The Story of a Soul

01 November 1955

I rose early on November 1st. It was my spiritual birthday as decided by the Mother—it was the anniversary of my first meeting with her.

The weather had undergone a change. In place of the paralysing heat, a less warm period had set in. Pondicherry, to my experience, never has a cool season.

The Mother met me in the Meditation Hall upstairs. She wore a delicate pastel-coloured gown with a flimsy knee-length smock over it. She had covered her head with a matching veil. Her delicate French perfume enhanced her personality.

With a dazzling smile she welcomed me and wished me "Bonne Fête". Her eyes were tender with love as she handed me a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Then she looked deeper into my eyes for quite some time.

Afterwards she pointed to the small room opposite where she was sitting, and said:

When Sri Aurobindo was in his body, he and I used to sit over there and give darshan to devotees. Come with me into Sri Aurobindo's room and receive his blessings also, for he is always present among us.

She held my right hand and led me into his own chamber, which was marvellously peaceful. I sank to my knees and prostrated myself reverently before his bed. A huge wave of Divine Peace engulfed me. The Mother stood very close to me, indrawn. My mind fell silent in Their Presence.

After some time we returned to the Hall. Mother seated herself again and meditated for a while. Finally she stood up, kissed me lightly on my brow, opened the door which led to the staircase and bade me au revoir.

In the afternoon I had the pleasure of seeing her once more in the Prosperity Room, where she was distributing flowers to everyone with her blessings.

That day the Mother made a remark about me to Vasudha, who reported it as: "Huta has a childlike nature".

I noted it down, but did not feel quite sure about the last word. Could it have been "soul" instead of "nature"? I wrote to the Mother, praying for clarification. She decided the issue:

I do not remember what I have said or even if I have said something. But if I said anything it could have been only a childlike nature, because the soul has always the pure simplicity of a child but at the same time it has the patient endurance given by experience and eternity.

Perhaps that is why the outer "me" was so frequently assaulted by the anti-divine forces—lest it should be swiftly taken over by the soul. The outer "me" unfortunately did not know how to check itself and thus fell easy prey to the forces that oppose Truth and Love.

Subtle fears, doubts and disbelief blurred my vision. I could not observe things in the right perspective. Yet even this "me" was unceasingly reaching out to its Mother and calling for her help.

Yes, she gave me a new birth in the spirit, and the whole being had to grow exactly according to her Will. Yet I felt that I still had to confront and surmount the most difficult and dangerous phases in my life, before the conscious and concrete union with the Supreme Lord would be achieved.

Many a time something inside me stirred and welcomed the change of consciousness. Often I turned my thoughts away from the easy path that the majority of human beings tread. A number of times I could persuade my mind to trust the Mother's Force and be sure of Its final Victory.

But it was not easy to keep my steps always steady on the spiritual path. Suggestions were constantly hovering in the atmosphere, and would descend on me unexpectedly. I was not knowledgeable about spiritual matters—I could not distinguish chalk from cheese. And a gigantic inferiority complex swallowed me up.