In my life I have known moments of such exceeding sweetness and beauty that they are profoundly anchored in my being. How I would love to hold these in my memory's embrace, to save them in my heart's treasure trove forever! But whether I will be able to, I cannot say. Like the endless waves of the ocean, these memorable divine moments had been lapping the shores of my soul. Then, one day, I finally made up my mind and started noting them down on paper.

I first met the Mother when I was nine, in August of 1942. In that very first darshan of the Mother I felt that She was not human but a goddess come down in a human body, the Divine Mother herself.

On Her instruction, in 1951, I settled down in the Ashram for good. In those days the Mother used to Herself organise all the activities of the Ashram. She thus had a connection with each one of us. We did not do anything Without Her consent. The Ashram was not a very large community then. We felt as if we all dwelt in Her consciousness. At some time or another, for whatever reason, we all had to come into Her physical presence. Thanks to all these opportunities of being physically in Her presence, that first impression of my childhood experience has always remained in focus. I started carefully recording in a notebook any incident that was connected with Her or any words She had spoken, however insignificant they might have been, since they were the utterance of the Divine Mother herself. I shall pick out here from that note-book some of the words She blessed me with. My questions and the Mother's answers have also been recorded faithfully in the form and language that She gave to them. Naturally I had recorded Her answers without specifying at that time the context in which they were given. I have tried to bring these writings alive by setting them in the context of the incident that gave them rise. Wherever I could not quite recollect the precise context I have simply presented the Mother's answers along with my questions.

In this attempt at bringing out in a book some of my life's incidents and the Mother's words of compassion, I have felt deep within me an aspiration accompanying all these moments of my life, be they significant or futile. This book is a testimony of how the Mother took charge of the most ordinary of human beings, made use of their nature's aptitudes, battled with their incapacities and resistances, helping with Her divine force each according to their nature's needs in order to urge us to walk the sunlit path of the New Life. My sadhana, dance, music, teaching and cultural programmes became the occasions for the Mother to work on me and gave rise also to the exchanges I had with Her. It is in these fields that I have experienced the Mother's extraordinarily divine Light and the infinitely healing touch of Her divine consciousness.

This book was first published in Bengali under the title "Sri Mayer Dibya Sannidhye" in 2012 and for the present English edition some additions and minor changes have been made by the author.

(I salute you, O Mother,
            In gratitude intense.
    In my life may You radiate
                Your peerless Presence.

The Mother)

(Written by the Mother in answer to a birthday poem I sent Her)

Sri Aurobindo And The Mother

Let me start by telling you when and how Sri Aurobindo and the Mother entered our Calcutta house as Guru.

I belonged to a very old well-established family of Calcutta. The large Mitra house was situated in the northern part of the city right from the time of the British occupation. My family was traditional Hindu. The house had spacious courtyards, a large veranda for Durga Puja and a smaller'Puja -room' (a prayer room) for Narayan. Every morning and evening a priest used to come to conduct the worship of the 150-year-old Narayan 'shila' (stone). This might give you some idea of the Mitra household. Quite naturally, these regular pujas to Narayan rendered the atmosphere of the house very special. My mother, the late Ashalata Mitra, who ran the household, was a very devout woman. She had met several religious masters, she had even taken initiation but she hadn't found in any of the gurus the deity of her heart's adoration. She also worshipped Narayan, our family deity. But somewhere there was a great emptiness in her although she herself might not have been aware of it. Her life rolled on in a semblance of outward happiness. Then the month of August arrived in the year 1940. Chhot-da, my third brother, passed away on 15^th August of typhoid. I was very small then.

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I did not quite understand what death was all about. It is in my mother that I saw what death meant, felt its dreadful impact. Ma had always been rather reserved and quiet by nature. After Chhot-da' s passing Ma became even more silent and withdrawn. She did not either speak or laugh or even cry. Just like a still white marble figure. She walked and worked around the house but in listless silence. Naturally we were all saddened seeing Ma in that state. But what could we do except accept destiny. Baba and both my elder brothers were extremely worried. My eldest brother Arun thought a Visit to some ashram would do Ma some good. That is why towards the latter part of 1940, Dada took Ma to the ashram of Sri Balananda Giri in Deogarh for a few days. Balananda was then very well-known as a realised soul and a spiritual master. He had numerous disciples and Ma seemed happy in the atmosphere of his ashram. After staying there for a few days Ma felt within a desire to receive initiation from Balananda Giri. One day she found an opportunity to tell him about her secret wish. He told Ma (I have heard this from my eldest brother), "Ma, I cannot give you any initiation. You will receive initiation from one who is the guru of the world. One day you will meet this guru."

After this incident they stayed for a few more days at Balananda Giri's ashram and then returned to Calcutta. Life returned to its routine. There was no changein Ma's condition. One felt silence had en-wrapped her once again.

A few days after Ma and Dada's return from Deogarh, a neighbour of ours named Ajit-da came to our house for some work connected with my brother. After finishing his work he came and sat down with Ma and began speaking to her about Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. After speaking about their Ashram for quite some time, he turned to Dada and said, "Arun, why don't you take Jethima to Pondicherry.? Who knows, she might feel better in the Ashram atmosphere." All of us, brothers and myself, were very impressed by what Ajit-da had told us about Pondicherry. Probably this is why Dada turned to Ma very spontaneously and asked, "Will you go

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to Pondicherry, Ma? 15^th August is Sri Aurobindo and the Mother's darshan. A lot of people go there on this occasion. If you agree, I can write to the Ashram for permission and you, Ajit-da and I, we can go for a Visit." Ma consented at once!

So in 1941, Ma and Dada went to Pondicherry for the August darshan. They saw the Mother and Sri Aurobindo and after spending a few days there returned to Calcutta. We were all stunned to see Ma. What a sea-change! We found our old Ma once again, calm, affectionate and focussed. Though she spoke little, she was up and about once more and fulfilled her household duties devotedly. Ma's face and eyes had begun to glow with a marvellous serenity after her return from Pondicherry. After coming back to Calcutta, Ma hung two large pictures of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother in our bedroom. We noticed that every day Ma wouldplace some flowers in front of the photographs, pray by lighting incense and oil-lamps and bow down to them. Following her example we children also began bowing down to them. Then, one day, I told Dada, "Ma has changed so much after going to Pondicherry, hasn't she.? How did this change happen?" Dada began recounting to me in detail their Pondicherry visit. Dada had an extraordinary flair for narration. I became totally absorbed in his descriptions. "You know, my dear," Dada began, "the Mother blesses all the Ashram residents every morning. Thishappens in a large room called the Meditation-hall. There the Mother sits in a chair and a sadhak stands next to Her holding a big tray of flowers. When the Mother has blessed the person in front of Her, his work is to hand Her a flower that She gives to him. The sadhaks and sadhikas stand in a long line along with Visitors from outside and come in front of the Mother one after another and accept the flower from Her. After giving the flower, the Mother concentrates for a few seconds by looking into the eyes of the person. Then She moves Her eyes away and it signals the next person's turn. Every day one can see the Mother and get Her blessing in this way. On reaching the Ashram, Ajit-da, Ma and I joined

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the line for this darshan. Ajit-da was in front, Ma behind him and I was behind Ma. We came and stood in front of the Mother. Ajit-da received the Mother's blessing first. Then moving a little to the side he brought Ma forward and told the Mother, 'Sweet Mother, this is Mrs Ashalata Mitra and behind her is her eldest son, Arunendranath Mitra.' At once the Mother stretched out both Her hands and held Ma's and placed them on Her lap. Then She smiled her sweet divine smile looking into Ma's eyes. Ma told the Mother in Bengali that she had lost her youngest son on 15th August last year. There was a great sadness in her heart and she was unable to feel at peace. The Mother called me near Her and enquired if we had any photograph of my youngest brother. I replied to the Mother that I would bring his photograph the following day at darshan time. The Mother kept holding Ma's hands on Her lap. Then She told me in English, 'Tell your mother that I have received her son. He is now with me and he is fine. Your mother should not worry or feel sad about him. He is with me.' After saying this the Mother held Ma's hands and looked into her eyes for a while. Then She placed Her right hand on her forehead, closed Her eyes and remained still. After some time, She opened Her eyes and with her endearing Mahalakshmi smile offered Ma and me a flower and then blessed us. We returned home after this. You know, dear, this is how the maharishis and great spiritually powerfull gurus remove human sorrow and suffering. The Mother did the same with our Ma's pain. After all, She is the mighty divine Mother! Her Grace and divine touch changed our Ma.She was born anew." I listened mesmerised to all these stories about the Mother and the Ashram from Dada's mouth. This was our first contact with Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. All this time we had been worshiping our family deity Narayan. This was the first time that all of us consciously accepted Sri Aurobindo and the Mother as our Gurus, even though my second brother Robi and I had not yet had Their darshan.

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Longing For Pondicherry

August of 1942 was around the corner. Ma called Dada and said, "I would like to go to Pondicherry for the darshan." It was decided that my second brother Robi would accompany Ma this time. But I too wanted to go to Pondicherry, I went on insisting. I kept repeating this to Ma. I was not even nine then and going to school. Baba refused to let me miss school in order to go to Pondicherry. He was a stern man and once he made up his mind he was inflexible. It was simply impossible to make him change his decision. Day and night, I kept pestering Ma about my desire to go to Pondicherry. We were at the beginning of July. Ma and my second brother Robi had to write a letter to the Mother seeking permission to go. I went to Baba and holding his hand, pleaded, "Baba, I want to go to Pondicherry with Ma." Baba was getting ready to go out and did not answer. He went out of the room and began scolding Ma, "You are the one spoiling this girl! This little girl no older than nine wants to go to Pondicherry 1300 miles away! She is not bothered about school or her studies, she just wants to go to Pondicherry!" And saying this he angrily walked out. I ran up to the second floor terrace and began to cry.

A few days passed by. I used to sleep with Ma in those days. One night, I dreamt that I was standing all alone on the vast shore of an ocean. A European woman dressed in a long white gown but with her long hair open like an Indian's, was swimming towards the horizon. From time to time she turned around and beckoned me to join her. I said to myself, "How can I join her? I cannot swim!" And just then I woke up. I told Ma about my dream the following day. I also told her that the European woman's face resembled the Mother's in the photograph in our room. I felt it was the Mother who was swimming towards the horizon and calling out to me behind. Ma was very happy to hear my dream and hugging me close to her, she said, "The Mother is calling you. Who can stop You then?" And that is what truly happened. Baba changed his decision inexplicably. Maybe my dream had something

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to do with it but I do not remember why he changed his mind. So Ma, my brother Robi and I left for Pondicherry for the August darshan. This was to be our first darshan.

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Our First Darshan Of The Mother

On 9^th August of 1942, the three of us, my brother, Ma and I, reached Pondicherry. It was necessary to get permission from the Mother for Sri Aurobindo's and Her darshan. In those days the Ashram was not a large community and even the visitors who came from outside for darshan were not very many. Nothing like today. The Ashram made arrangements for the Visitors' accommodation only after the Mother had given permission for attending the darshan. A sadhak named Yogananda would fetch the visitors from the station and accompany them to their assigned place of accommodation. If the visitor was coming for the first time, he would also explain the other organisational details and help in the other necessary arrangements for the Dining Room coupon, etc. That year, we were provided accommodation in the ground floor of a two-story house behind the Governo's House. Amiyo-da, his mother, his brothers and sisters used to stay on the upper floor

In the evening, after our bath, we got ready to go to the Ashram. Yogananda had already informed us that the Mother's darshan took place in the evening. But we forgot to ask him about the exact time. Evening had set in when we came out of the house. I was most eager to have a glimpse of the sea and asked my brother if we could go by the sea-front to the Ashram. On my insistence he agreed. Ma, my brother and I were walking along the sea when we passed by a fountain spewing coloured water in a place called 'Selva Park'. I had never seen such a beautiful fountain. The glass tubes in different forms and shapes had different coloured water inside them and the shapes were of a bird, a kitten and even a mouse! Admiring this wonderful sight, I did not realize how much time I had

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stood there. When we became conscious of the late evening, we at once got out of the park and started hurrying towards the Ashram. Obviously, Ma and my brother had urged me a number of times to come out and proceed to the Ashram but my child's heart was so absorbed in watching this marvellous fountain that I kept detaining them by saying, "Just a little bit more!" But now it was quite late. In those days, the sea-front was not what it is today. There was no concrete pavement, there was no raised parapet along the sea, just sand all along. The lane for cars was filled with stones and pebbles and made walking difficult. But since we had been delayed we somehow managed to walk over this stone-filled road and reached the Ashram gate. There was a light burning above the main gate. I noticed a gentleman coming out with a big pot of flowers. Later found out that it was Champaklal-ji's brother, Bansidhar-ji. My brother asked him, "Could you kindly tell us what time the Mother's darshan is?" He replied, "The Mother's darshan? But that ended a long time ago!" And saying this he walked away. My brother turned towards me and started scolding me. I had made them miss their first day's darshan of the Mother! We still went into the Ashram. Ma said she wanted to go and talk a little to the Ashram secretary Nolini-da and urged us to follow her. This was Ma's second trip to Pondicherry and so she knew Nolini-da. We entered Nolini-da' s room and bowed down to him. My brother asked Nolini-da about the Mother's darshan. Nolini-da replied, "The darshan got over a long time back. Come back tomorrow." We came out of the Meditation hall. My brother's face looked grim and I felt miserable because of his scolding. Then all of a sudden, a sadhak (later I was to find out that he was Champaklal-ji) called out from the Meditation hall staircase, "Is there anyone who has not had the Mother's darshan?" My brother excitedly exclaimed, "Yes, we haven't had the Mother's darshan!" "Hurry up. then, Champaklal-ji urged us. The Mother is waiting." And he turned around and went up the stairs. That day I did not know who Champaklal-ji was but later on he became very affectionate towards me. Hardly had we heard his words that

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we began climbing the stairs on the double! We reached the landing (where today is hung the message 'Cling to Truth') and from there I could see, standing on the last step above us near a door, a heavenly goddess! I had never seen anything like this before! She was wearing a white silk sari and her head was covered like a married Indian woman's. A diamond crown glittered on her head. How beautiful Her face looked and her complexion was the colour of a pink rose! Her divine smile was indescribable! This was the Mother I had seen in my dream in Calcutta! With that marvelous smile of Hers She stretched out both Her arms towards me. I ran up the stairs and fell at the Mother's Feet. Like soft lotus were her rose-coloured Feet! How long I remained with my head on those Feet, I do not recollect. Then the Mother raised me up with both Her hands. Then. . ..then She lifted my chin and kissed me on my forehead! I have no memory of what happened afterwards or how I came down. My memory is an utter blank. I just know that I was to be blessed with many more darshans of the Mother but the grace of that first darshan, that kiss on my forehead, that first exchange of looks, that experience will remain to me most significant. Perhaps on that day, at that very instant, I had received my initiation from the Mother.

The next morning all three of us returned to Nolini-da. Before we could say anything, he said, "So, finally you had the darshan. The Mother was waiting for you. Ma asked Nolini-da, "How did this happen, Nolini-da? Did She know that we were going to come?" Nolini-da replied, "Of course, the Mother knew! Champaklal told me this morning that sometimes even after the Mother's darshan is over, She does not go in for Her dinner. She simply stands and waits there. That is when Champaklal comes down to enquire if anybody has not had Her darshan. Yesterday, Champaklal came down thrice to find out if anybody had missed Her darshan. Only then did he report to Her that everyone had had the darshan. Even after that, the Mother did not go back in. Champaklal observed that in such cases there was inevitably someone or the other who had been waiting for Her darshan." We were all

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stunned to hear this. Ma's eyes welled up with tears and she said, "Indeed, how very fortunate we are, Nolini-da!" I was standing on Nolini-da's left. Stroking my head with his hand he said in a voice brimming with tenderness, "It is nothing but Grace!"

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The Evening Meditation

It was 10^th August of 1942. We came to know from Nolini-da that the Mother came and stood on the terrace above Dyuman-bhai's room at around 6.15 in the evening. The Ashramites gathered in the courtyard below and had the Mother's darshan. She meditated there for a few minutes and the Ashramites also joined in. This time there was no question of lingering anywhere and we arrived at the Ashram gate well in time. There was a sadhak on duty at the gate. On seeing us enter, he asked, "Does the little girl have permission to go for the meditation?" Ma replied, "No, she doesn't. We have arrived recently, so we don't know the procedures of the Ashram." "Then, leave the girl at the gate and you two can go inside. See that you get the Mother's permission for her tomorrow." Ma took me outside and told me very affectionately, "Today, you wait here. We'll join you after the meditation. Tomorrow we'll get permission for you so that you too can come with us for the Mother's darshan." Leaving me at the Ashram gate, Ma and my brother went back inside. I stood there all alone, my eyes filled with tears. After the meditation, Ma and my brother returned and stood beside me at the gate. Seeing me cry, Ma said, "Let's go and see Nolini-da right away and ask him what should be done to get you in for the meditation." All three of us went straight to Nolini-da to ask him about the evening meditation. Nolini-da explained, Little children need the Mother's permission for joining the meditation. 1 will ask Her. Come back tomorrow afternoon at 3. I will give you Her answer then."As decided we turned up at his doorstep at 3. Nolini-da replied, "The Mother has asked Shobha to

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stand next to Ashalata just in front of Dyuman's room. The Mother will come and stand above Dyuman's room and after seeing Shobha will inform tomorrow if she is truly capable of attending the evening meditation."

That evening we went and stood in front of Dyuman-bhai's room a little before 6.15. The courtyard was almost full. The sky was aglow with the light of the setting sun. The sadhaks and sadhikas dressed in white waited in absolute silence. Just a couple of crows cawing in that tranquil air. My eyes were totally focussed on the terrace. The sky was flooded with gold and through this golden light the Mother slowly came out to the front of the terrace. filled my eyes with the Mother. The Mother was also watching me. The sky behind Her was awash with light as if someone had spilled the colours of Holi. And against that backdrop the Mother looked splendid! As if the Divine goddess had come down from heaven to give us a glimpse. My eyes did not blink, so engrossed was I in enjoying that sight. I had completely forgotten that, in fact, I was standing there for a test. The Mother was to observe me and decide if I was ready to participate in this evening meditation. As soon as the Mother appeared three gongs were sounded. The Vibration of those gong-sounds in that evening hush created an other-worldly atmosphere. The meditation started. I was too young to know what meditation was so I went on simply staring at the Mother. Some time went by. All the people who had gathered in the courtyard were either meditating with the Mother or looking at Her. After a while the Mother opened Her eyes. She surveyed each and everyone in the entire courtyard, as if through that Visual contact She was blessing them all. Then, before going back, She turned around an sweetly smiled at me. Slowly, She retreated back to Her room. After Her departure everyone proceeded towards the gate in uninterrupted silence. Nobody felt like speaking in that hush of evening silence left by the Mother. I had never seen such total immaculate silence in the midst of so many people in Calcutta.

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The following morning, I went to Nolini-da to get the Mother's answer. He announced the good news that She had graciously allowed me to participate in the evening meditation!

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The Mother Watches My Dance

While I was living in Calcutta, I was learning music and dance. In fact, music had been very much a tradition right from my grand-uncle, Beharilal Mitra's time. I had always noticed some very old musical instruments at home, like the pakhawaj, the esraj which spoke of a living tradition of music in the family. The memories I have of childhood are of sitting on Baba's lap and learning to sing. Baba had some grounding in music and my brothers also sang. After hearing my voice, when I was a little older, Baba enrolled me in a music school named 'Sangeet Sansad'. It was a very big school and boys and girls of diff erent ages used to study vocal music there. They taught classical music, different folk styles of Bengal, devotional songs, etc. The teachers were very knowledgeable and meticulous. Thanks to their attitude, my own attitude to music had been imbued with love and reverence. Because of this passion for music, I was able to bring back with me When I came to settle in the Ashram quite a collection of raga-raginis and various types of Bengali songs like songs of Tagore, Nazrul, Atulprasad, Ramprasad, Kirtans and many folk-style songs, and these proved to be of great help in my later life.

I used to learn Kathak in Calcutta from Gopal-da, a student of the renowned dancer Shambhu Maharaj. After learning Kathak from his guru, Gopal-da had opened a dance school in Calcutta. My family, as I said earlier, was quite conservative. The head of the family could not even imagine that girls of good families would learn to dance. Seeing my great interest in dance, Baba offered to pay Gopal-da more and requested him to teach me at home. He agreed and I began my Kathak

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lessons. After a few lessons, Gopal-da was very happy with my progress and told Baba and Dada about it.

I returned to Pondicherry with Ma in 1943. On reaching, I felt very strongly that I should show the Mother my dance. I expressed my wish to the sadhaks of the Ashram I was familiar with and requested them to help me realise it. However, they all discouraged me. Shailen-da even got angry, "What's wrong with you, Shobha.? The Mother has nothing better to do than watch you dance.? Don't you know how busy She is? The whole responsibility of the Ashram is on Her shoulders!" His words hurt me deeply. I was extremely pained and did not bring up this topic again with anyone. But I was a little girl, after all, just 10 years old then! The wish remained in my heart. One day, as I was getting into the Dining Room with Ma and Dada, we met Nolini-da and Amrita-da coming out. I spontaneously ran up to him, held his hand and blurted out, "Nolini-da, I want to dance and sing before the Mother!" Nolini-da patted my head and tenderly replied," I'll tell the Mother about it. Come and see me tomorrow afternoon. I will give you Her answer." I was thrilled as I went in to have my meal. I didn't tell anyone anything. As I sat down to eat, my heart began to beat fast. I was convinced that the Mother would say no. Then why was I so insistent? I remembered Shailen-da's words, "The Mother has nothing better to do than watch you dance?" My whole day passed full of foreboding.

The following afternoon, as instructed by Nolini-da, I went to see him. He was working at his desk. As soon as I entered, he raised his head and looked at me, "Come, Shobha, come. The Mother has said she will see your dance." And in a voice full of tenderness, he added, "She will also listen to you sing. Don't make it too long. Take 15 to 20 minutes for both. The Mother will come to the Balcony to see you dance. Do you know Mridu? (Mridu-di's house was situated opposite the Balcony - now the house has been renovated and is known as "Prasad House".) You will dance at the entrance to her house. If you open both the doors of her entrance, you will have enough space to dance. Begin with two songs and then do

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your dance. Just make sure that it is not too long because the Mother will be watching you from Her balcony standing!" I was overcome with happiness and I fell at Nolini-da's feet. Nolini-da blessed me placing his hand on my head, "We'll also come to see you dance!"

After informing Ma and my brother, I ran to the Balcony street. I knocked on Mridu-di's door and checked out the 'stage' on which I was to dance. Standing there I decided on the songs and dance I would present to the Mother. Nolini-da had informed Ma and Dada not to tell anyone about the Mother's coming to the Balcony. Accordingly we kept mum.

The next day arrived! I still remember that little Shobha's face. I was in a very strange mood, as though I was going to perform a " puja'. As I mentioned earlier, right from my very first darshan I had seen and felt the Mother to be divine. And today I was going to dance in front of my Deity! The Mother was supposed to come to the Balcony at 9.15 in the morning. The three of us arrived at Mridu-di's house well ahead of time. Mridu-di had already opened the doors, cleaned the place and lit some incense. Along with Mridu-di , we stood there waiting for the Mother. My costume and make-up was very simple. I had put on a very ordinary frock for the dance and for my singing I only had my voice with no accompanying instrument. Exactly at 9.15, the Mother appeared at the balcony. Mother was flanked by Pavitra-da on Her right and Nolini-da on Her left. On seeing the Mother, we at once bowed down to Her with folded hands. The Mother signalled to me to begin. I started with my songs. I do not remember now what I sang. After that I danced. When the dance ended, She smiled very sweetly. I walked very close to the balcony, and with folded hands filled my eyes with Her to my heart's content. The Mother leaned forward to look at me and with a beautiful loving smile said, "It was good". Then She went back into the room.

The Mother's coming to the Balcony to see a little girl dance in spite of her extremely busy schedule must have been

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a most extraordinary event in the Ashram's history! Nobody except Nolini-da and Pavitra-da came to know about it. As a child, I could not quite fathom the meaning of such an unusual event. But today, as I sit and write about this, I realise its profound significance. The experience of that day unrolls before my eyes as in a film and I am overwhelmed thinking about the Mother's unbelievable compassion for the little ones.

The following incident happened a few days after the Mother's witnessing my dance. I refer to it because it was to influence the future work in the Ashram that the Mother was to assign to me. Nolini-da had clearly instructed us not to mention this to anyone and so we did not. But Ma and Dada blurted out in conversation to some people that I used to learn dance and music. There was a request from the Ashramites we knew, to organise one day a small programme of dance and music at home after dinner. It was decided that after the Mother's evening darshan and dinner at the Dining Room, the people would come to our house. It must be remembered that Ashram life in those days was quite different. In 1943, there was no school yet, no Playground, there was no Samadhi. There were no cultural programmes then. The Dining Room used to open very early for dinner, probably just after the Mother's evening darshan. I am not so sure if the meditation and darshan of the Mother I witnessed in 1951 existed in 1943. However, I recollect that after the Mother's terrace darshan and dinner at the Dining Room, we all gathered at our house.

Mats were spread in the centre room and the guests sat down. I started with a song. After the song I began my dance. Just as I was dancing I noticed an ochre silk-robed gentleman wearing an ochre cap, gold-rimmed glasses and a 'rudraksha' garland around his neck, enter the room. "I've come to watch Shobha dance," he said softly smiling. "Go on, Shobha, begin again." Kavi Nishikanto who was among the spectators told me that he was the well-known singer, Dilip Kumar Roy. I bowed to him and once again took up my song. Dilip-da was very pleased with my song and my dance

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and told Ma, "Bravo! Shobha sings very well indeed! It isn't easy to sing without any musical accompaniment, just on the strength of the voice. I will teach her music. Send her to my house." Ma informed Dilip-da that we were not permanent residents of the Ashram but came for darshan from time to time. Dilip-da replied,"Then, whenever you come here for darshan, send her to me. I will teach her." So my grooming under Dilip-da started. From the following year, whenever I came to Pondicherry for a few days, I would learn from Dilip-da. Sometimes, it was a new 'taal', sometimes a song in a new 'taal', sometimes a song composed by Dilip-da himself or by his father Dwijendralal Roy, etc.

When I began going to Dilip-da's house for lessons in 1944, I found out that he used to organise music sessions at his house every evening. We too became regular invitees to these. Let me tell you a little story in this context. The atmosphere in the Ashram in those days was very serious and disciplined. There were practically no cultural programmes. Perhaps that is why music-loving Ashramites used to go to Dilip-da's house for listening to vocal music. One day I went to one such programme. I went and sat right in front facing Dilip-da. The famous humourous songwriter Nolini Kanto Sarkar was sitting on Dilip-da's right, accompanying him on the tabla. To my left, in a corner of the room, stood a beautiful statue of Krishna playing the flute. Dilip-da was deeply absorbed in a Hindi devotional song about Sri Krishna. He was calling out to Krishna so intensely that little Shobha kept looking at the statue on her left as she felt that any moment Krishna would leap out from the statue!

As I was learning classical and other forms of vocal music in Calcutta, I never felt that Dilip-da had any kind of problem to teach me music during those 10-15 days of my sojourn in Pondicherry. When I came and settled in the Ashram for good, With the Mother's approval, I received other opportunities to continue my musical education. Of course I did not learn all that I could have from Dilip-da because he left Pondicherry to settle somewhere else. However, I remain extremely grateful

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to him for everything that I managed to learn from him right from my childhood. Dilip-da was a seeker of music and his whole life was suffused with music and with Sri Krishna.

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Darshan of Mahadeva

We returned to Calcutta after the August darshan in 1943. I was no doubt very young but Sri Aurobindo and the Mother's darshan had changed something very deep within me. In Calcutta, it was my responsibility to organise the puja for Narayan at home before I left for school. After returning from Pondicherry this time I began waking up very early, almost at the same time as Ma. After the bath, I would go up to the second floor to prepare the puja to Narayan. All around it was still quite dark and misty and daylight was just dawning then. One day, after my morning bath when I reached upstairs to prepare for the Narayan-puja, I opened the terrace-door. At once I felt the early morning breeze caress my face. I went out on to the terrace. The morning hush prevailed and the neighbours were still fast asleep. I started pacing up and down the long rectangular terrace and it felt marvellous. Dada's room was at the end of the terrace and he was still asleep. I was looking towards his room when I noticed a person with matted locks, wearing a tiger-skin around his waist, carrying a trident in his right hand, approaching towards me. His face was not quite clear. Seeing him move towards me I was filled with fear. I rushed to Narayan's room and shut the terrace-door. My whole body was shivering. I sat quietly in Narayan's room for a while and wondered, 'Was I dreaming? Or had I truly seen this figure? What could I do? Who could I call?' Naturally I could not make the preparations for the puja. I came downstairs but I was still trembling. I went and told Ma about the whole incident and as I was telling her, Mahadeva's hazy face emerged before my eyes. Ma told me to write about it in detail to the Mother. So I sent a letter through Nolini-da to the Mother recounting this incident

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and requesting Her blessing. A few days later I received a letter from Nolini-da:

Dear Shobha,
I told the Mother about your darshan of Mahadeva. The Mother said, "There is some truth in her vision."

The doubt that was gnawing at my heart - was it a dream or was it real - disappeared. There's another thing I would like to add. If there was a Deity that I had loved or worshipped before having the darshan of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, it was Mahadeva or Shiva. Perhaps that was why He had appeared to me in this subtle Vision.

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In The Clutches Of Bhairavi

After my first coming to the Ashram in 1942, we started coming to Pondicherry once or twice almost every year. In 1945, we came to Pondicherry in the month of February. One day I went for the Mother's darshan. She was sitting in the Meditation Hall and blessing everyone. As soon as I arrived in front of Her, She placed a bright red rose in my hand and said, "Always keep this rose close to your body." I returned home and told Ma about the flower. Ma said, "Keep the rose carefully. In Calcutta I will make you a locket to attach to your gold necklace. Keep the rose petals inside this locket and in this way the flower will always remain close to your body." Accordingly, on our return, Ma got a locket made and put the dried flower petals of that red rose inside it and from then I wore this locket on my gold chain all the time. The Mother had given me the rose in February. The incident with Bhairavi took place that year in December. I was not able to come back to the Ashram in between.

That year for the New Year's holiday, we had gone to Balthazar. A beautiful house, named Lalkuthi, had been rented for our stay there. From the gate a pathway paved with small stones led to it with rose gardens on either side, bursting with

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innumerable roses of different hues. I had never seen suchbig attractive roses anywhere in Calcutta! Their fragrance and beauty completely transformed the atmosphere of the house. I continued to wake up early as I did in Calcutta. I would go out all by myself to a Krishna temple nearby and sit there quietly. In those days Balthazar. had not been touched ye by the urban air and had a charming rural feel. Tigers were reported to enter that area from time to time and attack the residents. In the morning, the air used to be absolutely still and no villagers or animals were up and about yet. I loved going to the temple at this time. I would open the temple door, ring the temple bell loudly and enjoy its sound reverberating in the quiet air.

One such morning, putting on my overcoat and cap, I walked up to the temple. Hardly had I entered and rung the temple bell that a Hindi-speaking priest came out. Seeing me there, he asked affectionately, "Little girl! What would you like to eat today?" "Shin agar and Lebbie!" I replied. The priest told me in broken Bengali, "You sit here. I will quickly go and get you breakfast." And he disappeared. Slowly I climbed up the few stairs and arrived at the Krishna temple. The whole temple and the corridors around it were constructed with white marble. Inside stood a beautiful statue of Sri Krishna wearing a golden silk dhoti and his upper body covered with a golden cloth. He was adorned with gold and pearl ornaments and he held his flute. The temple inside was decorated with roses and marigolds and the air was fragrant with incense smoke. I bowed down to the deity with folded hands, sat at his feet and tried to meditate. I just loved this whole ambience. I had heard this word 'meditation' very frequently at the Pondicherry Ashram. So I kept looking at Sri Krishna's statue in an attempt to meditate. I sat in this silence for a while. Then suddenly I feltas though someone was pulling me from behind. There was a room behind the sanctum sanctorum that I had never noticed or entered. Today, something was pulling me towards it. This pull was so strong that I could not remain seated for long. I stood up and started walking towards it. I walked down three

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or four steps and found myself in front of a large courtyard. This room was behind this courtyard. Something kept pulling me towards it although I knew nothing about who or what it was. But I kept walking irresistibly towards it. The priest had not returned yet and I was all alone. After crossing the courtyard, I saw another flight of stairs in white marble on the other side. I climbed up and found myself in front of a closed room. There was a half-open window on the right and from it wafted out the aromatic smoke of sacrificial fires. Curiosity took over as I moved closer to the window to see who or what was inside. I went and stood near this window to peep in. A Bhairavi was sitting inside at the opposite end, wearing a red bordered sari and a red blouse. Long, jet-black hair covered her back. The entire parting of her hair was filled in with bright red sindoor. The bhairavi's big red eyes had a terrifying look. She gave me a piercing look as soon as she saw me at the window. And the next moment, I saw her standing outside holding a small bowl of sacrifcial ghee (clarified butter). The woman kept advancing towards me wanting to apply the sacrificial ghee on my forehead. She dipped her thumb into the bowl and moved nearer and nearer towards me. I tried to run away but I felt both my legs fixed to the ground. My legs had become heavy like two columns: was it out of fear or was it from the bhairavi's hypnotic effect, I cannot say. I just could not walk! What was I to do? I was quite conscious of the danger I was in, but the body, cold with fear, was just not able to move. Both my hands were in my overcoat pockets. I forced my hands out and grabbed the locket hanging from my neck and began calling out to the Mother desperately 'Ma... Ma. . .Ma. . .Ma. . .' I was calling Her out with the same intensity that a dying man calls out to God with. . .Ma. . .Ma. . .Ma. . .Ma! I do not recollect how long I kept calling the Mother like that with closed eyes. When I returned to a somewhat normal state I realized that the bhairavi had begun retreating. Her eyes no longer had that fiery dreadful look. Her right hand Was shaking uncontrollably as she had been unable to apply the sacrificial ghee on my forehead. She had not been able to

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even touch me! All of a sudden, she turned her back to me and rushed back into the room, closing the door behind her with a clanging sound. I remained on my feet in that state for some time. Then I noticed that I could move my legs a little although my body felt totally drained out. I felt quite listless. However, I managed to slowly plod out of the temple Walking felt like a torture but somehow I managed to reach home. I rushed straight to my mother and fell into her arms, and then I passed out! I heard later from Dada that I had come into the room uttering 'Bhairavi. . .Bhairavi. . .Bhairavi. . .' and had lost consciousness in Ma's arms. When I came to, I noticed that Ma was sitting beside me and applying cold pads on my forehead. Dada and some other people of the house were standing around us. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw Dada come near me and patting my head, ask tenderly, "My darling Khuku, what happened to you?" I hugged my brother and exclaimed, "Dada, bhairavi!" I am told that I did not allow Ma or Dada to leave me alone for the whole day. The very next day, Dada sent a telegram to the Mother, "Shobha very unwell. Pray for your blessing."

That day, the priest of the temple came to Lalkuthi and requested Dada very insistently to take me once to the temple. Bhairavi was in the throes of death and was vomiting blood. She desired to see me just once. Dada just refused to let me go although at that time nobody in the house was even aware about what had happened, what I had gone through in the temple. But Dada had guessed that my state had something to do with this bhairavi. So in a forceful manner he threatened the priest,"I will get both you and the bhairavi arrested by the police tomorrow! What have you done to this little girl that she has been reduced to this state? Tell me what have you done? What?" With folded hands the priest pleaded, "Babu, I swear I know nothing! I had gone to get some breakfast for the little girl. When I returned I did not find her! The bhairavi was screaming away inside. I went in to check and I saw her wailing and shouting 'that girl...that girl'. Babu, shall I tell you something? The bhairavi is going to die and if she curses

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the little girl before dying, it will be very bad for her. That's why I am begging you to get the little girl just once to the temple. You can be with her. I will also be there with you. Both of us will see what the bhairavi wants." Finally, Dada accepted the priest's plea and took me to the temple. We saw the bhairavi stumbling from one end of the room to the other and throwing up blood. Her face, her clothes, the room was full of blood. Just as I entered and stood in the room the bhairavi began dragging herself towards me. She no longer had that terrifying look or power. She was losing her force and dying. With great effort she tried to touch my feet. Frightened, I withdrew closer to Dada and hugged him tight. Then, looking at me the bhairavi said, "My girl, who are you?" "She is nobody," Dada at once retorted, "she is just an ordinary little girl. The strength that is inside her is the power of the divine Mother of Pondicherry. You tried to fool around with Her.? Just see your condition!" In a fading voice, the bhairavi answered, "Babu, please forgive me. Please forgive me!" Dada said, "There's no use asking me for forgiveness. You must ask the Mother for forgiveness." And saying this, Dada pulled me away from there.

We came back home. I was still feeling rather unwell. Dada had written to the Mother about bhairavi's illness and her asking for forgiveness. A few days after this we returned to Calcutta. What happened to the bhairavi we do not know.

I was still very young in mind and had not developed the capacity to think deeply about anything. But everybody at home was asking the same question: why had the bhairavi acted in that way.? Dada explained that the Tantriks and the bhairavis in those days used to hypnotise and then sell little boys and girls for their practices. The bhairavi had not realised that her attempt would lead to such dreadful consequences.

After returning from Hazaribagh, another incident took place in Calcutta. Though it was not similar to the incident With the bhairavi, it made me very sharply conscious at that young age of the divine force and influence of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother.

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My mashima (Ma's sister) had taken initiation from Balananda Giri's main disciple, Swami Mohanananda. She was most keen to take Ma and me for a darshan of Swami Mohanananda. After returning from Hazaribagh, on Mashima's repeated requests, we finally saw Swami Mohanananda when he came to Calcutta for a few days. The three of us went for his darshan one afternoon. He was as well-known as his guru. On arrival, we met a huge crowd of people, groups of his Bengali disciples. They had all come to catch a glimpse of their guru. There was a very long line snaking its way towards the Swami-ji. We too joined the line. We could see him from far sitting on a throne-like seat dressed in ochre silk. He had a very lovely face, fair and long-haired and wearing a rudraksha necklace. He inspired devotion. After a long wait in the line we finally arrived before him for the pranam (salutation). I was first in line so Mashima came up in front and told him, "Baba, she is my niece." And then she whispered into my ear, "Bow down to Baba." I proceeded to do my pranam when Swami-ji stopped me with both his hands. My eyes met his that were very tranquil. Then he spread his arms towards the sky and smiled sweetly. I came away. Now it was Ma's turn. Mashima informed Swami-ji that she was her elder sister. My mother too, Swami-ji greeted with folded hands. Then he spread both his arms Skyward and bowed again. Seeing him do this salutation, Ma and I, we too bowed looking Skyward. In the midst of that huge gathering of people, Swami-ji' s not permitting Ma and me to touch his feet seemed most significant.

Sri Balananda Giri and Swami Mohanananda were both beings of a certain spiritual accomplishment. On the strength of their spiritual vision, they had certainly seen Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's Presence around us. And for this reason he had bowed down to this Presence within us. Needless to say that this experience opened for both Ma and me another door within.

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Sri Aurobindo's Last Darshan

In the year 1950, I came to Pondicherry around Durgapuja (mid-October) and stayed on for the November darshan. Like every year, I stood in the line to go up for the 24^th November darshan, taking with me big garlands of 'surrender' roses. I was very close to the darshan room. Like every year, this time too, I was totally concentrated because I was going for the darshan of Sri Aurobindo. The darshan of Sri Aurobindo was an altogether different experience which I cannot translate in words. It can only be understood by firsthand experience. The line had now reached the centre room. Soon I would be in front of Sri Aurobindo. Through the moving line I caught glimpse of Him from time to time. I noticed that Sri Aurobindo was looking at me through that moving line. I too had my eyes fixed on Him. So engrossed was I in Him that I hardly realized when the two persons before me moved. I looked fixedly at Him While He looked into me. I just placed the garlands before Him but, as if mesmerised, could not take away my eyes from Him. Usually, we used to stand before him for an instant or two at the most. One single look of His would give us such a profoundly moving experience at the physical level. After Sri Aurobindo had looked for a moment at a person, he would turn his gaze at the next person. This was the signal for us to move away from His physical Presence. I do not know what happened this time. I felt Sri Aurobindo kept His gaze fixed on me for a long time Without turning away. Quite evidently this experience of "a long time" must not have been longer than a few seconds but one thing is certain: this year's darshan of Sri Aurobindo lasted a little longer than that of the previous years. I felt His total concentration on me without any kind of distraction. Sensing that the line had stopped moving behind me, I began retreating with my eyes still fixed on Him, in order to go out of the Darshan room. I still felt Sri Aurobindo's eyes focused on me. Now I was near the door and almost out of the room. I saw Him close His eyes gently as if indicating that I could

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now go. During this darshan, I experienced a marvellous, deep concentration in Sri Aurobindo's gaze which I cannot communicate in words.

I came downstairs. I told Ma everything. Ma replied, "Don't talk. Just go home and remain in this quietude. If you cannot still your mind, then try and go to sleep." I asked Ma, "Why did I feel this way? I've never felt this way before." Ma remained silent.

We returned to Calcutta as scheduled. A few days later, on the morning of 5^thDecember, I heard on the radio that Sri Aurobindo had left his body. At once before my eyes, the memory of that last darshan welled up from my being. I would never see Him in his physical body again. I felt that He had blessed me in that unbelievable way before leaving this physical world and my heart spilled over with infinite gratitude at His Grace.

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The Full Moon Of Lakshmi

I came to the Ashram for the Puja-holidays in 1950. It was the full moon of Lakshmi and Pondicherry was flooded with a soft silver light that evening as I stood on the sea-front all alone. When I used to come from Calcutta for the darshan, the Mother, after Her evening meditation and blessing, would meet a few girls including me, in the small room upstairs. I became part of this group from 1949. This was an incredible experience, to find the Mother in such close intimacy and spend some time with Her all alone, to receive a flower from Her and be blessed in that warm stillness. Only one who has experienced this can understand what I mean. Words fall short of conveying its full impact and significance.

I was slowly walking along the sea-front towards the Ashram as my heart shed tears of grief at the thought of leaving the Mother to go back to Calcutta. Only much later when I had grown up did I understand in Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's writings that these were tears of the soul.

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I was waiting on the Meditation Hall staircase as the Mother's evening meditation and blessing got over. Now it was my turn to go to the Mother. My heart was exploding with grief and I just could not control my tears as I began ascending the steps towards Her. She would wait for us above the staircase in that small room where now on Darshan days a photograph of the Mother or Sri Aurobindo is kept and through which we pass to go to Sri Aurobindo's room. I went up and stood before Her and offered Her some flowers. The Mother was wearing a white Banarasi sari with a gold-zari border. As soon as I laid my eyes on Her my tears simply spilled over. How I wept! I could not even look at the Mother. My tears rolled down unstoppably. Then She took the 'pallu' of Her sari and wiped my tears clean, kissed me on the forehead and said, "Don't cry. You shall return here one day. If your father tries to force you into a marriage, send me a telegram. I will make all the arrangements for your coming here."

There was a small cupboard on Her right on which was placed a tray full of different kinds of flowers. I did not know then that the Mother had given a spiritual significance to each flower. The Mother gave to each one the flower that corresponded to their need and aspiration and which would help in their sadhana and the transformation of their nature. That day too, as She was selecting the flower for me, She told me, "Don't get married. You are very sensitive by nature and you are very sincere in your feelings. If ever you get entangled in this life of marriage, it would be almost impossible for you to come out of it. That's why you should not get married, for then you will be able to walk on the path of sadhana. This is indeed your life, my dear child. This is your life. Don't get married."

The Mother blessed me and I came down. Something had been deeply stirred within me. I was still very young then and studying in Calcutta. I had not thought at all about my future, not even about my coming to settle in the Ashram. And then in just a few instants, this huge churning had begun! The Mother had decided about my future in a flash! Would I be able to embrace this life? I remained seated in the Meditation

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Hall, my mind restless with agitation. I thought of a hundred things. It was true that I loved the Mother, it was undeniable that I felt a very deep attraction for Her, but what about the other side of my nature? My emotional self? Would all the different sides of my nature be stilled into joyful acceptance of this path? What was I to do now? The Mother had clearly said that my place was here. Now there was no way I could disregard Her words. But still the questions racked my brains: Would I be able to? Would I be able to do without the experience of married life? Would I be able to walk alone without depending on anybody? Would I be able to give up the worldly life in order to live a life of sadhana? How do peoplewho live in the Ashram practise the sadhana? And what do I know about sadhana - nothing at all! What was I to do? In that agitated state, I ran back home to my mother. I frankly told my mother everything. Ma drew me close to her bosom and caressing me tenderly said, "Khuku, how fortunate you are! The Mother has asked you to come and live here! Is there a greater Grace? What need you think after this? As I cannot leave you alone I too will come with you." Hearing this from my mother, I hugged Ma very tight and remained with my head in her bosom in silence for some time. The experience was so strong that I remember it even today with the same intensity. I realised within me what a huge support my mother was in my life! To let go a 16-year-old girl into the arms of the divine Mother had not caused her the slightest hesitation or sorrow. Not just that but for the sake of her daughter, she did not feel the slightest hesitation to give up her husband, her beloved sons, her very comfortable life in order to embrace this new life here. It would be, obviously, untrue to say that Ma came to the Ashram to live this life just for me. As I mentioned earlier, my mother had met several saintly and spiritual people before offering herself finally to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother as Their disciple.

In any case, let me return to my story. After the November darshan, we went back to Calcutta. Just a few days after our return, we came to know on the radio about Sri Aurobindo's

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physical departure from this world. As soon as we heard this news our entire family, except for Baba, returned to Pondicherry for Sri Aurobindo's Mahasamadhi. How we spent those days, before His body was put to rest in the Samadhi, I cannot describe in words. Never had we imagined that Sri Aurobindo would, one day, leave His body, and we would never be able to have His darshan again.

After the Mahasamadhi day on 9^th December, we returned to Calcutta on the 10^th. Within a few days of our return, I came to know that Baba had fixed up, without our knowledge,my wedding with the son of one of his childhood friends.

Baba told my mother in great detail about the wedding plans and began to prepare for it in earnest. Just around this time of my life, I came face to face with a momentous test. It was the wedding of a very close friend of my elder brother Arun, Khoka-da. All dressed up for the occasion, Baudi (sister-in-law) and I went to attend the wedding celebrations. On entering, I noticed in the large crowd that had gathered there, an aunt of mine, Khuku-masi, talking to a handsome young man near the entrance. On noticing me, she called out. She introduced the young man to Baudi and me. After exchanging some civilities I went inside. Just a few days later, this man turned up at our house, wanting to see Baudi. And then he returned a couple of days later! This time I was called down to come and meet him. Baudi disappeared from the room on the pretext of making tea. I continued to talk to this handsome young man who appeared to me very decent and cultured. And yet, I felt something not quite right in his demean-our. The day after his Visit, my father's friend, whose son I was to marry, arrived home calling out 'Khuku-ma. . .Khuku-ma' from the door. I rushed down. I noticed that same young man near the gate, shutting his car-door and walking towards us. Father's friend introduced this boy to me as his son. As soon as I heard his name, I felt as if someone had laid a massive stone On my chest. I don't remember how I behaved that day standing in front of them. For the next few days, I could neither flat nor sleep. I couldn't tell anyone about my condition, not

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even to my mother. The Mother's words kept echoing in my head, "Don't marry. You have a sensitive nature and you are very sincere in your feelings. Once you get married you won't be able to come out of it." These were the divine Mother's words but I was only 16 then. What about my youthful nature? How strong was I to be able to win this tug-o'-war and come out successful. On one side stood this attractive force enticing me towards all that was beautiful, pleasant in the worldly life, whispering into my ears that I only had to step in to enjoy this happiness and comfort. All I had to do was say "yes, I accept." On the other side was the divine Mother pointing out the possibility of a luminous, radiant future, "In this life, your path is different. Come to me. Follow the destiny of your life for which you were born." Neither Baba nor Ma had spoken to me clearly about my marriage. Baba did not even feel the need to consult me. And there was no question that Ma would talk to me about such a thing.

Ma had always been a woman of few words. When Baba started to get the wedding jewelry ready, Ma told him one day, "Have you spoken to Khuku about the wedding? Has she agreed? If she happily agrees to get married then I have nothing to say. But, mind you, if she is not willing, I will never consent to such a wedding." Baba retorted, "You cannot stop this wedding! I am her father. I know what is good for her and I am most certainly going ahead with it!" Saying this, Baba left the house in a huff. And then began a period of recurring arguments and turmoil at home between Ma and Baba. The disharmony rose to a crescendo. This would happen every day as soon as Baba got back home. The atmosphere in the house became progressively so unbearable that it became difficult to live there. I still remember Ma's face whenever any reference was made to this wedding. My mother was a short-statured, fair, beautiful, quiet woman but what strength and inner determination was in her, I came to see in the few months that followed Baba's decision about my wedding. After all this time that has gone by, when I think of the past, I guess it would have been impossible for me to come to Pondicherry, had Ma

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not stood by me and opposed Baba in that way. Today I draw all my support and strength from the Grace of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, from Their blessing but my reaching Their Feet has been made possible only by my mother's steadfast faith. And for this I shall remain eternally and infinitely grateful to her.

And so a few months went by in this perturbed atmosphere at home. The wedding paraphernalia began to be collected, the jewelry, the saris, the vessels, etc. All this was being done only by Baba. He was in charge of all the preparations. Ma remained throughout very calm and quiet. She did not show any enthusiasm for this wedding, nor did she try to oppose or disrupt it in any way. She did not allow any situation of disharmony to arise. Neither of my two brothers knew the reason for such a state of things at home or for her difficult state of mind. But they felt and understood that there was a great deal of conflict and disagreement between Ma and Baba. When all the members of the household had gone to sleep, Ma and I would lie in our room and deliberate about how to get out of this tangle. The Mother had told me to send Her a telegram in case my father decided to fix my wedding. But how were we supposed to do that.? Then one day in the midst of all these arguments and disquiet, my brother Arun came and handed me an envelope. He said he had received this from our neighbour Satya-da who asked him to give it to me. On opening the envelope, I discovered that it was a note from Nolini-da addressed to me:

Dear Shobha,
The Mother has asked you to come at once. The Mother sends you Her blessing.

Nolini-da

I told Ma about Nolini-da's letter. This letter from Nolini-da seemed to both of us like a miraculous event. After returning to Calcutta from Pondicherry, we had not informed the Mother, at least not outwardly, about the wedding preparations and the disquiet and disagreement between my parents

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over this. Had the Mother already seen this impending obstacle come up in my life and that is why She had repeatedly alerted me not to get married?

But how was I to go? I had no money. How was I to take Baba's permission? And then why would Baba ever consent to such a decision? The disquiet would only increase at home. All these worries racked my being but my mother was unaffected and calm. With exemplary determination, she said, "If the Mother has asked us to come, then we must prepare to leave." When Baba would fall asleep in his room, Ma and I made secretly the necessary preparations to set out for Pondicherry. Ma asked my brothers if one of them could accompany us to Pondicherry for a few days. Neither of the brothers agreed.

On not getting any cooperation from my brothers, Ma called one of my paternal cousins, Nau-da (Sunil Kumar Brahma), and explained to him in detail the whole affair and requested him to accompany the two of us to Pondicherry. When he heard about the Mother's words, he at once agreed to be our escort. It was Nau-da who made all the arrangements, not just the financial but everything else too, and kept the entire matter under wraps from Baba and my brothers. Both Ma and I felt that behind this spontaneous, generous help from Nau-da was the Mother's unmistakable Grace. Else nothing would have moved.

Finally on 13^th June 1951, against the express wishes of Baba and everyone in the family, Ma and I left for Pondicherry with two suitcases and a bedding. How can I ever forget that day? Ma and I bid adieu to the house. The transport that was to take us to the station stood outside. Nau-da was carrying our luggage down into the car. My brothers had also come down. Ma and I bowed down to Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's photographs in our room and came down and stopped for a while near the gate. I saw Baba standing there and visibly crying. Seeing him cry, I too broke down. I went up to him and bowed down at his feet. His crying only increased and he said, "You have trampled on all my hopes and desires and are going away. Know that I am no longer your

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father. Henceforth, don't ever expect anything from me!" I was still crying for I knew I was leaving my father forever. I simply said, "I give you my word, Baba, that I will never ever ask you for anything." On hearing this Baba's weeping grew even more. As I write about this, Baba's face emerges before me, clear and alive as daylight. What an ordeal I was going through! My calm, extraordinarily enduring mother bowed down to her husband, blessed her two sons and went out to sit in the car.

On 15^th June, on a Wednesday evening, we arrived in Pondicherry. Yogananda, an old sadhak of the Ashram, had come to fetch us at the train-station. That was his officially assigned duty from the Ashram: to receive new Ashramites or visitors coming for darshan and escort them to their place of accommodation. We went with him to a house called Red House. It was a very large house that the Mother had allocated to the two of us. The whole of the ground-floor was meant for us. Beyond the gate was a verandah. Then there was a room occupied by a Chinese couple, Hu Hsu and his wife, both of them well-known artists. Except for this room, the rest of the ground-floor was kept for us by the Mother. It was a well-furnished house. A lot of the house-owner's furniture was tastefully placed in the different rooms for our use. Out-side, there was a little yard and a garden. The property was enclosed by a red railing. On the eastern side stood a big gate that led to the sea which was visible from the gate itself. One could hear the waves breaking in the distance. There was a large terrace above the house. Standing on this terrace, I could enjoy the infinite beauty of nature: gold-flecked sunrises, tranquil silvery full moon nights, the endlessly murmuring waves Whispering to the shore each time a new rhythm and tone, the serene blue skies ever-changing with fleecing marble-white clouds. How many times was I to stand on this terrace in all the decades lived in the Red House, contemplating silently the vast sea which would inevitably lift me out of the limiting and sorrowful moments of littleness or exaggerated sense of self- importance. The natural scenery around was as beautiful as

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the house. We put our things in one of the bigger rooms full of lovely furniture: beds, table, dressing table, dining-table, in short everything we needed. Ma looked all around the room and then looking at me, exclaimed gently, "Khuku, so finally we made it to Pondicherry!" My heart filled with sorrow as I remembered, Baba, my brothers, the Calcutta house. I did not Say anything to Ma. I knew deep within me that a whole new Chapter was beginning in our lives that day.

The next morning after getting ready, Ma, Nau-da and I proceeded to the Balcony. The Mother's darshan was at 6.00 but we had set out from the house much earlier. Daylight was just dawning then. The streets were quite deserted still except for some sadhaks and sadhikas, all heading for the same destination. We went and stood near Mridu-di's house because from there we could see the Mother very clearly. The street was almost full with people who were waiting in pin-drop silence. Some were waiting for Her with folded hands, some were waiting with eyes closed in meditation. I was looking eagerly at the Balcony when the Mother stepped out on it. flow many times had I had Her darshan here, but somehow that day it all looked and felt so very different, so very meaningful. During the Balcony darshan, I suppose every darshan- Seeker felt that the Mother's gaze had stopped for an instant on him or her. Almost everyone has had this experience. After the darshan, the Mother went back inside.

We started walking towards the Dining-room. In those days people who ate at the Dining-room did not speak much. In the mornings, there was absolute silence. I was following the line to the service counter where the people serving did their work without any talking. The people being served also respected the meditative atmosphere. I still remember three people from the service counter: Charu-da, Bihari-da and Ila-di (Chitra-di and Amita's mother). Their attitude, the quality of their presence at the counter, the atmosphere that they Created standing at the service counter was such that it was needless to announce that the dining space was also a place of sadhana, and it was also an extension of the Ashram. The food

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was more or less similar to what we get these days, but whether they served porridge or not I do not recollect. More than the food, what struck me was the ambiance, the Presence. I had felt this presence earlier too, but after settling in the Ashram for good, this awareness grew a hundredfold.

After finishing breakfast I headed for the washing area with my plate. Two large water tanks were there for the vessels at that time. A sadhak was standing in front of the tanks to take the plates and dip them inside the water for washing. As I handed over my plate to him a kind of musical air wafted into my ears: it was a sweet, masculine voice singing some sort of a classical strain. I turned to my right and there was Bhishma-da, as usual wiping vessels and humming a classical air. This was not a new sight for me as I had seen it before. When I used to come with my brothers, how many times would we go to the old pier after our evening meal and wait there. Bhishma-da would finish his vessel-wiping work at the Dining-room and come to the pier to sit in a specific place on a cotton rug. Within a few seconds, he would close his eyes and start improvising a musical strain. My brothers and I would sit quietly near him in order to listen to him. The roaring sea was quite loud, no doubt, but the strains of Bhishma-da's singing piercing through that constant roar were a most agreeable experience. That day I kept replaying that memory in my mind very happily. I ran to the gate and told Ma and Nau-da to go ahead to the Ashram. Bhishma-da was doing his work sitting next to a door and I went and sat on the steps of the staircase just in front of this door. I had some free time so I sat there and with eyes closed started enjoying his unfolding alaap. Not many people had assembled yet in the Dining-room. That is why, even though he sang very softly, I could still enjoy it. It was a morning raga, Bhairavi. From time to time my tears within me would Well up as I remembered my brothers. Today they were not With me. From today a new life was unfolding before me. I could not sit there for very long and I got up and began Walking towards the Ashram.

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Around this time a darshan of the Mother would take place in the morning at the Meditation Hall. The Mother used to be seated in a chair and distribute flowers to the Ashramites and bless them. Either Champaklal-ji or Dyuman-bhai would stand next to Her and hand over the flowers to Her. As soon as I reached the Ashram courtyard, I noticed a lot of people had already gathered for the Mother's blessing. We too joined the line. On glimpsing the Mother from where I stood in the line, my eyes filled with tears. I remembered the strong emotions I had gone through with Her the last time. I could see the Mother from quite far, standing in the line. Keeping my attention on Her, I moved slowly forward thinking that I had left home for this divine Mother. It is Her attraction that had made me embrace this new life. Would I be able to renounce everything from within and offer myself at Her Feet? This thought, however, did not last very long for I suddenly found myself in front of the Mother. She stretched Her arms towards me, took both my hands and kept them on Her lap and then with a deeply penetrating look She focused Her attention on me. My eyes looked on at Her, unblinking, as long as Her gaze was on me. She said, "So you have come here for good?" Holding both Her hands, I replied, "Yes, Mother, I have come for good." She concentrated on me for a little longer, then She offered me a flower and placing Her right hand on my forehead, She blessed me.

Ma was next in line to offer pranam to the Mother. She gave Ma a pink rose named 'Surrender' and meditated for a long time with Her hand on Ma's head. After doing pranam, Ma, Nau-sda and I came back to Red House.

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Ornaments

While coming from Calcutta we had secretly packed in our suitcases all our valuable ornaments, both Ma's and mine. We had brought our everyday jewelry as well as what we wore for special occasions, gold, pearl and precious stone

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ornaments, to offer to the Mother. On the 18^th, after the Mother's evening meditation and blessing, we took permission from Her to go and see Her for the next darshan that was to take place upstairs. I had put all the jewels in a beautiful silver box embedded with precious stones, which I was carrying with me. As soon as I found myself in front of Her, I spontaneously opened the silver box and said, "Sweet Mother, Ma and I could bring only these for you from Calcutta. They are for you. Please accept our humble offering." Saying this, I handed over the box to Ma and she handed it to the Mother. The Mother began looking at the contents. There was an exquisite pearl-and-diamond necklace I used to wear which She took out to examine closely and then exclaimed, "Lovely!" Ma and I could not take our eyes off from Her as we enjoyed this intimate closeness with the Mother to our heart's content. She continued looking at all the jewels, one by one. Then She stopped to look at a pair of filigree bangles from Orissa, "Exquisite work!" We know how much the Mother appreciated beautiful things. After looking at the ornaments, She turned Her gaze on me. I felt the jewels had been blessed by the Mother's divine hands. My eyes remained in that speechless wonder, as She looked at me in silence. It was as if my surrender and Her acceptance met in that magical moment! Then She held Ma's right hand with Hers and gazed at her for some time. This time it was Ma's surrender and Her acceptance. After a While, She sweetly smiled and said, "You're giving me ALL this.? I will use this box for my own ornaments!" She handed over the box to Champaklal-ji who was standing close to the door. Then, She took a big 'surrender' rose and offered it to Ma and gave me some other flowers whose spiritual significance I did not know then. Both of us bowed down to Her and came out wondrously fulfilled! That was the end of that day's darshan of the Mother and the beginning of a new life for Ma and me.

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My Education

In 1951, on the day after I had offered the box of ornaments, when I returned to the Mother, She asked me,

"You were studying there, weren't you?"

"Yes, Mother."

"You must continue your studies here. Do you know Sisir?"

"Yes, Mother."

"Go to Sisir. Ask him to make arrangements for your English class. Since we are in the middle of the year, Sisir will have to find a special person to teach you English. From next year, you will join the regular classes. There's a French lady named Suzanne Karpelès. I will ask her to teach you French if she has the time. This year you focus on these two subjects. In the afternoon, you will work with Prithwisingh. Do you know Prithwisingh?"

"No, Mother."

"Ask Nolini to introduce you to him. You will work with him in the afternoons."

Prithwisingh Nahar was in charge of the Publication department then. Books are sold from that same section inside the Ashram even today. Prithwisingh-da sat in that room and his younger daughter Suprabha and I used to work with him in the afternoon.

After telling me about my afternoon work with Prithwisingh-da, She began to select the flowers to give me as She did every day. Then She spoke again,

"Before going to bed at night, read a few lines from Savitri. Do you have a copy of Savitri? Nolini will give you a copy, otherwise. Shall we stop here, then? For the rest we will see next year. Is there something you would like?"

"What, Mother?"

"Things of daily use. We don't give 'Prosperity' before one year." ('Prosperity' is a service of the Ashram from where the inmates receive the basic things they need.)

"No, Mother. I don't need anything."

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The Mother placed some flowers in my hand and blessed me by putting Her hand over my head. Whenever She placed Her hand over my head, I would feel a certain force and peace enter my body. It was a most beautiful feeling.

So for that year (1951), Sisir-da made the necessary arrangements for my English classes and I started learning French from Suzanne Karpeles (Bharati-di). In the afternoons, I used to work in the Publication department with Prithwisingh-da. My mother began working in the flower-service in the mornings and in the afternoons, she would make the flower-arrangements on the Samadhi. In the flower-service, flower vases and trays were prepared with the flowers that came from the Ashram gardens. These flower vases and trays were then sent to Sri Aurobindo's room, the Mother's room, the Meditation Hall downstairs, etc. This work was given to Ma and a few other ladies. Jatin-da was then in charge. Ma used to go to work at about 7.30 in the morning and return at around 10.30-11. The Samadhi was decorated with flowers twice a day: very early in the morning when all the old flowers were replaced with fresh ones and a new design was made and then in the afternoon around 2 o'clock when the flowers that had dried up or wilted were replaced on the same design. This too Was done by Ma along with some other sadhikas. This work was done both in the morning or in the afternoon, in absolute silence. After the flower-arrangement work was over, the sadhikas lit some incense, bowed at the Samadhi and returned home. Sometimes, after finishing my work with Prithwisingh-da I would stand for a while at the Samadhi before going back home. How utterly pure and serene the air felt in this hallowed space!

And thus my new life of sadhana began. Apart from Nolini-da and Rajen-da (my brothers' close friend) we did not know anybody else. To be very honest, I did think at times of Baba and my brothers and our Calcutta house. My life had seen a sea-change so suddenly! The Mother had pulled me out of that atmosphere of Calcutta, out of those bonds of deep affection, and thrown me in the midst of this intensely

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Spiritual life. All of us who lived in the Ashram in those days were connected with the Mother both in our inner as well as outer life. The Mother saw everything and knew everything about us. We seemed to dwell in Her consciousness. I used to feel from time to time in my daily routine a great sense of aloneness. I experienced moments of profound loneliness. It was not possible to run up to the Mother or go and spend some time with Nolini-da whenever I felt like. Probably that increased my sense of loneliness. Those who were of my age and had come to the Ashram before me had built beautiful links of friendship but I was isolated. I used to hover around Nolini-da's room in the hope of catching a few moments in his company, or to catch hold of Rajen-da to do the same. In Rajen-da I used to get a waft of that Calcutta air, our Calcutta house and the Calcutta atmosphere.

The Mother, of course, knew everything. Slowly, step by step, I began walking on the path of this new life at the Ashram. The Mother was my guide. I remember some lines I had penned:

O Mother, you are my ferry
To take me across the shores of the world,
You are, indeed, my ferry, Mother.
O Mother, you are my ferry
Therefore, have I abandoned all,
And arrived today at your door!

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Baba's Coming To The Ashram

There is little doubt that our coming away to the Ashram for good was a reflection of my mother's matchless self-confidence and courage. Ma had built a whole world - husband, children, house - and she could leave it all behind for my sake, but I guess, primarily for the sake of her own inner call. This was made possible only because of that amazing faith she harboured. Our new life at the Ashram started taking roots.

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We had arrived in the month of June and just a few months later, all of a sudden, Baba turned up to meet Ma and me. Was there anything else besides this wish to see us, neither Ma nor I could say. I am writing about a time when it was not possible to come to the Ashram without the Mother's permission. Baba arrived, unannounced. On the day he arrived, I took Baba to the Playground after my evening 'Group' activities. (Boys and girls were divided into different groups for sports activities in the evening and so 'Group' referred to all activity related to physical education.) As I had not taken permission to take my father to the Playground, I went to the Mother before the Marching started in order to inform Her about Baba's arrival from Calcutta to see us. Even while I was telling Her this, within me I was feeling extremely nervous and frightened. I was worried that Baba might create some disharmony again. However, I must admit that when he arrived at the Red House from the station, our meeting was very sweet and emotional. In any case, the Mother asked, "Has your father come to the Playground?" "Yes, Mother," I replied, "he is waiting outside at the gate." "Go and bring him to me," the Mother said.

I still see that scene before my eyes: People have started assembling in the Playground. The Mother has almost arrived in front of the map of India and Pranab-da is standing near Her room in front of the microphone. I am escorting my father through that crowded ground to the Mother. Although Baba was to have several darshans of the Mother, that day was his first and had, therefore, a very special feel. My father came in front of the Mother and at once went down to bow at Her Feet. The Mother placed Her right hand on my left shoulder and told Baba, "You see, how happy your daughter is here! She is working very well and has progressed a lot." With folded hands, Baba said, "She is your child, Mother. She is yours." Baba now sat on the sandy ground and bowed his head on the Mother's feet. Then we came back home. He at once went to Ma and told her, "You know what happened today? The divine Mother told me, 'Your daughter is very fine. She is progressing very fast.' I don't have any more worries

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about you or Khuku. I had come to see how you were and I am happy to know that both of you are doing very well. You're in heaven here!" Saying this Baba pulled me close to his bosom and blessed me.

Baba went back to Calcutta quite happy, no doubt, but during his brief sojourn in the Ashram, I had got a distinct feeling that he felt I had been most thoughtless in hurting him, his friend and his friend's son by selfishly following my own inclination. Even when he openly hinted at this, I remained quiet without seeking to justify myself in any way. I could never tell him that my decision was based not on how I felt but on what the Mother had told me. Had I ever told him this, he might have felt terribly angry with the Mother. Out of blind paternal love, he did forgive me but I do not know how he might have reacted vis-à-vis the Mother.

After this, Baba came back to the Ashram on a number of occasions and stayed with us. The Mother had instructed Nolini-da that whenever my father, brothers, sister-in-law, nephew came to Pondicherry, they should stay in the Red House. Let me tell you something important in this context. In 1951, Ma and I had come here for good and the Mother had allotted the Red House for us. In 1952, we were accepted as permanent members of the Ashram and given 'Prosperity'. Whenever anyone of the family or anyone else came here from Calcutta and stayed with us in the Red House, then they would, according to the Ashram custom, offer a fixed amount of money for the Mother to Kameshwar-da who was in charge of this. Any Visitor staying in any Ashram house was expected to follow this rule.

Baba spent a lot of his time in later life with us. When he realised that it was time for him to leave his body, he told his two sons that he wanted to be laid to rest in his ancestral place. Accordingly, my brothers took him back to Calcutta. Later, when I got news of Baba's last illness, I asked the Mother if I should go to Calcutta. The Mother told me that it was not necessary. She told me, "A daughter's duty is to pray for her father's soul. You just do that." Two days after this, Baba passed away.

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My Education Starts At The Ashram School

In 1952, on 16^th December, the new session of the school began. Following the Mother's wishes, I joined the regular school but did not do all the subjects like the other students. My subjects of study were French, English, philosophy and a few of Sri Aurobindo's works. Nirod-da and Ravindra Khanna were my teachers for English prose. For English poetry, it was Amal Kiran. Bharati-di and Krishnakumari-di taught me French. For Indian philosophy, I was with Prapatti-da, for Western philosophy, with Kireet-bhai. Tehmi-ben took my Savitri classes, Kishore-bhai The Human Cycle, Sanat-da The Ideal of Human Unity and history was taught by Sisir-da. I started with these subjects. Apart from Kireet-bhai, all my other teachers were old sadhaks who had lived in the Ashram for a long time. My classmates were Batti, Kittu, Manoj, Mona, Lilou, Bhavatarini, Dhanavanti, Ranjan and Sunanda. All of them had come to the Ashram much before me at a very young age. I had interrupted my Intermediate schooling in order to come here. The system of education here was totally different from the system I was used to in Calcutta. I loved the teaching methods of some of my teachers. The Mother would ask me about my studies from time to time, especially about the French classes. One such occasion comes to mind. Finding the Mother alone one day, I plucked up enough courage to tell her, "Mother, you've asked me to read a few lines from Savitri before going to bed. But I just cannot understand the lines from Savitri. The English is too hard for me." I was then 19. The Mother replied, "It doesn't matter. Keep reading. If possible read them aloud. The more you will grow within, the clearer Savitri will become. For the time being just keep reading."

After this conversation with the Mother, I began reading a few lines from Savitri every night. Tehmi-ben used to explain very beautifully the meaning of these lines after I joined her class. I started enjoying Savitri. And this is how my life at the Ashram school began.

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My First Birthday At The Ashram

14^th December in 1951. I was celebrating my first birthday in the Ashram. I have already mentioned that after my very first darshan of the Mother, I had realised that She was not an ordinary human being, She was the Divine in a human body. That is why I used to jot down any conversation I had with Her immediately on getting home. Here is a transcript of the conversation I had with Her on my first birthday.

I - Sweet Mother, how do I quieten my mind? My mind is very restless, all kinds of worries crowd my mind. I am unable to focus on anything fully. Even at school I am overwhelmed with all kinds of worries.

The Mother - Kick them out forcefully. Mind you, the word 'kick'. Throw them out forcefully. Our mind is a centre where all kinds of thoughts and worries enter and disturb us, disturb us even physically. Stand guard against these. Be very vigilant about the mind and do not let any negative thought enter your being. (Pause) When such a negative thought comes, start reading a book of Sri Aurobindo's or mine. Or else try and focus your mind on some other activity.

I - Mother, how do I concentrate?

The Mother - (looking at me) Keep trying. One day, you
will be able to do it.

The Mother blessed me by putting Her hand on my head.

The Mother - OK, then? Aurevoir!

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The Day After

When I started working With Prithwisingh-da, I remained in the Publication department every day from 1.30 to 4. Except for Sundays, there were no other holidays. On Sundays, after lunch at the Dining-room, I would go to the Ashram and sit quietly beside Dyuman-bhai's room. It was marvellous to sit in the Ashram at that time of the day. The place was almost empty and the Samadhi, with hardly anyone around,

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looked even more beautiful with all the coloured flowers. The smoke of incense from the two incense-holders floated upward in the air towards the branches of the Service tree. Maybe one or two persons would come to bow down at the Samadhi at that time. I used to see Nirod-da pacing to and fro silently, a little away from the Samadhi, while Tehmi-ben worked quietly sitting on the threshold of the Bulletin office, next to Dyuman-bhai's room. At half past noon, she too went away. Around this time, the Ashram became almost empty. Sometimes I was the only one sitting there.

The day after my birthday, a Sunday, I was sitting in front of Dyuman-bhai's room. That day Tehmi-ben was not there in front of the Bulletin office. An elderly Bengali lady and a young man sitting with her were chattering on at a distance. In those days, anybody breaking the silence and profound tranquility of the Ashram by talking loudly was considered most irksome. I went on looking in their direction, hoping to make them understand that their chatter was disturbing the prevailing peace. Every time I looked towards them, I noticed that they looked at me and said something to each other. So I stopped looking at them and tried to still my mind. All of a sudden, I noticed that the lady was standing next to me! She asked me, " What's your name, dear? Are you Bengali?" I told her my name. She continued talking, "I've liked you ever since I saw you. You are just the type of girl I am looking for my son to marry. That, over there, is my son. Is your mother here? I would love to go and talk to her. I would like to make a marriage proposal." I was flabbergasted! I could never have imagined that a human being could think of such things sitting near the Samadhi! I stood up exasperated and very bluntly told the lady, "Our mother here is the Divine Mother. I will tell Her about you." And with a visible huff I marched off.

That day was a Sunday. The Mother did not see me on Sundays. I was to go to Her, as usual, on Monday evenings. However, after this particular Monday darshan, my evening darshans stopped and She asked me to come, from then on,

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on Sunday mornings with other people who would go to see Her in Her room individually.

On that Monday evening, then, after the meditation, I went to the Mother and told Her briefly about this ridiculous incident. I was still new to the Ashram and did not know how to speak with the Mother. The Mother laughed heartily on hearing my story and then She remarked, still laughing, "Why didn't you tell her that you were already married! That you were married to the Divine!"

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My Dance At The Playground

It must have been one day in March in 1954. I cannot recollect the exact date. I had gone upstairs to have the Mother's darshan. She told me:

The Mother - Charupada told me that you dance very well. I would like to see your dance.

I - When, Mother?

This proposal of hers sent such a wave of joyous thrill through me that the question flashed forth quite spontaneously. I had never expected such a thing from the Mother.

The Mother - (after a moment's thought) Nolini will let you know the date.

A few days later I got to know from Nolini-da that the Mother would see my dance after the March-past at the Playground on 24^th April, a Darshan day. In those days, She used to sometimes watch a cultural programme on Darshan days. The Mother used to stand in front of the map of India (at the Playground) and all the groups would go past Her in a salute. Then She would sit in a chair in front of the map and on either side of Her sat Amiyo-da, Gauri-di, Milli-di, Minnie-di, Priti-di and Violette and there would sometimes be performances of music, dance or theater in front of Her. This happened not on a stage but on the sandy ground. If any sadhak or sadhika, teacher or captain wished to show the Mother anything, She would watch it at this time. Once on a Darshan day, we presented in front

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of the Mother a programme of songs under Sahana-di's direction. I remember She had liked it immensely. Sahana-di once told me that when we had once sung a group song under her direction (Sahana-di was playing the harmonium) the Mother had seen a living lion in front of the chorus.

Where was I to get the musical accompaniment? Although I had brought the notebook with the 'tabla-bols' for my kathak dance from Calcutta, who would be able to play these 'bols' And moreover dancing kathak on the sandy floor of the Playground was impossible. Suddenly I remembered that Chandana-di (Sanat-da's wife) who stayed on the first floor in Nanteuil, played the guitar very well and also had a small organ. I used to often go to their house and play the organ and sing songs of Rabindranath and Chandana-di would play whatever she had learnt on the guitar. Together we used to make short, simple compositions that were not so bad. Therefore, I requested Chandana-di to play some compositions on the guitar and I prepared some items to dance on them. Of course, I didn't know how to compose a dance then. I just knew how to move and lose my body to her music and rhythm. Thus, we prepared the programme we were going to show the Mother with regular rehearsals. The Darshan day arrived. After the March-past, I saluted the Mother and started the dance. Although Chandana-di played Western melodies, they sounded charming! After finishing the dance I went forward with Chandana-di and stood before the Mother. She sweetly smiled at us but did not say anything. After the Mother had gone back to Her room, I started walking towards Milli-di's green-room in order to change my costume. Before I could reach the green-room, I heard Mota-kaka's (Pranab-da's elder uncle, Charupada Bhattacharya) voice, "Shobha, the Mother is calling you!" On entering Her room, I saw Her sitting on a cushioned chair on the left. I went and sat down at Her Feet and bowed down. With a marvellous, gentle smile, She spoke.

The Mother - You danced well. I liked it. (The Mother was sitting with some flowers in Her hand for me. Handing over the

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flowers, She remarked) What I liked best was that your whole body was dancing gracefully and in perfect rhythm. Your postures and movements were natural and effortless. I really liked that. Not like the usual dancers: like this... and like that... (The Mother imitates some funny movement with Her hands.)

Both of us burst out laughing! Then the Mother looked into my eyes for some time and resumed,

The Mother - You danced very well but your entire body was shaking. You had become self-conscious and nervous.

I - Yes, Mother. For some reason I was very self-conscious. (Placing both my hands on Her Feet) A fierce battle was raging within me.

The Mother - Why is that?

I - My sweet Mother, there are a lot of boys who are fond of me. (Hesitating a little, then) I don't know what to do with them. They follow me everywhere I go. They express their love in silence and I too quietly reject it. My not responding and withdrawing hurts them. Some of them are really badly hurt. Naturally, I too feel some sort of pain because of that. I don't know Mother, how I should be with them. Today, just before starting my dance, I noticed they were standing in different corners and watching me. I didn't want all these thoughts as I was going to dance in front of You but still between Your Presence and their unsolicited presence there was a lot of agitation. That is why my body was shivering a little. (Sadly) My sweet Mother, I was not able to offer myself completely to You.

The Mother - But you danced well. (She looked silently into my eyes for some time and then continued) I know that some boys like you. You cannot give yourself to all, you have to choose. ( The Mother once again looked at me intently.) This is normal for artists. The best thing is to lose oneself in one's art, to be totally identified with one's art, in a profound way. Here, we have another lofty ideal. That is to focus totally on the Divine and not on human beings - to be completely absorbed in Sri Aurobindo's Presence, in the Presence of our Lord. When you sing or dance, since you do both, sing and dance as if you were in front of Sri Aurobindo. Try to offer your art to Him,

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to your Lord. Then no other thought of a human being will come your way. (The Mother gave me some more flowers and then taking both my hands into Hers, spoke once more) That is the best solution. To offer your art to the Divine.

I - (Touching the Mother's Feet) Does the Divine come to accept our offering?

The Mother - Most certainly. But the offering has to be true and total. (The Mother looked at me again intently) For this year's 1^st December programme, the School's anniversary programme, I would like to include your dance. Don't make it too long, say 15 or 20 minutes. I will ask Sunil to compose the music for your dance.

I - Mother, should I do it in kathak style? I have learnt only kathak.

The Mother - No, no, not any fixed style. The way you danced spontaneously today, dance like that. Dance in your style.

When the Mother spoke about the style of dance, She looked at me seriously as if She was trying to communicate something to me, to give me something. The last part of my meeting with the Mother passed in silence. The Mother kept sitting in Her chair, while I sat at Her Feet. She was looking at me, she was looking at me as if from a height, from a higher consciousness. She gave me some flowers and blessed me by placing Her hand on my head.

After getting Her blessing I came out of Her room. That day's experience is still as fresh as ever, to this day. I remained in the Playground for some time: there were still a lot of people and I could hear Pranab-da's powerful voice; the door to the Mother's room, the map of India and so many other sights floated before my eyes. These were all earthly sights and yet they felt unearthly. It all felt so different. Though an ordinary human being, I seemed to be wandering in some other world. The Playground itself turned into an extraterrestrial world! I do not know if I am able to convey my experience. Just a few moments in the Mother's Presence and everything changed. I became another person.

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My Second Birthday At The Ashram

My birthday on 14^th December in 1952. I went to the Mother at half past eleven. The staircase leading up to Her was full with people waiting for their turn. I too sat down and waited near Sri Aurobindo's room. I was holding flowers in one hand and in the other a box containing the salwar- kameez I had stitched and embroidered for the Mother. All the young girls who were at the Ashram then, would always make something for the Mother with their hand and offer it to Her on their birthday. I used to offer Her a salwar-kameez that I stitched and embroidered. That year I had got from Calcutta some Salam-chumkis in golden zari to use for making the embroidered design on the Mother's kameez. The cloth for the kameez and the salwar I had got from Pondicherry: red velvet and red silk respectively. Whenever I could manage some time from my daily activities, I went to Vasudha-ben's embroidery department and worked on getting the salwar-kameez ready. No dress that the Mother wore was machine-stitched. It was always made by hand. When the Mother wore the red-bordered Banarasi zari silk sari, she indeed looked like a goddess. That is why I had selected the colour red this time. I spent a lot of time and care to prepare this offering and put into it all my love and devotion for Her.

After some time, my name was called out. I got in and found the Mother standing in Her room. On seeing me, she lovingly smiled.

The Mother - Bonne Fete, mon enfant! (Happy birthday, my child)

I offered the flowers and the box to Her. She opened the box and looked at the salwar-kameez very attentively.

The Mother - Is this for me?

I - Yes, Mother.

The Mother - Did you make it?

I - Yes, Mother, I've made it.

The Mother - (very sweetly) It's very beautiful.

The Mother - (looking at the design more closely) It's very beautiful. Next time, though, don't give me anything in red.

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The Mother looked at me very lovingly. She also looked at the flowers I had brought for Her, one by one, and then with Her left hand She took the flower called Promise of Realisation and moving the flower from one hand to the other She again concentrated on me for a short while. Then, keeping the flower in Her left hand, She placed Her right hand on my head and remained in a meditative state. I too closed my eyes and tried to be as conscious as I could in Her Presence. Only those who have had this opportunity of being with the Mother in this concentrated silence can understand the significance and importance of this experience. It cannot be expressed in words as it is a matter of deep personal experience. Then, I felt the Mother remove Her hand from my head and place the flower Promise of Realisation very meaningfully in my hand and then she said something marvellous to me in French, "O my dear child, a portion of the goddess of Beauty is present in you." I did not understand what this sentence really meant that day.

Then, giving me the flowers one by one, she began explaining, "Here is Sincerity, Transformation, Peace. And here are your book and flowers. Aurevoir, mon enfant!" (See you again, my child)

Bowing down to Her, I said, "Aurevoir, Douce Mere!" (See you again, Sweet Mother)

Blessed by Her, I returned home and spent the birthday in quiet remembrance of Her.

When the Mother went back from the Playground to the Ashram at night, I would go and stand next to Nirod-da's room beside the door leading to the staircase, in order to have one final darshan of Her. On my birthday too, I went and stood there. A while later, Pavitra-da drove the Mother back to the Ashram. Getting down from the car, She went straight under the covered corridor to Debu's room (Debu is Pranab-da's brother) while all of us waited in a line. Then, She came out of Debu's room and headed for the staircase next to Nirod-da's room. I was standing right opposite the door opening to the staircase. When She came near the staircase

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door, She looked at me and smiled, then got in, turned around and continued to look at me. I went up to Her carrying some flowers I had brought to put on the Samadhi. Offering these to Her, I bowed down to Her. She gave me a flower and holding my head with Her palms on either side, She blessed me. She then kissed me on my forehead and said, "Aurevoir, mon enfant! À demain!" (Aurevoir, my child! See you tomorrow!) "À demain, Douce Mère!" I replied.

Slowly the Mother climbed up the stairs while I remained quite hypnotized staring in Her direction. A silent prayer welled up in my being, "Make me yours, O Mother! Make me yours!"

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Aspiration And Receptivity

After finishing Her game of tennis the Mother would come to the Playground. She would rest a little in Her room and then come out to go to the room at the eastern end of the Playground called 'interview room'. Here, She would meet all those who had some questions about the sadhana or about something related to their work. With the Mother's permission, one could talk to Her there. In the morning, at the Meditation Hall, when we went for Her blessing, we could not talk to Her.

It was one such day. There was a little question buzzing in my little head that I wanted to address to the Mother. So I went and stood near the Mother's interview room. While going into the interview room, the Mother would sometimes answer a question if it was not too long. So, as soon as the Mother approached this room, I asked, "Can I ask you a little question, Mother?" The Mother nodded.

"How can one increase one's receptivity?" I asked.

The Mother - Why, aren't you receptive?

I - No, I don't have much receptivity.

The Mother - Then, you need to develop it. Keep trying. One day you will succeed. That is why you are here: to develop

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what you haven't got, to reject what you don't need.

I - Mother, will I be able to do Your yoga? Am I fit for yoga?

The Mother - Certainly! (Looking at me seriously) If your aspiration is really sincere, then (forcefully) you will certainly succeed.

I - There are so many people in the Ashram. Are they all doing yoga?

The Mother - I believe they are. They are supposed to. That is why they have come here. If they are not doing it, then their later life will be piteous and very, very sorrowful.

I - Mother, what do you mean by sincere aspiration?

The Mother - You don't know what aspiration is?

I - The meaning is not very clear to me, Mother.

The Mother - If you TRULY want to do yoga, if you TRULY want the Divine, then one day you SHALL realise Him. Sincere aspiration means that when you say something, you do exactly that. But if outwardly you say one thing but within you, you think something else, your being is full of other preoccupations, then that is insincerity. You will express what you think or are preoccupied with within. If one part in you wants the Divine and another part rejects Him, then that is insincerity. See that all the parts of your being want the Divine. You will only express that which you are focused on Within. You will translate into action only that which you say or think. In all your activities, you will have to become conscious of the Divine. Only then will you become really sincere.

After talking to me, the Mother got into the interview room.

On another day, I asked the Mother:

I - When I want to come to a definite conclusion about something, I always observe that an extremely powerful force within me is very strongly directing me. "Do this, do that!" it commands me. "Don't listen to him! Listen to me!" As if I Was under its authority. And if I try to be alert, then I can hear another voice. This voice tells me in a very tranquil, confident Way, "Don't listen to him. Don't behave in that way, behave

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in this way." I have remarked this on numerous occasions, Mother, when under the pull of attachment, I try to obey the dictates of this powerful force, then inevitably something goes awry. But when I gather my being's strength and manage to listen to that quiet, gentle voice, only then do I succeed in realizing my goal. I can fulfil my objective without a hitch. Does this force have a double aspect, Mother?

The Mother - That is your psychic being. That quiet, gentle voice is the voice of your inner being. It has no expectations, no desires. It is very tranquil. You can hardly hear its voice. But this is your real self, your true guide on the path, your psychic being.

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My necklace

After coming here from Calcutta, we had given away all our jewels to the Mother. All I had kept were a pair of gold bangles for my wrists and a gold necklace with a locket. It was quite a heavy necklace made of tiny balls of gold. It was very uncomfortable to wear this while doing my sports activities. But since this locket contained the rose petals that the Mother had asked me to keep close to my body in 1945, how could I remove it without Her permission? So one day I asked Her.

I - Mother, you had given me a rose once and asked me to keep it close to my body. I have been wearing that rose in a locket on a gold necklace so far, but now I find doing sports activities with that necklace quite uncomfortable. What should I do? (I showed the Mother the necklace around my neck.)

The Mother - Now you can remove it. (The Mother looks at me very seriously) Now you are totally within my protection. There is no need any longer to wear this. Remove it.

I had been noticing for some time that all those who were in the Ashram for sadhana did not wear any jewelry. That is why I too removed my gold bangles and the necklace with the locket and offered them to the Mother.

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My Education In Music

My life became quite packed after I started school and began working with Prithwisingh-da in the afternoon. On top of that, I had also started doing sports activities from 1952. The days filled up considerably with all these different activities. In the midst of all this, the only thing that I missed was my singing. One day when the opportunity came, I asked the Mother:

I - Mother, in 1943, when I came here, Dilip-da listened to my singing and said that he liked my voice. He wanted to teach me singing and so whenever I came here for a few days for Darshan I used to go to him for music lessons. Mother, now that I have come to live here, could I join his music class?

Mother - Yes, of course, you can learn music from Dilip. It will do you a lot of good. And why don't you also learn from Sahana. Do you know her?

I - Yes, Mother. She is a friend of my mother's. She sometimes comes home.

Mother - Tell her that I have asked you to learn singing from her.

And thus, I began my singing lessons with Dilip-da and Sahana-di, both well-known singers. I enjoyed going to their classes. In Calcutta I used to learn kathak dancing from Gopal-da who was a disciple of Shambhu Maharaj. As there was nobody in the Ashram who could teach me this style, my kathak learning came to a stop. Anuben who had been a student of the renowned dancer Uday Shankar was responsible for teaching dance at the Ashram then. Taking permission from the Mother I began my dance lessons with her. After a few days of classes, I once again asked the Mother on finding the right occasion,

I - Mother, I used to learn to play the piano in Calcutta. Could I continue my piano lessons here?

Mother - No, there is nobody here who can teach that. (In fact, there was no provision for piano classes then.)

On another Occasion:

I - Mother, there is another music teacher at the Ashram. Tinkori-da. Can I also learn from him?

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Mother - No, that won't be necessary.

    In 1952, I was almost a novice in the life of the Ashram and so I used to ask the Mother for everything. That was the rule in the Ashram. No one did anything without Her consent. That is why I would consult the Mother even about the little things of my life. On another such occasion:

    I - Mother, I would like to learn Indian classical music.

    Mother - Why?

    I - I love Indian classical music. I was learning it while I was in Calcutta.

    The Mother remained silent for some time as if she was in thought. Then She said:

    Mother - For learning classical music you need a very good teacher. We don't have anybody of that level here. Besides, India is full of classical music. Now that you have come here, your primary purpose in life is the growth of this inner life. It is fine that you are learning music with Dilip and Sahana.

    The Mother once again became silent. Then with great force and firmness, She said, "What I want from you is music, but the music that flows from your soul. I want to see you create your own music." As She said this, She tapped me hard on my chest two-three times and kept looking into me for a while in a most serious way. What the Mother told me then I could not quite figure out. Not at all. In fact, I was too young to understand. I just kept staring at the Mother, nonplussed. Some time passed in this silence. I could not pluck up enough courage to tell Her that I had not understood what She had said. The Mother kept on looking at me in that solemn way. Silence still reigned between us. Then carried away by a strong emotion, my hands touched Her feet. And at once, Without any thinking, I blurted out these words to the Mother, words that welled up from my inmost being, "O Mother, all that is impossible can become possible thanks to Your compassion. Make me worthy of receiving Your compassion. Bestow on me the Grace to be worthy of Your compassion."

    After I had uttered these words, the Mother placed Her right hand on my head, closed Her eyes and meditated for a

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while. I too remained in Her presence in that silence with my eyes closed.

Before I close this chapter, a couple of things come to mind. Today, after all these years, as I have sat down to write about the Mother, my life seems to unfold before my eyes like a film. The Mother's words ring within me, "What I want from you is music, but the music that flows from your soul. I want to see you create your own music." I also remember my staring at Her that day, nonplussed, unable to comprehend what Her words meant at that time.

I remember now about the Music section. I once told the Mother, "I have almost exhausted my collection of songs. What shall I do now?" Very spontaneously the Mother replied, "Why, now you start composing!" "But, Mother, I have no idea about composition!" I retorted. I still recollect that evening's extraordinary experience which shines ever brightly in my heart. What I remember above all are the Mother's reassuring words, "When I give someone a responsibility, I also give that person the force to carry it out." And indeed today I can feel with my whole being that force the Mother talked about. When She had spoken to me about my music, I had not the slightest inkling of musical creation in me. Writing poems in Bengali was farthest from my capabilities. All this happened quite some time later, entirely because of the Mother's Grace. That is why if I have been able to capture a drop from that infinite, unfathomable ocean of music, then that drop of music too is but Her gift. Whatever I have been able to create has been made possible by Her touch and Her blessing. It is nothing more.

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My First Interview With The Mother

In 1953-54, the Mother used to come to the Playground after Her game of tennis. In the Playground, in the room closest to the street on the eastern side, She would meet sadhaks and sadhikas, visitors and workers of the different Ashram departments as and when the need arose. Those

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of us who had embraced a life of sadhana in the Ashram would face all kinds of difficulties. I will share with you very frankly the ones that were mine. I had resolved to live in the Ashram; however, I was but an ordinary girl who was subject to desires and expectations. Like any normal young girl (I was at that time just 21) all the movements of nature were present within me. And yet, somewhere in some recess of my being, a little flame of aspiration began to rise at that age: I want to change this nature of mine. I want to become something else, another type of human being. It was perhaps because of this little flame of aspiration within me, that Sri Aurobindo and the Mother had given me refuge here. As I mentioned earlier, we faced all kinds of obstacles and difficulties in our life here. When I noticed within myself too some such doubts and questionings, I told the Mother that I had some questions and that I wished to share these with Her. Through Nolini-da She informed me that on 6^th June at 6 in the evening, She would see me in the interview room. I wrote down on a piece of paper what I wished to tell Her and taking this with me I went and stood in front of the interview room on the assigned date and time.

The Mother came to the Playground. She first went to Her room next to the map of India. I was waiting eagerly for Her at the entrance of the interview room. This was to be my first long interview with the Mother after coming to the Ashram from Calcutta. The Mother will hear me, lend Her ear to my ordinary human difficulties, what will She say in response? Will She get angry? Will She scold me? Do other girls also go through such difficulties? How do they handle them? Those who are spared from such difficulties are indeed blessed. All these thoughts were going through my head. Then I noticed the Mother coming out of Her room and walk in my direction. The Mother normally walked very fast, within seconds She was close to me and seeing Her, my heart was filled with an unimaginable joy. That day the Mother was wearing a salwar kameez that I had offered to her on my Birthday with Silence flowers embroidered on the kameez. I

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had myself embroidered the flowers. In this hand-embroidered dress, in every stitch was present my love and my devotion to the Mother. In the way I had drawn the Silence flowers and embroidered them, lay hidden the prayerful aspiration of my birthday. I felt fulfilled as the Mother entered the room and sat in Her chair. I got in and silently sat down at the Mother's feet. I bowed my head at Her feet and offered the flowers to Her. Then our conversation began. The Mother looked at me with an enchanting smile.

Mother - So, what is your question?

I - Mother, is it necessary to have an outer relationship with you?

    Mother - Outer relationship! What do you mean? Here I have an outer relationship with everyone. They all come to me daily and go back with the flowers I give them.

     I - No, Mother, I don't mean that. What I meant is a close relationship.

    Mother - Oh! That is not necessary all the time. What is truly needed is to build an inner relationship with me. Keep always trying to build that relationship. Always try to feel my presence deep within you.

    I - Yes, Mother, I do try to remember you all the time, but...

    Mother - But you cannot keep me there.

I - No, Mother, sometimes I can, sometimes I cannot.

    Mother - You have to keep practising this. That is extremely necessary otherwise someone can stay close to me for many years but his concentration will be elsewhere.

    I - Mother, you had once said in the class that many have the aspiration, but they lack the receptivity. That is why your force cannot work in them.

    Mother - (Looking straight into my eyes) I said that many have the aspiration, they aspire and I even send my force to them but they are unable to receive that force because they lack receptivity.

I - Sweet Mother, am I too like them?

Mother - No.

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I - Mother, I feel the stirrings of aspiration within me, but...

    Mother - But you do not get any answer to that?

    I - (Hesitatingly) No, Mother, not quite. I am unable to understand whether I am receiving something!

    Mother - Listen, do you remember the condition you were in when you came here?

    I - Yes, Mother.

Mother - Are you able to understand the condition you are in now?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Now do you see any difference between the two states?

    I - Yes, Mother, a big difference!

Mother - Then, that is your receptivity. Do you understand, had you not been receptive, you would have remained in the same state as you came in. You would not have reached this state today. No, no my dear child, you are receptive.

I - Sweet Mother! (touching the Mother's feet) So I am receptive! (And my joy spilled over!)

The Mother looked at me for a long time in silence, concentrated on me, and during this time that the Mother was concentrating on me, I had an unusual experience, an experience I had not had before. I felt as if I did not exist at all, my body was not there. Even though I was sitting in front of the Mother, I felt as if I was not there. As if I had become one with the Mother. There was only the Mother, only Her. Then, slowly, I returned to my normal state. I realised I was sitting in front of the Mother for the interview. I became conscious and resumed my conversation with Her.

I - Mother, Sri Aurobindo has said in his book The Mother that unless the entire being is turned towards the Mother, Her force cannot work. Does it mean that this force from you does not work within us?

Mother - He has not said that.

I - Then what has he said?

Mother - He has said that for the complete transforma-

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tion, the entire being has to turn towards the Divine. If any part of the being is insincere, then my force cannot bring about the transformation of the whole being. But this does not mean that my force cannot work in any other way. If you can become sincere, if there is within you a truly sincere aspiration, you will certainly feel my force.

I - Mother how does one reject depression from one's being?

Mother - Depression?

I - Yes, Mother. When I come to you, I see people spend such a long time with you. They receive so many flowers from you. And when I see all this, I think I am totally unworthy. I feel I will not be able to do your Sadhana. I am not fit for it!

Mother - (remains silent for some time, as if She were thinking of something, then She resumes speaking) To some people, I give a lot of flowers because they have some difficulty, to some people I give more time because of work. This is entirely related to work. Then, there are some people that I keep near me because if they were to remain outside my presence, they would become devils! (After this, the Mother looked into my eyes for sometime without uttering a word. Mother's look was most significant).

I - Mother, I go to the Meditation hall and sit there in order to meet you and when I am not able to see you, sometimes I become so discouraged that I run out from there!

Mother - (laughing) Do you feel jealous?

I - I don't know Mother, but I suffer a lot.

And saying this my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry, (the Mother was sitting in front of me and looking at me). Then, something incredible happened. What a marvellous experience! I will remember it forever. The Mother bent forward and with both her hands she held my head and pulled it towards her and kissed me on my forehead very firmly. She placed her lips on my forehead and concentrated in that position for some time. Then with exceeding gentleness:

Mother - Don't depend on this body of mine. Try and find me here (anal saying this She placed Her hand on my chest

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and tapped me a few time: quite strongly), find me here.

Then, once again the Mother looked into my eyes. We sat in silence for some time after which we resumed our conversation:

I - Mother, very often I feel that some negative force is attacking me. Often, when I have resolved not to do something specific, I feel constantly assailed by this force. What I had resolved not to repeat comes up once more in me, I get pulled into the wrong movement yet again.

Mother - That happens because you do not fill the empty space within you. Whenever you want to remove something from within you, you must always fill up that empty space. Do you know what happens? Imagine you want to remove jealousy from your being; no doubt, you have removed it from there, but then you haven't filled that empty space left behind with something else. As a result, that space remains empty, a hole is left there. That thing you wanted to remove (jealousy) hasn't been altogether removed, it is still lurking somewhere. You have just driven it away. That keeps looking for a dwelling to move in and you have left your space empty. When it returns and notices that its old dwelling is still unoccupied, it moves into that space once again. That is why, whenever you want to remove something, you must quickly fill it with something higher. Imagine you wish to remove jealousy, then in its place you must put in goodwill or love. Goodwill and love are things of a far higher level than jealousy! Thus when jealousy comes back, it will see that its place has been filled, it has been filled with goodwill and love. Only then will it be unable to enter you. Try doing this and see. Love and goodwill have a tremendous power in them.

I - Mother, when I am alone, I am very quiet and I can remember you very well. But when I am with other people, I am unable to do it. I know, Mother, that I must do precisely that. However, Mother... (hesitating a little), when I do not speak a lot, then there is a natural calm in me and I can keep your Presence within me. But when I am surrounded by people, it is simply impossible for me to retain that calm. I get

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carried away in their talk and begin chatting about all sorts of things and in the process, I lose you.

    Mother - Then, why do you talk?

    I - Mother, I do try not to talk too much...

    Mother - So, who is it that makes you talk?

    I - Mother, when I am in the class or when I am in the Playground with other girls or when I am in the midst of other people, I feel forced to speak. They too speak a lot and I also join in.

    Mother - Yes, people do that a lot here. They go to other people's houses, gossip and speak rubbish and in this way spoil their sadhana, waste their time and energy. Don't talk. Just remain silent. Speak only when absolutely necessary. If you need to speak with regard to your work, then it is all right. Don't speak otherwise. (Looking at me very intently) Don't speak when it is not necessary. Have you understood?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Try and remember this.

    I - Yes, Mother.

    For some time, silence reigned again. The Mother kept looking straight into my eyes while I looked at Her. Then the conversation resumed:

    I - Mother, I feel very scared to tell you something, but I cannot help telling it to you. This has been disturbing me very much.

    Mother - Tell me, what's happened?

    I - Mother, I do not know if this is a dream or some subtle Vision or something created entirely by my imagination! When I lived in Calcutta, these incidents would unfold before my eyes quite suddenly, from time to time, and forgetting everything I would get lost in them. This would happen while I was working or studying and these incidents had no connection at all with me. My work would be interrupted, my revisions would stop, so much would I get carried away by them. This would last for some time, and then these scenes vanished. I Would get back to whatever I was doing. This hasn't stopped even after coming here.

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Mother - What do you see?

I - Suddenly, I see before my eyes a huge palace, absolutely marvellous and exquisite! I see a very well-furnished royal court with a queen seated on an imposing throne. She is my mother. I am her daughter, the royal princess of that kingdom. I am wearing a lovely pale blue Banarasi silk sari with golden zari-work on it. I am a young princess and am conscious of my beauty. I am bedecked with jewelry. My mother, the royal queen, is also dressed in a maroon-coloured Banarasi silk sari and wears a lot of rich jewels on her. Mother, this queen is actually the mother of our Ramanathan who resides in the Ashram. She is Tamil. It is she I see as the royal queen. I used to see her also in Calcutta. Seated on her throne, she is surrounded by ministers, as she listens to her subjects who have come for an audience with her. From time to time, she turns to her ministers to speak with them about matters related to the kingdom. I am watching her from a distance, from a very large verandah that is on the first floor of this palace. Standing in the verandah, I can see a part of the palace and the royal attendants bustling about. Everything about this scene is extremely refined, the palace, the court, the Queen-Mother and I! The Queen-Mother truly looks like an Indian queen. Whenever this scene emerges before my eyes, Mother, I just forget everything! I totally lose myself in it! I become another person when I see these scenes. Not mad exactly... but I become someone else! As if I was no more in this present existence. The other day, this happened to me in the middle of my physical activities in the Sports-ground. I had to tell the captain and leave the ground and sit out for a while. The captain and some other girls began wondering what had happened to me. I could not tell them anything. What is all this, Mother.? Why does such a thing happen to me?

Mother - This is a memory from your past birth. In some past life you lived in that palace, you were a royal princess.

After saying this, the Mother looked on into my eyes with a fixed concentration. Then She put her hand on my head and closed Her eyes and meditated for quite some time, as if She

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were in a trance. I kept completely silent. Then, She came out of that state and returned to Her normal self She looked at me and smiled, that enthralling smile of Hers! I was mesmerised. Needless to say, after this moment, I never saw those scenes again. I resumed:

    I - Mother, now I would like to ask you something about my dance. Have you taken any decision?

    Mother - No.

    I - Mother, I have thought a lot about a particular subject. If you allow me, I can read out what I have written.

    Mother - Yes, read it out.

    I read out what I had written, Fall from Heaven.

    Mother - Yes, it is good. You can put this up.

    I - Mother, how can I show the second part? How can I portray human desires and passions? (The Mother kept quiet for some time, as if in thought.) It isn't possible to show human love on the stage.

    Mother - No.

    I - We cannot even show You on the stage.

    Mother - You can do one thing: you can place a photograph of mine on a small platform on the stage.

    And as She said this, Her eyes closed once more. She went into a trance with Her right hand resting on my head. I was seated at Her feet. After some time She reopened Her eyes and removed Her hand from my head and gave me one more of Her unbelievable smiles. From Her look, I gathered that She had not come out of Her trance-like state quite completely. And soon enough, Her eyes closed once again. This time, Her hand was not resting on my head. That's why I could look at Her to my heart's content, my eyes fixed on Her unblinkingly. Nothing else existed at that moment. The Mother was all I could see. How exceedingly divine, Her beauty! Even in a human body She looked sublimely divine. The very image of the Divine Mother! It was unimaginable! Truly unimaginable! For an instant I was immersed in the Mother. And it became clear to me that anyone who has loved Her can never be enticed or imprisoned by anything the world can give. One day

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he will break free from that chain. If I were to use the words of Nolini-da, I would say, "he or she is finished forever". One who has loved the Mother has been bound to Her forever.

Today, 50 years on, as I have sat down to write about the Mother, I remember that auspicious moment when the Divine Mother acceded to my prayer and gave me a little of Her invaluable time and lent me Her ear. Today my heart overflows with measureless gratitude from the deepest recesses of my being. Let me share my feelings through a poem that I wrote later:

If ever I stray
from You, far away,
Or the lute of my heart
jar in its art,
I beseech you, my Mother,
Ah! forget me not!
Keep holding my hand,
Ah! Abandon me not!
Ah! Abandon me not!

If love of man push me,
To pursuits illusory;
If my love-filled heart
Can love no more impart;
Know still, O my Mother,
Of You I am a part.
Know still, O my Mother,
Of You I am a part.
Of You I am a part.

Life after life, age after age
Trash has piled up
On my being's stage.
In Falsehood's maze
If I lose you ever
All knotted in a daze,
Keep holding my hand,

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Mother! Abandon me not!
Ah! Abandon me not!

The Mother came out of Her trance.

    Mother - Don't make the dance too long.

    I - No, but You did not tell me how I could portray the second part.

    Mother - If you want to show all that, then the dance will become too long. Prepare a simple dance. It is a young girl who is dancing with simplicity and devotion. Then suddenly, she feels that she is looking for something else. Her mind is all aflutter. She goes here and there, looking for something. In the end, she realises that what she had sought, she did not get. At that point (here the Mother sit: up straight in Her chair and Her face becomes radiant), she turns towards the Divine for help. She keeps aspiring and she aspires to the Divine. In the end, her deep aspiration leads her to overcome her problem.

I cannot forget even today that radiance in Her face. How utterly enchanting She looked, celestial, incomparable!

Mother - You will need to find some good musical accompaniment.

    I - Mother, I love Sunil-da's music very much.

    Mother - Yes, you're right. Sunil will be able to do it. Request Sunil to compose something for you.

    I - Mother, will he accept if I tell him.?

    Mother - You're right (laughing!) I will tell him.

    She once again looked intently into my eyes. I too just kept looking at Her with all my concentration, as if nothing else, no one else existed before me. There was only the Mother, only Her.

    Mother - So, shall I get up, my child? Have you anything else to ask?

    I - Yes, Mother, there is something else I would like to share with you but I feel very scared to tell it to you!

    Mother - Tell me.

    I felt as if the Mother had penetrated into my being and was extracting this out of me.

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I - Mother, if I feel that I am attracted to someone, should I keep away from him?

    Mother - What do you mean by 'attracted'?

    I - If I feel some tenderness for someone, if I feel love for him, a love that might obstruct my self-giving to You, then should I detach myself from him or should I keep nurturing that love?

    Mother - Who is it?

    I - Mother, you will scold me if I tell You his name.

    Mother - No, tell me who it is.

     I told Her his name. At once She became quiet and did not say anything for some time. I felt She was in deep thought. Then, She asked me,

    Mother - Where do you meet him?

    I - When I go to the Tennis-ground for Group activities, or when I go to the Ashram for Your darshan, or sometimes I cross him in the street.

    Mother - Do you speak to him?

    I - No, very rarely, very little. I have no real relationship with him. I feel love for him from a distance. The aspiration I strive to awaken in me, I see that in him. That is why I feel this love for him. If I can develop a kind of friendship for him, then I feel it will be better for me. (Touching Her feet) All these feelings, I have them from afar. I have no physical relationship with him.

    After listening to me, the Mother remained silent. She closed Her eyes and went into a trance. It was a deep trance, for I felt She had gone away very far somewhere. I remained seated, stiff with apprehension. Regret entered my mind: why did I have to tell Her about all this? Had I kept quiet about it, what would have happened? Nothing had really happened, after all. It was just my mind's imagination. I was agitated with all these thoughts rising within me. Why had I spoken to Her? It was, after all, such a trivial matter, then why did I blurt it out to Her?

    The Mother now opened Her eyes and came back to her normal state. Looking at me, She spoke:

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    Mother - No, no. All this is full of pain and suffering. It would be better for you to stay away from all this. (Looking at me intently) Human love is full of pain and suffering.

    The Mother went into trance again. When She opened Her eyes they were filled with motherly tenderness. Very sweetly She said to me:

    Mother - Let him quietly go on with his life. You go on quietly with your daily activities. Any attempt to come closer or to build a relationship between the two of you will not lead to peace of mind.

    I - We have no real relationship, Mother. I have no connection or communication with him. We meet only rarely and we exchange just a few words. There's just...

    Mother - What just?

    I - When I stand in front of You, then this insignificant love of mine torments me to no end, it rises like a mirror before me, and tries to destroy my discernment and my sincerity. It keeps taunting me by saying, 'Where is your self- giving to the Mother?' (Placing my hands on the Mother's feet) What should I do, Mother? How can I drive this away.?

    Mother - Don't think about him, don't look at him. Imagine he does not exist. Slowly it will disappear.

    The Mother sat up straight and once again looked intently into my eyes. Seated near the Mother's feet, I placed my hands on Her lap and kept looking at Her. The Mother took some flowers from a tray next to Her and gave them to me. Among the flowers She had given me I recognised two, Peace and Purity. Then She gave me one more flower whose spiritual significance I knew, Simple sincerity. Then, She asked me,

    Mother - Have you understood what I told you?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - So, then, aurevoir!

    The Mother got up and I too at once got up with Her. Then, I bowed down at Her feet and told Her:

    I - You have given me the opportunity to dance in the 1st December programme. What You want is not possible to

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portray through dance just with human effort. It can be possible only through Your divine Grace. Grant me the strength to be able to do this.

The Mother was standing before me. She placed Her right hand on my shoulder and said:

Mother - Fine. It will be possible. So, shall I go then? It is time for the March Past. Aurevoir!

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A Question About The 1st December Programme

This happened in July 1954. The Mother had returned from Her game of tennis to the Playground. She had gone into Her room for a few minutes. After that She would head for the interview room. I was standing on Her way to the interview room because I wanted to ask Her a question. She came to-wards me. I went close to Her and said:

I - Mother, You remember you had told me about a subject for my dance.?

Mother - Yes, my child. You had given me a wonderful idea. In the beginning, everything was fine. Then came the fall. That fall in the middle is not necessary. Why do we need a fall there? No, that is not needed. There is no need to show that all over again. Enough of all that. (The Mother looked at me intently) Take a simple subject and prepare a dance on it. In the beginning, show your devotion, turn that devotion towards the Divine. Gather the different parts of your being (the Mother showed me with both her hand: this idea of gathering oneself), slowly open yourself, open yourself to the Divine. Awaken that aspiration within you. Call out to the Divine to come close to you, keep calling the Divine to take up your responsibility, take up responsibility for your entire being. (Once again looking intently at me) Don't make the dance unnecessarily long. Keep it short. Say only what you want to say. The other day, your dance was very beautiful. I liked it very much because there was nothing superfluous in it, nothing that was not necessary. The entire dance was

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compact and focused. Your bodily movements were very graceful. I really liked the dance. I even told Charupada that your dance was very graceful. I have told Sunil about composing some music for your dance. See you then, my child, Aurevoir!

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About The 'Aspiration' Dance

21^st August, 1954. The person who had had the interview with the Mother came out of the room. I quickly got in. I noticed the Mother was already on Her feet, in order to come out. I asked Her,

    I - Mother, have You decided anything for the 1st December programme?

    Mother - No, nothing yet. I know only two things so far. (the Mother was arranging the flowers on a tray) I don't want a lengthy programme. Last year it had become far too long. I just want two or three dances, one recitation and in the end, two plays.

    I - Mother, You had asked me to dance. Shall I dance?

    Mother - Yes, I have kept your dance.

I - How much time can I have?

    Mother - I can't tell you the exact time, now. I have to first check how much time all the other items are going to take, how long the entire programme will be.

    I have already told you and I am repeating it once again: I did not know how to talk to the Mother. I would talk to Her in a very stupid way, ask Her very stupid questions. However, the Mother in Her infinite compassion, always tolerated all this and forgave. ,

    I - In order to express 'Aspiration' what kind of movement would be appropriate: slow or fast?

    Mother - Why don't you find all this out yourself? This is not my work. Normally people lift their hands like this or like that. (Saying this, the Mother moved Her hands in different ways.)

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    I - Mother, people normally do it in this way, but what is the true way to represent 'Aspiration'? What do You. expect from me.?

    Mother - I don't quite know. I have never taught dance. You can ask somebody. I don't know who can show you the appropriate style for this. (At this point the Mother looked at me very intently.) Why don't you try yourself to create new movements? (Then, She remained once again silent, as if in deep thought.) You know, it is not important whether your movements are in slow or fast speed, or whether your bodily movements go up like this or come down like that. You have to invoke the force of aspiration, call it down. Keep calling, calling and praying to it. This prayerful attitude must go on. Let a deep aspiration rise from deep within your inmost being and come into the outer being and suffuse all your bodily movements. Let this aspiration flow in you, in the smallest atom and particle of your being. Let it flow... That is what I want. My child, this thing is within you (looking at me meaningfully). You will be able to do it. You will. Keep praying, just keep praying. You will succeed.

    The Mother stood in front of Her chair and I was standing in front. A great restlessness stirred within me because I felt that all the advice the Mother had given me, I had not been following. I started feeling quite a worthless child of the Mother. Feeling guilty, I bowed down at Her feet. I spread my arms on either side of Her feet and looking up at Her, implored,

    I - O Mother! Here I am, surrendering myself to You. Make of me Your worthy child.

   The Mother blessed me. She placed Her right hand on my left shoulder and looked into my eyes intently. It is impossible for me to express in words my experience of that day. After that intent look of the Mother, She smiled sweetly and said,

    Mother - Aurevoir, then. I need to go now. It's time for the March-past.

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The Dress-Rehearsal Of The 1st December Programme

The time I am speaking about, it was the Mother Herself who organised the 1^st December programme. It was She who selected the items to be presented on this day and towards the end of November, She would fix a day to watch the different items one by one, after returning from the Tennis-ground. Thus, the Mother fixed a day to see my dance as well. I don't quite remember the exact day now. She sent me information through somebody one day, that She was going to see my dance. This was to be the final rehearsal. She had given me twenty minutes for this dance. The themes for the dance were bhakti (devotion) and aspiration. She had requested Sunil to compose the music. For the first part of the dance on bhakti, the music was more in the traditional Indian style. But even while being traditional, Sunil-da's originality shone through the melody unmistakably. Those who had participated in its realisation were: Debu and Manoj on the sitar, Anil-da (Sunil-da's elder brother) and Bacchu on the sarod, (Debu and Bacchu were Pranab-da's younger brothers), Runu (Manoranjan-da's son) on the flute and Sunil-da himself on the harmonium. The musical composition on bhakti was extremely sweet and melodious. However, since I was accustomed to this kind of Indian orchestral music, it was not very difficult for me to choreograph my dance on it. In fact, I was able to do it quite effortlessly. Then came the second part, aspiration. On the first day, I was quite stunned to listen to Sunil-da's music. It was absolutely amazing! I had never heard anything like it before. The entire composition was so new. One can get to hear something of this in contemporary electronic or fusion music, even though not quite the quality and inspiration found in Sunil-da's work. In 1954, when I heard this music for the first time, to my ears it seemed quite inconceivable and extraordinary. Sunil-da played on the organ and Kanak-da, on the electric guitar. It is difficult to define in words the heavenly music that they created together, using just these two instruments. Chord after chord filled the air and my entire being,

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body, mind and soul felt uplifted to some higher world. Every time I tried to compose a dance, I would just get lost in the music. When the music ended, I'd find myself sitting on the floor, eyes closed, completely transported. The day of the programme approached but my dance composition did not show any progress. Then finally one day, I had to tell the Mother:

I - I have finished composing the first part of the dance, but for the second part on aspiration, I just cannot understand the music. Sunil-da's music is of such a high level of inspiration, so spiritual and uplifting, that I cannot think of any movement that would do it justice. Every time I get down to composing the dance, I get carried away by the music.

    Mother - Keep trying. It will come.

    The Mother concentrated on me and blessed me, probably giving me a little bit of force to enable me to get on with the composition.

    It was November of 1954. I do not recollect the exact date. After Her game of Tennis, the Mother came to see my rehearsal. It was my test before the Mother. At the designated time, She came and sat facing the stage. The stage had been set up on the western side of the Playground between Milli-di's egg-distribution service and Gauri-di's house. At that time there weren't many people in the Playground: a team of electricians, Vishwanath-da and the regular people who stayed around the Mother, and the music-composer of my dance, Sunil-da. I don't remember any other people. Then the music started and I began my dance. The bhakti-part went off quite well. I was totally alert while dancing to this music. Then, it was time for the aspiration dance. Somewhere in the middle of the musical composition, I lost myself. Everything disappeared from my consciousness, the stage, the screens, the Playground, just everything! I felt light like a bird-feather, wafting in an empty space. After some time, I returned to my normal state. The dance was over. The Mother stood up from the chair and started walking towards the stage, towards me. At once, I too moved closer and came and stood next to Her. She smiled with exceeding sweetness:

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Mother - It was good. ( Then, She looked into my eyes and repeated) It was good.

    There was such sweetness and affection in her way of saying 'It was good'!

    I - Mother, did I manage to do what You had asked me to try?

    Mother - In parts. A good part of your attention was still too much on the spectators. But your dance was not bad. It was not bad.

    I bowed at Her feet. The Mother took my right hand into Hers, and started walking with me away from the stage, towards where Sunil-da was standing all by himself. Still holding my hand, She took me to him and asked, "From where did you find this music?" Sunil-da kept quiet. The Mother kept looking at Sunil-da in a deeply loving way. Then, She went into Her room in the Playground. The Mother called both Sunil-da and me separately to Her room. She gave me some flowers and blessed me and said once again, "The dance was good." Sunil-da also had a separate meeting with Her.

    Dancing to Sunil-da's music was quite an extraordinary experience. Absolutely unforgettable. The music he had composed for the aspiration dance was perhaps the harbinger of the future music of the new world, what became subsequently so clear, what the Mother called the 'Music of Tomorrow, the Music of the Future' . The 1^st December programme of 1964 was a dance-drama based on Sri Aurobindo's The Hour of God. We had requested the Mother to record this piece in Her voice. She had graciously accepted. After the 1^st December programme, Sunil-da made use of this recording to compose a new piece and incorporated the music for my 'aspiration' dance in it. This very unusual composition of Sunil-da's was called 'The Hour of God'. As there were several other items in the 1^st December programme, the Mother could not spend a lot of time with me on my dance composition. However, all of us who had taken part in the day's programme had been given the privilege of seeing Her and being blessed by Her.

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I would like to end this piece by expressing my gratitude for being able to spend time with the Mother on several occasions in my endeavour to compose this short piece, right from the 24^th of April when I danced in front of Her, until the end of November. She showed me how to awaken this aspiration within me, how to open oneself physically to the Mother and rise in this effort. The Mother showed me on quite a few occasions, through some movements of Her own body, how to express it. I just cannot describe in words my utter gratitude for this experience. It is part of those unforgettable moments of exceeding joy I have felt in Her presence. Sometimes, She explained to me in words, by describing how to awaken this aspiration in the body. Thanks to this short composition, I was able to come so close to the Mother. I am indeed blessed for receiving this Grace from Her.

Now that after such a long lapse of time, I have sat down to write, and those bygone days have come alive again, like vivid pictures unfolding before my eyes. I tell myself that maybe the Mother had seen in my body, my movements a glimmer of possibility of new creation and that is why She had impelled me on this new path; but I could not prove totally worthy of it. It brings to mind something that She said but which I will express in my own words: To keep repeating what man has done in the past is not our work. We must work for new discoveries, for a new creation. The Mother always inspired and pushed us towards this new creation. What was done in the past, will remain, no doubt. But She never tired of telling us to try and always infuse whatever we were creating with one's inner light, one's distinctive stamp. She never tired of encouraging us. When I think of this new creation, I at once think of Sunil-da's contribution; it is simply incredible, the exceptional work he has left behind in the world of music. In this 1^st December programme what had profoundly stirred me, besides this privilege of coming into Her divine presence, was Sunil-da's music.

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My Most Unforgettable Birthday

Today's birthday (14.12.1954) will remain in my memory for a very long time. The day passed off very peacefully. Right from the morning for some inexplicable reason, I kept feeling that this day was going to be very meaningful. In the morning, I went for the Mother's Balcony darshan, feeling very tranquil and indrawn. After that, I got down to my daily activities, remembering the Mother in a very conscious way. Before the Mother left for Her game of tennis in the afternoon, I went and stood in front of the staircase door next to Nirod-da's room, hoping to see the Mother there. At the assigned time, the Mother came down and as soon as the door of the staircase opened, the Mother's glance fell on me as I was standing right in front. The Mother's gaze fell on me in a way as if she was looking for me. She raised Her right hand in my direction and greeted me with Bonne Fete. The Mother came from the door to the verandah, and approaching me quite close wished me once again Bonne Fete with an intent gaze on me this time. My being was filled and my heart felt fulfilled with the Mother's darshan. In that silence, I prayed to the Mother, Oh, sweet Mother, make me yours! The Mother's eyes were still on me. Once again from deep within my being, a silent prayer rose again, Oh, sweet Mother, turn my entire being towards You. Make me yours! This silent prayer kept echoing deep within my heart. The Mother smiled sweetly at me, cast a significant look as if She had accepted my prayer and keeping that sweet smile on Her face, She moved on towards the car where Pavitra-da was waiting for Her, next to the verandah. The Mother got into the car and proceeded to the Tennis-ground. Some people around me Wished me Bonne Fête, some others, keeping the sweet memory of the Mother's darshan in their heart, left silently. I remained there, all alone, as if held in thrall! I had not learned to write poetry then, but if I had I would have perhaps exclaimed in these later words of mine:

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    Deep Within my heart's night-sky
    You light the way, like lodestar high
    Ever bright in Truth's waxing Light
    Freeing me from falsehood's prison-night.

Deep within my being's folds
    Dust piles up as Time unrolls,
    You 've come 'n cleared it all, behold!
    With your sweeping sparks of liquid gold!

    At the altar of my heart, I know
    Your Love will ever upward grow,
    Like lodestar it will ever glow,
    Like pure spotless blazing snow.

    Upon this earth, this longing heart
    Has kept me going from very start,
    O Mother! I yearn in every part
    To enthrone You in my deepest heart.

    I started walking towards the house, since I had to go for the Group activities. I changed into my sports uniform and left. On returning home, I took the box with the salwar-kameez I had stitched for Her, along with some flowers, and headed for the Playground. The Mother used to normally see us on our birthdays in the morning. I don't quite remember why, but the Mother had asked me that year to see Her after the groundnut distribution at the conclusion of the Marching in the evening. After the day had passed in recollected tranquility, the time had come for my meeting the Mother. I approached the Mother after She had finished distributing groundnuts to everyone, holding a bouquet of flowers and the box containing the salwar-kameez.

    "Bonne Fête, mon enfant" (my child)! the Mother greeted me. She opened the box and looked at the salwar-kameez, "It is very beautiful!" She handed the box to Amiyo-da who was standing next to Her. Then, I offered to the Mother, first the

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Receptivity flower followed by the roses and many other flowers. Then, I prostrated myself at Her feet. She bent down and placed Her hand on my head to bless me. As soon as She had removed Her hand from my head, I stood up. From among the flowers I had offered Her, She chose Receptivity, Sincerity, Transformation and Promise of Realisation and gave them to me one after another. Then, She took two fat books and a bagful of toffees from Amiyo-da, and gave them to me. All that She had given me was spilling over in my hands! Then, placing both Her hands under mine, She looked into my eyes with deep concentration. Our eyes seemed to be interlocked! At that moment everything just vanished - the Playground, myself, the people around, the earth, there was just nothing in front of me - only the Mother and Her two eyes! "My dear child, aurevoir!" she said and went into Her room in the Play-ground. I came back home.

    I quickly had a shower and got ready because Nolini-da and Amrita-da were to come home for dinner. Nolini-da's son, Ranju-da and a very close friend of our family, Rajen-da, also came with them. They all arrived on time. Nolini-da gifted me some of his books along with a sheet of paper, and blessed me.
Two lines of a poem were written on the sheet:

    Hear, O hear, the divine voice intense,
    The Mother's Light shall Death's darkness end.

(Nolini-da)

What a matchless treasure was this blessing from Nolini-da ! We all sat down and talked about so many different things that we did not feel the time pass. It was a great experience and a good fortune to have the company of both Nolini-da and Amrita-da together, They finished dinner and went back to the Ashram. Now, my eyes went directly on the two books the Mother had given me. I was really curious to see the books She had chosen for me: Sri Aurobindo on Himself and on The Mother. As I opened the first page I was taken aback! This is What I found written on the page:

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("To Savitri

14.2.54

with blessings

The Mother")

I just could not make head or tail of this! I held the book close to my bosom and sat like that in silence for some time. I don't remember what happened next. The next morning, I took the book with me and rushed to see Nolini-da as early as was reasonable. I stood quietly outside his room. After some time, Nolini-da came out into the front room and took his seat. Seeing me standing outside, he called me in. My whole body was trembling. Overwhelmed by fear and emotion, I opened the first page of the book and gave it to Nolini-da, "Nolini-da, Mother gave me this book yesterday. Just see the name She has written by mistake." Nolini-da read what was written on the page. I repeated, "Why did Mother write this name, She knows me, doesn't She? How could She make such a mistake?" Nolini-da replied quite firmly, "Is the Mother human that She can make a mistake? There can be many reasons for Her to write this." "What reasons?" I asked Nolini-da at once. "How would I know?" he replied. I was quite nonplussed hearing Nolini-da's reply. Had the Mother really intended to write this name and this date? How would I know the truth?

I remembered Champaklal-ji. I went at once to see him. He was busy working on the first-floor. I asked him, "Champaklal-

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ji, would you have a little time? I would like to ask you something." "Yes, go on," he replied. "Yesterday was my birthday," I told him, "and the Mother gave me two books. Could you tell me, Champaklal-ji, what exactly happened in the Mother's room when She signed these books?" "What would you like to know?" Champaklal-ji asked me. "I want to know who selected the books that the Mother signed for me and what happened when She was actually signing them," I said. Champaklal-ji closed his eyes, and thought a little, then said, "Yesterday, like every day, I told the Mother the names of the people who had their birthday, 'Today is Shobha's birthday, Mother, would you like to give her any books?' 'Which Shobha? Our Shobha?' the Mother enquired. 'Yes, Mother, our Shobha,' I answered. The Mother thought for some time, and then said, 'Give me The Life Divine and Sri Aurobindo on Himself and on the Mother.' I did as told. She wrote in the first book and kept it on Her table. She placed the second book on Her lap, and went into a trance. On returning to Her normal state, She signed the second book. That's all I know." I asked Champaklal-ji, "Did you open the books to see what She had written?" "No," he replied. So I opened the first page of the book and showed it to him. He kept looking at the page for a while, then said in a voice full of gentle affection, "Shobha, you are most fortunate. The Mother has never given such a name to anyone before. You are exceptionally fortunate." Thus, even from Champaklal-ji, I failed to get a satisfactory answer. My last resort was the Mother Herself. But where would I pluck enough courage to ask the Mother? I single-pointedly tried to quieten my mind. What had happened, had happened. I strove to be as calm as possible. A day went by, then a second day, but the mind's restlessness did not quite slacken. 'Why had the Mother done this' kept buzzing in my head.

In the end I decided that come what may, I would ask this question to the Mother one day. If She were to scold me, I would take the scolding. I was just not able to control myself. Finally one day, finding the right opportunity, I asked the Mother, "Mother, why did you give me this name?" I felt

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as if the Mother knew that I had come to ask Her this question. For a few seconds, She looked at me in a significant way, then She said, "One day, you will understand. Keep it as your sacred name."

Today almost sixty years have passed and I still have not been able to unravel the mystery.

Many years after this incident, Nolini-da called me and said, "Shobha, the book Mother had given you in the name of 'Savitri', you can send that book to the Archives. Let it remain there." With deep-felt emotion I replied, "As long as I am alive, Nolini-da, let this book remain with me. It can be handed over to the Archives afterwards." I have treasured this book as a testimony of the divine Mother's Grace.

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Cultivate Your Will-power

17^th September, 1955. The 1st December programme was nearing. I wanted to tell the Mother something in this regard but was not able to find the right occasion. I saw Her today at the interview room. As soon as Her interviews were over, I got into the room and told Her, "I am feeling extremely nervous about the 1^st December programme."

    Mother - What are the items you are in?

    I - I am reciting a poem by Sri Aurobindo and that is what is making me nervous.

    Mother - You did fine, that day. Your voice is fine. There's a good feeling. Are you dancing as well?

    I - Yes, Mother. But the dance is not a problem. But while reciting this poem I just cannot feel Your presence.

    Mother - Well then, that is your fault!

    I - I know, Mother, it reflects my incapacity. I am simply unable to bring about any change in me.

    Mother - (looking at me intently) You will be able to change yourself only when you want it. You have to strengthen your will-power. Develop your will-power. (She looked at me once more very intently) Aurevoir!

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I - Aurevoir, Mother.

After the Mother had told me to develop my will-power, I began praying to Her with a strong aspiration. The 1^st December was around the corner now. I had one single aim and preoccupation: to succeed in my recitation. To try and achieve as completely as possible what the Mother had taught me to do, what Norman-da (Dowsett) had shown me. With deep inwardness, I began working on myself in order to cultivate will-power and to bring about the concentration required for reciting Sri Aurobindo's poem. It would not be incorrect to say that in those days, that was how we did the sadhana. That was the purpose of our life's adoration: whatever the Mother wanted, in whichever work it might be, to bring that into our life.

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Om

For the 1^st December programme of 1955, the Mother had selected four girls to recite two poems of Sri Aurobindo, Ascent and Descent: Arati-di, Light (Manoranjan-da's daughter), Chhanda and myself. In those days, the Mother had given the responsibility of this annual programme to three people: Anu-ben was in charge of dance, Sunil-da was in charge of music, and theater was the responsibility of Norman-da. That year, it was Norman-da who had taught us how to recite the two poems. He had typed out the poems for all four of us so that we could commit them to memory. Then at a fixed time, we used to go to him in order to learn about recitation, to work on our pronunciation, etc. At times, I would go and stand at the entrance to the Mother's interview room in the Playground if I had something to tell Her.

It was on one such occasion. The Mother's interviews had just ended. I hurried to the door and asked Her if I could come inside. The Mother nodded. I requested her, handing her Sri Aurobindo's poem Ascent, if She would kindly read out the portions I was supposed to recite. I was supposed to read out quite a few lines from the opening. There was just one reason

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for bothering the Mother in this way: it was a pretext or an excuse to be in Her presence. Out of Her infinite compassion and patience, She would bear with my ploys and accept to see me. That day, She took the paper from me, opened it out. Unfortunately She had no time, so She asked me to return on the following day at the same time. Accordingly I went and stood with the poem next to the interview-room. As soon as the interviews were over, I peeped in and asked Her if I could come in. The Mother consented and I got in, and sat at Her feet. "I have brought the poem I have to recite. You told me to come," I said. "Yes, I remember," She replied graciously.

There used to be a table next to the Mother's chair, on which stood a table-lamp and some flowers on a tray. She took the paper from my hand, and looked at it in silence. Then, She turned Her gaze on me and began reading:

Into the Silence, into the Silence,
Arise, O Spirit immortal...

Such marvellous lines from Sri Aurobindo! In the Mother's voice, they sounded so beautiful! Her style of recitation was indescribable in words, such power in Her reading, the depth, clarity and poise of Her voice. It was a most exceptional experience! That day, I came out of the interview room after having listened to the Mother's reading. Her words 'Into the Silence, into the Silence' kept ringing in my ears. Had we got the facilities to record as we do today, how many people could have enjoyed listening to this recitation by the Mother! But let me get back to my narrative. After a few days, the Mother listened to my recitation of the same poem. She liked it but She corrected me at a few places. She told me to return after practising it for some time. My joy knew no bounds to hear that I could come back to see Her! Something unpleasant happened in the afternoon of the day I was supposed to go back to Her. I had gone to work with Prithwisingh-da and, for no reason, he scolded me very rudely without telling me where I had erred. I went back home and told my mother about it as I was extremely upset. I went for sports and then in that same

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somber mood, went and stood in front of the interview room. The Mother called me in when it was time.

Quietly, I went in to sit at Her feet. The Mother looked at me for a while then asked, "Have you practised? Then start." I began my recitation. I kept making mistakes, as I hesitated again and again. The memory of Prithwisingh's scolding kept intruding. I had never made so many mistakes while reciting! The Mother kept listening to me, seated in Her chair, without saying a word, without reprimanding me. In the end, I just broke down into tears. My sobbing was uncontrollable. The Mother straightened up in Her chair and said, "Come, let's recite 'Om' together. I will start and you follow." Thus, the Mother started chanting 'Om'. With the Mother's divine force, all my gloom was simply obliterated! I felt such a peace! The whole room, my entire being was full of this peace! The Mother's eyes were fixed on me. After some time, She spoke again, "When you feel unwell, or when some unpleasant, ugly force or thought tries to attack you, and you want to stay away from it, then keep chanting 'Om'. You will see how those hostile forces disappear. You will feel a tremendous peace within you." Then the Mother fixed me with Her eyes again. "When something disturbing happens to you," She resumed, "something that makes you restless, agitated, keep repeating this mantra over and over again, Om Shanti! Shanti! Shanti!" It was unbelievable how my mood changed! Now, I took up the recitation of Sri Aurobindo's poem again, and returned home carrying a priceless jewel in the depth of my heart. What a Grace I had received from the Mother!

A few days later, when I returned to the Mother to practise my recitation of the poem for the 1^st December programme, I got into the interview-room, placed both my hands on Her feet and prayed, "Sweet Mother, teach me to chant 'Om'." The Mother did not respond. She sat up straight in Her chair, while I sat below at Her feet. Then, She began chanting Om. I simply listened to Her this time, hypnotized, staring at Her chanting with Her eyes closed. She chanted Om only a few times, for a very short while. The table-lamp was aglow beside

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Her. She was wearing a white silk salwar-kameez, with a kitty-cap covering Her head. I was quite transported, lost in that divine experience! Nothing else existed then, no room, no me, just nothing at all! There was only that all-powerful, all-victorious vibration created by the Om chant and the radiance of the small lamp beside the Mother. This little lamp's glow was multiplied a hundredfold, and flooded the room with light! In that flood of light, there was the divine Mother and myself seated in a prayerful state at Her feet. Then, I raised my head and looked at the Mother. She ended the Om chant. A wordless silence reigned for some time. The lingering trail of the Om vibration still continued in the room and in my ears. Slowly the Mother opened Her eyes and turned Her gaze on me in speechless silence. Seated at the feet of the Mother, I experienced that day the tremendous power of silence. Then the Mother said, "Now, you chant Om. I touched Her feet and said, "Mother, I won't be able to say Om today. I have lost myself in You today." The Mother did not say anything to that. Then, after a while, She explained, "Find an open space, like a room or under the sky or on the seafront, and then sit down and keep chanting Om the way I have shown you. If you keep practising this with inwardness, you will see how much peace you will get. This will widen your being. You will observe a vastness, a massive consciousness that is growing within you. Just try."

On another day, I went up to see the Mother. A question arose in my mind. I asked Her, "How can one go deep within oneself?" "Haven't I explained this so many times?" came Her reply. She remained in a meditative state for a long time, as if She had gone into a deep trance. Then, on coming out of it, She said, "Keep your body in a comfortable position and then start chanting Om. Go on with this chanting of Om. You will notice that you are standing at the mouth of a dark tunnel, a long, narrow tunnel. Do not stop chanting Om, continue doing so seriously and with single-mindedness. You will observe that the dark tunnel is becoming brighter. Keep doing this practice. Keep chanting Om. Do this as many times

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as possible. One day, you will see you have reached the end of this tunnel - in the deepest part of your inner being - there the Lord resides, your inner deity dwells there. This practice is very hard and demands a lot of sadhana. But if you practise it regularly, then one day you are bound to succeed." After saying this, the Mother looked at me for a while very intently, then said, "Aurevoir, my dear child!" "Aurevoir, Douce Mère," I replied, as I bowed down and came out of the room.

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The Day Of The Programme

On 1^st December, all the participants of the day's programme would go to see the Mother. She blessed them all, seeing each of the participants one by one. I remember the 1^st December programme of 1955. I went to see the Mother with some flowers I had selected to offer Her. I bowed down to Her and stretched out both my hands in front. The Mother started giving me flowers one after another, each flower chosen according to the need in me for the change I was working on. She put Her left hand under both my hands and held them, looking into my eyes intently in silence. After some time, I asked the Mother, "Mother, when we recite a poem by Sri Aurobindo or we do any cultural programme connected with Him, does He come?" The Mother answered,

"Yes, if you call Him, he comes." She continued to give me flowers in the meantime. "But that call has to be sincere."

I did not say anything more. I bowed to Her once more and came out of the room.

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An Experience During The 1st December Programme

This evening was to be our programme. The 1^st December programme was for us like an offering of adoration. We did not feel as if we were going to perform, it felt like it was a day of adoration, of puja as we say in India. It was an important, significant occasion as it was an opportunity for us to live in Sri Aurobindo's Presence. For the entire day, we tried to remain in that state of consciousness.

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The programme started in the evening. Our recitation of Ascent and Descent marked the opening. I had to recite the first lines. The programme did not take place at the Theater then, but at the Playground. The Mother sat right in front of the stage in a chair. On either side of the Mother sat Amiyo-da, Gauri-di, Minnie-di, Millie-di, Priti-di and Violette-ji. Four of us, Arati-di, Light, Chhanda and I, dressed in white Georgette sari and white blouse, stood on the stage ready for the programme to begin. The curtains had still not been drawn. Arati-di and I stood near the front lights downstage, upstage stood Light and Chhanda. All four of us stood in deep concentration remembering the Mother. Then a gong was sounded and the curtains began to slowly open. The Playground was packed. Almost the whole of the Ashram was present to witness the programme. I began the recitation:

Into the Silence, into the Silence,
Arise, O Spirit immortal,
Away from the turning Wheel, breaking

the magical Circle.

Ascend, single and deathless:
Care no more for the whispers and the shoutings. ..

I continued reciting. Then I suddenly forgot a part of a verse. I don't remember which line exactly, but I do remember that I could see from where I was standing the two windows of Gauri-di's room and that there were some people watching our programme from there. I was looking in their direction, and then suddenly I felt I could see on the wall of Gauri-di's room, very hazily, two feet. Nothing else but these two hazy feet on the grey coloured wall. Seeing the feet, I felt as if Sri Aurobindo was standing there, dressed in a dhoti. He was slim in appearance and had worn the dhoti in the Bengali style. I could see a little of the dhoti near His feet. It was a little hazy and unclear, but I could see Him.

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Before I could look at the upper part of His body, the figure vanished. My experience of Him was unmistakable, though. For a few seconds, all my consciousness was focused on that heavenly luminous sight of Lord Sri Aurobindo. I kept staring in that direction longing to catch sight of His face. But that was not to be. My focus slowly shifted back to the recitation and the programme. I remembered I was reciting a poem. My part was now over. Arati-di, who was standing on the same side as me, began reciting. Even as I stood on the stage, all kinds of thoughts began crossing my mind. I must have certainly interrupted my recitation on seeing Sri Aurobindo, I thought. What was I doing during that time, then? I clearly remember starting the recitation. But what happened afterwards? Had I truly seen that hazy figure of Sri Aurobindo or was it merely my imagination? Can a girl like me be blessed with such good fortune? No, that's impossible! And similar thoughts invaded my mind in an endless train! I was not focused at all on the other girls' recitations. As I stood on the stage, inwardly I was burning with repentance and pain. The recitation finally came to a close. Without exchanging a word or glance with anyone, I got down from the stage and went directly to the green-room in order to prepare myself for the next item which was a dance choreographed by Anu-ben. I had a small part in it too. While Millie-di was helping me get ready, I was lost in a thousand thoughts. What had I done.? I had stopped my recitation mid-way because I was carried away by this darshan of Sri Aurobindo! How much time the Mother had accorded me to help me prepare for this recitation! It had all gone to waste! How could I do such a thing in front of Her, in front of so many people? For this particular 1^s^t December programme, there were several small items. Once the programme was over, it was at last our turn to go and see the Mother.

We approached Her room in a line to get Her blessing. Now, it was my turn to enter. Deeply absorbed in my thoughts, stricken by regret and pain, I went silently in and sat near Her feet. I grabbed Her feet and tears began rolling

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down endlessly. No words came out of me. The Mother held my chin with Her right hand and I looked up at Her with watery eyes. That familiar enchanting smile adorned Her lips, as She kept looking at me. There was neither anger nor any kind of reproach in Her look, just compassion! Gently laughing, She said, "Why are you crying? Your recitation was fine! While your inner being was having that experience, your outer being continued with the recitation. You did not make a single mistake in the recitation. You did well."

What a solace I found in those words of the Mother, you cannot imagine and words are incapable of translating! In silence I bowed to Her, was blessed, and came out of the room. Holding that inexpressible experience in the deepest recesses of my being, with unhurried steps I moved towards the Red House. The Lord's name was echoing in the chamber of my heart.

In every act and word of mine,
Descend, O Lord, and abide!
All grime within me undivine,
Go out forever from my side.

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Making The Salwar-kameez For The Mother

I was going to be 21. In those days as I mentioned earlier, on our birthdays all of us used to take something we had made to offer to the Mother. Some would embroider beautiful handkerchiefs, some would make greeting cards for Her. I used to make a set of salwar-kameez as my birthday offering. After buying the dress material I would go and give it to Vasudha-ben's embroidery department where sadhikas like Ichcha-ben, Bela-di and Minu-di used to work. They would cut the cloth and in the first year they had even taught me how to prepare a salwar-kameez. I used to study at the school then. The hand-stitching of this dress for the Mother took quite some time. I would go to the embroidery-department

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whenever I found some time from school or on Sundays. Once the salwar-kameez was stitched, I made the design on it for embroidery. In those days Krishnalal-ji used to teach me drawing. I used to always show Krishnalal-ji my design. In 1955 my salwar-kameez was ready by the 13^th December because on the 14^th was the Mother's class day and it would not be possible to meet Her. That's why I had planned to go and give my offering of love to the Mother on the 13^th after the interviews in the Playground were over in the evening. My pranam would happen only on the 15^th , not the 14^th.

I went and stood in front of the interview room with the salwar-kameez packed in a beautiful box. As soon as the interviews got finished I peeped into the room to ask the Mother if I could come in. The Mother nodded. I went in and sat at Her feet, offering the box to Her. The Mother asked,

    Mother - Today is your birthday?

    I - Not today, tomorrow, Mother. Tomorrow You have a class and so I won't be able to come to see You. That's why I have come to make my offering today.

    Mother - Yes, I'll see you day after tomorrow.

    The Mother opened the box and kept it on the table and looked at the dress and the design very attentively. This is one thing that we have learnt from the Mother, which is extremely rare among humans, that is to give the utmost attention and love to the smallest and most ordinary of things. She would see and keep all these things with so much care and love. She always encouraged us immensely to learn new things, to make new things. This is verily a remarkable gift for all of us. She looked at the design I had embroidered on the kameez very closely, and then She said,

    Mother - It's very beautiful. Have you done all this by yourself by hand?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - The drawing is by you? And the embroidery too?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - It's very lovely indeed. Would you like me to wear this dress tomorrow?

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    I - As you wish, Mother.

    Mother - Then I'll wear it day after tomorrow, when you come to see me. (Looking at me) Is everything fine? Are you fine?

    I remained silent. The Mother asked again,

    Mother - Are you fine?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Then, aurevoir!

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In The Grip Of Jealousy

It was a moment in my life when I had fallen into the clutches of jealousy. It was connected With the Mother, about going to the Mother, about being able to spend time with Her. I began to feel within me anger towards all those who were given the opportunity to work with Her or to stay close to Her. I was not among those fortunate ones. I met the Mother exactly like the ordinary Ashramites did, not with the frequency allowed to some chosen ones. The anger and jealousy caused by this feeling brought a lot of suffering too in its trail.

I went to see the Mother on 15^th December, the day after my birthday. I had seen the Mother only from a distance on my birthday. I had never imagined that a birthday could be so full of pain. On the 14^th afternoon, when the Mother was to go out of the Ashram, I had gone, like every day, to stand near the staircase door next to Nirod-da's room in order to catch a glimpse of Her. The Mother came out punctually but She did not look in my direction, She did not wish me Bonne Fete as She normally would do. From here, I went to the Tennis-ground and there too, the Mother did not look at me. When in the evening it was time for Her to return from the Playground, I went and stood near the staircase door, hoping this time at least to be seen by Her. My whole being was restlessly eager to receive a gracious, compassionate gaze from Her. She arrived and turned Her eyes on me; a long, penetrating significant look. But She did not smile, nor did

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She greet me with Bonne Fête. She headed straight for Debu's room and went inside. Those around me who had come for darshan slowly scattered. Only I remained, deeply pained, as with thirsting eyes I looked on at the receding footsteps of the Mother heading for the staircase. I just told myself, Lord, may such a birthday never befall anyone! Then 15^th December arrived, the day I was supposed to go and see the Mother. She saw me at night. She was wearing the salwar-kameez I had prepared for Her. I offered Her the bouquet of flowers I had carefully selected for the Mother. She observed the flowers offered very attentively, and from these She selected some to give back to me, which She kept in Her left hand. I bowed down at Her feet. She placed Her hand on my head and kept it there for a long time. When She removed Her hand from my head, I raised my face. With an irresistibly gentle divine smile, She wished me Bonne Fête and offered me a bouquet of flowers and a book. After that, one after another, She handed me Sincerity, Transformation, Tender Love, Purity and some other flowers. Holding Her hands in mine, I told the Mother, "I have caused great hindrance to your work. Please forgive me for it."

    Mother - (She was holding some Transformation flower in Her left hand which She off ered to me)If this kind of revolt does not recur in you again then I shall forgive you. But if this were to recur, then I will not forgive you. This revolt is very bad.

    I - Mother, I do try not to get caught by this revolt. It is the last thing I myself desire. But when the actual moment arrives...

    Mother - Then everything disappears, doesn't it? But my dear child, that is what you need to develop, will-power. If you are not able to do it at that time, then call me or visualize that I am standing before you. Then you will never be able to do such a thing. This is where the mind's determination comes into focus. (The Mother placed Her hanol over my heael and shook it) There will be no more difficulty. It is finished.

    I - (very emotionally) Mother, will I ever get transformed?

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    Mother - I hope it happens, my Child. That is why you are here, isn't it.? (Taking my hands in a very meaningful way) We do not wish to see that revolt again. See you then, my child. Bonne Fête and aurevoir!

    I - Douce Mere, aurevoir.

    After that day's incident, this revolt never returned. With a still mind, I got back to my work and my studies. I tried to remember everything that the Mother had told me to do. That anger and jealousy I used to feel for others who could approach the Mother disappeared completely from my being.

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An Attempt At a Dance-drama On Savitri

I used to go for the Mother's blessing every Sunday morning. Now I don't recollect the year. It was on one such Sunday. I asked the Mother, "Mother, I would like to do a dance-drama on Savitri. Can I do it?"

She was selecting the flowers from the flower-tray then. She did not say anything. She kept handing me the flowers silently into my hands and then said, "Do you want to do the dance-drama on Savitri?" She mimed some movements with both Her arms and added, "You'll dance like this.? Like this?" Both of us laughed. She remained silent for some time and then said, "I would rather Savitri were only recited, in a very simple way, without adding any unnecessary outer drama or emotion. Very simply. No director can reach that lofty height from where Sri Aurobindo wrote Savitri. That's why it is better not to play with it. Either a simple, very simple recitation, or simply meditate on the lines." I replied, "Oh, Mother, there are such marvellous lines in Savitri on Nature!" "Yes, you could take those," the Mother answered, "but not the ones that express deep, spiritual experiences." While She kept giving me flowers, She added, "Why don't you choose something else other than Savitri ? Leave Savitri alone."

After hearing these words from the Mother, I never raised this topic of wanting to do a dance-drama on Savitri again.

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However, in another dance-drama, I did utilise some lines from there, more for their meditative nature. There were no illustrative movements with those lines. Just the Mother's reading of lines from Savitri accompanied by Sunil-da's music and some lines describing Nature that She had allowed me to use. I will come to that dance-drama a little later.

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My Birthday Of 1963

I went to see the Mother, taking a bouquet of flowers and the salwar-kameez for Her packed in a pasteboard box. She first took the flowers from my hand and looked at them attentively. She selected some from this bunch to give to me and kept these in Her hand. Then She had a look at the salwar-kameez, at the design and the embroidery and then exclaimed, "It's very beautiful! You have a fine aesthetic sense. Beautiful, my child. Would you like me to wear this for the evening?" "As you wish, Mother," I replied. "Then I will wear it this evening," She said. Then, once again she looked at the salwar-kameez closely and handed over the box to Champaklal-ji. Then She looked at me in silence with a very joyful expression. A little later, She asked, "What would you like from me today?" On every birthday, the Mother used to give us books and toffees. Probably She wanted to know which book I wanted, but this time I felt She was asking the question in a somewhat different way. I, therefore, understood this question from the divine Mother in a much deeper way. I really felt it was the divine Mother, the Mother of the world, asking me what I wanted on my birthday. Why should I then ask for something very ordinary, very material like a book or toffees? So I told Her, "Mother, make me one of the noblest of human beings." Maybe the Mother was not expecting such an aspiration from me. She straightened up in Her chair and very intently fixed Her eyes on me. In silence. Then taking the birthday card from Champaklal-ji, She wrote on it:

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(Happy Birthday to Shobha!

    With my blessings for the realisation of your highest aspiration.)

    There was another very beautiful quotation on the back of the card:

    The Grace is always with you. With a quiet mind, concentrate on your heart. You will certainly get its help and guidance.

The Mother

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Will I ever transform myself?

"Will I ever transform myself?" I had asked the Mother this question on three different occasions, each time on my birthday. The first time it was as I touched Her feet.

    I - Sweet Mother, will I transform myself?

    Mother - Certainly, my child, certainly. That is why you have come here.

    The second time was a few years later, again on my birthday.

    I - Sweet Mother, will I transform myself?

    Mother - I hope it happens, my child. That is why you are here, isn't it?

    The third time I asked once again that same question.

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    I - Douce Mère, will I ever transform myself?

    Mother - Yes, yes, yes. When I say something, I also put into it the necessary force for it to be realised.

    I had begun to tremble hearing the Mother speak in that loud divinely puissant voice. Touching Her feet, I was still trembling as I told Her, "Forgive me, Mother; I said something stupid once again." Placing Her right hand on my forehead, She replied, "Have faith in me, my dear child. It is bound to happen one day."

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A Dream

A humongous frightening black cloud, covering the Whole sky and the whole earth, and in the shape of a wave, is advancing towards me like a demon out to devour me. I am floating like a light feather in that void. There is nothing, no earth, no human beings, no houses, no home, nothing! Just this horrendous black cloud trying to gobble me up as I waft helplessly in this emptiness. Far away, beyond that black demon of a Cloud, on the left, in the sky, there's just a glimmer of golden light. Stifling that lone streak of golden light and piercing the sky, this black cloud is moving forward to destroy me. Then suddenly, in the midst of that glimmer of light, I catch a glimpse of the Mother in Her all-powerful, triumphant form. She is looking at me as She stands upright. I know She is there to protect me, She is calling me. Very slowly that divine Light exuding from the Mother is spreading over that demoniac black power and wiping it away. Eventually, the entire sky is now under the sway of that Light and in that shining sky I am floating like a golden feather on this overflowing ocean of the Mother's radiance. Ah, how deeply moving was this dream! But was it a dream or an experience?

When I went to the Mother for Her blessing, I told the Mother about this dream. The Mother did not make any comments. She just held both my hands in Hers and

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meditated looking into my eyes in silence. I cannot forget that embodiment of the Mother, exuding love, compassion and sweetness. Then, She gave me a photograph of Sri Aurobindo and Hers, printed alongside and signed by both, small enough to be put in one's pocket. I still have that photograph with me. Here it is:

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My French Class

One day, Pavitra-da called me and said that the Mother wanted me to take French classes from the following year (1957). This is how it happened: in those days Tinkori-da used to look after the Bengali section. He had conveyed to Pavitra-da through Sisir-da that the Bengali section was in need of teachers and he had suggested my name. As soon as Pavitra-da informed the Mother about this, She at once replied that Shobha would not take Bengali classes but instead ask her to take some French classes from the following year. When this was told to me, I was flabbergasted. I did not say anything to Pavitra-da. Later, when I went for the Mother's darshan, I told Her, "Mother,

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Pavitra-da told me a few days ago that you wanted me to take French classes next year."

    Mother - Yes, the School wanted you to take Bengali classes. So I told Pavitra that you would not take Bengali but French classes.

    I - So, Mother, you would like me to teach French from next year? But will I be able to?

    Mother - Yes, you will. I have heard you speak French. Your pronunciation is good. You speak French well. My dear child, you are capable of taking French classes. Taking classes will help you learn this language even more, and it will also help you develop your personality. I have selected you for this because you will progress a lot through this.

    After saying this, She gave me some flowers in my hand and blessed me. Bowing down to Her, I retraced my steps. I came and stood at the Samadhi for a while. My being was overjoyed at this unexpected proposal of the Mother's. But from time to time, I was also overcome with nervous fear. Would I be able to? Would I be able to take up this difficult responsibility? Being a teacher is no simple task, as it involves great responsibility. With all these thoughts buzzing in my head, I headed home. As I was walking, I remembered something from my French class: my French teacher, Bharati-di would always introduce me to a newcomer with a teasing "Here is the girl who always lives in the moon!" Then my mind went back to another incident connected with the 1^st December. It was the dress-rehearsal day. In those days, a few days before the 1^st ,the programme was performed with costumes, make-up, lights and sound, and the Mother came to witness it. (This tradition has continued to this day.) So that day, the Mother arrived at the Playground for the dress-rehearsal. She watched the programme after which all the participants surrounded the Mother. She was sitting in front of the stage. While the Mother was commenting on the programme, everyone listened to Her in intense concentration. Anuben, I remember, was standing on the Mother's right while I stood a little away on Her left along With the other dancers. Then the Mother suddenly turned

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towards me. Pointing at me, She kept repeating, "She doesn't understand French. Please translate to her everything I said." Everyone turned their eyes on me. I felt terribly embarrassed, ashamed and humiliated. The Mother's pointing me out with Her finger in front of everybody had hurt and shamed me so deeply that there and then, I resolved to learn French and show Her that I did understand the language and would not need an interpreter. I must confess that the Mother's words before everybody that day had touched my self-respect to the quick. But then, who could say anything to the divine Mother? And so I had to swallow my pain. Whatever She had done was for my good after all. So only when the proposal for taking French classes came from Her, did I understand! In the words of Rabindranath Tagore:

A blow from you, ah! it's Your touch!
A much yearned-for recompense!

Had the Mother not spoken to me in those words, I would never have applied myself to learn French to that extent. It would have happened at a much slower pace. And lo and behold! I began taking French classes from the following year as She had instructed. This was to be my first experience of teaching. Let me tell you a couple of things about these French classes, for through them one can get a glimpse of the Mother's ways of working. And what a difference there is between Hers and ours!

Before settling in Pondicherry for good in 1951, I was studying the Intermediate at the Scottish Church College after passing the entrance test. On the previous year, when I was in class IX, an All-Bengal literary composition competition had been organised. Almost all the schools in Bengal had participated in this competition. From St. Margaret's School I had been selected. The subject of the composition was 'Rishi Bankim'. I came first in the competition among all the participants of Bengal, and a big silver cup was awarded to me. The Mother knew about this. I had also told Her that out of gratitude to my school, St. Margaret's, I had offered

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them the cup with my name written on it. Nolini-da had communicated to me the Mother's joy at this piece of news.

    Now, let me come back to the Mother's way of working with regard to my taking French classes. She was indeed divine! Whether this happened two years earlier or later, She knew that my command over Bengali was much greater than over French. And yet, She insisted on my taking French classes! Why? I have never understood what was behind the Mother's thinking since I did not ever raise this topic with Her. However, I took Her decision as an act of Her Grace and I have been more than rewarded and made a lot of progress. The Mother had told me that I would progress a lot by taking these classes and so I tried to live up to this challenge with as much inner sincerity as I was capable of.

    I began my French classes. I set out to fulfil my duty with one-pointed concentration. A few years later, a new system of education called Free Progress was launched in the school. This was an inconceivably new concept. One day Tanmay-da (Jean Raymond), a French teacher of the school, explained to me the whole philosophy and workings of this new system in great detail. He also mentioned that the Mother had selected a few teachers to work in this section. I was one among these. That was the reason for his explaining to me the entire set-up. And so as per Her wishes, Paru, Dhanvanti and myself took on the responsibility of 45 students of this Free Progress system. Whether this concept of the Free Progress system originated from the Mother, I couldn't say, but it was extraordinary. If I were to highlight the special qualities of the educational philosophy behind this system, I would need to write an entire Chapter. So let me not even attempt it here. All I can mention before moving on is that it is immensely beneficial to any true seeker of knowledge and of real education.

    I would like to quote here a most significant exchange I had with the Mother which is profoundly illuminating for teachers. A young student in my class did not seem to have any desire for learning French for over six months. On top of that, he would perturb the class by irritating his classmates,

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ridiculing them and trying, in every possible way, to hinder the smooth running of the lesson. In spite of all my attempts at making him understand, his mischief did not cease. It became absolutely impossible to keep him quiet and continue with the class. At that point, I was so upset that I felt I should inform the Mother about it. So, one day while I was with the Mother for Her blessing, I told Her, "Mother, X. does not study in my class. Moreover, he perturbs the class, never keeps quiet and harasses the others. He doesn't seem to have any inclination for studies. I cannot tolerate his behaviour any longer, Mother. It's becoming unbearable,"

As soon as I said this, the Mother flared up. Very loudly, She said, "Why do you want him to study? Is it because you want him to study?" The Mother said this with such force that my body began to tremble out of fear. The Mother remained Silent for a While. She put the flowers I had given Her in the tray and then resumed, "This is how teachers are. Students must do what they want. They have to study because teachers want them to study. Can I ask you - why.? Why do they have to study? Doesn't the student have any right to follow his own temperament and nature?" Then looking at me, She continued, "Why should everyone be obliged to study? If any student happens to be a little different from the others, then it is for the teachers to find a way to get that kind of student interested in the subject, to get him enthused enough to want to study that subject. Whatever you do, it is always the same. You Want to follow just one system. The teachers have to work very hard, have to try different things. But they do just the opposite, they start blaming, for no justifiable reason, the student for everything, calling him unworthy and worthless."

After that the Mother kept silent for a long time. The force and conviction of the Mother's words had shaken me deeply. It felt as if the surrounding walls of the room were trembling too. What power there was in Her words! It is possible that because of my fear I may not be able to recollect everything She said, but there was such firmness in the way She saw the whole thing. Her words have left an indelible

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mark on my being. I sat in silence at Her feet for quite some time. Then the Mother spoke once again. Her voice was now quite different, very calm.

    Mother - When you are up against such a situation in the class, then you have to make an effort, my dear child, you have to try out a different method which can help you get the student's attention and interest for this subject. If there is a student who does not seem to be interested, then you must find out why he is not interested. Perhaps his mind wants things differently. Perhaps, he likes the subject but he does not like the way you approach the subject!

    I - Mother, whenever children are mischievous in the class, there is turmoil in the class, is it always the teacher's fault?

    Mother - Yes, invariably. It just means that the teacher is unable to control the class. As soon as a student finds out that the teacher has no control over himself, that he or she is weak, his mischief increases even more. You have to be truly firm. You have to bring that discipline, first over yourself. You have to be constantly vigilant. Otherwise it's all lost, everything gets out of control.

    I - Mother, when we have made a mistake and realise that we have done so, what should we do.?

    Mother - Accept it. All human beings make mistakes. When you go to the class next time, openly accept your mistake in all humility before the students. Tell them that what you told them earlier about the subject under discussion was incorrect. This is how it should be! And then tell them the right thing. In this way, the students will not only respect you more but what is more, they will themselves learn to grow in humility. Humility, my dear child, be humble and simple like a flower. Spread your humility and your simplicity, spread your purity all around. (The Mother concentrated on me for a while.) Don't misunderstand my scolding you. You are an important teacher among the lot. Make your heart more generous, make it vast like the ocean. In that vastness, you will see, there is a place for everything, every experience of life has its place there. That is the supreme truth. Let me end here. Aurevoir!

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I began to work day and night to try and find a way that Would help me to bring about a change in the student in question. I gave him plenty of extra time, talking to him alone, Working with him individually, in order to know what he really wanted. Slowly I understood that his real passion was drawing and painting and that he wanted to be an artist. I myself used to learn drawing with Krishnalal-ji then. I was happy to see that both of us were fond of art, and so I began teaching him French through art. A harmonious rapport developed between us and his sense of involvement grew to such an extent that in the Free Progress section, he turned out to be second overall and first among the 45 in French! The Mother was delighted to hear this and blessed us both. Another thing I would like to add before closing this chapter: this boy blossomed into a very fine artist!

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A French Poem On My Birthday

My birthday of 1956. For this birthday, I wrote a poem in French to offer to the Mother. It was called La Gratitude. I decorated the paper containing the poem with a hand-drawn Outline frame. Hardly had I got into Her room that She greeted me with "Bonne Fete, mon enfant!" I offered my poem to Her saying, "Mother, I've written a poem for you in French." She was very happy and replied, "Ah! you've written a poem in French? Very good!" and She took the paper from my hand and started reading the poem. As I had not kept a copy of the paper I offered to the Mother, I am unable to reproduce that here. The theme of the poem was the profound gratitude I felt towards the Mother, gratitude first for bringing me here, for giving me shelter at Her feet, for Her constant love and compassion that continue to surround and protect me. The Mother read the poem and then looked at me for a long time. Then, She remarked, "The poem is beautiful, very beautiful!" Once again, She penetrated my being with Her intense look, as if She was going deeper and deeper to see how sterling and

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rooted was my gratitude. Then She said in a deeply contented voice, "You've given me such a beautiful poem, now What can I give you?" Champaklal-ji was standing next to Her. She took a pad and a pen from a side-table and began writing something. In the meantime, I just sat on at Her feet, and kept savouring every moment of being in Her presence. After a while, She handed the paper to me, "Here, take this. This is a small poem from me. Recite it every morning on waking up." Here is the poem She gave me:

Je te salue, O Mere,
Dans une gratitude intense.
Que dans ma vie rayonne
Ton unique presence.

(I salute you, O Mother,
In gratitude intense.
In my life may You radiate
Your peerless Presence.)

The Mother repeated, "Recite this every morning on waking up," then offered me a book, some flowers, this poem and blessed me.

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Programme By The French Class

The year the Mother asked me to take French classes, even though it was going to be my first experience of teaching this language, I had already begun to speak and express myself in French. And so could the boys and girls of my French class to some extent. Somewhere in the middle of the year, my students suggested doing a play in French in front of the Mother. The Mother was informed and She agreed. I told Her that I would dramatise the story called 'Self-control' from Her book Belles Histories (Tales of All Times) and the students would perform it. I asked Her if we could do this as a dance-play. She agreed and added that after the dramatisation was done, I should show it to Nolini-da. So after the play-writing was

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over, I took it to Nolini-da to read. A few days after this, when I went on Sunday to see the Mother, She said, "Nolini was saying that he liked your dramatisation. Especially the ending of the story is very touching. (C'est très touchant!) Good! I would like to see the play. On 15^t^hAugust after the March-past, your Students will perform this play in the Playground. I will watch it then." I bowed down at the Mother's feet and said, "Thank-you, Douce Mère! Thank-you! We will try and do our best."

And so, On 15^th August, after the March-past, the students performed the play in front of the Mother in the Playground. Whenever the Mother watched any programme after the Darshan March-past, it was performed on the ground and not on a stage. She would sit in front of the map of India with the usual people on either side, Gauri-di, Amiyo-da, Millie-di, Minnie-di, Violette-ji, etc. Pranab-da stood either at the entrance to Her room or on the left of the map at the door that led to the old body-building gymnasium. Our play was acted out just there in front of that door. Other sports group-members sat in lines to watch the play along with the Mother seated in front of the map. The students performed with great concentration and after the play, the Mother called all the participants and blessed them all one by one.

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Spoken French Class

I mentioned earlier that the Mother had given the responsibility of the Free Progress section to Paru, Dhanvanti and me. There Were obviously other teachers who taught as well. I was in charge of the French classes. I had divided the 45 students into five groups. Let me tell you here about one of these groups. This was a group that focused on spoken French. We decided to create a story with this group: the story of a young boy. The story had to be completely imaginary. This is how it was organised: I would start the story and speak for two minutes. Then the person sitting next to

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me would continue the story for two minutes and the story would thus unfold with each successive narrator. We were nine in all. On the first two days, the story did not turn out so well. It is not so easy to create an imaginary story. On the third day, I took up the relay after every two students' improvisation. Slowly, the children began to get a feel of it. The enthusiasm now started increasing. Then they began enjoying this so much that they did not want to do anything else! The entire hour with me in the spoken French class just went into story-creation. But then this was the particularity of the Free Progress system: students were allowed to pursue whatever they had chosen for as long as they wished if the teacher felt that it was being done with sincere concentration and interest. There was no rigidity about time in this system of education. And so our story slowly began to take shape. Tanmay-da was the overall coordinator of this section. From time to time, he would come into the classroom to see how things were proceeding. Sometimes he would sit down with us and listen to the story. I had told him that we were trying to create an imaginary story. The students were enjoying this activity so much that they did not want to do anything else with me as long as we were not done with the story. I told myself that this group was not progressing much in French as besides speaking French, the group was not doing anything else connected with reading, writing or grammar. Nothing but story-making! After the fifth day, I went and told Tanmay-da, "They are so enthusiastic about creating stories that I cannot stop them, Tanmay-da. Could you kindly ask the Mother what I should do.? They are doing nothing else besides." Tanmay-da used to see the Mother regularly with regard to this section. He informed the Mother about it. She asked, "Do they speak in French?" Tanmay-da replied that besides French, no other language was used in the class. The Mother looked satisfied and answered smilingly, "Then let them continue with this conversation class. It's very good." Tanmay-da suggested to me that I continue the class as it was going. What's more, Tanmay-da started coming regularly to

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this one-hour class and he would sit and listen and correct some of the French mistakes. And so we spent nine days of class in this story-making activity! We decided to write down this story and send it to the Mother. We did start writing the story down in the class but unfortunately we never got around to sending it to Her.

1.Arima
2.Gauri
3.Kirti
4.Lalbabu
5.Lauren
6.Lakshmi
7.Mukund

8. Mina
9. Padma
10. Prithwiraj
11. Touyamani
12. Vasant
13. Vimla

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Excursions

The time I am writing about is when the Mother organised closely all the activities of the School: studies, sports, annual cultural programmes, even the choice of picnic-spots. Nothing was done in the School without Her consent and knowledge. Once, after the closing of the school-year, my students wanted to go on a picnic with me. I give below the two letters I wrote in this regard. At that time, the Mother had stopped giving individual darshan. These letters give you a glimpse of how closely the Mother was connected with the working of the school.

My letter written to the Mother on 6.12.1959

Sweet Mother,
The following students from my class would like to go on a walking excursion to the Red Hills on December 8. They will leave after Your Balcony-darshan, and return by 11.30 am. Here is a list of the students:

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1. Dilip Patel                                        8. Dipali
2. Gurudas B                                         9. Nalini
3. Pratik                                                10. Tripti
4. Tapas B                                             11. Karuna Mukherji
5. Alo B                                                 12. Lauren D
6. Sumitra Dhandhania                        13. Upendra
7. Kusum Patel

Sweet Mother, as I am alone, I have asked Gangaram to accompany us. We will take from Ravindra-ji:

7 loaves of bread, 25 bananas, 6 ounces of butter

I will take some milk-sweets from Ganpatram. Mother, we need Your permission. Can we go?

The Mother's answer:
My blessings.

Letter written by students to the Mother in 1963:

Sweet Mother,
We have called our French class 'Obeissance'. We offer this name to You and pray that You give us strength to follow your 'Law', so that we find enough force within our own being. Sweet Mother, make us worthy of You. Our salutations to You.

The Mother's answer:
My very dear children,
My blessings are with you.

Let me end this chapter on the French classes with something from the Mother. Life, as they say, is not always a bed of roses. It is but normal that on the path we do stumble and fall. I was taking my French classes with great joy and devotion. I do not know why some people bore some malice against me. After teaching for quite some time, I began hearing that my company

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was so bad that the children were getting spoilt, and that such a teacher ought not to take classes. My exit would only benefit the students. Pained at these repeated taunts, I finally sent a letter to the Mother, "Mother, I am not worthy of being a teacher. I will stop taking classes from the coming year."
The Mother replied:

(You are a good teacher and with a sincere effort you can progress and become an even better teacher. With my blessings)

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Conversation About The Body

    I - Mother, I get a lot of pain in my heels.

    Mother - How did it start?

    I - I was doing hop-tep-and-jump, Mother. I hurt my-self, then.

    Mother - Where were you doing this?

    I - At the Tennis-ground.

    Mother - How did you hurt yourself?

    I - I don't know, Mother. I was practising during my Group activities.

    Mother - It will go away.

    I - Should I do the athletics competition tomorrow?

    Mother - Of course! Why would you not? Please do.

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I - Mother, I have something wrong with my ear.

    Mother - What.? You can't hear.?

    I - I don't hear as well as I should, Mother. If someone speaks to me into my right ear, then I hear a kind of Vibration.

    Mother - This could be due to a cold or cough.

    I - I had a similar pain when I was in Calcutta. I had shown Dr Sanyal then. He also said it was due to a cold and cough.

    Mother - Then, Why don't you show Dr Sanyal again?

    I - No, Mother, I don't want to show to any doctor. Now I have come to You, You cure me. Mother, You cure me.

    Mother - Then, don't worry about this any longer. You are worrying all the time about it and that's Why this troubles you. Don't think about it, it will get all right.

    A few days after the Mother's telling me this, the pain disappeared.

    I - Mother, how can my aspiration be awakened?

    Mother - Aspiration? Keep calling. (Saying this, the Mother joined both her paint: on in a namaskar. Then She plotted Her hand on my shoulder and gently tapped it and then went back to the namaskar position.) Like a little girl, like a child, pray for it.

    Then, the Mother closed Her eyes, joined Her palms in salutation and began repeating, " 'Give me aspiration. Give me aspiration.' It will come. Aspiration will come. Aspiration will come." Then once again, She placed Her hand on my shoulder and patted me affectionately.

    I - Mother, I have back pain.

    Mother - What have you done?

    I - Hop-step-and-jump and Marching. Tomorrow, I have the hop-step-and-jump competition. .

    Mother - Do the competition. The best thing to cure something is to keep working with it. Don't do any practice, just go straight for the competition tomorrow. I tell everyone this: either you practise the whole year round in a regular way or you don't do the competition. But here, nobody does regular practice. They have gymnastics, they have games, this

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thing and the other. On top of that, they do more practice. Then, they get pain. Tomorrow, join the competition. After that, no more practice. Do the competition without any practice tomorrow. We will see what happens. If you don't do well, nobody is going to tell you anything! That's why, do the competition tomorrow.

    I - Mother, my back hurts very badly. I am unable to do anything.

    Mother - This comes from the kidney. You need to exercise a lot.

    I - But, Mother, I do a lot of exercises, but the pain is still there.

    Mother - Then, show Dr Sanyal.

    I - Mother, from time to time, I go to see Hriday and I take hot water fomentation. I get a lot of relief from it,

    Mother - If it does you good, then continue with it. (The Mother selects some flowers to give me) Aurevoir, my dear child.

I - Aurevoir, Douce Mere.

On getting back home I began regretting the way I had spoken to the Mother. I started feeling a strange pain in my heart. Is this how one should speak to the Mother, the divine Mother.? I am supposed to listen to what the Mother tells me, to follow the advice She gives me, but instead I proffered to Her my opinion, my way of looking at the problem! How very silly and stupid of me, how insolent! I began to feel quite disturbed. I told myself inwardly, "Mother, I don't know how to speak to the divine Mother! Please forgive me!"

After having had that discussion with the Mother about my back pain, I began waiting for an opportunity to rectify my unbecoming behaviour. The very next day, I found the occasion. As soon as the Mother's interview got over in the Playground, I got inside the room and asked if I could speak to Her for two minutes. She consented. I began in a hurry:

I - Mother, I have showed my back to Dr Sanyal. He said it was rheumatism.

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    Mother - I had told you so.

    I - So I should do a lot of exercise, as you told me;

    Mother - Yes, my dear child. Yes, my child, tell Pranab about your back pain, he will show you some exercises for it.

    The Mother placed Her hand on my shoulder and caressed me affectionately. My heart was filled with He; compassion. I felt Mother was truly Divine! She certainly felt my sense of regret and had forgiven me. Slowly, the black shadow of my stupidity melted from my heart. Bowing down to The Mother, I came back home with a tranquil heart.

I was very young, then. A tumor had begun to form under my right heel. In the absence of care or treatment, it grew into the size of a ping-pong ball. Without informing the Mother I went to see Dr Sanyal. After examining me attentively, he concluded that the tumor had to be removed. He would tell the Mother about it. The following morning I went to the Mother for Her blessings.

    Mother - Sanyal was saying that he has to operate your tumor. I told him there is no need for an operation, you get yourself treated through homeopathy. Do you knew Dr Satyanarayan, Debranjan's father?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Go to him, go and tell him about your tumor. Take medicine from him. There is no need for an operation

    After saying this the Mother selected some flowers from the tray and gave them to me and blessed me.

    This happened after a few days. I had gone for the Mother's darshan on the first floor when She asked me:

    Mother - Have you been to Satyanarayan?

    I - Yes, Mother, he has started the treatment.

    Mother - Good.

    I - Mother, Satyanarayan-da was telling me that it would take some time to remove the tumor. Should I then discontinue my Group activities for some time.?

    Mother - Why? Why should you stop the Group activities

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if you have a tumor on your heel? You have other parts of your body, exercise them. Don't do any running or jumps. But you can do the throws, you can do some gymnastics. Tell Pranab to show you some light exercises, do these regularly. Don't stop your Group activities, go daily.

So in deference to the Mother's instruction, I went for my Group activities every day. I exercised all the other parts of my body as far as I could. It took almost a year and a half for the tumor to disappear, but after that my foot became absolutely normal.

One year, for some programme, there was a ball drill. I think this drill was composed by Amita. It was a very beautiful composition. Eight of us, all girls, had performed in front of the Mother. There were other items as well, but this was the most beautiful. I remember that morning, I had gone to see the Mother upstairs. Selecting some flowers for me, She asked, "Are you doing anything in the programme today?" "Yes, Mother, I am doing the ball drill. But I am not able to do the forward roll. Instead of finishing in the front I topple over to the side. Everyone makes fun of me. Mother, today is the day of the programme. Please help me so that I can do the forward roll properly." How Mother laughed hearing this! "You can't do the forward roll?" She said between peals of laughter and selecting the flowers for me. She repeated that a couple of times. I felt as if someone had laid a very heavy weight on my chest! I felt so bad and ashamed of myself!

In the evening, with that very heavy heart, I went to the Playground. I knew that I would be an object of ridicule, when the Mother Herself had laughed that way about it. In any case, I was resigned to my fate. There was nothing for me to do! What I could not do, I could not do! Later, I would try and learn to do better. This was my mental state at the start of the ball drill. The ball drill started. When it was time for me to do the forward roll, I felt as if someone was guiding my back gently and turning me over! I had performed a

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perfect forward roll! After this gentle support, as soon as I got up after doing the forward roll, I looked at the Mother. I observed She was looking at me with a gentle smile. What an unthinkably sweet moment that was!

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The Mother And Arup

Arup is my elder brother late Arunendranath Mitra's only son. He was also the only child in our family. Arup was born after my mother and I had settled in the Ashram. He used to stay with his parents in Calcutta. When he was four years old, his parents came to Pondicherry with him for the first time for the Mother's Darshan and to show my mother and me their son. On the eve of their return to Calcutta, my brother had been granted an interview with the Mother in the Playground. The Mother had also allowed him to bring Arup on the occasion. When She heard about their going back, the Mother told my elder brother, "I have nothing to say about your returning to Calcutta, but leave Arup here." Dada informed the Mother very politely that Arup was the only child of the family and, therefore, he was a little reluctant to leave him without consulting the other members of the family. The Mother thought silently for a while, "Well, if you have to take him, then take him, but remember if, on the way, he ever asks you to come back, bring him back at once." After bowing down to the Mother, they came back to the Red House. The next day, they left with Arup, as scheduled, for Calcutta. Having been delayed on the way, when they reached Madras, they discovered that the Howrah Mail had already left! They had, therefore. to wait in Madras for a whole day for the next train. In the meantime, little Arup began insisting that he wanted to go back to Pondicherry. Respectful of the Mother's instruction, Dada returned to Pondicherry with Arup and Boudi. From then, on the Mother's instruction, Arup started his studies at the Ashram School.

When Arup was eleven, he went to Calcutta for his annual

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school holiday. When he was returning from there to Pondicherry, he developed, on the way, very high fever and both his legs became numb. He couldn't even move them. My second brother, Robi, was escorting Arup and his mother to Pondicherry. Unable to find a doctor on board the train, he got down at a station where the train had halted, and rushed a telegram to the Mother, informing Her about Arup' s condition and praying for Her blessing. When the train arrived the next morning in Madras, Robi discovered a friend of his, resident of Madras, standing on the platform. He was a disciple of the Mother and his name was Jaikishan Baheti. He told him about Arup' s condition. Promptly, Jaikishan-da took Arup to his family doctor who at once gave him an injection. Unbelievably, Arup recovered. However, the doctor advised them not to take Arup back to Pondicherry immediately but rest for a few days in Madras. And so, Arup, Boudi and Robi stayed on in Jaikishan-da's house. When Arup had recovered his health a little more, Robi asked Jaikishan-da what had brought him to the Madras Central Station that day, so early in the morning? Jaikishan-da's answer left Robi nonplussed. He said, "Robi, you know I wake up very early in the morning. That morning, as soon as I woke up, I heard a voice telling me to take the car to the Central Station. At first, I ignored these words, but then I heard the same instruction again much louder, I could not ignore it this time and drove straight down to the Central Station. At the station, I found you and the difficulty you were in! Arup was very ill!" Robi was so overwhelmed by this, that on arriving in Pondicherry, he went straight to Nolini-da to tell him about Arup's illness and requested him to inform the Mother about Jaikishan-da's experience. "Yes, I know", the Mother replied when She was told about this, "after Robi's telegram, I knew everything that happened to Arup." After receiving the Mother's blessing, Arup regained his health fully and resumed school again.

From his very childhood, Arup had had a gift for painting. He adored drawing. Once on his birthday in 1964, when he was 12 years old, he offered the Mother three paintings of

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his. I was with Arup on that day. With great attention, the Mother looked at each of his paintings and asked him, "Have you done these paintings?" Arup told the Mother that he had painted them and he had brought them to Offer them to Her. The Mother was very happy to see these paintings and said, "Arup, whenever you paint something new, send it to me with your aunt, she comes to see me. I want to see all your paintings."

    Then the Mother gave Arup some flowers and blessed him. After this, whenever Arup painted anything, I would take it to the Mother. Most of the time, the Mother would look at his painting and tell me something about it. I would like to share with you some of Her comments. I came to know from Tanmay-da that the Mother had shown Pavitra-da, the director of the School, the three paintings by Arup. She had asked Pavitra-da to inform Tanmay-da that whenever Arup needed anything for his drawings (paper, paints etc.) the school should provide him with everything. Arup was then part of the 'Free Progress' system. Some time later,when Tanmay-da went to see the Mother about school work, She instructed him that if ever Arup felt like painting in the middle of a class, he should be permitted to do so. If, while painting or at any other time, he felt like listening to music, the school should provide the facility. Arup was very fond of Sunil-da's music. Let me present here some of the Mother's comments on Arup's paintings:

    1. The Eagle: Arup had once painted an eagle. A golden eagle sitting over the earth. The eyes, the nose, the whole expression of the eagle's face was extraordinary. As soon as She received this painting, She looked at it very attentively and said to me, "The painting is superb. The eagle is very expressive, this eagle is the harbinger of the new life to come upon earth." The Mother looked at me in her compassionate way and said, "Tell Arup that the eagle's eyes are exceptional. I really like the painting very much."

    2. Golden Earth: A higher Power carrying out the transformation of the earth. The Mother's comment: "Ah, how beautiful!"

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3. A leafless, flowerless tree under a blue sky: A clear, cloudless sky under which stands a dried up tree. Just the trunk of the tree and a few dried up branches. The painting is truly extraordinary. As soon as the Mother received it, She fixed Her attention on it. She commented, "Tell Arup that the tree is symbolic of the past. It is he past! Now it is waiting for the advent of the new world. He has to create a new style of painting that can reflect the new world - what the earth is waiting for, its imminent arrival." I asked, "Mother, how can one know about this new world.? We mow absolutely nothing,sweet Mother!"The Mother replied ,"You must remember it all the time, you have to dream about it, you have to feel that you want only this and nothing else.," Taking a few flowers in Her hand, She continued, "Give these flowers to Arup and tell him that I like the painting very much. Tell him also to keep painting and try and discover the future in his paintings. He will have to find new techniques in order to give a shape to the painting of the future."

    4. Another time, Arup did a beautiful painting - Arup's old being that he seeks to transform is lying on the ground and his transformed being stands in front of the sprawled out old being - it is a powerful, transformed being.

    As soon as She took the painting in Her hand, She said forcefully to me, raising Her right hand, 'Can you see, his soul is talking! Marvellous! Tell Arup that this is an admirable attempt!"

    5. Once, Arup was going through a low phase. He did a painting and sent it to the Mother. The Mother's comment: "Try to find your psychic being. In that endeavour, you will find help."

    6. This is about another painting - piercing a totally black sky, like lightning, a golden light was descending upon the earth. The top portion of the earth is illumined by this golden light. It's quite an extraordinary piece. The Mother's comment: "The supramental light descending into the Inconscience - it is penetrating the lower depths of the Inconscience, right into the deepest recesses of obscurity."

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Let me tell you about one more brief charming incident about Arup and move on to the next chapter. Arup must have been eleven or twelve then. I had been working with a group of boys from the Ashram at the Theater on a Bengali story by Sri Aurobindo entitled Swapna (A Dream) that I had also dramatized. Arup was to play the role of Sri Krishna and Swadesh was Harimohan. During our rehearsals at the Theater, Arup used to play a lot of pranks. Being a little boy, he did not quite understand the importance of a role like Sri Krishna's. Despite all my efforts, both at home and on the stage, he just could not realise its real dimension. So one day, for one of his mischievous pranks, I scolded him quite harshly and told him that I would ask some other boy to take up Sri Krishna's role. I felt I had somewhat overdone the scolding, and that too in front of all the participants. Arup became absolutely speechless. He stayed quiet. I did not pay much attention to the evening's incident.

Two days later, it was a Sunday, I went to the Mother for Her darshan. The Mother told me, "Arup has written to me asking for forgiveness. He has promised that he will not do any mischief again during the rehearsals. Don't change his role in the play. Let Arup play Sri Krishna."

The day of the performance arrived. The Mother seemed to have done some magic with Arup. When in the play, Harimohan says, "If I find Keshto, I will have him whipped to teach him a lesson", seeing the little Sri Krishna on stage, an irresistibly sweet smile on his lips, holding his flute, dressed in a golden dhoti with a peacock feather adorning his head, his presence rendered even more enchanting with Runu's marvelous flute, the spectators were enthralled! After the programme,everyone had the same reaction - Sri Krishna's role was very well enacted, it was extraordinary. The Mother's words echoed in my ears, "Don't change his role in the play. Let Arup play Sri Krishna."

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Organising Programmes by Visiting Artists

After settling down in the Ashram, my classes of music with Dilip-da and Sahana-di and of dance with Anuben continued to my great satisfaction. I used to practise the Kathak dance compositions and its 'bols' at home with Mota-kaka's tabla and pakhawaj accompaniment. Mota-kaka was very fond of me as both of us shared a common love for music. One day, he told me that some artists were coming from outside, and he was making arrangements for their programme and asked me if I could assist him in the organisation. If I agreed, he would ask the Mother for Her permission. I was always very enthusiastic about such things, so I accepted at once. The Mother also gave Her consent and Mota-kaka and I started working together. The programme passed off well. After the programme was over, I think Mota-kaka told the Mother about my organizational capacities, as he used to go to see the Mother every day.

A few days after this programme, the Mother informed me through Nolini-da that She had made an arrangement for looking after artists visiting the Ashram, and She was giving me the charge of taking care of these programmes. The subsequent programmes were to be more or less on the same lines as the one we had organised in the Playground. I was asked to go and talk to Pranab-da about it as the Mother had informed him in this regard. I went to see Pranab-da and as soon as I entered his office he said, "Come, come Shobhamoyi, Mother has spoken to me about you. All the arrangements had been made. The Mother also said that if She received any letter related to such programmes, She would send it to you through Nolini-da or me. If Nolini-da or I get any letter or information, we will let you know. Listen, Shobhamoyi, the Mother has given you the responsibility of this work and we will discuss it very frankly with you. If you make any mistake, I will shake you by the scruff of your neck, you understand? You will not escape." Everyone in the room burst out laughing, listening to Pranab-da's words. I folded my hands in salutation, and said, "Dada, I will try to

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do this work in all sincerity and I shall see that I don't make any mistakes."

After discussing with Pranab-da, it was decided that the programmes of Visiting artists, if they were held in the Playground, would begin at 8.30 at night after the completion of the regular activities of the Playground and giving people half an hour for finishing dinner in the dining room. If the programme were to be held at the Theater it would start at 8. The Mother had selected the two venues for the programmes: the Playground or the Theater. The music programmes would be held in the Playground, dance and plays at the Theater. If any proposal for a music programme came to me, I was supposed to inform Pranab-da's office, as also for any programme that was to take place at the Theater. The date of the programme was fixed by them; I would then communicate with the artists to let them know about the date, time, place and other details about the programmes. After that, I would prepare the notice of the programme stating the date and time, to be hung on the Ashram notice-board after the Mother had signed it. In those days the number of programmes was very small. Now for these visiting artists' programmes, some arrangements had to be made in the Playground: setting up the stage, mikes and lights. Technicians of the 'Radio and recording section' of the Ashram took care of the sound and lights: Vishwanath-da, Arun, Mahi and Nirmal. The stage in the Playground was set up using wooden planks and hollow blocks, which were stored in a part of the Playground near the wash-basin in the gymnasium. I had set up a group of 10-12 boys to help me and they were the ones who assisted me for the Playground programmes. After the marching and concentration were over and the marching group members had left, we would set up the stage. The stage was set up in front of the Mother's room and the adjoining room to the east, just before the programme and disassembled either immediately after the programme or the following afternoon and the planks and the hollow blocks were put back in their designated places.

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The Mother was not present for these programmes. The door of Her room remained shut. During such programmes, we did not put up photos of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo on the stage. The atmosphere in the Ashram in those times was totally different. Those who came here, whether ordinary visitors or artists, came to a Yogashram. They came for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother's Presence. While Sri Aurobindo was still in His body, Ustad Allaudin Khan had come for Sri Aurobindo's darshan. When Omkarnath Thakur came, he sang 'Bande Mataram' to Sri Aurobindo in the Meditation hall. I was very young then, but I still remember his powerfully moving voice. I was present in the Ashram at that time, as a visitor for the Darshan. After Sri Aurobindo left his body, this flow of artists continued. Seekers of the darshan and musicians continued to come for the Mother's darshan. Mota-kaka was in charge of the Reception service in those days. Occasionally, on getting to know about guest artists, he would make arrangements for their programme, for instance the famous South Indian dancer Chandralekha. Her Bharatanatyam programme was organised by Mota-kaka after getting the Mother's consent. Chandralekha used to come quite regularly for darshan, once a year definitely. Sometimes, even more often. When I started doing this work, I too got the opportunity of organising Chandralekha's Bharatanatyam programmes at the Theater. What should be understood is that while Sri Aurobindo and the Mother were physically present, the principal purpose of the artists' Visit was to have Their darshan, however great their repute in whichever field. They used to come to the Ashram for darshan and not to present their spectacle or exhibit their skill. They performed with a sentiment of "offering" their art to Them.

I organised programmes for quite a number of artists, such as Birendra Kishore Ray Choudhury, a veena-player, Tara Ghoshal, a dilruba player, Jyotsna Bhole, a well-known Hindustani vocalist, Chandralekha, the famous Bharatanatyam dancer and many others. While writing about visiting artists, I am reminded of an incident connected with the reputed singer

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and composer, Pankaj Kumar Mullick. I had learnt singing from him when I lived in Calcutta. He was a very dear friend of my second brother Robi, and used to come home and also teach me singing. He was aware that we Visited the Ashram regularly and he had heard a lot about the Ashram and the Mother from Robi. He had a very strong wish to come to the Ashram and have the Mother's darshan. Once, while in South India for some work, he came down to Pondicherry. Robi was here, then, although I don't recollect whether he worked in the Reception service at the time. He arrived straight home, along with Pankaj-da. I was quite flabbergasted. Needless to say, we requested him to sing. Unfortunately, the Mother had stopped going to the Playground or to the Theater. In fact, She had stopped coming down from Her room. Pankaj-da was extremely saddened to hear this, but he, however, told my brother, " Robi, is there any Sanskrit stotra on Sri Aurobindo? I would like to start my programme with such a composition. Since I will not be able to have the Mother's darshan, at least I can offer this prayer to Her. Who knows if I will ever be able to return to Pondicherry. That's why I would like to leave my offering at Their feet." Robi bought a copy of TV. Kapali Sastri's book Prayer: and offered it to Pankaj-da. He began his programme with his marvellous composition on the sloka jayatu sa bhagavan nah purnablago aravinda. We had all really loved it.

As the pages of past memories start unfolding, I can recollect a lot of incidents. But I can't write about them all. Here is an incident that I feel was most illuminating. This is a story about our 'Dada'. I had gone to Pranab-da's office for some work. From the entrance, I could hear him speaking loudly to someone in English. "I am telling you that I don't do this work. This responsibility is someone else's. You should go and talk to this person. If she comes and tells us. then we can accept the programme. I can't do anything as it is not my work." By then, I was standing just a little behind Pranab-da. The gentleman enquired, "Where can I find this person?" "She teaches in the school," Pranab-da replied.

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"and her house is opposite the Ashram library. Her name is Shobha Mitra and she is in charge of this work Go and meet her. If she comes and tells us, then we can do the programme." Someone sitting in the room, exclaimed, "Dada, Shobha is right behind you!" Pranab-da turned around and looked at me and said, " Here, then, Shobhamoyi, take the programme down". And there and then, the programme got finalised. This incident showed me a very important aspect of our Dada: his sense of absolute duty and responsibility.

Quite a few days after this, a group of artists arrived from Orissa. Some devotees from there wished to offer a recital of Odissi dance in the Ashram and requested Govind Tej, a well-known Oriya film director, to organise this. So, Tej-da wrote the script and directed the dance programme, with a group consisting of Guru Kelucharan Mahapatra as the choreographer, Bhubaneswar Mishra, the well-known violinist and director of All India Radio, Cuttack, as the music director, the renowned singer Raghunath Panigrali as lead vocalist, and the famous Odissi dancers Sanjukta Panigrahi, Nandita Mohanty, Kukumina, etc. The Mother had asked Kameshwar-da and me to look for a suitable accommodation for all of them. We found a large house which had a fairly large hall where they could rehearse whenever they wanted. This was my first meeting with an almost entirely professional group, I had to look after them during their short stay here and was also responsible for the organisation of the programme. It was a most memorable experience!

A couple of days after their arrival, a very touching incident took place. Bhubaneswar-da was a violinist and music composer of great caliber. Very early one morning, l went to their house to check if they needed anything. There were not many guest-houses in the Ashram then. We had to take care of the guests. As I was climbing the stairs, I heard some exquisite violin music. I went and stood in the hall. Bhubaneswar-da was playing the violin. I quietly sat down in a corner of the hall without letting him know, in order to listen to him. After a while, on noticing me, he turned in my direction and said,

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"Shobha-di, it's so good you've come. Can you tell me what this raga is.? A melody has been playing in my head since this morning but I am unable to understand the raga. I have never played this raga before. It seems to be totally new." "Bhubaneswar-da, why don't you just keep playing this raga," I replied, "let me go and make arrangements for recording this." And so I came away and this new raga was recorded and the recording was sent to the Mother. After listening to it, the Mother called it 'aspiration'. Bhubaneswar-da was delighted, and so were we. Unfortunately, quite some time after this recording was done, it got accidentally erased from my spool.

Raghunath chose to begin their programme with a sanskrit stotra to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother: jayatu sa bhagavannah purnabhago aravinda by TV. Kapali Sastri. He set it to music in a short time and when it was sung the audience was deeply moved by its soul-thrilling rendering! On their subsequent visits to the Ashram, Raghunath always began his performance with jayatu sa bhagavan nah.

The time I am writing about they had performed the "Bhagavad Gita" at the Ashram Theater. Kelu-babu lad directed Sanjukta Panigrahi as Krishna and Nandita Mohanty as Arjuna. It was an extraordinary piece of choreography, especially Krishna's 'Vishwarupa darshan': Sanjukta was completely transfigured! The group came to the Ashram several times after that and performed other dance compositions like Vikramorvasie, Geet Govindam, Symbol Dawn (from Savitri), etc. I have seen many other dancers and guns after Sanjukta and Kelu-babu but no one came anywhere near that quality of choreography and dancing. The sheer beauty of voice and expressive charm of Raghunath's singing added an immeasurable magic quality to these performances. The originality of composition and intensity of impact I experienced in their dance, music and lighting (also directed by Tej-da) were quite unique and I felt that I had witnessed Indian performing art at its best. That's why I feel that had we been able to record these exceptional programmes, not just our Ashram, but Orissa, India and the world would have benefitted from

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such amazing compositions preserved for posterity as a part of our national heritage.

    While organising these programmes for visiting artists, I had a couple of unusual experiences. I remember an incident which might be of special interest to readers who are connected With the Ashram. Once, a very fine sitar player came to the Ashram for a few days. In those days, the Ashram had a few guest-houses and he was staying in one of them. I organised his programme and the audience was mesmerised by his music. The Ashram listeners wanted to hear more of his music; however, it was not possible to have programmes everyday at the Ashram. So I organised sessions in different places informally. After finishing our Group activities and dinner, we would gather for these musical sittings. On some days, some of us lovers of music would assemble at the Hall of Harmony at 6 or 6:15 in the morning and listen quietly to his morning ragas. A few days later, it was time for him to leave and we all felt extremely grateful at having received so much from him. We had collected so many musical gems from him. He too was a musician of a very high order and when he found listeners eager to enjoy music, he would give most generously through his instrument. The responsibility of looking after all these musicians was on my shoulders. At the time of his departure, it fell on me to also inform them about their accommodation charges. I used to feel extremely reluctant and uncomfortable about this. One day, I met the Mother and told Her about it.

    I - Mother, we who love music so much, have received a lot from him. We have taken a lot from him. Can't we forgo their lodging charges?

    Mother - Did he say anything about this?

    I - No, Mother. This is just my feeling.

    Mother - Then, don't say anything to him. Let him give the money. I am not saying this thinking of the money, but because I believe that artists too should offer something to the Divine. This should be seen as an offering. That is why let him give. It can only be good for him.

    I felt as if a closed window within my heart had been

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opened, and through it, a ray of light from the Mother's divine consciousness had touched me. What a marvellous experience!

    I remember another incident, a deeply moving one. Two artists had come, a singer and a dancer who were a couple. The singer's parents were from a very conservative background. They did not appreciate their daughter-in-law's dancing in public. There was a lot of disharmony in the family due to this. It reached a point where the dancer decided that the only way out of this impossible situation was to get a divorce. She was determined on not giving up either her dance or her performances in public. The singer felt deeply pained about the separation because he did not want it. I was close to both of them. Both of them talked to me about their personal problem and difference of opinion but we could not arrive at any solution to it together. One day, I requested both of them to send two separate letters to the Mother and I carried them with me, when I went to see Her. After acquainting the Mother briefly about the problem, I handed over to Her their letters. The Mother wanted to know how long they were going to stay in the Ashram. When I told the Mother about their departure date, the Mother agreed to see them. I asked Her if I could accompany them that day. The appointed day arrived and all three of us went up to the Mother's room. Both of them offered the Mother their bouquet of flowers and bowed at Her feet. As soon as they raised their heads after the pranam, the Mother with an exceedingly sweet smile held their hands in Hers and meditated for a while; then, She said, "No more fighting, there will be no separation." After this, She blessed both of them by placing Her hand on their foreheads. Later, I found out from their letters that all disharmony and conflict had ceased and they were pursuing their respective arts in a happy, harmonious way.

    While organising programmes for visiting artists, a couple of questions had cropped up in my mind, so one day finding the right moment I put them before the Mother.

    I - Douce Mère, what should be my attitude and my duty Vis-à-vis these Visiting artists?

    Mother - Your attitude must be that of a simple child of

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the Mother. Leave the rest to me. Some among them might come in closer contact with the Ashram through you, try and be gentle and patient with them. Try and understand them because artists are extremely sensitive, sensitive towards beauty. Remember one thing always: Don't ever ask the artist from your side to do a programme. It is for them to feel that their programme is their offering.

    I don't remember for how many years these visiting artists programmes took place in the Playground. But I remember the last programme very vividly. Sanat-da's younger sister (Chandan-di's husband Sanat Banerjee used to live in Nant-euil on the first floor) came to the Ashram for a few days. The Mother had left Her body by then. She used to play the sarod very well. One day she played the sarod in the Playground. One of the problems with classical music is that the alaap (the slow elaboration of a raga) takes time to establish its mood. It cannot be dealt within 3 or 4 minutes. Classical music takes time. That night, she was playing so beautifully that we all completely forgot about the time. Her interpretation was absolutely exceptional and when she ended her recital it was very late in the night.

    The next morning, I was summoned by Pranab-da. I understood at once that it had to do with the late conclusion of the previous evening's programme. Hardly had I got into the office that Pranab-da told me, â€œThese visiting artists' programmes can no longer take place in the Playground. Find some other venue." I kept excusing myself and assured him that this mistake would not be repeated. But Pranab-da was adamant. So I went to see Paru, who was then the Registrar of the school. I acquainted her with the situation and she agreed to host the programmes at the school. From then on, the programmes were organised at the school.

    Looking after these programmes by visiting artists, I have learnt a lot. I have come in contact with many great musicians and dancers and got a chance to experience their deep devotion and dedication to their art. The Mother had told me that artists were sensitive to things of beauty and I

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got ample opportunities to see this truth in reality. Among the artists who touched us very deeply was the famous sitarist, Kartik Kumar. His sitar playing still rings in our ears. Thanks to the Sangeet Research Academy of Calcutta, we have been privileged in the Ashram to hear a very large number of very reputed artists, both in vocal and in instrumental music. The director of the Sangeet Research Academy, Vijay Kichlu and his secretary Krishna Choudhury made it possible for us, through their extraordinary efforts, to listen to Zakir Hussain, Shiv Kumar Sharma, Girija Devi, Hari Prasad Chaurasia, A.T. Kanan, Malavika Kanan, V.G. Jog, Protima Bedi, Vijay Kichlu, Arun Bhaduri, Ajoy Chakraborty, Rashid Hussain Khan, Shubhra Guha and many other famous artists of India. There are far too many to enumerate here. We also had the famous golden voice of Carnatic music, Dr Balamurali Krishna and the reputed veena-player, Chitti Babu. There were also some semi-classical musicians who have left unforgettable memories in our hearts like A.T. Kanan (Bhajan), Purushottam Jalota (Bhajan), Sandhya Mukherjee, Pradeep Chatterjee, Chhobi Bandopadhyay, Pankaj Mullick, Hemant Mukherjee, Harendra Khurana, etc.

By coming in contact with these celebrated, gifted artists, I have experienced a tiny fragment of that vast, fathomless ocean of music and I have seen firsthand through the work of organisation of their programmes, how persevering, one-pointed must the dedication be to music in order to be a part of this fraternity of music.

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Sangeetmala

Around the same time that I was given the responsibility of organising programmes for visiting artists - either the year before or the year after - we started our own monthly programme with singers from the Ashram. This programme had been initiated by a sadhak named Niranjan-da with a few singers. I had personally never taken part in it, and that's why

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I did not know anything about it. I just knew this that this programme of music was a recorded one and it took place in the Ashram Library.

    The time I am talking about, the Library had a pedal organ. After finishing my Group every evening I used to go and play the organ in the library and sing in my own way. As I had learnt to play the piano in Calcutta, I could play the organ too.

    This happened on one such evening at the Library as I was coming out after finishing my singing. I noticed Niranjan-da and Basanti talking to each other in the centre room. On seeing me, they complimented me on my singing. Without reacting to it, I came back home.

    I used to live in the Red House that was opposite the Library. The following morning, I got out to go to the Ashram and then to the Dining-room, I saw Niranjan-da pacing up and down in front of our house. He came towards me and said, "Shobha, I am giving-up Sangeetmala. I am sending a letter to the Mother along with the names of some musicians of the Ashram. The Mother will select who to hand this over to. Can I add your name to the list I am sending to the Mother?" I answered, "No, Niranjan-da, it doesn't interest me," and left for the Ashram. Despite my declining he put my name on the list. A few days later, I got to know from Nolini-da that the Mother had selected me to take charge of Sangeetmala. Niranjan-da also showed me his letter where the Mother had ticked in red the last name on the list which was mine. As the Mother had selected me, I could but acquiesce. The recording equipment etc. of Sangeetmala was sent to my house and I began looking after this work. Every month, I had to play recorded music at the library. Almost all the musicians of the Ashram took part in this programme: Monibishnu-da, Sahana-di and her students, Tinkori-da and his students, Nandalal-da, Gitika-di, Bokul, Runu, Tarit-da, Romen-da and his students, Nandita, Rose-di were among the principal contributors. Sangeetmala ran quite well and everyone was happy. I used to myself prepare the notice for this programme that was to be put up at the Ashram but only after the Mother had seen it.

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The Mother used to sign the notice before it was put up on the Ashram notice-board. This Sangeetmala programme happened once a month at the Library and when visiting artists arrived, their programme was hosted in the Playground. People in the Ashram used to look forward to this programme. Every month various singers used to take charge of the programme, practise for it, and all this flurry of activity had created quite some enthusiasm and awakening in the world of music in the Ashram. The principal teachers of music who were responsible for this renewal of interest and enthusiasm, - Nolini Sarkar-da, Sahana-di, Tinkori-da, Gitika-di -, were all very satisfied with the functioning and success of Sangeetmala.

    On one occasion, I had prepared a very beautiful notice. Both the drawing and the lettering had turned out well. As I was going to see the Mother on Sunday, I did not give the notice to Nolini-da but decided to take it myself. The moment I handed it to Her, She began looking at it very attentively and asked me, "Who has prepared this notice? Whose writing is this? Who has done the drawing?" "I have written it, Mother, and I have also drawn" I replied. "Oh, your handwriting is very beautiful. Your drawing is fine too."

    I was quite thrilled to get the Mother's appreciation of my handwriting. Having decided to make my next notice even more beautiful, I learnt some calligraphic scripts. I made a very aesthetic border around the paper and showed it to Krishnalal-ji when I went to him for my drawing class. He was very happy to see the result. And so one Sunday, I took this notice I had got ready to the best of my aesthetic ability to the Mother. Somewhere within me I was anticipating Mother's praise out of an inflated sense of pride, no doubt. I entered Her room, offered Her the flowers and next handed over to Her the notice I had prepared. The Mother became quite grave on seeing it. She read what was written on it and then said:

    Mother - Who has prepared this notice?

    I - Me, Mother.

    Mother - Yes, I can see that you have made it. But why?

    I stayed speechless as I had no answer.

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Mother - Listen, your handwriting is beautiful because it is natural to you. Why do you want to replace that with a handwriting that is copied? Don't try and substitute your natural handwriting with something that you are going to imitate. Do you understand?

    I - Yes, Mother, I do. I shall never do this again.

    After hearing these words from the Mother I never tried to copy other calligraphic scripts again. The Mother was selecting some flowers from the tray to give to me as She looked at the notice once again and asked:

    Mother - How do you prepare these programmes every month?

    I - I do not prepare all the programmes. They are prepared by Sahana-di, sometimes by Tinkori-da or some other artist. Every month it is a different group of people. It is either these groups every month or I select and rearrange recordings from them and conduct the programme.

    Mother - Sahana, Tinkori are fine, they know music. What about the others who participate? What do they do? What do they sing?

    I - Except for a few, the others choose songs from existing records, good songs from well-known singers, and present these.

    Mother - I feel there is no real need for such a programme. You need to spend a lot of time in this. Besides, I find learning songs from pre-existing records not a very good idea. As you have already prepared this time, it is fine. From next month, there is no need to go on with it. Let's terminate this now.

    Thus, Sangeetmala came to an end. It had run for a few years. While it lasted, it infused the world of music at the Ashram with a great deal of enthusiasm and effort. There was a heightened sense of musical joy. The respected Nolini Sarkar-da, Monibishnu-da, Tinkori-da had a lot of praise for this work and always encouraged us in it. These musicians and several others wrote to the Mother telling Her that music in the Ashram had got a great boost through Sangeetmala and that it was doing very well. They requested Her to allow them

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to continue with it. This letter was sent through Nolini-da. A few days later, Nolini-da informed them that the Mother had said whatever She had to say to Shobha. And thus, the Mother did not change Her decision even after receiving their letter. Sangeetmala, therefore, came to a definite end.

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My Programme-loving Self

The artist in me enjoyed doing programmes. This had been strong in me right from my childhood. Despite my conservative family background, my life was filled with dance, music and theater apart from studies. In the music school I attended, girls of different classes used to organise lots of programmes of songs. I also used to join them. During the new year period, on the day of Saraswati puja, I used to organise a programme at home with my friends of Saint Margaret school. The worship-platform in the house turned into our stage. Spectators sat in the open Space in front and in the long corridors on the two Sides. Once two very well-known singers of Calcutta, Santosh Sengupta and Jaganmoy Mitra came to sing on the occasion of Saraswati Puja. On another occasion, Gopal-da, my dance- teacher and Shambhu Maharaj's disciple, requested my father to allow me for one day and one show, to go and dance in a theater called Natya Bharati. Baba obviously refused to give his consent as girls of the Mitra family did not dance in public. My Kaka (father's younger brother) was also dead against my dancing. Inspite of Baba and my brothers telling Gopal-da that it would not be possible, his repeated requests could not be disregarded. In the end, I had to go to dance. Myself, I was delighted to be able to do so as this was to be my first experience of dancing in a public theater. Although it was a public theater, there was no public in it! Gopal-da had invited only a few select people to witness a programme of dance he had organised in memory of his guru, Sri Shambhu Maharaj. I really enjoyed myself. Just a few days after this I came away to the Ashram.

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    Even after coming to Pondicherry, I immersed myself in dance and music. And quite soon after my arrival at the Ashram, the Mother asked me to take part in the 1st December programme. After joining Anu-ben's classes, I took part in the annual programme of the School almost every year. Apart from this, I also took part in some English dramas, playing small roles, or in English recitation. These programmes gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction. When Sahana-di put on a show, she used to make me participate as one of her students.

    When I took up the charge of organising Sangeetmala, apart from the recorded song-programmes, I also began doing programmes on stage. In those days, Roshan Ghosh used to occasionally come for the Mother's darshan from Kodaikanal with her husband Hiranmoy Ghosh. Roshan-ben was a Bharatanatyam dancer and performed here a few times. Nandita and myself used to help her with the music for the programme. As we used to be part of Sangeetmala in organising recorded programmes of vocal and instrumental music, whenever a visiting troupe of music or dance from outside needed some help with the music, we were called upon to assist.

    About Sangeetmala, most of these programmes that were recorded happened in the Library. When this responsibility fell upon my shoulders, I began to feel my days filling up with too many activities. Throughout the year, I was busy with my classes, sport activities, Sangeetmala work and some programme or the other. Once, finding the right opportunity, I asked the Mother, "My being always wants to be busy with something or the other, with some creative activity, some cultural programme. In the midst of dance, music and theater, I derive profound joy and enthusiasm. I feel they are the very stuff of my being! It cannot survive without these. I know, Mother, that all this is but a play of the Outer nature. This attraction projects us from the inner to the outer world. And yet, I cannot keep myself away from it. Tell me, Mother, if these activities, dance, music, theatre, are harmful for my sadhana?"

    Mother - No, not at all. (silence, at if in deep thought) A cultural programme has two aspects, one is mastering the

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technique of art, making it as flawless as possible. The second is to create something from within oneself which can help us purify our being, illumine it. (silence) There are a number of artists who actually live in this creative world. However their outer nature might be, and... (silence daring which the Mother looked at me intently) and they create extraordinary things. I want my children to do the same. Whatever they take up, they go to its very depth. Then only can they learn a lot through a programme. (When the Mother way talking to me, She had offered me flowers in both my hands and had placed Her own under mine. Now, She placed Her hands on top of mine as She resumed) Listen, my dear child, always keep an inner aspiration when you do a programme. (Speaking with exceeding tenderness) Your call reaches me and I answer. (Once more, the Mother looked intently at me) Don't you feel my answer?

    I placed both my hands on the Mother's feet and said, "Will you, Mother, always answer my call in this way? Always and forevermore! My sweet Mother, please answer my call always!" The Mother gave me some flowers called Simple Sincerity and concentrated on me for quite some time. Then, She said, "That is the key."

    As part of Sangeetmala I began doing some minor live programmes of music too. I would like to share with you a letter I wrote to the Mother about one such programme in 1963 (6.6.63):

    Sweet Mother,
    On the occasion of Sri Aurobindo's birthday, we would like to present a programme of 90 minutes on 16th August. We request you for your permission. Here are the items we would present:

    1. Chorus: Our Mother of the universe. Lyrics by Robi Gupta. Singers: Amarendra, Anugata, Hamsa, Manindra, Minoti, Nandita, Smriti, Sukumar, Swadhin, Runu, Rajarshi.

    2. Savitri: English recitation. Who: recitation. Directed by Amita. Voices: Amala, Hema, Rina, Sunita, Bulbul, Munnu, Nanda, Samata, Abhijit Gupta, Ananda Reddy, Siddharth, Vijay, Kireet, Prabhat, Stephen.

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3. A dream: dramatized version of the story by Sri Aurobindo. Directed by Shobha. Actors: Sri Krishna - Arup, Harimohan - Swadesh; Behram, Prithwiraj, Indira, Udaya-ditya, Animesh, Mukund, Nayan, Dipika, Jyoti, Karuna, Kapila, Rashmi.

    4. Rabindra Sangeet: Sahana's group: Manoj, Vishweshwar, Ira, Smriti, Chhanda, Tublu.

    5. A Vision of Science: a poem by Sri Aurobindo: Directed by Norman Dowsett, Arati, Amita. Voices: Jules, Arunbishnu, Sudha Anand, Reba, Dipu, Namita S, Gauri Gupta.

    6. Surrender by Sri Aurobindo: Recitation by Arati, dance by Shobha.

    7. Sri Aurobindo's photo will be projected on the cyclorama. Meditation with the Mother's organ music (5 minutes).
We pray for your permission and help.
Our pranam at Your feet.

The Mother's answer:
    If Nolini has no objection and if there is no other programme at the Theatre, you can go ahead.

    After getting Nolini-da's permission, I wrote to the Mother on 14.6.63 again:

Divine Mother,
    I am Your obedient child. I do not know how to show my devotion to Sri Aurobindo and to You. We are eager to do the programme with Sri Aurobindo's writings. If we are unable to rise to the height of His writings, do forgive us.
    We pray for Your blessings and help. Pranam.
    At Your feet,

Shobha

In reply to my letter, the Mother wrote in red ink:
I send my blessing to all.

The rehearsals for the programme went on with one-pointed concentration. For some reason that I cannot recollect

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now, we were forced to prepone the date of the programme from the 16^th to the 14^th of August. I sent a letter to the
Mother on 5^th August:

Divine Mother,
    The programme for the 15^th August is ready. We pray to do the programme on 14^th instead of 16^th August at the Theatre at 8.30 pm. I know the programme is starting a little late. Pranab has made a new rule: no program is to begin before 8.30. on any day except Saturday. It is not possible to do the programme on Saturday as the next three / four Saturdays are taken. As our programme is not very long we will end it by
10. We pray, Mother, for Your permission.

The Mother's answer: Fine.
    Here's another letter with regard to this programme:

Sweet Mother,
    We have observed a few times in the past, that the younger boys and girls make a lot of noise during a programme. They even loiter around. This disturbs the spectators considerably. Especially this time, the whole programme is based on the writings of Sri Aurobindo, like A Vision of Science, Savitri, Swapna (Bengali drama), Surrender, Who, etc. There will be nothing amusing in it for children. Do you feel, Mother, in View of this, we should put an age-limit? What should be that age-limit?

    We are doing this programme as an offering to Sri Aurobindo and You. We would, therefore, like the atmosphere at the Theatre to be one of silence and concentration. At the conclusion of the programme, we will project a photo of Sri Aurobindo and meditate for 5 minutes on Your organ music. It is especially in this light that we have raised this question concerning children.

Mother, after getting Your view on this, I shall act accordingly.

My pranam at Your feet,

Shobha

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I would like to share here with you the facsimile of the Mother's answer in French and its English translation:

(Children below 12 will not be allowed.
A total Silence is expected from the children present. Those Who break this rule will not be allowed in the future.
Blessings.

The Mother)

Lat me end this chapter by recounting a small incident. For some reason, as I mentioned earlier, instead of doing this Programme on the 16^th, I had asked the Mother if we could do It on the 14^thof August. The Mother gave Her consent and Wrote on a small piece of paper: "Shobha's programme Will take place on 14^th August", and sent it via Nolini-da to the Persons connected with the Theatre work. Then I got news that Pranab-da had said that this programme could not take Place on 14^th August. Infuriated by this, I went at once to see Pranab-da. I was fuming inside, thinking, "What Cheek! That Pranab-da dares overrule the Mother's decision!" I went and Stood in Pranab-da's office. He started, "Shobha, Your Programme cannot take place on 14^th August. There is a Programme by the Group members on that day in the Playground." I retorted very angrily, "Pranab-da, doesn't the

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Mother's decision have any weight? The Mother has told us that this programme will happen on the 14^th. Look here at what She has written!" And placing it on his table, I walked out of the P.E.D. office, without waiting for his answer. I was seething with anger then! I felt very proud of what I had done. Wasn't it my duty and right to stand up for the Mother when someone disrespected Her?

The next morning, I got a message that Nolini-da wanted to see me. Hardly had I entered his room that he said very gravely, "Shobha, what you have done is most regrettable. The Mother wants you to go to Pranab and excuse yourself." I was still boiling, "Nolini-da, doesn't Mother's decision..." Nolini-da cut me short, "I don't want to hear any further! The Mother wants you to go to Pranab and excuse yourself." In that uncontrollable wrath, with that wounded pride, I had to go and tell Pranab-da, "I'm sorry, Pranab-da, I misbehaved with you. Please excuse me." Like an affectionate elder brother, our "Dada" poured his love on me now. "Shobhamoyi (usually, Pranab-da called me by this name when he was full of affection for me. When, for some reason, he was unhappy, he would address me as "Shobha") You have been at the Ashram for so long, don't you know that every year on 14^th August, there is a programme at the Playground in the evening? Why did you ask the Mother to fix your programme for that day?" Then, suddenly I realised the truth of his statement. So I told him, "It really completely escaped me, Pranab-da." Pranab-da continued, "Yes, Mother also said the same thing, that it had escaped Her. You Mother-daughter forget something, and then you vent your anger on me! Naturally I have to be hard." I replied, "Pranab-da, in that case, we'll do the programme on the 16^th." He was sitting in his chair and beside his table there was a pile of toffees. He filled his right hand with them and offered them to me, "Here, have some toffees!"

This incident was a real eye-opener for me! Foolishly, I had brought down the Mother to our human level. I had presumed that with our petty, ordinary conduct we could disrespect Her, disobey Her. The Mother had shown me how very

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small our human thinking was and how far, and how far above She stood! She is indeed Divine!

Anyway, thanks to every one's effort, the programme 'Offering' dedicated to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, passed off very beautifully. But I had to go through a lot of problems with my large group of participants when the date of the programme had to be changed from the 14^th to the 16^th of August. I had just started directing programmes then, and I had not acquired yet the experience or maturity needed for doing this. As the change of date had taken place so close to the day of the performance, several of the participants who were supposed to leave Pondicherry after the 15^th August Darshan were put to great difficulty. Finding myself in this disagreeable situation and faced with all these consequent problems, I too lost my patience and equanimity. To top that, my going to Pranab-da for forgiveness had been quite an unusual incident in my life. This made my behaviour with the others quite irritable and short-tempered. In the meantime, a rumour was going round the Ashram that the Mother had cancelled our programme. We could not go and see the Mother then, which made it impossible for me to ask or tell Her anything. In that state of mind, I finally penned a rather hopeless letter to Her, asking Her for forgiveness in view of having lost my self-control. Let me share with you Her reply:

(Shobha, my dear child,
My strength is always with you to control yourself - you must learn to use it properly.

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I have never said that the programme was not to take place.

But let all those who have responsibility meet and take the final decisions and my blessings will be with you.
With love.

The Mother)

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The Hour of God: a dance-drama

I had dramatized Sri Aurobindo's The Hour of Goal in English. At the beginning of 1964, myself and K, a friend of mine, decided to inform the Mother about this dramatisation and if She consented, we would put it up for the 1st December programme. I had divided Sri Aurobindo's prose-piece into three parts and each of the three parts was expanded by including extracts from other writings of the Master. I first showed my dramatisation to Norman-da to whom the Mother had given charge of the theater-related and recitation items for the 1^st December on several occasions. I, therefore, first took Norman-da's opinion on my dramatisation and whether it could be put up for a 1^st December programme. As he really liked the adaptation, I sent the script to the Mother and told Her about our wish to put it up. The Mother asked us to show it to Nolini-da. Then through Nolini-da, the Mother sent us word that the 1^st December programme of that year (1964) would be The Hour of God. Along with my friend K, we requested the Mother if She could record The Hour of God in Her voice. She agreed. Sunil-da composed the music for it and we began our work. We first selected the participants for the three parts. Then the rehearsals started at the Theater. Then, I noticed that my personal contribution in this programme suddenly began to decrease. Besides practising for my own part in the programme, I did not have much else to do! K had taken over the whole thing! Norman-da too noticed this. When this went beyond a certain point, Norman-da suggested that I write a letter to the Mother about it. Let me simply

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share here with the readers my letter and the Mother's reply to it:

Mother Divine,
    We have started our work on The Hour of God. We want our labour to be a true offering to You and to Sri Aurobindo.

    Mother, I want to bring to your kind attention that this idea of dividing The Hour of God into three parts and developing each part with suitable lines from Sri Aurobindo is mine, although K has never thought it necessary to mention it to You. When it was necessary to divide the text, prepare the framework of the whole programme, K took my help because it Was my idea and she did not know anything about it before. When that was done she started neglecting me completely. She began discussing with B and C, and has been deciding everything and occasionally letting me know. Sometimes she forgets to do even that. She perhaps thinks that this programme is part of her 'Saturday Programme' and has started organising it herself. She contacted S, V, M etc. and instructed them on their parts. I felt bad, Mother, because, as You know I had an earnest desire to give expression to my own creation, which I could not. Anyway, I have not said anything to K so far. I took it as an opportunity to progress a step forward. Recently she has started behaving so rudely with me that it has become very difficult to work peacefully. She never informs me about the work, she does not even recognise me at times. Mother, pray remove this unfriendly feeling from us.

    Mother Divine, I think You are well aware of the fact that S, K, B, and myself are organising the whole programme, that is - each one is composing or directing a portion of the whole. I feel, Mother, it is necessary to have one of us as a general organiser because there must be one person to connect all the different scenes. B and myself, we think that as S is senior to us and the most experienced in stagecraft among us, she can be the general organiser of this programme. This will quietly avoid a lot of disharmony. Mother, pray for your approval.

    My pranams at Thy feet,

Shobha

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In the letter wherever I had spoken of 'I', 'my', 'mine', the Mother had underlined these in red ink and She wrote at the end of my letter:

(I suppose that now that I am informed of these important facts your EGO is satisfied.

Blessings.

The Mother)

The 1^st December programme came to an end. I still had not been able to overcome my sense of ego, but kept quiet about it. I prayed to the Mother to help me change my nature. My birthday arrived and the Mother gave me a card with a birthday message. There were some grass-flowers stuck on the front of the card. The Mother's spiritual significance of this flower is Humility!

Inside the card was the following message in French which I reproduce here for the readers.

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English translation:
(Happy Birthday to Shobha with my blessings, so that you can keep humility in your heart, for it is this that takes you most certainly to the realisation of the Divine.

The Mother)

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The Music Section

It was my birthday in the year 1965. I had done a painting for the Mother to offer on this day. It was a painting inspired from Savitri. A golden staircase descends from the sky towards the earth. Savitri stands at the head of the staircase. She is coming down this golden staircase. As she is coming down, one part of the earth is illumined by her divine radiance. Below this painting I had put two lines from Savitri:

She is the golden bridge, the wonderful fire.
The luminous heart of the Unknown is she...

The Mother observed the painting for a long time and liked it. "It is fine," She said. Then She handed over the painting to Champaklal-ji. I bowed at Her feet. She held both my hands into Hers and began talking, even as She kept looking into my eyes:

    Mother - I would like to open a Music section here. . .see what you can do with it.

    Saying this, the Mother held my head with both Her hands and closed Her eyes for some time. These words of the Mother were so very unexpected that I just could not believe my ears. I was not sure if I had heard right or was it a projection of my imagination. Then, the Mother opened Her eyes and said sweetly smiling:

    Mother - I don't have any room for it at the moment. I will ask Kireet to find something. When we get something, I will inform you. Do you have any space in your house to take classes?

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    I - (Realising I had indeed kennel correctly) Yes, Mother, there is a big verandah at the entrance to the house. That is where I used to practise and prepare for the Sangeetmala programmes. The space is quite sufficient. I also practise my dance there with Charupada who accompanies me on the tabla.

    Mother - Good. So start your classes there. I will tell Kireet about it. Boys and girls will go to you after their Group activities. Take them once or twice a week, give about an hour or so after your Group activities for these classes.

    I - The children finish sports quite early but my Group ends later. Can I ask my sister-in-law (Arup's mother) to take some classes while I am still at sports. My sister-in-law knows singing.

    Mother - Yes, that's fine. Start the classes in this way for now. I will give you another space when something is available.

    Then the Mother concentrated on me once again for some time. I felt a great strength enter me at Her touch. I bowed my head at Her lotus feet, then holding them I told Her, "Divine Mother, with Your Grace everything is possible." I feel, at that moment on that day, it was my inmost being that had spoken those words to the Mother.

    A long time has passed and the Music section has grown. The Mother has worked through me with the abilities I could muster.

    Anyway, let me come back to that day. I returned with the flowers and the books given by the Mother to Red House. I felt another chapter was opening in my life's book.

    There used to be singing classes at the Ashram before this. When Dilip-da lived here, he would take these classes in his house which is the present-day Tresor Nursing Home. Sahana-di also used to take some classes in her house. When the Mother asked me to take charge of the Music section, I remember Tinkori-da teaching a few students in two rooms adjoining the Dance-hall.

    I also remember that when I used to prepare for the Sangeetmala programmes, if there were any items where students were involved, the Mother would take keen interest

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in looking at the notice and from time to time, She world ask me questions about the items they were presenting. Tc work with the smaller children through Sangeetmala, to organise singing sessions with the boys and girls of the school, all this had become quite routine. The only difference was that these songs were all learnt from records. Teaching songs was another aspect of musical education.

    The singing classes started with the little ones. The front verandah of our house used to come alive with their singing every evening. I began preparing myself to be able to run this Music section. However, at all times, I felt the Mother's help. On Sunday mornings when I went to Her for Pranam, She would sometimes ask if it was not inconvenient to take classes at home. She would also explain to me that a good space hid not yet been found. On one such occasion, the Mother asked me,

    Mother - How are your singing classes going?

    I - Fine, Mother.

    Mother - (selecting flowers to give me) I want to teach music to all my children, any kind of music. All the children are entitled to learning music. This, of course, does not mean that all the students will become expert musicians or artists. But it is important for them to learn to appreciate music. In Europe, all the children learn music right from childhood. Many learn to play the piano from a very tender age. Others learn to play other instruments. You know music is a great art that helps man to purify himself. That is why if you have the time,never refuse any child who wants to learn music.

    The Mother handed me the flowers She had selected and remained focused on me for quite some time. I felt very consciously that the Mother was preparing me in order to help me fulfil my responsibilities in the work She had assigned to me.

    My singing classes in the verandah of the Red House did not last very long.

    A few months later, Tinkori-da fell ill and he could no longer go to the Dancing-hall annexe to take his classes. He asked the Mother if he could continue his classes at home, to which the Mother gave consent. I was, therefore, given access

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to those two rooms where he used to conduct his classes. These two rooms are known today in the Music section as Surashri and Sangeeta. I remember it was through Kireet-bhai that the Mother had sent me information that we could use these two rooms for our Music section. Then on the day I went to see the Mother, I asked Her how we were to organise the music classes. She had told me right from the very beginning that the mind and the being are very alert in the morning hours. That is why it was a good time for studies. The music classes could be kept in the afternoon, evening and at night. However, the Mother had clarified that if there were any students who were extremely keen on music and wished to go into it in depth, for students who considered music as their main subject of interest, then these students should also be permitted to study it in the mornings and arrangements were to be made accordingly. And so, taking the Mother's advice, we started classes in the afternoon and at night. In the mornings, I would be busy at school with the French classes in the Free Progress system and in the afternoon and at night, with the singing classes in the Music section. Kireet-bhai made all the arrangements to equip the Music section with the necessary instruments, - harmoniums, tablas, tanpuras, etc. - and storage spaces to keep them properly. Thanks to his focused attention and help, the Music section took shape quite fast. Within a few months or at the most a year, the singing classrooms, the instrument-storage room and the furniture and other fittings were all ready. One day I expressed my gratitude to Kireet-bhai, "Kireet-bhai, what you've done for the Music section as the Registrar of the school is quite extraordinary!" He smiled sweetly and replied, "Shobha-di, all this is the Mother's Grace. But let me tell you one thing since you've brought up the topic. I used to love music very much right from my childhood and I wanted to study it. However, my father refused to let me pursue this interest as he felt it would distract me from my studies. When I look at these little children today, I remember my own childhood dream "

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When I went to see the Mother, I told Her all this. "Mother, the classrooms of the Music section are ready. I have started taking my classes there. But there is a problem. I teach French in the morning at the school, then in the afternoon I work at the Publication. department between 1.30 and 4. I can, therefore, take singing classes only after Group and after dinner. But there are a lot of children who have enrolled for singing classes. Moreover, You have told us that we should not refuse any child who wants to learn music. I have a request to You, Mother: because of increasing work at the school and in the Music section, working also in the Publication department with Prithwisingh-da is becoming a little difficult. Prithwisingh-da tells me that he will be able to manage the department work with Suprabha, Vinod and Madhurika. If I am allowed to focus a little more in the afternoon on my teaching, I feel I can do my work much better. Can I then stop the Publication department work?" The Mother replied, "Yes, do that."

    Thus, I stopped my afternoon duties at the Publication department and became totally absorbed in the Music section work. I spent my entire afternoons in the Music section as it began growing steadily. The Mother would ask me often:

    Mother - How are your singing classes going on? Is everything fine?

    I - Yes, Mother. By Your Grace, the Music section is growing well. Apart from teaching singing, what else can I do in the music classes? What else can I teach the children?

    Mother - Make them listen to good music. Select good pieces of music, like Bach, Beethoven, Mozart or pieces of Indian classical music, the music of ragas. That will be very beautiful. I like that sort of music very much. You will have to make a very fine selection. (then silence, as She began handing me the flowers one by one. The Mother resumed.) There is another thing where you will need to be very vigilant. Never let the students disrespect music. Never. Because pure music comes from a very high level. That is why it is important that they learn to respect music from an early age. From your

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side, never make students hear light music, never. Do you understand?

    I - What is light music, Mother?

    Mother - Music that has no spiritual touch at all. The music that excites the Vital part in us is merely a play of some rhythmic beats. Always avoid that kind of music. Always stay far from light film music. These kinds of music are to be categorically ignored. I don't want any of that.

    After saying this, the Mother looked at me intently for quite some time.

    I - Mother, how can one get that spiritual touch in music?

    Mother - Awaken the aspiration. Pray to the Divine for aspiration.

    I - (touching the Mother's feet) My sweet Mother, I do not know what the Divine is. For me He lives in the seventh heaven. I can't even think of praying to Him. I just know You. I know that Sri Aurobindo is divine. You are everything to me. You are my Divine. I, therefore, bow at Your feet and pray that You help me to experience that pure music, that real music. Make me pure.

    I once again bowed at Her feet. When I raised my head, I noticed She was holding a beautiful Surrender rose, and waiting to give it to me. As soon as I stood up, She continued with a gentle smile:

    Mother - I am not talking to you about that Divine who dwells in the seventh heaven! I am talking about that Supreme Lord who dwells in your being. Within you - here, here! (The Mother placed Her hand on my chest to show me) Try and establish a connection with Him. He is there! He is there!

    A gentle snowfall of tranquillity touched my body, my mind, my heart. I kept looking at the Mother's eyes, unable to utter a word. The Mother too remained silent. Only the eyes communicated. I don't know how long this lasted. Finally, She blessed me and I came out of Her room.

    On another occasion, when the Mother enquired about the Music classes, I told Her, "Mother, you told me to make them hear good music..." The Mother replied before I had

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completed my sentence, "Yes, make them hear good music. Listening to music is very beneficial. If they are very small, then ask them to lie on mats during the class. Ask them to relax their bodies and close their eyes. Play the music, then. Let the music flow, flow through the nerves and tissues of their body. Let it be absorbed. This is most necessary. It is the same with the older students. But they don't have to lie on mats in order to listen to music. Let them sit comfortably in a relaxed position and play the music to them. You can select a deeper kind of music for this group. This regular listening of music will go a long way in helping them in their future life. This will bring about a certain poise in them, a depth of feeling which are most necessary. You need to select the music very carefully." Isaid, "They just have one class a week. Do I make them hear music in that class?" The Mother asked, "Why do they have only one class? Can't they have more than one class?" I replied, "Mother, they have to study a lot. So they can't give more than one period to music." "But, is there nothing to study in music!" the Mother exclaimed. I did not say anything. The Mother remained quiet for a while. She picked up a flower and started playing with it. Then, She said, "What a pity!"

After I got this work from the Mother, life was not just a bed of roses. There were difficulties and obstacles along the way. When news got around that a Music section had been started here and I was given its responsibility, some people in the Ashram were happy and some were not. All kinds of comments and criticisms began. Everyone had something to say. This kept increasing and by the time these remarks came to my ears, they became quite consequential. None of the critics came to me directly, they kept discussing amongst themselves. The ones who were happy would express their joy whenever they met me. After the closure of Sangeetmala, a new chapter was opening in the field of music. They were glad at this new development. Instead of simply ignoring all the negative, critical comments by people I began lending them credence and as a result, I became more and more discouraged. It took such a proportion that one Sunday when I went to see the Mother,

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I blurted out, "Douce Mere, You've given me a very difficult job with this Music section. I don't think I am worthy of this work. Please allow me to go out for some time and train myself a little in the teaching of music."

Hardly had the Mother heard this that She revealed Her furious side. She was indignant. The expression of Her face changed. With a very loud angry voice, She said, "Go out! GO out! Go out again! All you can think of is 'go out'! Why can't you understand that music is within you? Within you? Here! Here!" Saying this, She tapped me hard on my chest twice. In anger, Her lips and cheeks started trembling. I became absolutely cold seeing this aspect of the Mother. That was the last time I ever spoke to the Mother about going out or of my education in teaching music! The first and last!

After this incident, I began feeling quite worthless. How could I have been affected by the criticism of ordinary people when the work was entrusted to me by the Divine Mother Herself? Foolishly, I once again went and told the Mother about it! I felt ashamed and overcome with regret. However, I did not feel like adding one more gaffe while trying to rectify the preceding one. Like a tree feels after a thunderous storm, I felt the same, broken in heart, mind and body. I went to the Ashram quietly and sat near the Samadhi. After some time my being fell completely silent. A wordless prayer rose from within me like a flame of light.

All I ever had,
At Your Feet I lay.
Make me forever Yours,
Your instrument, I pray!

This experience pushed me into being a little more indrawn. I put all my heart and soul into my work at the Music section now. In those days, I was the only one giving singing classes in the Music section. It was not only about taking classes, because We began all kinds of programmes to encourage music in the Ashram. There were recorded music programmes in the Library, both of Indian as well as of Western classical music. Then, the

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Mother had already made arrangements for programmes by Visiting artists. Programmes by artists were 01 the rise. Within the Ashram too, in order to promote the culture of music, all kinds of programmes were being organised. In the school, in the 4^th period on Saturdays, recorded pieces by well-known masters were played both in vocal and instrumental music.

The work of the Music section went on growing. Children of all ages began to join. It became impossible to take their classes together. They had to be divided into different age-groups and in accordance with their musical capability. Naturally for all these different groups, different sorts of musical material had to be prepared. In the initial years, I had to put in a lot of work. It also became difficult for me to take Classes Of all these different levels. One day, finding the right opportunity, I told the Mother, "Mother, whatever songs I had gathered Over the years in my musical collection, I have exhausted. In order to teach all these different levels of students, I need a huge amount of material, a huge collection of songs. I have practically run out of ideas, Mother. What Should I do now?" Looking at me, the Mother said without the slightest hesitation: "Why? Whatever is needed, create. You prepare them." "But, Mother, I do not know how to prepare this. I do not know how to compose music. I can't. Never have i ever thought of composing music!" The Mother kept quiet. She offered me the flowers She had in Her hand and then blessed me. I came away. The rest of the day passed off like other days. I went for my sports activities in the evening as usual and then returned home.

Every evening, upon returning hone from sports, I Would Switch on the soft blue light in my room. This evening too, as I was removing my kitty-cap, I switched on the lamp. Nobody Was home except my mother who was doing her English homework for Sailen-da's class in the adjacent room. I Was humming some tune aloud. Then suddenly my head was abuzz With a ceaseless flow of melodies. One melody after another, one melody after another! All kinds of melodies, melodies I had never heard before. My head was overflowing

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with them! So overwhelmed was I with fear and nervousness, that I had to seat myself on my bed. I started calling out to the Mother, save me, Mother, save me, please. Had I lost my head? Such a thing had never happened to me before. I had never heard such melodies and tunes before. Please save me, Mother! The melodies did not cease to flood my head. Help, Mother, help! The Mother had swept me away in a flood of melodies and I was quite lost. There were no lyrics, it was only sweet notes. What a marvellous world it was! I don't know how long I must have sat on my bed in this state. I felt that this flood of notes had taken the form and shape of music. Like occasional streaks of lightning appear through dense black clouds, some lines of a song began to break through. The lyrics were in Bengali. I quickly rushed to take pencil and paper and began noting them down. It was quite astounding! Unbelievable Bengali poetry accompanied to music came to light that night. I myself could not believe my eyes!

Hearken the call!

I cannot tarry on the shore anymore.
My tryst is with the Beloved
Beyond the ocean without shore.
Whose call doth me with restlessness fill,
As upon my little raft I float,
O, what shall become of me, my Helmsman,
I cannot see where I drift on my boat.
I cannot tarry on the shore anymore.

Who art thou who call'st me thus.?
Call me again, call me yet again!
In your beckoning call, for my union with you.

By the Mother's Grace, a door, as it were, opened in my creative world. I composed the music and wrote the poem that came to me. This was the first time I had ever composed a song. I was eager to share this experience with the Mother. Unfortunately for some reason the Mother was not seeing any

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of us during that time. But progressively, whatever I needed, She revealed within me. Without a doubt, it took quite a lot of time, energy and effort, but with this new capacity that was unveiled in me by Her Grace, my work in the Music section became a little easier. In those days all the students of music had been divided into three groups. I had to give a lot of time and effort to preparing material for these three levels. With the first lot of smaller children, I started with my own compositions or with what I had learnt in Calcutta, songs by Rabindranath and other patriotic types of songs. For the middle and the upper level groups, I began collecting material from Sahana-di and some from my own collection. Conducting all the three levels of classes all by myself was a dauntingly difficult task. Not just this, but the fact of teaching such a large number of students all together made me feel dissatisfied with my classes. The Mother had, however, entrusted me with this responsibility. But at the time of giving me this work, She did not tell me anything else. I had not quite anticipated in the beginning the pressure I would have to handle in executing this new job. Now I began to feel the load of the Music section work (especially as so many students were enrolling for these classes) and my urgent need for help. I began talking to people about my problem and about the possibility of getting help. Sujata Mahatma was the first one to come forward to lend me a hand. We were now two to do the work. After quite some time, a few more people offered to assist and share the workload. I don't recollect clearly, today, whether these people volunteered while the Mother was still in Her physical body or after She had left. In any case, the next opportunity I got to talk to the Mother about the Music section came after quite a long gap when the Mother began to receive people again. When I stood before Her, I had the distinct experience that this long absence of physical contact had made absolutely no difference to Her sense of awareness. She seemed to know about everything that had happened! I touched Her feet and said, "Mother, I had an experience connected to music. You surely know

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about it. I have never heard such music on this earth before! Never! How marvellous that music was, Mother! So utterly new, I can't tell you, Mother!"

    Mother - There is a region above the earth atmosphere which is the world of art and beauty. The music that exists there rarely comes down to our earth. Rarely!

    I - Douce Mere, I am seeing you after a long gap, but Your help, Your grace have continuously been with me, assisting me, protecting me. The work I used to feel at one time to be impossible to accomplish, today reveals Your presence, Your touch, Your light! You are the one who is guiding me along the path, telling me what I should do.

    The experience of being seated at the feet of the Goddess was unmistakable. The Mother spoke:

   Mother - It will come. Everything will come. Everything is here. Here! Here! (the Mother touches my heart very softly) Whenever I give someone a responsibility, I also keep giving the necessary strength to fulfil it. But when I see that the person is incapable of taking on the responsibility, I look for another instrument. (The Mother places Hen hand on my head and continues) Have faith in me and keep walking. Everything will surely come. Everything will come.

    I - (keeping my hands on Her feet) O Omnipotent Mother, You who can triumph over all, I have received a touch of Your grace. I aspire to become more worthy of You. Grant me strength so that You may make of me a worthier instrument.

    Mother - My blessings will always be with you. Always.

    My long association with the Music section has enabled me to live through many events and incidents. Let me share with you some of these here.

    I am talking about the time when the Mother had left Her physical body. Once, a group of young students were dancing to some light music in front of the Drinking-water room in the school at about 4.30 in the afternoon when there was nobody around. Kireet-bhai, our Registrar then, was working in his office at that time. Hearing this loud music, he went up to these boys and asked them to stop it at once. The music and

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the dancing stopped. Then the same incident recurred another day. This time, he did not tell them anything but came directly to see me. He recounted the entire episode. Some of these boys were students of the Music section. I suggested going to Sunil-da and taking his advice. He agreed. We went and acquainted Sunil-da with the incident. After listening to us, he observed, "It would be good to introduce them to some kind of spiritual music which could touch them at a deeper level and perhaps bring about a change in their natural inclination. However, we don't have this kind of music in our reach that we can give to our students. Teach them classical music. Classical music has never done any harm to anyone. Try it out." At once, on getting this advice from Sunil-da, I got down to implementing it. I had learnt classical music for quite some time in my music school in Calcutta when I lived there. So I myself began acquainting them with classical music in the beginning. The Mother had, however, warned me that in order to teach classical music, competent teachers were required. She had also told me that classical music was not for me. She wanted me to compose music that was original and mine, that came from the depth of my being. Being extremely respectful of the Mother's guidance, I began looking in earnest for some classical music teachers and found one in Arunbishnu. In those days, he used to learn classical music from his father, Monibishnu Chowdhury. As soon as I came to know of this, I went and requested Monibishnu-da to take classes in the Music section. He declined. I then asked him if he would teach me classical music. To this he readily agreed. Around this time, I traced another lady in the Ashram, Shirin Shroff, who was an exponent of the Kirana gharana and used to teach vocal music in Hyderabad. After getting to know about the Music section, she agreed to take some classes and also began teaching me classical music in its different facets with a lot of care and attention. In a very short time I was able to start my education in two different styles of classical music from these two teachers in the Ashram. With one, I got into the ustadi style that consisted in going very deep into a raga and learning

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about free improvisation which was indeed the heart of classical music learning. With the other teacher, I learnt how to make use of raga-singing at the students' level and render it accessible to their aptitude and reach. Both these facets were needed in the Music section. Some time after the start of these classical music classes, a few of the boys who had pushed Kireet-bhai to rethink on how the menace of light music and dance was to be tackled, joined a class of classical music with Arunbishnu. After this, these boys never had that sort of problem again.

The influence and importance of classical music gradually began to increase in the Ashram. The Mother told me once that She wanted all Her children to learn music, some sort of music. In the course of years we had an influx of several teachers of music into the Ashram and now there exist ample opportunities to learn Carnatic or Hindustani vocal, Sitar, Sarod, Flute, Esraj, Tabla, Piano, Recorder, Violin, Cello, Synthesizer, Guitar, etc.

Today, after all these years of working in the Music section and after having come in contact with numerous renowned visiting artists, I feel deeply that it is not enough to have good teachers of music or have at our disposal limitless possibilities of learning music. One has to have the right temperament for music and deep within oneself, a true, genuine urge and aspiration to pursue this great art.

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Western Music Education

I began talking about the Music section from the incident on my birthday in 1965. A long time has elapsed since this Music section came into being and I have gone through a lot, with ups and downs. With regard to my negative experiences, all I wish to say is that we have all come to the Ashram to work towards a change of our nature. That change of human consciousness is the heart of Sri Aurobindo's and the Mother's yoga. Nobody has come to the Ashram a transformed being already. That is why if there are elements in my nature that are still unchanged from the earlier part of my life, my whole-

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hearted endeavour is precisely to work towards their change Let me refer here to a positive development among the good things that have blessed my life. This is in reference to my interest in music and to the Mother's Music section.

    I was very young, then, and my musical voice was quite sweet. I used to live in Red House on the ground floor. There was a well-known singer, a French woman named Marie-Amélie who lived on the floor above. One day around 6 in the morning (my voice training time), someone knocked at my door. I opened the door, it was Marie-Amélie. I welcomed her in. She explained to me in her broken English that she liked my voice. She asked me if I would like to learn western classical music from her. I told her that since I could not quite appreciate Western classical vocal music, I did not feel like learning it. Then she tried to explain that my voice would sound very fine in the Western style of singing. It still did not convince me about taking up her offer. The following Sunday when I went to see the Mother, She told me:

    Mother - Marie-Amélie spoke to me about you. She liked your voice and would like to teach you Western classical music. Do you know about her?

    I - Yes, Mother, I do. But I don't quite like Western classical singing.

    Mother - You have never tried, you have never learnt it. How can you decide whether it is good or bad? She is a very good singer and a very good teacher too. Why don't you give it a try?

    The Mother's word was sacrosanct to us. If She said something, it was impossible for any of us to disregard it. And so I started classes with Marie-Amélie in her apartment at the Red House. After a few lessons, I began enjoying these Western classical music classes and the vocal training this style of singing demanded. That earlier dislike I had for this music slowly changed into genuine appreciation of its method and sweetness. My voice had quite a good reach in the higher range and so when she made me sing alone, I was asked to sing as a soprano.

    Marie-Amélie. used to take her classes in the New Hall

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(today the Hall of Harmony) at the school where there was a piano. The choir group she taught consisted of 78 persons. Four among them also received individual classes, Minnie-di, Ravibala, Wilfy and I. When we had progressed in our training to Marie-Amelie's satisfaction, she organised two programmes for the Mother to hear. One of these happened at the New Hall where the choir was divided into four groups, as is common in Western music: Bass, Alto, Tenor and Soprano. The programme started with four of us singing solo, Minnie-di, Ravibala, Wilfy and I. I remember I had sung a very well-known song, 'Ave Maria' by the famous French composer Charles Gounod. By that time I had really started feeling the depth and sweetness of Western classical singing. The Mother had come to listen to our programme and She appreciated our solo songs. The second programme took place just before Marie-Amelie left for France and this was in the Ashram courtyard, next to the Samadhi, in front of Dyuman-bhai's room. It was a wonderful recital too. The Mother came down the stairs from Her room and sat by the first floor window overlooking the Samadhi.

After listening to me, the Mother told me that She found my voice quite suitable for Western classical singing. I was advised to continue my Western singing classes. Unfortunately Marie-Amelie had to return to France just a few days after this and, consequently, my singing lessons also came to a halt. After quite a long gap, another choir conductor named Richard Eggenberger (Narad) arrived in the Ashram. Some of us took classes with him as well. With Narad too, we had sung for the Mother in front of Dyuman-bha's room and She came and sat by the first floor window to listen to us.

These lessons in Western music were yet another chapter in my life. At that time I was only learning. Today after all the time that has elapsed, I understand how the Mother had imperceptibly unlocked closed hidden doors in the world of my musical aspiration and through these open doors a lot of different kinds of music from many countries and cultures had entered my consciousness and left an imprint on my own music. Today, I have learnt to appreciate a wide variety of mu-

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sic and evaluate and understand them differently. Sometimes, through my musical compositions I get a touch of some new kind of music which leaves me perplexed because I truly wonder where it came to me from. My inmost being tells me that this is a direct gift from the Mother: She has liberated the notes of music within me! From beyond the boundaries of the past, the pulsating throb of a new vibration has dawned upon my heart at the divine touch of the Mother.

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The Organ From The Mother

After I began organising the Sangeetmala programmes, some-one lent me a 'baby organ' or table harmonium. I played on it for some time, but then the person to whom it belonged took it back. After this, I would go to the Library after Group and play the big organ there. Nobody else used it so I would play and sing at the same time.

One day, I got word that Nolini-da wanted to see me. As I entered his room, he asked me, "Mother wanted to know if you had an organ." "No, Nolini-da, I sometimes go and play the organ in the Library with Niranjan-da's permission. I don't have any organ at home."Nolini-da replied, "I will inform the Mother."

After this I forgot all about the incident. From time to time, K and I would go to the Library and sing, K would play the guitar and I would recite something. Or when K recited I would play the organ. We used to really play and sing to our hearts' content. One day, I went to take my French class at the school. When I got back in the afternoon, I found Niranjan-da sitting outside in the verandah of our house along with the big organ of the Library. As soon as I entered, he informed me that the Mother had instructed him to hand over the organ to me. It was to remain with me. I was overjoyed! It was a pedal-organ and had a very deep, sweet sound. I called a few boys and got the organ moved into my room. My heart was dancing that day! I had never imagined that such a big organ

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would one day sit in my room! The following Sunday when I went to meet the Mother, She said:

    Mother - Have you received the organ I sent to you?

    I - Yes, Mother. I have. It's beautiful and the sound is absolutely lovely!

    Mother - I would like you to play this organ. You know how to play it, don't you?

    I - Yes, Mother. When I was studying in Calcutta, my Principal, Miss Lindsay, taught me the piano. I can't play it very well but I do play.

    The Mother straightened herself in Her Chair and closed Her eyes as if She had gone into a trance. I kept looking at Her from my seated position. After some time, She spoke again:

Mother - Sit before the organ daily. Pray to Sri Aurobindo for a few minutes before starting to play. Something will come. To start with you will need some text. You could select some parts from my Prayers and Meditations. Try and compose something around that.

    Then the Mother smiled a little, concentrated on my eyes, then continued:

    Mother - Let's end it here. Aurevoir, my dear child.

    I - Aurevoir, Douce Mère.

    She began giving me flowers into both my hands, one by one. I asked Her:

    I - Mother, have You played this organ?

    Mother - No.

    She blessed me once more. Today, after all these years, I look at myself and I understand how much of the Mother's Grace and benediction were behind that simple act of giving me that organ.

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The Dance Of Mahakali

This incident had taken place in my life when I was very young. If I remember right, it was just a few years after my settling here in the Ashram for good. After having told you about a lot of

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events of my life, I am writing about this, almost at the end of my narrative. The reason for this is that the incident has left a very strong imprint on me and is among the few most amazing events of my life. I cannot ever wipe away the memory of this incident from my life. Had this not happened to me, I would never have believed that such an experience was even possible!

Let me then come back to my narrative. That year Anu-ben, our dance teacher, was directing a dance-drama called Mahishasuramardini for the 1^st December programme. The story depicted the four aspects of Mother Durga and a lot of the actors for the dance-drama had been selected by the Mother Herself: for instance, Mother Durga was Anu-ben, Maheshwari was Gauri Pinto, Mahalakshmi was Light Ganguly, Mahasaraswati was Jhumur and Mahakali was myself. In addition, there were three Asuras: Shumbha, Nishumbha and Raktabeej, played respectively by Mona, Vishweshwar and Niranjan, if I recall correctly. I don't quite recollect who had selected the actors for the Asuras, the Mother or Anu-ben. The story was the well-known traditional one. The dance choreography and direction were by Anu-ben and the music was by Sunil-da. In those days, Sunil-da's music still had echoes of traditional Indian motifs. Although the new strains had not yet come into his ken, his music invariably had a distinct originality which was most enchanting. Anu-ben's dance choreography was ready and we had begun rehearsing with Sunil-da's music. As the slaying of the Asuras was the central theme of the drama, my dance was the longest. I had to appear in several scenes. Each day, during the rehearsals, I was face to face with a feeling that I could not quite describe or understand. This unresolved state of being persisted within me. I could not share it with anyone either, even though it was beginning to bother me considerably. The 1^st December was around the corner. Something had to be done quickly about this problem, otherwise I would not be able to clear my mind and dance my part to satisfaction. Finally, I decided to go and see the Mother on 29^th November and tell Her about it.

I - Mother, I am unable to dance the part of Mahakali.

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    Mother - Why, what's happened?

    I - Mother, how can I dance Mahakali before You?

    Mother - Make the effort, it will come.

I - There's a thought that invades me all the time. We do not know anything about the consciousness of Mahakali. You will be sitting before us. How will I be able to battle with the Asuras in front of the real Mahakali? My dance is very powerful, Mother, but how can I dance in front of You? How can I act as Mahakali, when the real Divine Mother is present before me? Tell me, Mother, what I should do.

The Mother sat for a long time in silence, eyes closed. Then, She spoke:

Mother - Try and gather all the force within you. Now channelize this concentrated force on all those weaknesses in your nature you are conscious of, so that these are destroyed. Try and destroy the limitations from your nature. I think this will help you.

I came away from the Mother with Her blessings. The next day, I had another interview with Her.

    I - Divine Mother, tomorrow is 1^st December, the day of our programme. I am just unable to do Mahakali's dance. Nothing is coming.

    Mother - Call Her. She will help you.

    I - (stunned) Call Mahakali, Mother?

Mother - Yes, call Her. She will come.

I - I am calling, Mother. You come, come, come.

The Mother fixed Her regard on me for quite some time. Total silence reigned between us. I bowed down to Her and came away.

1^st December arrived. That day, I just kept calling Mahakali and thought of nothing else. I kept praying to Her. I arrived at the Theater at the designated time to get ready. Millie-di did my make-up, helped me with my costume and ornaments. I was wearing a red Banarasi silk Saree with a golden zari border, hair open, a crown on the head and other ornaments 0n the body. I held a big metal sword in my hand. Millie-di said, "Shobha, go and look at yourself

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in the mirror." But in Shobha's mind and heart, there was but one prayer repeating itself: "Mahakali! Compassionate Mahakali! Come down, O Mother!" The clock struck eight. The gong sounded for the curtains to be drawn. The dance started with the strains of Sunil-da's music. I was to enter the stage a little later. I sat totally concentrated in the wings awaiting my cue. Now it was my turn to go on stage. With two striding leaps I landed on the stage with great force. Under the impact, my sword broke into two! The upper part landed in front of the Mother's feet. The lower half remained in my hand. As soon as this happened, there was a loud gasp of panic from those who were sitting around the Mother. I myself was awe-struck by this gasp of panic. But I was reassured that the broken sword piece had not touched the Mother. My dance was such that I had not a second of pause. The music rolled on. I danced with a lot of power and enthusiasm. (The spectators told me the following day that the dance had been quite out of the ordinary.) Mahakali's role on stage was to slay the Asuras Shumbha and Nishumbha. Even before the goddess had slain them, they were covered in blood. One of them was hurt in the neck, the other one in the arm. I concluded it must have been caused by my broken sword. Just then, such a power came down into my body that I could not be bothered about anything or anyone. I began moving with tremendous power and elan as I slew the Asuras. At the end of the dance-drama, Mother Durga reappeared on stage, her foot on the chest of one of the slain demons. Then, slowly the four aspects of the Mother came on to the stage and stood around Mother Durga - Maheshwari, Mahakali, Mahalakshmi, Mahasaraswati. The concluding strains of Sunil-da's music had uplifted the atmosphere with such sweeping beauty and emotion that I find it difficult to describe and impossible to forget. In the final part of the dance-drama, the spotlight was on the Asuras at Mother Durga's feet. The other aspects of Mother Durga were standing behind Her and seeing my condition, I too moved a little behind. My body was trembling visibly

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and I did not wish to catch anybody's attention. Mercifully, the last pieces were rather short and soon the curtains came down. At once, I went and caught hold of the wooden side-wing to stabilize myself. I felt quite out of sorts with that uncontrollable trembling of the body. I was unable to speak at that moment. I had no control over the body. The people on the stage, observing my condition, went and got Millie-di. Seeing me in that state, Millie-di asked, "Shobha, what's happening to you.? Why are you trembling like this?" I was unable to reply, as my body kept trembling terribly. She called Amiyo-da who seeing my condition, at once called Vishwanath-da. In the meantime, Millie-di kept holding me. She asked Amiyo-da to quickly inform the Mother about it. Both of them holding me from either side took me to the Mother. The Mother was sitting in Her resting-room on the left side of the stage. They made me enter the Mother's room and closed the door behind me. She was seated in an easy-chair. Pranab-da was standing next to Her, talking. As soon as I entered the room, She turned Her gaze on me. She laughed. Then She stretched out both Her arms, beckoning me towards Her. At this point, Pranab-da went out of the room. As soon as I was in front of Her, She held both my arms. I sat down in front of Her. She took my hands into Hers and concentrated intently on me. My body continued to tremble, so much so that even as She held my hands tight, Her shoulders began to tremble as well. In that instant, the Divine Mother's real form was revealed to me. She was silent but what power Her eyes radiated! Through Her hands, I experienced an extraordinarily divine strength! Even though Her body too was trembling because She was holding me, the force emanating from Her eyes was formidable. She kept holding me in this way for some time. The trembling in my body began slowly to abate. Then I returned to my normal self. When my body took back its normal poise, the Mother concentrated on me with exceeding sweetness and a gentle smile, and placed Her right hand on top of my head. After a while, She said, "Do you know what you have done, my

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dear child? You have invoked Mahakali's presence in your body! C'était très bien, mon enfant! C'était très bien." (It was very good, my child! It was very good.) I found my familiar Mother now. She used to often mix a few sentences in French while talking to me in English.

Had I not experienced this in my body, had I not had this incredible experience, I would never have believed that such a thing was possible. The Mother had asked me to call Mahakali. So, I had called out to Her with all my heart and soul, with all the sincerity I was capable of. I did not know at all, then, what the force of Mahakali was, how powerful its effect on the human body. In that day's experience, I found once again the unmistakable compassion and blessing of the Mother.

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The Rhythm Eternal: a dance-drama

One of those days when I had gone to the Mother, She told me, "I would like you to prepare a dance-drama." "When, Mother?" I asked. "I will let you know the date later." She said nothing after that. I took the flowers from Her and She blessed me. I came down from Her room. A few days passed. Then, I wrote a letter to the Mother:

Douce Mère,
You have asked me to prepare a dance-drama. Can I do something on the seasons?

    Do I have Your consent for doing a dance-drama on the seasons?

The Mother's reply:
    Yes, that's fine. Take a few lines from Sri Aurobindo.

   So, the theme was chosen. I began work in full earnest. After the Mother's consent, lots of ideas started churning in my head. I started working wholeheartedly on the script which was very hard and demanded a lot of time. On the very first occasion of our meeting after this, the Mother gave me some

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lovely suggestions - how seasons have been circulating around the earth since time immemorial, what each season contributed to the planet, etc. I forgot to note all these down, but at that time they were still fresh in my mind. The Mother had asked me to select some lines from Sri Aurobindo. And so I began the script with lines from Savitri, Book One, Canto One.

The programme would begin with Sunil-da's music and this was followed by the Mother's recorded reading of these lines from Savitri:

It was the hour before the Gods awake.
Across the path of the divine Event
The huge foreboding mind of Night, alone
In her unlit temple of eternity,
Lay stretched immobile upon Silence' merge.

There was no dance with these lines, just Sunil-da's music and Tej-da's play of lights. Then, some more lines from Savitri followed in the Mother's words (without any dance):

Almost one felt, opaque, impenetrable,
In the sombre symbol of her eyeless muse
The abysm of the unbodied Infinite;
A fathomless zero occupied the world.

Sunil-da's music would play on. The Mother's voice once again:

Then something in the inscrutable darkness stirred.

At this point, the earth is vaguely visible on stage. There's a marvellous play of lights around the earth to show how the life-giving Force quickens within the heart of our planet. Now, from within the earth and circling around it, will emerge the seasons:

Three thoughtful seasons passed with shining tread
And scanning one by one the pregnant hours
Watched for a flame that lurked in luminous depths,
The vigil of some mighty birth to come.

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I began working slowly on the script. Since it was the Mother's wish to get this programme done, I felt it important to organise it in an appropriate way. I used the lines from Sri Aurobindo, especially from Savitri, as my descriptive support. Lines from Sri Aurobindo's epic poem, Savitri, in the Mother's own voice, slokas from the great poet Kalidasa's Ritu Samhar set to music, songs of nature from the Poet of poets, Rabindranath, all these were woven into something quite impressive. When the script was ready, I myself was moved to read it. How was I able to prepare such a script? The words of the Mother echoed in my ears: When I give someone a responsibility, I also give that person the force to carry it out. I felt the Mother's help and inspiration constantly guiding me during the entire preparation of this programme. The first part of the programme was based on the script. The second part was to be music. At that time I was already responsible for organising visiting artists' programmes. I would come in contact with a lot of artists, get to know some more deeply. I decided to seek the collaboration of some of them after obtaining the Mother's consent. Among these was Bhubaneswar Mishra, a violin-player, music composer and director of the Cuttack All India Radio station, with whom I was very closely connected. I acquainted him with this programme. He was delighted to take charge of the entire orchestration. He got the musicians of the Cuttack radio station to record some of his superb compositions for the programme and sent them to us. Raghunath Panigrahi, the celebrated singer, agreed to compose all the Sanskrit slokas from Kalidasa's poem. Sahana-di took charge of the songs of Rabindranath. Tarit Chaudhuri, a Rabindra-sangeet singer, sang some very beautiful compositions of Tagore under Sahana-di's direction.

I remember the day of the programme. The curtains were drawn and the programme started. The extraordinary lines from Book One, Canto One were heard! Then the descent of Mother Earth accompanied to Tarit-da's singing:

O enchantress of Earth's heart, O Mother,
O gentle limpid sunlit Earth, O Mother of the world.
O enchantress of Earth's heart, O Mother.

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I still cannot forget the poignaent mood that was created by Tarit-da's heart-rending song. This was followed by Maya Mitra's extraordinary sitar-playing. A lot of singers from the Ashram had lent their voices in the chorus for the Rabindra-sangeet under Sahana-di's direction. The musical side became a very lovely aspect of the programme. Tej-da was in charge of the lighting. Except for the dance, everything was arranged. I decided to take help from Roshan-ben and Anu-ben but they could not help me with the dance on stage. So I asked the Mother what I should do about the dance. As the script was written by me, the Mother suggested that I look after the dance choreography, in addition to the direction and everything else connected with the programme. I could not say anything to Her. In the midst of lines from such luminaries like Sri Aurobindo, Kalidasa, Rabindranath, music by such talented musicians like Bhubaneswar Mishra, Raghunath Panigrahi, Maya Mitra and Sahana-di, Tarit-da and Sunil-da, I just wondered how my ordinary dance-compositions would look! Moreover, I had given up dancing then. I just could not pluck up enough courage to tell anything to the Mother. I suggested to the Mother that Sanjukta Panigrahi could come one week before the actual show, and enact the role of Mother Earth, which was a very-pivotal role. I could also ask her for help for my other dance-compositions. The Mother agreed to my proposal and asked me to try working it out. I am talking of a time when the telephone was not so much in vogue yet. Thus, I sent Sanjukta a letter. She was absolutely thrilled and honoured to have been chosen by the Mother to participate in an Ashram programme. She began to work on her dance while I continued to work on the programme on my side. By this time, Bhubaneswar Mishra had sent me his orchestrated music from Cuttack. I was impressed with the beauty of his compositions played by professional musicians of the radio station.

In the Ashram, an air of great expectation arose around this programme. We were all extremely busy with our respective responsibilities. One day, Nolini-da sent for me. He told me that the Mother had selected the date for the programme:

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3.5.1967. As a large crowd was expected for the special Darshan of 45.67, the programme was to be put up on two days, on 3.5 and 5.5. The Mother had asked me to do this programme for this special occasion. I handed over a paper to Nolini-da and told him that I had two possible titles for the programme, The Eternal Rhythm or Omnipresence. Could he request the Mother to select one?

The Mother crossed out The Eternal Rhythm and wrote in Her beautiful handwriting The Rhythm Eternal. And so this is how our dance-drama came to be called. Everyone in the Ashram waited eagerly for this programme organised on the occasion of the 4.5.67 special Darshan of the Mother. One day, at around 10 in the morning, I went to the Meditation hall to sit quietly for a while. I saw Udar-da coming down the staircase. He came to me and enquired, "Shobha, I hear you are doing a dance programme for the special Darshan of the Mother on 4.5.67?" I nodded. "You know," Udar-da continued, "that this is a programme on the occasion of a very special Darshan. A lot of people are coming. Will you be able to handle such a special programme?" "Well, it is the Mother who asked me to do it," I replied. "Ah, it is the Mother who asked you?" he asked. I did not respond to that and left for my work. A few days went by and I completely forgot about this meeting. Then one morning, a car began honking loudly outside Red House. There was no door-bell to our house in those days. I went out and saw Udar-da in his car. He stretched out his right hand from the window towards me. I did not quite understand why he wanted to shake hands with me. He said, "Dear Shobha, do you know what happened? I asked the Mother if She had asked you to do the special programme for 4.5.67. The Mother confirmed it, so I asked, 'Do you think Shobha will be able to do it?' To which once again the Mother replied, 'Yes.' I was overjoyed to hear this from Her. Truly overjoyed." I looked at Udar-da and said, "Thank you, Udar-da."

The day of the programme was nearing. It was almost time for Sanjukta to arrive. I was more or less ready with my part

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of the work. Bhubaneswar-da, Tej-da, Raghunath, Tarit-da who lived outside Pondicherry were requested to come one week before the programme in order to watch the final show. In the meantime, two unexpected events took place. I developed carbuncles on both my thighs which made walking or even sitting difficult. I was seriously worried :as I had so much work and responsibility on my shoulders that there was no time for even the slightest rest. Then a telegram arrived from Sanjukta for the Mother asking Her to forgive her as due to some unavoidable urgent work, she was unable to participate in the programme. How was I to get over these two setbacks? The carbuncles were at such a place and the pain so bad that even normal activity became terribly arduous. Plucking all the courage I was capable of, I dragged myself to the Theater every evening for the rehearsals. Sanjukta's absence from the programme was also a huge source of worry. Quite crestfallen, I implored the Mother, praying to Her to give us some guidance in this pathetic situation. The Mother reassured me saying that since I had composed the rest of the dances for the programme, I could easily choreograph the dance for 'Mother Earth' as well. In fact, She insisted that I compose the dance. But what about my carbuncles? She simply ignored that bit, gave it absolutely no importance, as it were! Helplessly I went on with my physical problem, "Douce Mere, I'm unwell. How will I dance? Can't we change the date of the programme?" "No, no," the Mother replied at once, "how can that be? Everything has been finalised now. This is a special programme and, therefore, we cannot change the dates." The Mother caressed my head a few times and said, "Everything will be fine. You will dance on the day of the programme." After hearing this from the Mother, I simply kept quiet. I did not tell this to anyone, not even to Ma. Those who. had a part in this programme and those who knew about Sanjiukta's coming to portray Mother Earth, kept asking me repeatedly about her. They may have found out from Tej-da, Bhubaneswar-da and Raghunath that she was not coming. Then the countless questions arose, one by one: who is going to dance then? How will

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you dance? You can hardly walk! Why don't you take someone else? And so on and so forth. I remained absolutely still within. I just said what was essential and kept my silence. It was the day of the light-trial. The entire programme was ready, it looked and sounded quite fine. The following day was our dress-rehearsal. I was awfully busy. Millie-di was a great help with the costumes. We did a run-through of the whole programme: the first part in costumes, then the second part also with appropriate costumes. When I saw the dances in their respective costumes, I realised that The Rhythm Eternal was slowly taking a beautiful shape. If all the aspects progressed in the same way, then the programme would stand on its feet rather well.

The day of the programme arrived. The Ashram was chock-a-block with people who had come for the Darshan. On the morning of 3^rd May, I sent a letter along with a bouquet of flowers to the Mother on behalf of all the participants and I prayed to Her for Her blessings so that I would come out successfully in this test. I have already mentioned earlier that the 1st December or any other programme was to us an offering to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. This day also, my call to Them was as sincere and intense: I just kept calling Her all the time. The Theater started filling up. Everything was ready for the offering. The gong sounded at the appointed hour, 8 o'clock. Sunil-da's music filled the auditorium and the Mother's voice resounded:

It was the hour before the Gods awake...

Tej-da's marvellous play of lights followed by the Mother's voice once again and then again Sunil-da's music echoed in the air. Then, the play of lights brought the stage alive accompanied with the Mother's voice. Now, the spotlight fell on me. I just lost myself in that celebration of flooding light and I danced movements that my body had never incarnated before, poses filled the stage that I had never seen myself. The entire programme began unfolding before my eyes like a dream. All trace of pain just vanished from my body. My

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dancing body moved with such fluid grace and uninterrupted rhythm that I myself was taken aback. It was now time for the last scene. I had to dance a duet with Spring. Bhubaneswar-da's remarkably orchestrated music played on and created a veritable atmosphere of gaiety. Spring in the heart of the Earth! New life and a new spirit infused Mother Earth as the concluding lines from Savitm' were heard in the Mother's voice. This combined with Sunil-da's music and Tej-da's lights brought an otherworldly feeling to the Earth as the six Seasons circled around her. And against a light-blue golden backdrop the curtains gently closed to the sweeping uplift of Sunil-da's brilliant composition.

The curtains were now drawn and silence reigned for a while. Krishna who had played the role of Spring as well as all the others who had danced with me (whose names I do not recollect now) stood around me on the stage in silence. After these few seconds of silence, the auditorium burst into applause and it continued for quite some time. The stage was still dark. Everyone around me left the stage to go into the green-room. Some people came backstage to express their appreciation. Udar-da was the first among them. There were also Tej-da, Bhubaneswar-da, Raghunath, Vishwanath-da and many more. I remained absolutely tranquil as if a huge flood of peace had inundated my mind, heart and body. Some-where deep within me I had the conviction and faith that when the Mother had assured me that I would dance on the final day, She would also make it happen. And yet, a slight spot of doubt also lurked somewhere in the being: would I be capable of being a worthy instrument of Her grace?

The Rhythm Eternal has left an indelible mark on my life, a deeply rooted experience. The atmosphere created by Sri Aurobindo's lines from Savitri, Sunil-da's music, Tej-da's lighting had transported me to some other world and this feeling remained with me for several days after the programme. I observed a great change within me. After the programme was over, my mind quite stilled and that deep experience I had gone through well-protected in my inner being, I returned home.

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The following day when I went to see Nolini-da, I came to know that a proposal had been put forward to the Mother to have one additional show besides the one slated for the 5^th of May. And the Mother had agreed. After talking to Pranab-da, the Mother had asked Nolini-da to inform me about this show being fixed for the 7^th. After telling me this Nolini-da said to me that he had gone to see the dance-drama and had liked it very much. I requested Nolini-da to ask the Mother if She would agree to see me for Pranam for a very short while on the 5^thor the 6^th of May. He told me to come back the following afternoon at half past two for the Mother's answer. The Mother gave Her consent for me to go and see Her on that 5^th afternoon itself at 3.30 after seeing some other people. I went up to Her with some flowers. She held both my hands in Hers and looked into me for quite some time. She seemed to be in Her Mahalakshmi aspect. Then She said, "My dear child, do you know what you have done? You have conquered the impossible. I knew that you were capable of this." The Mother had to see a couple of other people after me and so I could not stay with Her for very long. However, these few words from Her and Her blessings have guided me all along my life. Under the influence of the Mother's divine force, our inner and outer beings were deeply touched and the programme itself had been rendered possible in a way that our ordinary human endeavour could never have been able to achieve.

That is why today as I remember that descent of the Mother's extraordinary divine force, my whole being sings aloud:

Victoire à la Douce Mère!

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Some more memories

About Another Programme

Once I was preparing a dance-drama that the Mother had liked very much, although I don't quite recollect its name today. She had seen it and when all of us went to see Her after the performance, She praised us very generously. Then, when I went back to see Her the following Sunday, She brought it up once more and said positive things about it again. I did not say anything to the Mother but just considered myself blessed to receive such appreciation from Her. The following Sunday, the Mother once more began talking about the same programme in glowing terms. Then, She enquired if I was thinking of any other programme. I could not contain myself and blurted out to Her:

I - Douce Mère, what did you exactly like in my programme?

Mother - Your programme was very good, my child. The way you depicted man's aspiration rising from ignorance and darkness, I liked that very much. There was true aspiration in it. It was good, I liked it.

I was not totally satisfied with this dance-drama, which impelled me to break my silence and tell the Mother:

I - Douce Mère, You always appreciate and encourage us for our smallest endeavours, our play-lets, our recitations. But, Mother, our efforts are so incomplete, so run-of-the-mill! I

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myself am so dissatisfied with my own efforts. How did you see so much that's positive in this programme? What was it really that you liked? I thought many times of asking you but never plucked up enough courage to do so. Divine Mother, you are Mahalakshmi, you are the symbol of perfection! How did you see beauty in this programme?

    The Mother laughed a little and then stayed silent for a while. Then, She spoke:

    Mother - Whenever I see a programme, I identify myself with its director. I identify myself with his or her efforts, her force of imagination. I see the effort, the imagination, the force of vision that has gone into the making of the programme. You know, when you identify yourself with the director in this way, you see everything differently. (silence) In the new world this identification will happen quite effortlessly. Then, any programme will be approached in this way by people who have developed this power of receptivity. The completeness of technical perfection will obviously be present. Each programme will have to be executed in an aesthetic way in its totality, but the cardinal need would be this inner aspiration, this inner feeling with which the director has executed the work, the inner vision that has guided the director. This is very important here, my dear child, and that is what I see in your programme, present in a very beautiful way.

    When the Mother said this, She looked intently into my eyes. I don't remember which flowers the Mother gave me on this darshan. Then, taking my hands into Hers once more, She concentrated on me and said,

    Mother - Aurevoir, my dear child. Let there be more light, more consciousness in your programmes. Aurevoir!

    I - Douce Mère, I feel if we do a cultural programme with the right attitude, it becomes a means of upward progress. Is that not so, Mother?

    Mother - Cultural programmes do not only take you higher, they also are a means of self-purification.

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About Rehearsals

I - Mother, yesterday during a rehearsal, I lost my temper with the participants of my dance-drama. When they are supposed to get ready for their scene, they are always chattering away. They talk and giggle so much that the atmosphere becomes very light and casual and I am just not able to work.

Mother - (almost cutting me) You must not work in such conditions. Tell your students that when they have decided to do anything, whatever that might be, singing, dancing or anything else, there should absolutely be no talking. If they can't do that, then they must endeavour towards it. Ask them to leave the rehearsal area if they can't do this. When they are capable of controlling themselves, they can come back for the rehearsals.

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Mischief In The Singing Class

I - Douce Mère, during the singing class the children do a lot of mischief, keep chatting. How can I control them?

Mother - When they do mischief, ask them to go out of the class. Make them understand that this sending them out of the class is not to punish them but to make them conscious that they should not behave in that way. When they realise their mistake, call them back to the class with a lot of gentleness and love.

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A wish fulfilled

When Ma and I came away from Calcutta to the Ashram, we were able to bring with us only a few pieces of our jewelry, which we offered to the Mother. Since we had left the house against Father's wishes, we were not able to take any money with us. The Mother too had never brought up this topic. However, I had a secret desire which was to offer some money

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to the Mother if I had the opportunity. If possible, I would make something with my hands and the money earned from its sale, I would offer to the Mother.

Many, many years later, a gentleman named Robi Bhaduri opened a shop called Auro Jewellers close to the Playground that sold sarees, kurtas and bed-linen etc. brought from Bengal. I got to know Robi-da because of our common interest in music. He was very fond of me and invited me from time to time to see the new arrivals in his shop. I was attracted to these different kinds of sarees from Bengal and although I could not afford to buy them, I still would enjoy seeing them. One evening after my Group activities, I went to Robi-da's shop. I saw there were two sarees with fabric painting. At once I asked Robi-da that since the sarees did not seem to be from Calcutta, where they had come from. He replied that a woman from the Ashram had painted them. "Do you pay for the painting work?" I asked. Robi-da answered that he did pay for this work, although the amount was decided upon by the painter of the Saree. This set my mind thinking: if I could paint some sarees in this way and sell them through Auro Jewellers I would earn some money from it which would help me fulfil my long-cherished desire of offering some money earned by me to the Mother. After talking to Robi-da, I returned home. Now I had to tell the Mother about it for without Her permission I could not do this work. Plucking up courage, I acquainted the Mother with my long-cherished desire and prayed for Her permission to go ahead with my plan. Luckily, the permission was granted.

I informed Robi-da that I was starting this work. On 5 different coloured silk sarees I drew five different kinds of flowers: Power (hibiscus), Harmony, Radha's Consciousness, Silence and roses. Once the sarees were ready, I would show Krishnalal-ji the work and ask him to evaluate the price it could fetch. Since he knew that this money would go to the Mother, he did this evaluation most willingly. Moreover, he had been my drawing teacher too. I was able to paint only five sarees in this way as it was extremely time-consuming. But then, I did receive good money in return. Thus, I was able to offer to

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the Mother some money earned through my effort and She accepted it most graciously. The pressure of daily work was so great that I could not continue with this plan for very long. I was forced to abandon it.

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A Little Problem

At the time I am writing about, I had no money of my own. The Mother used to provide us with everything that we needed for our daily use from 'Prosperity'. Whenever I needed to write a letter to Calcutta, I would ask Nolini-da for the postcard or stamp and envelope. We had breakfast and lunch at the Ashram Dining-room. Dinner was brought from there and eaten at home. Corner House, the students' canteen, had not yet started then. In those days, tiffin was provided from a small room in the Playground which disappeared when the Playground was renovated. When I started organising programmes for visiting artists, my contacts with them began also to grow and deepen. I would try to increase my collection of bandishes of Raga music, Bengali songs of all styles (Rabindra-sangeet, Nazrul- giti, Atulprasad, Bengali compositions based on ragas, etc.) from these artistes who came to the Ashram. During their short sojourn, I would try to learn as much as I could with them. My primary preoccupation through all these efforts was to be as worthy an instrument of the Mother's work as was possible for me. Remaining in the Ashram atmosphere and keeping myself as open to the Mother as possible, I would try and enrich myself with all my heart and soul. In those days, the artists who came here came primarily for the Ashram, to spend some time in its spiritual atmosphere and to imbibe a little bit of the Presence that Sri Aurobindo and the Mother had charged the Pondicherry air with. Presenting their music was not their principal objective. Thus, many of these artists would come regularly to spend some time here. During their stay here, a beautiful relationship developed between myself and them in several fields. I received a lot of music and knowledge of music

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from them. In turn, I would share with them my love for Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and their Ashram. If any of them expressed a wish to learn Dilip Kumar Roy's or Sahana-di's songs, I would try and help them with it. But progressively, I came face to face with a little problem. It was, honestly, quite a minor problem but whenever I was confronted by it, it would bother me. The problem was about hospitality, about civility. Those who are residents of the Ashram are familiar with the life here and they do not even think about this need of hospitality towards others. But then each time I would work with them for an hour or so at home in order to learn something from them, offering them a cup of tea and some snacks was a very spontaneous, natural desire. It would appear to me as a thing of basic civility. In the beginning, I would simply avoid it, but then some incidents that took place forced me to write to the Mother about it. I also wrote to Her stating that if She saw anything wrong with this feeling I had of wanting to be a little hospitable, She should tell me frankly. If She felt this to be a legitimate need, then could She make some arrangement for it? The Mother did not answer back or even mention anything in this regard. Simply, from that time, She started giving me some money every month for such expenses.

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Imitating The Mother’s Music

I — Divine Mother, people comment that I imitate your organ music. When I play the organ, they feel I am trying to play Your music. Not everything but some parts at least. They call me a copycat of Your music.

Mother — You cannot imitate my music unless it comes from within. Sit in silence before the organ and remember me.The music will come. As for people’s comments, when they tell you such things, tell them, “If I won’t copy the Mother, who else shall I copy?” Aurevoir, my dear child.

I — Aurevoir, Douce Mère.

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"No, no, that's a music room!"

If I remember rightly, it was July of 1972. Udar-da had come to pick me up from Red House for an important meeting. I requested him to sit in the outer verandah just in front of my room as I went in to get my bag and put on my sandals. When I came out of the room, Udar-da asked, "Shobha, is that the room you live in?" "Yes, Udar-da," I replied. "You must be creating a lot of music there then! How strange!" And after he had made that remark he began recounting an incident.

Several years before we came to live in the Red House Udar-da, Mona, his wife and his daughter Gauri who was very small then, used to live there. The first few Christmas celebrations in the Ashram had taken place in the Red House. Anyway, on one such occasion, the Mother Visited their house. As Udar-da was showing Her the different rooms, She stood facing the room where I was staying now, and asked What that room was being used for. "We play table-tennis in there," he answered. The Mother, it seems, said at once, "No, no, that's a music room!" At that point of time, Udar-da did not understand what Her remark meant. After the passage of so many years, the inner truth of that statement finally dawned on him.

For me, it naturally had a very special significance indeed! In 195 1, when my mother and I came to the Ashram for good, it was the Mother Herself who had chosen the Red House for us. It was Nolini-da who revealed this to me while I was describing our beautiful house to him!

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The Organ Is Your Instrument

I had bought a beautiful Spanish guitar from a French guitarist. It had a lovely sound. I had been learning from a Parsi lady, Tehmi Marszpan, for quite some years now. For some reason, I had not informed the Mother about this. I would tell myself that the Mother did not have time to listen to all our necessary

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and unnecessary things of life and so thinking this matter to be insignificant I had never talked about this with the Mother. Once, I went to the Mother to ask for Her permission for some programme of mine. She readily gave Her consent and after this I informed Her that I was going to help Anu-ben for another programme.

Mother - Are you going to play some music for this programme?

    I - Yes, Mother, I am.

    Mother - Do you have an instrument? What instruments do you use?

    I - I use the organ apart from the sitar, sarod, flute and guitar.

    Mother - Who is going to play the flute?

    I - Tublu (Aniruddha), Mother.

    Mother - And the guitar? Who is playing the guitar?

    I - Mother, I am.

    Mother - You will play the guitar? Can you play the guitar? I didn't know that!

    I - Yes, Mother, I have been learning with Tehmi-ben.

    The Mother became a little serious and kept quiet after this. During this time, She kept selecting the flowers She wanted to give me. Then, handing me over the flowers with a smile, She said sweetly:

    Mother - The guitar is not your instrument. Don't play the guitar. The organ is your instrument. Concentrate on the organ. Play the organ. Haven't I given you an organ? Play that. Pray to Sri Aurobindo before. Play after that.

    The Mother blessed me and I came away with the flowers She had given me. I never played the guitar after that day.

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Attack By Negative Forces

In the Ashram, there's a continuous play of two kinds of forces: on one side, the forces that help us in our one-pointed endeavour towards the realisation of the divine life in the light of Sri

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Aurobindo and the Mother's teaching, to walk on the path of Truth and to establish that Truth in our life; on the other, the tremendously hostile forces that constantly try to attack and block this upward movement towards the divine life. These asuric forces do not want the divine life to be established upon the earth, they do not want the transformation of man's nature. That is why, each time we decide to work upon an advice of the Mother, or set out to practise Sri Aurobindo's clear guidance, these asuric forces mount a ferocious attack on us, try to demolish our endeavour and our aspiration. We are forced to start anew with an equal mind. I am sure many here have experienced this repeatedly in life. Let me give you an instance. The Mother had asked me on several occasions not to speak too much, just what was indispensable, and not to talk about the faults of others. How many times did I decide to stop doing this, but some forces would take advantage of my human nature and its weaknesses, and create upheaval and turmoil in the being. Huge misunderstandings have aggravated relationships here in the Ashram, where we live in this extended spiritual family of the Mother; sometimes these relationships have ended in a life-long split as well. I was confronted once with an extremely unsettling situation, because of this absence of self-control in speech. When the event had passed and I looked quietly at myself, I realised that I had interfered in something that was not my concern at all! I had never wanted to be involved in such a thing! Some hostile force had manipulated me into it! Deeply pained and profoundly filled with remorse, I wrote a letter to the Mother:

Divine Mother,
From time to time, some force attacks me and makes me do very negative things which spontaneously I would never do. O Mother, things happen at such a rapid pace that I do not even find time to call you. Before I can call you, this force has taken control of me and the unthinkable is done. My divine Mother, I do not want to fall into the clutches of this force. Mother, I want to turn towards the light, towards the truth. Mother,

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pray tell me how can I remember you before falling prey to such a force? How can I call you before getting swallowed by this force? I do not know in advance when this force is going to attack me. O Mother divine, protect me from the attacks of this dark force. If I get a line or two from you, I will consider myself blessed. My pranams to you.

Shobha

The Mother's answer:

    (Something in you not only accepts it, but even wants it - that is how it happens.
    Be completely sincere in your consecration to the Divine and it will never more happen.
    Blessings

The Mother)

After these words from the Mother, I began calling the Mother inwardly in a concentrated manner so as to develop sincerity. I began calling out to Her to grant me strength.

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Progressively, the feeling grew in me that this hostile force was not making me weak. I emerged from that earlier condition of vulnerability.

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Am I mad?

On Sunday mornings I went up to the Mother for pranam. I was waiting for my turn on the staircase holding my offering of flowers. For some reason I was not feeling quite fine inwardly. I was burning with anger and pain. I was going through a period of massive despair. It was now my turn to go to Her. Immediately on entering I offered Her the flowers. She looked at each flower one by one. Then, She selected some from these to give back to me. She was seated at that time. I had placed my hand on Her lap to offer the flowers. The Mother began placing the flowers one by one into my hand still on Her lap. At the soft gentle touch of Her hand, the suppressed pain in my chest came out and my eyes welled up with tears. The Mother saw me crying but She said nothing. It was I who spoke:

    I - Mother, am I somewhat abnormal?

    Mother - (looking surprised at me) No, not at all.

    I - Mother, some people think I am quite mad, I am mad. I feel hurt hearing this.

Mother - (forcefully) But why do you allow yourself to be hurt? That is your weakness. Let people talk, that is their nature. Most of the time they speak nonsense, in any case. Either they spend their time criticizing others or seeing the negative side of things.

I was crying profusely even as the Mother was telling me this.

I - Mother, such talk makes a normal person abnormal.

Mother - Yes, this is very regrettable. While indulging in this negative talk, they cast upon the other person such a nasty vibration that it is most pernicious. (The Mother notices that my crying has not stopped) Listen, next time when these people tell you that you are abnormal, tell them, "Yes, I am abnormal because I am not a hypocrite. I am abnormal because I want

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to be honest, truthful and sincere. Yes, I am abnormal because I do not strut about with your superficial polish the way you strut about. Yes, I am abnormal, so what? The Mother loves me and I do not care about anyone else!"

Hearing the Mother say all this to me was an unimagined privilege. She took both my hands into Hers and then looked into my eyes intently for a long time. She removed all pain, all sorrow from me. My crying completely stopped. I recovered such peace and tranquillity sitting in Her presence! Such peace and tranquillity, I cannot tell you!

Then, the Mother spoke to me a little more. These were not merely words but magical mantras of the Mother.

Mother - Don't be troubled by human opinions. Keep your attention focused on the Divine, my dear child. The day men will stop talking ill of others, the day men will stop harbouring a wrong attitude towards one another, half the ills of the earth will disappear.

These words from the Mother brought to me not merely consolation, peace and self-confidence, they were a profound lesson of life for me. If ever by mistake I fall into this trap of speaking ill of someone, very soon the words of the Mother or rather Her divine beacon of light makes me conscious and alert about not repeating this mistake again.

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Singing Class In Auroville

One morning, Kireet-bhai turned up at the Red House and told me, "Shabha-di, Auroville has asked for a singing teacher for their school. The Mother has chosen you. You have to spend a Whole morning there, taking singing classes. They will drop you at the Dining-room by 12.30. They will also make arrangements for your transport to Auroville. The Mother wants to know if you have any morning that is entirely free. "No, I don't have a full free morning but that can always be arranged," I replied. "Which day?" Kireet-bhai enquired. "Saturday," I answered.

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Thus, every Saturday, at 8.30 a car would come from Auroville to pick me up and by 12.30 they would drop me at the Dining-room. I began my singing classes in Auroville and enjoyed spending that time there. In the Auroville atmosphere, on Auroville soil, there is such an inexpressible presence that I cannot describe in words.

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A Letter

Divine Mother,
    Some students have asked me on several occasions about doing a drama with them at the Theater. I thought that next year when they are in my class I could start at the very beginning of the session (1966) working regularly on the drama, fix a day with Vishwanath-da and Pranab-da and inform you accordingly. Now, I pray to have Your consent for taking up this work at the start of next year. If you agree, I could begin the work.
    Accept my New Year pranam,
    Dedicated to You,

Shobha

The Mother's answer:

English translation:
(It is fine, my blessings are with you for the progress that you want to make.)

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Bengali Dramatic Section

Here is another letter I wrote to the Mother:

9.1.1967

Divine Mother,
In order to familiarize students with Bengali literature and deepen their knowledge of it, we wish to create a Dramatic section. This section would present to the lovers of Bengali literature the poetic works and stories of Bengali writers and poets. Sri Nolinikanto Gupta, Sri Nolinikanto Sarkar, Kavi Nishikanto, Sri Nirodbaran and Sri Kanupriyo have agreed to make the selections for us from the stories and poetry. I propose to give the responsibility of this 'Dramatic section' to Ishta Prasad Ghosh who has some experience of Bengali drama.

Informal programmes will take place in the Hall of Harmony once a month by the students of the Higher Course ('Knowledge' section) and teachers of Bengali. They will present a story, either as an extract or in its entirety. Once a year, we will present a full-fledged play, selected for its educational quality, for the Ashramites. This will be put up under Sri Ishta Prasad's direction.

    Our first year's annual programme will be on the dramatized version of Sri Aurobindo's story The Phantom Hour. Amita and I will assist Shri Ishta Prasad in his theater-work and in running the 'Dramatic section'.

    We pray for your consent if you consider this work to be of help in deepening our understanding of literature.
    With pranam.
    Your dedicated child,

Shobha

The Mother's answer:
All right. Blessings.

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Some Thoughts On Organising Programmes

What should be done before starting any programme? Here are some guidelines from the Mother:

Mother - Henceforth, before starting a programme, ask all the participants to first reflect on the following points and then join the programme. Tell them that the Mother has asked them to reflect on these points.

1. Do you like the theme of the programme?

2. Will you be able to dedicate enough time to this programme after you have finished doing your regular activities, like school-work, Sports and department work?

    3. Ask the director of the programme, how much time you might need to give everyday? Will you be able to give that time without sacrificing your regular activities?

    4. Only after having thought seriously about the points I have mentioned, should you give your final decision to the director of the programme. And once you have given your word, do not come up with excuses of other work to miss practice sessions.

    5. Think ten times before committing yourself. And once you have committed yourself, do not go back on it, unless it be for something very serious or for physical reasons.

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Puja-Celebrations By JIPMER Doctors

The Mother had instructed me clearly to always accede to any request for help that came from JIPMER (Jawaharlal Institute of Postgraduate Medical Education and Research). This incident happened while the Mother was still in Her body. In those days, JIPMER had a lot of Bengali doctors on its staff. A few of them were very close to Motakaka. One day, he told me that the JIPMER doctors wished to organise Saraswati Puja. On that occasion, they wanted to organise a programme of music at night. He asked me if I would be willing to organise this with the help of Ashram artists and

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go and present it in the evening at the venue of the Saraswati Puja-celebrations. This proposal had come to me from Motakaka quite some time before the actual Puja. I told him that I would first inform the Mother. My collaboration would depend on Her.

Accordingly then, I informed the Mother. The Mother obviously gave Her consent and that was the time when She told me that I was to always provide assistance to the JIPMER doctors, whenever they asked for it. After informing Motakaka, I began working on the programme. That year, their Puja-celebrations took place on the ground-floor of the dentist Dr Coroth's house which was very close to the Playground. I had conceived the programme to be an hour-long and it was composed of Bengali songs. This was my first contact with doctors from JIPMER On the day of the programme, I was introduced to the doctors and their wives. That day, by the time the programme got over and we had had dinner with them, it got quite late. At that late hour, we could not get any transport to bring back our musical instruments, etc. So some of the singers and a couple of doctors helped me to transport these instruments home. The two doctors told me then that the following year too, they would organise Saraswati Puja and requested me to prepare a similar programme for the occasion.

The following year, they asked the Mother through Motakaka if they could organise this celebration at the Ashram Theater. The Mother gave Her permission. Now this time, my work and participation became far greater. The doctors decided that they would organise also a Bengali play. The doctors took part in the Bengali play and I organised the musical part of the evening's fixture. The Mother had given the doctors Her permission to utilise our stage for the rehearsals too. On the first day, I went to the Theater to show them all the facilities for using the stage in our Theater. After that, they started going on their own to conduct the rehearsals. I did not have to be present then. As the final day approached, the dress- rehearsal for both the play and our music programme took place in a happy, harmonious way with the help of our Ashram

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technicians. As far as I remember, this Saraswati Puja by the JIPMER doctors took place at the Ashram Theater for two years. And as per the Mother's wishes, I gave them all the help I was capable of, even conducting singing classes for the doctors' children for a number of years.

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All India Radio (Pondicherry)

I cannot avoid writing about All India Radio without mentioning their inaugural day event. AIR Pondicherry was launched on 23^rd September 1967 at 6.30 in the evening. It was in the presence of the lieutenant governor of Pondicherry, the first director of AIR and other invitees that the programme began. The inaugural function took place on the first floor of the governor's residence in a beautifully furnished big hall. We entered through the imposing gates, over a paved front-yard and white marble steps leading up to the ceremonial hall with impressive chandeliers suspended from the high ceiling. This was the first time we had been invited to such a programme and so naturally we were quite impressed. The programme began with a recorded piece of the Mother's organ music which at once created an otherworldly feel. Then, the Mother's recorded message given for this special occasion, was played: "O India, land of light and spiritual knowledge! Wake up to your true mission in the world, show the way to union and harmony." After this, we, six participants, began our vedic chants: three mantras from the Rigveda set to music under the Mother's instruction. After this a well-known Carnatic musician sang a short composition of Saint Tyagaraja. The programme ended with a speech by the first director of AIR, Mr Dharmagyani, in English. The entire programme was recorded by AIR and broadcast from the Pondicherry station. I remember Mr Dharmagyani's speech. One part of it had touched me very much, when he mentioned that the fountain of spiritual knowledge and education was the Ashram, that is why AIR Pondicherry would always seek assistance from the

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Ashram and strive always for the Mother's blessings. When I went to see the Mother after this inaugural programme, I told her about the AIR station director's speech. That was when She told me, "Whenever JIPMER or AIR ask for any help, always collaborate."

    AIR Pondicherry was originally situated next to the old lighthouse where the present Promenade hotel stands. It was enclosed within a white iron railing and had AIR, Pondicherry written on top of the entrance. There was a reception area at the entrance and then the recording section. Over the first door of entry was inscribed the Mother's message. Each time I would go to AIR, my eyes inevitably fell on the Mother's words. I don't know if this message has been preserved at the new premises of the radio station in Indiranagar near JIPMER.

    AIR wished for two kinds of programmes from the Ashram: first, talks on a variety of topics. They would send a letter to the school in this regard. Whenever a student was ready to take up the request, the Registrar would designate him. If the talk was on the Mother's and Sri Aurobindo's life and on their yoga and sadhana, AIR would contact the concerned sadhak directly: Nolinikanto Gupta, Madhav Pandit, Arabinda Basu, Nirodbaran, Manoj Das, Kireet Joshi among others. The second kind of programme they requested from us was music-based. For this their letter came to me, stating in detail the theme, the date and time of the broadcast, the duration of the programme, the date and time of recording and the honorarium offered for this work. I would always take the Mother's permission before starting the recording and worked either with students or with Ashram artistes. Let me give you an example of one such programme:

    Theme: Rabindra-sangeet; Voices: Manoj Dasgupta, Arup Tagore, Malay Bhattacharya, Smriti Ghosh, Sujata Mahatma, Shobha Mitra. Accompaniment: Romen Palit - sitar, Debi- prasad - sarod, Tublu - flute, Ramesh Rawal - tabla. Date and time of broadcast - 8.5.1970 at 8.00 pm. Honorarium - 40 rupees.

While the Mother was in Her body, all the money we re-

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ceived from doing these programmes on AIR, I handed over to Her. She would write "Blessings" on accepting our offering.

After the Mother left Her body, I did only a few more programmes for AIR. Sometime in the 1980's the AIR shifted to its newly constructed premises in Indiranagar, near JIPMER. Probably in the later part of I970s I received a letter from them. They wanted to nominate me on their 3-member audition board. I replied to them that as I had no knowledge of Carnatic music, it would be improper for me to be on the board. In spite of this, they kept insisting on nominating me. In the end, fully respectful of the Mother's wishes, I accepted their request and remained on their audition board for a few years.

For the centenary celebrations of Sri Aurobindo in 1972, on Anjani Dayanand's request, a long-playing record titled "Loving Homage" was brought out by Sri Aurobindo Society_containing two of my compositions: Sri Aurobindo's Durga-stotra and Invocation to Mother India. We were faced with a problem after we were ready with these two compositions: where were we to record them? There was no recording studio then either in the Ashram or in the town. The only solution was to go to Madras for the recording. But then, how would it be possible to take such a large number of participants? The Mother was informed but She did not respond. In the meantime the month of August was approaching. There was a lot of work still pending. I had got to know the chief technician of AIR and his wife very well, as well as the entire team of workers in the recording section. And my house being very close to the AIR station, I would meet them quite often and occasionally they too dropped in at the Red House. One evening, the chief technician and his wife came home to meet me (I just cannot recollect their names now!). We had a very fine rapport but their coming that evening was totally unexpected. We were chatting all together in the verandah when I mentioned our problem of recording for the LP record. I also told them that there being no studio in Pondicherry, it would be impossible to do the recording in the town. Also, as our group was rather large, we

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couldn't afford to go to Madras. Both of them were disciples of the Mother and attended almost all the programmes of the Ashram. All of a sudden, he enquired if the Mother had been informed about the problem. I told him that I had written to Her but She had not replied. The gentleman became serious. He sat for a few seconds in silence and then said, "All right, fine, Shobha-di, we will take our leave now. Let me see if I can do anything to help you." And saying this, they left. I did not pay much importance to our conversation as I felt this to be customary civility and nothing more. It was now time for our rehearsal, I began the rehearsal quietly after praying to the Mother.

Two days passed. This chief technician of AIR turned up at home to talk to me. He said at once, "Shobha-di, there's been a miracle! AIR normally never allows any external recording to be done in its studios, but they have agreed to do so for you! That day after listening to you about your recording-problem, I spoke to our director and requested him to allow the Ashram to record some compositions for bringing out a long-playing record on the occasion of Sri Aurobindo's birth centenary. The station director agreed instantly! He has given me the charge of the entire recording! The director stated that Whatever AIR could do to help the Ashram should be done. Shobha-di, the AIR recording is standard recording. You needn't worry about anything." I was flabbergasted.

A day was fixed. After AIR had finished all their regular work, our large group of participants would arrive at the station studio at night. The entire recording would be done that night. The Mother was informed about the precious help rendered by the director and chief technician of AIR. She was pleased and sent both of them Her blessings. And so, thanks to the sincere efforts and goodwill of a disciple of the Mother (the chief technician), Loving Homage was recorded at the AIR studio after working hours. That night. we returned home only at 1.30 after completing the work.

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Seminar Of World Union

Madhav Pandit once asked me to prepare a programme on the occasion of a seminar of the World Union. On the day of the programme, at around half past two, dark menacing clouds filled the sky and a huge downpour started. The rain continued ceaselessly. In those conditions, it was impossible to go to the Theater for the programme. Madhav Pandit came home in the evening by car and said, "Shobha, in these conditions, it is impossible to do the programme, we will have to cancel it." "The Mother has been informed and the programme cannot be cancelled. We shall do the programme," I replied. "But, Who will come?" he asked. "We shall do it for the Mother," I said. Madhav did not say anything after this. He turned around to leave but then stopped midway, "Think again, Shobha. Isn't it a good idea to cancel the programme for today?" "No, the programme shall take place." I replied. After this, Madhav remained silent and left.

Around 6 in the evening the rain started abating. The programme was to begin at 8. The sky was filled with stars then! Not the slightest trace of rain was left! The programme took place as scheduled. The spectators felt the Mother's un-mistakable presence at the Theater. They all came and told me, "We felt that the Mother was really present during the programme." I heard everything in silence and with an equal heart. After the programme, Madhav came and congratulated me and added, "Shobha, you are truly a worthy child of the Mother." I received this compliment too without reacting. Whenever people praise me for my programme, I don't let it touch me personally, for I know that whatever happens is entirely due to the Mother's Grace. It is all Her doing and I have nothing to do with it.

This happened the following day. It was my habit to go and see Nolini-da on the day following my programmes. And each time he would give me his reaction. If he had any suggestion to give me, he would do so frankly. For me his suggestions and reactions were most valuable. So this time too, I turned up in

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his room to get his feedback. Hardly had I entered his room that he exclaimed, "Shobha, your programme yesterday was good. The Mother was very pleased. A deep depression was descending upon the earth. Seeing that, your inner being went straight up to the Mother and said forcefully, 'I shall not let this get into me.' The Mother was greatly pleased with this." Then, Nolini-da remained silent for a while. After some time, he resumed, "Madhav had come to me yesterday. He told me, 'Shobha is determined on doing the programme. Kindly in' form the Mother about it once." I asked Nolini-da, "Did you tell the Mother about this?" "Yes," Nolini-da answered, "I went up to inform the Mother. That is when She spoke to me about this cloud of depression." Then, raising his head, as if in pride, Nolini-da said, "Then Mother asked me, 'Will you go to the Theater, Nolini?' 'Yes, Mother, I Will.' Then the Mother replied, 'Yes, I too shall be there.' "

My eyes welled up with tears of gratitude. I told Nolini-da, "Nolini-da, many people told me yesterday that they had actually felt the Mother's presence during the programme." "Evidently, for the Mother was indeed there!" Nolini-da said in reply. I could not hold myself back any longer. I ran to Nolini-da and placed my head on his lap like a little child. He was seated in his chair in the front room. I bent down to touch his feet, and my tears just kept flowing uncontrollably. This was not ordinary weeping, this was an expression of deeply felt gratitude. Like a father caressing his child, Nolini-da stroked my head affectionately and said, "Shobha, you will become even more worthy, even more worthy, Shobha."

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My Friend

K was a very dear friend of mine. We shared common interests, resonated with the same enthusiasm to the same things. We were both lovers of art. Dance, theater, music, painting, We were fond of all these arts. Both of us used to dance and draw together. My friend played the guitar while I played the organ.

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Immediately after our Group activities and the groundnut distribution by the Mother, we would rush back home and get ready as quickly as we could to run to the Library with our pencils and notebooks and the guitar and prepare little programmes. I used to really enjoy doing this. One day, in the excitement, I told the Mother how my friend K and I would prepare little programmes around music and dance on a variety of themes. The Mother had encouraged us, saying, "Good, keep it up!"

Then all of a sudden something changed between us. K was soon more attracted to M. Their friendship began to grow. We grew apart. She would spend most of her time with M now. Both were in the same class. M was a very intelligent girl, good both in studies and in sports. Probably that is why my friend K was more attracted to her and distanced herself from me. We practically stopped talking to each other. People were so used to seeing us together all the time that they now began to ask me all sorts of questions. I was very young, then, and I gave this affair undue importance. One day, unable to control myself I blurted out to the Mother, "Douce Mere, K is my friend but she has been behaving very, very strangely with me. She doesn't even talk to me. We do not pursue any artistic activity together any longer. We do not meet harmoniously any more. This has caused me a lot of hurt. I find it very hard to stay without her, without her friendship." Hearing me, the Mother laughed out a little, looked at me for some time, and then said, "You will have to free yourself from this attachment. All attachment is harmful in the sadhana." After selecting the flowers to give me, She held my hands from below with Hers, so soft and flower like, and concentrated on my eyes in silence for some time. Then still holding my hands ever so gently, She said with exceeding tenderness, "All true feelings are preserved by the Divine. They are never lost. Remember this."

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New Birthday Dress

This was a long time ago. I mentioned earlier that on my birth day, I used to offer the Mother something I had made myself. Let me tell you about one such birthday. That year, I had made a salwar-kameez for Her. I packed it in a beautiful box, selected some flowers and went up to see the Mother. I was wearing a thick cotton Saree with a fine blue border given to me from Prosperity and a white blouse. I waited my turn to go into the Mother's room. When my name was called I got in. The Mother looked closely at the salwar-kameez and liked it very much. "I will wear it this evening," She told me lovingly. After selecting flowers and two books by Sri Aurobindo to give me, She asked me, "Haven't you got a new birthday dress?" I said, "Yes, I have, Mother, but I wanted to wear something given by you." The Mother said, "Why, that new dress was not given by me?" As soon as the Mother said this, something resonated within me. As if a closed door had suddenly opened, and a new light shone on my mind and consciousness. This was the Mother's light, the divine Light. Instantly, I realised that whatever you get in life, the beautiful and the auspicious, everything is a gift from the Divine. This realisation was my greatest gift, my richest treasure of that day.

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Different Schools Of Music

(A letter written to the Mother)

Mother Divine,
We would like to study the different schools of music in the Indian classical tradition. In the absence of qualified teachers of music here, we are forced to do this through the recordings of great instrumentalists and singers of the country. We shall, therefore, try and pursue this with the help of available books and records. We will organise fortnightly programmes in the Playground in the following manner:

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We will choose one particular school of music for each programme. Some relevant texts describing this school will be read out. Then, one of our teachers will illustrate it either through vocal or through instrumental music, to the best of their ability. What is beyond our means, we will leave out. We will focus on things that are within our reach and play records of well-known artistes as examples. Divine Mother, we would like to try this out to see if it benefits us in some way. When you asked me to start the Music section, you specifically told me to make students listen to good music. These programmes will help us to listen to some of the best vocalists and instrumentalists of the country.

I pray for Your blessings and permission. Make me a worthy instrument for Your work. Transform my nature and take me on the path of Truth.

My pranam at Your feet.
Your child,

Shobha

The Mother's reply:
Yes, it's all right.
Blessings.

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Total Concentration

One day, the Mother was giving an interview to someone in the Playground. I noticed that Pavitra-da was standing beside the interview-room with another gentleman, waiting for the Mother. She ended her interview rather quickly that day, and as She was about to come out of the room, She saw Pavitra-da standing there waiting for Her, and went back in to speak with them. I had wanted to ask the Mother a question too, as I was reading Dhammapada, a book the Mother had given me recently and in which I was quite immersed. After a few minutes, the Mother came out with Pavitra-da and that gentleman. I was standing on the Mother's path. As soon as She came close to me, I said, "Mother, I have a question for you." "Yes, tell

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me," the Mother replied. "How can one quieten the mind?" I asked.

Mother - Before you can quieten the mind, you should know how to bring about total concentration. Do you know how to bring about total concentration?

I - No, Mother.

Mother - (The Mother remained in thought for a while.) Tell me, do you love flowers?

    I - Yes, I do, Mother, quite a lot actually.

    Mother - Good. Take a rose and put it in an ordinary bottle on a table. Just make sure that the rose is at your eye-level. Now sit quietly and fix your attention on the rose. Each time your attention wavers from the rose, try and bring it back to the rose in total concentration. How old are you now?

    I - I am 18, Mother.

Mother - Do not let anything other than the rose occupy your attention. Practise this for five minutes daily. After regular and constant practice, you will notice that you are able to develop total concentration and this total concentration fills your being with silence. The next step will be: try and visualize an image in your heart, Sri Aurobindo, for instance. First, try and visualize the luminous Purusha in your heart-center. Put your entire concentration on this luminous Purusha. Then, slowly feel that everything else is dissolving, your body, your external being, everything is disappearing. Only the luminous body of Sri Aurobindo is there. In the beginning, thoughts will come and go. But you have to hold on to Sri Aurobindo's luminous image. Then, slowly, you will see silence descending, total concentration getting established.

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Sri Aurobindo's Centenary

The individual darshan I used to have of the Mother did not take place during Sri Aurobindo's centenary year. However, on two occasions, I came to know from Nolini-da and Navajata-

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ji that the Mother had remembered me. The Pondicherry government celebrated Sri Aurobindo's centenary. Shri B.D. Jatti, a disciple of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, was the lieutenant governor of Pondicherry then. He had informed the Mother that the Pondicherry government was keen on celebrating Sri Aurobindo's centenary. During this time, Nolini-da and Kireet-bhai used to communicate to us the Mother's words and instructions for whatever work in question, since we could not go to see Her individually. One day Nolini-da sent for me. I came to know that the Pondicherry government had- requested the Ashram to organise a programme for its celebration of Sri Aurobindo's centenary, and especially requested the Mother for Her consent. The Mother had asked Nolini-da to hand over this responsibility to me. And so, I prepared a programme entitled Sri Aurobindo and the Mother on India and Her Future which was conceived to evoke and invoke the soul of India. The core of the programme was composed of extraordinary lines from Sri Aurobindo and the Mother touching upon India's past, present and Her future. Interspersed with these lines were patriotic songs in Bengali and Hindi by Rabindranath, Dwijendralal and Dilipkumar Roy, poems by Ashram poets set to music and hymns from the Vedas, the Upanishads and the Bhagavadgita. The Mother had already seen this programme that was performed a long time ago in the Playground and had liked it very much. Besides, as this programme was to be put up on 15^th August, we informed the Mother. She was happy with the idea. Manoj, Richard and Jhumur read the lines from Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Sahana-di recited the Bengali poems from Rabindranath. The programme was put up on the beach, in the Gandhi Square, under a large pandal that was especially erected for the occasion. The lieutenant governor Shri B.D. Jatti and other dignitaries expressed their appreciation of the programme. The Pondicherry government had offered 1100 rupees for this programme. I handed over this money to Nolini-da to offer to the Mother. The Mother returned one portion of this money to me.

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In honour of Sri Aurobindo's centenary, numerous programmes were held throughout India. Several directors of radio stations, film directors, organizers of different schools and colleges, music and dance directors came to Pondicherry to look at the Ashram as it had grown under the Mother's guidance. Meetings took place at the governor's residence over two-three days. Udar-da and perhaps Kireet-bhai, if I remember rightly, participated in them as the Mother's emissaries. The Mother had told Udar-da to take me with him to the meetings. I did attend the meetings but I am not so sure today if Kireet-bhai also came with us. I met a lot of well-known people from India in these meetings. I requested the different directors of radio stations to play Sunil-da's music in the course of that year from their centres. On the second day, I made them and others present there, hear his music. I tried to impress upon them that such music had not been composed anywhere in India or even in the rest of the world. It was a most unique piece of musical inspiration. They heard and appreciated the music but complained that its recording quality was not adequate for a radio broadcast. I then realised that in order to truly understand and appreciate Sunil-da's music, the instrument has to be prepared. When I met the Mother, I shared my experience with Her and said that all the people who had come for these official meetings would be able to do only that which their individual consciousness and personal interest would allow them to do. Even though they could not quite comprehend the significance of Sunil-da's music, the various radio stations all over India had broadcast talks on Sri Aurobindo, devotional songs, and very many dance-dramas were also organised everywhere. We too had organised several programmes at the Ashram inspired from Sri Aurobindo. Towards the Future was a programme in English that I had taken charge of. This took place on 16^th August at the Playground. The theme of this presentation was the trail-blazing mantras from Sri Aurobindo and the Mother on the dawning of the new world, of the new consciousness that was progressively being felt everywhere on the planet.

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I had incorporated Sanskrit hymns from the Vedas and the Upanishads to the musical accompaniment of the beautiful deep-toned chords of the organ given to me by the Mother and the moving strains of a violin, all of which had created an uplifting atmosphere in the Playground. A huge crowd of Visitors and ashramites, disciples of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo had gathered to enjoy that very special air that the programme had succeeded in creating.

The following day, Navajata-ji arrived accompanied by a gentleman in Red House. Navajata-ji introduced him to me as Mr Angadi who was from Karnataka but based in London. He was the editor of a journal called Asian Music. Handing me a copy of this journal, they sat down. I flipped through the journal and noticed that there were photos of very reputed musicians. Mr Angadi said, "Miss Shobha, I have come to you with a proposal. My work is to bring celebrated musicians from the West to India and organise their concerts in the metros here and take good musicians from India and organise their concerts in Europe, America, Japan, China, etc. After seeing your programme last night, I was greatly impressed. I have listened to the best of musicians from both the East and the West but I had never felt before the kind of spiritual atmosphere your programme created last night. It was absolutely unique. That's why I would like to show to the world the kind of work that is being carried out in the Ashram. I would like to spread the Vision of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother throughout the world, which you did so beautifully in your programme. I would like to take you and your twelve participants on a world tour. We shall begin with the metros in India, then go to Europe, America, Japan, China, etc. It will be a 26-day tour after which you will all be brought back to the Ashram. The financial responsibility for this tour will be entirely mine. Your work will be simply to present Towards the Future wherever we go. That is my humble request to you." After listening to the gentleman, I requested him to write about his project to the Mother in detail. We would do whatever the Mother decided. Navajata-

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ji could take the letter as he met the Mother daily. Both agreed with my suggestion and decided to send a letter to the Mother the following day.

After they left Red House I became somewhat nervous. My mind was burdened with all sorts of thoughts and ideas. What would happen if the Mother did agree to his proposal? It is so difficult to imagine staying out of the Ashram for a single day, how would I stay out for 26? Moreover, I had never been on a plane either! How would I take flights between all these countries? I was wracked by such unsettling thoughts. Until the Mother replied, my mind was all restless and jittery, and a real battle was going on inside. Besides, the entire group of participants had turned up at Red House on hearing this news. Everyone was so excited! When they cam to know that the decision would be entirely left to the Mother, some of them were slightly crestfallen. One of my students blurted out, "Why did you have to inform the Mother, Shobha-di? We could have simply gone. Now if the Mother says 'no', it's all over!" Everyone burst out laughing listening to her childish reaction. However, we spent a lovely evening that day all together.

The following day, Navajata-ji arrived with Mr Angadi. Handing me a letter, he sat down quietly in a chair. I was terribly nervous once again. I quickly opened the Mother's letter.
She had written:

I do not want my boys and girls to go out to do programmes.

Naturally Mr Angadi was disheartened but he accepted the Mother's decision silently. Nolini-da sent for me the next morning. Hardly had I entered his room that he exclaimed, "Come, come Shobha. The Mother has asked me to tell you that people will know your worth only here. She doesn't want you to go out to do programmes." After hearing this, I told Nolini-da that if the Mother asks me not to go around the world because She considers me Her child, then that is my greatest reward. That is my supreme wealth. What can be greater than that? Nolini-da offered me some flowers and

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said, "Here, take these blessings from the Mother."

After this incident, quite a few other requests have come to me to go out to do programmes but I have always declined the gracious offers without the slightest hesitation.

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Sterling Gold

This incident took place a long time ago. I had wrapped it away very carefully within the treasure—chest of my memories. This is not just an utterance of the Mother, it is Her mantra!

I — Mother, can I ask you a question?

Mother — Yes, go ahead.

I — Mother, you will not get angry with me?

Mother — No, go ahead.

I — Mother, many people here act wrongly in so many ways, behave incorrectly. And this wrong behaviour goes on and on. I do not know if You tell them anything. But you surely know about it! When I act wrongly, I have to bear its dreadful consequences, as if I have done something hugely unjust. Why do I feel this way, Mother?

The Mother gazed at me in a very meaningfully pensive way. Then, She uttered these extraordinary words, this soul- stirring mantra!

Mother — I have created a little world here. In this world there is everything, good, bad, everything that you can ﬁnd in the world outside. To those who have taken up this life of sadhana, these daily happenings are like a touchstone. Each one deals with these happenings in accordance with his capacity of sincerity or insincerity. The ones who keeping their sincerity totally, completely intact come out successful through this test, are those who turn into sterling gold.

Taking my hands with exceeding tenderness into Hers and gazing at me intently, She spoke again:

Mother — Shobha, my dear child, the Divine values your sincerity. That is why he sends into your life events in such a way that you are forced to be sincere. In every ﬁeld of life,

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every activity, try to remember me. If you cannot remember me, then call me. Keep calling me and everything will fall into place.

The Mother placed Her hand on my head and closed Her eyes for a while. Then opening them again, She said gently, “Aurevoir, then!”

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To round off...

Sri Aurobindo and the Mother have left us the assurance of the new Supramental consciousness. To receive it, one needs to develop a surrender that is complete through one-pointed sadhana. This Ashram was created for the realisation of this Truth, for its manifestation. I did not come here from my early childhood, no doubt, but I have grown up in this environment and aspiration. In their prolific writings, both Sri Aurobindo and the Mother have given us very clear guidelines to become conscious participants in this adventure of the new Consciousness, how to transform our old human nature in order to manifest the new. This has been the primary focus of the Mother's workings in us. And the work IS continuing: the transformation of our human nature, the expression of this new way of being in our day-to-day activities at every moment, this new way of looking at things, this new creativity, all channelized towards the realisation of the divine life. Towards this realisation all our efforts are directed in the Ashram, in our daily lives, While studying, while playing, while working in the different departments, while singing, dancing, drawing, acting, or while being involved in any activity. This new call to transform the old, conventional ways of thinking, old habits and customs, this ever-present endeavour at change is our inheritance from the Mother and a reflection of Her continuing workings in our lives. This aspiration, this enthusiasm to receive the new Consciousness has been so deeply embedded and established by the Mother's divine force in our lives that this has become our sole preoccupation. However much the

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old nature and old tendencies in us might seek to entangle us, however numberless the attacks and blows that befall us, we will simply not return to the past, will not pay the slightest heed to its invitations. The seed of the new Life and Consciousness that the Mother and Sri Aurobindo have planted in our lives will remain irreversibly in our inmost being forever. It just awaits realisation by the transformation of our nature. And this is made possible only by Their Grace, by Their help. Sri Aurobindo is for us the invoker of the Supermind, the full flowering of the new Consciousness. I have had the privilege of this Maharishi's darshan, the privilege of bowing down to Him. However, it is the Mother we have really known. She has been our support, She has been the object of our adoration, She has been the be-all and end-all of our lives. From the age of 9, She has accepted me into Her arms, helped me to lift my nature with Her constant support and taken responsibility for my transformation. Gently, progressively, step by step, in consonance with the capacity of my nature, She has led me by the hand along the path of the new Consciousness and new Life that She Herself has opened before us. This day I call out to Her, from my inmost being, in all consciousness: "O Divine Mother, come and take your seat at the altar of my heart. Lead me by Your hand on that sunlit path we can dream of only because You have put us on it. Hard as that path might be and in spite of the innumerable lives it might take to come out victorious in this adventure, I pray to you simply to lead me on, until I reach the final destination."

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Gratitude Without End

In life's open court, Your royal Seat
    Have I prepared? I do not know!
    Have I prepared my heart for Your feet,
    To usher in? I do not know!
    By day, by night, asleep or awake,
    Is Your image mirrored in Memory's lake?

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    In times of cheer, in dark heart-break
    Do I go on, for just Your memory's sake?

    And yet, I know, O Mother divine,
    Not getting that for which I pine,
    Your Presence holds me, You are mine,
    By day, by night, you're Mother mine!

    In every stroke of life that's hard,
    Your Blessings me forever guard!
    A grateful heart to Your door I bring,
    Pray receive this simple offering!

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My Pranam

My whole being bows down in a profound, inner surrender at the feet of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. O Supreme Mother Divine, in the midst of these millions and millions of humans, I am but a spark. At this most auspicious moment in the history of the Earth, if I have been able to touch Your feet and receive Your blessings, it is because my Lord Sri Aurobindo and You, O Divine Mother Mira, sublimely radiant Twin divinities, have manifested down here. I am, thus, forever blessed. I pray humbly that I be able to keep myself forever open to the shower of Your divine Grace.

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