At the feet of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo

21 June 1933

MYSELF: Reading Sri Aurobindo’s letter, I got terribly upset and felt that I wouldn’t be able to do sadhana. I have left everything for you alone; still if I feel sad that I don’t get the intimacy in the way I want it and you call that sadness a vital demand, then how should I want it? I do want you and, for that, I am trying my best to follow your directions, but if that does not bring me closer to you, and the intimacy within doesn’t deepen, then it is quite natural that I should feel sad and be in despair about myself. It is clear that I am not able to do what should be done.

SRI AUROBINDO: It was from your description of the reaction that I said there was a vital demand. In the pure psychic or spiritual self-giving there are no reactions of this kind; no despondency or despair, no saying “What have I gained by seeking the Divine,” no anger, revolt, abhiman, wish to go away — such as you describe here — but an absolute confidence, and a persistence in clinging to the Divine under all conditions. That is what I wanted you to have; it is the only basis on which one is free from troubles and reactions and goes steadily forward.

(21.6.33)