The Story of a Soul

28 June 1955

The Mother confirmed this on June 28th:

My child, you ask for a reply, but you are putting no question. To what am I to reply?

Now that you have experienced the Peace and Presence you must keep them by keeping very quiet in your mind. I am always helping you, but it is only when your mind is quiet that you can receive the help.

It is true that I am very busy and during the 2 months of athletics I cannot give interviews so you must be patient. Do not worry, I am not unwell—I am quite all right.

With my love and blessings.

Unfortunately my petty mind was not always quiet and silent. It built and broke numberless images and rambled on endlessly, impatient, restless, unchecked in its domain of reverie. Many a time I brushed away the cobwebs of imagination, but they entwined me yet more securely and made me immobile.

A curious dread had begun to grow amid the chaos of my mental formations. They persisted on the same track, foreseeing a thousand obstacles, setbacks, mishaps, struggles, sufferings, heedless of the effect they were producing on my body. I felt sick, tormented. A flood of memories of my home life, of my girlhood, crowded my head. I turned over in my thoughts all that had happened since that fateful morning when I first met the Mother.

Now I was nervous, scared by so many visible and invisible entities. One frequently does the wrong thing or commits errors simply because one is petrified with subtle fears and varied confusions. In answer to an incoherent letter from me, the Mother wrote:

I told you already several times what is the way, the only way; it is complete surrender. When you came here you said you wanted to give yourself to the Divine, that you wanted the Divine only. But in your brain there were a number of things (not material but emotional) that you wanted from the Divine in exchange. And when you did not get what you wanted, but something else—far superior—that you did not understand, something in your mind and your vital revolted, was dissatisfied and depressed and created all the trouble. Well, now there is nothing else to do but to be sincere to your higher aspiration and not only want the Divine but agree full-heartedly to the Divine Will and give yourself without demands; then and then only you will recover your poise, quietness of mind and happiness. It goes without saying that my full help is with you for that purpose.*

This clarification caused me distress and deep unrest, because I was ignorant about the diverse parts of my whole being, and about true spirituality. Certainly this was no fairytale but a stark reality which I had to confront and counteract at every second. I sent a note to the Mother saying:

My dearest Mother,

Are you really angry with me because of countless errors, defects, and my revolt against the Truth? I am sorry.

Love.

Huta

She assured me:

I am never angry with you and always ready to help you. With all my love and force.

A few lines from the Mother, her sweet smile, her tender touch, solaced me for a moment. But I kept on forgetting her reassurances.

A prolonged psychological stress and strife went on in me. Yet despite my unconsciousness and unwillingness, her Force went on acting in me unfailingly, unceasingly.

I wrote to the Mother:

In case I acquire the divine joy and happiness, I do not wish to have them for myself alone but for the whole world.

She confirmed it:

Yes, I know that.

I was not quite sure whether she had heard my call, even if it had not been sincere. She affirmed:

I always hear your call and answer at once.

But no, I was not convinced of this. The little physical mind doubted everything. I was too opaque to receive and accept anything she bestowed on me. And that was the tragedy.

I wrote a letter to the Mother in French. It is translated in English:

Sweet Mother,

I bow to you.

My Mother! I want four books in French. A dictionary, Lights on Yoga, Prayers and Meditations, and a grammar book.

Mother! Will you please give me the books?

You see I can't write very well in French. The letter contains many mistakes.

With love,

Huta

The Mother replied:

It is not bad at all. There are only two mistakes. Soon it will be perfect.

I will look for a dictionary and a grammar book. I don't have any with me.

My blessings.

She sent me two books in French: Lumières sur le Yoga and Prières et Méditations. I started reading them with Shanti Doshi.