Others too had to understand Her secret - her own disciples, Nations. Will she be heard? Will she be allowed to pursue her experience? '... The body knows that the work will go on and on and on...'
The last turning point of Mother's yoga, and she comes out of it with this cry: "I have walked a long, long time. There was nothing but a constant cry, as if everything were torn away from me. It was the whole problem of the world." And this Agenda is more and more strewn with heartrending little cries. It was not enough to have found the secret for herself, the others too had to understand, her own disciples, Nations locked in their egoistic power: "They have no faith! 'She is old, she is old', an atmosphere of resistance to the change; 'it is impossible, impossible' from all sides.... Not a single minute should be wasted - I am in a hurry.... The reign of the Divine must, oh, must come!.... If the entire Russian block were to turn to the right side, that would be an enormous support! The victory is certain, but I don't know which path will be followed to reach it.... We must cling, cling so tightly to Truth.... They don't listen to me any more." She is 93, groping her way into the unknown: "I see more clearly with eyes closed than with eyes open, and it is a physical vision, purely physical, but a kind of physical that seems more complete. The consciousness of the cells is what has to change, all the rest will follow naturally! I have the feeling I am on my way to discovering the illusion that must be destroyed so that physical life may go on uninterrupted - death is the result of a distortion of consciousness." Will she be heard? Will she be allowed to pursue her experience? "Only a violent death could halt the transformation; otherwise the body knows that the work will go on and on and on...." And this cry again: "There will be a miracle! But what, I don't know."
(Mother sits looking at Satprem for what seems a very long time. Her left eye is still swollen.)
Something to ask?
Do you see something?
No, there's nothing.
Page 222
(Mother remains absorbed for 40 minutes)
What would you like to say?
What is absorbing you like this?1
(after a silence)
All the time, all the time, there is the "thought" of the Divine, but like a... a kind of—thirst to be and to understand. All mental notions seem artificial to me.... At times there is terrible anguish; at times there is perfect peace.
(long silence)
It's strange, at times I have the impression that death makes much less of a change than we think, and at other times it's totally incomprehensible.... Strange, it's like the two extremes: sometimes, it barely makes a difference; the next time it's a... something... what does death really mean?
I would rather not speak because.... It's not something mentalized at all, so it doesn't have any....
(silence)
I told you about those activities at night (I have no impression of sleeping, and yet the body is perfectly at rest), in which there are people who are living and people who are "dead" in ordinary language—and they are absolutely alike. Except that the living seem still to have egoistic reactions, which the others don't have. But it's... (fluid gesture).... What to us is real doesn't exist anymore. And it's very concrete.
I am in a state where I know nothing, that's all.
And so my one and only refuge is to sort of curl up in the Divine, you know.... As if....
To be You, that's all. Do what You want with me, that's all.... Not even like that [with words or thought], not even that.
Page 223
It's the transition from the old way of being, which is becoming more and more distant, to... the Divine does everything. For instance, even food has become pretty difficult, because the old way of eating seems more and more remote, and it is replaced by something... inexpressible. It's inexpressible.
It's as if you were standing on a ridge (gesture) and the least misstep would pitch you into a hole.
Everything seems different, all the... everything seems so different. The nature of the relations with people is changing, the nature of everything is changing, but what? What?
It's like being on the brink or point or... hanging in balance—a tremendous Power (there's a tremendous power, I have some examples), and at the same time, an incredible helplessness.
I prefer not to speak because... because that's not it. What one says is... (Mother nods her head).
You know: it's like being suspended between the most marvelous and the most vile. Like that.
(Mother remains absorbed a long while)
I don't know how much time it will take....
I don't even know where I am going—whether I am going towards transformation or towards the end. The consciousness is there (gesture above), it isn't affected.... I don't know.... But I am kept in this body (gesture of being held down strongly), as though it were willed that I remain in this consciousness. And then, all these cells become conscious, but.... Does it depend on having a form or not? I don't know.
I am not in a condition where I can help others outwardly.
(Mother takes Satprem's hands)
Page 224
At times the body feels it can last an eternity like this; at times it feels it may get dissolved any moment.... And all, all, is like that.
Well, we'll see.
The Force, the Power is greater and greater, but... (I don't know how to say it) but it's not a personal power, not at all.
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