The Story of a Soul

29 March 1955

March 29th was the anniversary of the Mother's first arrival in Pondicherry. She distributed this message to everyone:

Happiness comes from the soul's satisfaction, not from the vital's or the body's. The vital is never satisfied; the body soon ceases to be moved at all by what it easily or always has. Only the psychic being brings the real joy and felicity.

Sri Aurobindo, The Mother with Letters on The Mother: Nearness to the Mother and Progress in Sadhana

The ornaments which belonged to me had already been brought by my people and offered to the Mother. Now my remaining suitcases arrived from Calcutta. Dyuman gave me a vivid description of the Mother's expression when my things were shown to her. She had liked some French chiffon saris, and wished dresses to be made of them for her—many of them were brand new. There were also many other beautiful things, and she was appreciative.

Meanwhile a very unpleasant incident took place, which shattered my nerves. It was with a person who behaved so shabbily—her attitude was despotic. My tearful pent-up anger was such that I could not help reporting it to the Mother. She answered me:

Now, from the point of view of Yoga, it is always better to attach no importance to these superficial things and to keep an inner poise and a quiet mind, taking refuge in the Divine and giving importance only to the relation with the Divine.

I fought down my indignation and recovered my composure. My true self implored the Mother to assist me to settle down in this new life. She promised:

My love is always with you, my help is always with you, my strength is always with you. I will lead you through all difficulties towards the Light, the Peace and the Joy.

This you must never forget.

The Mother gave me two photographs, one of Sri Aurobindo and one of herself. They were mounted separately in frames embroidered with gold thread.

And ... I took the plunge into the ocean of spirituality. I thought that now the Divine was within my reach and that I was leading the Divine Life. How mistaken I was!

In fact I understood nothing. I felt as if I had been pushed into a black, turbulent and threatening sea. Hostile forces came rushing into my consciousness like gigantic waves and showed me all the gaps in my being, to test my sincerity towards the Call. I sank deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. I found everything around me dark, depressing, strange, startling, crushing. My struggle had begun.