Living in The Presence

In The Grip Of Jealousy

    I went to see the Mother on 15^th December, the day after my birthday. I had seen the Mother only from a distance on my birthday. I had never imagined that a birthday could be so full of pain. On the 14^th afternoon, when the Mother was to go out of the Ashram, I had gone, like every day, to stand near the staircase door next to Nirod-da's room in order to catch a glimpse of Her. The Mother came out punctually but She did not look in my direction, She did not wish me Bonne Fete as She normally would do. From here, I went to the Tennis-ground and there too, the Mother did not look at me. When in the evening it was time for Her to return from the Playground, I went and stood near the staircase door, hoping this time at least to be seen by Her. My whole being was restlessly eager to receive a gracious, compassionate gaze from Her. She arrived and turned Her eyes on me; a long, penetrating significant look. But She did not smile, nor did

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    Mother - (She was holding some Transformation flower in Her left hand which She off ered to me)If this kind of revolt does not recur in you again then I shall forgive you. But if this were to recur, then I will not forgive you. This revolt is very bad.

    I - Mother, I do try not to get caught by this revolt. It is the last thing I myself desire. But when the actual moment arrives...

    Mother - Then everything disappears, doesn't it? But my dear child, that is what you need to develop, will-power. If you are not able to do it at that time, then call me or visualize that I am standing before you. Then you will never be able to do such a thing. This is where the mind's determination comes into focus. (The Mother placed Her hanol over my heael and shook it) There will be no more difficulty. It is finished.

    I - (very emotionally) Mother, will I ever get transformed?

   

    Mother - I hope it happens, my Child. That is why you are here, isn't it.? (Taking my hands in a very meaningful way) We do not wish to see that revolt again. See you then, my child. Bonne Fête and aurevoir!

    I - Douce Mere, aurevoir.

    After that day's incident, this revolt never returned. With a still mind, I got back to my work and my studies. I tried to remember everything that the Mother had told me to do. That anger and jealousy I used to feel for others who could approach the Mother disappeared completely from my being.