Nirodbaran's Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo

April 1933

I feel a great longing to express myself in literature but sometimes it gets mixed with a desire to be a great writer. But on the other hand my language is poor, style immature and thoughts meagre.

There should be no "desire" to be a "great" writer. If there is a genuine inspiration or coming of a power to write, then it can be done but to use it as a means of service to the Divine is the proper spirit.

April 2, 1933

I went to is place and came back feeling depressed. May I have caught the depression from her or did it come like that without any apparent reason?

Both are possible.

I think I have read in "Conversations" that depression is contagious and one may get it just like the germs of a disease. Is it true and what might have been the cause in my case?

Yes. She must have dropped it upon you (not intentionally of course) and also perhaps your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty.

Since my coming here, I don't think I have ever had a good meditation. It begins in earnestness and ends in sleep with dreams.

What kind of dreams?

April 6, 1933

It is very difficult to say what kind of dreams they are. They are incomplete, incoherent and indistinct. But I remember one: some chickens were going about with their mother, and some crows appeared, suddenly one of them caught hold of a chicken and flew away. How on earth could such a dream take place and what significance could it have?

Naturally, these dreams have no value except when they are symbolic; but it counts only as the beginning of an inward going movement.

It is probable that you have begun to go inside and first get into touch with a world very near to the physical and are seeing things there.

I quite realise that there should be no craving for anything. But when a cup of tea is offered can it be harmful to our sadhana? I thought it all depends on the attitude.

Yes, but the attitude of craving can be encouraged by taking. If there is the right attitude one can take, but one will not perhaps care to!

I do not quite understand what is meant by "your vital forces went to her leaving you for the moment empty".

There is always an interchange of vital forces going on between people. If you sit near one who is weak and depressed and needs vital force, you may have your forces pulled from you by his or her need and yourself feel depressed or weak or empty.

April 7, 1933

Is this vital interchange one of the reasons why many sadhaks segregate themselves?

Yes. Not the drawing of vital forces alone, but the invasion by the ideas, feelings, atmosphere of others, hampering the sadhana, is one of the chief reasons of the turn towards segregation and solitude.

How to increase the vital resistance by which these in-drawings or outgoings can be prevented?

It is partly by being vigilant and having a self-protecting will; partly by a capacity to call in and replenish the forces at any moment that one can best meet the difficulty.

I tried to meditate but I had to simply give it up, and sleep came in and with it what confused dreams!

When you cannot meditate, remain quiet and call in the Mother's Peace or Force.

April 8, 1933

About that "legal action", I do not know exactly what they intend. I suppose they would like very much to have a personal warrant issued and so get me back for some debts.

Pondicherry is a place where people often come as a refuge—because there can be no personal warrant for debts against them here. I knew a Parsi from Bombay loaded with debts who was here for three or four years and only went back when his affairs were settled by others in Bombay itself.

April 12, 1933

Whenever I receive letters from friends I go into ecstasies, and constantly I'm thinking of what I should write etc. Evidently such an upsetting is not good for our sadhana, is it? But perhaps one can indulge in a little exuberance when friends seem to aspire for a divine life.

It is not likely to be much of an obstacle. But there should be no attachment or depression if it does not happen as you would like.

April 13, 1933

When I get up in the morning I find that the previous day's sadhana is forgotten. What should be done to keep up the continuity?

The gap made by the night and waking with the ordinary consciousness is the case with everybody almost (of course, the "ordinary" consciousness differs according to the progress); but it is no use wanting to be conscious in sleep; you have to get the habit of getting back the thread of the progress as soon as may be and for that there must be some concentration after rising.

At night, you have to pass into sleep in the concentration—you must be able to concentrate with the eyes closed, lying down and the concentration must deepen into sleep—that is to say, sleep must become a concentrated going inside away from the outer waking state. If you find it necessary to sit for a time you may do so, but afterwards lie down, keeping the concentration till this happens.

April 14, 1933

I go to the Asram for meditation, about an hour after I rise. Is this not rather late for "getting back the thread of the progress"?

You neen not meditate at once—but for a few minutes take a concentrated attitude calling the Mother's presence for the day.

April 15, 1933

Last night I was trying to concentrate in bed, with the eyes closed. I suddenly woke up and the first thought was that I had been able to concentrate for long, and it did not look like sleep as there was no dazed or queer feeling as one usually has in sudden wakings. I have no experience of what going inside is like. Maybe this is the thing?

[Sri Aurobindo underlined the last sentence.]

Yes, only not yet a conscious going inside—that has to come.

The rest of the night also passed in a kind of constant remembrance, but in between I had an unhappy dream which I completely forgot. I woke up in the morning feeling spiritless without any apparent reason. Then it struck me that it was perhaps the effect of the dream working beneath the surface.

Its effect—yes. But you ought to shake it off at once and not allow it to trouble you.

April 16, 1933

By saying that I seem to have become quieter, did you mean that my vital-physical is not so clamorous or is it an inner quiet of the psychic?

Mother meant simply that there was less restlessness of the mind and the vital during the meditation—as you yourself felt.

Today at pranam, you did not keep your hand on my head as you usually do. If there is any twist, I will at once set U right.

There was no such significance.

April 18, 1933

Here is a letter from J. He asked me to pray for him and to take a flower from you. And he would also like to come here.

You must understand that if we refuse persistently J's demand, we have a good reason for it. I do not understand really what he wants you to do. Flowers are usually given on special occasions and he can have them then.

I find that the concentration before going to bed merges unconsciously into sleep.

These things cannot have their effect in a moment. You must persevere till the physical consciousness is penetrated.

I have marked that if We write to you about some defects, some wrong movements, etc., they are immediately rectified but only for a day or two. Then gradually the old habits, wrong turns of the mind, creep in.

Again, transformation does not happen by a miracle in a day. It must be gained by constant aspiration, patient perseverance and persistence.

Just now I received P's telegram. I am sure you will give him permission, won't you?

The permission may be given—but does he want to stay in the Asram? If so, does he know the ways of life here and that he must conform to them and also about the expenses? Or will he stay outside?

For how long is he likely to come?

All this should be understood before you answer.

Some days I walk out of the Pranam hall with joy and warmth filling my whole being; on other days the whole being seems calm and quiet. Which is the better condition?

Both are good—and there is no harm in their alternating till the joy and peace can combine.

April 22, 1933

Last night while I was concentrating lying in bed I entered into a half-wakeful state which made me a little afraid. I tried to fall asleep but the state of concentration would not leave me. At last sleep came. Is this an intermediate stage?

Yes. I don't know why you should have any fear! It is a quite usual experience of the concentrated state when one is going inside.

As the meditation deepens, a sense of pressure is felt on the head. I don't suppose it is anything abnormal?

It is on the contrary the most normal thing everybody feels at a certain initial stage.

I hear that one can pray for a friend and write to you about him.

Yes but don't do it for people who have not the turn for Yoga. Each has his own movement—his own time in this life or another.

April 23, 1933

For some days there is joy and enthusiasm; sadhana goes on well. Then there comes a lapse when there is less joy and meditation needs effort.

These alternations are quite normal. In the low periods one has to remain quiet, assimilate what one has received and aspire for more.

April 30, 1933