I Remember

and she worked up to the end. After she had been seriously unwell since the 20th of May, when Dr. Bisht came for the first time to examine her, she said that she was undergoing a process of transformation, something was happening to her, she didn't know what it was, she didn't know what to do and she asked Dr. Bisht if he could help her in any way. Naturally, Dr. Bisht, a scientific man, could not see the inner things, and he said, "Mother, to see and tell you what is happening, I must make a big .progress; only then can I give my answer to you." Mother 'immediately said, "Make a-big progress!" So from that we can understand how eager she was to continue her work of physical transformation.

The next question comes: "Have you seen on her body any sign of physical transformation?"

Well, this is an inner process and with our human eyes it is not possible to see anything outwardly. Perhaps, a man with an extraordinarily high spiritual capacity could have; but for myself, I did not see anything. During all this time, I appreciated how she was trying, and that invincible will of hers I appreciated so much that I thought that unless one was doing one's work effectively according to one's plan, one could not have this kind of will, this determination and strength.

Then I am asked: "What did you feel when Mother left her body?"

Actually, I was holding her when she left her body. It looked to me as if a candle was slowly extinguishing. She was very peaceful, extremely peaceful, and when Dr. Sanyal declared that she had left her body, truly speaking I did not feel any want. Since that time I have felt that my heart is never empty and I feel no want. Another thing, what relieved me much, was that, having seen her suffer so much, when the end came, to tell you the truth, I was quite relieved and thought that at least the suffering had stopped. Her suffering had to be seen to be believed.

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Those who were there have seen how she suffered. When that ended, at least for myself I felt that at last she was delivered of this agony. And really, I, like many others, don't feel that she had gone physically. After seeing the message signed by Nolini-da, all of us know that she promised to him that if ever she left her body she would not withdraw her consciousness. This thing which came now, I think she had prepared me sufficiently for it quite a long time back. Long before, say, in the year 1948, when Sri Aurobindo was still living, she told me, "I am not willing to go, I will not go, and this time there will be no tragedy; but if it so happens that I leave my body, then put my body under the Service Tree." At that time there was a kind of brick platform on which there were some ferns. She asked us to lay her body there. And when Sri Aurobindo passed away, she ordered Udar to make two chambers in the Samadhi vault, one upon the other. Then several times she said how she was working, how she met resistance and how sometimes she found the work difficult; and lately, say, after 15th August 1972, I felt that perhaps what has happened was going to happen. I could not tell anybody and everybody, but to my close associates I said what I was feeling. Afterwards, I felt strongly that it was going to happen, I was counteracting this idea, saying that it should not happen. But behind everything the idea was there. So I was fully prepared from almost the beginning and, as I told you, I did not feel any want inside me when she left her body, so I did not feel any difference.

Then I have been asked: "What do you think were the causes that made her leave her body?"

It is a very delicate question, very difficult to answer also, but I would say that the physical laws still held tight and they could not be brought under control. That was on one side. One the other side, our insincerity, our unfaithfulness, our deceptions, our treachery. With all

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these we were throwing lots of mud upon her and she had to fight on two fronts. On one side she had to fight the onset of decay and old age and on the other she was fighting against this dirt that we were constantly throwing upon her. But I hold the failing body more responsible for what happened. Often I saw that she would try to counter these forces but when she saw that she could not concentrate much, she could not talk much, she could not write much, she could not see people, she could not do as she wanted, because the body was failing, and the dirt and dust that we were throwing upon her was increasing, increasing and increasing, I felt and I have seen also some kind of despair and I think these two things were fully responsible. If she had been in good health and if she had possessed a strong body I am sure she would have fought the other side out; but if the heart went wrong, if the kidneys went wrong, if there was trouble in the teeth and gums and other parts of the body and if she was losing control over her body-functions, she couldn't do much. So these two factors come to my mind when I am asked about the causes that made her leave her body. But I still think she had not taken any decision, nobody can convince me that she had decided and therefore she left. I think this happened because it could not be otherwise. I am absolutely sure that if she had not the conviction that she would bring the Supramental Transformation in her present body, she would not have been able to do all the Great Work that she has done. This conviction has made it possible to establish this truth firmly in the earth- consciousness. For the moment perhaps what has happened is just a postponement of the work that she was doing on her own body.

Then I am asked: "Will she come back again in the same body?"

To this I say my feeling is, "No." If she were to come back, there would have been no necessity of leaving the

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body. And the body itself was worn out, all the organs worn out by age; and to come into such a body and to cure all that and to bring back health and youth, it is my feeling that is not possible.

Then I am asked: "Will she come back in a new body amongst us?"

To this I must say, "Certainly." Throughout the ages, from the beginning of creation, she has come several times, many many times, to help us progress, to help us go forward, and I think and I am sure, and all of you will agree with me when I say this, that she will come again in the future to lead us further.

Then somebody has asked me: "Before, whenever we were in trouble, we wrote to her and she helped us. Now what should we do?"

To this I must say what she used to tell us constantly. She said "I am installed in all of your hearts. Just be quiet, try to hear what I say inside you and act according to the Directions I give. But for that you must be very, very sincere and you must allow only the right type of vibrations in you." I think there can be no other solution but this.

And the last question that I am often asked is: "Do you think we shall able to go through on the path she has laid down for us?"

To this I must say: "Yes, if we have a strong aspiration, a strong will, and the maximum of sincerity. Mother and Sri Aurobindo came to us and they have shown us our goal. They have brought down the necessary powers into this world so that this goal may be reached. They have given instructions, which if followed will surely take us forward, and they have given all their support and blessings to us. So, being Mother's children, I don't see why we should not be able to go through. Truly speaking, the Truth and the Power, the Truth that they have established upon earth and the Power they have brought down for

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the implementation of that Truth, are spread throughout the length and breadth of our country and the whole world, and I am sure that wherever there will be sufficient sincerity, sufficient aspiration, this Truth will work itself out, and this Truth will be realised. But staying in the Ashram, we are in a more privileged position. We have seen them, we have heard them, we were personally guided by them and I am sure that it would be easier for us to walk on their path here in the Ashram where they have created a suitable atmosphere. I think two things are absolutely necessary. We can already feel there are people who want to see us disintegrate, they would be very happy if we were all demolished. To them we can give a fitting answer if we remain strictly on the path of Truth. This will enable us to get the maximum protection from Mother and Sri Aurobindo and there is no power on earth that can harm us in any way. The second thing that we must do is to remain strongly united, forgetting "I" and "Mine" and replacing them by "We" and "Ours".

(71)

In the month of February in 1990, I fell ill and was taken to the Nursing Home. After a few days when I felt a little better many people came to visit me.

One day Rani-di told me that she had brought a beautiful notebook from France. She requested me to write something on the first page. I said I would dictate something and she could take that down. She got ready.

I just kept on dictating whatever came into my head. When I had finished, all those who were present there liked what I had dictated and requested for a copy too. So I made copies for them.

During the last forty-nine years Mother told me a lot of things about the sadhana. The fact that I could express

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all that so briefly and so beautifully took me by surprise as well. I felt that Mother had herself spoken through me. Here is what was said:

Supramental Process of Action

Formula given by Mother

1. Remain absolutely quiet in all parts of your being.

2. Aspire and call.

3. You will get a response from above.

4. Place your problem before it and wait peacefully.

5. The direction will come from above.

6. Receive it and implement it through your mind, life and body.

7. There should be no likes and dislikes and preferences.

8. Help will come. The right man will come. The resources will come.The material will come and the right action will take place.

Note:

Absolute surrender, no personal reaction, no personal preference and absolute detachment, and have no fear whatsoever.

Observation:

Tried many times and obtained wonderful results.

(February 26, l990)

(72)

I have heard a lot of things from Mother about the body's transformation and about gaining immortality. One day I decided to try and put down in a nutshell all that Mother had told me. What follows is the result of that effort:

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Physical Transformation

Steps Towards Transformation

1. Consciousness

2. Control

3. Mastery

4. Transformation

Steps Towards Physical Immortality

1. Prolongation of youth and maintenance of the health and physical fitness of the body for a very long period - to stop or slow down the process of deterioration.

2. Ichha Mrityu - death only when wished - Example of Bhishma in the Mahabharata - He must have reached the first step also.

3. Physical Immortality.

The Process

1. The psychic Contact - this is the very first step.

2. Putting the whole being under the psychic guidance.

3. The vital and the mind must not rule over the body. They spoil it by their ideas, their impulses and their desires (their excessive demands spoil the body).

4. Cooperation from the mind and the vital (a long process). They are a great force.

5. The body has to be protected and taken care of by an application of the knowledge of health, hygiene, physical exercise, preventive and curative medicine.

6. Growth of the body consciousness - the special role of physical education leading to gradual control, mastery and transformation of the body.

7. Physical education can help a lot in developing body consciousness. The body must be kept in a perfectly balanced state - Physical Sat-Chit-Ananda.

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8. Integral progress - this is the aim of life. It helps to keep one young; both inwardly and outwardly.

9. Ananda is our prime mover. It is the rejuvenator and must saturate our whole physical being.

10. Love which is the source of Joy, is pure and desireless. It gives freely without any demand or bargain. Hatred and jealousy, which destroy the body, have no part in love.

11. Each individual has to find out his own way. It is a dangerous pursuit and there is no set method. Utmost sincerity and a clear vision are the guiding and protective factors.

(73)

People usually look upon Mother as the Universal Mother pictured as a serious Goddess. But this very same Divine Mother could also behave like a little girl full of laughter, curiosity and playfulness. Let me give you a little instance.

After our evening meal, Mother used to rest on her bed while I would spread a sheet on the carpet in the centre, take a pillow and sleep. I used to sleep in such a way that I could keep an eye on Mother all the while and assist her if she needed me for anything.

On that night too I was spreading my sheet on the carpet. Mother had still not gone to sleep. In order to spread it evenly I was on the floor on all fours. Seeing me like that Mother exclaimed like a little girl: "There! you make such a fine horse! Can I ride you now? We can play horses on your back. Won't you play with me?" And saying this Mother burst into laughter. I too could not resist laughing. I felt at that time that if I had said "yes" even once, Mother would have jumped onto my back and started playing horses in that late hour of the night.

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(74)

Let me tell you about an incident. I have heard it from a sadhika. Mother used to give darshan in the mornings from the northern balcony. One day, crows had dirtied the railing. And so Mother started cleaning the mess herself.

This sadhika who told me this story was present there at that time. At once she said to Mother: "Mother, you needn't clean up this dirt. Let me do it!"

Mother answered: "You know, I clean much filthier dirt in men!" And she continued to clean the railing.

(75)

Once an elderly sadhak protested to Mother that the work given to him was not in keeping with his dignity.

Mother recounted this to me and said that she considered all work as equal. "They are all equally necessary. I don't distribute work to sadhaks according to their dignity. Whatever work I give is what is appropriate for him or her. The work given to a sadhak is for his sadhana. So whatever the work, if it is done in the right attitude, it becomes an aid in his sadhana. In every work there is my consciousness, my Grace. If the sadhak adopts the right attitude in doing his work then through that Grace he can progress much more."

And so you should all know that whatever work is given to you is the work you are worthy of and the place you should be in. Mother has kept the Ashram environment and field of action as a free open field. Here everyone carves a place for himself according to his deeper needs. Mother never really imposes anything on anyone.

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(76)

Mother once said that the one whom she accepts and envelops in her spiritual embrace, his destiny is invisibly stamped. And when adverse forces see this stamp they understand at once that this person has been accepted by the Divine. And then they begin their terrible assaults on him in order to waylay him from the divine path or to destroy him.

But if he can have total faith in her, if he can keep her love and compassion close to his heart, then he can overcome all obstacles and difficulties. The adverse forces cannot harm him in any way.

The adverse forces attack only those who have taken to the divine path. That is why the first condition for" "taking this" path is to be full of fearlessness and courage.

(77)

I have said earlier that Mother could also be very much like a human mother. Here is a piece of writing that I found later about this. It shows how much Mother kept her chosen children within her vigilant, ever-concerned and protective gaze.

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26 July 1952 : 1 a.m.

Mon aimé, there is a very violent and dangerous attack upon you. For my sake and the sake of the work be very careful and take great care of yourself.

My love never leaves you.

- Mother

On 24th November 1958, after the Balcony darshan, I walked away along the road. Later when I met Mother she told me that she had seen me walking away on the road after the darshan. "I saw you from behind. I wrote something about it afterwards." And she showed me what' she had written:

24.11.58

This morning I saw your back when you were walking away from the balcony. It was very interesting. Your back and your steps were full of decision and resolution. I was seeing somebody going straight to his purpose filled with the strength to conquer all obstacles, the power of victory.

- Mother

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Mother with Pranab on his birthday watching a physical demonstration - 18.10.51/52

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(78)

On my birthday in 1949 when children came to wish me Happy Birthday, they had been given something by Mother to read before me. Later she gave me a copy of it too.

18.10.49

Happy Birthday to Pranab!

Our big brother, our good friend. We wish on this day of happiness that you lead us by the surest and fastest path towards the integral Transformation.

(79)

Mother used to frequently write something about me in her diary. I am including here a few of those writings:

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22.6.58

My beloved child,

You are for me the living and perfectly representative symbol of the physical life ready for the transformation and wanting that transformation consciously. In all the plenitude of the Supreme Presence I say to you: "I love you."

- Mother

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26 January 1954

My beloved child,

Your consecration to the divine work is so total that you have given your life to save mine. With all the mighty ardour that I have, I pray that this offering may not be in vain. My will to overcome all obstacles and to triumph is complete and unshakeable. You can depend on it, it will not weaken.

- Mother

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16.5.57

To thee whom my love selected when the time had come to start my work on the most material level -

I did not see in thee the man, but the human being capable of supramentalisation, the aspiration for physical perfection, the effort towards total transformation, the will to divinise the body and a natural and spontaneous capacity to do so, a physical harmony already partly realised and a growing possibility of expressing materially the psychic consciousness. With the certitude of a final Victory.

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To that one of my children who has entirely dedicated himself to the realisation of the miracle, which for the ordinary eye seems an impossibility.

Your psychic is wonderful in its loving consecration.

Your physical is most attentive and careful in its effort towards unselfishness.

Your vital submits and obeys, but unfortunately, could not do it through love, and that is why, until now, it is not happy and feels no joy, inspite of the great psychic achievement and the bliss it procures.

3.6.53

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(80)

From my childhood I had been a lonely child. It is since then that I would often feel extremely lonely. Right from the time I was 14 or 15, I felt that something was pushing from within, something was trying to come out into the open. But what this was I could not understand. As I grew up, this feeling increased in me even more.

My family had been in touch with the Ashram since very early. At the age of 19, in 1942, after passing my Intermediate Examination, I came to the Ashram for the first time to spend my vacation here. I wanted to see the Ashram with my own eyes and to try and understand Mother and Sri Aurobindo's ideal and vision.

From then on, I started feeling this push of something that wanted to express itself very intensely, so much so, that it would make me feel uneasy. It was difficult to be in direct contact with Mother during those times. One had to go through Nolini-da.

One day I told Nolini-da about my condition and asked him what it was that I was really seeking.

After a little thought Nolini-da replied: "You want to remain absorbed in a permanent state of contentment."

I understood, but I still could not get out of my problem.

After spending four months in the Ashram, I returned to Bengal. There I finished my studies and three years later came back to the Ashram. This time it was for good.

I began my life at the Ashram. Mother poured her affection, encouragement and help on me. She drew me close to her at once.

However, the inner pressure and pull remained. On the contrary it went on increasing and sometimes became so acute that occasionally I fell into a terrible depression. During this attack of depression I used to experience an intense pain for a week or two. Then it would pass and everything would become clear again.

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Mother kept a close watch on me and several times she tried to get me out of these depressions. Once my condition got so bad that Mother dragged me to Sri Aurobindo and left me at his feet. Sri Aurobindo looked at me with immense love and I felt a great hope and peace within me. Everything would get all right, he assured me.

From then on Mother would keep repeating: "I'll give you a present. With that, you'll see, everything will become all right. You will experience such a peace and ananda in life that you will be able to overcome all obstacles with ease." But she never told me what the real problem was. Neither could I understand where this depression was coming from as externally there was no apparent cause for it.

At that time two things helped me a lot. One, I tried to do my work as best I could from morning till night. I never tried to shirk any of my responsibility. And two, I exercised my body vigorously for two to two-and-a-half hours every day. Through this solid work and exercise routine I kept my body happy and with a healthy and strong body I could confront life much better.

Then from 1968 onwards, that is after 23 years of staying in the Ashram, I started feeling as if I had begun at long last to receive Mother's "present". Within me I felt a peace and ananda filling up. And as they increased they pervaded my entire being. I told Mother that I had received her present. She was very happy to hear this.

After coming out of my depression I finally found out the reason for it.

Right from my childhood I had hitched my life to an ideal. My discipline was very severe. I lived through this discipline. But at the unconscious levels of my being, my mind and vital yearned for the hopes, desires, joys and satisfactions of an ordinary life. As I had no connection with this .unconscious part I' could not in any way control it. And so, unable to satiate their desires, my mind and

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vital would revolt and not cooperate and as a result I would fall into a depression.

Mother illuminated this dark part of my being and by purifying it she saved me. And I became rightfully a vessel of pure ananda and peace.

And then I began walking on Mother and Sri Aurobindo's true path.

(81)

Epilogue

In the enthusiasm of youth I made a mistake. However, I only gained something through it. It is thanks to that mistake that I was brought to the divine path.

I imagined that Sri Aurobindo had realised the supramental consciousness in his sadhana, that he was totally transformed. He had no more illness, death could not touch him, no bond of the mortal world had any hold on him. Consequently, if I surrendered myself to such a guru then under his guidance I too could quickly progress in the supramental sadhana and completely transform myself.

I used to think that there was no illness in the Ashram, there was no suffering, no human weakness. No one could die here. This was some sort of Paradise. My life too would be blessed if I could live there. It was such ideas that brought me to the Ashram. Had these ideas not entered my head I may never have come here.

Naturally no one told me about these things nor did I read about them in any of Mother's or Sri Aurobindo's writings. This sort of certainty had entered my head without any outward reason. When I came to the Ashram for the first time in 1942 and stayed here for four months, I never realised that this belief was wrong.

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Just before coming to the Ashram for good, I had seen a film called Lost Horizon. In this film they showed such an ideal place called Shangri-la. I decided that Sri Aurobindo's Ashram was my Shangri-la.

In 1942, on the first day of my arrival in the Ashram, I went to the Dining Room for dinner. There I found out that the wife of a sadhak named Madangopal had died and the sweetmeat was being served as part of her funeral rites. Something struck me as odd. So death did exist, after all, in the Ashram, I wondered. Later I found out that Madangopal's wife was not an inmate of the Ashram but lived outside. My mind was reassured. Madangopal's wife died because she had not lived in the Ashram. Had she lived in the Ashram she would not have died.

A few months after coming definitively to the Ashram I got a real shock. A very sincere devotee of Mother and one who was extremely close to her, Chandulal, died. He had been a civil engineer outside and had lived in the Ashram for a long time. He was in charge of house maintenance, construction, repairs, etc., in short the Building Service. He was the head of this section. He had been admitted to the Town Hospital for a hernia operation and immediately after the operation he died.

At that time the Ashram did not own a van to take the corpse to the cremation-ground. We carried him there on a cot for the funeral. His death shook my belief greatly. But I controlled myself and went on single-mindedly on the path indicated by Mother and Sri Aurobindo.

Sometime after this incident - Mother had drawn me very close to her by then - I asked her if she and Sri Aurobindo had realised the supramental consciousness.

Mother answered: "No, not yet." The supramental consciousness came down into them from time to time but it was not yet established. "But we have caught the tail of it."

I was very disheartened. But I consoled myself thinking

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that even if they have not established the supramental consciousness in them they are at least marching ahead on this path and soon we will see its result.

I thought this especially after hearing Mother say to me one day: "Pranab, this time there will be no tragedy. We will certainly complete our work. Pavitra, Nolini and all these old sadhaks are waiting to witness the supramental realisation. I can't dishearten them."

Then on 5th December 1950, for some reason, Sri Aurobindo left his body. I was quite upset, but by then I had made my determination firm. Now that I was on this path, come what may, I would keep trying till my very last breath. I also thought that Mother would complete Sri Aurobindo's unfinished work. She would bring about the physical transformation in her own body. I lived on with that hope.

Then on 17th November 1973 Mother left her body. But by then by Mother's Grace, a poise and peace had taken root in me. And that is why even though I was saddened by her passing, I did not let it overwhelm me. And I have continued to walk on Mother and Sri Aurobindo's path. Let me see what they have kept in store for me: "Mantra-sadhan or the body's dissolution."

(82)

Soul-Searching

In childhood I used to hear from my Burodidi stories from the Ramayana and the Mahabharata. There, rishis and munis used to undertake tapasya of a thousand years in order to win some boon from the Divine. In my child-like way I used to imagine that these rishis and munis certainly knew a secret mantra that enabled them to live for so long to do this tapasya. I was very eager to know that mantra.

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Then on growing up a little, I came to know that Buddha did tapasya in order to conquer disease, suffering, old age and death and after achieving Nirvana he attained his goal. But even at such a young age my mind just wouldn't accept that what he achieved could really be 'everything. I had the feeling that what he achieved was perhaps not exactly what he had sought.

I would remain rapt in such thoughts from a very young age. I did not understand much, I did not even know much then. But still a deep thought or awareness of some secret existence enveloped me all the time. And because of this I became a somewhat lonely child.

Then I grew up a little more. Through physical culture I developed my body. But then I thought to myself that this body was not going to last forever. According to Nature's law the body would decay with time and then die. That old dream of childhood came back to me: is not there a way of obtaining immortality by preserving youth?

Already at the age of fourteen I had resolved that my life was not for me. But I did not understand then who or what it was for. It was then that I entered Biren-da's exercise-club to learn boxing and take up physical culture. Biren-da used to lay great stress on character-development. Exercise and boxing instilled courage and self-confidence in me. And there began my search for the true path.

When my family's contact with the Ashram started, I was twelve or thirteen. Mother and Sri Aurobindo's vision and thoughts impressed me a lot but I did not still know then that one day I would walk on their path. I was still looking for a path at that time.

This exercise-club and these youth associations gave a totally new direction to my life. I began feeling the urge to offer my life for some great work, some great ideal. All sorts of ideas and plans began buzzing in my head. But nothing in a clearly perceptible or definitive way.

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At the age of nineteen I came and spent four months in the Ashram. That trip was, in fact, part of my search for a path. That was my first direct contact with Sri Aurobindo's teaching and vision. And although I was greatly impressed by this vision, I still did not imagine that I would return to the Ashram and take to this path. I had other plans then. And just as I was proceeding accordingly and getting ready to reorient my life, I suddenly had an impulse that brought me here.

Once I had made contact with Mother and Sri Aurobindo, I felt that the answers to all my questions will be found only from them. That was another reason for my coming to. the Ashram.

As time passed, I received Mother's love and affection and came extremely close to her. I benefitted from her active guidance. Life, I felt, was now moving at a set pace towards the goal.

To say that there were no obstacles and difficulties would be incorrect. In fact, I had to go through tremendous hardship. But I overcame all. Someone protected and preserved me from everything and brought me across. I experienced fulfilment within me and it remained with me.

I found a permanent and clear goal and I found a path to reach that goal. I also received all the directions needed to walk on that path. Whatever is necessary in this life I got in ample measure. And I gained an extraordinary support and confidence which filled me with the energy and dynamism needed to eliminate all difficulties.

Today, at the threshhold of my seventieth year, when I look back I feel that all through my life someone has led me by the hand. So many misfortunes came my way, misfortunes that should have completely wiped me out, but I just sailed over them. This would certainly not have been possible if a conscious Being, a guiding Power had not led me. I feel very strongly that a great pilot is guiding me on.

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I gained the knowledge of this mystery of life after many, many years of closeness to Mother. Well, I have found the road. Now the journey remains to be completed. And I am on this journey now. I know for sure that some day, whether in this life or in the next, with Mother's blessing I will reach my goal.

I want to see the end. And I am waiting for it.

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