Living in The Presence

My Programme-loving Self

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    Even after coming to Pondicherry, I immersed myself in dance and music. And quite soon after my arrival at the Ashram, the Mother asked me to take part in the 1st December programme. After joining Anu-ben's classes, I took part in the annual programme of the School almost every year. Apart from this, I also took part in some English dramas, playing small roles, or in English recitation. These programmes gave me a lot of joy and satisfaction. When Sahana-di put on a show, she used to make me participate as one of her students.

    When I took up the charge of organising Sangeetmala, apart from the recorded song-programmes, I also began doing programmes on stage. In those days, Roshan Ghosh used to occasionally come for the Mother's darshan from Kodaikanal with her husband Hiranmoy Ghosh. Roshan-ben was a Bharatanatyam dancer and performed here a few times. Nandita and myself used to help her with the music for the programme. As we used to be part of Sangeetmala in organising recorded programmes of vocal and instrumental music, whenever a visiting troupe of music or dance from outside needed some help with the music, we were called upon to assist.

    About Sangeetmala, most of these programmes that were recorded happened in the Library. When this responsibility fell upon my shoulders, I began to feel my days filling up with too many activities. Throughout the year, I was busy with my classes, sport activities, Sangeetmala work and some programme or the other. Once, finding the right opportunity, I asked the Mother, "My being always wants to be busy with something or the other, with some creative activity, some cultural programme. In the midst of dance, music and theater, I derive profound joy and enthusiasm. I feel they are the very stuff of my being! It cannot survive without these. I know, Mother, that all this is but a play of the Outer nature. This attraction projects us from the inner to the outer world. And yet, I cannot keep myself away from it. Tell me, Mother, if these activities, dance, music, theatre, are harmful for my sadhana?"

    Mother - No, not at all. (silence, at if in deep thought) A cultural programme has two aspects, one is mastering the

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    I placed both my hands on the Mother's feet and said, "Will you, Mother, always answer my call in this way? Always and forevermore! My sweet Mother, please answer my call always!" The Mother gave me some flowers called Simple Sincerity and concentrated on me for quite some time. Then, She said, "That is the key."

    As part of Sangeetmala I began doing some minor live programmes of music too. I would like to share with you a letter I wrote to the Mother about one such programme in 1963 (6.6.63):

    Sweet Mother,
    On the occasion of Sri Aurobindo's birthday, we would like to present a programme of 90 minutes on 16th August. We request you for your permission. Here are the items we would present:

    1. Chorus: Our Mother of the universe. Lyrics by Robi Gupta. Singers: Amarendra, Anugata, Hamsa, Manindra, Minoti, Nandita, Smriti, Sukumar, Swadhin, Runu, Rajarshi.

    2. Savitri: English recitation. Who: recitation. Directed by Amita. Voices: Amala, Hema, Rina, Sunita, Bulbul, Munnu, Nanda, Samata, Abhijit Gupta, Ananda Reddy, Siddharth, Vijay, Kireet, Prabhat, Stephen.

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    4. Rabindra Sangeet: Sahana's group: Manoj, Vishweshwar, Ira, Smriti, Chhanda, Tublu.

    5. A Vision of Science: a poem by Sri Aurobindo: Directed by Norman Dowsett, Arati, Amita. Voices: Jules, Arunbishnu, Sudha Anand, Reba, Dipu, Namita S, Gauri Gupta.

    6. Surrender by Sri Aurobindo: Recitation by Arati, dance by Shobha.

    7. Sri Aurobindo's photo will be projected on the cyclorama. Meditation with the Mother's organ music (5 minutes).
We pray for your permission and help.
Our pranam at Your feet.

The Mother's answer:
    If Nolini has no objection and if there is no other programme at the Theatre, you can go ahead.

    After getting Nolini-da's permission, I wrote to the Mother on 14.6.63 again:

Divine Mother,  
    I am Your obedient child. I do not know how to show my devotion to Sri Aurobindo and to You. We are eager to do the programme with Sri Aurobindo's writings. If we are unable to rise to the height of His writings, do forgive us.
    We pray for Your blessings and help. Pranam.  
    At Your feet,

    The rehearsals for the programme went on with one-pointed concentration. For some reason that I cannot recollect

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Divine Mother,
    The programme for the 15^th August is ready. We pray to do the programme on 14^th instead of 16^th August at the Theatre at 8.30 pm. I know the programme is starting a little late. Pranab has made a new rule: no program is to begin before 8.30. on any day except Saturday. It is not possible to do the programme on Saturday as the next three / four Saturdays are taken. As our programme is not very long we will end it by
10. We pray, Mother, for Your permission.

The Mother's answer: Fine.
    Here's another letter with regard to this programme:

Sweet Mother,
    We have observed a few times in the past, that the younger boys and girls make a lot of noise during a programme. They even loiter around. This disturbs the spectators considerably. Especially this time, the whole programme is based on the writings of Sri Aurobindo, like A Vision of Science, Savitri, Swapna (Bengali drama), Surrender, Who, etc. There will be nothing amusing in it for children. Do you feel, Mother, in View of this, we should put an age-limit? What should be that age-limit?

    We are doing this programme as an offering to Sri Aurobindo and You. We would, therefore, like the atmosphere at the Theatre to be one of silence and concentration. At the conclusion of the programme, we will project a photo of Sri Aurobindo and meditate for 5 minutes on Your organ music. It is especially in this light that we have raised this question concerning children.

    Mother, after getting Your view on this, I shall act accordingly.

    My pranam at Your feet,

Shobha

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    (Children below 12 will not be allowed.
    A total Silence is expected from the children present. Those Who break this rule will not be allowed in the future.
Blessings.

The Mother)

    Lat me end this chapter by recounting a small incident. For some reason, as I mentioned earlier, instead of doing this Programme on the 16^th, I had asked the Mother if we could do It on the 14^th of August. The Mother gave Her consent and Wrote on a small piece of paper: "Shobha's programme Will take place on 14^th August", and sent it via Nolini-da to the Persons connected with the Theatre work. Then I got news that Pranab-da had said that this programme could not take Place on 14^th August. Infuriated by this, I went at once to see Pranab-da. I was fuming inside, thinking, "What Cheek! That Pranab-da dares overrule the Mother's decision!" I went and Stood in Pranab-da's office. He started, "Shobha, Your Programme cannot take place on 14^th August. There is a Programme by the Group members on that day in the Playground." I retorted very angrily, "Pranab-da, doesn't the

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    The next morning, I got a message that Nolini-da wanted to see me. Hardly had I entered his room that he said very gravely, "Shobha, what you have done is most regrettable. The Mother wants you to go to Pranab and excuse yourself." I was still boiling, "Nolini-da, doesn't Mother's decision..." Nolini-da cut me short, "I don't want to hear any further! The Mother wants you to go to Pranab and excuse yourself." In that uncontrollable wrath, with that wounded pride, I had to go and tell Pranab-da, "I'm sorry, Pranab-da, I misbehaved with you. Please excuse me." Like an affectionate elder brother, our "Dada" poured his love on me now. "Shobhamoyi (usually, Pranab-da called me by this name when he was full of affection for me. When, for some reason, he was unhappy, he would address me as "Shobha") You have been at the Ashram for so long, don't you know that every year on 14^th August, there is a programme at the Playground in the evening? Why did you ask the Mother to fix your programme for that day?" Then, suddenly I realised the truth of his statement. So I told him, "It really completely escaped me, Pranab-da." Pranab-da continued, "Yes, Mother also said the same thing, that it had escaped Her. You Mother-daughter forget something, and then you vent your anger on me! Naturally I have to be hard." I replied, "Pranab-da, in that case, we'll do the programme on the 16^th." He was sitting in his chair and beside his table there was a pile of toffees. He filled his right hand with them and offered them to me, "Here, have some toffees!"

    This incident was a real eye-opener for me! Foolishly, I had brought down the Mother to our human level. I had presumed that with our petty, ordinary conduct we could disrespect Her, disobey Her. The Mother had shown me how very

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    Anyway, thanks to every one's effort, the programme 'Offering' dedicated to Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, passed off very beautifully. But I had to go through a lot of problems with my large group of participants when the date of the programme had to be changed from the 14^th to the 16^th of August. I had just started directing programmes then, and I had not acquired yet the experience or maturity needed for doing this. As the change of date had taken place so close to the day of the performance, several of the participants who were supposed to leave Pondicherry after the 15^th August Darshan were put to great difficulty. Finding myself in this disagreeable situation and faced with all these consequent problems, I too lost my patience and equanimity. To top that, my going to Pranab-da for forgiveness had been quite an unusual incident in my life. This made my behaviour with the others quite irritable and short-tempered. In the meantime, a rumour was going round the Ashram that the Mother had cancelled our programme. We could not go and see the Mother then, which made it impossible for me to ask or tell Her anything. In that state of mind, I finally penned a rather hopeless letter to Her, asking Her for forgiveness in view of having lost my self-control. Let me share with you Her reply:

(Shobha, my dear child,
    My strength is always with you to control yourself - you must learn to use it properly.

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    But let all those who have responsibility meet and take the final decisions and my blessings will be with you.
    With love.

The Mother)

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