At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

03 May 1934

MYSELF: Sri Aurobindo, the editor Lilabati Nag of Jayasri is constantly writing to me for some articles. Once I sent with your permission a poem, after which I heard that the Mother and yourself had forbidden it. As I haven’t sent any reply, she goes on writing, and will even give some remuneration, she says. Not to take notice of her letters would amount to rudeness, I think. Is there any harm in just replying to her letter? The paper seems to be supported by many literary figures and national leaders. So it may not matter much if I don’t contribute. Would you like to have a look at the paper? Jyoti and I would like however to know what you want us to do.

SRI AUROBINDO: I told Jyotirmoyi she could reply and then gradually allow the correspondence to drop, you can do the same (without giving any reason for the dropping off). The public Men in India are not circumstanced like the Asram. For us also if it were a personal matter it would not matter. But if a report goes from the British or French police that the Asram is associated with revolutionaries in Bengal or with a paper run by a Terrorist, that will be a note against us in the record (which is at present quite clear) and any future Governor or party in power here, if hostile to us, may use it in a report or complaint to the ministry in Paris. In that case any such Governor or party would be able on that ground alone to dissolve the Asram by a stroke of the pen — the Governor is all powerful and can do such things by a single order of decree. It is no use running the Asram and the work into danger for a trivial reason which has nothing to do with our work. That is why the Mother is so careful not to give any ground for hostile representations and that is why she wants no connection of this kind between the people in the Asram and suspects there.

MYSELF: Mother, the songs I am singing for gramophone recording are not turning out at all well. My throat is also bad. Besides, those who have come for recording believe that the old songs I used to sing before in Calcutta would have been better. I told them “That won’t do, I feel no inspiration for singing such songs.” I don’t regret the songs being unsuccessful, but since they have come from a great distance and have spent so much for it I would be happy if they didn’t incur any loss on my account.

SRI AUROBINDO: If the condition of your voice had been brought to our attention in time, we would have tried to set it right before these people came. Even as it is, if you can shake off the nervous hesitation and get the impulse from within, the voice may come back suddenly and maintain itself long enough for the purpose of the records. Afterwards with rest and the necessary improvement of the condition of the throat, it can permanently recover.

(Note: The following letter of Sri Aurobindo is apropos of my wanting to return some money sent by a distant relative.)

SRI AUROBINDO: It is hardly possible to return the money once it has been sent, in view of your past relation with him; but you can consider it as an advance on any money that may fall due to you after the expenses of the book have been met. Your mistake was to say that you were in need of money — his sending is a natural result; but once sent, if you send it back, it will be throwing back his gift in his face — which cannot very well be done.

MYSELF: In connection with some particular matter, a lower trait of my nature has been very rudely exposed to my view and I am filled with shame and disgust to see that even now such possessive instincts are lurking in me. What a shame, what a repulsion! It had hidden itself so cleverly that I could not detect it at all. Dear Mother, I want not detachment alone, but wideness as well. Do cleanse my entire being. I can’t bear to see these ugly figures of the lower nature any longer.

SRI AUROBINDO: In a certain sense it is good that it has risen and you have seen clearly and got disgusted with it. Only give no justification, support it in no way, be resolute to finish with it altogether. You will get all the help we can give you.

MYSELF: I seem to be engrossed in writing. Is it all right? Have I understood your views exactly regarding the novel I want to write? There must be somewhere something amiss, otherwise why this unease? If so, I shall give up the writing. I was hurrying up with the work with the thought that I would be able to offer you the book on my birthday if it could be finished in time.

SRI AUROBINDO: Mother does not disapprove of your writing a book — what she does not like is your being so lost in it that you can do nothing else. You must be master of what you do and not possessed by it. She quite agrees to your finishing and offering the book on your birthday if that can be done. But you must not be carried away — you must keep your full contact with higher things.

(3.5.34)