The Eternal Flame

The Eternal Flame

I will start by saying that I don't agree with the word reminiscence or remembrance. The Mother is not of the past. She is not even perhaps the present. She is the Future.

I was very apprehensive, I am still apprehensive. When we try to say something about the Mother, we are actually presenting to others things that She had told us at certain psychological moments. Whether it is true for everyone, we don't know. We can only repeat the words, which might be just the shells, leaving the kernel aside. However, when amongst friends or children of the Mother, like Ananda and Deepshika, I can talk because we are just exchanging views amongst ourselves.

Another reason for the apprehension is that we have to understand that our relation with the Mother is not on the physical level. Yes, a glance, a touch, a little smile of Hers while passing by changed everything in our lives and took away our difficulties. Once She told me, when I had complained, "Nowadays we can't meet you so much physically" (obviously I was not satisfied): "Strange," She said, "I come thrice a week to the Playground, and I distribute groundnuts, toffees, etc." During the distribution in the Playground, She would sit in front of the map of India and as we got into a file and passed by Her, She would distribute to us very fast. Often you would feel that She has not even looked at you. But She would say, "One moment is enough for me, I am working in each one of you." Thus, our words may be very very inaccurate.

The Mother has been and is constantly working on us, in us. And for me, the work is to bring awareness and perfection in all the parts of our being. That is what She had been doing with all of us here at that time. I am sure that is what She is even now doing with all Her children, wherever they might be in this world.

To give you an idea how She used to help us to become conscious of the different parts of our being - in 1948, the Mother used to take a class on Prayers and Meditations, upstairs - in the long room where we go for the Darshan now. It started with a few of us, later many people wanted to come and it became a big class. One day, suddenly the Mother started asking us: "What are you thinking?" She did this to one or two people.
Some said very nice things. Suddenly She pointed a finger at me: "And you? What are you thinking now?" Confused, I just said, "Nothing, Mother." "Oh!" She said, "You have become a very great yogi. You have no thoughts in your head!" I said, "No Mother, it is not that. The thing is, I was terribly nervous. I was thinking, 'If you ask me, what am I to do?' And I forgot everything when you asked me!" Later on, when I went to Her to take Her blessings, Her special smile made me understand that She was pleased with my sincere assessment of myself. This is the work She was doing, making us a bit more conscious of ourselves. That is why many of Her communications were not by words at all.

I would write very few letters to Her. But even when I wrote, I hardly got an answer. I used to feel very bad. My friends got such beautiful letters! I have answers written to me for very few of my letters. Once, in the Playground, while passing in front of Her, during the distribution, She stops, holds my hands, "You got my answer?" "No Mother, you have not answered my letter." She looked at me and said, "I have answered you and I know that you have received it. And that's why I have not written to you." So you see what I mean. We may be saying certain things in words but it is impossible to gauge the Mother, to understand humanly what She wanted, what She did or didn't do. The scope of Her actions is beyond mental conception.

I came quite as a child. I had started talking to Her sometimes. One day She asked me - I was 15 or 16 at that time - "Why are you studying?" Now, what does a child answer? "Just like that, Mother." Then She told me, "There is no need to do anything unless one likes it or unless one feels one wants to express oneself in a certain way." She wanted to develop us. She said, "You need not study simply because it is the old way. Learning is necessary for the development of some portions of the mind, but one has come here to do something else - to know oneself. There are many ways through which one can express oneself."

Some of my friends were very regular in studies, they had their programmes made hour by hour, which they scrupulously followed. I never did that and I used to feel that I was doing nothing. So, I went and asked Mother, "How do you think I should organise my life?"
"You mean, your everyday offering?", She asked.
I said, "Yes, Mother."
She said, "It is not an external thing. It is an inner movement. If one studies, one should not think it is in order to get a high post or to become famous etc. There should be an inner attitude: 'I study so that I would be able to do what the Divine wants me to do.’ “Every morning when you get up, say that everything that I do is for the Divine. Then you will find the parts in you that resist. These parts you have to remove slowly." Then She cautioned, “Not harshly, tenderly, without getting disturbed, they should be removed carefully, very sweetly, tenderly. Do you understand?" I said, "Not quite, Mother." "After sometime, again we'll talk about it," She added, "and you'll understand." At that time She also had told me, "Your physical being needs work." I was given some work in the Flower Room. Why am I telling these things? Only to show how She brought up a young one, considering all the parts of the being.

I used to do fretwork. I used to make jigsaw puzzles and then offer them to the Mother. And you know, these jigsaw puzzles She would keep upstairs. And people like Pujalalji, Lallubhai, those who would work upstairs, when they had finished their work they'd sit there to work out those puzzles. One day the Mother gave two big pictures to me and said, "You paste these on both sides of your board and cut. Then those who play will have more difficulty with the puzzle!" She had later told me, “I used to encourage you doing fretwork. Why? It is for the training of the hands to follow the eyes and to develop the sense of colours."

Another activity She often took up was dreams. She would ask us, "What did you dream last night?" We narrated our dreams. Sometimes we would have some interesting dreams which we would ourselves go and tell Her. And She would explain the dream. Why was it important? She would say and She has told us this repeatedly that sleep is generally falling into the sub-conscient but awareness has to come even into that part. "As you are trying to be conscious during daytime, your night must be equally conscious. And the first step of doing that is to remember one's dreams." It is a long process. "But once you can remember your dreams, slowly you get control over your nights. And then you can move about freely and do what is wanted." She has told us many things regarding sleep. She would say repeatedly, "You have to rest. Don't be agitated in your mind." I had the habit of reading and then going to bed. She said, "No. What happens if you immediately go to bed (after reading), your physical falls asleep, but still your brain cells are working. You have to quieten that. So you have to relax before you go to sleep. Relax yourself, every part of you, either individually or all together. Then relax your mind, thoughts. Then gather yourself inside. You have to be just like a perfect rag. Your whole body lying on the bed. Gather yourself up in here," pointing to the heart region. "With that if you can add an aspiration, well and good. If you can't, it does not matter. You do that and let the transition between this moment and the sleep be spontaneous, automatic, natural." Well, that was very important, to be able to have a good sleep and then one could also remember dreams.

Now, another aspect of Her work. Right from my child-hood, from my first visit in 1940 - I was a 12-year-old girl then - I immediately noticed everybody works here. Everything is done to perfection. And the elders, they always said, "The Mother has given me the work." There was no high or low work. At that age, one doesn't understand, but one absorbs. Now I see how much of that attitude of work I had absorbed from the elderly sadhaks of that time. Work, we know, the Mother has said, is the body's best prayer to the Divine. And in Sri Aurobindo's Yoga, all of us know the importance the Mother has laid on work and often on physical work. Because work is the only place where we come into interaction with others, where all the different parts of our being may surface up. When a part surfaces then only one is aware of it. One may otherwise not be aware of the different parts of one's being. And that is the time to work on these parts. The Mother gave importance to physical work. I cite an example to illustrate this point. Sisir-da, Professor of History from Santiniketan and later the Joint Director of our Centre of Education, was at first given work in the Dining Room! There are many such cases, where highly intellectual people, well-established in life, were given manual work in Dining Room or in other departments.

The Mother has given spiritual significance to flowers. Sometimes when giving a flower to us, She would explain the significance given. Once She explained to me the significance of the flower named 'Detailed Surrender'. I hope you know the flower. It is a small China Rose - a very small pink-coloured flower. "Detailed Surrender", The Mother said, "means the surrender of all your thoughts, feelings, actions, movements. You say to the Divine, I give you. So that I get nearer to you.' As you offer a flower, you can offer these feelings, thoughts or actions. Whenever you have some such things, you imagine that I am there, in front of you and you say, 'I give this to you.' I know it and I receive it." She is actually there, present in front of us to receive our offering. And this is true even now. So, the Mother is present, not only now, but also for all our future - for births to come. She has implanted this feeling in us. I know that each time we come back on earth, She will be with us, helping our footsteps towards the Goal.

When I was 19 years old, She told me that "your vital needs work". Vital, as we have been told, is that part of our being which gives the motivating force, the seat of our desires etc. So She sent me to work. The Ashram Press had just started. The Mother asked me, "Do you know Indra Sen?" "Yes, Mother." "You go to him, he will take you to the Press for work." We went walking to the Press. It was then just being started. Things were being unpacked and many unopened packages were lying there. Dr. Indra Sen had asked for a helper. But he wanted someone who could help him to supervise the workers. I did not fit into that requirement. Being a teacher to the core of his heart, he sent me to learn how to do hand-composing. I had just started when I saw the face of one of my friends peeping in from the door. I said, "Hello, what is it?" And she came in saying: "The Mother sent me to see how you are faring in your work". It has typically the Mother's touch in it! How She sends me out for work and within an hour sends someone to see what has happened to me! Have I been able to adjust to that work or not? Typical of the Mother. After World War II, in August 1945, the Mother had given a message: "The Victory has come. Thy Victory, O Lord, for which we render Thee infinite thanksgiving...”etc. We composed that. I got the worker to take out a hand proof print and triumphantly I took it to the Mother to show how I had fared on my first day in the Press.

Let me mention another small incident which brings out the importance of attitude in work. We were once told to work in our Press on a Sunday morning. Paid workers would not be there, but this work being urgent had to be completed. We were about six or eight young people working around a table. While working someone was softly humming a tune. Some little talking was also going on. We completed the work. Next morning when I went to Her, She said, "I heard you were talking when you were working." I was a little surprised, it was quite an innocent chit-chat! So I replied, "It was only folding papers Mother, and the work is done." You know what She said? She said, "If I had to fold a paper, I would put all my consciousness into it, so that nothing better could have been done." Now imagine, it was told so sweetly but all those who have met the Mother know very well that She would look all sweet and smiling - but the person concerned might get an inner shake up, a slap so to say. And I got that slap. She showed me my mistake. I have never forgotten the lesson I learnt that day.

She took, thrice a week, a translation class in the Play-ground. She translated into French Sri Aurobindo's writings. At that time I was the captain in charge of the girl's group. This class was during our group activity hours. I saw my group literally diminishing, as my friends were missing the group activities. The Mother had called them to attend Her class. It was getting difficult to conduct the normal group activities with the few remaining members. I also felt very sad for being left out of Her class. Then, one day She caught hold of me after our activities, and told me, "You know, I have often thought of you — to call you for the class. But that is your time for work." I was so happy and touched that She remembered me. At the same time I was made aware of the importance She gave to work.

Once there was some work at the Press. Cards had to be embossed with Her symbol. These cards She would distribute later. Even though there was the Mother's Prayers and Meditations class, my friend and I did not attend it for 2-3 days and we worked so that we could get the cards ready on time.
It was not only physical work that the Mother encouraged, but also She goaded people to do artistic, aesthetic work. If you had seen some of the Mother's gowns embroidered at that time, you wouldn't believe they were embroideries - such perfection in the work!
One very basic aspect we learnt from the Mother was the care of material things. Once the Mother had gone to the school to see something. Everything was spruced up for the Mother's visit. When She arrived, She went straight to a cupboard and had it opened. What the people there couldn't finish in a hurry was all dumped inside! On another occasion when She visited one of the depart-ments, She went straight to the store. It was the Building Department. Here again were all the things which had been put pell mell. They asked the Mother, "Why did you have to come here?" She said, "I heard the call! They were saying, 'Come and first see us. How they have kept us."" So it is very important for us to know how to respect material things. Respect the divine consciousness in matter, in the physical. And the work, I think, put us into that contact with matter and the matter of the physical being of the person working.

Now I will tell you something about physical education. In one of Her messages She said that physical education was meant to bring consciousness and control, discipline and mastery into the body - all things necessary for a higher and better life. So, actually, the aim of our physical education is that. If one really looks at it objectively, everybody from the age of 6 to 90 does it, in different groups. Everybody is participating almost everyday. There is no distinction of boys and girls, no specialisation - you do everything, because that builds up all the different aspects of your physical capacities. And the Mother encouraged us to participate in the activities.
She watched each group, She watched all the competitions, She would hold the tape at the finishing line of running events of the athletics competitions. After that She would have comments on each one's performance. So, naturally, our enthusiasm was far more than that of the children nowadays. We had somebody to whom we wanted to go and tell, to show we had done what She wanted us to do.

She used to judge our gymnastic competition events - this continued for one or two years, I remember. She gave us marks for our performance. I will give you one example of Her judging. We had a sequence of movements on the parallel bar. It was a little difficult, at least for me. Quite complicated even according to the standards now. When I met the Mother after the performance She told me,
"The way you were doing, I thought you would come first". (I had secured the second place.) Then She said something interesting; "Physically your performance was all right but in you there was a fear. And for that reason I took away some marks." You see it is so difficult if She judges like that! But She was absolutely right. There was a small sequence in the figure where I had to swing from one position up there to another one, and I was apprehensive. Will I get up or will I tumble down? And that She had seen within me.

I will tell you another interesting thing. One year, I had a very bad respiratory trouble. I don't know why. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. So my sister went and informed the Mother about it. Dyuman-bhai came to see me. "Dyuman-bhai, I can't breathe." I was lying down. That evening I went to the Mother. She too wondered, "Why should you have that? Is it a deficiency in the nerves?" Anyhow, with that I did all the athletics items in our annual competition season. I kept getting third place in each event. Even if I were nowhere, on the final bout I would get the third place. Thus in all the items I got the third place. And you can understand, when you are amongst friends, what can happen. They kept teasing me, "Here comes our third class champion!" One day it was the 400-meter run. I ran and again secured the third place. Next day I went to the Mother. She told me,
"You ran very well". I was so embarrassed, because I was third. I said, "No Mother, I got only a third place." She said, "That is what we want. Not a sudden brilliance in one part but a persistent all round progress." See, how She made me happy and changed my difficulties.

I hope you know the game 'Croquet'. We used to play it when the Mother started coming to the Playground. She used to play with some of us. She told me once that She was a very good croquet player. Nobody could stop Her. She told me, "I used to just get the ball like that." In Croquet you have to play with two wooden balls and one wooden mallet and often one has to strike one ball with the other ball. Then showing Her hands, She added, “Already my hands were conscious." I stared at Her, confused. Please understand, at that time when I was 15 or 16, the Mother, almost the first time, tells me that there could be consciousness in the physical! Now we know it.
We even talk about cellular consciousness. But at that time, it was like a bolt from the blue. I stared at Her. Finally I mumbled, "Mother, what you are telling is something like a story." She laughed. She said, "Yes, you feel like that because you have never been told before that this is possible." "Normally pianists", She had told me,”have very conscious hands. Sometimes, these hands don't get destroyed after a person's death." They persist, perhaps, in the subtle physical world. She had once seen a pianist playing and a pair of such hands entered the hands of this pianist and that person produced wonderful music, perhaps beyond his normal capacity. This is to explain what a conscious hand could be.

The Mother would be present for all our games. We started volleyball, basketball, table tennis etc. But tennis was the game She played. Initially She used to play table tennis, but later She left it when our tennis courts were laid. She started wearing salwar-kameez when She played tennis. I still remember the first day of Her coming to the Playground in Her new outfit. In the evenings, about 4.30 p.m., She would play tennis. She would call a pair from the young men standing ready to get a chance to play with Her. Pranab-da was always Her partner. And She would play, five games with each pair.

On our birthdays, some of the girls got a chance to play with Her. She would invite us beforehand. She also chose the person to be our partner in that game. At that time we used to have tennis tournament in singles, doubles and mixed doubles. The Mother made up the teams for the mixed doubles. And then She would play with all the mixed doubles pairs. Like that also we got a chance to play with Her. For about two years She played singles matches with the girls. We played one set of games with Her. She would take Pranab-da to the Playground, leave him for his work, and come back to the Tennis Ground to play singles matches with us. What an occasion it was for us! Afterwards, sometimes She would comment about the game. We were always careful to pass all the balls towards the right hand side of the Mother because that was more convenient for Her. Those who would coach us, constantly told us, "If you don't do this how would you play with the Mother?" One day, one of my friends, while playing with the Mother, was just hitting the ball everywhere. We were amazed, what was she doing? But the Mother was moving all over the court, running everywhere and playing the balls. Later when She came to the Playground She told me: "This is the first time that I have had this experience. Consciousness from above was directing this body, what it should do, where it should go. And the body was obeying it. I am glad for it and very happy."

She liked tennis, She said, because one could play the game consciously. You can't play like that a game of basketball. "When I play," she said, "in each stroke, I put in my consciousness. I do my work." When we used to play with Her we knew, though outwardly it was a game, inwardly there was a connection going on with the Mother. I can tell you for myself. One day She said after my game with Her, "When we played, it was a conversation going on between us." You see, it was a give and take on some level of consciousness that took place. it was not a mere game, played on the physical level.

Here is a very fundamental observation by the Mother on the game of tennis which is applicable to all the activities of physical education: "You can play just for the joy of the game and not for winning. You can play just as well." Then She said, "If you can do that it helps to liberate the body from many vital and mental influences." That is what we are trying and we should do. That is the raison-d'être of our physical education; not to build up robust, healthy dacoits, but to acquire consciousness in our physical.

Another sweet anecdote: It was time for the Mother to go and I was walking with Her to the main gate of the Playground. Suddenly She said, "You know, we would make very good partners in a three-legged race." I was astonished and asked, "Why Mother?" She said, "Look down." So I looked down. Our steps were same, we were taking strides of equal distance. Her care for us was total. We went to Her when we came up against a physical defect, always trying to open to Her and Her force. By the way, we had a beautiful dispensary, but you ask any of us, we never went to the dispensary. She was our Healer. We used to have medical check-ups. The Mother was present with the younger ones, and with the girls groups. She would sit there. And She would check thoroughly what the doctor said about the body. She was a very keen observer and She advised eggs for children whom She thought to be weak. I was one of them because I was a prematurely born child. So She told my mother I must have an egg everyday. But I would not take it. In the Ashram nobody takes eggs, so why should I? I certainly became a great sadhika! So my parents had to coax me to take eggs. Then again, She would give special cheese, Swiss cheese, to me and to many others also whom She thought were physically weak. When children came to the Ashram, She started giving eggs, butter and fruits to all of them.

She told us repeatedly, "What you eat is important. But how you eat is more important." To the children She told, "When you sit for your meals, call Peace. Call Peace as you call a friend. Only go on saying, 'Peace, Peace, and Peace'. Call, and that will do the job. It will help you to digest all that your body needs. It will do it."

I had, as I said before, some respiratory trouble in the body, some shakings. When I went and told Her, She said: "Uneasiness always means some kind of resistance, mental, vital or physical. It might be any one, two or combination of all the three. Instead of paying attention to uneasiness, one has to relax. Relax all your thoughts, muscles, relax everything and then say, 'here I am'. Do you pray sometimes?" I said, "Yes, Mother. What else can we do?" "Yes," She said, "I am one with you - on this, that is the only thing one can do." Then She added, "When I get uneasiness (i.e. physical) I also do that. I call, I invoke." Of course, it is not the prayer that we do!
Regarding my respiratory trouble, She told me, it was some deficiency in the nervous system. Then She told me and that was the first time I was aware of it - "Of all the parts of the (physical) body, nerves are most under the control of the will. By will, I mean the active aspiration." And then She said, "If you can't do that then pray." And then She gave me this prayer, which I would like to share with you. The prayer was in French:
"Lord, remove from me all fear and all weakness." And this She asked me to repeat every day when I would go to bed at night.

Now I will tell something about birthdays. You all know the importance the Mother has given to birthdays. For, that day everyone, young and old, would prepare things for Her. Again this comes back to the work. Things - embroidery, painting, carpentry etc. I used to make wooden things. One young girl (hardly 10 at that time) told me, “You know Chitra-di, what I am taking to the Mother for my birthday?" I asked. "What? Have you made some-thing?" She replied, "I have written some poems! I am writing them nicely, so that I can give them to the Mother on my birthday." All the best that one had, one tried to do for Her and offered them to Her.

I came to the Mother in 1940 when I was 12 years old. Two months later it was my birthday. I had the great fortune of going to Her on my thirteenth birthday. She used to give each one a beautiful flower bouquet. Later once I went to Her on my birthday when I was 26 years old. She took my hand, gave me flowers. Suddenly She asked, "When did I first see you?" I was blank. I took the other hand (one was held in Hers) behind me and started counting the years. Even before I could make some head-way, She said, "Your first birthday with me was when you were 13 years old. Now you are 26. That means half of your life you have passed with me." And it is only the Mother who could remember all these things, about each one of us.

Let me end my talk with an interesting anecdote. Once I had seen tears in the Mother's eyes during distribution.
I have brought here some lines from what She had told me then. "It depends on the person," She said. When the Mother comes down for blessings, “it is generally the Mahasaraswati aspect that deals with people, arranging everything and everyone in their respective places. Sometimes other personalities also come. The sadness in the eyes that you saw that day was that of Mahalakshmi. She is hurt when things are ugly, especially when there is distrust, unfaithfulness. She is then full of pity. How nice, beautiful and happy the world could be and what have men made of it!"

"It is not good to call Mahakali. She cannot bear anything that doesn't want to change, and She strikes." Generally when Mahakali comes to the Mother and wants to stay during distribution, the Mother puts her aside. She is too much for our frail humanity, I think! "Maha-saraswati is mostly with children. And what She loves most is sincerity. That is straightforwardness in one. Each effort towards perfection she likes. That's what pleases her most. She is always pushing men to progress and progress more."

Let that be our programme also: 'progress and progress ever more.'

(Most of the sayings of the Mother in this talk are from my diary. We used to record immediately all the conversations we had with Her as faithfully as possible. They are neither seen nor corrected by the Mother.)