Memories of First Darshan

A Kind of Electric Current

. . . I subscribed for the weekly Bande Mataram and afterwards — after his release from jail — for his Karmayogin and the Dharma (Bengali). Evidently I entertained a soft corner for Sri Aurobindo. . .

Sri Aurobindo left for Pondicherry in 1910. I completely lost touch and got engrossed in my mundane life for years together. It was only by the end of the 30s that I awoke again to Sri Aurobindo. That was occasioned by my younger brother visiting the Ashram and staying away there itself. I began to hear of Sri Aurobindo, the Ashram and the Mother. About the Mother I could not reconcile myself to how a European lady could establish herself as the Mother in Pondicherry Ashram and even more as the Divine Mother. I remember I once questioned a woman pilgrim on her way to Pondicherry whether Sri Aurobindo was greater or the Mother. This was my mental attitude at that time.

However, as I wished to see my brother I thought of paying a visit to the Ashram in 1943 and seeing things for myself. But that was not to be. I thought of it again the next year, in 1944. I had heard that for the necessary permission one had to write directly to the Mother. I had heard also that the Mother was being addressed as the Divine Mother. I was in a fix when I took the letter pad to write for permission. I simply wrote "Mother" and added: "I want to go to Pondicherry for Darshan but I have no devotional heart; a Darshan may have a salutary effect on me having a yearning to get a true knowledge of things." Writing so far I stopped and thought to myself what an audacity it was to write thus. Then I felt that these words had come out through the pen without my thinking and so I had better let them remain as they were, whatever the consequences. I am glad to say that I received the permission.

I came to Pondicherry on the 6th of August 1944, early morning. I saw the Mother at about 11 a.m. the same morning walking on the terrace along with Chinmayi and looking at the devotees assembled in the Ashram courtyard. I was also in the crowd. Mother had worn a silken gown and Chinmayi had held a silken umbrella over the Mother's head. I was not happy to see the Mother at that moment.

During those days Mother used to come on the terrace of Madhav's office at dusk every evening and stand there for a short meditation. In the courtyard below mats were spread and sadhaks used to join the meditation. When the Mother appeared on the terrace I looked at her and immediately a kind of electric current passed through my body; I saw my own mother's face appearing on the Mother's but immediately that face changed into the image of Goddess Jagaddhatri of our conception. This set me seriously thinking. I felt that as I did not want to recognise the Mother as Mother, she had appeared before me first as my own mother and then showed her divinity.

I stayed here for full 24 days and on three occasions I saw a bluish halo over the head of the Mother when she sat for meditation in the Meditation Hall at night.

My first Darshan of Sri Aurobindo along with the Mother was on the 15th of August 1944. Since then I have had 10 Darshans but the impression formed at the first Darshan is still vivid in my mind although each subsequent Darshan was fruitful for me.

- Rakhal Das Bose

(Breath of Grace, edited by M. P. Pandit, published by Dipti Publications, 2002, pp. 89-91)