Mother’s Agenda 1964

April 8, 1964

(This was to be the last conversation before Satprem's departure for France, from where he would return in July.)

Mother looks tired, she goes into a long contemplation:

Will you continue [the Tantric discipline] there?

Yes.... I must say that in my outer consciousness, I don't

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know anything at all. I don't understand anything

You don't understand?

I understand nothing whatsoever.

(Mother laughs)

I simply know that there is "something else," and then I do what I have to do [japa, meditation], but what's happening, where I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing—l have no idea: I understand nothing at all. I have no perception of where I stand.

If it's any consolation to you, it's just like that for me!

I mean that the body doesn't even know whether it's going to last or... to decompose—nothing, it doesn't know anything. It doesn't know anything at all.... What purpose does it serve? Why is it here?... Yes, as you say, we know—we do know somewhere in the background of the consciousness—but the body itself...

You see, it finds it rather painful, in the sense that it never has the feeling of a quiet force, of a complete balance. And then all this suffering, all this, why?

That's just what I was looking at now [during the meditation].

And this poor body says to the Lord, "Tell me! Tell me. If I am to last, if I am to live, that's fine, but tell me so I may endure. I don't care about suffering and I am ready to suffer, as long as this suffering isn't a sign given me that I should prepare to go." That's how it is, that's how the body is. Of course, it could be expressed with other words, but that's it. When you suffer, for instance, when the body suffers, it wonders why, it asks, "Is there something I have to endure and overcome in order to be ready to continue my work, or is it a more or less roundabout way to tell me that I am coming undone and I am going to disappear?"... Because it rightly says, "My attitude would be different—if I am to go, well, I'll completely stop bothering about myself, or about what's going on or anything; if I am to stay, I will have courage and endurance, I won't budge."

But it isn't even told that—I haven't yet been able to obtain a clear answer.

It's not necessary, probably. Only, it's...

I cannot say that a single day passes entirely without my having

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to fight against one suffering or another, one difficulty or another—you know, the feeling that things are grating.

Of course, the body notices that when its entire consciousness is exclusively centered on the Divine, it no longer feels its suffering: if it has a pain, it no longer feels it. But the minute it is slightly aware of the outer world, it sees that the pain is there all right.

There are moments—moments—of illumination. Then it has the certitude of the Triumph. But almost immediately, something comes to contradict it violently, like a reminder: "Don't get carried away! You're not yet there, you know." Voilà. But then that state... How much time must the body last?... I don't know.

No, you're not in an inferior position—that's not it, it seems to be a necessity for the work.¹ But why?... I don't understand.

(silence)

Does it lack faith?... Possibly. It doesn't lack a trusting love—it has that, it accepts anything and everything, it is always full of its trusting love, that doesn't vary. But what is lacking is a sort of... almost an "intellectual faith." In other words, it has the feeling it knows nothing—it knows nothing, it isn't told anything. It knows nothing. It isn't told what will happen. And as long as it doesn't know what will happen, it feels as if... (gesture hanging in midair).

It can switch all at once from a consciousness of eternity to a consciousness of absolute fragility.

On top of this, there are lots of adverse forces, of adverse suggestions (some made of ignorance, others of ill will) that come and harass.... I don't believe them—it doesn't believe them, but it doesn't have the assurance that would allow it to laugh in their face. It doesn't believe them, but...

There's one thing, you know, which is so difficult (Mother has a spasm in her throat), so difficult, it's that Sri Aurobindo left.... That's at the root of everything. Before, my body wasn't like this; before, nothing in me was like this: there was an absolute certitude. That, you know, it was... a collapse.

It clearly came to teach something that could never had been learned before. But it's always on this that the adverse forces base themselves—always. All the adverse suggestions, all the adverse

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forces, all the ill will, all the disbelief—it's all based on this: "Yes, but HE left."

And I know—I know in my deeper consciousness—that he left because he WILLED to leave. He left because he decided that it should be so, that it was the thing that had to be done.

But WHY?...

Well, then, I cannot give you anything more than this.

It's a very difficult period—very difficult.

We are still in the middle of a transition.

(silence)

You must, you must hold on tight to the earth.... Did you get from Sujata the little packet [of rose petals from Mother]? She very much wanted you to keep it always on you—she is right. She is right. Because I know, I know what the atmosphere is over there. You must wrap yourself in a shell.

Voilà, mon petit....