The Working of Their Grace

Part 2

In 1940 I had asked B to send me the second volume, parts 1 and 2, of The Life Divine with Sri Aurobindo's blessings. He sent the same in December of that year. In the covering letter he wrote: "Sri Aurobindo recognised you at once." When B came to my place in 1941 he said, "When I went to Sri Aurobindo with your books, I began to introduce you. At once Sri Aurobindo said, 'Oh! that pleader from Mehsana'." Dear reader! Can you imagine what joy it is to know that one has a place in the Master's consciousness? Words fail to describe it.

In 1943, I had the experience of what Ajapā jap is.

In the early hours of the 22nd June I heard first the melodious sound of a Veena and then the mantra began to repeat itself without any effort on my part. On the 23rd June, while I was going to bed one Mr. G came and took me to see the film "Naya Sansar". I was not willing to go but could not say Nay. That was my weakness. I was not interested in the film. But one thing happened by the Mother's Grace. Whatever songs occurred in the film went reciting for me the mantra! When I came out of the cinema hall, in all that I heard, I heard the mantra alone. On the 28th June I noted down this in my diary. Up to that time, i.e. for seven days, everything I had heard had become the mantra. I do not know when it receded afterwards.

In 1947 I suffered from the worst type of piles and was confined to bed on the 2nd May. All the medicines I took aggravated rather than healed the disease. The doctor advised me to go to Bombay and get myself operated upon. I was not inclined to undergo the operation. I wrote to the Mother that even though I was going to Bombay for an operation I did not want it and I relied on Her. One N, who was a good astrologer, told D that death stared me in the face and I would not return from Bombay. When we reached Bombay the doctor examined me and said that there was too much swelling and the operation could not be performed till the swelling had subsided. We came back. After two months we again went to Bombay. The doctor said, "The swelling is still there but we shall perform the operation." I said, "I am not in a hurry to go to God's house." Then we consulted one of the best surgeons of Bombay. He said, "You are suffering from fistula with piles." I asked him, "Can we wait for two months?" He said, "Yes." We came back.

On or about the 12th or 13th November, while I was having a nap, I heard the following words: "You ask people to have faith in God; where has your faith gone? Why did you go to Bombay twice and incur so much expense?" I woke up at once and called my wife and asked her to gather all the medicines, pack them up and throw them into the lumber room. I resolved there and then not to take any medicine and to rely simply on the Mother's Grace. After that, I took my bath every day at about 1.30 p.m. and then told my rosary for an hour, taking the Mother's name. The miracle happened, and on the 2nd December I was able to attend my business.

In 1949 I wrote to P, in charge of the Publication Department, to send me Letters, 2nd Series, with the Mother's blessings and autograph. P sent the same and he wrote to me on 8.4.1949: "The Letters has been especially autographed for you by the Mother with her blessings." Naturally it was a joy to know this.

The year 1950 followed. Sri Aurobindo withdrew His Consciousness from his body on the 5th December. When I heard of his withdrawal, I could not believe it. I said to myself, "Sri Aurobindo has promised that the Supramental will descend. It is a thing decreed and inevitable. But who can bring this about except Himself? Sri Aurobindo will assume a new body."

Up till now, I had not gone to Pondicherry. I decided to go there and sought permission of the Mother for it. On the 19th December I received a letter from the secretary of the Ashram: "Your letter. It is better you postpone your intended trip for the present." I could not go.

1951 passed and I decided to go to Pondicherry in May 1952. On the 29th February 1952 one M, an inmate of the Ashram, had come to our place. We invited him to our Centre as we were all eager to know how the Ashram was going on after the withdrawal of Sri Aurobindo. In the course of his talk he said, "Smokers are not allowed before the Samadhi of Sri Aurobindo"—he ought to have said that smoking was not allowed in the Ashram. This raised a problem for me. I was a chain smoker. I smoked at least three packets of Gold Flake a day. If I was not allowed to have the darshan of Samadhi, what was the use of going 1400 miles and more? I had firmly decided to go to Pondicherry, come what may. I could hardly sleep the succeeding nights up to the 10th March. If I accepted Sri Aurobindo as my Guru, if I accepted Him as the incarnate Divine, could I not give up smoking? I decided on the 10th March that I would smoke as many cigarettes as I could on the 11th and then stop smoking. I smoked up to 11.15 p.m. of the 11th, then washed my mouth, hands and feet and went to my Puja room, sat before the photographs of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and prayed to the Mother:

"Ma! I have given up smoking. I am taking a vow not to smoke again. I have not the strength to keep the vow; give me the strength to keep it. If I fail, Thy reputation will be at stake."

Then I went to bed. When I got up on the morning of the 12th, the wonder of wonders was that I did not remember the cigarette at all... It was as if I had never smoked in my life.

In May I was to start for Pondicherry. My reservation was for the 26th. I had to settle a certain social affair before I started. The affair was not settled. My younger brother suggested that I should cancel my trip to Pondicherry and telegraph to the Mother: "Sorry, could not come." My reply was, "The Mother is not waiting for me. I would be a great fool if I did not go after getting Her permission. I am not going to cancel my trip." My younger brother fell ill and did not come to the station to give me a send-off when I started for Pondicherry on the 26th May 1952. My daughter and one K were with me.

In the early morning of the 28th we were nearing Pondicherry. After we had started from Chinnababusamudram, the station about half an hour before Pondicherry, hardly five minutes passed when I sensed the change of atmosphere. At about 6.30 a.m. we reached Pondicherry. The moment I set foot on the platform a depression set in.

The rickshaw-walla took us to the Central Bureau of the Ashram. I showed the person in charge the postcard I had received from the secretary of the Ashram. He said, "You should see the secretary." So we came to the main building of the Ashram and took our seats in chairs that were near the Reception Room. One P came by. He asked me what the matter was. I told him. He took the postcard and went to the secretary. He returned with the news that we were to be accommodated in Golconde. He asked one C to take us to Golconde and said that the Mother would give balcony darshan. C showed us the balcony. He came with us to the dining hall and said that after taking breakfast we should attend the balcony. We went to the dining room, took our breakfast and returned to Golconde. Then we went for the balcony darshan.

At that time there was no fixed moment for darshan. The Mother used to come between 8 and 9.30 a.m. At last I had the darshan of the Mother. But I was not satisfied. Love did not well up in my heart on seeing Her. On the contrary, my mind asked, "Where is the divinity? She is a human being like other human beings." At that time M met us. He said, "I have been remembering you for the last 19 days." I asked him, "Who will introduce us to the Mother?" He said, "I shall ask the secretary and then let you know." Then we went to the Ashram building. We sat before the Samadhi. I put my head on the Samadhi. I felt peace descending into me.

Then we went to the meditation hall. When I stood near the photograph of Sri Aurobindo and my eyes caught sight of Him, I stepped back in awe. This was not a picture but a living Presence. At that time M came and said, "The secretary has said that you may be taken to the Mother in the evening at the Playground when She distributes Prasad." In the evening we went to the Playground. The Mother was standing at the door of Her room there and distributing Prasad. When my turn came M said to the Mother, "Vallabh Sheth and his daughter from Mehsana." I was very much dissatisfied with this introduction. I thought: "How is the Mother to know who is Vallabh Sheth and where Mehsana is situated." I clean forgot that She was the Divine and She did not need any introduction.

On the 30th May I wrote to the Mother: "I have adored Thee as the Divine Mother for the last 19 years. I do not feel the joy and Ananda that I should feel on seeing Thee. There is some resistance in the being. Strike with thunder this being if need be but let it be transfigured."

The 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st were days of trial and test. The Hostile Forces sent suggestions without number against the divinity of the Mother. But on this point I was adamant; by the Mother's Grace I said, "Whatever suggestions may come, for me the Mother is divine." My constant aspiration was: "O Ma! Grant that I may understand Thee in Thy truest form." When I went to the Samadhi, I prayed: "O Lord! Grant that I may understand the Mother in Her truest form and that my faith in Her divinity may not waver for a moment."

On the 1st June, I was sitting before the photograph of the Mother in Golconde. After Puja was over, I said, "O Mother! I thank Thee for everything Thou hast given me even though I may term it good, bad or indifferent." At this time I felt love for the Mother springing up in the depth of my heart.

The 1st June was the Prosperity Day. The Mother gave me leaves of the plant "New Birth". I was newly born.

When I met P I told him of my difficulty. He said, "The Mother is now dealing with children, so She has adopted the most human form."

On the 3rd June, in the early hours of the day between 1 and 8 a.m., I saw the Mother in Her Divine Form; only Her face and throat were visible and I heard the following words:

"This Mother is the Divine Mother. I have declared it openly in my letters. If you cannot accept Her as the Divine Mother, woe be unto you. Sri Aurobindo."

On hearing these words I asked, "Have I not accepted the Mother as the Divine Mother?" I received the reply: "This is not meant particularly for you, it is a general message."

In those days the Mother gave blessings in the Meditation Hall three times a week. If I am not mistaken, the 3rd June was a Blessings Day. The Mother came down with a dish of flowers in Her left hand. To see the Mother descending was a sight worth seeing even for the gods. It seemed She was coming down with light upon the earth.

She took Her seat on the chair. When my turn came, I stood before Her and what did I see? I saw Her eyes full of love. There was an ocean of Love in them. I decided at once that to understand the Mother one must see Her eyes. If one misses Her eyes, one misses everything.

In 1957 I had asked P to send me the major works of Sri Aurobindo (American Edition) with the Mother's autograph and blessings. But P had sent the same without the Mother's autograph and blessings, saying: "The Mother has no time." So I had taken with me the books for the Mother's autograph and blessings. When I first met him I told him that I had brought the books for the Mother's autograph and blessings. He said, "The Mother has no time." As it was my first meeting with him, naturally I could not press him.

On the 4th June I requested P to get the Mother's autograph and blessings at least on two books. He consented and asked me to give him the books before 4 p.m. I did so. At that time I had no idea how the books would be returned to me. A surprise awaited me.

K had met Champaklalbhai then and Champaklalbhai had said to K that we would be allowed into Sri Aurobindo's room at noon.

At noon we went to the meditation hall on the ground floor. Champaklalbhai was waiting on the stairs. He took us to Sri Aurobindo's room. I felt peace and Ananda descending. My whole body from head to foot thrilled with joy. I made my offering.

The 6th June was the day of my departure. It was also a Blessings Day. We went for the Mother's blessings. When my turn came I offered flowers to Her. She gave me a flower named Psychological Perfection; then She said to Champaklalbhai, "Some books for him." This was a surprise. Nobody had introduced me to Her except on the day of our arrival. How did She know that the person standing before Her was Vallabh and that P had sent books on my behalf for blessings and autograph. I was convinced of Her Divinity. The Mother gave the two books to me with Her autograph and blessings.

As we were leaving Pondicherry at night, we went for the Mother's blessings at about 4 p.m. She came down to go to the tennis ground. She stood near the door of the stairs. I offered Her flowers. She said, "Going?" The word still reverberates in my ears. I placed my head on Her feet for some time. Then I raised it a little. She did not put Her hand on my head. So I raised my head but with no result. The third time I raised my head a little more but still the Mother did not put Her hand on it. I thought, "Will not the Mother put Her hand on my head?" I raised my head still higher for the fourth time. This time the Mother put Her two fingers on my head and pressed it. I felt a current entering my body. I can relive this experience even today.

I had written a letter to D on the 3rd or 4th June. In it I had mentioned my overall impression of the Ashram: "The town of Pondicherry may be properly described as a city of silence. It seems the people have no tongue. What do I find here? Immensity, vastness, wideness, infinitude, silence are pervasive and, above all, there are the Divine Mother and our Lord's Samadhi. If there will be a perfect humanity on earth, it will be in the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. Men and women, boys and girls mix together, play together. Sex, which is the undoing of so many Yogins, has no place here. It seems the Ashramites do not know the name of sex. On everybody's face you find a kind of joy, Ananda, youth and health."

On the 5th June I had written a letter to my uncle to this effect: "I would say this for the present that one would not like to go to Nirvana or Moksha after enjoying the Ashram life."