A Talk : 'My closest friend'

My closest Friend

-Loretta

I was never interested in the usual daily life. From the age of five I only wanted to be an artist and create beauty. I received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Sculpture and I was working on a Master of Fine Arts Degree in ceramics when Indian yogis started teaching in America. I became interested in meditation, so on January 11, 1969, I went to India for a six week vacation.

The India I came to was very deeply peaceful and spiritual. I met people who were deep and wise. I had never met people like this before. I loved everything about India, especially the idea of personal progress, called sadhana in yoga. I forgot about America. Instead of going back, I went to the Himalayas to do sadhana in different ashrams. I learned to speak Hindi and I put on the white saree of a spiritual seeker. I was given the name "Sadhana".

After three years I thought I had better return to America. But I had never done any travelling, only sadhana, so first I planned to travel down to Kanya Kumari at the Southernmost tip of India, and then go to Bombay and fly home.

On my way South I had an experience of the immortality of my physical body. I had the realization that my body didn't have to deteriorate and die. Death was not inevitable. It made me very happy. It seemed so simple and I wondered why I never thought of it before. I went around telling everybody, "Listen, you don't have to die. Your body doesn't have to fall apart. Isn't that wonderful?" Someone told me, "There is a lady called "The Mother" in the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry who is doing this work."

I was staying in an ashram with a good library, and I found Mother's book, "Words of Long Ago". .After three years of sadhana

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I had many spiritual questions and Mother answered all of them in Her book. I wanted to go and see Her, to tell Her about my experience of immortality and to learn more from Her. I could see Her in my imagination. She was beautiful, graceful and loving in a long white gown. I was sitting at Her feet, telling Her everything in my heart.

I wrote Mother a postcard, telling Her all about myself and that I was coming to see Her. I planned to follow my postcard to Mother by continuing down to the tip of India and then going up to Pondicherry. On the way I came down with hepatitis and by the time I arrived at the Vivekananda Puram at the Southernmost tip of India, I was too sick and weak to go further. All I could do was lie in bed. An American girl named Christy came through, looking for a friend. She said she was going to Pondicherry on the train.

I couldn't think about how to take a train but I asked her to take me along because I was going to see Mother. The two days on the train are lost out of my life. All I can remember is arriving at the Ashram gate in a rickshaw pulled by a coolie.

It was 22 February, 1972 and the Ashram was in the midst of the Sri Aurobindo Centenary celebrations. Mother had come out on Her terrace to give Darshan on the 21st. People said that She would give Darshan again on 29 February. The Ashram and the streets were crowded with thousands of people.

We went to the Ashram Reception Room to ask for a place to stay. At that time, the Ashram Reception was divided into two parts by a partition. I was too weak to stand up, so I lay down on the floor. On the other side of the partition I could hear Christy telling someone that I was sick and we needed a room. I heard him say that there wasn't any possibility of getting a room because of the Centenary celebrations and terrible overcrowding.

Christy brought the man around the partition to see me. Suddenly, I stood up and in a most formal and polite manner I explained our difficulty and asked for a room. Miraculously he gave us a room. It was in the Auroville Guest House which was an old Tamil house with walls over 18 inches thick. Our tiny

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windowless room was only large enough for two small beds. I lay on my bed, unable to do anything. I was a weak empty shell without a personality. Christy went into the bazaar and brought me fruits and curd to eat.

One day I took a rickshaw to the Ashram and sat at the Samadhi. As I leaned against the marble wall of the Samadhi I felt something come into my body from deep inside. I knew it came from Sri Aurobindo and that He had healed me of the hepatitis. From that moment I gained joy, strength and health. One by one I could see the parts of my personality comeback. I started visiting various places in the Ashram. It was full of white light. I breathed nectar in the streets. Beauty was everywhere. I hardly noticed the great crowds of people. I felt completely at home.

I heard about Auroville and that Americans were living there. I wanted to see them after living in the jungle for 3 years. I didn't know anything about Auroville. I got on the Auroville bus and I got off at the Matrimandir in the center of Auroville and walked around to look for Americans.

In February, 1972, the Matrimandir was just a huge hole in the ground with steps carved into the red earth on all sides going down to the bottom of the excavation. Tamil workmen wearing only loincloths and turbans were coming up the steps carrying earth in wide shallow containers on their head. The people I met were concentrating on their work and did not want to stop and talk. There was nothing else to see except a small Banyan tree and the Matrimandir Worker's Camp, which was made of a rectangular woven palm leaf panels laid on tall thin poles which were tied together at the top to form high triangles. Viewed from the window of the bus, Auroville was a vast, empty desert. I couldn't see a blade of green grass. The earth was very red and the sky was very blue and very big. There was nothing else to see.

I returned to Pondicherry to wait for February 29, when Mother would give Her next Darshan. Because of the hepatitis I forgot about my experience of immortality and why I had come. I forgot about the postcard I wrote to Mother. I was in a hurry to go across

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India to Bombay and fly to America and I planned to leave right after Mother's Darshan.

The news came that Mother was too ill to give Darshan. Instead, there would be a special meditation in the Ashram Playground. During the meditation they played Mother's organ music. Then there was a great silence. As I sat in the silence I saw a wide flame on top of my head. I thought, "What shall I do with this?" Then it occurred to me that because I was in Mother's Ashram, out of respect, I should place Mother in the flame so that I would be at Her Feet. As soon as I did that, the flame vanished into my head, and suddenly everything was much clearer than before, as though my consciousness had greatly increased.

After that I wanted to see Mother very much but, because I was leaving for America, I wanted to see Her as soon as possible. I was told to go and ask for pass from Madhav Pandit, one of Mother's secretaries. I sat down at his desk and said that I wanted to see Mother. We had never met, I was one of thousands of visitors and I had not spent much time in the Samadhi during the week I had been there. I didn't mention my name. He said, "We have your postcard." How he knew who I was, I will never know. Then he told me it would take a long time before I could see Mother, because there were many people and Mother was very occupied. I said, "Then I will have to forego having Mother's Darshan because I am leaving for America the day after tomorrow," and I got up and walked out of his office.

The next day when I came into the Samadhi someone I had never seen before came up to me and said, "Madhav Pandit has got you Darshan with the Mother for the day after tomorrow. Go to see him and get your pass." How this man knew who I was, I will also never know.

Instead of preparing to leave, I got my pass and prepared for Mother's Darshan. I made a painting of my experience in the Playground to give to Her. I started to dream again that I was sitting at Her feet and opening my heart to Her.

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On the appointed morning I joined the line of people going up to Mother's room on the second floor and waited my turn, sitting on the terrace outside Mother's room. When my name was called I went in. It was not at all as I had dreamed it would be. I wasn't going to be alone, sitting at the feet of the gracious, beautiful, loving person I had dreamed of. The room was full of people and, once again, I had joined a line. At first all I saw was Mother sitting on a chair in the centre of the room: She was very small and She appeared elderly and frail, and Her head, which I saw in complete profile, was bent very far forward. In an instant, all of my cherished dreams were dashed to pieces. It was a powerful physical shock. Suddenly I couldn't understand where I was or what I was supposed to do. Looking back, I know that I was overpowered by the tremendous consciousness and force in Mother's room.

Desperately I tried to collect myself. With great effort I focused on the people in front of me, so I could copy their behavior. Each person knelt down in front of Mother and looked up into her eyes very intently. They seemed to want to look into Mother's eyes as much as they could. Then they put their head on Mother's lap.

When my turn came, I knelt down in front of Mother and looked up into Her face. My earlier impression of age and frailty disappeared. Mother was the youngest person I ever saw. She was shining as though there was a light inside Her, coming through Her. Her skin was as white and smooth as a baby's. She looked extremely alive. Her eyes were blue and very alive. There was an atmosphere of clarity and consciousness around Her. I gave Her the painting of my experience in the Playground meditation. She asked, "For me?", and I said, "yes." We said other things inside. Her voice was lovely, light and musical. Somehow She knew I spoke English. The attendants kept telling me to put my head on Mother's lap so I did and She blessed me with a strong touch on my head which I feel even today.

For the first time in my life, I was home. I was going to stay here forever. Everything that I ever wanted was right here. I would not get up no matter what anybody said. In fact, I was never

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going to move again. Then, without my knowing it, some force pulled me back and up off my knees and out of Mother's room. I was not conscious of what I was doing or of moving on my own energy until I was halfway down the lower flight of stairs, near the Meditation Hall.

As I walked through the Samadhi, and out of the Ashram main building, I felt free, completely free, like a flying bird. It was a wonderful feeling. I told myself that I was now free to return to America. I could feel that Mother had taken away whatever it was inside me that had bound me like some kind of glue to my old ways and habits.

The next afternoon, I found myself living at the centre of Auroville in the Matrimandir Worker's Camp. I could never remember how it happened. Rooms were scarce, and people had trouble finding any place to live, but after a short while, that room was given to me permanently. I walked around thinking of Mother all the time. Everything that was America faded away for the second time and I didn't remember anything about my life before I came to India.

The second night I was there, at about 2:00 a.m., I was lying in bed and I became aware that someone was speaking to me. A beautiful, graceful, loving woman in a long, white gown was leaning over me and asking me, "Are you doing all right? Is your room all right? Are you happy? Are you comfortable? Do you have everything you need?" I knew it was Mother. Thirty five years later I learned that Mother told people in the Ashram that she was so busy during the day that She had to go out to see people at 2:00 a.m. Following Her usual schedule that night she had come to see me in my room at the Matrimandir Worker's Camp.

I could feel Mother's interest in me and Her love and care. I never felt so much love or saw such beauty. I had never experienced anything even close to this before. I was so touched by someone who loved me more than anyone else had ever loved me. Then and there I gave myself to Mother and accepted Her as my Guru.

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I spent my first days in the Camp looking around. Among other things I saw that the Matrimandir Worker's Camp kitchen needed organization. Through my mind went a single thought: "Maybe I should do something to fix this kitchen." I don't know why I had that thought. I liked giving people food, but I never learned to cook. I had always avoided kitchen work. I wanted to be an artist.

I wrote to Mother to ask for permission to live in Auroville. I didn't ask for work. Mother sent back a message: "If you want to be an Aurovilian, first you have to fix the kitchen at the Matrimandir." I wasn't surprised that She had heard my single thought about fixing the kitchen. With nothing but my faith and my ego and Her help I started to "fix" the Matrimandir Worker's Camp kitchen. The most important thing for me was Mother. My life was an endless conversation with Her.

There may have been about a hundred and fifty people living in Auroville at that time. Our kitchen fed about fifty people who worked on the Matrimandir, in the Matrimandir Nursery and at the Camp. We came from many countries. The requirement to join Auroville was that you had to want to "work for human unity". It seemed like a simple idea but living close together we had to get along in difficult and primitive living and working conditions. We didn't care about that, but there was no choice except to try to work for human unity with people from other countries we didn't know. It seemed that the simple words "human unity" encompassed every part of Sri Aurobindo's yoga.

The atmosphere of Auroville was full of vibrating promises. I never thought about what it meant to build a real city, but I could feel beautiful atmospheres rising out of the earth and vibrating in the air in different colors. They are still here. From time to time in quiet moments I experience them. I believe this is what Mother and Sri Aurobindo were doing to create Auroville, not the Auroville that is buildings and roads and water systems, but the Auroville that is the many and varied pathways of human evolution and future development.

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Looking back, I can see that the Matrimandir was already here, complete in its entirety, even though it just looked like a hole in the ground. I experienced its presence then just as I experience it today, forty-two years later, only now I can sit in the inner chamber.

The bottom of the excavation was my special place. In the early days I loved to sit there for long periods of time. I was sitting there one very early evening in the first week of June, 1972, when I heard a high, beautiful voice singing celestial sounding music. The singing filled the excavation but I couldn't see anyone. After listening for some time I heard words in my mind, "Who is this person singing?" Then I saw someone swooping and flying around in the air, high above the pillars. It was a slender, supple, very active woman in a long white gown. She had white skin and green eyes and long red hair, like Mother. Her gown and hair floated and billowed in the wind as she soared above me. She looked like She was having a wonderful time. The air was filled with joy as I watched her flying up and down in the Matrimandir construction, looping in and out between the pillars, singing and soaring around in the excavation. It never occurred to me to think about whether I had a vision or if I actually saw Her. Sitting there, a poem came to me.

Mother makes music in the Matrimandir,

Delicate, soaring celestial sounds;

Red hair, white skin, green eyed being

Transforming us by entering us.

Was there any choice? I do not know.

Lo! I have offered up my being.

Years later I saw Huta's painting, named by Mother "The Spirit of Auroville". It is a picture of the woman I saw flying in the Matrimandir excavation. The only difference is that Huta's painting looks slightly blurred, not in sharp focus the way I saw her that day.

The kitchen work was very hard for me. I had never managed anything before. Food supplies were sparse and scarce and

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everything was much harder to do than it would have been in the West. Without Mother's concern and involvement, I couldn't have done it. When I had been there for less than four months I wanted to escape from kitchen work and work full time on the Matrimandir where I thought everybody else was having a lot more fun than I was. I wanted to go back to being an artist. I thought it would be easier to do something I already knew how to do.

By then I had read of Mother's connections with ancient Egypt and I remembered that I had a passionate interest in ancient Egypt during my childhood. I was reading stories, about Mother giving Ashramites work for their inner progress in the yoga. I knew that traditionally a guru gave a disciple work for the disciple's growth. So I wrote to Mother,

"27 August 1972

In April you sent a message that I should fix the Matrimandir Workers' Camp Kitchen. The kitchen now works well.... I feel that centuries ago I worked at decorating pyramids and that I was close to you and served you. I would like to know if you remember this. I am ready again to decorate your temple, if you feel it is best. Wherever you want me to work, I will work.

Your loving child, Loretta"

My note was returned with Mother's dictated reply:

"28 August, 1972

It is now time to work. We are not here to copy the past, but to exceed. Your work is quite satisfactory. I send you my love and blessings." I stayed in the kitchen.

I sent a letter to Mother whenever I had something to write to Her. She always answered my letters. I could feel from Her answers that She took what I said very seriously. I asked Her if I should keep my Indian name and She said no.

About a year after I came, I wrote to Her about some inner experiences that I had and asked Her for training. Shyam Sundar, who took many letters to Mother, only told me that Mother said, "What She says is true." By then I already knew that the training would be received inwardly.

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Decades later I read Her exact response in Shyam Sundar's book, Down Memory Lane. "17.2.73 = For a person asking training on a certain matter, Mother said that she cannot give it mentally, it is to be received inwardly." I still receive this training. It is part of working for Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

I wanted to see Mother all the time but that wasn't possible. She was very busy. I decided that at least I wanted to see Her in between public Darshans as long as I was at a place in my own progress where I would benefit from Her help. She always allowed me to come to Her room when I asked. It was pure heaven to prepare for Her Darshan, to climb the beloved stairs and to sit again in the rarefied air on the terrace outside Her room, waiting to be called.

Each time I entered Her room, I entered again into the clarity of the consciousness around Her. Each time I saw Her incredibly young, fresh and alive. I would kneel at Her feet and She would look deeply into my eyes. My consciousness wasn't developed enough to know what was happening inside me, but seeing Mother was all I ever wanted. Once She smiled at me. I went into bliss. For days all I could say was, "Mother smiled at me!" "She smiled at me!" Someone I said it to replied, "Yes, I know, She smiled at me once." -One day She looked like the most beautiful tiny pale pink rose bud and that soft, tender beauty stayed with me for weeks. One day She gave me a Mantra. Every time I saw Her I was transported into a state of light and joy which lasted for days. I tried to hold on to it as long as I could but eventually it would somehow fade away. Still, looking back, I realized that all the time everyone here was living in a wonderful atmosphere which carried us through our days.

One morning while sitting on Mother's Terrace, I had a vision. I knew it was Mother's universal consciousness. I was peaceful and comfortable and I looked to my left. It seemed as if everything that could possibly exist was on my left side, pouring down in a never-ending stream. I saw landscapes, worlds, people, animals, houses, cities, mountains and more, moving and changing. I could

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sense entire worlds behind the things I saw. It went on pouring down for some time. Instinctively I knew that it was only a very small part of Mother's Consciousness.

Mother gave Darshan from Her second floor terrace four times a year. I always tried to prepare myself to be open to Her. When I stood in the street below, one among thousands of people, no matter how far away I was, I always knew when Mother looked at me. I went into bliss and the feeling stayed with me for days.

Mother left Her body at 7:25 p.m. on 17 November, 1973. I was staying in Golconde Guest House in the Ashram. I couldn't leave my kitchen duties often and I hardly ever stayed overnight anywhere, but by Mother's Grace, I was in the Ashram that night. I slept deeply and woke feeling very rested. I was on my way to breakfast in the Ashram dining room and I had just passed the main Ashram building when someone stopped me and told me that Mother left her body the night before. He said that Her body was downstairs in the meditation room. I didn't believe it. The words had no meaning because I never thought Mother would leave. But as I always wanted to see Mother I decided to go into the meditation room to see what was there.

I turned into the Ashram main gate. The Samadhi area was quiet and peaceful. Everything looked the same as usual. I went quickly to the meditation room. Mother was there, on Her bed... Her body had been placed in a sitting position and Her head was bent down in a manner that made me think of total surrender. The only way I can describe how She looked is to say that She looked completely empty, as if there was nothing left inside Her physical body. I tried to feel something in Her, but I could not feel anything in Her body at all. There was no one in the room only Mother and I.

In Mother's periodic reports in Her Agenda on the work of the transformation of Her physical cells, She speaks about different things She learned on the subject of taking the conscious cells out when the body dies. She never said that She would do any

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particular thing, but, standing there with Her, I was sure that when She left She had taken everything out of Her body.

There was a feeling of fullness in the meditation room and I was aware of Mother's light. The room was very quiet and at the same time it was vibrating with strong energy which continued to increase. I could hear it humming. Miraculously nobody came into the meditation room for what seemed to be an endless amount of time. I stood and looked at Mother, feeling the energy increase. I heard two words: "Eternal Contact". I repeated them to myself, over and over, Eternal Contact, Eternal Contact. Finally, I quickly went for breakfast and returned again to stand as before. I expected to see a lot of people there but the room was still empty. There was only Mother and I. The room was vibrating strongly. The humming was very loud. When people started coming, I went quietly home. I never thought of staying to see Her body be placed in the Samadhi. Mother was no longer in Her body, in Her room, but else nothing changed for me. Mother was still my best and closest friend. I continued working in the kitchen always thinking of Her and talking to Her and receiving Her guidance and help. One day, I found white paper lamp-shades to cover the naked light bulbs hanging in the Worker's Camp dining room. After that I began to feel that there was someone or something up inside the roof. This feeling persisted for weeks. I finally decided it was an angel.

I went to see Madhav Pandit and asked him what it could be. He told me, "When Mother gives someone a work to do She puts an emanation there. If the work is successful, it comes into manifestation. It is the emanation that Mother put for the work She gave you that you sense." I had completed the work that Mother had given me three years before and had "fixed" the kitchen at the Matrimandir.

Soon after that, I left Auroville and went to the Ashram. It was a sudden decision and I left the next day. In fact, it was Mother's Grace. The day after I left marked the first outbreak of the violence which opened a long period of violence and hostility in Auroville.

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It involved almost everyone I knew, but I was virtually untouched. I only heard about it after I returned to Auroville years after all the trouble was over.

Thirty seven years after I first came to Mother, I was sitting in deep meditation and I had the memory of a conversation with Mother when I was still too young to walk or talk. I remembered being unhappy with my life then, and Mother came to see me. She promised me that I had taken birth because of Her and Her work, and She also promised me that I would receive what I came for. It was a very profound confirmation of my relationship with Her and with Sri Aurobindo. Soon after I first came to Mother I realized that life had no meaning for me outside of Mother and Sri Aurobindo and their work. The more I have been able to completely surrender, the more I realize who I am and the more I am with them and working for them and with them, they are so close and so caring all the time. There can be nothing else more wonderful in this life.

As time goes by I realized more and more the living truth of everything They said and everything They did. It is clear to me that They are still here, still working for humanity and the earth. I believe they are with everyone who is sincere about wanting to grow and progress. I see the results all around me and I believe that everything that They said would happen will come to pass. (a talk on 2.11.2011)

(Loretta had her first darshan of the Mother in 1972. Later, leaving Auroville and the Ashram, she went to law school and became a lawyer with Mother and Sri Aurobindo's guidance and help as training for her Auroville work. Loretta lives full time in Auroville where she has researched and presented 16 large photograph exhibitions, published four book compilations and gives lectures all on Mother and Sri Aurobindo and their work. She has made a two hour documentary video on Mother s life and work called, "The Teachings Of Flowers ".)