Letters to my little smile

Introduction

Here are two series of valuable correspondence. The first is between the Mother and Vasudha, one of the earliest members of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. Vasudha came to Pondicherry as a girl of fourteen on 19 February 1928, about two months after my own arrival. She accompanied her brother Chandulal whose correspondence with the Mother forms the second series.

I remember both brother and sister as they were in those baby-years of the Ashram as well as their lives as sadhaks in later times. Both stood happily in the sunshine of the Mother's love — and their work brought a special attention to their souls from that light of lights.

The Mother used to call Vasudha "My Little Smile" and the gracious flow of spiritual feeling towards her is well summed up in what She wrote on 6 January 1963 on Vasudha's birthday:

Bonne Fete !

To Vasudha whose precious help prevents my feet from being hurt by the stones on the way.

With my love and blessings so that her aspiration may be realised this year.

The Mother undertook to teach French to her child. The way She taught her may be indicated. She put questions and Vasudha gave oral replies in English.

The Mother translated these replies into French. In an easy natural manner the new language was instilled in the pupil along with the new consciousness of an aspiring sadhika. This consciousness was chiefly developed through Vasudha's self-dedication to embroidery — just as for Chandulal it was mainly cultivated through his engineering service.

Chandulal was the one and only architect-cum-engineer of the Ashram in those days. A man of small build, he was yet a storehouse of energy. And a burning zeal for the Divine's Will to construct a fairer world kept him at his job unremittingly for most of the twenty four hours. But labour was pleasure for him and he had an alert sense of humour in the midst of all pressing problems.

When he passed away on 5 November 1945, 1 was in Bombay on a long visit. I may quote the letter I wrote to the Mother and her revealing reply to me. My letter ran:

"I was rather depressed on hearing of Chandulal's death after an operation for appendicitis. He was one of your workers with an exceptional ability. How is it that he passed away although under your influence and guidance ?"

And the Mother answered on 11 November:

"...It has been a sad event and a big loss for the work. But for some time he suffered much and felt tired of it. He had several times expressed the wish to change his body for a better one. It is surely this wish that is responsible for what happened."

In introducing the present book I feel happy not only because of my cordial relation with ever-smiling Vasudha and always-aspiring Chandulal, but also because of the glimpses it affords of the intimate relation they had with our unique Mother, so warmly human in the midst of her wonderful divinity.

Amal Kiran

The Mother

( October 11, 1954)

Letters To My Little smile

Portraits of Vasudha by the Mother (1931)

Your portrait when you smile, with your head on my lap.

My dear little smile,

You should not lose patience, nor courage; things will turn out all right. The state in which you were while embroidering "Silence"1 (flowers) cannot return as it was, for in the world things are never exactly reproduced; everything changes and moves forward — but the state of mental peace you have experienced will be nothing in comparison with the one — much deeper and more complete — that you will experience.

You must keep intact your aspiration and your will to conquer all obstacles; you must have an unshakable faith in the Divine grace and in the certainty of Victory.

Sri Aurobindo is working at your transformation, how can one doubt that he will triumph !

with all my love

1931

1. * Passiflora caerulea

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Soon you will begin a new sari on which you will embroider the beautiful red roses of human passion transformed into love for the Divine.

My dear little smile,

I thought you would find it easier to speak than to write. So I shall see you next Thursday and you will tell me all you have to say.

most affectionately

1931

Today Vasudha is mum.

Why?

Look, she is crying ! — like a little baby, without any reason....

I don't scold her though — her brother is witness — but he teases her.

Is it for that that she is crying ?

To be sure she is easily moved to tears.

She is crying because she cannot speak French, but soon she will speak — and then she will smile.

1931

I simply meant to say that you were happy and you

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had confidence the way a child or an animal has confidence.and is happy, without knowing why. Now you have to learn to be happy and to have confidence knowing why, understanding the deep cause of your happiness and your confidence.

1931

My little smile,

That the smile may become truly "eternal", you must learn to speak to me as freely when you are close to

me as when you are in your room.

Also, it would be better not to lose one's temper, and if it does happen, it is better to forget one's anger quickly; and if that is not possible, then you should just tell me what has happened so that I may efface the anger from the consciousness of my "little smile" and give her back the joy and peace that I want her to keep always.

With my most affectionate blessings

1931

To my little eternal smile,

All my compliments for her most beautiful drawing. It is exactly what I wanted.

1931

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I have seen the sari embroidered by my little smile and I find it very fine, completely successful.

...you should not listen to the criticism of people without taste or sufficient education.

lovingly

1931

This plant has the scent of verbena. We have given it the significance: "Conquering Fervour".

Today it is very late. And also the great day of the 15th August is nearing. So I am very busy and cannot keep my sweet little daughter, skilful as a little fairy, longer.

August 1931

Pujalal wrote to the Mother:

It seems Vasudha requires more than two litres of kerosene and she may even require more than three litres per month. Up to what limit can she take ?

I am giving her a third bottle of kerosene today.

Little child,

What is this ? Why so much kerosene ? I hope you are not working at night. You would spoil your eyes and it would be such a great pity !... If it is for some other use it does not matter. I do not care for the kerosene but for your eyes.

December 21, 1931

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My dear maman,

I shall speak to you freely when you next see me. I want to speak to you very frankly like a little child.

Your little smile

Here is a good resolution and I am happy about it. I shall see my sweet little smile on Thursday, April

21st, at 9.30. Until then I am very busy.

With all my love

April 12,1932

Dear maman,

I am sending you this rupee. Now I do not need any pocket money.

I accept the rupee and send to my dear little child, with my blessings, all my congratulations for the way in which she has passed her French test.

lovingly

May 10,1932

My dear little smile,

I have no objection to the design being large and

that there should be flowers strewn on the sari; but for the moment I have not found anything pretty; at least not among "immortality"1 (flowers); while I was searching,

¹ Gomphrena globosa

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I found two very beautiful drawings of chrysanthemums; that also, it seems to me, would make a very beautiful sari. What do you say ?

If you like the idea, you could come tomorrow morning at about 10 o'clock, I shall show them to you.

with my love

July 16, 1932

My little smile,

I don't have the passage you ask for; but I have found another one which you will surely like. I am giving it to you exactly seventeen years after it was written, to the day....

With my blessings and all my affection.

What words will ever tell the splendour of Thy Law and the magnificence of Thy Glory ! What words will express the Perfection of Thy Consciousness and the infinite Bliss of Thy Love !

What words can sing Thy ineffable Peace and celebrate

the Majesty of Thy Silence and the Grandeur of Thy omnipotent Truth !

The whole manifested world cannot speak Thy splendour and recount Thy marvels, and in the eternity of time, it is this which it has been trying to do more and more, better and better, eternally.

Marsillargues, July 31, 1915 ¹

July 31, 1932

1 ^{Prayers and Meditations}

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My little smile,

I am very happy that you have written; I am sure you are feeling much better now. Do not attach too much importance to all these things, they are the imaginations of a child who knows nothing of life, its miseries and its ugliness. For, life is not as it is shown in novels; day-to-day life is full of sufferings great and small, and it is only through identification with the Divine Consciousness that one can attain and keep the true, unalterable happiness. Keep your confidence and your faith, my little smile, and all will be well.

with all my love

August 1,1932

My little smile,

I would like you to take some very hot milk, half a cup with a teaspoonful of honey. I am sending you a pot of honey. Ask Tara to prepare that for you.

You must also, every two hours, gargle with a hot solution of "potassium chlorate" in order to cure your throat. Keep quiet and do not worry, it will soon be over.

I am sending a note to Dayashankar for the gargle.

To my little smile, with all my love.

Good night! Sleep well!

August 12, 1932

Subject given for composition in the French class—

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Develop this thought:

Consecration to the Divine is the secret of the being— a perpetual renewal of force comes from communion with the Infinite.

My dear little smile, It is very simple, you'll see.

1) The Infinite is an inexhaustible store-house of forces. The individual is a battery, a storage battery, which, with use, runs down. Consecration is the connection by which the individual as battery is joined to the infinite - storehouse of forces.

or

2) The Infinite is the river that flows ceaselessly: the individual is the little pond that dries up slowly in the sun. Consecration is the canal that joins the river to the pond and prevents the pond from drying up.

With these two images, I think you will understand.

love

August 28, 1932

The feeling of heaviness comes from "tamas"; imaginative activity was shaking the tamas and was thus ridding you of the heaviness. But that is not the only way to get rid of it. Opening to the Light and Consciousness from above, and allowing them to replace the tamas in the outer consciousness, is a much better and surer way.

November 22,1932

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...my mind is always active, it runs here and there like a madman.

The mind always runs like a madman. The first step is to detach one's consciousness from it and to let it run by itself without running with it. Then it finds it less interesting and after some time becomes quieter.

November 23, 1932

...It is good to observe oneself in order to see one's weaknesses and to be able to correct them.

November 26,1932

...And when you were playing the organ I had a similar feeling, that the others were listening to Mother playing the organ for me and that was making me feel proud. I understood (even at that moment) that it was a wrong feeling and that I did not want such a feeling; but I don't know how I can get rid of it.

Mother, I think if I live all alone, where there is no one, I shall be very happy. I am very bad, I do not know when all these things will go away from me.

Take pity on me.

Your child

You should not exaggerate.... There are certainly movements of vanity — quite childish besides — but these are not the only movements. I am quite sure that while you

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were listening to the music you also had the simple and healthy joy of the music for its own sake, and when you are near me, you have also the simple and sincere joy of a child close to its mother.

Nature is complex and the true and the false, the good and the bad are always mixed together. It is very useful to see one's defects and one's weaknesses clearly, but one should not see only that, for that too would be a lack of balance. One should also know what is good and true in the nature, and give it all one's attention, so that this good and true side may grow and finally absorb all the rest and transform the nature.

December, 1932

When I saw you this morning at Pranam, it seemed to me that you were very serious. I am writing to you all that I think I should tell you, because I have promised to write all my thoughts and .feelings and I don't want to deceive you.

I have nothing good to tell you. I have a treasure of bad, ugly, stupid, vile things of this kind to tell you. If there is something good, it is just that I work for You ( your sari ), this is the only thing 1 can call good.

Today I was sad all day, I could not smile. You will have from me many things of this kind to read. But if you become serious as you were this morning I would prefer to stop writing.

Today I worked seven hours.

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No my child, I was not "serious" and I smiled at you as usual; it was you who had a sad little face and it is probably your own sadness that you saw reflected in my eyes. I know life too well for your confessions to make me "serious". Really, they are not very terrible, your confessions, whatever you may think of them. And when you will have told me all the things that torment you, you will see that they have disappeared and you will feel free and happy.

Keep your smile, little child, it is that which gives

you your strength.

December 7,1932

Mother, I don't know why, but for two or three days

I have been feeling a bit sad.

Mother, sometimes when I am depressed, when I feel that perhaps I will not be able to do yoga, my head imagines: "If Mother tells me that I am incapable of doing Yoga and asks me to go away from here, I have no one to whom I can go and I cannot stay anywhere, I shall remain here even as a servant, but it is impossible for me to live elsewhere."

By thinking all this, I make myself even sadder than before.

My maman, today it seems that my head is not serene

enough for writing anything to you.

Today I worked 9 hours on the sari.

Your naughty little child

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My dear little child,

You should not accept depression, never, and even less these suggestions, so stupid and false, that I could ask you to go away! How can you think of such a thing ? You are here in your own home — are you not my little daughter — and you will always have a place beside me, in my love and protection.

December 9, 1932

Dear maman,

What does "Tu es ici chez toi" mean ? I don't understand this sentence you have written on the last page. Do you mean that I am in my own home ?

I mean that when a child is in the house of his parents, he is chez soi; that is to say, it is his own house. In French "chez soi" corresponds to the English word "home".

December 10, 1932

It is not a terrible thing, the mind always likes to be busy with something; imagining things (even when one knows that these imaginings are not true) is among the most innocent occupations of this agitated mind. Of course, in order to receive the light from above it must one day become calm and quiet; but in the meanwhile, you may surely tell me all this sort of things.

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I find them more amusing than stupid and they interest me. So don't say: I shall not tell Mother this or that, but on the contrary: I shall tell her everything quite frankly.

December 11,1932

My child, I am going to reveal something that you are to try to understand: you are not satisfied not because I do not give you all that you need, but because / give you more, much more than what you are capable of receiving. Open yourself, increase your receptivity by more self-giving and you will see that all discontent will disappear.

December 12, 1932

But nowhere do I see any progress. Even in my work I am not yet regular, how can I hope for your help ?

I don't understand what you say. My help is with you always as complete as it can be; it is up to you to open yourself and receive it. And it is surely not by being rebellious and discontented that you can do it.

And if you mean that I must first write all my thoughts and feelings every day and only then can you help me to get rid of all these things... it would be terrible to write everything. If I were to write everything I would have to stop my work, meals, my sleep, I would not

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even be able to come for the Pranam and even then I would need to have ten hands to be able to write in detail, for naturally the mind goes faster than the hand.

If I had felt a little change or progress, if not in anything else at least in my work—I mean if I had become regular in my work — / would feel a little joy and I could continue writing to you. But there is nothing at the moment to give me courage.

So many times I have resolved to work regularly and so many times I have failed! So I thought if I told you, I would have your help and would become regular in my work, but in vain.

How then can I continue, in this state of depression and discontent, my practice of writing to you ?

But I don't blame you for it, it is I, I don't have a strong will, so how can 1 get rid of it!

Your child who needs a whip-lash at every step

You do not need to have a strong will, just use mine.

Beware, child, do not open the door to depression, discouragement and revolt, that takes you far, far away from the consciousness and makes you sink into depths of darkness where joy cannot enter any more. Your great strength was your smile; because you knew how to smile at life, you knew how to work with courage and steadiness, and in that you were exceptional. But you have followed the example of others, you have learnt from them to be discontented, rebellious, depressed, and now you have let your smile flee, and, with it, your

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faith and confidence in me; and in this condition, even if all the divine forces were to concentrate on you, it would be in vain, you would refuse to receive them.

There is only one remedy, and you must not lose a single moment in accepting it: recover' your smile, regain your faith, become once again the confident child you were, do not vex yourself over your defects and your difficulties, it is your smile that will drive them away.

December 16,1932

Maman,

You are scolding me. Why ?

But it doesn't matter, now let us forget everything.

You have allowed me a lot of time to finish the sari, even a little baby could finish this sari with so much time. You allow me so much time and that is why I'm becoming lazy. My mind too has. time to think of stupid and useless things.

Command me: "I want the sari on the 21st February" (I don't mean you will wear it on the 21st February, I know you will wear Meenakshi's pink sari )....

We are going to split the difference, "cut the pear in two", as they say in France. You suggest the 21st February. I was going to suggest the 15th of August; we shall make it the month of May which falls just midway between the two, and so shall we say you will bring it to me on the anniversary of my return from

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Japan to Pondicherry in 1920.1 I do not remember the exact date now, but I shall look it up. That's all right, isn't it?

You are right, let us wipe out the past, let us not speak about it, let us not think about it any more, let us begin afresh joyously, in all love.

December 17, 1932

Dear maman,

I have often noticed that when I awake from sleep, there is a kind of noise in my head, as if many people were speaking and I can understand nothing of what they are saying. And I feel as if this noise has been going on all night. It is like a bazaar, there is a lot of noise of people all talking at once and one. can under- stand nothing of it.

Your child

In your sleep you are becoming conscious of the noises that the mechanical thoughts of the most material mind make in their own domain.

December 18, 1932

There is an advantage in looking back after some time upon what one has done; with the passage of time, removed from the action, one sees more clearly and

' The Mother arrived on the 24th April.

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one understands better what ought to have been done and what ought not to have been done.

December 20,1932

Mother dear,

If you want these things (imaginations) to remain in me, let them remain, but if you do not want them to,

root them out.

Your child

Once more, do not worry, what must disappear, will disappear; only what is good will remain.

December 25, 1932

Dear maman,

...I think this is the last thing I write to you. I should like to stop writing now, as I am feeling very tired.

I know that you will not like it but I have to say that it is better to put me aside. I am quite hopeless. Again for the last few days I have become irregular in my work. You had said once that to open myself to you is my work, because your help is always with me. But I do not know when I will open myself to you. I am as hard as a stone. If I had known before that these things are so difficult I should have never wished to come here. Mother, I wish you would not tell me that I am rebelling, I do not like to hear that.

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/ do not know, maman, why I have written all these things. Mother, please do not be angry with me, I have nobody except you.

Your child

Why this discouragement ? Everyone has his difficulties; yours are not any more insurmountable than those of the others. You have only to remain confident and cheerful.

December 27, 1932

Dear maman,

"What must disappear, will disappear; only what is good will remain."

You had written this one day in my notebook. But all that I have written to you up to this day has not disappeared. Perhaps they are all good things ! And perhaps this revolt, discontent, discouragement and this bad mood are also good things. Because they have remained in me, they have not disappeared. And the smile and working regularly and having confidence—all that is perhaps bad. Because I see that they have disappeared, at least at present.

And if there is nothing bad in me, why are we taking so much trouble ? It would be better to remain quiet because "what must... will disappear."

Mother, I know that you will not like all this that I have written, but what to do ? I must write to you all this.

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I am not angry because all that you have written means nothing — I pity you, that's all. Did I tell you that it would disappear immediately, instantaneously, especially if you yourself are more inclined to hold on to it rather than reject it?

December 28, 1932

This morning after 9 o'clock Chandulal came to my room. He advised me to reject hostile suggestions, and things like that. He gave me a lecture. He did not say so but I think you asked him to go to my room.

But I must tell you that I don't like people to come and lecture me. Would you not tell me directly what is . necessary ? Am I not here, with you ? Am I so far away ? Why should I then have to listen to others' advice ?

It is your ego and your vanity that are in a state of exasperation and are preventing you from seeing affection where it is present.

/ do not know if you tell him (Chandulal) all that I write to you, but I would prefer that you don't.

Your child

Only Sri Aurobindo knows what you write to me.

You wrote to me once in this notebook ( December 16th ): "It is up to you to open yourself and receive

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it. And it is certainly not by being rebellious and discontented that you will be able to do it."

And you wrote to me once (December 7th) in this notebook: "And when you have told me all the things that torment you, you will see that they have disappeared and you will feel free and happy."

So I tell you that even this revolt and this bad mood torment me.

Of all things these are the worst.

I think I have told you all the things that torment me.

It is not enough to tell, you must will that they disappear.

Mother, today I am sad. I don't know why but I even wept.

Yet it is quite natural; how can one not be sad when one turns one's back on one's soul, and that simply out of pride!

Maman, rid me of this discouragement and this revolt, please. Will you not save me from it ?

With all my will I want to save you but you must allow me to do so. To revolt is to reject the Divine Love and it is only the Divine Love that has the power to save.

December 28, 1932

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Naughty or not, in any case I am yours.

Your child

I don't think you are naughty and I know that you are my child.

December 29, 1932

Dear maman,

It seems to me that my mind (or rather myself) doesn't want to become quiet. Because if I wanted to become quiet I would naturally have tried to make myself quiet, no?

In the psychological domain, only the patients who do not want to recover, do not recover. Perhaps it is the same for physical illnesses.

January, 1933

Dear maman,

What is all this, psychological illness and physical illness ? I understand nothing of it.

Psychological illnesses are illnesses of thought and feeling, like depression, revolt, sadness, etc.... Physical illnesses are those of the body.

January 6, 1932

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Dear maman,

...Maman, yes, I know that you know that now I can hide nothing from you and that it is impossible for me to live without you, and that is why, maman, you like to see me suffering as much as possible, no ?

Your child

I understand absolutely nothing of what you say. You appear to be saying that I like to see you suffer; but it is so absurd that I cannot believe that that is what you mean.

While with all my will I am working at removing the suffering of the world, how could I wish, let alone like, that one of my children suffers.... It would be monstrous.

January 7, 1933

There are thieves in the invisible world as in the outer world. But one must close on them the doors of one's thoughts and feelings as carefully as the prudent man bolts the doors of his house.

These suggestions of sadness, despair and suicide come from them ( the thieves of the vital world ) because it is when one is depressed that they can best rob you. You mustn't listen to them — you must reject the evil suggestions and become once more yourself: that is my "little smile".

January 9,1933

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. Dear maman, ¦ You do not call me "my child" any more ? Am I so bad and unworthy ?

Maman, I think I am doing all I can do, and if I still cannot be good, what to do?

Yes, I know I am not what I was before.

Your child

My not writing "my child" on the little slip I sent you this afternoon was entirely unintentional. I was in a great hurry and I wrote as few words as possible. Of course I miss the time when you were truly the little eternal smile, spontaneously and without effort, when you felt satisfied with your work, happy to be near me, and when you were trusting and simple enough not to put a false interpretation upon all I do. Who has poured this poison of doubt and discontent into your heart ? Who has taken away from you at once your happiness, your simple joy of living and your beautiful smile which was a pleasure to see ? I am asking the question but not in order to get an answer from you, for I think I know it; it is only so that you may understand that I do not hold you responsible for this change that has come upon you from outside. Now there is only one way open, the way of progress; as it is impossible to go backwards, you must go forward; that which was merely instinctive, must now become conscious and willed. And never doubt my affection which is always with you to help you make this indispensable progress.

January 11,1933

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Dear maman,

You told me to write something to you every day. But now that I find nothing, I don't know what to write. As for what I have written: Since you have told me that I must want with all my will, and I must work like before, in order to become happy and good, I have started that.

But when I have nothing to write to you, what can I write ( in order, as you said, to maintain the contact with you ) ?

Maman, you will tell me.

Your humble child

My little smile,

When you have nothing else to tell me, tell me at what time you woke up,... ( like this, for instance: this morning I woke up at such and such time-after having slept for so many hours, I got up, washed and dressed, then I ate my breakfast and I started working at such and such time, etc. etc.). You can tell me all the people you met and to whom you spoke, what you told them, etc. It will be a very good exercise in French and at the same time will create a further intimacy between us.

January 13, 1933

Dear maman,

This morning I woke up at a quarter to six. I washed and dressed, then I went to collect my notebook from Nolini's window (I always go there). Then at about 6.30

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I drank my phoscao, then at a quarter to eight I started work. At 9.30 I went to Datta to bring some work for Tara, then I sat down again to work up to 11.30. Then I ate my lunch and rested for 10 minutes. At twelve I sat down to work—at 12.30 Tara came to work and at about 2 o'clock she made lime juice for us. From twelve to eight I worked. I have finished embroidering the crown.

Your child

Well, if is successful; it is well told, it is written almost faultlessly, and I am happy to know exactly how your day is spent. It will be good to continue like this.

January 14, 1933

I think six hours of sleep is not quite enough; it would be better to sleep seven hours.

January 24,1933

Maman,

I always write to you the same things: sleep, work, talking. Maman, do you like reading the same thing

every day ?

Your child

Why not, my little smile? You can learn to say the same things in different ways; it is an excellent exercise for learning to write and forming one's style. It

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would seem that at the moment you are working on your calligraphy ! Who has taught you to write so beautifully ?

Your loving maman

January 25,1933

I don't understand why people come to see the house. We are negotiating with the proprietor with a view to buying it; it is therefore neither for sale nor for rent. So, my little smile, if these same people or others come again to see the house you must say that the house is neither for sale nor for rent and that you cannot allow anyone to see it.

January 26, 1933

/ hate him....

That's quite a big word. It is said that hatred is the opposite of love; in any case it is a dangerous passion which puts you at the mercy of the person you hate: to hate means you are still attached; the true attitude is one of complete indifference.

January 27, 1933

My dear maman,

Today from 12.30 to 3.30, that is, for three hours

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there was in me a struggle between sleep and work. Sleep wanted to make me irregular in my work, but

the will to work regularly was victorious.

Your child

Bravo ! it is very good. But don't forget that you need to sleep seven hours per day.

February 2,1933

It seems your physical mother has written you a ¦ letter; I am sending it to you herewith. She has asked to come with your sister, but permission has not been I; granted. Chandulal has written her a very amusing letter.

Have a good day, my little child.

February 9, 1933

May this notebook end with an aspiration for a new beginning.

with my blessings

February 12,1933

Today I prayed to you with my body for ten hours. The next time when I see you I shall explain to you how the embroiderers fix the sari on the frame. The

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frame must be as big as the sari. Maman, shall I not have a big frame like that, for embroidering the saris very beautifully ?

If I give you such a big frame, we shall have to build a room so that the frame can fit into it.

February 13, 1933

My dear maman,

I have worked on the sari for 10 hours. I think I shall finish this sari before the 24th April. Tara and Prasanna, both work at my place.

Maman, I have nothing new to tell you.

You are a lovely and skilful worker, my little smile,

and I am proud of you and your work that is so beautiful. I see that you have written without any mistakes.

February 14, 1933

My dear maman,

On February 19th, Chandulal and I came to Pondicherry. Five years have already passed and now the sixth year is beginning.

You wore my two lotus saris after a long time. I am very, very happy to see you in these beautiful saris, maman.

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They are so beautiful that I dare not wear them often lest the washing spoil them. But I love them.

February 20, 1933

Dear maman,

Today I prayed to you with my body for nine hours. I have again become regular in all my work as before. Maman, what else ?

It's good, my little smile, it is on regular work that balance in the being is founded.

February 27, 1933

My dear maman, t Today I have worked for 9 hours on the sari. When I don't work regularly I feel uneasy.

Then your feeling uneasy can't be happening very often, for it is quite rare that you don't work regularly, no ?

February 28, 1933

My dear maman,

Yes, maman, now I am working regularly. Today too I have worked for nine hours on the sari.

Maman, this morning, I was thinking that all those

Page 29

who take pocket-money have the privilege of receiving it from you; I mean, you give it to them with your own hands. And we who do not take it miss this privilege; but this time I received ( we received ) a pencil from my dear maman.

Your child

I gave to some a pencil, to others a box of matches. The pencil signifies the power of expression, the box of matches the power of lighting the inner fire.

March 1,1933

My dear maman,

And pocket-money, what does that signify ?

Your child

Pocket-money is given so that each one may show how he reacts to money and what use he makes of it.

March 2, 1933

Did you notice the date today?

Do you know that this happens only once in 11 years? Eleven years ago, in 1922, in the month of February one could write 2. 2. 22, and in eleven years from now one will be able to write 4. 4. 44 and so on. It is interesting, isn't it ?

March 3, 1933

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My dear maman,

Supramental beauty in the physical — what does it mean ? All these things — these arts — the beautiful work that we do for the Divine—are they expressions of Supramental beauty in the physical ?

Your child

No, all that is only the manifestation of a universal harmony which is, as it were, in the very heart of creation. But Supramental beauty is something much higher and more perfect; it is a beauty that is no longer mixed with any ugliness and which does not need the proximity of ugliness in order to look beautiful.

When the Supramental forces will descend into Matter to manifest, this perfect beauty will express itself most naturally and spontaneously in all forms.

March 6, 1933

It seems you told Sarala that it is a long time since I put on the "Silence" sari. I put it on last August. Generally I wear these beautiful saris only once a year so that they are not washed too often.

March 8, 1933

My dear maman,

No, maman, I am quite sure I did not say it that

way. Yes, I did speak to her of the "Silence" sari. I

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March 9, 1933

Page 32

said Mother loves the "Silence" sari and once Datta had told me, "Mother told me that you have put silence into the sari". That's all I told her about the "Silence" sari.

And Sarala was saying that it had been a long time since you had worn the pink lotus sari since this is the first time she has seen you in it, — it is more than two and a half years.

But all that doesn't matter; it is yours; you can wear it when you like. I am quite satisfied if I see you wear my work even once. I don't say once every year, I say I am quite happy even if you wear it only once.

Today I worked on the sari for 10 hours.

Your child

I am very happy when I wear your saris, but also I want to keep them with as much care as one keeps works of art and that is why I do not wear them very often.

March 9,1933

My dear maman,

This morning I went to Sarala; she advised me to do exercises every morning.

Today I read a magazine for two hours. Today I prayed to you with my body for two hours only.

Your child

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Why?

2 hours of reading and 2 hours of work - that makes only 4 hours. Generally you work 8 or 9 hours. What did you do the rest of the time ? Did you rest ? Did your cold trouble you ?

March 11, 1933

Dear Mother,

Today I prayed to you with my body for 10 hours. Maman, what else? Now I am again absolutely regular in all my work. That is all.

My dear little smile, I am very happy with such good news.

March 16. 1933

You are not telling me anything about your health. I hope you are all right. Have you continued the exercise ? And the results continue to be satisfactory ?

March 21, 1933

My dear maman,

This morning you gave me a flower whose significance is: "Consciousness turned towards the Supramental Light"

² Helianthus

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What does it mean ? I don't understand.

Today I prayed to you with my body for 8 hours.

If you replace "Supramental" with "Divine", does it become more clear for you ?

It means the consciousness which is not filled with

activities and influences of the ordinary life, but which is concentrated in an aspiration towards Divine light,

force, knowledge, joy.

Do you understand now?

March 23,1933

Soon I think I shall have news for you which will surely please you although it does not concern you personally.

March 23,1933

My dear maman,

Today I prayed to you with my body for 10 hours:

5 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the afternoon.

That's all.

Your child

10 hours! That's a lot.

Do you know which sari I am going to wear tomorrow, Sunday? The red-rose sari.

March 25,1933

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Letters To My Little smile

My dear maman,

The frames of our cots have been replaced. This evening Chandulal told me that you. had written to him a note this morning not to forget to fix the frames. I had already forgotten and when Chandulal told me that you had reminded him 1 was surprised.

Your child

It was not necessary for you to remember since I had not forgotten.

November 2, 1933

My dear maman,

This morning at 10.30 I went to the market with P. I bought some gold thread ( for the apron ), needles for the sewing machine and a crochet-needle.

I have started the apron, it will be very beautiful, almost like the embroidery on Banarasi saris.

Your child

How many beautiful things you make! And how you work ! You are tireless.

November 3, 1933

My dear maman,

Maman, you have a lot of work; I don't want to take your time. Next time when I come I shall bring it to you. I can work on the sari in the meanwhile. If

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/ had no other work, I would have brought it to you. I did my gardening; there are little insects on my rose-trees, so I wash them with soap water.

As you like, my little smile; I am very busy, it is true, but I would have managed to give you a few minutes. It is so sweet of you to think of not increasing uselessly my work; there are not many like you.

November 13,1933

My dear maman,

I have worked on the sari and the blouses for 8 hours. Maman, what else ?

Your child

All my love.

The apron is perfect. That opens all kinds of possibilities for the future.

November 15, 1933

My dear maman,

I found some beautiful saris in the "Illustrated Weekly" this time; there are four saris — they are very very beautiful. I am going to embroider all the four for you with the same designs. I shall bring you the photograph of these saris. Nolini gave me this issue of the Weekly.

Your child

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Yes, I too saw them and at once I said to myself that if you saw them, you would be enthusiastic and wish to copy them. The one with birds and butterflies is truly lovely, is it not ?

The Chinese birds also seemed very good though less clear. Bring me this page of the "Illustrated" next time you come; we shall look at it together.

November 16,1933

Maman,

I don't know what to write.

The day after tomorrow I shall see Sri Aurobindo and you.

I am so sorry for having been so late this morning and for not having been able to give you all the time I would have liked.

November 22,1933

Maman,

Today I worked very little.

Your child

So much the better !

A great promise came from above for you yesterday, the promise that you will be delivered from all your difficulties and that your mind will become luminously

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peaceful and your heart quietly satisfied. Did you feel anything ?

November 24,1933

Do not worry, my little smile, the whole thing has come to teach you that on these occasions, after having had the joy of receiving Sri Aurobindo's blessing, it is better to concentrate and keep one's joy within oneself rather than to throw it out by mixing and talking with others. The experiences one talks about evaporate and one loses the benefit they could have brought to us.

November 26, 1933

My dear maman,

Today I worked on the blouse the whole day. That's all. Maman! what else ?

Your child

Poor little Tara has become very sad.... Are you so reserved with her ?

November 27, 1933

Maman,

I am not angry with Tara. I always try to keep silent; so I speak only about important things (with her as well as with others); that is to say, if she asks me

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something I answer her and I show her the work that we must do ( now she is working on the sari with irises ).

Maman, I want, and I try to keep your presence at every moment.

I aspire to you; I always want you, all day, all night.

I want that each one of my cells aspires to Thee and to none other; nothing but Thee.

I want to live always in Thy heart where I can live constantly with Tara and with all those who love Thee.

I have found that it is impossible to meet people and to love them personally (and it is not the true way either).

But there is a place where we can all meet and even live constantly and that is in Thee — in Thy heart.

Maman ! I have not realised that state, but at every stitch that I make (when I work), I aspire to Thee, all day I try to concentrate on Thee — to keep my mind on Thee.

I have noticed that I cannot smile (when I am concentrated or rather when I try to concentrate) at anyone and if I try to smile it seems to me as if I were smiling superficially. Maman,

This morning I wanted to say all this to Tara; but my lips resist, they don't want to smile.

Maman, is it good or bad not to be able to speak like that?

I want to know it because if it is not good I don't want it; I shall talk like before.

Your child

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It is very good to remain silent and concentrated in your aspiration; and I am sure that if you keep in your heart a deep affection for Tara, she will feel it and will no longer be sad. But, of course, if you feel you may explain to her in a kind way what is happening in you, it will be very good.

November 28, 1933

My dear maman,

I have explained it to Tara and she is satisfied. Maman, what else ?

Your child

It's all right, my little smile.

November 28, 1933

Maman, for the last few days I have not been able to concentrate. That concentration stayed with me for only three or four days. And now I cannot concentrate any more — my mind is never quiet, Maman.

Do not lose patience, the happy state is sure to return.

Today I finished a pair of curtains.

Your child

What curtains ? December 5, 1933

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My dear maman,

The grey curtains for the second window of the passage between your room and Pavitra's....

Your child

I saw the curtains this morning. Datta brought them — and then I understood what it was all about. The curtains are very fine. At present when the sun comes in through this window it is so strong that it burns up the curtains that are there. I shall put the new ones up when the sun has changed.

December 6,1933

My dear maman,

Today also I worked all day. Maman, what else ?

Your child

Why did you look so serious at Pranam this morning? Is anything wrong?

December 11,1933

Maman,

You keep on promising me beautiful things, and I keep on resisting them. Then how can I always be happy ?

Your child

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One should not worry, it does not help towards the realisation of the promises; also one must have patience. In this physical world things take time to materialise.

December 12. 1933

My dear maman,

Today also I worked all day. What else?

Your child

Never doubt my love and my solicitude.

December 14, 1933

Yesterday and today I worked all day on the sari with irises.

I love to work for you. Maman, I don't know what to write. I have nothing to say.

Your child

It is enough; all I ask is that we exchange a little "bonjour" every day. When you have something special, important or interesting to write to me, you will write. love

December 18, 1933

My dear maman,

Today also I worked all day on the sari; I am not

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writing to you how many hours I work because if I write to you "I have worked for 10 hours", you write "It is amazing!"

Your child

Your are a zealous and energetic child.

love

December 19, 1933

My dear maman,

Irises are beautiful, maman. What do they signify ?

"Aristocracy of beauty". It is a noble flower which stands upright on its stalk. Its form has been stylised in the "fleur-de-lis", the emblem of the kings of France.

December 23, 1933

Maman,

Today also I worked all day on the blouse.

Your child

All my affection for my hardworking little smile.

December 29, 1933

Tonight I shall see you at exactly midnight to wish you a happy new year.

December 31, 1933

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Maman,

Today I worked all day: in the morning on the blouse and in the afternoon on the sari.

Your child

I saw the beautiful blouse for the golden sari. How well it is made! One might well think the cloth woven in Benares.

January 2,1934

Maman,

What to write ? Today I worked on the sari.

What to say? That I am always with. you in your work and your rest, your sleep and your waking.

Affectionately

January 3,1934

Maman,

Today I did not work at all. Since yesterday I have been indisposed; I have caught a cold and my eyes are

burning. I cannot work.

Your child

You must rest well until it passes altogether.

January 4,1934

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Maman,

I did not write to you yesterday because I didn't want to trouble you. I want you to rest.

Your child

Yes, it is very sweet of you, but it does not tire me to read two or three lines.

January 6, 1934

Maman,

There are three ventilators in our hall and the sun shines through them on the sari (on the big frame).

So I want to make curtains for the ventilators; may I ask Datta for the necessary cloth ?

Your child

Surely you may ask. But who will climb up there, first for taking the measurements, then for hanging them ? I hope it will not be you. It would be better to inform Chandulal who will do what is necessary.

January 8, 1934

My dear maman,

Yes, the cold is gone.

Yesterday while ironing the blouse I burnt it in a few places.

Your child

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I did not notice it. So it can't be much. That is probably why you looked so grave at pranam this morning. You should not torment yourself for such small things.

love

January 11, 1934

...I will be with you always, my dear little child, in the struggle and in the victory.

January 13,1934

Maman,

Today also I worked all day on the sari.

Your child

I am with you with all my love.

January 17,1934

Maman,

Today I worked on the sari for 9 hours.

Your child

Then the work must be advancing very rapidly. You have a marvellous capacity for work, my dear little child.

January 18,1934

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Maman,

Today I worked for 10 hours. ( I work more than 10 hours) but I don't write to you the correct number of hours; because if I do, you will write back to me, "It is amazing!"

Your child

All the same you should not, my little child, strain yourself. I should be very sorry if you were to do so.

January 20, 1934

My dear little child, why were you weeping so bitterly this morning during Pranam. I was so pained not to be able to console you. Will you not tell me your grief so that I may efface it if possible ? You know that all my love is with you always as well as the best of my will to help you to go through your difficulties.

January 24, 1934

/ did not know that I was weeping there. Don't be troubled because I weep. Maman, I know well, but I ask you, "Am I ( is my heart ) at peace ? Do I have real peace ? Am I quiet? Even the little while I am in your room with you ? Even for 5 or 10 minutes, even at the moment I am doing Pranam, when my head is on your knees, am I peaceful and quiet ?"

Then how can you hope to see me happy ?

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.../ know that you want me to have peace and be happy and that all your love is with me always. But I must feel them all the time. (And is it possible to feel it at every instant even when one cannot be peaceful ?)

...Do not be troubled by my weeping — if nothing else at least I received your caress (yesterday morning for my tears), which is rare. (And perhaps that is why so sweet too.) You do not always caress me like that.

Your child

I shall see you this morning, but if even that does not make you happy, then what to do!

January 25,1934

Maman,

...Sometimes I became a naughty child. No, maman ?

Your child

Not naughty, poor little child, only a bit sad and that pains me, for I would like to see you always full of light and joy.

January 26,1934

Maman,

I want to become your tiny little baby. You will make me your tiny little baby. Then I shall be always on your lap and I shall be always with you alone.

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Maman,

I don't want to do Yoga and become a Yogi, because it is not good; when one does Yoga one becomes like P. (and others like her) and says: "I am Mahakali;

I am the universal Mother; I am perfect."

And I am terribly afraid of this thing; it is very, very bad. And then all one can do is to go away from here. That is why, Maman, I don't want to do Yoga.

I shall be your tiny little baby and you will hide me in your heart, then nobody can see me nor take me away from you.

All right.

It is very good like that, is it not, maman ?

Yes, it is excellent, I approve wholly.

And then surely I shall be full of light and joy, as you wish to see me.

Your tiny little child

January 27,1934

Maman,

Today I worked all day on the sari....

Maman, I know, there are beautiful things in my tiny little heart. There are also bad things, you know Maman, I told you of them. But this tiny little heart is full of love. Maman, we are going to burn all the bad things in this little heart.

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Then. in my heart there will be only love, most sweet, for you alone.

It is very beautiful what you have written here and it is very true also. The beautiful things are much stronger than the ugly ones and win the victory unfailingly. I am always with you, in the struggle and in the victory.

January 29,1934

Maman,

Today also I worked all day on the sari.

Maman, this morning T. showed me the pink blouse she has embroidered with silver thread.

This blouse is very, very beautiful.

The sari too will be the most beautiful one in your collection of saris (embroidered by us).

Before I had seen this blouse ( by T.) I used to think the bird-of-paradise sari was very beautiful; but after seeing this blouse I find that my sari ( bird-of-paradise ) is nothing in comparison with the one T. is preparing.

Your child

That is not correct, each has its particular beauty and its style. The bird-of-paradise is a very beautiful sari.

The blouse is truly the most beautiful one.

Your child

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I cannot say whether it is the most beautiful one or not. Each of the embroidered saris has its own beauty, but it is true that this blouse is very beautiful.

January 30,1934

Maman,

I told you once that if someone made something beautiful for you we ought to be happy, whoever it might be, myself or anybody else; I mean to say that seeing a very beautiful thing someone has made for you, one ought to be happy, and all those who love my sweet Maman would naturally be happy.

Do you know that when I saw this blouse by T., I felt something, I felt that another person had made a thing more beautiful than what I had made.

Maman, I know why I felt like that. Up till now I had in me a kind of pride for my work: "I make better things than anybody else here", something like that. And that is why when I saw a very beautiful thing made by another person, my pride received a good, hard blow. Is that not true ? (Maman, I remember a sentence, I once heard H. telling someone: "Mother knows how to give blows".)

Your child

I assure you that it is not deliberately that I give Ii the blows.

Maman, why these silly things in me ? I don't want

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them. They have been in me long enough. Now I don't want them. I shall not rest until you come into my heart and live there eternally.

My maman, give me in my aspiration purity and constancy.

Your child

Certain states in us (and pride is one of them) automatically call forth blows from the surrounding circumstances. And it is up to us to utilise these blows to make further progress.

You are right in wanting all this pettiness and stupidity to disappear. I am fully with you in this determination and I am sure that you will triumph.

January 31, 1934

Maman,

Today I have nothing to write. As usual I worked all day.

Your child

I hope this month now beginning, will bring the realisation you desire: happy calm, unvarying peace, luminous silence.

Such is my wish and my blessing for you.

February 1, 1934

/ shall capture Thee in my heart. I do not need to

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think of peace and felicity. Once you live in our hearts

these things cannot but be there.

Your child

You will not have far to go to capture me, for I am already in your heart and as soon as your eyes open you will see me there; turn your faculty of feeling inwards instead of letting it project itself outwards, and you will feel my presence as concretely, even more concretely than you feel cold and heat.

February 2, 1934

My beloved Maman,

You are already in my heart, it is true — but I have to be there always with you. Isn't it so ?

But I do not know how to open my eyes, they are always open except when I sleep.

I am speaking of the inner eyes, not of physical eyes.

"Turn your faculty of feeling inwards instead of letting it project itself outwards."

Maman, when I feel something I feel it in my heart (and I think everyone feels in his heart). I don't know how to feel outside. I do not understand what you mean

by "outside".

Your child

I mean that instead of living in the perceptions of

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the sense-organs which are exclusively occupied with external things, one should concentrate in the inner being which has a life independent of the senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch).

Februarys, 1934

Maman,

I do not know how to concentrate in the inner being.

If it interests you, I shall explain it one day, when I see you.

February 5, 1934

Maman,

Today I worked on the sari in the morning. In the afternoon Tara did not allow me to work because my left eyelid has been a bit swollen for the past two days.

She did well.

From tomorrow I shall start working again. I cannot devote to my eyelid so .much of my time. It is very naughty, it does not want me to work.

But I want to finish this sari for the 24th April and that is why I must work on it every day. If I don't bother about the eye then it will have to be all right.

Your child

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If the eye itself does not ache, it does not matter so much. You should not, however, overwork as long as the eye is not fully all right. To hasten the recovery, you could have, every two hours, an eye-wash with fairly warm boric water. Your neighbour, the Dispensary, will prepare that for you. Do exactly as I tell you (without fail) and you will soon be all right. (Do not pt D. put any ointment in your eye, it is not good.)

February 8,1934

Maman,

Yesterday the eyelid (the swollen spot) was hard. Yesterday I washed it three times with warm water and this morning it has become soft.

This afternoon I got boric acid from the Dispensary and I shall prepare hot water at home; I don't like to go to the Dispensary too often.

The eye hurt the first two days but since yesterday it hasn't bothered me. I shall wash it with boric water twice a day. P

It is difficult for me to heat water every two hours, it is quite a bothersome job.

Of course I understand it is not convenient. Moreover if your eye is better, washing it twice a day will probably be all right.

love

February 9,1934

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Maman,

My eye is all right. Today I worked all day on the sari.

Your child

It is good that it improved so quickly; I am very happy about it.

love

February 10,1934

Maman,

Today also I worked all day for you.

Your child

I saw you passing under our windows, a little after five. I tried to make you turn your head to see me, but I did not succeed.

February 12,1934

How much you all work to make beautiful clothes for me !

I hope, however, that you are not overworking yourselves.

love

In some time from now it will not be possible for me to see the notebooks at least for a while.

February 15, 1934

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That may be so for those who have their own parents and relations. I have none (except you)¹.

Your child

Then why do you speak of going ? It makes no sense, and it is not quite nice either; because what have I ever shown to you except love, care, and affection? Is that a way of recognising my feelings for you ?

February 25, 1934

Poor child, I take you most gladly on my knees and cradle you on my breast to console this heavy grief that has no cause and to pacify this great revolt that has no reason. Let me take you in my arms, bathe you in my love and efface even the memory of this unhappy incident. I kept the letter in order to show it to Sri Aurobindo along with your letter of this morning. I am returning it to you in this notebook.

February 27,1934

Maman,

I like to write to you something every day but I do not know what to write.

You know, maman, what Sri Aurobindo wrote to me.

¹ Since I did not keep any connection with those I had left behind (mother, sister, another brother), the feeling that I had none except the Mother was very real.

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Don't you ? He wrote: "Keep yourself inwardly confident and open, all will be done."

I am not sending it to you; because 1 want to keep it with me so that I can read it whenever I want. But I shall bring it to you one day when I see you and then we shall read together.

Your little child

Sri Aurobindo read it to me before sending it to you; but if you have some difficulty deciphering it you may bring it.

March 5, 1934

Maman,

I tried to draw the "irises" for the crown but I did not succeed.

If you like, tomorrow morning I shall show you what I have done and you will show me how to draw it.

I find it very difficult to copy this iris from the photograph.

Certainly, my little child, with great pleasure I shall show you tomorrow how to make this crown. Bring the exact form of the crown drawn on a piece of paper and also the photograph — I shall take care of the rest.

With all my love.

March 16, 1934

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My dear little child,

I am glad you have recovered so quickly. You did well to get your throat painted by the doctor.

I am returning you your iris envelope, but perhaps you do not need it any more ?

love

April 1, 1934

My dear little smile,

It would have to be something of prime importance that I wanted to tell you for me to take the initiative of writing to you.

I am already quite busy enough with the answers I must give to the letters and notebooks I receive.

But that does not prevent my love from being always with you.

June 26,1934

No, my dear child, I am sure I did not tell you that you wanted to hide something from me. When, under the pressure that I was putting on you in meditation to calm the agitation of your mind and vital, you started crying, I thought that perhaps it would relieve you to tell me the cause of your grief, and when you did not answer, I simply asked whether you did not want to speak — in order not to insist uselessly. You were mistaken if you thought I was showing displeasure.

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Letters To My Little smile

My love and blessings for you and for them.

July 17, 1936

Maman,

You said that there is something closed in me which is not opening to you and that that is why even when I want to feel your love in my heart (which you say is already there) I don't feel it. What is closed ? My heart ? or something else ? I don't understand all this.

I want it to open to you and I want to feel your love in my heart always.

But if it is really closed, how to open it ? What should I do to open it ?

For really I want it to open to you and I want to

be happy for ever.

Your little child

My dear little smile,

I know only one way: giving oneself—a complete consecration to the Divine; the more one gives oneself the more one opens, the more one opens the more one receives, and it is in the intimacy of this self-giving that one can become conscious of the inner Presence and

the joy it brings.

Love from your maman

July 25, 1936

Maman,

The word "consecration" is not enough for me to

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understand how exactly one can consecrate oneself to the Divine.

In order to give myself to you more and more what should I do ? How, in what way will I be able to give myself to you more and more ?

Your little child

Sri Aurobindo's reply:

Just as you give yourself through work to the Mother doing all for her, so there is an inner giving or consecration. Ordinarily the mind and vital live for themselves, want this or that, seek after it and feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled if they do not get it. But when they give themselves, this ceases. Whatever the Mother does with them that they accept ask for nothing, rely on her entirely, live for her will and not for their desires. Then they begin to be empty of their old selves and old movements, fill with the presence of the Mother ,the will of the Mother, the workings of the Mother that becomes all their life.

Sri Aurobindo

The Mother's reply:

Love to my dear little smile.

July 27, 1936

The Mother

Dear maman, I tell you frankly when / am not happy: -when with

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great joy someone tells me of his beautiful and happy experiences, it is then that I feel so poor; I feel that I do not yet have in me what I should have.

And I ask you always for the silence and peace (as I told you the other day) for I know that if one can always keep that silence and peace one never feels poor,

for any reason.

I don't want to be, I don't want to feel so poor.

Your poor little child

Sri Aurobindo's reply:

The silence and peace are there working to manifest. Let the mind and vital give all themselves and they will pour in and reveal themselves.

The Mother's reply:

You have already had that experience of peace and silent joy, you know what it is and it is sure to return more strongly and more stably. Keep confident, do not worry, thus you will hasten its coming.

Love from your maman

July 30,1936

Specially, do not be upset; remain very calm and confident so as to be able to receive fully what Sri

Aurobindo will give you on the 15th.

With all my love

August 10, 1936

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Maman,

I find that I have lost everything. All that was good in me, all is lost. Before, I always felt that I was doing everything for you, in all the work I did this feeling of "working for you" was always with me.

Now it seems to me that I have lost this feeling, Only the work remains: the stitches that these hands make do not have much value, they are dead stitches.

I know that one must keep this feeling of "doing everything for you" constantly. Without that one can-not even have the joy of work and without that nothing is possible.

Maman, when shall I have this feeling ? This is my real need.

Your little child

My dear little child, are you aware of any cause behind this change? Surely there must be one.... Moreover, these days when the Ashram is full of visitors, there is great confusion which often brings a darkening of the consciousness. One ought not to be too sad about it and simply will, with calm and perseverance, for the light to reappear. My love is always with you to help you get rid of this wrong movement.

Affectionately

August 30,1936

Maman,

Yes, I think I know the cause of this change. Is it

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not the desire to be admired by people ? ego ? or is it something else ? If you know you will let me know. I must know it in order to get rid of it.

Your child

Yes, my dear little child, you have indeed found the real cause; and, were you not, somehow, rather unhappy that I have not been wearing your embroidered saris all these days ? The reason surely is not that I do not like to wear them, on the contrary. But they are rather heavy and warm and I prefer to keep them for wearing between November and January — a period during which there are many visitors due to the vacations and during which I shall wear the embroidered saris with greatest pleasure since the weather is a bit cooler.

It is true that you need to get rid of these movements which are ignorant and petty; but at the same time, you may be sure that I appreciate and love your work immensely. I have great admiration for your embroidery, and for you, great love.

Your maman

August 31,1936

My little Eternal Smile,

Must go on smiling, smiling still more when the difficulties come. Smiles are like rays of the sun, they dissolve the clouds.... And if you want the radical remedy,

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it is this: frankness—be absolutely frank; tell me fully all that is going on in you, and soon the cure will come, a complete and happy cure.

To my little smile

most lovingly

My child,

Don't pretend to be silly when you are not. Not only was I not angry, but I had not the slightest intention of looking angry.

I looked only straight into your soul, trying to reestablish the connection between it and your outer consciousness. And I took your laughter for a sign of your conversion !

Beware of false pride—it leads only to ruin. And do not belittle the Divine's love, because without it nothing is worth living for.

I know that you are too sensible and sensitive to ignore this truth.

Always lovingly

September 6, 1936

My dear maman,

Today my mathematics teacher has given me good news. He said that Pavitra would give physics lessons twice a week and that if I had the time I could attend this class.

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1 have the time, and I want to take advantage of it. What do you say?*

Vasudha

*Best wishes.

Certainly you can attend the class. I am sure you will gain much from it.

My blessings and my love July 19,1940

My dear child,

I know very well that you ask nothing from anyone and it is spontaneously that Bayabai brings clothes for you; but since you have not asked anything of me for a very long time, I thought you might need these petticoats and that is why I sent them to you. The white one had been offered to me and I had kept it to give it to whoever might need it. I think you can keep them both, now that I have given them to you.

With my blessings and my love

December, 1940

[Telegram sent to Vasudha's family shortly after Chandulal's passing (November 1945)}

Vasudha's home is here/ She will not go/ Your coming not necessary.

The Mother, Sri Aurobindo

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The Mother and Vasudha (July 5, 1969)

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Vasudha,

Would you bring me a waistcoat to the play ground at about 6 o'clock in the evening ? It is really too hot to put it on before I leave the house and without it at sunset I would feel cold. I am asking you to bring it instead of taking it myself in the car, because I need you to pin the veil1 properly on it.

I hope it will not inconvenience you.

With all my affection and blessings.

January 10,1949

To Vasudha,

faithful companion,

skilled in service,

Bonne Fete!

With all my love and

blessings.

January 6,1962

Bonne Fete!

To Vasudha whose precious help prevents my feet from being hurt by the stones on the way.

With my love and blessings so that her aspiration maybe realised this year.

January 6, 1963

1 the chunni

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1972

Vasudha,

How are you ?Love

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LETTERS TO CHANDULAL

Portraits of Chandulal by the Mother (1931)

Page 122

To Chandulal, the ever-smiling child, ( September 17, 1931)

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Sweet Mother, grant that we may simply be, now and forever, thy little children.

Patience

The capacity to wait steadily for the Realisation to come.

By his way of thinking, feeling, acting, each one emanates vibrations which constitute his own atmosphere and quite naturally attract vibrations of similar nature and quality.

So long as you are capable of giving somebody a beating you open the door to the possibility of being given a beating yourself.

Sin belongs to the world and not to yoga.

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Explain this sentence: the development of will is the foundation of all mastery.

..But I do not know how to develop the will. Will you give me the secret, Sweet Mother ?

Do you know how muscles are developed ? By exercise — it is the same thing.

I am proud of my fine son Chandulal because he is sincere.

To Chandulal '

Could you send a man now with some strong wire (about 4 to 5 yards) for the clothes-line which has again broken and needs replacing. We need it for tomorrow

morning.

Datta

This time I have done the work; but next time if you write in English I shall not do it: I think Mother approves of my wish.

Yes, I approve, but on your side, you would do well to write French a little more correctly. I have under- lined the mistakes.

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Dilip writes:

"There are three doors of which projecting pieces of pointed wood (impossible to explain) are wounding me constantly. Could Mother ask Chandulal to make them as innocent as is possible in yoga ?"

It would be good if you went to see what he is talking about.

M.F.D, (Chandulal),

If I am not mistaken, Shankar Rama's wife is cooking in her room. She is using a charcoal stove and needs a second one. I wonder what will happen to the poor room ? Is it not possible to arrange a special place for her cooking ? • You might go and see what can be done. But you must by no means put them to inconvenience. If the cooking cannot be shifted from the room, you must make all possible arrangements to minimise the mischief.

Remember to be kind and obliging.

I do not know if the brushes are being washed better than before, but an artist would say that they are not clean. They are sticky and that is what I have always observed with mineral petrol.

Krishnayya is complaining that cement dust falls in

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the cattle-feed when it is prepared on the verandah.

Perhaps it is that which makes the bullocks ill. One of these poor animals has become terribly thin. I saw it this morning.

You must see whether some better arrangement can be made.

It seems to me quite sufficiently big. They have no intention of using their bathroom as a ballroom, I suppose.

How is it that you have not spoken to me about the bakery kneading table for two days ? If it is not repaired immediately, we will have no bread to eat. The work must be done immediately.

Chandulal,

I have seen your chit for washing soap. You got the last one on the 22nd of March. This makes only 16 days, while a big cake of soap must last 30 days. It is quite evident that your coolie is stealing the soap, and I have no intention of providing him with washing soap. Some device must be found to check him;

words are of no use....

(This time I have sanctioned the soap.)

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Chandulal,

Shankar has started a new book; but it seems to me that he has not finished the previous one.

I do not see at all the need of changing the notebook every month. Will you see if indeed the previous book is finished or not, and act accordingly ?

In the future I will be obliged to ask for the finished notebook before I can sanction a new one. That is to say, each time that a notebook is to be renewed the used notebook must be sent up to me at the same time as the chit for-the new one.

Also, I do not see the need of leaving a blank page at the beginning.

I am not feeling comfortable about the dining room. It is not by merely saying: "nothing will happen" that an accident can be avoided. Your mental formation may be strong, but the contrary formation is at least as strong as yours — and we must never tempt the adverse forces.

I ask you to discard all obstinacy and to be perfectly sincere. Go and see with no preconceived idea....

Go and see honestly, carefully, all round the place; consider that thirty people or so, are taking their meals there and, if anything happened what a horrible thing it would be — and, with the sense of your full responsibility, come tomorrow morning, with a final and definite answer — I shall trust your word.

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P. S. Naturally I am not expecting you to go tonight but tomorrow morning.

December 14,1931

Always aspire for this unattainable perfection.

The perfection I demand is not at all unattainable.

July 15, 1932

TWO NOTES FROM SRI AUROBINDO

There is no "my concern" and "his concern". Everything is the Divine's "concern" — since all belongs to the Divine.

I would like to add two questions.

1. Why do people in the Ashram (budding supermen) get furious against anything merely because it is new and unfamiliar ? That is common and natural in animals; but human beings ought to have more open minds.

2. Why are they so ready to pass positive judgments on things about which they have insufficient knowledge ? It would be better if they could accustom themselves to wait and learn.

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0 to belong to Thee without any shadow and with- out any reservation! Long have I wished for this, but I have failed. Now will you give me the strength, 0 Sweet Mother ?

(Written in beautiful handwriting in capitals)

After such a well-written prayer, how can it be otherwise ?

July 16, 1932

At every minute all the unforeseen, the unexpected, the unknown is before us. What is the remedy ?

To be plastic and vigilant, attentive and alert— receptive.

July 18, 1932

By the way, I saw the painter sand-papering the "salon" table and was horrified ! He was rubbing violently and in every direction with one or the other hand, while looking at anything and everything except what he was doing; poor table, what treatment! ! I like better not to think of what will come out of so much unconsciousness and carelessness.

July 20, 1932

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A single drop of Thy 'divine love can transform this suffering into an ocean of joy!

May all the tears be wiped away, all suffering soothed, all agonies dispelled, and may calm serenity inhabit the hearts of men.

I am sad, have pity on me.

0 Thou who soothest all the sufferings and dispellest all ignorance, Thou Supreme healer, have pity on me.

Break this resistance that fills me with agony. Why, why this night... ?

Explanations I could give many; the how and the why can easily be described — but is it really necessary ? It is not that which heals. Healing comes not from the head but from the heart.

To understand is good, but to will is better.

Self-love is the great obstacle.

Divine Love is the great remedy.

July 20, 1932

Sleep, child, sleep, with the Sweet Mother in thy heart ! Awake, child, awake, with the Sweet Mother in thy heart!

July 21, 1932

What childishness it is to imagine oneself responsible for anything....

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Thou hast taken away all care.... Let me lie down at Thy feet, 0 Sweet Mother.

Most willingly.

July 23,1932

Love, 0 Divine Love, in a silence rich with possibilities I salute Thee.

(Mother continues the prayer)

I open myself to Thee and I would obey Thee in absolute faithfulness.

July 28, 1932

True nobility, true superiority lies in goodwill.

July 29, 1932

It is always better not to show too much of what I have written, as I do not deal with everybody in the same way, and what I can say to one I would not say to another.

July 30, 1932

You know how you looked? Like a true Yogi ( I

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mean your atmosphere). Now I understand why.

July 31,1932

It is adoration translating itself into work—it is thus all the more precious.

July 31,1932

I thirst for Thy consciousness, 0 Sweet Mother, I dissolve in Thee.

This thirst shall be quenched when this, "0 Sweet Mother, I dissolve in Thee", is psychologically realised.

August 2, 1932

The wrong attitude can be in the body consciousness itself (lack of faith or of receptivity) and then it is very difficult to detect as it does not correspond to any wrong thought or feeling; the body consciousness being most often, and in almost everyone, subconscious.

August 8, 1932

Is it good to talk about one's experiences ? No general rule can be made for this, each case is

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different. The important point is the attitude behind the talk. It is only what is said as a pure and sincere offering on the altar of Divine Truth that can have a real value.

August 6,1932

To Her I give myself unreservedly.

Yes, therein lies safety and joy !

August 6, 1932

This was to remove all possibility of a feeling of scolding or reproach in what I was saying, because there was nothing of the kind intended. I was giving expression to an amused observation about the ways of the world and how it cannot but misunderstand the ways of us who are seeking for the Truth-expression too sincerely to be easily understood by ordinary people.

It is this seeking which gives the impression of hesitation, uncertainty, unsuccessful attempts, etc....

August 10, 1932

Accept the ardent flame of my gratitude.

Yes, it is accepted with deep affection.

August 10, 1932

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LETTERS TO CHANDULAL

May we rise above the ordinary forms of manifestations, so that Thou canst find the necessary instruments for thy new manifestation. May we be always one with Thy Force, a Force which the earth does not yet know and to reveal which is the mission Thou hast given us.

0 the sweetness of Thy calm certitude, the power of Thy Peace ¹

This makes a beautiful programme... it will make a still better realisation.

August 12, 1932

It is with the concentration of our will and the intensity of our aspiration that we can hasten the day of victory.

August 13, 1932

As to my belief in the efficacy of prayer, I believe in its efficacy only when it is addressed to the Mother. I mean that Mother in that room who is there in flesh and blood. If you refer it to some unknown, or unknowable, invisible god, I do deride it as filshufie.¹

I find your answer quite good. But D. is quite free to expect more help from an invisible and silent Mother (who never contradicts you openly) if he likes.

August 15, 1932

' meaning mere philosophy.

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* Why do I do something in a dream which I would not do in the waking consciousness ?

† Is it because there is no mental control in the dream-state and hence the vital being is free to act as it likes ?

* The movement comes from a subconscient layer which is not allowed to express itself in the daytime.

† No true and constant control is established in that part as yet.

August 16, 1932

The physical being is always fatigued when it is asked I to keep a lasting concentration.

The concentration can be kept constantly but not by mental decision.

It must be a divine decision.

August 16, 1932

What activity will most fully utilise all the energies?

That which is done in the most perfect spirit of consecration.

August 20,1932

You say nothing about the carving on this furniture.

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Have you had the wood-carver called? I was thinking that while they are working on the dresser, the carpenter could make the almirah-cum-rack I have asked for.

I shall also need a long low bench to put under Sri Aurobindo's table.

The measurements will be given at 11 o'clock when you come.

October 6, 1932

I hesitate to say yes because many people will feel the loss if they cannot come up onto the roof-terrace. And as I myself walk there it is difficult for me to deprive others of this. Is it not possible to repair it without removing the ladder?

October 10, 1932

I am very happy about your progress in French. With a little more study of grammar it will be very good.

October 13, 1932

Tomorrow the lumber-yard is closed, but I shall work all day at Cycle House because H. does not want to work on holidays.

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There are those who do the work for the love of it and those who do it as a duty.

October 15,1932

It is better to be simple and sincere rather than clever.

October 31,1932

To love the Divine is to be loved by Him.

November 2, 1932

We are soon going to have a beautiful cow!... But before it comes, Krishnayya is asking that the bullockshed be repaired. It seems the ground does not have sufficient slope, water stagnates and the poor animals lie in the mud! It is really bad and I don't like it. So you will have to make the necessary repairs. Krishnayya says it will not cost more than Rs. 20. I agree to this sum.

November 7, 1932

Chandulal,

Because of the sudden rain we wanted to shut the windows and found, with some discomfort, that not a single one was shutting properly. Unless one is a Hercules

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and a wrestler one has no hope of shutting them at all. They stay closed through goodwill I suppose, but this goodwill would certainly not withstand any strong gust of wind !

November 9, 1932

The well of the ladies' house (Vasudha's house) must be covered this very day. Urgent.

November 30,1932

Chandulal,

Lila says that you went to see her window and that you said that it was all right; but as she cannot close it herself, she asks for a straw curtain to hang in front of it—these curtains are quite costly and do not last. In the long run would it not be cheaper to repair the window and make it a little more easy to handle ?

Chandulal,

Pavitra has a high fever and a severe headache — I don't think it is safe to break the concrete, above his room today—at least not this morning....

Your little sister Vasudha is somewhat depressed. If

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you can spare a little time to speak with her, I think it would do her good.

December 9,1932

Sweet Mother,

I met my "little sister" in the reading room early in the morning (at 7.30). I think she was in a good mood.

She was turning the pages of an illustrated magazine with interest.

"Is it Vasudha ?" I asked.

"Yes. Look at these fashionable sarees. I have chosen one of them, and shown it to Mother. She has asked me to make one like it for her."

December 10,1932

If you try to hide something from the Divine, you are sure to fall on your nose, plouff ! like that....

December 10,1932

Happiness lies in having absolute confidence in the Divine.

January 2,1933

Why, when you are in trouble, do you no longer ask for the help of the Divine Grace? Though you know

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by experience that the result is unfailing and marvellous!

January 16, 1933

No. Because people are mean, it is no reason to be mean oneself.

April 24, 1933

Here ends the notebook. May all past imperfections disappear with it.

May 9,1933

The old servant Kaveri is asking for employment for her young son (who is under eight, I think). Could he be employed to remove the debris at Ganapati House ?

It is impossible to make a child of under eight work. It would be criminal.

June 9, 1933

We want to be faithful workers for the Great Victory.

June 26, 1933

The carpenter Mariappan: He has taken ten days'

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leave in order to get remarried. He is asking for an advance of Rs. 40/- which he proposes to repay at the rate of Rs. 8/ - per month. I have already told him that Mother approves neither of marriage — even less of remarriage — nor of advances encouraging marriages.

He insists on asking Mother.

Your orders please, Mother wonderful!

What to do ? He is a good and regular worker, isn't e? I hope this new marriage will not make him irregular.

Should we give him the money ? If you think that

t is necessary, I shall not say no.

July 6,1933

/ am overcome by sleep. Let me lie down at Your feet.

Sleep, child, sleep! July 22,1933

Do you know what a swing is ?

It is a thing I loved to play on when I was small. I1 is made of wood, and the plank on which one sits is suspended by strong ropes from rings fixed to a ¦ bar above with the supporting posts firmly driven into

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the ground. I was thinking something similar could be done for the sieve.

September 19,1933

Just be happy to have become conscious of the lack of thoroughness, since that awareness allows you to make progress. In fact, making progress, overcoming a difficulty, learning something, seeing clearly into something of which one was not conscious — these are things that make man really happy.

September 22,1933

It is possible that physical appearance has something to do with it, but. strictly speaking it does not count for very much. I believe rather in the influence of atmospheres. Each individual has around him an atmosphere made up of vibrations resulting from his character, his state of being, his way of thinking, feeling, acting. These atmospheres act and react on one another by contagion; the vibrations are contagious, that is, we readily pick up the vibration of those we meet, especially if that vibration is at all strong. Thus, it is easy to understand that someone who carries within and around himself peace and goodwill, will, in some way, impose something at least of his peace and goodwill on others. Whereas contempt, irritability, anger will arouse in others similar movements. Along this line lies

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the explanation of many events, although, of course, it is not the only explanation !.

October 30, 1933

This morning during Pranam a prayer from my heart Sprang towards you: "May this day bring me an opportunity to remain calm even in the face of provocation." It was a very spontaneous prayer.

Now there's a rash prayer for you ! It is as if you were deliberately bringing down upon yourself an unpleasant experience....

November 3, 1933

Yes, here everyone thinks only of spending, spending, spending as much as he can, no one thinks of saving and avoiding waste. It is the triumph of egoism. You can show this to them and add that it is I who have given the order to make use of all the old pieces of wood as far as possible.

November 13,1933

Important — Aroumé (the kitchen) I forgot to enquire about an important point. As the vessels used for cooking are very large, the top of the

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fire-places should not be much higher than ground level. This must be checked while the kitchen is being repaired. The top of the fire-places should not be more than 50 cm. above ground, so that the vessels can be raised and lowered without danger.

December 5, 1933

One must be calm and concentrated, must never utter a useless sentence and must have faith in the Divine help.

December 12, 1933

Some reflections concerning Aroumé (the Dining Room).

1) Will you or can you tell me why Venkataraman has built a new cistern under the tap on the platform for washing face and hands after meals ?

The tap had been moved precisely so that it would not be over a cistern and now they have constructed a new one!

2) The doors of the little house in Francois Martin St. (in front of Government House) do not close well, it seems, and a strong push is sufficient to open them. You must check and do what is necessary. One of these doors will surely be used by the workers: it should be made so that one can open and close it easily from inside as well as from outside.

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3) Finally, and this is for your brother¹ even more than for you, why has no one told me that Clairon's shop is an American bar (it is written on the door) where they drink, smoke and all the rest. It is, indeed, of all possible neighbours the most undesirable! If I had been informed about it I would have sent word to Xavier to rid us of such a neighbour.

I shall be glad to have your comments when you see me in the afternoon.

December 27,1933

This moving becomes a big affair, because it is necessary that one has the evening meal on time. If people could have skipped just one meal, it would have been easier. But who would agree to miss a meal!...

January 3, 1934

Make me always laugh as You laughed this morning. Your laughter is still ringing in my cells.

It is true that I laughed heartily.

January 8,1934

I do not think the sadness has arisen from that, but

¹ Amrita — the Mother called them brothers.

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rather from the state in which I was myself. When you came yesterday at half past twelve I was very concentrated, rather preoccupied—I was troubled by this story of cement and wasted money. I don't like to be stupidly robbed.

Then Amrita asking for a thousand rupees, while nothing is coming in, troubled me. This state of things troubles me. Finally, Chinmayi was quite seriously in disposed and for that reason too I was concentrated. I did not attend to you as usual and I think that has acted upon you although you are not aware of it.

January 25,1934

I told Sri Aurobindo that you will speak French like a Frenchman.

February 1, 1934

An exercise: If you notice that your voice is rising, stop speaking at once; call for Mother's help, so that She may make you conscious of the hidden deformation.

Is it all right, Sweet Mother ?

It is absolutely all right. All my compliments for this marked progress.

February 9, 1934

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If I have not made a single mistake (in French) Sweet Mother will give me a little kiss tomorrow morning, and I will give a thousand kisses at the feet of dear Mother.

I salute Thee, Mother Wonderful!

If... yes, but... three mistakes.

March 24, 1934

Why do you want an outer sign of my love ? Are you not satisfied with knowing that it is there ?

April 16, 1934

I appreciate this attitude and this effort. It proves the sincerity of your aspiration. But I did not have that particular point in mind — I was speaking in a I much more general way. All of you, in your relationships among yourselves, have much to change and much to learn.

April 20, 1934

Sleep well! Happy dreams ! Happy waking !

May 2,1934

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It seems that the notice about the holidays has been circulated only in French. I don't think you should do that, for it means imposing the study of French on all those who work in the Building Department, which is impossible.

For instance Naik asked me once whether it was indispensable to learn French and I told him no. There. are others also in the same situation. In my opinion you should attach the English version to the French and circulate both together.

May 4, 1934

Naik has asked whether one could pay double for the extra hour of work in the evening from 6 to 7.1 have said yes. For you must surely know that in France all extra hours in the evening are paid double, and it seems reasonable.

May 4,1934

Let me lie down at Your feet, Sweet Mother, and may you appreciate that I haven't made a single mistake in spelling or grammar this evening. I have become a scholar, due to the pains You take.

Indeed, it is very good. Bravo!...

May 11,1934

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/ love Thee from the profoundest depth of my heart, 0 Sweet Mother.

And I return it fully.

May 11,1934

I wish you a happy birthday—may it be the beginning of a year of integral progress, enlightenment, organisation, transformation.

With deep love, I bless you.

May 16, 1934

All that you say is quite correct and there are yet many other things you have riot said and which I know. The trouble could be summed up thus:

1) Too many workmen.

2) Too many different projects undertaken at the same time.

3) Lack of consciousness in some of the supervisors. Naturally, N° 2 could be corrected by increasing the number of supervisors, on condition, of course, that they are sincere and honest, which would also be the remedy for N° 3. But perhaps of all the remedies, this one (I mean being honest, sincere and conscientious) is the most difficult to achieve.

Several times we have spoken in a general way of

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decreasing the number of workmen. I have always said yes, and I would be very happy to reduce expenses as much as possible.

But when we came to the details of putting it into practice we always found ourselves confronted with the same difficulty: whom to send away? and according to your answers the difficulty seemed to be insurmountable.

Now I propose this — to put up a notice which Duraiswami could draft something like this:

"Due to the ill-will of the inhabitants of the town, I have found myself compelled to stop buying houses. Consequently there is now not enough work to occupy all the workmen. I am very sorry about this, but I find myself compelled to part with a certain number of them (you will give the number) and since they have all been hardworking and faithful, I am even more at a loss as to whom to choose. So I am informing them three weeks in advance. From the 1st July the number of workmen will be reduced by... (the exact figure to be given). That will give them time to look for work elsewhere. Those who find work are asked to let us know."

Before putting up the notice you will speak to the workmen (masons, carpenters, painters, coolies, etc.) whom you positively want to keep and you will tell them that the notice that is going to be put up is not for them and that in any event we want to keep their services, so they don't have to look for work elsewhere. To be sure that there is no possible misunderstanding

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it will be better if Duraiswami or Amrita speaks to them, in your presence.

And, from the 1st July we shall have to think of decreasing also the number of projects undertaken simultaneously, in order to obviate the difficulty of supervision.

That is the clearest I see for the moment.

June 5,1934

I am going to begin by telling you a very small story. Then I shall answer you.

You must have seen the new clock which is supposed to run for six months. When it was set going it was running very fast, Pavitra tried to find out how to regulate it and discovered a sort of screw with which you can lengthen or shorten the pendulum. I looked at the clock with the inner sight and I told Pavitra, "You have to shorten the pendulum in order to make it go slower." He looked at me with stupefaction and explained that in mechanics the longer the pendulum the slower the movement (I know that all right — but this is not an ordinary pendulum since it works by a rotatory movement). I answered, as I always do: "Do as you think." He lengthened the pendulum and the clock started going even faster. After a day's observation, he agreed to shorten the pendulum and now the clock is working all right.

I believe in the superiority of the inner vision over

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the outer vision and this belief is based not only on a theoretical knowledge but on thousands of examples I have come across during a life that is already long. Unfortunately I am surrounded by people who, although they are here to practise yoga, are still convinced that "a cat is a cat", as we commonly say in French, and that one can rely only on one's physical eyes for seeing and observing, on one's physical mind's knowledge for judging and deciding and that the laws of Nature are laws, that is, all that is an exception to them is a miracle. This is not true.

That is at the root of all the misunderstanding and reservations. You know already, and I am mentioning it only to recall it to your memory, that an experiment made with an attitude of reservation and doubt is not an experiment and that the outer circumstances will always combine to support the doubts, and this for a reason not very difficult to understand: doubt veils the consciousness and the subconscious sincerity and in action some small factors creep in which seem to be of no importance at all but which are just sufficient to change all the factors of the problem and to bring about the result which, in one's doubt, one had foreseen.

I have nothing else to add except this. When the question of re-doing Pavitra's rooms arose, I looked very carefully and repeatedly with the inner eye and I saw this: brush the wall with the metal brush so that whatever is loose falls off and cover the rest with a thick layer of distemper which for the very reason that it is thick will be enough to hide the irregularities. The

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process was expected to be simple, rapid and fully satisfactory. I put into it all the necessary force for it to become an effective formation charged with the power of realisation and I said that the work could be done, adding in a few words how it was to be done (This was long ago—the first time that it was decided to re-do the walls of Pavitra's apartment, it was perhaps a year ago). My formation was so living, so real, so active, that I made the mistake of not recalling it to your memory before the work began. I have the tendency to believe that the consciousness of those around me is, at least partially and in its limited functioning, similar to mine. I explain — I know that each one of you has a very small and limited consciousness compared with mine, but within its limits, I have the illusion that its nature is similar to mine, and that is why there are many things I do not say because they are to me so obvious that it would be absolutely pointless to say them. It is here that from your side, there must intervene a freedom of movement and speech that arises from a loving confidence. If there is something of which you are not sure, you must ask me about it; if you do not see very clearly my intention, you must find it out; if you do not know my formation very accurately, you must ask me to explain it to you. When I do not do so, it is because I think you are sufficiently receptive for the formation to act and realise itself without my having to speak about it, and, in fact, this happens often — it is only when the mind and vital get in the way, for some reason or the other,

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that the functioning becomes faulty.

Read this carefully, study it and when you come to-day I will ask you to read it from the point I have marked with a red cross, for I think it can be useful to all those who will be there. I shall surely ask you to translate it into English, in order to be sure that you have understood fully.

May Peace be with you — I bless you.

June 7, 1934

/ am thirsting, thirsting for Your love, 0 Sweet

Mother !

Just open your heart and your thirst will be quenched, for the waters of love run not dry.

July 3, 1934

Sleep well and rest under the protecting shade of my benediction.

July 11,1934

M. F. D.,

Dara wants curtains for his windows, but the measurements he gives seem quite fanciful. I told him you would go and see.

I was thinking of giving him curtains for covering

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the glass part. Let me know exactly how his windows are and what we can do.

December 13, 1934

We have finished "Jeanne d'Arc". This evening Vasudha wept for half a minute upon hearing the last scene. What shall we read tomorrow. Sweet Mother ?

I spoke to her about something to read when "Jeanne d'Arc" was finished. Now I do not remember what it was. Perhaps she will remember.

June 7, 1935

We finished "Merlusse" this evening. Tomorrow we Ware going to start "Mer, Mann, Marine". On every page there are so many words which I understand only vaguely and I cannot explain them to Mademoiselle Vasudha. What shall I do, Sweet Mother?

Use a dictionary !

July 11, 1935

You have made me aware of the subconscious movements determining action. Every time that the opportunity arises you make me more and more aware. Do not withdraw when you see me depressed, Sweet Mother.

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/ assure you, I promise you, that with your Grace I will be myself again within a short time.

I aspire to the blessed day when the conflict, the momentary losses of faith, will cease forever and you will use me even as you use your feet, 0 Sweet Mother.

I salute you with gratitude, full of joy.

I am very glad of the way you have taken it. When I speak to you so frankly it is a great proof of the confidence I have in. you.

My blessings are with you.

July 16,1935

When we are in the presence of hostile forces, only the purity of an absolute truth can conquer them.

July 20,1935

0 Supreme Lord, Divine Master, Life of my life, Light of my light, I promise to Thee today that I shall never be discontented with Sweet Mother. May my confidence in Sweet Mother not vacillate in any way, may my love for wonderful Mother grow day by day.

Sri Aurobindo's reply:

1

1

July 21,1935

¹ Tathastu: so be it.

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At the Lotus Feet of the Lord Supreme.

Douce Mere took the opportunity of the leak in "N. S." to make me more conscious,

Misguided by the suggestions of the refractory parts of my being I took it as an undeserved reproach. I became discontented and missed the opportunity. I feel very much ashamed. My heart has dried up. I am not even able to face Douce Mere.

1)1 had prayed to Douce Mere to make me conscious immediately whenever I was on the point of losing the right attitude and I had promised to accept Her signal with full faith. Alas ! when She tried I failed.!

2) I had promised Thee, Supreme Lord, that henceforth I would never be discontented with Douce Mere.

I failed to keep that promise.

For this double failure I feel very much ashamed.

I pray to Thee again to pull me out of this state

and I promise again that I shall never, never more be

discontented with Douce Mere*

Sri Aurobindo's reply:

† It was simply a statement of fact, not a reproach, and it was not you but your ego that got discontented because it felt scratched by the facts.

* Very well, I take the promise. But the rising of discontent is surely a sufficient indication that the consciousness is going wrong. As soon as you feel it you should immediately draw back and say "Oh, ego you are up again against the Mother ! Stop that or I will take you by the scruff of the neck and throw you

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out of the window." I hope indeed to see that "thrown out" actually happen one day.

October 21, 1935

My little M.F.D.,

Do not be sad. I love you very much.

December 24, 1935

0 Sweet Mother,

Permeate the whole of my being and transfigure it so that Thou alone abides! in us and with us.

The main door of your being is open, but certain others are not yet. You must open them all, for I am there and I am waiting.

With my blessings

April 1, 1936

I send you my special blessings on this day of your birthday. May this year bring you more light, peace and joy and help you to make decisive progress on the path of integral transformation and perfect union with the divine Will.

May 18, 1936

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Y. has just written that he has recognised his mistake in having given up the work and that he will resume work this morning. So you have to behave as if nothing had happened and receive him well. I hope T. too will not pass unnecessary remarks.

September 23, 1936

French reading with Vasudha:

1) The chapter on the Ashram in "À la poursuite de la Sagesse".¹

2) "Athalie", the entire drama, Which of these two choices do you approve, Sweet Mother ? Where can I get the book ?

I approve of them both. You can start with "A la poursuite de la Sagesse" — the book is in the library.

January 18,1937

/ hesitate very much to put you to the trouble of correcting my exercises in French composition. Will you not allow me to ask M. Pavitra to see my notebook — a page every day, at a time that will suit him ?

We always do it together—it doesn't take long.

January 21, 1937

¹ In the Pursuit of Wisdom by Maurice Magre, a French author who visited the Ashram and has written in his book some beautiful pages on the Mother and the Ashram.

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0 Supreme Lord,

For a long time, a really long time, I have not received anything in writing from Thee. I love Thee from the depth of my heart and I sing Thy praises.

0 Eternal Master, I salute Thee.

Sri Aurobindo's reply:

My blessings written and unwritten.

June 15,1937

Perhaps Sweet Mother is displeased with me over something ?

I am not at all displeased. But what a funny idea to allow oneself to be upset by such small things! Where's the Yoga?

You must shake off all that and return to a better state of consciousness.

Blessings

July 8,1937

Regarding Arul, the site of the dead grape fruit tree:

Jyotin keeps some flower-pots there. He can always keep them all around.

How do you like the idea. Sweet Mother ?

Excellent. You must speak to Jyotin about it. But would it not be better, before planting a new tree, to

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find out why the other died ? Have they found out the cause of this premature death ? I bless you, my dear child.

July 9,1937

Obviously Jyotin would prefer not to give up that place. It is true that when the other tree died I said that it would be better not to plant a new one. I think indeed, that it would spoil the look of the courtyard.

July 10, 1937

You are correct, my child; such sincerity is the sure way to progress.

I bless you very affectionately.

September 4, 1937

I think it is better to let R. take the Governor around and show him everything. Then if explanations are required, you may give them. That will be easier and simpler for you.

I don't know if it is really necessary to take him to Harpagon. The place is rather messy and not so impressive beyond the main store. But there too you should let R. do as he thinks.

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It is better if everyone stays put at his work.

Blessings

July 6,1938

/ don't know why I have lost my self-control and peace.

It's a pity! Perhaps you are a little tired — I hope you are sleeping well. I would like you to go to bed earlier. All this work after the meditation (discussions, accounts, etc.)—is it really indispensable? In order to keep one's self-control one must have enough time to rest, to go within oneself and find calm and tranquillity.

October 19, 1938

One must efface from oneself once and for all the feeling that one is "superior" to others—for no one is superior or inferior before the Divine.

December 6,1938

It is all right. Now you should be on your guard to have only good and true wishes. My blessings are always with you.

April 26, 1939

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0 Sweet Mother,

In spite of all my efforts to collaborate with J. as a friend, I have failed. I pray you to tell me in de tail the defects which prevent me from succeeding. I promise you to make a sincere effort to get rid of these defects and with your help I am sure I shall succeed.

I had dreamed that we would discuss the work in hand, the work to be done; that we would exchange views, I mean, speak the way Khirod and I speak together. But I am unhappy that J. keeps me at a distance, remains reserved and when he does speak, I find him difficult.

This state of things arouses in me feelings of revolt. The effort required to keep my peace and calm seems to me beyond my capacity.

I prostrate myself at your feet and I pray to you to guide me and give me the light. I kiss your feet, 0 Sweet Mother.

I am afraid it is a lack of affinity in the vital and even in the mind. These things are difficult to over come, for it would require both to open to a higher consciousness. It demands time and a continuous effort of sadhana on the part of both.

In the present conditions I think it would be better not to persist obstinately in your attempt at friendly relations with him, that only increases his sense of importance.

As to the need for exchanging your views and opinions concerning work, I am not convinced. My impression

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is that one always talks much more than necessary and that it is not with words that good work gets done.

At all events, calm and Patience are absolutely necessary — and you ought to have them since my blessings are with you.

October 10,1939

It is all right; my love and blessings are with you to lead you on the path towards the total Light.

December 23, 1939

A year of silence and expectation... let us find, 0 Lord, our entire support" in Thy Grace alone.

1940

The disease: a narrow and egoistic ambition in the mind, expressing itself as strong vanity in the vital that falsifies your notions of things and your reactions.

The remedy: Surrender all that to "^Sweet Mother" completely and once for all.

With my loving solitude and my blessings.

March 5, 1940

My dear child,

May this day be for you a truly new birth

With my blessings

May 18,1940

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I am glad that you have seen clearly, but it does not surprise me. I was sure that one day you would understand.

Let the light of a luminous consciousness enter into you; widen yourself within this vast consciousness so that all the shadows may disappear forever.

With my blessings

June 5, 1940

Yes, I think it is always preferable to keep me informed about things—but it is a mistake to be upset over such trifles.

My blessings

October 3, 1940

It is very good, my child; I was quite sure that this too would come to an end, for I know the goodness of your heart.

My blessings are with you.

October 15, 1940

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