The Working of Their Grace

Part 1

In 1918, when I was eleven, I went to my maternal uncle's place. He had built a new house. On the walls were hung the photographs of national leaders. On the second or third day, at about 10 a.m., my maternal uncle said, "Well, Bhanabhai (the writer's sister's son.)do you know all these great men? Come on." So saying he took me near the wall and said, "See, here is Gandhiji, here is Vallabhabhai Patel", and he went on reciting the names of the leaders. When we came near the photograph of Sri Aurobindo with Mrinalinidevi, he said enthusiastically, "Do you know him? He is a great revolutionary, Arvind Babu. He is manufacturing bombs in Pondicherry against the British Government." This was my first contact with Sri Aurobindo. It was strange talk, and little did I dream at that time that a day would come when I would accept him as my Guru, the incarnate Divine.

In 1924 I was studying at Poona. In the month of December, my father informed me that grandfather had expired. When I learnt this a question arose in my mind, "Why should one die?" For eight days I could sleep very little. The moment I went to bed the question stared me in the face. The same question had arisen when my mother had left her earthly home in 1917. I was too young. I could not find the solution.

Then came the year 1928. C came to visit D, a common friend. We—D, C, and I—went for a walk in the evening. All of a sudden C said, "Well, D, have you heard about the fall of Arvind Ghose? He has a lady friend and he drinks." This was the second time that I heard about Sri Aurobindo. Again the talk was rather strange. Some days later D and I visited C's place. He was reading. D asked, "What are you reading?" C replied, "I am reading Essays on the Gita by Arvind Ghose. These great men make a mountain out of a molehill." C spoke as if he knew much more than Sri Aurobindo. Vanity of vanities. This was the third time that the name of Sri Aurobindo fell upon my ears.

Came the year 1930. I was cleaning my dead-stock room. I came across Uttarapara Speech. It contained Sri Aurobindo's photograph. I read the title of the book and saw Sri Aurobindo's picture in it, but as I was not interested I put the book aside. It was a mystery how the book had found a place in my dead-stock room.

The year 1932 started. My friend D went to Pondicherry for the first time in August for the Darshan of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. By the end of the month he came back. On the 12th September he received Conversations with the Mother. When I went to his place on the 13th he said, "I received an excellent book yesterday from Pondicherry, I would like to read out some portions to you." He began to read the first chapter of the book. While reading we came across the following sentence:

"You will have to be patient and persistent and vigilant—sleepless, as the adepts say."

I was enamoured of the word "sleepless" so much that I decided then and there that I must have the book. In the evening of the same day or on the next I wrote to Nolini Kanta Gupta. I do not exactly remember the words, but I wrote to the following effect:

"I am not a student of Philosophy or Religion, but I want to know the Truth. Please send Conversations with the Mother if possible. Please convey my respectful Pranams to the Master and the Mother."

After posting the letter an idea struck me: "What relations have you established with the Master and the Mother that they should send you the book?" And I decided that I should not take it ill if the book was not sent. In fact I did not get the book then.

In the month of October the same year B, an inmate of the Ashram, came to stay with D. When I went to D's place in the evening he introduced B to me, saying "Here is my friend B, he is a disciple of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother." D introduced me to B saying, "Here is my best friend."

The year 1933 arrived. D was going to Pondicherry for the August Darshan. Before starting, he told me, "Darshan time is generally from 7 a.m. to noon. If you like, you may sit before the photos of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and meditate and, if you like, write to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother for their blessings." D had given me small snaps of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother.

I wrote to them, praying for their blessings and I also said: "I would like to have your photos."

In answer I received a letter from Nolini Kanta Gupta dated 17-8-1933, saying:

"The Mother and Sri Aurobindo ask me to communicate to you their blessings. Mr. D will take with him the photos you have asked for."

This was my first direct contact with Sri Aurobindo and the Mother.

B came to D's place in September 1933. During our talk, I told him my experiences. He was pleased and advised me to ask for Conversations with the Mother. I wrote to the Mother for the book and then forgot all about it. After fifteen days or so, on 13-10-1933, I received by registered post the book, bearing a number and the Mother's autograph, with my name written by Her. I was so charmed that I covered the book with velvet. The book was not for public sale at that time but for private circulation only. It was put up for public sale in 1940, if I am not mistaken.

Whenever B came to our place, he brought with him some books of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. I read the books he brought with him. On reading Sri Aurobindo's books, I found that He was positive that Death was not a necessity and that man died because he had formed the habit of dying. When I read this, the question that had arisen on the death of my mother in 1917 and on the death of my grandfather in 1924 was answered. Up till now all saints and sages and even Avatars had said that whoever is born has to die. Here was Sri Aurobindo declaring that "Death was not a necessity". Naturally I found in Sri Aurobindo a haven of safety.

In April 1934 B came to our place. He had copied down the revised chapters of Karma Yoga in The Synthesis of Yoga. He said that he would allow me to copy the chapters if I obtained Sri Aurobindo's permission. I wrote to Sri Aurobindo, praying for permission to copy the chapters. I also wrote that I was born a Jain and that current Jainism taught that it would be a sin to eat potatoes and onions and everything that was termed "Kandmul." I expressed my desire to know whether it was a sin to eat these things and whether onions increase the guna of tamas (inertia) or not. In reply I got a letter dated 9-5-1934 from Nolini Kanta Gupta to the following effect:

"Sri Aurobindo says:—(1) You can copy the revised chapters of Karma Yoga.(2) You can copy whatever you find useful to you.(3) There is no sin at all in eating the things you speak of. The only objection to eating much onion is that it is supposed to stimulate the guna of rajas, not that of tamas; but there are other foods not forbidden that also do that."

In September 1934 B was at our place. At that time the Prayers and Meditations of the Mother had not been published. The sadhakas copied them down from typescript with the permission of Sri Aurobindo. The same was the case with the Messages. B had copied down the Prayers and Messages. He asked me to get the permission of the Mother if I wanted them. I wrote to the Mother. In reply I received a letter dated 14-9-1934 from Nolini Kanta Gupta: "Sri Aurobindo says in answer to your prayer to the Mother that you can copy the Prayers and the Messages."

In 1935, I suffered from a growth of bone in the tip of the third finger of my right hand. In Gujarati it is called a "khiti". The pain is unbearable. One weeps and groans. My doctor advised an operation. But that meant cutting down a portion of the finger. I did not like it. I used to apply hot onion in the hope that the skin would burst and relieve me. Nothing happened.

On the fourth or fifth day, I went to a celebrated Ayurvedic practitioner, a Vaidya, and asked him to give me or prescribe a paste, by applying which I might be relieved of the pain. The Vaidya said, "You are an educated man. Don't you know that in the body the skin of the finger tips is the toughest? You have to get yourself operated upon." I said, "I do not want that." He said, "Then suffer. You shall have to get yourself operated upon in the end. So if you seek my advice, go to a doctor immediately and get the operation done." I refused. I came back home disappointed. Then an idea struck me: "Why not write to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo and seek their protection?"

It was not possible for me to write with my right hand; so I wrote to Sri Aurobindo with my left. I stated my condition, the Vaidya's advice, the doctor's confirmation of it and my decision not to get operated upon; I prayed to Him to do the needful. I wrote, "I rely on You and the Mother alone." I finished the letter at about 11 a.m. Then I put it before the photographs of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother for half an hour. At 11.30 I went to the post office and posted it. Hardly four and a half hours had passed when, with the letter still in the post office, the miracle happened. The skin burst and the bone came out of itself. At that time a Vaidya from a nearby village had come. He gave me some powder. I applied the powder and the finger was healed. In this way the Grace of the Gurus acted.

Now the year 1936. My brother and I separated in June. We had gone to our native place. When I returned to my place of business, I had only Rs. 40/- in cash with me. My wife said, "Rice, wheat and dal have to be bought." At that time we could get the goods on credit. So these things were bought on credit. I had still to pay Rs. 260/- to the landlord. My wife said, "What will you do? We have no money." I said, "Why worry, the Mother is there. I expect two things to happen and we shall get the necessary sum." The first thing happened, but the second did not and so I did not get the money. On the 18th June the landlord came and asked for the rent. I said, "Please come on the 1st July." When the landlord had gone, my wife said, "Your expectation has not come true. You have promised the landlord to pay on the 1st; how are you going to pay?" My reply was: "That is Mother's business." Days went by and the 29th June came. My wife asked me, "As yet there is no sign of money coming; what will you do?" I said, "Mother will send the necessary amount." And actually it happened. During the later part of the 29th I got Rs. 260/- the necessary sum. Not a pie more, not a pie less. The landlord came on the 1st July and I gave him the amount. From that day my wife has an unshakable faith in the Mother and the Master.

The period between 1933 to 1936 was a golden period. By the Mother's Grace, I became conscious of my nights. I could remember my dreams in detail. In sleep my self was divided into two parts. One part acted in the dream, the other watched. If the active part was doing something which ought not to be done, the watching part interfered and stopped the other from doing the undesirable thing. At times I would wake up to ease nature. Then the dream would stop. But the moment I went to sleep again the dream would start from the point where it had stopped.

Even though I do not know the Sanskrit language and have no aptitude for poetry, I used to recite Sanskrit slokas in sleep for the whole night and sometimes I used to recite lines after lines of English poetry for the whole night.

During this period, I wrote a very long letter to my uncle's son, explaining to him what Sri Aurobindo's Yoga was.

From the first, on seeing the Mother's photograph, love had welled up in my heart and I adored Her as the Divine Mother. I wrote in my diary a phrase in Gujarati, which would run in English: "Let the Mother be pleased and automatically the Lord will be pleased."

This was in 1934. Once when I was sitting before the photograph of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother at about 10 p.m. I saw that the pupils of the Mother's eyes were moving. There was a living Presence.

Once I was sitting before the photograph and reading The Mother. I came across the following sentence: "...and it is only the very highest supramental Force descending from above and opening from below that can victoriously handle the physical Nature and annihilate difficulties." I stopped reading, closed my eyes and began to ponder over what I had read. After some time, the picture of Gangavataran flashed before my eyes and the meaning became clear.

The year 1937 brought several spells of despondency, abysses of despair, lethargy, inertia and its brood. The lower nature welled up. I did not like to sit for Puja or meditation. I felt dry. Nothing pleased me. On 28.2.1937 I heard the following: "The Divine is not a thing to be trifled with."

B and D came to our place in April. B said, "Let us read something from Conversations." I began to read Chapter 4. We came across the following:

"...for then, if you are without the Divine, the very source of your action disappears; knowledge, power, all are gone. But so long as you feel the powers you use are your own, you will not miss the Divine support."

I did not understand the last two lines. I asked B to explain them. He was not able to do so. B asked D to explain. He failed also.

As I was passing through a period of despair, I wrote a letter to Sri Aurobindo on 16.4.1937 describing my condition. With the letter I enclosed a copy of the letter I had written to my uncle's son. I also prayed to Sri Aurobindo to explain the lines quoted above.

I received a note from the Ashram on 30.4.1937. Sri Aurobindo says in reply to your letter of 16.4.1937:

"Very often the earlier stage of the sadhana is successful, because there is an opening of the mind to the first workings of the Force—afterwards the lower vital consciousness and the physical rise up and if these are not ready or inclined for the sadhana, it ceases. The sadhaka has first to purify and open them and call the Force to work there and make all ready until he can bring the true consciousness and experience there. Yoga implies a long and difficult work and one must be ready to accept the necessity of years of preparation and purification and increasing consecration before the greater results can come."

As regards the passage in the Conversations Sri Aurobindo says:

"It means that in the full spiritual consciousness the sense of separate existence and my and mine disappears. All depends upon the Divine and exist only by the Divine. The ordinary consciousness does not feel or miss this Divine support, because it takes as its own the knowledge and power that are given to it; it is quite satisfied with that and is not aware of the Divine Existence behind it or the Divine Force and Knowledge."

Part 2

In 1940 I had asked B to send me the second volume, parts 1 and 2, of The Life Divine with Sri Aurobindo's blessings. He sent the same in December of that year. In the covering letter he wrote: "Sri Aurobindo recognised you at once." When B came to my place in 1941 he said, "When I went to Sri Aurobindo with your books, I began to introduce you. At once Sri Aurobindo said, 'Oh! that pleader from Mehsana'." Dear reader! Can you imagine what joy it is to know that one has a place in the Master's consciousness? Words fail to describe it.

In 1943, I had the experience of what Ajapā jap is.

In the early hours of the 22nd June I heard first the melodious sound of a Veena and then the mantra began to repeat itself without any effort on my part. On the 23rd June, while I was going to bed one Mr. G came and took me to see the film "Naya Sansar". I was not willing to go but could not say Nay. That was my weakness. I was not interested in the film. But one thing happened by the Mother's Grace. Whatever songs occurred in the film went reciting for me the mantra! When I came out of the cinema hall, in all that I heard, I heard the mantra alone. On the 28th June I noted down this in my diary. Up to that time, i.e. for seven days, everything I had heard had become the mantra. I do not know when it receded afterwards.

In 1947 I suffered from the worst type of piles and was confined to bed on the 2nd May. All the medicines I took aggravated rather than healed the disease. The doctor advised me to go to Bombay and get myself operated upon. I was not inclined to undergo the operation. I wrote to the Mother that even though I was going to Bombay for an operation I did not want it and I relied on Her. One N, who was a good astrologer, told D that death stared me in the face and I would not return from Bombay. When we reached Bombay the doctor examined me and said that there was too much swelling and the operation could not be performed till the swelling had subsided. We came back. After two months we again went to Bombay. The doctor said, "The swelling is still there but we shall perform the operation." I said, "I am not in a hurry to go to God's house." Then we consulted one of the best surgeons of Bombay. He said, "You are suffering from fistula with piles." I asked him, "Can we wait for two months?" He said, "Yes." We came back.

On or about the 12th or 13th November, while I was having a nap, I heard the following words: "You ask people to have faith in God; where has your faith gone? Why did you go to Bombay twice and incur so much expense?" I woke up at once and called my wife and asked her to gather all the medicines, pack them up and throw them into the lumber room. I resolved there and then not to take any medicine and to rely simply on the Mother's Grace. After that, I took my bath every day at about 1.30 p.m. and then told my rosary for an hour, taking the Mother's name. The miracle happened, and on the 2nd December I was able to attend my business.

In 1949 I wrote to P, in charge of the Publication Department, to send me Letters, 2nd Series, with the Mother's blessings and autograph. P sent the same and he wrote to me on 8.4.1949: "The Letters has been especially autographed for you by the Mother with her blessings." Naturally it was a joy to know this.

The year 1950 followed. Sri Aurobindo withdrew His Consciousness from his body on the 5th December. When I heard of his withdrawal, I could not believe it. I said to myself, "Sri Aurobindo has promised that the Supramental will descend. It is a thing decreed and inevitable. But who can bring this about except Himself? Sri Aurobindo will assume a new body."

Up till now, I had not gone to Pondicherry. I decided to go there and sought permission of the Mother for it. On the 19th December I received a letter from the secretary of the Ashram: "Your letter. It is better you postpone your intended trip for the present." I could not go.

1951 passed and I decided to go to Pondicherry in May 1952. On the 29th February 1952 one M, an inmate of the Ashram, had come to our place. We invited him to our Centre as we were all eager to know how the Ashram was going on after the withdrawal of Sri Aurobindo. In the course of his talk he said, "Smokers are not allowed before the Samadhi of Sri Aurobindo"—he ought to have said that smoking was not allowed in the Ashram. This raised a problem for me. I was a chain smoker. I smoked at least three packets of Gold Flake a day. If I was not allowed to have the darshan of Samadhi, what was the use of going 1400 miles and more? I had firmly decided to go to Pondicherry, come what may. I could hardly sleep the succeeding nights up to the 10th March. If I accepted Sri Aurobindo as my Guru, if I accepted Him as the incarnate Divine, could I not give up smoking? I decided on the 10th March that I would smoke as many cigarettes as I could on the 11th and then stop smoking. I smoked up to 11.15 p.m. of the 11th, then washed my mouth, hands and feet and went to my Puja room, sat before the photographs of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and prayed to the Mother:

"Ma! I have given up smoking. I am taking a vow not to smoke again. I have not the strength to keep the vow; give me the strength to keep it. If I fail, Thy reputation will be at stake."

Then I went to bed. When I got up on the morning of the 12th, the wonder of wonders was that I did not remember the cigarette at all... It was as if I had never smoked in my life.

In May I was to start for Pondicherry. My reservation was for the 26th. I had to settle a certain social affair before I started. The affair was not settled. My younger brother suggested that I should cancel my trip to Pondicherry and telegraph to the Mother: "Sorry, could not come." My reply was, "The Mother is not waiting for me. I would be a great fool if I did not go after getting Her permission. I am not going to cancel my trip." My younger brother fell ill and did not come to the station to give me a send-off when I started for Pondicherry on the 26th May 1952. My daughter and one K were with me.

In the early morning of the 28th we were nearing Pondicherry. After we had started from Chinnababusamudram, the station about half an hour before Pondicherry, hardly five minutes passed when I sensed the change of atmosphere. At about 6.30 a.m. we reached Pondicherry. The moment I set foot on the platform a depression set in.

The rickshaw-walla took us to the Central Bureau of the Ashram. I showed the person in charge the postcard I had received from the secretary of the Ashram. He said, "You should see the secretary." So we came to the main building of the Ashram and took our seats in chairs that were near the Reception Room. One P came by. He asked me what the matter was. I told him. He took the postcard and went to the secretary. He returned with the news that we were to be accommodated in Golconde. He asked one C to take us to Golconde and said that the Mother would give balcony darshan. C showed us the balcony. He came with us to the dining hall and said that after taking breakfast we should attend the balcony. We went to the dining room, took our breakfast and returned to Golconde. Then we went for the balcony darshan.

At that time there was no fixed moment for darshan. The Mother used to come between 8 and 9.30 a.m. At last I had the darshan of the Mother. But I was not satisfied. Love did not well up in my heart on seeing Her. On the contrary, my mind asked, "Where is the divinity? She is a human being like other human beings." At that time M met us. He said, "I have been remembering you for the last 19 days." I asked him, "Who will introduce us to the Mother?" He said, "I shall ask the secretary and then let you know." Then we went to the Ashram building. We sat before the Samadhi. I put my head on the Samadhi. I felt peace descending into me.

Then we went to the meditation hall. When I stood near the photograph of Sri Aurobindo and my eyes caught sight of Him, I stepped back in awe. This was not a picture but a living Presence. At that time M came and said, "The secretary has said that you may be taken to the Mother in the evening at the Playground when She distributes Prasad." In the evening we went to the Playground. The Mother was standing at the door of Her room there and distributing Prasad. When my turn came M said to the Mother, "Vallabh Sheth and his daughter from Mehsana." I was very much dissatisfied with this introduction. I thought: "How is the Mother to know who is Vallabh Sheth and where Mehsana is situated." I clean forgot that She was the Divine and She did not need any introduction.

On the 30th May I wrote to the Mother: "I have adored Thee as the Divine Mother for the last 19 years. I do not feel the joy and Ananda that I should feel on seeing Thee. There is some resistance in the being. Strike with thunder this being if need be but let it be transfigured."

The 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st were days of trial and test. The Hostile Forces sent suggestions without number against the divinity of the Mother. But on this point I was adamant; by the Mother's Grace I said, "Whatever suggestions may come, for me the Mother is divine." My constant aspiration was: "O Ma! Grant that I may understand Thee in Thy truest form." When I went to the Samadhi, I prayed: "O Lord! Grant that I may understand the Mother in Her truest form and that my faith in Her divinity may not waver for a moment."

On the 1st June, I was sitting before the photograph of the Mother in Golconde. After Puja was over, I said, "O Mother! I thank Thee for everything Thou hast given me even though I may term it good, bad or indifferent." At this time I felt love for the Mother springing up in the depth of my heart.

The 1st June was the Prosperity Day. The Mother gave me leaves of the plant "New Birth". I was newly born.

When I met P I told him of my difficulty. He said, "The Mother is now dealing with children, so She has adopted the most human form."

On the 3rd June, in the early hours of the day between 1 and 8 a.m., I saw the Mother in Her Divine Form; only Her face and throat were visible and I heard the following words:

"This Mother is the Divine Mother. I have declared it openly in my letters. If you cannot accept Her as the Divine Mother, woe be unto you. Sri Aurobindo."

On hearing these words I asked, "Have I not accepted the Mother as the Divine Mother?" I received the reply: "This is not meant particularly for you, it is a general message."

In those days the Mother gave blessings in the Meditation Hall three times a week. If I am not mistaken, the 3rd June was a Blessings Day. The Mother came down with a dish of flowers in Her left hand. To see the Mother descending was a sight worth seeing even for the gods. It seemed She was coming down with light upon the earth.

She took Her seat on the chair. When my turn came, I stood before Her and what did I see? I saw Her eyes full of love. There was an ocean of Love in them. I decided at once that to understand the Mother one must see Her eyes. If one misses Her eyes, one misses everything.

In 1957 I had asked P to send me the major works of Sri Aurobindo (American Edition) with the Mother's autograph and blessings. But P had sent the same without the Mother's autograph and blessings, saying: "The Mother has no time." So I had taken with me the books for the Mother's autograph and blessings. When I first met him I told him that I had brought the books for the Mother's autograph and blessings. He said, "The Mother has no time." As it was my first meeting with him, naturally I could not press him.

On the 4th June I requested P to get the Mother's autograph and blessings at least on two books. He consented and asked me to give him the books before 4 p.m. I did so. At that time I had no idea how the books would be returned to me. A surprise awaited me.

K had met Champaklalbhai then and Champaklalbhai had said to K that we would be allowed into Sri Aurobindo's room at noon.

At noon we went to the meditation hall on the ground floor. Champaklalbhai was waiting on the stairs. He took us to Sri Aurobindo's room. I felt peace and Ananda descending. My whole body from head to foot thrilled with joy. I made my offering.

The 6th June was the day of my departure. It was also a Blessings Day. We went for the Mother's blessings. When my turn came I offered flowers to Her. She gave me a flower named Psychological Perfection; then She said to Champaklalbhai, "Some books for him." This was a surprise. Nobody had introduced me to Her except on the day of our arrival. How did She know that the person standing before Her was Vallabh and that P had sent books on my behalf for blessings and autograph. I was convinced of Her Divinity. The Mother gave the two books to me with Her autograph and blessings.

As we were leaving Pondicherry at night, we went for the Mother's blessings at about 4 p.m. She came down to go to the tennis ground. She stood near the door of the stairs. I offered Her flowers. She said, "Going?" The word still reverberates in my ears. I placed my head on Her feet for some time. Then I raised it a little. She did not put Her hand on my head. So I raised my head but with no result. The third time I raised my head a little more but still the Mother did not put Her hand on it. I thought, "Will not the Mother put Her hand on my head?" I raised my head still higher for the fourth time. This time the Mother put Her two fingers on my head and pressed it. I felt a current entering my body. I can relive this experience even today.

I had written a letter to D on the 3rd or 4th June. In it I had mentioned my overall impression of the Ashram: "The town of Pondicherry may be properly described as a city of silence. It seems the people have no tongue. What do I find here? Immensity, vastness, wideness, infinitude, silence are pervasive and, above all, there are the Divine Mother and our Lord's Samadhi. If there will be a perfect humanity on earth, it will be in the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. Men and women, boys and girls mix together, play together. Sex, which is the undoing of so many Yogins, has no place here. It seems the Ashramites do not know the name of sex. On everybody's face you find a kind of joy, Ananda, youth and health."

On the 5th June I had written a letter to my uncle to this effect: "I would say this for the present that one would not like to go to Nirvana or Moksha after enjoying the Ashram life."

Part 3

In 1953 I went to Pondicherry with my family. We reached Pondicherry on the 8th May. Most probably it was the Blessings Day. We went to the meditation hall for the Mother's blessings. When my wife's turn came she placed her head in the Mother's lap. The Mother put Her hand on my wife's head and when my wife turned to go the Mother's eyes followed her intently till she disappeared round the corner of M. P. Pandit's room.

The 13th May was my wife's birthday. We all were allowed into the Mother's room. My wife bowed down. The Mother blessed her and gave her a bunch of flowers. Then my son aged 6 stood before the Mother and prostrated himself. The Mother laughed and laughed. It was so charming. Then my eldest daughter stood before the Mother. When the Mother saw her eyes, She exclaimed "Such beautiful eyes!" In the evening also at the Playground we were allowed into the Mother's room. There when my wife was returning after paying her respects to the Mother, her sari got entangled with the knob of the door. The Mother saw it and at once got the sari free from the knob and switched on the light.

How considerate the Mother was!

In 1955 I revisited Pondicherry. This time I put two questions to the Mother.

(1) Whether we can celebrate Ramnavmi, Janmasthmi and the birthdays of Buddha and Christ by placing the photo of the person concerned before those of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and offering flowers to him.(2) Whether we can invite a person not interested in Sri Aurobindo's Yoga to our centre and hear his discourse.

On the day of my departure, while I was on my way to the Ashram in the evening for darshan of the Samadhi, one X met me. He said, "N is looking for you." I met N and asked, "What is the matter?" He said, "Your two questions. Mother says that She has no objection." On hearing this I blurted out, "Mother has no objection even if we die, what I want to know is whether these things can be done." He said, "Personally I believe that these things should not be done."

I had met Nolini Kanta and requested him that as I was going I wanted the Mother's blessings. He told me to come to the Playground at 6 p.m. I went there at 5.45. One K was with me. We met Nolini Kanta. At 6 the Mother came out of Her room. Nolinida took us to the Mother and introduced me to Her. "Vallabh Sheth from Mehsana." I offered flowers to the Mother. She said, "Going?" I bent down and put my head on Her feet. She placed Her hand on my head. I was in front of the Mother, Nolinida on my left and K on my right. Even today I can visualise the scene. The Mother gave me a smile and then went away.

In December 1957 I went to Pondicherry with my family. The 29th December was my birthday. I went to M. P. Pandit on the 28th and requested him to arrange for birthday blessings from the Mother. He asked, "What will you like to have from the Mother?" I said, "A photo and a book of Her choice." He said, "That is not possible, time is short." I had nothing to say. In the noon of the 28th I went to the Ashram building. A note from M. P. Pandit was awaiting me. It said, "The Mother will give you a book of Her choice. The photo also is selected." Naturally I was filled with joy.

The morning of the 29th came. We all went into the Mother's room for blessings. I offered flowers to Her and put my head on Her feet. She put Her hand on my head and then gave me flowers along with the book and photograph of Her choice. I gave the flowers, the book and the photograph to my wife. Then I told the Mother that I wanted to say a prayer. She answered, "Yes!" With folded hands and bended knees I began my prayer. Hardly had I spoken ten to fifteen words when the Mother jerked Her head a little and brought Her eyes on a level with my eyes and looked intensely into them. My soul lay bare to Her gaze. Tears of joy welled up. The Mother continued to look into my eyes till the end of the prayer. I repeated the last sentence of the prayer thrice. When I repeated the second and third time she said, "Yes." The scene is imprinted in memory forever.

In the evening we were allowed into the Mother's room at the Playground. The day was unique in this respect that I was the only person to receive birthday blessings. After entering the room I first of all offered a dish of flowers to the Mother. Before I bent down to put my head on Her feet, the Mother put a question and my soul answered. I put my head in the Mother's lap. She gave me a glorious smile. My soul realised what Sri Aurobindo had said in His book The Mother. While describing the form of Mahalakshmi He wrote:

"...grace and charm and tenderness flow out from her like light from the sun and wherever she fixes her wonderful gaze or lets fall the loveliness of her smile, the soul is seized and made captive and plunged into the depths of an unfathomable bliss."

The Mother's smile cannot be described. One is reminded of Dante's lines:

Quel ch'ella par quando un poco sorride,Non sipo dicer né tenere a manté,Si è novo miracolo e gentile.What she appears when she smiles a little,Cannot be spoken of, neither can the mind lay hold on it,It is so sweet and strange and sublime a miracle.

Then the Mother asked me by signs to spread my handkerchief on Her lap. I did so. She put some toffees in the spread handkerchief. After remaining silent for some time She added some more toffees and then gave the handkerchief to me with a smile. The whole scene is before my eyes even today.

In May 1958 I went again to Pondicherry with my family. My wife was suffering from profuse bleeding. She had become very weak. She walked with difficulty. On the day we reached Pondicherry I saw M. P. Pandit and told him that we would like to pay our respects to the Mother the same day. He asked me to come to the Playground in the evening. We went there and we entered the Mother's room. Up till then I had no talk with my wife. The children first bowed down before the Mother. At this time my wife caught hold of my hand and asked me to tell the Mother about her bleeding and pray for cure. Naturally the Mother looked at me, with questioning eyes. I said, "She is suffering from profuse bleeding and she prays that she be cured." On hearing this the Mother cast a glance on my wife from head to foot. Incredible as it may seem, the bleeding stopped that moment.

The 13th May was my wife's birthday. We all were allowed into the Mother's room. We received Her blessings. On that day I prayed to the Mother for a message in writing.

Some days later Nolinida met me in the Playground and asked me, "How many days are you staying here?" I was surprised at the question. I asked him, "Any wrong movement on our part?" He said, "No, no, you have asked for a message from the Mother. Mother wants to know how many days you will be here." I replied, "Fifteen days or so." Days passed and I did not receive the message, so I thought that the Mother did not think it fit to give me a message. On the 2nd June at about 9 p.m. we were going to our room. We saw the Mother's car coming from the Playground. So we came back and stood near the gate. The Mother came and when She passed by me, She halted for a fraction of a second near me, Her eyes saying, "You will get your message tomorrow." And I got the message on the 3rd June 1958.

In December 1958, I alone went to Pondicherry. At that time the Mother was not coming out or seeing anyone due to ill-health. I was informed that She would be coming out on the 25th December. So I had gone to Pondicherry as my birthday fell on the 29th December. But the expectation did not come true. The Mother did not come out. So I was disappointed and irritated. I met M. P. Pandit near the Samadhi and blurted out, "What is the use of coming over more than 1400 miles if we can't have the darshan of the Mother?" He said, "Her health is our first concern. My brother has come for the first time travelling more than 2000 miles, but I have not prayed to the Mother to give him darshan." I could say nothing. I did not know at that time that my prayer was heard. On the next day, I was standing by the Samadhi at about 1.30 p.m., just opposite the window on the 1st floor. At that time the Mother appeared there and stood there for a minute or two and I had Her darshan.

In May 1959 I went to Pondicherry with my family. My two daughters were in the Ashram. They were to accompany us back to our place. We all were allowed into the Mother's room. The Mother embraced my daughters more than once. It was a sight to see. The Divine embracing the human. Of course we all received blessings of the Mother.

In 1960 one G came to my place with his friend. I thought G must have come for some business. So I asked, "What is the matter?" G placed in my hand a letter. The letter was from the secretary of the Ashram informing G that the Mother was sending blessings to him and he should see me for information about the Ashram. It was satisfying to know that the Ashram authorities considered me a fit person to give information.

There was a gap of ten years and I went to Pondicherry in 1969 with my family. The 13th May was my wife's birthday and we were allowed into the Mother's room. The moment I entered it I became deaf and went blind i.e., I had no ears or eyes for anything else. I saw only the Mother's eyes. Even Her body was not visible. I learnt afterwards that my daughter had a talk with the Mother and that my daughter's son aged 3 had offered of his own accord three paisa to the Mother, saying "Mataji, take this." He had offered all he had. I learnt that the Mother had accepted the child's offering and placed it in a different dish. While we were leaving the Mother's room I came back from the door and prostrated myself before Her. She looked at me with questioning eyes and my soul answered. She smiled and there was a look of approval in Her eyes.

In July 1972 I determined to go to Pondicherry. The moment I resolved, Hostile Forces began their attack. They sent me various kinds of suggestions. "You can't go. You will die, it is no use going," etc. But this time I had resolved for good that, come what might, I was going to Pondicherry for the Mother's darshan.

My wife and I went to my son's place on the 19th December. We were to start for Pondicherry on the 21st December. In the evening of the 20th I was brushing my teeth. All of a sudden, I leaned on my left. My wife and son inquired what the matter was. I could not reply. They caught hold of me and placed me on the bed. After some forty-five minutes I was able to speak. We started on the morning of the 21st for Bombay. We reached Bombay at about 3 p.m. My younger brother had come to receive us. We alighted and boarded a local train. As the place of our destination came near, my brother told me, "Come near the door." I got up and moved towards the door. During this short period a pickpocket relieved me of my wallet. With it went all the money I had taken for my expenses of the trip to Pondicherry. When I became aware of the theft, I laughed. The Mother's grace acted and I did not mind the theft. My poise was not disturbed. We started for Pondicherry on the 24th December from Bombay and reached it on the 26th.

The 29th December was my birthday. We went into the Mother's room.

When my turn came I put my head in the Mother's lap. She looked at me and put a question to my soul. My soul answered. She smiled. At this time Champaklalbhai said to the Mother, "He wants special blessings for progress in sadhana." On hearing this the Mother went into a trance for some minutes, then stretched out Her left hand for a blessing packet. Champaklalbhai gave the packet into Her hand. She gave it to me with a smile and put Her hand on my head. I was overjoyed.

In 1973, on the 17th November, I went to bed at 9 p.m. as is usual with me. In the night I heard some words. I do not remember them all, I remember only the following:

"The Consciousness was centralized in the body. Now decentralized universal working."

I could not understand the meaning then. In the morning of the 18th one D came at about 9 a.m. and told me, "The radio has announced that the Mother withdrew from her body yesterday at 7.25 p.m." Then I understood the meaning of the words that I had heard in the night.

Sri Aurobindo and the Mother can make the dumb to talk, the blind to see and the lame to stride over the hills.