At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

17 January 1937

Now I shall present 6 consecutive letters but I have to say something by way of introduction. In January 1937 my condition began to deteriorate so much so that I decided to leave this place. It started with my abhiman towards the Mother, my ego’s resentment, the reason being that she didn’t appear to love me. Along with it, many difficulties regarding the sadhana began to accumulate, leading to the conclusion that sadhana was impossible, I couldn’t do it. Besides, if the Mother didn’t love me, when she had despaired of me, what was the use of my staying here?

The situation rose to a climax and I took the decision to leave. Friends tried to dissuade me in various ways, but I gave no ear to their pleadings. Only one refrain I repeated, “If anyone can prevent me, it is the Mother.” A terrible obstinacy gripped me. All my luggage was packed, except the bedding. The preparation was complete. Still, strange to say, I felt that I couldn’t go; all this was just a drama, but outwardly I was determined. As I was ready and waiting, the mind enveloped in darkness, Nolini came quietly and said, “What? Are you going?” “Yes, Nolinida, I am going,” I replied with tearful eyes. The atmosphere of the house was tense, sombre. He kept quiet for a while and sat on my cot. Then in a deep slow voice he continued, “Mother asked, ‘Is Sahana going tomorrow?’” Then he stopped. Again, he repeated, “Mother said, ‘Is Sahana going tomorrow?’” He repeated it just in the way the Mother had said it. She seemed to have spoken three times slowly, halting at each time. My being was then filled with silent sobs and I burst out as soon as he had finished. Utterly broken I cried, “Nolinida, please tell Mother I won’t go.” It was as if I was just waiting for this touch of the Mother. The cloud dispersed at once. What a relief! Nolinida said before departing, “Give me whatever money you have with you.” I understood his fear. After this event, there was no repetition of this thought of going away. Now the six letters from Sri Aurobindo bearing on this episode:

(1a) All these suggestions that came to you were of course part of the attack on the physical consciousness, — the attack on the body is used to raise these ideas and the ideas are used to make it more difficult for the body to recover. At a certain stage attacks fall heavily on the body because the opposing forces find it more difficult than before to upset the mind and vital directly so they fall on the physical in the hope that that will do the trick, the physical being more vulnerable. But the sensibility of the body to attacks is no proof of incapacity just as a finer sensibility of the mind or vital to attacks was no proof — it can in due time be overcome. As for the feelings about the Mother and that her love is only given for a return in work to those who can do sadhana well, that is the usual senseless idea of the vital-physical mind and has no value....

I hope you will be all right soon. If the body does not right itself, you must keep me informed from time to time.

(17.1.37)

(1b) Try to keep yourself open to our Force in the body, that is the main thing. If the nerves (physical) are quieted, the illness itself will be less intense in its symptoms and can be more easily got over.

(17.1.37)