Maude Smith's Correspondence with The Mother

8 October 1965

Gracious Divine Mother,

What is the matter? I can't find any inside, any door, any opening to "step through". There is no place I can go to hide, to rest, to find any peace.

Why is it that I still can't trust the sadhana to you?

Many years ago when I told you I had a feeling of not being able to do anything, you said that sometimes it is a good thing, for then one surrenders and everything is all right. But 1 still can't surrender and everything is not all right. Sometimes I work happily for months and don't think of these things, but that does no good either. It only distracts me from aspiring, from striving, from doing the yoga.

Mother, what to do? Sometimes I feel like stopping everything—food, sleep, work, exercise—and just call and call until there is a breakthrough, until something opens. There is no sense in going on as I am. I cannot go on this way.

Mother, help me, I pray.

Perhaps if you stop doing "yoga" and just live joyfully—yoga will spontaneously come to you....

In any case, my love is with you.

8 October 1965