Living in The Presence

This evening was to be our programme. The 1^st December programme was for us like an offering of adoration. We did not feel as if we were going to perform, it felt like it was a day of adoration, of puja as we say in India. It was an important, significant occasion as it was an opportunity for us to live in Sri Aurobindo's Presence. For the entire day, we tried to remain in that state of consciousness.

    The programme started in the evening. Our recitation of Ascent and Descent marked the opening. I had to recite the first lines. The programme did not take place at the Theater then, but at the Playground. The Mother sat right in front of the stage in a chair. On either side of the Mother sat Amiyo-da, Gauri-di, Minnie-di, Millie-di, Priti-di and Violette-ji. Four of us, Arati-di, Light, Chhanda and I, dressed in white Georgette sari and white blouse, stood on the stage ready for the programme to begin. The curtains had still not been drawn. Arati-di and I stood near the front lights downstage, upstage stood Light and Chhanda. All four of us stood in deep concentration remembering the Mother. Then a gong was sounded and the curtains began to slowly open. The Playground was packed. Almost the whole of the Ashram was present to witness the programme. I began the recitation:

Into the Silence, into the Silence,
Arise, O Spirit immortal,
Away from the turning Wheel, breaking

the magical Circle.

    I continued reciting. Then I suddenly forgot a part of a verse. I don't remember which line exactly, but I do remember that I could see from where I was standing the two windows of Gauri-di's room and that there were some people watching our programme from there. I was looking in their direction, and then suddenly I felt I could see on the wall of Gauri-di's room, very hazily, two feet. Nothing else but these two hazy feet on the grey coloured wall. Seeing the feet, I felt as if Sri Aurobindo was standing there, dressed in a dhoti. He was slim in appearance and had worn the dhoti in the Bengali style. I could see a little of the dhoti near His feet. It was a little hazy and unclear, but I could see Him.

Before I could look at the upper part of His body, the figure vanished. My experience of Him was unmistakable, though. For a few seconds, all my consciousness was focused on that heavenly luminous sight of Lord Sri Aurobindo. I kept staring in that direction longing to catch sight of His face. But that was not to be. My focus slowly shifted back to the recitation and the programme. I remembered I was reciting a poem. My part was now over. Arati-di, who was standing on the same side as me, began reciting. Even as I stood on the stage, all kinds of thoughts began crossing my mind. I must have certainly interrupted my recitation on seeing Sri Aurobindo, I thought. What was I doing during that time, then? I clearly remember starting the recitation. But what happened afterwards? Had I truly seen that hazy figure of Sri Aurobindo or was it merely my imagination? Can a girl like me be blessed with such good fortune? No, that's impossible! And similar thoughts invaded my mind in an endless train! I was not focused at all on the other girls' recitations. As I stood on the stage, inwardly I was burning with repentance and pain. The recitation finally came to a close. Without exchanging a word or glance with anyone, I got down from the stage and went directly to the green-room in order to prepare myself for the next item which was a dance choreographed by Anu-ben. I had a small part in it too. While Millie-di was helping me get ready, I was lost in a thousand thoughts. What had I done.? I had stopped my recitation mid-way because I was carried away by this darshan of Sri Aurobindo! How much time the Mother had accorded me to help me prepare for this recitation! It had all gone to waste! How could I do such a thing in front of Her, in front of so many people? For this particular 1^st December programme, there were several small items. Once the programme was over, it was at last our turn to go and see the Mother.

down endlessly. No words came out of me. The Mother held my chin with Her right hand and I looked up at Her with watery eyes. That familiar enchanting smile adorned Her lips, as She kept looking at me. There was neither anger nor any kind of reproach in Her look, just compassion! Gently laughing, She said, "Why are you crying? Your recitation was fine! While your inner being was having that experience, your outer being continued with the recitation. You did not make a single mistake in the recitation. You did well."