Living in The Presence

My Dance At The Playground

It must have been one day in March in 1954. I cannot recollect the exact date. I had gone upstairs to have the Mother's darshan. She told me:

    The Mother - Charupada told me that you dance very well. I would like to see your dance.

    I - When, Mother?

    This proposal of hers sent such a wave of joyous thrill through me that the question flashed forth quite spontaneously. I had never expected such a thing from the Mother.

    The Mother - (after a moment's thought) Nolini will let you know the date.

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    Where was I to get the musical accompaniment? Although I had brought the notebook with the 'tabla-bols' for my kathak dance from Calcutta, who would be able to play these 'bols' And moreover dancing kathak on the sandy floor of the Playground was impossible. Suddenly I remembered that Chandana-di (Sanat-da's wife) who stayed on the first floor in Nanteuil, played the guitar very well and also had a small organ. I used to often go to their house and play the organ and sing songs of Rabindranath and Chandana-di would play whatever she had learnt on the guitar. Together we used to make short, simple compositions that were not so bad. Therefore, I requested Chandana-di to play some compositions on the guitar and I prepared some items to dance on them. Of course, I didn't know how to compose a dance then. I just knew how to move and lose my body to her music and rhythm. Thus, we prepared the programme we were going to show the Mother with regular rehearsals. The Darshan day arrived. After the March-past, I saluted the Mother and started the dance. Although Chandana-di played Western melodies, they sounded charming! After finishing the dance I went forward with Chandana-di and stood before the Mother. She sweetly smiled at us but did not say anything. After the Mother had gone back to Her room, I started walking towards Milli-di's green-room in order to change my costume. Before I could reach the green-room, I heard Mota-kaka's (Pranab-da's elder uncle, Charupada Bhattacharya) voice, "Shobha, the Mother is calling you!" On entering Her room, I saw Her sitting on a cushioned chair on the left. I went and sat down at Her Feet and bowed down. With a marvellous, gentle smile, She spoke.

    The Mother - You danced well. I liked it. (The Mother was sitting with some flowers in Her hand for me. Handing over the

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flowers, She remarked) What I liked best was that your whole body was dancing gracefully and in perfect rhythm. Your postures and movements were natural and effortless. I really liked that. Not like the usual dancers: like this... and like that... (The Mother imitates some funny movement with Her hands.)

    Both of us burst out laughing! Then the Mother looked into my eyes for some time and resumed,

    The Mother - You danced very well but your entire body was shaking. You had become self-conscious and nervous.

    I - Yes, Mother. For some reason I was very self-conscious. (Placing both my hands on Her Feet) A fierce battle was raging within me.

    The Mother - Why is that?

    I - My sweet Mother, there are a lot of boys who are fond of me. (Hesitating a little, then) I don't know what to do with them. They follow me everywhere I go. They express their love in silence and I too quietly reject it. My not responding and withdrawing hurts them. Some of them are really badly hurt. Naturally, I too feel some sort of pain because of that. I don't know Mother, how I should be with them. Today, just before starting my dance, I noticed they were standing in different corners and watching me. I didn't want all these thoughts as I was going to dance in front of You but still between Your Presence and their unsolicited presence there was a lot of agitation. That is why my body was shivering a little. (Sadly) My sweet Mother, I was not able to offer myself completely to You.

    The Mother - But you danced well. (She looked silently into my eyes for some time and then continued) I know that some boys like you. You cannot give yourself to all, you have to choose. ( The Mother once again looked at me intently.) This is normal for artists. The best thing is to lose oneself in one's art, to be totally identified with one's art, in a profound way. Here, we have another lofty ideal. That is to focus totally on the Divine and not on human beings - to be completely absorbed in Sri Aurobindo's Presence, in the Presence of our Lord. When you sing or dance, since you do both, sing and dance as if you were in front of Sri Aurobindo. Try to offer your art to Him,

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to your Lord. Then no other thought of a human being will come your way. (The Mother gave me some more flowers and then taking both my hands into Hers, spoke once more) That is the best solution. To offer your art to the Divine.

    I - (Touching the Mother's Feet) Does the Divine come to accept our offering?

    The Mother - Most certainly. But the offering has to be true and total. (The Mother looked at me again intently) For this year's 1^st December programme, the School's anniversary programme, I would like to include your dance. Don't make it too long, say 15 or 20 minutes. I will ask Sunil to compose the music for your dance.

    I - Mother, should I do it in kathak style? I have learnt only kathak.

    The Mother - No, no, not any fixed style. The way you danced spontaneously today, dance like that. Dance in your style.

    After getting Her blessing I came out of Her room. That day's experience is still as fresh as ever, to this day. I remained in the Playground for some time: there were still a lot of people and I could hear Pranab-da's powerful voice; the door to the Mother's room, the map of India and so many other sights floated before my eyes. These were all earthly sights and yet they felt unearthly. It all felt so different. Though an ordinary human being, I seemed to be wandering in some other world. The Playground itself turned into an extraterrestrial world! I do not know if I am able to convey my experience. Just a few moments in the Mother's Presence and everything changed. I became another person.

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