At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

12 September 1933

MYSELF: Mother mine, Sri Aurobindo has written that I haven’t informed you about the cause of my depression, but I couldn’t myself make out at first what the reason was. On the first day, I felt a weakness since things began to be insipid and gradually the depression went on increasing. It seems to me this was an attack coming from outside and passing by me. There was nothing against you or anybody else. Often the past invades and causes a fall of consciousness, but there was nothing of that sort. I was myself surprised at what had happened. One day Dilip came in a very depressed condition and was saying many things. I was very much distressed to hear them. Could that be the reason then?

SRI AUROBINDO: There is a Force going about the Ashram trying to attack anybody who gives an opening. It fell upon Dilip and threw him into depression — in his case there were small outward reasons but all quite small and trivial, but the depression was of great violence and lasted long. Somehow or other it came through him to you but as it could not find any place to get through in the mind or the vital, it fell upon the body (vital-physical or nervous) and created a weakness in which it was able to play. As soon as it could do that, helped by Dilip’s remark, it began to whirl round the old machine of thoughts and repinings and despairs. This time it was purely mechanical and irrational, the subconscient bringing up the old habit and turning it like a wheel — which shows that it is nearing its last resources. This is what I saw, but I wanted to know the outward details from you and these entirely confirm what I saw.

(12.9.33)