Living in The Presence

In the year 1950, I came to Pondicherry around Durgapuja (mid-October) and stayed on for the November darshan. Like every year, I stood in the line to go up for the 24^th November darshan, taking with me big garlands of 'surrender' roses. I was very close to the darshan room. Like every year, this time too, I was totally concentrated because I was going for the darshan of Sri Aurobindo. The darshan of Sri Aurobindo was an altogether different experience which I cannot translate in words. It can only be understood by firsthand experience. The line had now reached the centre room. Soon I would be in front of Sri Aurobindo. Through the moving line I caught glimpse of Him from time to time. I noticed that Sri Aurobindo was looking at me through that moving line. I too had my eyes fixed on Him. So engrossed was I in Him that I hardly realized when the two persons before me moved. I looked fixedly at Him While He looked into me. I just placed the garlands before Him but, as if mesmerised, could not take away my eyes from Him. Usually, we used to stand before him for an instant or two at the most. One single look of His would give us such a profoundly moving experience at the physical level. After Sri Aurobindo had looked for a moment at a person, he would turn his gaze at the next person. This was the signal for us to move away from His physical Presence. I do not know what happened this time. I felt Sri Aurobindo kept His gaze fixed on me for a long time Without turning away. Quite evidently this experience of "a long time" must not have been longer than a few seconds but one thing is certain: this year's darshan of Sri Aurobindo lasted a little longer than that of the previous years. I felt His total concentration on me without any kind of distraction. Sensing that the line had stopped moving behind me, I began retreating with my eyes still fixed on Him, in order to go out of the Darshan room. I still felt Sri Aurobindo's eyes focused on me. Now I was near the door and almost out of the room. I saw Him close His eyes gently as if indicating that I could