Flame of Love

Preface

I present this compilation of sweet memories of Motiba (Champaklal's aunt) and Bansidhar (Champaklal's younger brother) who came to Sri Aurobindo Ashram in its early days when the Ashram had few inmates — sixty to seventy. Those were days of intense sadhana, as Sri Aurobindo and the Mother were bringing down the Supreme Truth, Light, Harmony, Peace and love into the earth-consciousness. Given the privilege of living in close proximity with them, the Divine in human form, the sadhaks and sadhikas were single-mindedly concentrated on their sadhana. They were silent servitors and one in their aim to surrender to the Lord Sri Aurobindo and the Mother with full faith. With a burning flame of love in their heart they came — to serve, to love, to realise the Divine.

For me, for my family, for my friends and many others, Champaklal, Kamalaben, Motiba and Bansidhar were like loving guardians. They were unique in their own way. This is my humble effort to express my heart-felt gratitude to them. This compilation is not biographical. It is a brief account of a few events in their lives which exemplify their simplicity, sincerity, surrender and unswerving fidelity to the Divine. Those who came into contact with them learned many things from their way of living.

I admire Motiba for her simplicity, receptivity and love for all, qualities which were inborn in her. The Mother has said: "Simplicity is of all things the best to express harmony."

Praful, an inmate staying in the Ashram building, recounted to me a significant incident about Motiba which occurred a few days before her passing away: It involved Kamalini, who looked after both Motiba and Bansidhar for the last ten years of their lives. "One day at midnight," Praful said, "Kamalini came running to tell me about something unusual happening to Motiba. I went there and what did I see? She was engrossed in loudly singing Sri Krishna's bhajans, and it went on until two o'clock! I was taken aback and wondered what force could make her sing like this at the age of one hundred and eleven. No doubt, it was the Mother's Shakti working in her. Because she was receptive to the Mother's Force, she could receive so much."

I had the interview with Motiba in 1995, when she was completing a hundred years. It is re-edited and included in this booklet.

I came in contact with Bansidhar when I was working with Champaklal. My first impression of him was that of a spontaneous, straightforward, fearless and loving man. He could not tolerate injustice so he stood up and fought against it. I found him beside Champaklal like a Lakshman beside Rama, always ready to help. I quote here from Champaklal Speaks: "Speaking of the French Revolution, the Mother said: Pujalal was there. But I did not know that Bansidhar also was there, helping me. Strange!"*

Sunandaben told me of an incident which took place in her presence: "Once a young lady came to Bansidhar. He was at his table writing out passes for darshan in Sri Aurobindo's room. This lady approached him and almost in tears said, 'I can't take it, I can't bear it any more. I don't want to live. I just want to die.' Bansidhar simply looked at her and after a few moments of silence said, 'Do you really want to die? Give up this life?'

'Yes,' she almost wailed.

* Champaklal Speaks, Third edition, p. 216.

'Then go out, down the steps, leave the building, turn to your left and start walking. You will come to the wall, a small one. You can climb over it. Just jump into the sea.' "

Bansidhar did not like to speak or write about himself. After a lot of insistence he wrote one article, "My Early Golden Days", which was published in The Advent in February 1994. I have included it in this book.

I am happy that Asha, Nayana and Sunandaben cooperated with me willingly by sharing their reminiscences.

I express my sincere appreciation of the dedicated team of Ashram doctors, our Yogi Dr. Datta, Dr. Salila, Dr. Gayatri Vishvabandhu and their staff, who were ever ready to serve Motiba and Bansidhar whenever needed; to Albertbhai, a Trustee of Sri Aurobindo Ashram, and Ashokbhai, who were associated with them from the early days and were always helpful to them; and to Janardan, Vidyutlata, Shyama, Mukundbhai, Chandidas and others, who served them silently. Kamalini was chosen by the Divine to serve Motiba and Bansidhar; she considered herself fortunate, for she said, "It was by serving them that I became conscious of the Mother's way of working. I cannot forget their touch and the love they showered on me."

My sincere thanks to Apurva, Bob, Ganpatibhai and Sunjoy for their valuable help in this book. I also thank the Sri Aurobindo Ashram Trust, the Ashram Archives and the Ashram Press for their cooperation.

Six sadhikas of the Ashram, 1928

Vasudha, Dayaben, Laxmiben, Kamala, Motiba. Prasanna

Part 1

Memories of Motiba

O Victorious power of divine Love, Thou art the sovereign Master of this universe, Thou art its creator and its saviour, Thou hast permitted it to emerge from chaos, and now Thou leadest it to its eternal goal.

There is not a thing so humble but in it I see Thee resplendent, not a being apparently so hostile to Thy will but I feel Thee live in it and act and radiate.

O my sweet Master, essence of this love, I am Thy heart, and the torrents of Thy love pass through the entirety of my being and flow out to awaken Thy love in all things or rather to awaken all things to the consciousness of Thy love which animates all.

All those who do not recognise Thee, all those who do not know Thee, all those who try to turn away from Thy sweet and divine law, I take into my arms of love, I cradle them in my heart of love and offer them to Thy divine flames, so that penetrated by Thy miraculous effluence, they may be converted in Thy beatitude.

O Love, resplendent Love, Thou penetratest, Thou transfigurest all.

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Motiba and Kamala

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Champaklal's Dear Aunt Motiba

Every time I saw Motiba, I was reminded of my childhood days, of my grandmother's care and affection. Like her, Motiba always caressed and blessed me with all her love and affection.

Every phase of life has its own charm, even old age, if one knows how to see it. It is a charm that radiates humility, tender disinterested love, dedication and surrender. Motiba was a true symbol of it. She was pure-hearted, simple, loving, caring, happy, calm and detached. She poured her love and blessings on whoever visited her. How delightful it was to see her full of joy on her birthday. Champaklal used to remember his dearest Foiba with love and respect.

Motiba arrived in the Ashram with Champaklal's brother Kantilal on April 4, 1926 and remained here for the rest of her life. The Mother fixed her birthday as January 27. And so January 27, 1995 marked her centenary. Even at that age she continued doing all her household work herself, and sometimes her cooking too. About her weakened eyesight and hearing, she used to say with a smile: "How can I blame my eyes and ears? They have served me so well all these years."

Such was our Motiba. She was the first member of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram to complete hundred and eleven years. During the final years of her life she stayed in Champaklal's room in the Ashram with his brother Bansidharji. She has often spoken fondly of Bansidharji's childhood days to me. When he passed away, it was an

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unbearable shock to her; she went into silence for many days.

Motiba left her physical body on 21^st April 2006 very peacefully.

Motiba's Recollections

I always enjoyed asking Motiba questions about herself and her life in the Ashram. Her pet opening to her response was: "I don't remember much, my memory has faded. But I will try to tell you whatever I can." I give here some interesting selections from her replies using, as far as possible, her own words.

Will you please tell me about your childhood and early life before you came to the Ashram?

My father's name was Nathuram, my mother's name was Mooriben and our surname Tarwadi. We were Modh Brahmins. My father used to read the Puranas and do Yajnas and Havans. Being a priestly family, our economic condition was quite ordinary. Our family Deity was Galleshwar Mahadev, though we also worshipped Sri Krishna. Several times our family witnessed miraculous and wonderful blessings of Galleshwar Mahadev.

I lost my father at the age of six. I was married when I was only eight. My mother died within six months of my marriage. I went to my in-laws when I was fifteen and became a widow the next year. My husband Amthalal suddenly fell ill after returning from Bombay and died at

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the age of twenty-five on Mahashivaratri. My five sisters died one after another. I was the youngest daughter of my parents. My younger brother Mafatlal passed away at the age of eighteen.

I was terribly shocked by this series of untimely deaths of my near and dear ones and gradually lost all interest in life. Champaklal was very dear to me, but he had already settled in the Pondicherry Ashram.

How did you decide to go to Pondicherry?

After Champaklal had settled permanently in Pondicherry, I decided to go there. I wrote a letter to Sri Aurobindo, asking for his permission to come. When I was living in Patan I had a darshan of him and the Mother in a vision. In it, I saw Sri Aurobindo walking continuously in the room where he used to walk and the Mother standing on the steps of the house's staircase. Champaklal talked to the Mother about this vision and about my wish to stay in the Ashram. I had already sent my photograph.

You would find it very interesting to know how things got arranged for me. In Patan it had been decided to get Champaklal engaged to my sister-in-law. But Champaklal was firmly against marriage and did not want to leave the Ashram. So my relatives sent me with Kantilal to explain the situation to him and take him back to Patan — but instead I stayed back in the Ashram! First I stayed in a room in the Atelier, then in the Balcony house, and finally in the Post Office house. Now I live here in Champaklal's room.

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I saw the Mother for the first time in this room itself, because in those days the Mother was staying in this room.

For the first six months I lived at my own expense. Then one day Mother called me and asked, "Do you want to stay here permanently?" "Yes Mother," I replied; "if you permit me." Thereafter Mother used to give me thirty rupees a month for my expenses.

Did your relatives try to persuade you to go back to your house in Patan?

Yes, I received many letters, messages and telegrams from them. Finally Sri Aurobindo wrote a letter to them and they never called me again. Let me show it to you.

Sri Aurobindo's Letter

"Motiba is quite happy here and she is progressing very well in her sadhana. If she goes away from here, the progress will be stopped and much of what she has gained may be lost. An intensive and concentrated sadhana once begun has to be persistently continued in the right atmosphere. If it is kept up only for a short time and then dropped for another kind of life in which the concentration is diffused and weakened, there is no likelihood of

* Champaklal told me that Motiba's correspondence with Sri Aurobindo and the Mother was very interesting. Unfortunately, it has not been found.

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fruition. For this reason we would disapprove of her departure."

What work did the Mother give you?

Initially, the ironing of Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's clothes. I was instructed by Datta, the English lady who accompanied the Mother here. Later, I was also given the work of washing Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's clothes. I had the privilege of washing them twice a day and this is how I also got my Lord's darshan twice a day. First when I went to his and the Mother's bathrooms in the morning to collect the clothes, and the second time when I went to return the cleaned clothes in the evening. The Mother always gave me a sweet smile. I went to Sri Aurobindo's room in the evening to put his Dhoti there. At first I used to place it outside his room. Later on, the Mother permitted me to place it inside. In those days Sri Aurobindo kept walking to and fro in his room. As soon as I opened the door, he would switch on the light and I would place his Dhoti inside. [Here, Foiba showed me the art of folding the Dhoti in a special manner.] After his accident, there were more clothes to wash every day.

Once I fell ill and was sent to the Nursing Home. The Mother enquired about my health every day. When I came back from the Nursing Home, I went to see her. She blessed me and said, "You will remain like this." To me this meant that I would be active even in my old age. And this has come true by the Mother's Grace, for I am moving around and working even today.

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Once I got a bad cough. Sri Aurobindo noticed it and told the Mother. She herself prepared a soup for me and sent it through someone. Mother knew that I might refuse to take it, so she also sent Champaklal with a tablet. I was reluctant to take the soup but when Champaklal explained why it would help me, I took the soup and tablet. With that one tablet my cough disappeared! Since then that tablet became very popular in the Ashram.

After Sri Aurobindo's Mahasamadhi, Champaklal did not eat for five days. The Mother herself made him drink a glass of juice.

After Sri Aurobindo left his body, I was allowed to go to his room every day for meditation. Our Gracious Mother always allowed me to sit as long as I wished.

What other work was given to you?

We had no servants in those early days. There was only self-help. So I used to cook for Bansidhar as well as myself. Sometimes I cooked for Sri Aurobindo too.

What did you prepare for Sri Aurobindo?

Bhajias (pakodas) made from ajwain leaves, potato-vadas and small sweet pudlas (pancakes). He liked the pudlas very much and used to eat a good number of them. Of the bhajias, potato-vadas and puris, he used to eat only two or three. Once he got some kidney trouble and Mother stopped his eating the sweet pudlas. So I made pudlas without sugar, but he did not like them. Every day, at about four in the

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afternoon I used to take walnuts, cashews, almonds and raisins fried in ghee for him to his room.

Once I presented to him a handkerchief woven by me with golden thread. He used to keep it with him on the darshan days.

Did you practise meditation when you were in Patan?

Yes. I meditated, read the Gita, and the Bhagavat Purana; I also did japa. Once Lele*, the Maharashtrian yogi, visited our house. He advised me to read Bhaktiyoga, the twelfth chapter of the Gita. He never ate food prepared by other people, and usually only took fruits. But once when he was staying at our neighbour Randal's bungalow, he said, "If Moti prepares the food, I will eat it." So that day I cooked for him. Champaklal and Lele took lunch together.

Did you have any spiritual experience with Lele?

Yes, I saw light on his head when I first met him.

Any other experiences?

Yes, I had many experiences, but I cannot describe them to you. My experience of seeing Light started at the age of seventeen. I saw a Light when my younger brother Mafatlal expired in Patan.

* Vishnu Bhaskar Lele. See Champaklal Speaks, Third edition, pp. 31-35.

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When Champaklal left his body in Jantral I saw a Light and heard his voice telling me, "Foiba, I am leaving." When Bansidhar was ready to leave for Jantral, he was hesitant to break the news of Champaklal's demise to me, but I said to him, "I know it."

I had an experience in the Playground on the day before Sri Aurobindo left his body. I had gone there to see the temple of the Mother arranged by the children, but I could not enjoy the programme. There was a constant feeling that Sri Aurobindo would leave his body soon.

I used to see visions quite often. In meditation I often saw Sri Aurobindo, the Mother and Lord Krishna. Once I saw the Mother as Amba Mataji. Whenever I was unwell I always saw the Mother's hand on my head.

Did you go to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother daily for Pranam ?

Yes, whenever I went for Pranam Sri Aurobindo put his whole hand on my head but the Mother just touched it.

Why did the Mother only touch your head? Didn't she love you?

No, no! Mother loved me equally, as much as Sri Aurobindo! She only touched my head so that my ego would not grow.

Will you tell me about your experiences on the Darshan days?

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The Darshan days! [Motiba's face became suffused with joy.] How can I describe something indescribable? When Sri Aurobindo put his hand on my head, I felt a deep peace. His touch was soft, velvety, featherlike. I did not want to raise my head!

As we can see Motiba had done an intensive and concentrated sadhana throughout her life. She was for me, the ideal example of a sincere sadhika. One felt peace, light and love in her presence.

My heartfelt gratitude goes to her for all the help she has been on the way.

Roshan

To be receptive is to feel the urge to give and the joy of giving to the Divine's work all one has, all one is, all one does.
- The Mother

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Bansidhar , Champaklal , Motiba , kantilal , 1932

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Sweet Memories

My earliest memories of Motiben — Foiba as I have always known her — are those of a strictly disciplined sadhika: not very communicative, very quiet and reserved, ever concentrated only on her assigned work. She always dressed in a spotlessly white Ashram sari, draped in her native Gujarati style and cowling her head.

In the last two decades, I found her completely mellowed down — at all times she would be full of love and affection. But most apparent was her unshakable faith, love and adoration for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. She would tell us that often Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, and sometimes Sri Krishna, came and talked to her. This was, she said, mainly because she was living in the room that Mother herself had once occupied. I remember her telling me once that Sri Aurobindo had come that morning and enquired after her health. Sometimes, however, people around her would see her gesticulating angrily, as if at some invisible being, ordering it to go away. Who were those beings or forces has never been known, because she never responded to questions on that subject.

Foiba had her own way of showering her blessings and offering guidance. For instance, she always told us to do japa of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. "Never forget them even for a moment," she would emphasize. "For, one day we shall have to leave everything in this world and go, and at that time they alone will be with us. Always remember them and pray for their guidance and protection."

Foiba possessed a deep and vast wisdom which gave

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Champaklal's family

Top: Taraben (Sunderlal's wife), Motiba, Ambaben (Champaklal's elder sister), Kantilal

Center : Sunderlal , Pavatiben (Motiba's elder sister), Chhotelal & umiya ( Champaklal's Father & mother), Champaklal

Bottom : Laxmi (Ambaben's daughter ), Bansidhar

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her an inner eye to know and comprehend all who came to her. She would catch the person's vibrations and thoughts but kept a perfect control over her own reactions to them; nothing in her conversations or expressions revealed what she had seen or understood.

She was wont to burst into devotional songs, often singing her bhajans for hours together. Even at a hundred and eleven, her memory, I must say, was just fantastic. The atmosphere created by her pure and unalloyed bhakti has turned me into a lifelong devotee of Foiba. I gratefully bow to her boundless faith and her immeasurable inner development.

There is another thing I recall with great pleasure. Although Foiba never asked anyone for anything, there would appear an unforgettable sparkle in her eyes when she was presented with something she liked or needed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you very much," she would say. It was a sparkle that thrilled us to the very core and made us grateful for the opportunity of witnessing it.

I bow down once again to the great souls who offered themselves so absolutely to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. I pray to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo to grant us the strength, courage, and complete faith to be able to follow their luminous footsteps to reach the Goal.

ASHA KOTHARI

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Four brothers

Kantilai, Sunderlal, Champaklal. Bansidhar, 28 February 1932

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Foiba, as I Know Her

If you have the power of observation you can find this world full of enthralling personalities and circumstances. There are those who want to be forever basking in the blessed innocence of children; there are those who prefer the fragrant ambience of beautiful flowers — of all-absorbing nature; there are those who choose always the invigorating company of the youth, their brilliant creative talents; and finally, there are those who seek the boundless peace and purifying presence of the spiritually advanced.

I have been very fortunate to discover the place where all these sought-after things, in fact, everything you really need, exist together, at the same time. It is Sri Aurobindo's Ashram at Pondicherry — a creation of the Divine Mother. And here, I have found a most extraordinary personage, and that is Foiba (the paternal aunt) of Champaklalbhai. and Bansidharbhai. Of the hundred and eleven years that she passed on earth, I was in contact with her only in the last forty-five during which I had many an interesting experience of her nature and attainments, and she became my Foiba also.

The most significant of the Divine Mother's messages that Foiba tirelessly reiterated to us children taking their first faltering steps on the long and difficult path of the Integral Yoga was, to put it in her Gujarati,

Jeevan-ma apan-ne matra ekaj vastuni jaroor baniraho — Prabhu-no sakshatkara. "Let there be only one need in our life: the realisation of the Divine."

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Foiba was "Great". I cannot find words adequate enough to describe her. So many times Foiba and I have communicated with each other without words. And we reached so much understanding because of the transparency of love and understanding that grew between us. Of course, she was always perfectly spontaneous with everyone, living at every moment in her true self. But by the Divine Mother's Grace she gave me a special place not only in her home but also in her heart and life.

Foiba's words used to come to me like Arjun's arrows, always hitting the right spot. Forceful words that always reached where they had to reach. Haven't you felt an arrow of her quiver flying out with all her love from her bow?

Once, in my early days, in 1960, I told her, "Foiba, I don't like Pondicherry, but I am so happy that I have seen the Divine Mother and I am here. I have all around me love from my family, as well as from you and your family; and what is most important is that the Mother has received me with so much love and has blessed me. I feel like 'a fish in the water', for there is nothing which is missing in life. In short, I am very happy in spite of all the other troubles that are there. Why?"

Then she told me one of her experiences: "I had come here only to find out why Champaklal was not returning home; why he continued to be in Pondicherry. But so great was my feeling after seeing Sri Aurobindo that I couid never go back."

I said, "Foiba, you must have felt this place as I am now feeling it — Paradise on Earth. But then, after experiencing such a lofty Joy, why are these troubles still bothering

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me? They should not!" Then she sang two lines of a popular Bhajan of poet Preetam:

Hari-no maarag chche shoorano,

nahi kayara-nu kaam jone

Part ham pahela mastaq mooki

varati lejo naam jone.

"The path leading to the Lord is for the warrior; no place in it for cowards;

Offer up your head at his feet first, if you wish to utter his name effectively."

Most people here know that Foiba had a lucid memory. Up to the very end she remained clear-headed, graceful and strong. Above all she loved singing Bhajans. Whenever she spoke or sang, the truth behind her words leaped out and reached where it had to reach and served its purpose very well. She always gave me the feeling that she could clearly see my inner being and how I needed her unselfish love to progress in life.

Foiba used to have many experiences, visions and dreams. And often she would narrate them to me. She liked me to read to her from certain books and I enjoyed reading them to her. During that time we would both forget the passage of time. We enjoyed those satsangs and always I returned from her room with an immense joy, filled with a nourishing food for my soul.

A recent incident has left a deep impression on me. It shall remain vibrantly alive in my memory. I shall try to

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narrate the whole episode exactly as it happened, but I am not sure if I will succeed in expressing it fully. However, I am very happy to share my experience with others. I am sure there are people on this earth endowed with the insight to understand properly the language of Love and Faith for which words are not the true medium. The following narration is just an attempt at expressing them.

Once, while Foiba was thinking of Lord Rama, Hanuman came and sat beside her on her cot. After sometime Sri Aurobindo also came and stood in front of her. Then Hanuman was asked to leave and he went away.

While relating this experience, Foiba seemed overwhelmed with happiness, for she had had the darshan of the Lord. Whenever she talked about Sri Aurobindo one could see how everything was vibrantly alive in her — Joy, Force, Health, etc. She lived in Eternity and was rejuvenated by the Darshan of her Majestic Master. After hearing her experience I took the liberty of asking her, "Why did Hanuman have to leave after the coming of Sri Aurobindo? If they both were there with you, you would have been happier, isn't it?" She was engrossed in her experience and did not answer but I persisted, "Why was Hanuman asked to leave when Sri Aurobindo came?" Since I stuck to my question, she was forced to answer.

She told me with firmness and politeness the words that Sri Aurobindo had uttered, Hoon chchu ne? "I am with you always."

Only three words but how powerful and forceful!

There are many other incidents and conversations which may sound like common-place happenings, but when

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understood deeply were profound and great experiences, powerful enough to quench one's thirst for the higher life of love, truth, purity, dedication, totality, in all the activities of one's daily life.

I consider myself very fortunate that I was closely associated with Foiba. Practice, thorough and integral, was the aim of her life. Never could one feel uncomfortable with her.

Nayana Zaveri

Grant, I implore Thee, that all in my being may be

identified with Thee. May I be nothing else any more

than a flame of Love utterly awakened to a supreme

realisation of Thee.

- The Mother

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Grace on Motiben *

Mother said to me this morning: "If I give the Bulletin to Motiben will she like it? Do you think she will be happy? I will give it for the pictures; she can see them." Mother knew that my aunt does not know English.

C: "Mother, as you are giving, you can give her the Hindi edition."

Mother: "I don't have it but I will ask Jayantilal."¹

Later, when Mother came for Sri Aurobindo's lunch, she informed him: "Motiben has offered a very pretty silver fork for you. Today is her birthday."

Sri Aurobindo smiled and said: "Oh!"

Then Mother asked Chinmayee to bring that fork. But pointing to the one which was already there, Chinmayee said: "Mother, this one also is of silver."

Mother: "Yes. But the new one is pretty and today is her birthday; bring that."

Thus Chinmayee was obliged to bring the fork offered by Motiben. Mother placed it in Sri Aurobindo's hand. He took it with a smile and said: "Oh... oh!"

It was a treat for me to watch how the Grace worked.

* Champaklal Speaks, Third edition, p. 198.

1. Jayantilal Parekh (1913-99) studied art in Shantiniketan before joining the Ashram in 1938. He served the Ashram in various capacities before the Mother entrusted him with the responsibility of setting up and organising the Ashram's Archives and Research Library. See Mother India 1999, p. 442; and Mother India 2000, pp. 224-25, 295-98, 383-86.

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"My Water Saree"

Long back, Foiba had offered a very light-weight golden tissue saree to the Mother. It was one of her own sarees that had been used by her. It was soft and woven with white horizontal lines across the length of the saree.

The Mother liked it very much and wore it quite often.

As we know, the Mother stopped wearing sarees after 1950. But later in 1955, She was offered a Ruby Crown and She wore once again a saree for the special Puja Darshan.

Whenever She selected the saree for a particular day, She preferred a light weight, soft and delicate one, but of course, She would also wear any which was offered lovingly.

It seems, She wore Foiba's saree at least two or three times between 1955 and 1958. And every time She had specially asked for it. Lovingly She would caress the saree and called it, "My Water Saree".

SUNANDA

Fill our hearts with the delight of Thy love.

Flood our minds with the splendour of Thy light.

Grant that we may effectuate Thy victory!

- The Mother

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Bansidhar , Pujalal , Champaklal , Nirodbaran , Lallubhai.

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Part 2

Memories of Bansidhar

Painting given by the Mother to Bansidhar on

his birthday, 21 February 1949

Like a flame that burns in silence, like a perfume that rises straight upward without wavering , my love goes to Thee; and like the child who does not reason and has no care, I trust myself to Thee that Thy Will may be done, that Thy Light may manifest, Thy Peace radiate, Thy Love cover the world. When Thou wiliest I shall be in Thee, Thyself, and there shall be no more any distinction; I await that blessed hour without impatience of any kind, letting myself flow irresistibly toward it as a peaceful stream flows toward the boundless ocean.

Thy Peace is in me, and in that Peace I see Thee alone present in everything, with the calm of Eternity.

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My Early Golden Days*

My father was a Purani, a Brahmin whose profession was to read from the Puranas, our mythological scriptures and teach them to others. In the evenings, after our supper, we used to sit in the verandah of our house. My elder brother and I had to recite the multiplication table as was our custom. After that ritual was over, my father related to us stories from the Puranas. Thus I got acquainted with the stories from the Mahabharata and the Ramayana. Of all the stories that I listened to, I liked most the stories of Dhruva and Prahlad, and so like them I aspired to have the realisation of God.

When I was studying at the school my thoughts often turned to Dhruva and Prahlad. I wondered about their not being educated and yet having realisation of God. I also believed that all studies were of no use, unless one could realise God. The only Truth seemed to lie there.

When I was young, I was aware that one of my elder brothers, Champaklal, lived at Pondicherry with Sri Aurobindo. As I grew up a little more and went to High School, I could clearly understand that my brother Champaklal, living at Pondicherry with Sri Aurobindo, was pursuing Yoga Sadhana for the realisation of God. About the time, I learned that my elder brother Kantilal and my aunt (Father's sister) Motiben were to go to Pondicherry. Since I was attending school, I was unable to express my

* Bansidhar's own reminiscences. Bansidhar was Champaklal's youngest brother. Born on 21 January 1908 at Patan, Gujarat, he left his physical body on 25 September 2005.

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wish to go to Pondicherry! After about six months, a man named Vadilal, who was a close friend of my elder brother Sunderlal, came to our place from Bombay. Vadilalbhai had a great affection for me. I told him that I wanted to go to Bombay with him and asked him whether he would take me there with him. He said it would be his pleasure to do so.

After getting things arranged for going to Bombay, I had to obtain permission to do so from my parents. I was. the youngest of four brothers and they all had a great affection for me. Since I was the pet child, everyone wanted to keep me happy. This is why I got the permission to go to Bombay. I did reach Bombay, but my main interest lay in going to Pondicherry. So I immediately wrote to my brother Kantilal about my wish to go to Pondicherry. I got the permission and arrived at Pondicherry on 8 November 1927.

During those days the Mother used to call a few sadhaks to the Prosperity room for meditation. After the meditation was over she passed through Champaklal's room on the way to her room upstairs. So I had a Darshan of the Mother on the very day of my arrival in Champaklal's room. I saw in her the form of the Divine Mother. I was greatly delighted.

During those days the Mother, Champaklal and about three or four sadhaks used to stroll on the terrace during the early morning hours. After moving about a bit, Haradhan used to blow his conch as a signal to the sadhaks living in the houses around that the Mother had come downstairs and it was meditation time. In the beginning I

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had no permission to participate in the meditation session. So, after offering my pranams to the Mother, having her Darshan and receiving a flower from her, I used to return to my room. After a few days Champaklal told me that Sri Aurobindo would give his Darshan for the first time on the 24th of November and the Mother had given her permission for me to stay till then.

At that time there were about thirty to thirty-five sadhaks in the Ashram. All the names were listed and each one had to go for Darshan in his turn. Everyone was told not to take more than five minutes for the Darshan. A copy of the list of the sadhaks was kept with Sri Aurobindo, so that he knew who would come in what order for the Darshan.

Some days after the Darshan, Champaklal told me that I had to go back home. I broke into tears at this news. Champaklal told the Mother about this. Hearing about my crying the Mother gave her permission for me to stay on and also to work with Champaklal in the mornings and with Kantibhai in the arden in the evenings.

I was very delighted at the good fortune of getting permission to stay and having been allotted work. But my human nature raised its head after a few months! I did like the work in the garden, but questions arose in my mind: "Even after coming to the Ashram, only this work of watering the trees in the garden has been given to me! Would it not be better to render some personal service to the Mother? It would be the fulfilment of my dreams if I could do some personal work for the Mother." Somehow, either as a result of my aspiration or the Grace of the

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Mother, there arose a vacancy. Haradhan,* who was working in Mother's room and her bathroom, went back to Bengal. Through the Grace of the Mother Kantibhai got to work in the bathroom and I was given work in the Mother's room. Thus the Mother fulfilled my wish.

There are many other incidents of the Mother fulfilling my wishes. Do you want to know how some of my wishes were fulfilled by the Mother? I will give a few instances. I wanted very much to offer flowers to the Mother. How did this come to be arranged? I used to stand in Champaklal's room when the Mother returned from the Prosperity to her room via his room. Well, one day I was standing there and when she passed through the room I started offering flowers to the Mother. She accepted them with great love and the practice continued from that day.

Again, I had a great desire to work for Sri Aurobindo. The Mother used to distribute soup to all the sadhaks in the evening. Sri Aurobindo also took soup in his room. This soup was being prepared by Champaklal, but the work of cleaning and cutting the vegetables for making the soup for Sri Aurobindo was given to me. I may mention that the vegetables cooked for Sri Aurobindo and the sadhaks were purchased from Madras. Cabbage, leek, celery and carrots were being received in a parcel from Madras. A bill also came along with the parcel. I used to check the bill.

* Haradhan Bakshi from Chandemagore (Bengal) first came to Pondicherry for a short visit in 1916. He was a soldier in the First World War (1914-1918). He settled in the Ashram on 30 December 1930. (See Mother India, 1996, "Haradhan-da", pp. 55-59.)

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Now there was a shop here where the shopkeeper used get all his vegetables from Bangalore. I found that the cabbages from Bangalore were cheaper than the cabbages from Madras. I told this to the Mother. Afterwards, under her instructions I used to go to the local bazaar every week and purchase all the vegetables needed. The vegetables were shown to the Mother, who examined them with great interest. The payment was done by Dyuman.

I was very fond of taking a long walk every day. I used to go for a walk every evening. Even while walking I continuously remembered the Mother. I considered this a part of my sadhana. Once when I was just starting for a walk, the Mother's car came from behind. The Mother saw me, and had the car stopped. I offered my Pranams to her. She asked me where I was going. "For a walk," I replied, and told her where. The Mother told Champaklal that I was going rather a very long distance for a walk. I then offered some flowers to the Mother. Seeing the flowers the Mother asked me "Do you want all this?" I nodded in assent. The Mother told me "I will give you all this but not the flowers." I understood with my modest intelligence that the Mother would give me all that was signified by the flowers but not the flowers themselves. I was greatly delighted.

In those days unlike now, the Ashram was under financial stringency. There were some difficulties on that account. I wondered how I could be of help to the Ashram in this matter. During those days all the sadhaks had alarm clocks. When anything went wrong with them, they were sent to the bazaar for repair. I felt that if I learned watch

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repairing, I could be useful to the Ashram. I told this to the Mother. She then spoke to Amrita who arranged for me to learn watch-repairing from a watch repairer in the bazaar. After that, all the watch repairs in the Ashram were done by me. The Mother got repairing tools from France for my use. Now, of course, this work is being done by other sadhaks.

As mentioned, after Haradhan left for Bengal, I was given work in the Mother's room. I was doing the work with great joy. A few days after starting to work, a significant event took place. As you know, biscuit boxes are wrapped in special paper to prevent moisture from creeping in and also to give the box a good appearance. One day, such a piece of wrapping paper was lying on the Mother's table. The paper had not been folded, but simply kept there after removing it from the box. While cleaning the room, I thought, "What is the use of keeping such paper? The Mother has many other better papers." So I threw the paper into the wastepaper basket. In those days the Mother used to see some sadhaks in the mornings, in the Darshan Room. When she returned from the Darshan Room and asked me about that piece of paper, I told her that I had thrown it into the wastepaper basket. Hearing this the Mother got displeased, almost like Kali. She told me, "If it has to be thrown away, I know where to throw it and when to throw it away." I felt very sad, and even started crying. But that is how I learnt that however useless a thing might seem, it should not be thrown away. There is always a use for it somewhere.

While I was working for the Mother in her room, a lady

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named Datta,* who had come with the Mother from Europe, was working in her dressing room. Once Datta fell sick, so the Mother entrusted her work to me. I was very happy and started doing the work with enthusiasm.

There is a kind of bottle in which the base is not attached to the cover. I had never seen such a bottle. Once I picked up one of these bottles and the cover remained in my hand while the big bottle fell down and broke into pieces. The bottle contained perfume imported from France, which spilled all over the place. The whole room was filled with the scent of the perfume. The Mother was giving Darshan to the sadhaks in the adjacent room. I was afraid that if the Mother would get annoyed like the wrathful Kali for throwing away a piece of paper, what would happen to me now? I got very depressed, took out my handkerchief and wiped away the traces of the scent as far as I could. But the scent must have reached the Mother, and soon she came. She asked me, "What happened?" I told her quite candidly. She replied, "Doesn't matter — nothing to worry about; sometimes these things happen while working." The Mother gave me a beautiful Maha-laxmi smile and left the place. She didn't simply go away, but sent a message through Champaklal saying, "Tell Bansidhar not to worry. At times such things can happen

* Datta (Entirely self-given), is the name given by Sri Aurobindo to Dorothy Hodgson, an Englishwoman. Even in Europe she was a companion to the Mother and travelled with her to several countries including Japan. The Mother once remarked, "The very sight of this lady was indeed a pleasure; she seemed to us a pure white flower consecrated to the Divine."

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in the course of the work." What a Grace! She had already told me not to worry and then she conveyed the same message through Champaklal. My devotion for the Mother increased tremendously and I got a firm belief in her being the Divine Mother.

In those days no question arose about how many hours' work one was doing. Only one aim — to do as much work as possible. The whole day passed doing something or the other. Not only me but all the sadhaks were interested in doing as much work as we could for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. One did not know how the day passed. While doing the work, numerous occasions arose for meeting the Mother. In the early morning the Mother herself served us breakfast, so even at that time we had her Darshan. Then I had Darshan when I went to her room for work. Then at about four in the afternoon when the Mother went for a drive in her car, we had her Darshan. When she returned from her drive, there was yet another occasion for her Darshan. But I couldn't be present then, because the time of her return varied and I had to go for work in the garden. Of course, the garden was very near. It was situated at the Atelier where the cars are kept and repaired at present. The first to work in that garden was Champaklal. At that time the garden had great importance because the sadhaks who went for Darshan of the Mother took flowers from there. Also the Mother used to distribute flowers to the sadhaks after the meditation. She had given significances to the various flowers; so the sadhaks were interested in receiving them. Every Sadhak usually got a particular flower, but sometimes she gave the same kind of flower to all. To

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me she gave the flower named "Disinterested work" almost every time.

By the Mother's Grace and Champaklal's help I had the opportunity of doing another satisfying work. I was given the work of cleaning the dishes used by the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. Sri Aurobindo used to take tea at night and I would collect the dishes sometime in the morning. Motiben prepared pancakes (malpuwa) for Sri Aurobindo for taking with his tea. The dishes sent by Motiben included the bowl in which he used to keep a portion of the pancakes for us as Prasad. Motiben cut the pancakes into small pieces so we could all receive a small share of the Prasad.

I may say something more about the Prasad. In those days Sri Aurobindo's younger brother Barin-da* used to cook for him. After Sri Aurobindo had his lunch, the leftovers were brought downstairs. From them Barin-da used to take a portion and the rest was sent to Haradhan as Prasad. Haradhan used to stay in the room where Madhav Pandit's books are displayed at present. Haradhan would distribute what he received as Prasad to a few sadhaks who would gather in his room to receive it. One Bengali sadhak used to send cooked food for Sri Aurobindo. Sometimes my brother Kantibhai and I would also lend our hand in preparing it. Dara** has taken photographs of that

* Barindra Kumar Ghose, Sri Aurobindo's younger brother. Sentenced to imprisonment in the Alipore Bomb Case in 1908, he was released from the Andamans in 1920. He came to stay in Pondicherry in 1923 and remained until 25 December 1929.

** Dara is the name given by Sri Aurobindo to Aga Syed Ibrahim from Hyderabad. From a well-to-do Arab Muslim family, he joined the Ashram in 1927.

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occassion. He gave me some. He was fond of photography and cooking. When it pleased him, Dara also did some cooking himself. He always prepared something new. Those days were feast days for the sadhaks of the Ashram. He was always very generous and jolly. He was a permanent sadhak of the Ashram.

My brother Champaklal had great love for me. I have been deeply benefited by his good feelings towards me. He used to prepare orange juice for Sri Aurobindo and on many occasions he let me carry that juice to Sri Aurobindo. I cherish those invaluable moments of my life. Champaklal used to prepare tea for Sri Aurobindo and took it himself to the Mother, who then gave it to Sri Aurobindo. After some time this privilege was given to me. I had to prepare the tea by 8.00 in the evening. When I opened the door of the passage, the Mother used to come there and take the tea pot from me. Sri Aurobindo added sugar and milk before drinking it. At night he used to write replies to the letters sent by sadhaks and then he took his tea. I believe the tea used at that time was Chinese because it came in Chinese boxes; later on it was the turn of the Indian tea. In the morning I would bring back the tea-pot with the dishes to be used for breakfast.

It was Nolini-da who often returned the letters of the sadhaks with Sri Aurobindo's replies. But there was an exception. Dyuman used to send his notebook to Sri Aurobindo regularly in the evening. After Sri Aurobindo had seen and recorded his remarks, this note-book would be kept on the breakfast tray, and I took it back to Dyuman.

Hutaben used to write letters to the Mother and most

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of the replies were sent back through Champaklal. Later on, after consulting the Mother the replies were given to me for handing over to Hutaben, which I did. In this way, when replies were written by the Mother, the letters were given to me for handing over to the concerned persons. When I went to the sadhaks with the divine letters, they sometimes insisted on my taking refreshments which I politely but firmly declined. Champaklal told the Mother about this and the Mother was glad to take note of it. Perhaps this is why the work remained with me for a long time.

I have already said earlier that I was fond of going for a walk. Once when I went for a walk it started raining. I should have returned, but I did not. Due to the cold at night and the rain, I caught fever. Champaklal informed the Mother. She said, "Those who are working here for the Divine have no right to fall sick." Fortunately I got well in a few days and resumed my work.

I would like to say what a pleasure it was to do the Mother's work during those times. I used to love to play tennis. I would go to play tennis daily. One day Champaklal told me that when the Mother sees sadhaks in the morning, I should sit on the terrace and send the sadhaks to the Mother in the order of the list he gave me each day. In spite of my interest in tennis I gave it up with pleasure and, so long as the Mother continued the routine of seeing the sadhaks in this way, I sat each morning on the terrace and sent the sadhaks to her.

I have mentioned that Champaklal had great affection for me and I have been greatly benefited as a result.

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Whenever Champaklal had any work for Sri Aurobindo or the Mother, he would entrust it to me rather than to someone else. Champaklal used to carry hot water for Sri Aurobindo's bath. After Sri Aurobindo's accident, Champaklal entrusted that work to me. I had to carry two big buckets of water upstairs from the boiler room. I wonder now sometimes, how I could carry two big buckets and climb all those steps. I guess it was because I had great enthusiasm for the work. It gave me the opportunity of having Darshan of Sri Aurobindo when I reached his room with the buckets. Sri Aurobindo used to give me a smile then and also when I returned for the buckets. At that time Sri Aurobindo was engrossed in writing Savitri and still he would spare a moment to smile at me. This gave me immense joy.

Did I have the opportunity to listen to Sri Aurobindo's voice? Yes, many times. Champaklal used to wind the clock in his room before I had learned watch-repairing work. But after I learned watch-repairing that work was entrusted to me. The clock stood at some distance from where Sri Aurobindo used to sit and he couldn't see the dial clearly during later years. So very often he would ask me the exact time. There was a radio installed in Pavitra's room during the War so that Sri Aurobindo could listen to it. Sometimes he would ask me to switch it on for him.

The photographs of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother that we see these days were the result of Champaklal's efforts. Somehow or other he succeeded in getting permission from the Mother. He also got permission to make copies of the photographs. The Mother refused to give her permission

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to make copies of her photographs. At first Champaklal got her permission to make copies on the condition that the photographer should do no retouching work on them. Champaklal told the Mother that the photographer would prepare two copies of each of the photographs, one without retouching and the other with it. The Mother agreed. I had two copies made by the photographer Latour, a devotee of the Mother, who lived in the town. Latour worked a great deal on Sri Aurobindo's photograph, carefully retouching one copy but not the other. Champaklal showed both copies to the Mother. The Mother looked closely at the retouched photo and observed, "I am seeing such work done in India for the first time." The Mother appreciated that photograph very much and permitted copies of it to be made. After that all the photographs were prepared. In those days I used to have prints made and would sell them to the devotees. I charged two rupees for cabinet-size photographs, from which I paid one rupee to the photographer and one to the Mother. But first the Mother took these photographs to Sri Aurobindo for his signature and then returned them to me. Sometimes I received the signed photographs back directly from his hands. Later I also had smaller locket photographs made. I got the lockets made and gave the profit on their sale to the Mother. You might say that the Mother didn't receive much that way. But in those days every pice (one-sixty fourth of a rupee) was valuable for the Ashram. For example, the water which I used to spray in the garden was partially drawn up from the well by hand so that our water expenses might be reduced. In those days our service was

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Sri Aurobindo (Touched-up photograph)

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a source of great joy. We took no notice of the time while working.

After his food Sri Aurobindo was given a cold drink and sometimes ice-cream. The Mother used to be present at that time whenever she could. But sometimes she was late due to her other responsibilities. Then after Sri Aurobindo's dinner, the opportunity to give cold drink came to me. I would sit near the door till his dinner was over and then bring a cold drink from the nearby frigidaire. Sometimes when the Mother came very late, Sri Aurobindo would tell Champaklal to convey to the sadhaks downstairs that the day's meditation was cancelled because the Mother would not be there. She used to give this meditation after Sri Aurobindo's dinner was over. But however long our duty lasted, we took no notice of time. To do work for the Mother was a pleasure. However late it might be, Champaklal, I, and Nirod-da waited in the passage for the Mother's return. And when she returned, she gave us a smile and that exhilarated us.

Bansidhar

Accept the ardent flame of my gratitude and my joyous and fully confident adherence.
- The Mother

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Bansidhar and Photography *

In those days the art of photography had not developed in the Ashram. Mother gave Bansidhar some of her pre-Pondicherry photographs for reprinting. She insisted that while making new negatives the old copies must not be touched up.

Bansidhar entrusted the work to Latour, son of the photographer who had taken Sri Aurobindo's photographs in the early years. He told him: "Make one negative without touching it up and one after touching up the old one. We shall show prints of both of them one after another to the Mother and order the required number of copies of the one Mother chooses."

After seeing the touched-up copy intently and also from several angles, Mother liked it very much and said: "Very good, especially the eyes. He has touched it up a lot, but it is done very skilfully. It is the first time that I see such remarkable work in India." And she took it to Sri Aurobindo who also liked it.

B: "Mother, Latour studied photography in France."

Mother: "Hmm____Beautiful work. Really good. You may order more copies of the touched up one."

B: "Mother, others also would like to have copies."

With Mother's permission, Bansidhar ordered more copies and sold them to those who wanted them. Needless to say, whatever money came from the sale was offered to the Mother.

* Champaklal Speaks, Third edition, p. 118.

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Later Bansidhar wrote a letter to Mother requesting her permission to learn photography. Sri Aurobindo's reply came: "We are not planning to start a photography studio in the Ashram. It is not necessary to learn." Yet today we not only have studios but the art too has been highly developed. However, since Mother's time I have been getting all my photography work done by Latour.

I relate this episode also to Illustrate the fact that it does not make sense to say that Sri Aurobindo said this or that, just in order to fulfil one's desire or belief.

O Love, divine Love, spread abroad in the world,

regenerate life, enlighten the intelligence, break

the barriers of egoism, scatter the obstacles of

ignorance, shine resplendent as sovereign Master

of the earth.

The Mother

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Our Bansimama

Bansidhar-ji — Bansimama as I have always known him since my childhood — was a close friend and well-wisher of Vaidya Kesarimalji, my grandmother's brother who was a disciple of Punamchandbhai, one of the early disciples of Sri Aurobindo. My grandmother asked Punamchandbhai, way back in the 1920s, to take her only son, my father, to Sri Aurobindo Ashram. That, I have learned, was how our family was introduced to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. And this is how both Kesarimalji and Bansidharji had always been our mamas, maternal uncles, to us five children.

When our mother fell seriously ill and had to go to Calcutta for a long treatment, the Mother asked Bansimama to become our guardian. I have always found him a very loving person. He used to buy lots of mangoes for us in the season, and, on our birthdays, bought us rings with the Mother's symbol and also books of Sri Aurobindo or the Mother signed by the Mother and given by Her to us when we went up to Her. Bansimama would always be there working in silent obedience behind Champakmama. I bow down with gratitude to both of them for this privilege bestowed upon us.

Bansimama stood by us in all our difficult periods and gave the best advice possible in such circumstances, that is, to pray to the Divine Mother. He also taught us many Sanskrit shlokas, talked to us about Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and encouraged us to meditate regularly.

I would to recall an incident of 1989 concerning my

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factory at Ariyankuppam. The place was infested with snakes and practically every afternoon staff girls would suddenly start screaming and running around because a snake was seen in some corner or the other. Now, Bansimama used to visit the factory whenever he could find time, in order to encourage me and give me strength to face the adversities that had then heaped on my head. I requested him to inform Champakmama about this problem and invoke the Mother's blessings and protection. Champakmama then called me and wanted to know everything in detail. After hearing all I had to say, he meditated for some time and wrote on a piece of paper, "Henceforth none of this will happen." Along with that he gave me a blessings packet. From that day, to our happy surprise, we never saw any snake in the premises! It was only when I was vacating the building after the closure of the factory, that a cobra came in the garden, stopped at the main entrance, and coiled itself in its well-known way, its hood held high. But after some time it quietly slipped away. I have often wondered what Champakmama had done....

Champakmama had also come and visited my sister Chetana in Bombay, a few weeks before she passed away there in 1984. She was suffering from brain cancer and had been pleading with our father to bring her back to Pondicherry. It was in that circumstance that Champakmama had turned up. His presence, his touch, brought to her the Mother's blessings and peace and smoothened her passage to the other world.

Yes, both Champakmama and Bansimama were ex-

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tremely helpful. Would we ever have such loving elders again? I pay my respects to them for paving a path for us with their selfless love, devotion and faith.

ASHA KOTHARI

To live in love, by love, for love, indissolubly united

to Thy highest manifestation....

Always more light, more beauty, more truth!

- The Mother

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FLAME OF LOVE

This book comprises of reminiscences of Motiba (Champaklal's aunt) and Bansidhar (Champaklal's younger brother). They came to Sri Aurobindo Ashram in its early days when the Ashram had few inmates — sixty to seventy. Those were days of intense sadhana, for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother were bringing down the Supreme Truth, Light, Harmony, Peace and Love into the earth-consciousness. Given the privilege of living in close proximity with them, the Divine in human form, the sadhaks and sadhikas were single-mindedly concentrated on their sadhana. They were silent servitors and one in their aim to surrender to the Lord Sri Aurobindo and the Mother with full faith. With a burning flame of love in their heart they came — to serve, to love, to realise the Divine.

(From the Preface)

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