Nirodbaran's Correspondence with Sri Aurobindo

October 1934

Had a severe headache after pranam. Why?

Some mental resistance probably.

October 1, 1934

Sri Aurobindo,

Last night I had a dream of a mixed character. I saw that many of us have assembled and are expecting you to come down amongst us. A great expectancy was in the air, a great excitement, because a Force was to descend.

This is also in the vital.

You came, but we didn't know how or when. Suddenly we found that Nolini had fallen senseless on the ground, and you were lying beside him, which gave us the impression that you were transmitting your Force into him. Then somebody came and separated us from you by drawing a screen, saying or suggesting that this was the Force that was expected to come down.

After a while some of us went to see you again, and saw you passing by. To our great delight and surprise your feet were just the colour of lotus—so soft, tender, beautiful. Unfortunately I couldn't make much of your face. So this was the dream, though not accurate, perhaps.

Dreams of this kind in the vital plane are very common. They correspond to something that has happened there, but the forms are often partly supplied by the subconscient mind and partly true. The "supplied forms" have then to be taken as symbolic, while the rest actually happened in that plane. N's falling down etc. and the drawing of the screen seem to be of the supplied kind. The rest seems to be of a more direct character.

October 3, 1934

I have been rather clumsy in expressing my thoughts. Somehow I feel a great resistance and words simply won't come. The same resistance everywhere!

It is the negative resistance mostly of the physical mind and vital physical—a resistance of inertia, of অপ্রকাশ¹³ and অপ্রবৃত্তি¹⁴ against any idea of any possibility of being other than they are. It often comes when the keenness of the vital resistances is no longer there.

October 11, 1934

I notice that a definite and marked despair has come over me, making me realise constantly how limited and meagre are my powers and possibilities. Whatever I produce is most mediocre.

Even supposing what you produce is not something extraordinary—what does it matter? Do your best and leave it to the Power to improve your best.

I feel quite helpless and without force and energy, without aspiration or faith. I would like to know if and how one is responsible for such a condition. Shall I persist in meditation or try to replace it by some reading?

These things must be the result either of desires or of inertia or of vital restlessness. If you stop meditation, I do not see how you are going to get rid of these things. It is only by bringing in a higher consciousness that you can get rid of the habitual conditions of the old consciousness.

October 15, 1934

Last night I dreamt of two huge snakes with their hoods spread out and when I woke up, what did I see to my utter surprise—again two similar snakes standing by my bed. On looking closely I found two parallel beams of light fallen on the curtain. Due to the movement of the curtain, it looked like the swaying of the snakes. But I still can't believe that they were mere beams of the street light, and not a vision of snakes.

It is not a vision. Very often what one sees at the moment of waking prolongs itself into the waking state until the full ordinary consciousness comes back. Here it was farther prolonged by finding a physical support in the beams of light. I have often seen in the early stages that a subtle image takes advantage of something physical to make itself more durable and concrete even in the full waking state. The snakes here were probably Energies, not of the harmful kind.

October 17, 1934

Last night I was in a mood of depression. To get out of it I tried to meditate. After half an hour's struggle I had to give it up, with more depression as a consequence. Then various unwholesome thoughts began pouring in: it is simply futile to make any effort for anything. Especially as one sits to meditate, one thought after another surges up. What a terrible tug-of-war I had with the mind! Some days pass simply in unsuccessful efforts and one has to leave meditation in utter disgust. One is thus forced to the conclusion that our efforts, however keen and earnest, are after all impotent. If the higher Power wills, it comes in a second. But the Power not only doesn't will it, but keeps the door tightly shut, at the same time asking us to knock against it with all our might, knowing fully well that we are going to be baffled. Why this costly joke?... In this vein I went on till I again reached the conclusion that all efforts are useless, useless! And with that conclusion I slept a most disturbed sleep of depression, inertia and restlessness.

These are the thoughts of depression, but the impression is still settled in the mind that though efforts have to he made, they will bear no fruit whatsoever and they can do mighty little...

One can either use efforts and then one must be patient and persevering, or one can rely on the Divine with a constant call and aspiration. But then the reliance has to be a true one not insisting on immediate fruit.

All that is the physical mind refusing to take the trouble of the labour and struggle necessary for the spiritual achievement. It wants to get the highest, but desires a smooth course all the way. "Who the devil is going to face so much trouble for getting the Divine?"—that is the underlying feeling. The difficulty with the thoughts is a difficulty every Yogi has gone through—so is the phenomenon of a little result after some days of effort. It is only when one has cleared the field and ploughed and sown and watched over it that big harvests can be hoped for.

October 24, 1934

Dilip told us today that you were trying to bring down the personality of Durga on the puja day.

There was no trying—it came down

When I came for pranam, your appearance made me feel that you were Durga herself though I have not the faintest idea of what the Goddess looks like. Later I told Nishikanta my impression. He said he too had a similar feeling. I don't know whether such a feeling arose out of the association with the puja on that day, or quite independently of it.

All that is the silliness of the physical mind which thinks itself very clever in explaining away the inner feeling or perception.

One can't take such feelings very seriously (perhaps you will rebuke me for it) because they are so vague, abstract and momentary! It is difficult to distinguish the border line between imagination, intuition and feelings unless they are substantiated by something like a concrete vision.

What else do you expect the first touches to be?

To give you one instance: I heard as if the Goddess Bhagawati¹⁵ were telling me, "I am coming", and many other things which I don't remember now.

These things are at least a proof that the inner mind and vital are trying to open to supraphysical things. But if you belittle it at once the moment it starts how can it ever develop?

Now, in what light should I take it? If I take it as a reflected response of my own nature's restlessness, shall I be wrong?

Yes, quite wrong.

You have shown two ways of sadhana: one of effort, another of reliance on the Divine with constant call. But aren't they really the same? How do they differ? Constant call and aspiration means the constant acceptance of Truth and rejection of falsehood, which means a constant effort at rejection and acceptance since our mind being what it is, will always run after physical things and its pleasure. Is there any less effort in this method?

Much less. The other is a constant effort to get things down and pull down what one wants. Acceptance and rejection are quite a different thing.

October 26, 1934

P has chronic stomach ulcer. You have cured many incurable and curable diseases, so any chance for him?

It depends on himself. Anyway I suppose it is not a thing that kills quickly? People thrive on it for 30 years sometimes. Isn't it a question of care and diet—or supposed to be so? Punuswami who comes here has had it and is still alive and doing his work, so is K who was here once. But I can't promise to cure it—I tried with K but it comes back when he is off his guard. If a man is very receptive, it is another matter.

October 27, 1934

I have started concentrating in the heart now. Last Sunday while I was meditating I had the vision of Sri Aurobindo's face floating before me for about an hour or so, accompanied by a deep joy. I was fully conscious, but the body became as if dead, all movements stopped and what a rapture it gave me.

That was very good!

... Has anything opened up in me, really? Or is it only a momentary phase of a descent like Peace or Ananda? But I feel as if you have given me a lift forward—the fulfilling of your promise—I am coming. Am I right?

It looks like it. At any rate there is evidently an opening in the heart-centre or you would not have had the change or the vision with the stilling of the physical consciousness in the body.

October 30, 1934