Read Kirankumari's correspondence with The Mother - from 1938 to 1942.
The Mother : correspondence
THEME/S
Born in 1917, Kirankumari Kothari came to the Ashram on 21 November 1935 at the age of eighteen. She lived in the Ashram for seventy-five years, passing away on 24 December 2010.
The Mother put Kirankumari in charge of cleaning and repairing stoves and water-filters. Kirankumari regularly reported to the Mother about her work, mentioning any problems that arose; the Mother’s words of advice and solace form the basis of this correspondence. Kirankumari always ended her reports, “Your daughter, Kirankumari”, and the Mother always wrote, even when she made no comment on a report, “Love and blessings to my dear child”. Entirely in English, the correspondence covers the period from 1938 to 1942.
My loving Mother,
The boy who helps me keeps his clothes in the stove room. It is a very dirty room and there is not much place for the clothes. Can he keep them in the kerosene oil room? U keeps oil there for the Golconde machines. He has no objection.
Yes, it can be done, but you must see that the boy does not take any kerosene away.
Mother, I am very happy with all the works. All my love and gratefulness to you.
Your daughter, Kirankumari
Love and blessings to my dear child
28 November 1938
My sweet Mother,
R asked for one new wind-shield for his stove. His old one was spoilt, but not very much. Still, my assistant M gave him a new wind-shield. I said to him, “Ask Mother first”, but he did not ask. Why, Mother?
Yes, it is always better to ask me first.
22 December 1938
I am again feeling sorry today. I don’t like it but I become sorry. People speak to me and I get angry with them. But Mother, I do not wish to be angry. I feel very sorry afterwards. You must make me very strong, Mother. I cannot control myself, so I become like that.
To do good work regularly you must learn to control yourself and not allow all these moods to overcome you. To do good work you must think only of the work and not of yourself.
23 December 1938
My left hand is a little burnt. I was heating milk and it spilled on my hand. I washed my hand with water, then put some spirit on it. But when M came, he scolded me. He said putting dirty spirit on my hand is bad. He brought a medicine from the dispensary, a yellow-like oil; it is picric acid. M put it on my hand. It is better now.
You must never put water on a burn and spirit also is bad. I am sending you a medicine which you can keep in the stove room and if ever you get a little burnt you must apply it immediately without putting water.
23 January 1939
Today is our cleaning day, so we have cleaned everything. Mother, there is no bird now in the cage; some other things are there in the cage. In the store room is a bag of corn. It is all near the boiler room. To whom shall we give these things?
There is no hurry to give these things away. Some grains can be put in the cage as I see birds entering there for food.
30 January 1939
M said he likes to take a certain boy for machine works. He is a big boy. But it is not necessary for us to keep this boy for stoves. If I get a very small boy, I shall teach him to work with me.
Yes, a young boy will be sent to you. You can try for some time and see if he is able to learn.
1 February 1939
Mother,
Am I not a little strong now? You make me strong and conscious and sincere for your work. My Sweet Mother, all my love and gratefulness to you.
Surely you are becoming stronger.
3 February 1939
I sometimes feel my stomach burning. Some days it burns much. Before when this trouble was there, I wrote to you and it was all right. But now again it is happening. I do not understand it, Mother.
Probably you are not eating enough at mealtime.
10 February 1939
O my sweet, sweet Mother,
In the afternoon, Mother, I felt very sorry. Were you displeased with me? I could not understand. I could not go for work. I very much wished to go, but, Mother, I could not get up from bed.
I was not displeased but I do not want you to get upset by what people say, and I disapprove of quarrels. I do not want to hear about them. I hope you will be quite well by tomorrow.
13 March 1939
Why is one harmonium in our place? A sent it with a chit saying to repair it. But, Mother, our room is no place to keep it. M said, “Keep it and learn music.” But we do not know why it was sent here.
You can send it back saying that you do not know how to repair it.
24 March 1939
I forgot to ask you if you have tasted my pickles?
Not yet because you said to keep them several days.
Papaya you can eat now and also the salt mango and sweet.
I will taste them tomorrow.
20 April 1939
I am well and I am glad for all your flowers. If you took my pickles, Mother, you will tell me how it is.
I tasted the papaya pickles — it is very good.
21 April 1939
I am much better by your blessings and I have worked all day. But today I did not go for Electrolux. I don’t like to walk much. And M told me that women on earth are puny. I am very sorry, Mother. Why does he speak like this? In all other things he is very good. He helps us much. But sometimes he tells like that and I become very sorry.
Why do you mind? You have only not to listen.
3 May 1939
Today P came to me with a hand-fan border to stitch. It is for Sri Aurobindo, she said. B did not give her a machine to do the work, so I stitched it for her, Mother.
You did well.
20 June 1939
A came to give me a chair and told me to make a cushion for it. I was not careful—I made a burn-mark on the chair. Now I must be careful. All people now know, Mother, that I have burnt the chair. In the road many people asked me. I was very ashamed. I am well now, but I am also very sorry. Mother, you make me very careful and conscious.
You need not be sorry but you must be careful.
Love and blessing to my dear child
23 June 1939
H said he knows one small girl who is 12 or 13 years old, a very good girl who can do work with us, if you give permission. But Mother, this girl may be too big. If I get a very small girl, it will be good.
We cannot take servants younger than 12 years old.
26 June 1939
My Mother,
I am feeling ashamed to bother you. I shall not write you much. Only I would like to know if I have done anything which you do not like. It will be a very easy and happy thing for me if you tell me my action which you do not approve. I am very, very unhappy; there is something that is not going well and it is making me more and more unhappy. I fear I may go mad. I mean I have come with a very bad fate.
My dear child,
I am very sorry to hear that you are so very unhappy, but, in truth, I see no reason why you could feel like that. You have done nothing wrong as far as I know and I am not at all displeased with you; on the contrary I have appreciated all the trouble you have taken and all the work you have done and are still doing since C has been unwell. To be unhappy like that you must be sheltering in yourself one out of two undesirable things, or even the two things together. The first one is jealousy, the second is an unsatisfied desire. Anyhow I hope you will soon get over it.
With my love and blessings
2 July 1939
I am well by your grace and blessings. But every day something comes to disturb me. It always comes from something of U. I do not want to care about it at all, Mother, but I am not successful. I feel sorry. But your help is always with me. Mother, make this part of me strong.
Yes, you must learn not to mind all these small things. Love and blessings to my dear child
17 July 1939
I am a little stronger everyday—my whole day is quiet and I try to remember you always. Every day some bad things come, but, Mother, I am always in your protection. I am learning now not to mind these bad things.
Very good; they must not affect you at all.
My love and blessings to my dear child
18 July 1939
You are not giving me anything to type. Give me when there is something.
Yes. You can prepare for me the names of all the women of the ashram, each name on one small chit (it is to pin on the sarees I shall give). You can ask from Nolini or Amrita the list of the women now living in the ashram — about 50 or 52. I need these names tomorrow at 2.30 when I see you.
2 August 1939
Today I cleaned N’s Electrolux refrigerator. She says that Mother once came and said, “Don’t leave the door open” and M also said, “It is not good to keep the door open.” I said, “I have come to clean it. There is much frost inside not yet melted, so I have to open the door.” Then N said, “Don’t take out the fruits.” But, Mother, there was some very bad smell inside — an onion smell or some other thing. I got a headache while cleaning. I was washing the cabinet with soap, but N came again and said, “Do not use soap, use soda.” She did not allow soap. What all this is, Mother, I cannot understand.
It is better to do as she likes because the électrolux is for her own use after all...
I am quite well by your sweet blessings, Mother, but M tells many bad things. I do not go to her for Prasad, so she is very angry with me. I do not care.
Do not mind what she says; it does not matter at all. My love and blessings to my dear child
12 August 1939
I am very glad, Mother, if you will give me something to type.
I am sending you one page of which you will make 3 copies — taking care not to make mistakes and to type very neatly. My love and blessings to my dear child
26 August 1939
You do not give me any other things to type. Mother, give me.
When I shall have something to type I will give it to you.
5 September 1939
N goes out of the house after meditation in the evening on many days. She returns after 9 o’clock — sometimes after 10 when there is music at D’s house. So the big gate door is not closed. I sleep at 9 o’clock — some days at 8.30. But my room is very hot so I keep my door open. My room door is just near the big door. Is this safe, Mother?
It might be better to keep your door closed until N comes back. My love and blessings to my dear child
8 September 1939
I am very sorry because I displeased you. I do not understand all things. I do not want anybody’s help; I only want your help. You make me free from this trouble. I want to do works for you quietly, Mother.
I want you strong and quiet and for that you must not let yourself be troubled by anybody’s behaviour towards you.
3 October 1939
I saw a bad dream last night. Three ladies dead in the Ashram — S, K and another I do not know. I pray, Mother, that such bad things I may not see again. And you give protection to all of them, Mother. Do not be displeased with me for this. I did not wish to see such bad dreams.
Do not worry; dreams are not always true. My love and blessings to my dear child
10 November 1939
Some days I saw in dream my dead mother. It was quite bad, Mother. I did not like it. Yesterday also I saw that I was quarreling with her. She said something and I did not like it. Two years ago I saw my dead aunt in a dream like this. I told you about it, Mother, and by your Grace I did not see her again. For this dream also I am telling you. I have no connection with them, Mother, and she is dead, so I shall not see her any more, Mother.
Yes, this kind of dream must stop.
17 November 1939
P told me to clean his typewriter. Yesterday I did not clean it. Some days ago I cleaned it—not yet one month ago, Mother. Shall I clean it again so soon?
He is working much upon it, so it may require cleaning more often.
18 December 1939
I am very happy by your sweet blessings, my Mother, and by your Grace. Make me completely yours; I am yours, my Mother. You are not giving me anything to type nowadays. Mother, give me.
When there is something I will not forget you.
29 December 1939
I have put a new typewriter ribbon in A’s machine. B and I worked on it. It gave some trouble—at first the ribbon was not moving well. Mother, there are two ribbon wheels on each machine—on each is written RIGHT or LEFT. But with this machine the two wheels are RIGHT. No LEFT wheel. M said I have made a mistake. But no, Mother, I have not changed anything. Before I did this machine, many people were touching it. The market man repaired this machine. This is two or three months ago. Yet always M has a habit of telling me I make a mistake.
Do not mind it!
2 January 1940
I had a very strange dream. It was a pranam day. All the sadhaks were in the meditation hall and one by one they were doing pranam—but not to you, Mother; one lady was sitting in your place. I was quite surprised. P was there. I asked him to whom are they doing pranam? She is a queen of some place, he said, and Mother told us to do pranam to her, so we should. But I did not like it, so I did not do pranam to her. Many people told me to do it, but I did not. They were very displeased with me.
I looked once more at that queen. She was laughing very much when people were making pranam, but it was not like when you smile, Mother. She laughed just like people laugh. Also she was blessing, but it was not like your blessing. When all finished doing pranam, I saw you, Mother. You were standing a little far away and you were smiling, not telling anything to anybody. After that, the lady got up and outside one car came and she went away in that car.
Has it any meaning Mother?
You did quite well to refuse to do pranam to this person.
5 February 1940
I have felt very weak now for some time, but I have no sick trouble. My health is very good by your blessings. I get headache sometimes. And some days, Mother, when I take rest, I find something coming upon me from the head side. I cannot get up then and I feel very afraid. I begin to call you for five or ten minutes; then slowly I can get up.
Why do you get frightened? You must not fear but keep quiet and call me, everything will be all right.
11 April 1940
Since it is war time, to save you expense, S can come to live with me. She and I can live upstairs, A can live downstairs. I told S about this; she was very pleased. Now if you tell A, we can arrange it. Our front room is very good, Mother, so we are thinking like this. It is good, Mother? We shall try to use very less. We will not take many things from the Stores.
It is very good, I approve of the idea. But if A comes in the front room where will you do the stove work?
I shall speak of your proposal tomorrow when I see you. My love and blessings to my dear child
19 June 1940
S is asking when she can come to my room? For her no repair work on the room is necessary. She does not need all the furniture from her room — only the almirah and one box of clothes. A big cot is not necessary; if there is a small canvas cot, it is sufficient.
She can move whenever she wants but must inform Amrita first and speak to H about the cot.
20 June 1940
If somebody throws anything in your house (litter or flowers, etc.), simply pick it up and throw it back into the street through the window, without even looking at the thing.
My love and blessings
24 June 1940
I do not want the servant girl for work at all. If you make it a rule, Mother, people can bring their stove themselves to us and take it back. We shall keep the stove ready, clean and polished. What is needed we shall do, Mother.
We have now stopped giving clothes to a dhobi — we wash them ourselves. Also we do the house-cleaning. We are three people now, Mother, we shall do all this very happily. Mother, you accept my offering; it is not necessary to send this girl.
The girl can be stopped, but I do not find it would be good if everybody came to your house with the stoves; you would be constantly disturbed. I will have the stoves brought here in the garage where you repair the type-writers and from here some arrangement will be made to take them to your place and back here after repair.
3 July 1940
A was telling that she will ask for a servant for half an hour to wash her clothes. She is not very strong. But we can do her works, Mother. All the time she was not well, we washed her clothes. But she does not like this solution. Is a servant for her good, Mother? Our inconvenience will be if the servant comes when we are not at home; a servant coming I do not like at all. If you permit, Mother, we shall manage things ourselves.
You cannot go on washing her clothes but I have said that she must send her clothes to the Laundry for washing, because a servant in the house would be very inconvenient.
5 August 1940
This brush I am keeping for you. I took it from the Stores this month. I took it to the workshop to use there, but M saw it and scolded me very much. “Why you took it? Take another ordinary brush, etc.” Mother, the nail brush we use often for stove work; grease and oil and black dirty things are on it. Our old one is spoilt. Two years ago M first showed us how to use it in U’s house. Now he is scolding us. I did not ask for a good brush; I asked only for a brush. But I will try to manage without the brush, Mother. I do not need it; I am giving it back.
I am returning the brush to you; you must keep it and use it. Why do you listen to what people tell you?
3 December 1940
I am quite well by your sweet blessings and your sweet grace. Make me yours. Make my progress quicker, my Mother. I feel that I am not progressing at all now. My Mother, make myself absolutely open to you, so that I can become one with you. My Mother, time to time I feel very much depression and that I am not making progress. My Mother, make me your child.
What is all this nonsense! Do not worry about that. Everything is going on all right.
With my love and blessings to my dear child
16 December 1940
I do not know what has happened to my body these last two days. It is bothering me. On Monday I could not eat sufficiently as my mouth burnt. Today I was feeling cold and feverish, but that is gone. But, Mother, there is a pain like a little needle pricking in my stomach all day. I have many works to do, but some I could not do. The type-writer work is not done today. I do not like to bother you, Mother, always telling you that I am not well. I felt very much ashamed so I did not tell you. But it is increasing more and more, so I am writing now, Mother. Tomorrow I must be very, very well by your sweet grace and blessings.
Take a big cup of hot milk, it will do you some good. My love and blessings to my dear child
5 March 1941
Tomorrow shall we clean the Ashram filter?
Yes — be careful about the candles and see carefully that they are not broken.
7 September 1942
Series Four—Kirankumari. Kirankumari Kothari joined the Ashram in 1935 at the age of eighteen. The Mother placed her in charge of the cleaning and repair of stoves and water-filters. She regularly informed the Mother of her work by writing reports in notebooks. These reports and the Mother’s comments on them form the basis of this correspondence. It covers the years between 1938 and 1942. The correspondence is in English and is being published here for the first time.
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