A Captive of Her Love

Introduction

A Captive of Her Love

Mother On Janina

I remember, the very day Janina died (she died at about six in the morning, I think), around four in the morning, suddenly something made me take interest in this question: What will the new form be like? What will it be like? And I looked at man and at the animal. Then I saw that there would be a much greater difference between man and the new form than between man and the animal. I started to see things, and it happened that Janina was there (in her thought, but a quite material and very concrete thought). And it was very interesting (it lasted a long time, about two hours), because I saw the whole timidity of human conceptions, whereas she had made contact with something: it wasn't an idea but a sort of contact. I had the impression of a Matter that was more plastic and full of light, responding much more directly to the Will (the higher Will), and with such a plasticity that it could respond to the Will by taking variable and changing forms. And I saw some of these forms of hers, which she had conceived - a little like these beings who don't have a body like us, but who have hands and feet when they want, and a head when they want, and luminous clothes when they want - things like that. I saw that and I remember I congratulated her. I told her, "You have had a partial, but partially very clear perception of one of the forms the new Manifestation will take." And she was very happy. I told her, "You see, you have worked fully for the future." Then all at once I saw a sapphire-blue light, pale, very luminous, shaped like a flame (with a rather broad base), and it made a kind of flash, pfft! and then it was gone... And she was no longer there. I thought: "Well, that's odd!" An hour later (I saw this around six in the morning; all the rest had lasted about two hours), they told me she was dead. That is, she spent the last moments of her life with me and then, from me, pfft! went off towards... a life elsewhere. It was very sudden. She was so happy, you know; I told her, "How well you have worked for the future!" And all at once, like a flash (a sapphire-blue light, pale, very luminous, with the shape of a flame and a rather broad base), pfft! she was gone. And that was just the moment when she died.

It is one of the most interesting departures I have seen - fully conscious. And so happy to have participated!... I myself didn't know why I was telling her, "Yes, you have truly participated in the work for the future, you have put the earth in contact with one of the forms of the new Manifestation."

Mother's Agenda, 11 August 1964 (translated from recorded conversations with Satprem in French)

A Captive of Her Love

Pondicherry 18.12.1957

There is a great peace in me and I have inwardly asked the Mother to write this letter too, to help me. Her living and pulsating consciousness is just simply doing everything here and I experience it that there is just no place for my own action. I have only to step aside and hold with ardent aspiration my mind, life and body imploring Her to do Her Will with them. There can be no doubt that the Divine has directly come into the human life in Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Anyway there is no doubt in me and for this Truth I am continuously giving thanks.

I arrived in Pondicherry yesterday, 17.12, early in the morning. The brother of the sadhak who met me in the port of Bombay came to the train - another brother for me. The Radiation works through them. He brought me with all my luggage (which has during all the journey never been opened by the customs!) to a house which is supposed to be my home now and soon the place too of my work. It is a house newly purchased by the Ashram for a kind of nursing home for patients after operations. Nahar has told me that Mother wants to put me in charge of this home. The pressure of Her Force is so immense that it is clear that only She will be doing Her work in the house and I am only praying that I may never forget it and learn more and more to be a channel only. This house is in the middle of houses which do not belong to the Ashram. The Ashram forms a third of Pondicherry (In fact, Sri Aurobindo Ashram forms much less than a third of the town of Pondicherry, but the manner in which it is spread out makes it seem larger than it actually is), it means that Ashram dots cover, in some places more condensed, in others less, or even sparsely - but cover all of Pondicherry like a fantastic creature spreading Her limbs to swallow the human by the supramental. In practice it means that a noisy Indian restaurant is just beside the dining hall, that loud ugly music sounds from a cafe near our playground, that black pigs with their small ones and naked, unspeakably dirty children raise clouds of dust and dirt on the street where my house stands. And there is something so great in it, in this stream of Love spreading, that I cannot express it.

Yesterday was a day when Mother was giving sweets to Her children, to all the members of the Ashram. She does not give flowers now and does not usually give sweets or nuts either as Her work with the spreading of the Ashram is growing. So I was very happy that She was exceptionally doing it on that day. Pavitra (Monsieur Saint-Hilaire) brought me to Her and I only know that I was Her child and that two streams of vibrating Force of Her Grace penetrated into my eyes, to my soul, from Her eyes. So Her Grace is acting in Her children. Now I know that there is no other way for the human being but only to be, really - in just this sense of the word - a child. And many of these most wonderful people here, who help Her in Her work, have really this attitude to Her, to the Divine. It cannot be a different attitude. It is impossible. Yes, She makes an impression of being ageless, as you said you feel it, and Her smile and face just create an indescribable happiness.

This morning I went (as the members and many people from the town do every day) to the street on which Her balcony is built and where She gives Her darshan every day. Usually it is at 6.15, today it was some minutes later. One would be doing harm to oneself if one did not become a child again. And the great adoration in the eyes of the sadhaks is only the most natural thing. This is very far from sentimentality. The balcony is not high, we stood very near to Her. She smiled for some time looking us over and then looked at the houses around, the town and the sky. She was as if blessing all the world - so I felt - and She was doing it for quite a long time, maybe ten minutes, but I could not tell. I could not look at Her all the time, I shut my eyes and prayed that I learn to open to the Descent and to adore Her.

The evening meditation is about at 8 or later and the duration differs between a few minutes and twenty minutes. I think one has to learn to be able to be near Her, anyway so I feel; it is the process of being able to be near Her as She is in the human body. Until now I approached Her only as the Divine in my prayer......

Pondicherry 22.12.1957

Now I want to tell how it is with this difference here - the substantial difference. When I was outside the Ashram I had faith - now I know. Every day the vibration from Mother's eyes enters my eyes when She gives darshan and it spreads all over the body. Now I understand that when one is outside one has no idea in a way of what is going on here. Yes, theoretically one knows - but coming here proves that it is just a complete revolution. In my case it might be the decisive action as well of the psychic, but I feel as if I who have been walking on my feet, am now walking on my head. It is also a continuous hunger and thirst - although a hunger filled with peace - for this vibration. Do you feel what I want to say? In the morning I could fly and be there quicker and wait, but it has nothing to do with Her physical nearness - as some people here still do, just trying to see Her whenever they can. My life is completely changed, I am just possessed. But this cannot be expressed. I only know that it is a glory to be Her servant and instrument. Why am I writing about this difference? Because I know many questions we were asking ourselves outside. Now there is no use asking and answering questions. God came on earth and is living here in a human body. It is clear that I cannot yet grasp it, although I am here, but all eternity is before me.

I attended a lesson of Mother for the youth. Among other things She said that probably the dominant aspect in the supramental manifestation in the coming age will be that of Power, for the new race will need to be protected and that is why the Divine Power will have to protect it from destructive powers. Naturally, she said, that does not mean that the other aspects, Love, Joy, Knowledge will not be present. I have written this sentence for you because I persist in showing you what a difference here the direct Love means, Hers for us and ours for Her. I shall never forget how She said it, although before, when I was in Europe I could never have felt it like now, if I had only read such a sentence. At the end of the lesson She said She wanted to give us an important recommendation: never to want to take it but always to try only to open oneself, to give oneself, to surrender with as much ardent aspiration as is possible to us. And she repeated several times that there is a danger in each movement of wanting to take (This refers to the Mother's talk of 18 December 1957. Janina wrote this paragraph partly in French. Her recollection of the Mother's words was not exact).

What I have learned during these first days is - but I shall write about it another time. Now I want to tell you that yesterday I was accepted by Mother to attend a class of older youths and sadhaks during which Mother translates The Synthesis of Yoga into French. Before She came I had to wait near the table, just like a child in school (Oh! I tell you, this freedom here and this being a child is a glory) and when She came She handed me a book and a nice copybook with Her indescribable smile. I can look at Her only when I stand under the balcony. When She is so near me I cannot. Maybe because first I adored Mother as the Highest and I cannot even move in such moments, when She is near. But it will come. She will create it. She creates everything. Pavitra kneeling at the great stone of Sri Aurobindo's Samadhi, a girl of 16 with a face of almost a pure spirit, the work of hundreds of sadhaks who pray working....

24.12.1957

Today is Christmas Eve. I have given to Pavitra, to hand it to Mother for Christmas, the small Polish Madonna in the dark wooden triptych and your photo. I included inside a letter: "Ma Mere Divine, cette statuette a ete faite en Pologne. Permets que je Te donne aujourd'hui la photo de Riek, Riek par laquelle Tu m'as me nee a Toi. Janina." ("My Divine Mother, this statuette was made in Poland. Let me give You today the photo of Riek through whom You brought me to Yourself. Janina.") A few minutes later your letter arrived and I knew that the Divine Power was working with you too. You must forgive my letters and understand why it is. They are not so constructed as Heinz would want it, but other things will come later. What I wanted to tell you is this. Yesterday Mother has settled down in me in a way. After a few days of opening me and enlarging She just came and is in me. This does not mean that no waves, suggestions, movements arise, but it means - as I feel- becoming an instrument and being continuously transformed. Great inner difficulties may come, but all becomes different. Today I could even be natural in Her nearness. And I learned at today's Darshan that these last days since I came have been Her direct Grace at work in me. Today I was prepared that this would go on, but nothing happened and I felt only that now She wants to work through me, with me becoming Her in all my movements and seeing Her in everybody and everything. In my patient when I wash him, I wash Mother - in my helper, I feel Mother's love streaming through me to her (she is not easy). The difference between this and what was before, in Europe, is that I just simply feel Her in me. Her hands in mine, Her head in mine, Her heart in mine. And so I am becoming wider and wider and Love is streaming around in me. Mother gave me this wonder of a nursing home just for me to create and it will be something wonderfully individual as I am also a portion of Her. I am sorry I cannot write normal letters when I write to you, but this is right.....

29.12.1957

It is such a great happiness, such an unspeakable glory and at the same time just businesslike or like the working of a power station. Every morning during the Balcony Darshan we are filled with as much as each can bear of Force, Love, Light. It is quite clear that it is Her work on each individually - and, for the day, we are dismissed to do the work. It is like a conference of the manager-director (understand me well) with his workers. I have experienced so much during these few days, as if ages had passed since I left Karlsruhe. I have come in a period where She has more often contacts with sadhaks and they say I am lucky. But this is the childish aspect of many sadhaks here which probably often prevents them from going faster in their yoga. This is not like being a child - about which attitude I wrote to you in my first letter. Pavitra is a wonderful example of this most mature attitude of a real child. I understood this problem of an infantile - not right- attitude when I asked Pavitra if I could offer Mother for Christmas the Polish Madonna; he kindly smiled and said he will help me to hand it over to Mother. I then said that it was not necessary that I do it personally: he looked at me in a certain way and then again smiled at me in a different way than before, with such appreciation that I understood much. With me it is so, that during the darshan I give myself to Her and She gives so much that I see all the other contacts with Her as if I did not deserve them and as if it would be too much of Grace. And I have an inner contact with Her that is very deep. I have not spoken yet to Her, I only love Her and surrender as much as I can, from all my heart and with all my strength; and now I begin to learn, persistently, during the day, only to open myself and only to give myself and then She is there, She is in me, pouring Herself through me on whatever or whomever I am at that moment in contact with. It is not all the time and there are so many suggestions and waves which try to prevent it, but I am quite fanatical in my inner discipline now. And you see, there is a tremendous difference between that awful strain in the atmosphere of Europe and the atmosphere here. Sri Aurobindo said it clearly, that there is a value in Her physical nearness.

So I wanted to tell you that on Christmas day She just sat in an armchair under the Christmas tree in the playground and not only we, the sadhaks, but other people too could come and get some sweets from Her, which, of course, meant the contact with Grace. We, the sadhaks got more (I got a kind of diary with Her words), and when She gave it to me and looked at me, I just became again a different being. I even did not know how I passed farther and I stood for a time in a corner of the playground filled with something that cannot be described. And my everyday life is not easy. She gave me as helper a woman whom I shall not describe here but who is, humanly speaking, very difficult. But although no word was spoken, I know that Mother gave her to me that She might love her through me. And so I try and learn every day and bring to Darshan all the Nursing Home, with my helper, my workers, the furniture, the walls, the ceilings - everything I bring and give it to Her in my heart. And She gives me Force again. What I am sure of is that what I am experiencing is possible when the self-giving is very strong. Then the life becomes so intensive that nothing matters but She. But She is in everything. During the Synthesis Class I give my mind to Her and I feel the Power at work. I try very hard never to approach Her or be in Her nearness without intense concentration and meditation which for me also means self-giving. All this shouting and noise and agitated people and the Divine in the middle!!! So was the Christmas ceremony (after the organised part) and so are often the children in the playground. But I am in this respect a fanatic and when I have once in my hunting for my God got a glimpse of Him I shall not allow anything to deprive me of this....

30.12.1957

During Darshan this morning She showed me what is a kind of knack in the process of surrender. I have nothing to give, ever. But every time my act of self- giving is sufficiently strong She gives and acts in me and through me. It is like a rhythm: a movement in me to Her - a movement of Her in me. And the moment I think of giving or want to give, the contact is lost. It is a real school exercise - a school of Divine Living it is here. I often feel it so. "Here, my child, now this has to be learned, go on and report tomorrow." I am practising it now too. Giving myself as completely as I can to Her and I feel Her Love flowing through me to you. She told me also this morning that the way is just to go on and on with more and more self-giving - nothing else. Just more and more. Oh, there is such a great gratitude in me - how can I express it?

Soon my helper will come, so now I want to prepare myself inwardly. After a time I shall probably be able to write about it with humour....

7.1.1958

The most wonderful thing here is, that everything gets another meaning - another vibration - as the Divine lives here in a body. Maybe it is most for those whose psychic has opened and who go on deepening their self-giving and surrender, but it is so. For example the word adoration gets completely another sense when you just thrill in a state of Love for the Highest that exists and this Highest smiles and sighs and translates with you the Synthesis and touches your hand and gives you a sweet and arranges the flowers on the desk in the class. We usually put into adoration some distorted elements. What else can there be, when a particle of dust looks face to face into the Infinite? This is the most normal state in such a situation, I should say.

And as to the climate; it is now the best time for Europeans to come, there are nice showers, cool evenings and during the day no more than 30 to 32 degrees. But the sunshine is strong. Until now I have not put anything on my head and I do not wear glasses. Nobody does, they have umbrellas, but not everybody. So I will see; I will try to live as normally as possible. For me nothing else matters now but She. And this is not a state of excitement but peace.

My letters have not given you until now an idea of the most inner process that is going on - the deeper and deeper self-giving. It is as if I was continuously being broken by overpowering Love, Her Love; it is clear that the ego hidden in all the corners must disappear and I experience it as being broken, the body too, and the body kneeling prostrates itself with its forehead almost on, or on, the floor. This movement comes spontaneously and a vibrating force moves the body. It is just natural and it is a delight too, there is no strain in anything. And all this process is connected with X (Janina's helper). In Europe we would talk about asuras and forces and try fervently to remain positive. Here, Mother has given me X that I may give myself more and more to her as if she were Mother Herself. All these orders I get during Darshan. And X is Mother Herself. So I often prostrate myself inwardly during my work with her. I often kneel near her (understand me well, I am very matter of fact!) because she is the Highest with a mask. And then when I do it with enough surrender and purity I feel Mother working through me. I do not know what She does but now I have experienced that if we give ourselves to Mother in the evil, as if for being eaten up, She can really do the work, Her work. But all this comes just naturally, there is no tension, only happiness and gratitude and pain and suffering mixed together in a state that I cannot describe yet. And every day during Darshan She fills me with what She wants. Today She was as if not satisfied. She wanted still more surrender and stepping aside, but I go on. And I begin to love X with a force that just overwhelms. I have understood that Mother wants my Darshan adoration and surrender to widen into a permanent darshan towards Her in all things.

And now about Sri Aurobindo. If you could see some of the faces here when they kneel near the Samadhi or just lean closely and almost caress it, you would feel that this is a Living Stone. And if you could come to Him and kneel and put your tired head on this Stone, your worries would disappear and peace would enter into you. There is such a loving tenderness vibrating and such Power that I always get strength to go on when, after my work with X, it seems sometimes that I can no more go on - and when I come to Him and put my head on Him, this is not adoration as we understand it in our ignorant way, this is just Love for the Living Lord. Allow me to write as it comes. The time for things that will interest Heinz will come too. But I must remain natural in my writing.

When we, or rather She is translating the Synthesis, I sometimes think that a time will come when She might no more stay with us in the body (when She chooses it so) - and that so many human beings will never come in touch with the indescribable glory of Her presence; many will not even know that at that time Heaven was on earth. Oh! I am so grateful, that my being has really no more room to contain all these feelings that fill me. When we read about the Highest Universal Energy (She reads aloud in French - Pavitra and another French sadhak prepare their own translation in advance) and one knows that She is this Energy - I just cannot describe what I feel....

8.1.58

Yesterday I grasped what She wanted from me. For two days already I felt from time to time as if a mountain or huge waves were coming on me and pushing me back. She wants me to step back this time, as completely as I can - and to make room for Her. And I feel how foolish it is to push oneself into a place which God wants to occupy. But I grasped it with my heart rather. It was yesterday evening during the French talk for children. Among other things She was explaining how Sri Aurobindo used to free people from an obsessing thought or illness. And She was moving Her hands and fingers showing how He just took the thought out and removed it gently - the fact of His and Her Almighty Love became so overwhelming to me that I at last experienced that I cannot exist in God's Presence - I have to annul myself, just to become nothing. And now the time will come to practise it and persevere and persevere in this way. But my happiness is so great, so great....

I asked Nahar to send you the calendar. It is wonderful: Mother during the Morning Darshan. I stand always just below, a bit to the right in the second row with my head bent backward and with folded hands. God is descending there every day and She always appears silently as if a wild bird coming to its nest where children with wide opened beaks wait for food. I always feel it like this and She is feeding us through Her eyes. And it is all so real! Her vibration is felt usually after a few moments, after She has looked at me. I feel it in me and it works in me....

20.1.58

It is like being flooded. She pours and pours in and spreads Herself to all the corners, holes and caves of the being. And it is a continuous fever of self-giving and a continuous imploring and calling Her to come. The self-giving seems to be so insufficient and so poor when it faces the Grace. And when She comes, She becomes so near that I at last begin to feel free with Her, to talk to and adore Her in Her manifested body as She is here. I did not yet do it and this is also so wonderful how every tiny movement of life is being harmoniously arranged. There are already many threads connecting me with Her - not only the darshan and classes - although I have never talked to Her yet. Only once when She distributed sweets and I asked Her for one for our patient who could not come. But the threads are there: the doctor who reports to Her every day, Pavitra, Nahar who wants to create these connections, asking for photos of Her for our Nursing Home, telling Her probably about me, etc... Here we are all captives of Her love. This is not an abstraction or a sentimental expression. This is as realistic as anything can be. And it is just sheer delight, the life here. Anyway that is how I feel it. In the morning I awake and there is no inertia or coma, the first thoughts and my heart's beat are She and it is just love, and love. And Her vibration is in me, it often comes with great force and this makes it also possible to be able to face Her during the day - the love is this bridge between the drop of sea -water and Infinity.

Eating in the Dining Hall is a delight - She is present, really present - I feel Her and I offer my food to Her. (I always feel like telling you that I am very matter of fact, do not think that it is my Polish imagination!) The most wonderful thing is Her Love for us. I come near to Her only during distributions. There have been six such distributions since I came. The first on the day I came, when Her eyes' Vibration broke a crust in my eyes into my soul which felt as if somebody had made with an instrument two holes in a screen or wall. On Christmas day, She flooded me with a vibration of such sweet Love that I did not know how I could possibly bear it. On the 31st of December there was the distribution of the New Year's message and on the first of January distribution of the calendar and Prosperity. The fifth time was on the 14th of January when She touched my hand with a purpose (I knew it) and all my being went aflame. Yesterday there was the distribution of sweets after which I am again a different human being and nothing else matters but She. Now, each time the waves work with such a strength, I just try to withdraw into a corner and sit still. I know that not everybody here is open and surrenders to these waves strongly, but I write you what I have experienced. Anyway there are many who do - and probably much stronger than I. And this problem of more or less is no longer important to me. I do not compare. After a time She will probably widen my consciousness by flooding it more and more - and I will be all these sadhaks who do not surrender and all those who surrender - because She is all these sadhaks together.

But I wanted to write about the Love for us. She surrounds me with care and loving Force and thoughts although She does not speak to me. My French is improving with such speed that I can follow the translation of the Synthesis without difficulty. And She gives me all the ideas about how to make the Nursing Home harmonious and beautiful. And She gives everything I ask for. Yesterday I asked Madhav for Mother's signature to hang on the wall in the Nursing Home. You know Her signature is wonderful when large and framed. I did not know that that needs Her sanction. In answer She told Madhav that She will sign in the middle of the paper Herself, if I make a frame for it - not a real frame, but just a drawing around the paper. And this will be framed later. My gratitude is so great! You know how my being needs to be relaxed, loosened and how I would love to be in painting and drawing only Her pure instrument! And She is just doing it, because now each smallest line and dot on this drawing I shall try to draw with such love that it almost annuls myself and then She will come and draw. She said to Madhav: "Janina is an artist and when she draws it I shall sign it."

6.2.1958

I understand and feel what Sri Aurobindo said about not being concerned with one's own perfection. I simply forget all about it. I just have a kind of fever to be able to serve Her and nothing else. There is no place for anything else. Only to do Her will.

Do you know what happened yesterday? Mother sent me a sadhika whose husband was very ill, he almost died, but Mother kept him alive. Now he is out of the hospital and at home and now this Indian lady came to me to ask some details about the diet. But I felt that Mother wanted more from me and as there are no patients at present I proposed to go every day to her home and to supervise the servant and help with the cooking!! I am so happy because she accepted the proposal - I mean Mother has accepted it. I shall see Her in the sick man and I shall cook Her in the food and She will help me. But I would like to learn more from a book, and if you would send me one with recipes I would be awfully grateful. I feel the Mother must be laughing too about Janina's cooking! And in all these arrangements She is also teaching me French, because I had to prepare for Her the list of needed articles and write some explanations.

You should see me in the Indian "kitchen", cooking on the charcoal stove on the floor!! You are really missing something! Sometimes I pinch myself and realise that it is not a dream and I chuckle to myself. And you should have seen me today humbly serving "the king" and assisting humbly while he was eating! He is a darling old man. The doctor in the hospital said that his illness cannot be cured, but Mother works in all the cells of his body. So I know and feel that Mother is cooking through me and I pray and pray and try to learn not to do anything else but just to pray in all I do for him. Today I made vegetables (beetroot), rice, poached egg, one banana boiled in water with honey and a beaten egg-white with sugar which he liked best. I think you would burst out laughing seeing my worried face when I look at him to see if he likes the dishes I served or not. Until now he has liked everything, my dear!! So do not laugh too much! And now I am thankful that I did so much mountaineering and cooking on the rocks and at the lakes. Here it is done in just the same way. But here I have a servant - of course - who washes the dishes! So you see that it was only in the Belchenstr. 19 (The address of the friend in Germany to whom these letters were written) that I was treated badly and washed dishes every day!

This evening She will again distribute sweets in the playground. Something must have happened in my being as there was never such a glorious happiness in me as today. I do not want anything from Her - I just give myself and love Her. And so I shall go to Her this evening, to Her as the Universal Vibration who acts everywhere and is everything.

I had a very bad pain in my ear (the pain has been going on for two weeks). But since the day She touched my body with Her fingers, I said that there can be no compromise and that She is the only Master in this body of mine. So yesterday there was a kind of climax and I knew that the pain itself was She too and Her supreme Love working in me. I felt a great happiness - I implored Her that She help me to persevere. I knew it would not be right to ask for the pain to disappear. All this was going on in the afternoon and I went to the Synthesis lesson and implored Her all the time while we were waiting for Her. And then She came and stopped at the door and looked at me. I sit on the last bench. She just encouraged me to go on and the pain did not stop then. But She took it from me after one hour and allowed me to do my physical exercises without pain. Since then a great nearness and intimacy have been created, because She is in me and I in Her. This is how I begin to realise it. She is also the one who feels the pain in me, who moves my limbs, talks, thinks and feels, and this She does in every human being. So slowly She goes on widening my consciousness. Sometimes I am so thankful that I would like to give Her something great and wonderful and a few days ago I felt that I can give Her all the world, why not? If the time comes when all the world is in me, why should I not - in my deepest act of gratitude - do it?

24.2.1958

It is now necessary that I drop my mental as completely as possible. So She wants it. But it is not easy and for a time I shall stop formulating what is going on with me. This will help me. I want just to live in self-giving only, just to close my eyes and plunge myself into Her.

There are such wonderful articles in all three monthlies and quarterlies, Advent, Bulletin and Mother India, that I am sending you the last number of Mother India too. And from the Advent I am copying here a few sentences from the Mother that have for me a special value:

Perfect surrender

Three figures of total self-giving to the Divine:

(1) To prostrate at His feet giving up all pride in perfect humility.

(2) To lay down one's being before Him, to open out the whole body from head to foot, as one opens a book, spreading out the centres in order to make all their movements visible, with a full sincerity that permits nothing to remain hidden.

(3) To nestle in His arms, melt in Him with a loving and absolute trust. These movements may be accompanied with three formulas or anyone of them, according to the case:

(1) Let Thy Will be done, not mine.
(2) As Thou wilt; as Thou wilt.
(3) I am Thine for eternity.

Generally, when these movements are done rightly, they are followed by complete identification, the dissolution of the ego, bringing the sublime Felicity.

1.4.1958

I have given Her my mind and now I am without mind. Every time the mind wants to work the rejection brings it quietude and I see the futility of all these millions and millions of thoughts that used to fill my life, make me miserable, upset me, made me think how I shall do this or that or what will happen next. And I also understand what She means by wasting, squandering oneself - it is just all this turning and turning of useless stuff being produced instead of one single turning to Her and giving and giving oneself and all the centres and all one is and all one has. Every day is for me a new revelation in this process of self-giving because it seems to be without end and goes on and on deepening itself. I think that everything, just in deepening itself, becomes simpler. It was awful what this mind was doing with me and my life - it complicated everything. And every time I give Her something from myself completely, She flows into me. What will life be then, oh! when I really give Her all of myself - as I feel I shall?

This feeling of being without mind is so overwhelming that it changes life completely. Quietude, happiness and confidence in Her can now grow and do grow without being hampered at every step. So, I go on. I give Her all my emotions and She takes them and makes me free - I give Her all the desires and my physical being - and I remain without anything. This will now be the essence of my life, repeating and repeating these acts, more and more generously and more and more freely. How can I think, when She is thinking in my mental centre, arranging, rearranging, destroying, creating there as She likes? Of course, now it is all obscured by the dirt in my mental being, but She will slowly remove that. It was the first time that I went to Her for the distribution (on the first of the month) without wanting anything. I did not want Her to look at me, to give me anything, to fill me. I just prostrated myself in my inner being at Her feet and I was giving and giving all I could and I never knew before that I can give so much to God. Or it probably seems to be much... oh, you mind, go away-you do not belong to me.....

2.4.1958

Oh, this can only be compared to changing the element in which one lives, from water, for example, to air. Everything is new. And the essence of my life changes. Because now there seems to be really nothing more than sacrificing continuously. This will be the main occupation, probably the only one. I do not know. She often gives me new realisations. This one withdraws and comes back and so it goes. But I am born anew, I am the divine child that returns to the Father. Of course there is the adhara which She will go on purifying and later transforming. How long? I do not know - it is Her work, not mine.

6.4.1958

The divine child cannot go back to the Father with empty hands - and nothing less than all will do. Now I really feel it. Every movement, even the tiniest, belongs to Her and I just go on, first stating and beginning to feel that each thought, feeling, action in me is Hers and then immediately giving it, offering it to Her. And all this She is doing in me, She Herself. I feel like smiling at everything and everybody, as if I were living in a new world and I aspire for my birthright to be realised - realised fully - and to become Herself in all my being. And as it is She who aspires in me, it will become a reality....

Let me know if you have got the Bulletin issue of 1956. There are a number of very inspiring talks by the Mother. I often go to our beautiful library, sit on a big veranda with a view of the sea, in the shade of course, and read these old issues. It is as if She is actually instructing me. It really is so. Often I feel Her order to get up and leave everything at the Nursing Home and go to the library and read. This is more than reading. The August 1957 Bulletin has helped me today a lot. And often the part I have to read is "given to me" with the omission of other talks. My inner contact grows into a greater and greater intimacy. How could it be different? The time will come when my aspiration is so strong that nothing, nothing else will matter...

I firmly believe that all these changes in me are the result of the working of the Supermind in matter. It is easier and quicker since 1956 and I feel that I am allowed to stop for a moment. I never look back, but walk forward and forward and in this walking She gives me rest. I call Her my eternal holiday. All my life I have been longing for such repose and now- since the worst burden, the mind, has lost its supremacy over me - I just feel as if I am being carried in Her arms.

12.4.1958

Rain!! Lovely rain-like European summer rain. Now we will have to bear the summer heat for a few months. I am so thankful that I do not seem to suffer from the heat at all. When I am bathed in perspiration I feel contented and quite comfortable. I told myself: "This has to be accepted as something normal and even pleasant." But this does not change the fact that rain is wonderful and that not perspiring is quite welcome!

All my life is now centred on my soul's contact with Her, with God. The vital, mostly the conceited offended person, succeeds in making me fall down from my seat from time to time, but it is She who teaches me to become more and more detached in my soul from the adhara and not to get upset when, for example, the vital is angry with Her for a stupid reason. What I have grasped is that when even an awfully dirty wave rises in my being I must (1) immediately "run" with it to Her, (2) immediately feel immense joy that Her Grace is purifying me. Then there is no depression, no suffering. I immediately restore the balance and am in Her. This is not easy; but I shall go on and on.

13.4.1958

I feel that I should not resist - in a way - any wave. I mean, when Mother sweeps this house I must keep myself transparent and accept all the dirt and dust - accept but not hold it, even for a moment - only immediately pass it on, which means to Her. Almost automatically and with great speed. It is like physical exercises or a game. If I do not do it quickly enough, She cannot go on "throwing" it at me, like balls - because I would suffer under a pyramid of products of my own ego from which She wants to free me. So I must throw the balls back to Her for purification continuously. And if I do it quicker and quicker, She can throw more and more at me. So I feel now that it is much better to learn it, because the process of yoga will go much quicker. What has helped me most is the experience of throwing back the ball with great joy. But this I can still do only seldom. But I do not worry, I will learn it, it is like tennis...

15.4.1958

You ask about the bed I sleep on. It is comfortable, probably American, with iron springs - and an arrangement for a mosquito net, but this I will use when there is more rain. And my dresses? All are useful in a way - I mean the summer dresses, although I was told that it can be quite cold in winter, so I shall probably need the summer jacket as well.

I have now terrible "fights" with unconsciousness and inertia, but this picture of the tennis game helps me so much. Only now I feel it differently. My partner stretches Herself into a Sea of Grace into which I throw back the balls. And as the number of balls and the number of strokes is not infinite but limited, the time will come when one by one the balls will not come back at me from the Sea of Grace, but disappear in it. Seeing it so, I get force to go on and I feel it is better to do as much as I can and not wait for the future.

But no real progress is possible without equality. The time comes when this has to be learned definitely and to me most new things come through love. It is not real Love for the Divine if it is still without equality. So I feel that She will teach me equality now, through love for Her in all people, things, events. I aspire and aspire for equality. If I could apply the same wonderful way I always use when I feel pain, to all other happenings! Loving Her immediately in each fact, being, movement, as I love Her when I feel pain. It is real Grace that I can feel it so. Almost always the pain disappears, as if it melted away in love. Now I have had it with my liver again - since two days ago. I do not give in, even in the smallest things. I eat normally, do exercises and at such times there is always a moment She finds to give me more courage. Yesterday She did it when we were marching in group in front of Her. I felt so much Love in Her eyes when She looked at me that again nothing mattered. Of course, She does it with everybody when it is needed. But I always feel that it is connected with my inner fights and often it is formulated in words. But it is often terrible to discover how strong the ego and the desire soul still are. Of course, it should not be terrible for me, I should have equality, but I still do not have enough of it. I felt awfully hurt when She did not sanction all my projects to arrange the garden in the Nursing Home and this upset me. Thank God, I begin to be thankful when dirt and nonsense show themselves - as I said, it is better for it to be now, as early as possible. They must come out sometime, but still it upsets me.

17.4.1958

Yes, She will do it. This morning during Darshan I got the assurance. I shall learn to love Her in everybody and everything and then equality will come by itself. When I think that all I am going through now is only the first, tiny little beginning of spiritual life, I realise how deep the ego hypnosis is. For seventeen years I have known - and felt too - the existence of the Truth and yet the crust is still so hard.

I must tell you what kinds of flowers and fruits we have here. All the flowers we have in Europe and others too. There is a special garden with roses, many zinnias, gallardias, sunflowers and even violets. I did not see any wallflowers. We have verbena, but without fragrance, jasmine bushes and lovely creepers, like bougainvilleas in different colours and flowers I have not seen in Europe; I shall describe them when I know their names. Here we know them by names given to them by Mother. As for the fruits there are many bananas, lemons and papayas, oranges and of course coconuts from which we drink the liquid.

In the morning and early afternoon I wear dresses, especially those with wide skirts for sitting cross-legged and which are not transparent, as I do not like to wear petticoats - they are too hot. In the evening, when I go to the playground I wear shorts and a shirt. There is such happiness in me.

28.4.1958

My life is changing continuously - and my being almost from hour to hour. As She is the Most Holy who has descended here, I am just living and acting in a temple all the time. What was before as if, is now the beginning of reality. Before, I knew from Sri Aurobindo's books that each most common act has to assume the sublime character of a sacrifice in a temple - but now I really perform the sacrifice before Her Presence. It cannot be told what unspeakable felicity it brings to feel that She is present everywhere. Humility, adoration, gratefulness grow and grow and deepen. And there are really no other things that can drag me from Her, for I begin to feel Her in everything. It is no longer vague. I do not think; I do not try to imagine what will come next as I used to do before. Every time I did that, I landed in a corner. So She was teaching me. No, I have to let Her carry me in Her arms and feel the glorious joy of the unexpected. My trust in Her grows and grows and She becomes to me Something so close and so precious and dear that I just cannot describe it. Now I know that it will not be human beings I shall love but Her - and Her only - in everybody and everything. This morning I tried to express for you how thankful I am to Her, but I could not. Maybe it could be compared with the gratefulness of a most miserable leper towards one who would wash him and clean his wounds. Oh! She purifies me and delivers me from all evil.

27.5.1958

Our patient left and I have again more time. We have finished the big cleaning of the house with streams of water, which in this heat was quite pleasant.

Tomorrow X will give me a mango from Bombay. They are the best mangoes in the world, introduced there some centuries ago by Portuguese from Goa. She gets parcels from her husband. What a pity that I do not have a husband!

Oh, my felicity grows and grows. I had a few weeks of difficulty, gray days with inertia trying to get hold of me. But now it is so different. Whether there is inertia or not, I am all the time in Her arms. I never knew before that trust and confidence have such an uplifting power in them. When I am very conscious of the immense trust I have in Her, in the tiniest and biggest things, there comes always such a warm wave of love that surrounds me and I feel Her so very near to me. I have stopped thinking about my yoga, my progress, etc. I only aspire that I might be conscious of Her working in me, that I may not forget the sacrifice of every little thing to Her and that I might become Herself. And I surrender. That is my life. If I am to become more and more like Her, I must lose the ego and become one with all people, all the world. Everything is included in becoming more and more as She is - She contains all. She is the Creatrix of all the Universe. So why should I concentrate on anything else? There is nothing else. And She is for me not the person I see. She together with Sri Aurobindo is the Highest. And I try to feel Her always together with Him - Ishwara-Shakti (The Lord and his creative power). This helps me so much. And in the Synthesis it is plainly said that "the seeker of the integral Truth feels in the duality of Ishwara-Shakti his closeness to a more intimate and ultimate secret of the divine Transcendence and the Manifestation than that offered to him by any other experience." Just a week ago we were translating it with Her in Her class.

This is always an inexpressible experience to know that the Highest about whom we read is sitting there in front of us at the desk, reading aloud about Himself (Herself). It happens that sometimes She stops or even puts her head on the desk for a while. Then we know that from somewhere in the world a call has come to the Mother and that She concentrates and acts. Then She quietly goes on reading and translating. And somewhere a soul was helped.

I received your letter of the 21st. It is so wonderful that being so much concentrated on Her and "turning round" Her, I do not feel at all far from all the friends you write about. Just the opposite. The knowledge and feeling is growing that She is in each of them.

31.5.1958

Since the lesson She gave me during the movies I know that I could never find Her if the element of outer appearances were allowed to remain in my attitude towards Her. But as my love for Her is great it all developed in such a wonderful way. I felt that I myself can do nothing and She made me come to the point where I could take all my love for Her into my hands and offer it to Her for purification and transformation. This happened the day before yesterday during the Balcony Darshan and She accepted my offering. Since it happened I begin to feel more and more as if I am on the way to becoming nothing. I know that there is plenty still in me to be given to Her, but it now seems to be so logical - just to go on: to give this, and there is less in me, and again this and there is still less in me; and so I shall come progressively to the moment of being nothing, because She will have taken all of me. Oh! this is such happiness! Yesterday during the children's class She spoke about the "Supreme Love which knows everything and can do everything". I let this sentence work in me and it seems that nearly each preoccupation with myself - the small myself - is in such a situation just an offense and foolishness.

Yesterday I saw something of the country surrounding Pondicherry. Mother possesses many estates, farms, gardens and lakes, 2-7 miles out of town in different places. It is a wonderful feeling to feel Her so much spread over the land around. In each place there are one or more sadhaks living there and there is such a nice atmosphere. I have seen a pottery and a poultry farm and two vegetable gardens, very big ones. I went in a jeep that brings vegetables for the Ashram. I wanted to see the pottery and what clay they use and how they dry the pots as I am doing some sculpture. But they were so kind to show me also other places on the way. Near the pottery is a lovely house where the father of our director of physical education lives. He supervises all the rice fields. The feeling of Her presence in all these places made me see once more that even if the sadhaks are more or less human, She is the Lord of everything and radiates through them. And you know, Riek, there is now also such happiness radiating in our Nursing Home. Our patient said it to Mother and people who come say it too.

20.6.1958

Today I have a meat holiday. Tripura's husband has his birthday and he did not want any meat. So I gave more time to the "garden". It is so funny - a garden in flower-pots. Everything grows so quickly - you cannot imagine - but there are also more different pests to be fought than in Europe.

I do my work and practise being only a witness. It will be so: I shall sit in a corner of Her Heart and adore Her. She will do all the work, and think in me and feel in me and I shall look at it with wonder and admiration. In a way - maybe - it is already so. But sometimes it is all so overwhelming that I hardly believe that it is. I remember how often I was reading and repeating to myself in Poland, "In order to stand aside, you must know yourself as the Purusha (conscious being; essential being supporting the play of Prakrit (Nature or cosmic energy)) who merely watches, consents to God's work, upholds the Adhar and enjoys the fruits that God gives." But at that time I never grasped that it means I shall really be doing nothing. When I say that, maybe, it already is, I mean that I feel Her doing the work - not that the channel is clean.

I want to go to the library today and read some of the psalms from the Bible, the ones where the human soul, being at peace, adores the Lord. So I feel, I aspire for more and more true, deep humility. How can I stand before my Lord without perfect humility? She is the Lord together with Sri Aurobindo. She is transforming my love for Her so that I can....

30.6.1958

I am prostrating myself before the chief who is Herself and things are becoming clearer and more harmonious. My life seems to be becoming slowly concentrated only on Her. I have endless conversations with my God and I begin to discover that He (or She), being the Immensity, is at the same time something very, very simple. I can quarrel with Her, or put my head on Her lap and cry, or I can smile and laugh. She will accept everything. Oh! at last I can be completely natural, completely, completely, as I am now with all my imperfections. She knows each corner of my being and She loves me as I am. I feel Her more and more clearly in my inner being, close to me. She embraces me and we both as witnesses watch all that is being done by Her as God the Worker - in me and everywhere. This does not mean that all is easy. Oh! I feel so exhausted often and have strange headaches, but now all has become different. I have really given my adhara to Her. I no longer have a headache - She has it. Let Her do with it what She likes and with my fatigue too. My eyes are also inflamed again, but I do not worry. Let Her worry!

Our patient is much better. It has been a real yoga crisis. There is so much jealousy streaming on me - but that is also Mother's business, not mine.

The heat had been awful for a week and then, suddenly, overnight, the change came. There are lovely showers and it is much cooler. Evenings, nights and mornings are almost European! I have received both your letters and I shall give the letter to Pavitra this evening. It is good that you have written to him. It does not matter at all what you write to me, just write. Everything will come in its due time. Oh! I have such confidence now in Her. Each tiniest thing She is just doing in the way and time when it is necessary.