door, and all of a sudden he became violent and began shouting at Her. Then

49 This was when Sri Aurobindo was living in the Guest House in the early twenties. In the later twenties, He, along with his entire entourage, shifted to the present Ashram building.

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our Shiva⁵⁰ all-oblivious became aware of what was going on, got up and asked, "Who is shouting? Who is shouting at the Mother?"

At that time, I was in the dispensary and didn't know anything about it. When I came to know about it, I wrote to Him (if I remember rightly): "Sir, something terrible. It seems you lost your temper today." He replied, "That fellow, impossible fellow, shouted at the Mother and I could not control my anger."

[ The school bell rings to announce the end of the period. ]