At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

13 September 1933

MYSELF: Mother, since yesterday, I have been feeling worse. Painful old memories afflict me. Egoism again was coming back, I tried to reject it, but couldn’t. Then followed a severe depression with thoughts of failure and other self-lowering tendencies increasing and ending in a climax that with this body and this nature no sadhana can be done. Therefore let this body perish; where is the necessity to continue living? Now, the tendency to tell you everything got closed up and I took up the attitude that since I was going to die, I shouldn’t disturb you further. All possible sorts of painful, depressing thoughts I indulged in, more in anger at myself. Deeply perplexed, I failed to find the cause. When, however, this phase passes, I laugh at myself and feel even ashamed. So dramatic, and yet disturbing!

SRI AUROBINDO: It is the suggestion of incapacity and departure (if not death) that the adverse Force is trying to suggest in each case. The whole thing is absurd and meaningless in your case, a mechanical repetition of old movements. But there was some spot somewhere in the physical in which the button could be pressed and the machinery began to turn round. You must therefore be on your guard especially against any beginning of depression and react immediately — you must not allow physical weakness to bring mental depression, for that is the gate by which it came in.

(13.9.33)