Talks by Nirodbaran

23 October 1969

I don't know whether I am happy or sad to find the room so unexpectedly packed, but Sri Aurobindo says that it is always the unexpected that happens, of course, in appearance only. I don't know who has tom-tommed about this talk! Among this crowd, there are quite a number of distinguished guests, as you have noticed, from our great poet's Home of Peace to our home of rain.²⁶⁷ But, as Mother says, rain is the symbol of new life, new creation, so we welcome them here. But I'll warn them, at the same time, that the subject matter will be a bit personal. By the way, it is not a speech, it is supposed to be a talk.

267 Home of Peace: literal translation of 'Shantiniketan'; Home of rain: Pondicherry. He is referring to his name - 'Nirodbaran means dark cloud.

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I am neither a talker nor a speaker. All the same, since the subject is going to be personal, the talker is likely to be somewhat unsteady, and so will the talk be too. Like teacher, like students. I am not a speaker like my friend (Sisir Ghosh) over there, I talk to my friends and my students and my children in a friendly way, more like a grandfather, though I am not of that age! (Laughter) So they know my whims, they know my failings, and they accept them in good grace. I will request you to do the same.

I was telling my friends here, about my personal contact - I shouldn't say 'my', it sounds a bit egoistic - about our contact with Sri Aurobindo during the last twelve years before His departure. I shall resume the talk from where I had left off.

We saw Sri Aurobindo lying on the floor, upper body bare, the lovely lower body in a very white, immaculate dhoti, His right leg a little flexed, by which I mean a bit bent, with an embarrassed smile, as if to say "I am very sorry to trouble you". Plaster was put, etc. Then we tried to carry Him to His bed. We found the Divine Body a litte heavy, weighty like His own philosophy and teachings (Laughter), and we were three or four of us there. I was of a feather weight; Dr. Manilal and Dr. Becharlal carried the weight of their age; Champaklal and Purani were the only two heavyweight champions. So we somehow struggled through. He was kept quiet. It was a unique experience for everybody! Somehow we managed to put Him into His bed and He was calm and quiet, like a child. Then everything was in proper order. We were sitting by the side. The Mother came in a little later and had a discussion with us as to what was to be done next. Dr. Manilal said this French hospital was no good. Somebody suggested that a friend of Doraiswami from Cuddalore could be called. He came and suggested that he had a friend in Madras - a bone specialist, Dr. Rao by name, who should be called.

Incidentally, I might mention a very curious astrological prediction. A friend of mine in Bombay went to consult a Bombay astrologer on some private matters of his own concern. He was on the way to Pondicherry for Darshan, and he casually mentioned it to this

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astrologer. The astrologer asked, "What for?" He said, "For Darshan." I don't know whether the astrologer remained silent for a while or consulted his papers, but he said all on a sudden, most unexpectedly, that there was going to be no Darshan. My friend said, "Nonsense!" Then he said, "I tell you there will be no Darshan this time." My friend came here to find that there was really no Darshan! So astrologers do predict things which sometimes turn out to be right!

I told you the atmosphere of the Ashram: the people who had gathered from all parts of India, and Miss Wilson who had crossed the seven seas; you can imagine what their mental condition was - the depression and the frustration. I learned later that the Mother gave a special Darshan in the evening for all, with Her enchanting smile. She took away from the heart of the devotees much of the grief and dejection caused by the accident to their beloved Master. Imagine what the Mother must have felt too!

Now, on our part, we found that Sri Aurobindo was lying quietly in His bed, and our duty was only to wait and watch; we were four or five of us sitting behind the head of the bed, ready to attend to any call, but calls were very few. He was lying flat on His back, calm and quiet and peaceful like a summer sea, most oblivious of the surroundings, but yet in a sort of a wakeful trance. We could see the signs of life only when the Mother came now and then to enquire about His needs, but His answers were very few: He was very laconic, as we say. As for us, Dr. Manilal used to go now and then to enquire: "How are you, Sir?" And his answers were monosyllabic: "yes", "no", that's all. Otherwise, He lay there, immobile. There is a line in Savitri, about Savitri: "Immobile in herself she gathered force" - modified, it could have been applied to Sri Aurobindo.

We were coming and going, He took no notice of us either. I felt a bit hurt (Laughter) from, as we say in Bengali, 'abhiman,²⁶⁸ though it is, excuse my saying so, a woman's prerogative (Laughter). I was not free from it. I thought: is this the Sri Aurobindo of the Correspondence, the Sri Aurobindo that I knew ? He doesn't deign to look at me even once.

268 Pride, ego.

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But that was one aspect of Sri Aurobindo, the impersonal one, that we came to know about as we became more and more familiar with Him. Then, seeing that He was so tranquil and serene, the tension, the anxiety that we felt at the beginning gave place to some relief. We also began to enjoy ourselves, with some light talk, light jokes, but all behind His back. Particularly when Purani was there - some of you know him perhaps - he was so vivacious, so full of life that there was no room for any gloom. He used to joke all the while and he knew Sri Aurobindo better than any of us at that time because he had been here for a longer time and was in contact with Him from the early days. So he knew personally that Sri Aurobindo didn't mind all this at all. Then I thought: let me make a survey of the room, since I've nothing to do. First of all, I began with a survey, not of the room, but of Him! So far, we'd had no chance of looking at Him directly for a long time. We were busy with our work and there was no chance at all of standing before Him and having a good look.

So now as He was lying in bed, fully stretched out and relaxed, I approached from behind and looked at Him. One glance satisfied me, assured me that here is a very manly figure. Nothing weak or feminine about it - please don't mind, I don't mean in a pejorative sense. My first look was at the head - that head about which we have wondered so much, which has perplexed us so much. The head was round, large, global, commensurate with His global consciousness - a sculptured head, I should say. Then His chest was broad and large, what we call in Sanskrit vishald. His shoulders, as Barin-da has said somewhere, were 'brihatskanda'.²⁶⁹

We had no opportunity of looking at His shoulders at that time, because He was lying flat. But Barin-da knew better, and I found out later that it is so. The lower part of the body was in proportion with the upper. But as I went on looking, I was surprised to see that the legs were rather thin. But when I came to the feet, I was still more surprised, it was a marvel. They were tiny, delicate, almost like the feet of a child. Amrita also speaks of his sweet, small feet. Later, when we

269 Broad-shouldered.

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used to see Him walking, I would say to myself: "How could these small feet carry such a big burden?"

However, all in all, I was quite satisfied, in spite of His thin legs and the delicate feet, that His figure was a very manly one. I'd had no opportunity to touch His body as yet. Neither did I have a chance to hear properly His voice, because, as I have said, He was very monosyllabic. So I couldn't get any impression about the quality, the tone, the timbre of the voice itself. The other day, somebody who had heard His voice long ago had written in Mother India that Sri Aurobindo had a feminine voice. I simply uttered, "Rubbish!" The man didn't know what he was talking about; or perhaps, at that time, Sri Aurobindo had had a feminine voice, which later turned into a masculine voice, because transformation was going on all the time. (Laughter) Anyhow, when I came to hear His voice, there was no femininity at all. Many people have asked us, "What was His voice like?" Well, I don't know. Some of you might be able to express in words the quality of a voice, but I fail to do so. So people asked: "Is it like Nolini-da's ?" "Yes," I said, "Something of Nolinida's, a little bit of Purani's, a little bit of til, til, til if you gather together, perhaps it will be something like 'Tilottama"'²⁷⁰ (Laughter) I could only say that it was a male voice; it was soft, it was grave, but at the same time, there was some inexpressible sweetness - not a feminine sweetness at all. Perhaps you won't believe that a male voice can have sweetness! But this I discovered much later; at that time, I had no chance to hear His voice. He was so silent, His voice was almost non-existent. So this is the description of His outward figure.

Then I started to look around the room itself. It was almost Spartan in its appearance, I would say - that means stark, bare, except for two tables, very simple; perhaps they had been bought second-hand from Mlle. Pierre, one at either extremity. And a semicircular table in the middle, and an almirah with some carving on top, and some Chinese paintings that are still there. That's all. And yes, there was a long cane

270 A celestial being composed of exquisitely beautiful and perfect elements collected little by little from all the three worlds of Brahma.

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chair, don't remember in which room, which was the only luxury that He could afford or that He wanted.

Now, all of us, you will find, have in our room a bolster, an easy chair, an electric fan, mattresses, and what not. I remember, I don't know how far it is true, but as the sadbaks wanted more and more things, as their demands increased, the Mother, being the Mother, began to supply and satisfy all these demands: mattresses, pillows - not one, but two - and one easy chair to boot, etc. One day, Sri Aurobindo remarked to Mother, "What a sadhak needs is one mat and two bricks!" (Laughter)

On one of the tables there were scattered some papers and some slips, all pell-mell. But about that also Mother remarked in one of the talks: "Sri Aurobindo does not keep things in order, but He knows exactly where He has placed them." About that I got evidence later, when He asked me once about the Savitri notes. He was sitting on the bed, and the notebooks were behind in the drawer. He said, "Get me those Savitri notes. You will find there a notebook with a blue cover, it is long, etc." After having failed once or twice, the third time I was successful in finding it. So He remembered all about His things: where He had kept them, how He had kept them, though there was no order. Then, in His almirah, there were a few books. I was surprised to see so few books. I had expected that at least one almirah would be full of books. Go to Nolini-^'s room, you will see how many books he has; go to Sisir-da's room, and I am sure he also must be having a very good library! But here only a few books were there, and most of them, I found out later, were presentation copies from Radhakrishnan and others. What He had of His own were a few volumes of His Arya, and of Shelley, Shakespeare and one or two other poets, and His own works naturally, that's all. From that day, I took a resolution to give up reading (Laughter) because if He has got so much knowledge without reading (Laughter) and from His vast field of yoga, well, I have come to try the yogic method, so let me try it. I would advise you the same (Laughter), but remember, my friends, before He became a yogi, what a tremendous lot He had read. Books used to come by trunk-loads

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from Bombay. So before you become yogis and yoginis, don't take up this practice of non-reading! (Laughter) You'll be a headache to your teachers and a problem to your parents! However, I can do that! So that was my observation about the room and about His Person.

We were now waiting for the doctors. We were relaxed - since the patient was quiet, we did not need to be impatient or have any anxiety. Our anxiety, our concern over any patient depends more on that patient's nature, doesn't it? If the patient screams and tosses about in the bed, he puts us too into tossing about, mentally. So long as he remains quiet and calm, as all patients should - being a doctor, I know a bit of that - then most of the anxiety is relieved. So here was an ideal patient. But He left us wondering whether the accident was serious at all! (Laughter) Anyhow, we 'had no human fears'; 'a slumber' had sealed our spirit,²⁷¹ we had nothing to do but wait. Please remember, children, from 4 or 5 o'clock that morning till about 7:30 that evening, Sri Aurobindo was lying in one position, flat on His back. There was only a slight movement of the unaffected leg now and then, just to get relief, to change position, while the other leg was in plaster. Only the most urgent needs were attended to, and rest of the time, He was alone to Himself with Himself. You can imagine whether any other great man could have done that. I've not seen many great men, but as far as my imagination can go, I cannot conceive of anybody, however great he may be, remaining quietly in this position for so long. And that too, to remain all alone, without uttering any cry or sound, is it possible ? I don't know. Here is the sign of a yogi, I'd say. You might think that perhaps the accident was not so grave after all. Now about that, I'm going to read out to you some passages apropos of the accident, about what He said to us later on.

We used to have talks, as you know, and we used to ask Him all sorts of questions: foolish, wise, idiotic, ridiculous; everything was welcome. That was the other side of Sri Aurobindo, the personal side, the human side, if you like. So, one day, Dr. Manilal asked Him about the accident, when Sri Aurobindo led him to the subject. Sri

271 From "A Slumber Did My Spirit Seal" (1798) by William Wordsworth.

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Aurobindo said: "It may be then this 'utkata karma that caused my accident!" According to Jain Shastra, 'utkata karma' is a karma that cannot be avoided. Then Dr. Manilal got a chance, as we say, he got an opening, and asked: "Why this unmerited suffering in your case?"

Sri Aurobindo said, "How do you know it is unmerited? Perhaps it was to give me knowledge of intense pain." That "perhaps" reminds me of another anecdote: once we were asking Him several questions; to each question, He was saying perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Then I said, a little puzzled, "Why do you say perhaps, perhaps, perhaps? Couldn't you give a positive answer?" Then He replied, "Because the Supermind has not descended yet." So there you see, through a small joke, a sublime truth. That was Sri Aurobindo. His "perhaps" was just a way of talking. "The pains I had experienced so far were of an ordinary nature which I could transform into ananda. But this was intense. And since it came swiftly and suddenly, I could not change it into ananda? - a very frank admission. "But when it settled down into a steady sensation I could." So you see what He was suffering from and how His appearance then belied the whole thing. "Besides, we shall see afterwards its full significance. Of course, I accept it as a part of the battle." - the battle, as you know, that is going on still.

Now here is another anecdote. Here the questioner is my humble self. But before that, Dr. Manilal said: "You said that You have conquered death which comes by a natural process, but that You have no complete control over accidents."

Sri Aurobindo asked: "Where did I say that?" Manilal used to often misquote or say something which was not quite true.

Then I butted in: "If I remember rightly, You wrote to me that diseases can't end Your life, but still You can't wholly control accidents."

Sri Aurobindo said: "Oh! Diseases usually run a long course, so one has time to act on them. But if there are diseases of a sudden or severe nature that can end one's life immediately, then conquest is not possible. And about accidents, the body has its own consciousness and is always alert. But if the mind is occupied with other things, an

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accident can take one unawares. As regards violence - for example, of a riot - I would have to concentrate for four or five days in order to protect myself. The hostile forces have tried many times to prevent things like the Darshan, but I have succeeded in warding off all their attacks. At the time of my accident, I was more occupied with guarding the Mother and I forgot about myself. I didn't think the hostiles would attack me. That was my mistake." - a frank avowal.

In another talk, He said, "As for the Ashram, I have been extremely successful, but while I have tried to work in the world, the results have been varied. In Spain - in Madrid -I was splendidly successful." - you know that Sri Aurobindo is referring to the Spanish civil war. "General Miaja was an admirable instrument to work on. Basque was an utter failure. Negus was a good instrument, but the people around him, though good warriors, were too ill-organised and ill-equipped. The work in Egypt was not a success. In Ireland and Turkey, the success was tremendous." All that Kemal Pasha had done - poor fellow, perhaps it is better that he didn't know it - was done from here. "In Ireland, I have done exactly what I wanted to do in Bengal. The Turks are a silent race." He said about Lenin ...

We have to stop here. Your Dining Room bell is calling.