At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

14 December 1934

MYSELF: Sri Aurobindo and Mother, this is to let you know that I was not so upset this time. I made a mistake to tell X about it and I felt it at once, but when I saw that he had taken it in the right way, I was relieved. But it was giving me pain to see in myself the spirit to hide the thing from you, and not only that but to insist on another person also to do the same thing. I was not quite upset or disturbed as there was always the inner calm and quiet, I was feeling separately the struggle of this part, which was not violent in its nature but deep and calm too, and I took the watching part as my true being, the psychic, which was feeling so much pain to see the spirit to hide this thing from you and indulge in the insincerity of the mind (and vital perhaps). I had recognised both the parts and was wanting the psychic to persuade the unwillingness, and as soon as I started telling myself: ‘No, this thing cannot go on. I must tell Mother’ — the whole thing became absolutely motionless, calm like a sheet all spread out, but the struggle was going on only when the other part was refusing to listen to the psychic.

SRI AUROBINDO: It is very good and shows that you have got a firm foundation in the inner being. It was of course the psychic that made the vital feel about the concealment and compelled it to assent to the working. That also is good, for if the psychic control is not yet so complete (as it must and will come) as to prevent some instinctive movements, yet it is evidently much greater than before and is increasing its influence.

(14.12.34)