Growing up with the Mother

Introduction

This section contains the Mother’s replies to my questions on spiritual life and other related topics. In introducing this text, I would like to explain how this correspondence came about and share with the reader a few reminiscences which show how much interest the Mother took in us during the early years of our school. She tried to mould our character by pouring into us Her personal love as well as Her constant advice.

The Mother started coming out of the Ashram in the evenings towards the end of 1947. At first She played table tennis and when the tennis courts were ready in 1948, She started playing tennis. After playing, She would watch the various physical education activities. Sometime in 1949, the Mother extended the duration of Her stay in the Playground. After the activities were over, She would sit on a bench and watch Pranab (whom I began calling Dada) do his exercises. A very ordinary bench painted in green was arranged for Her. Gauri-di would cover the bench with a clean cloth and a cushion. Six or seven lady-disciples who accompanied the Mother wherever She went in the Playground sat on the floor at Her feet.

I lived in “Dortoir”, a children’s boarding house adjacent to the Playground. As soon as the session of our physical education ended, I would run to the boarding house, take a shower, gulp down my dinner and return to the Playground. Timidly, I would stand behind the others and watch Dada’s training. I was not even thirteen years old. Gradually, I got bolder and stood at a place where I was sure that the Mother would see me. And indeed She saw me and gave me a big smile as soon as I came and took my place a little away from Her. Thus encouraged, I went closer each day, until the day I found myself touching the end of the bench on which She was sitting. That day She gave me a big smile, called me to Her, and asked the lady who was sitting at Her feet on Her right side to move over a little and make place for me. This lady was a doctor from France who was staying in the Ashram for a year or two. While the Mother watched Dada’s exercises, this lady sat near the Mother’s feet, just to Her right. When the Mother asked her to make place for me, she became very annoyed and walked straight out of the Playground in a huff. The Mother took no notice; rather She asked me to come and sit near Her every day. It took the Mother some time to pacify this lady and it was only some days later that we saw her again at the Playground. On the day she returned, she asked me to vacate her usual place next to the Mother which I had been occupying since a few days. Timidly I started to get up, but the Mother put Her hand on my shoulder and made me sit down again. The lady stood motionless for a moment and then went and chose a new place for herself.

In 1948, instead of doing his own exercises, Dada started conducting a training course in gymnastics, twice a week for the captains. The class consisted of the captains of Group C (young boys), Group D (young men) and Group E (ladies). I too was a group captain at that time, for at the end of 1946, though I was only ten and a half years old, the Mother had made me the captain of Group A, consisting of children from six to nine years of age. I was very keen to join the training course of the captains but Dada felt that I was too young. I kept pleading and finally, early in 1950 he said that if I could execute correctly twenty-five push-ups he would allow me to join the course. That evening, while I was seated at the Mother’s feet, observing the class with Her, he came and told Her about the condition I would have to fulfil in order to get admitted to the captains’ training course. I started working hard and practised several times a day.

Some time during this period, the Mother asked Parul to come twice a week during the captain’s training course and sit next to me. She told us both to bring our copies of Prayers and Meditations. Alternately Parul and I would read a prayer in French and the Mother would give long explanations for the benefit of the ladies around Her. Parul and I did not listen to Her at all. We would watch the training programme or would play with the Mother’s feet, measuring them with our hands or tracing their contour on the ground. She knew all this, but continued Her explanations for the benefit of the ladies. This lasted only for three or four days because by then I was able to do the twenty-five push-ups. Pranab made me do them in the Mother’s presence. When I completed the dips successfully, the Mother took my hands in Hers, congratulated me and with a radiant smile sent me off for my first lesson with the captains’ group . With a feeling of exultation and triumph I ran off, little realising the golden opportunity I had let slip by. From that day the Mother stopped the classes on Prayers and Meditations.

Some time later however, early in June 1951, the Mother took up these classes again. At first there were only the six of us: Chum, Jhumur, Bubu, Gauri, Parul and me who went together daily to see the Mother upstairs in Her room. One day while we were with Her, She announced that She was going to hold special classes at the playground for us on Wednesdays. On 6^th June, She gave each of us an individually numbered copy of the second edition of Prayers and Meditations in French and began our classes in the Guest House verandah of the children’s courtyard. Besides the six of us, the Mother asked my sister, Chitra, to join. So there were seven of us. From then onwards, on every class day, the Mother accepted new members. The number of students grew rapidly and at the end of a few sessions we were almost thirty. All the students were from group B, except for Manoj (group C of the early years) and Chitra (group A). After this, for sometime the Mother did not accept any new students, but people continued to ask for permission, hoping to participate. She gave them permission to come and sit at the back of the circle of regular students. By then, the classes had become so large that they were held in the children’s courtyard of the Guest House. The Mother sat on a chair and we sat cross-legged on the floor, making a big circle around Her.

But as the rains sometimes disturbed us, the Mother decided to take the classes in Her own room in the Playground. When Her room became too small for the increasing number of participants, She brought the class outdoors, onto the Playground itself. She sat in front of the map of India, we students sat around Her and the others who wanted to listen to Her, sat at the back. Most of the Ashramites, even those who did not understand French, came to the classes. Eventually, loud­speakers were installed so that everyone could hear.

From 1953, whatever She said was tape-recorded. Portions of Her talks were first published in the Bulletin of physical education and later as a series of books titled Questions and Answers. These Wednesday classes continued until December 1958 when the Mother stopped all Her activities at the playground.

After December 1958, the Mother did not see us often, but whenever I went to see Her, She would ask questions about my work with the children at the Playground. I always told Her how much we missed Her. Very often I asked Her to restart our classes but She never gave any definite answer to my request.

On 6^th September 1959, when I went to see the Mother, She asked me what I would like to have from Her. Spontaneously I said, “ Mother I would like You to resume the Wednesday classes.” She took my hands in Hers and said with great force and strength, almost in anger, “I have no intention of starting the classes again. The students were not interested, they did not come prepared; nobody asked any questions.” She continued in this tone for quite some time. There I was, kneeling before Her, totally dazed and shaken, tears streaming down my face. I knew that what She said was true. Often She had scolded the six of us when we went to Her upstairs for not asking any questions during the class, but She always excluded me from these scoldings because I was one of the few who did ask questions. Most probably the majority of the students did not open their mouth out of fear, timidity or shyness. The Mother tried many times in different ways to make us ask questions. She would point a finger at each child and say, “Do you have anything to ask? and you, and you ...” But even this did not work. Later She asked us to put our questions in writing, but the written questions generally came from older sadhaks and not from the students themselves. Now kneeling before Her, I knew that what She said was true and that we had lost an invaluable opportunity. I felt miserable and the tears continued to run down my face. Suddenly the Mother looked at me compassionately, took me in Her arms, pulled me to Her breast, kissed me and consoled me saying, “I did not say all this for you, my little one, it was for the whole class. You always asked questions. To you I have nothing to say. You had interest, but most of the others were content to sit there without ever opening their lips. That is why I don’t want to start the classes again. But you, you can send me your notebook with your questions and I will answer them.”

Thus during the thirteen years, from 1959 to 1972, with short and long intervals, according to the time at the Mother’s disposal, I continued to ask questions. I started with questions on the last chapters of The Life Divine, from the point which the Mother had reached when She stopped Her Wednesday classes at the Playground. I also took up the Thoughts and Aphorisms again from the point She had reached before discontinuing Her Friday classes with the Group A. All of this, including Her answers to my questions subsequently came out as a book entitled, On Thoughts and Aphorisms. Over the years, I also asked Her other questions which occurred to me in the course of my study of Sri Aurobindo’s books, and also questions about my work and my life.

What follows are questions and answers on sadhana and life. They reflect the Mother’s patient and loving guidance towards the growth of my inner being.