Memories of First Darshan

SRI AUROBINDO’S DARSHAN

On the 20th the Mother called me to what was then the Meditation Hall on the first floor. I was happy not only because it would give me a chance of meeting Her, but also because I believed I would receive a new cotton sari (like the other sadhikas) to wear on the “darshan” day. I was always wearing the silk and georgette saris which I had brought with me, and feeling a bit odd among the Ashramites.

The Mother was smiling when I reached upstairs and went and stood at the place where that beautiful chair is now placed. There was somebody with Her, I do not remember who, unless it was Datta (Miss Dorothy Hodgson).

…opened the bundle this person was holding and, taking out a string of pearls, she slipped it over my head, and pulled the adjustment at the back till the necklace was of the right length. Then, taking some clothes from Her attendant’s hands, She gave them to me with Her charming smile, saying softly: “You must wear these when you come for ‘darshan’ tomorrow.” I was very much astonished (and also a bit disappointed) because I had not been given an Ashram sari to wear. I asked: “But why these, Mother?” The Mother looked into my eyes for a few seconds and said with Her sweet smile, “Because it is my wish.” What could I say after that? If She wanted me to be dressed differently I must accept Her wish with gratitude.I fell at Her feet and kissed them with love.

The silk sari along with the other articles had been part of what I had offered to the Mother with great joy. If it was Her wish that I should wear at least one full set from the articles that had made up my offering, nothing was left for me to say.

On the “darshan” day I went upstairs with Kekoo, who seemed quite calm and confident, whereas I was a bit shaky inside. At that time there were not many photographs of Sri Aurobindo, and the one or two I had seen were not very impressive. I thought of Sri Aurobindo to be somewhat superior to the sadhaks, but nothing more. Imagine my surprise when I saw Him sitting to the Mother’s left, on the long sofa (in the same hall), on which is now placed His single photo.

“Surprise” is hardly an appropriate word. I should say I was wonderstruck. For that was exactly what I felt. “If God can take a human form, it is surely this,” I said to myself. I felt so lowly and unworthy before Him that I did not even touch His feet. I made my “pranam” at a little distance. “Surely he is the supreme Divine, a true Avatar,” I said again to myself. He looked so majestic and marvellous, yet so compassionate, I simply stared in bewilderment. The Mother understood my embarrassed state and kept smiling sweetly. I felt like weeping but I controlled myself.

I went home, but a part of me remained with Them. I did not feel like doing anything except lying down quietly and living the experience once again from within. But I had to attend to my usual work at home.

A day or two later Mother sent for me. I was very happy. She opened the staircase door of the Meditation Hall Herself, and led me to the small room at the other end, which became the “darshan” room later. She seated Herself on the same sofa as the one which now holds Their large joint photo. At that time, this sofa was placed against the wall between the window and the door leading to Nirod’s present office-room upstairs. I made my “pranam” to Her and offered the bundle I had brought with me. The Mother opened it and said “Oh! You don’t want to keep these clothes?” “No, Mother,” I said. “They were already offered to you, but as it was Your wish that I should wear them on the ‘darshan’ day, I did so.”

She closed the bundle and put it aside; then taking my hand in Hers She said in a soft voice, “Sri Aurobindo was pleased with you. He told me all sorts of things I could teach you and make of you.”

At the mention of Sri Aurobindo’s name I started to feel what I had felt when I had stood in front of Him. Tears threatened to come out of my eyes. I bowed at the Mother’s sacred feet, saying: “A worthless creature like me!”

She blessed me for a long time and when I rose She took me to the door to see me off. I could not speak a word. I was so overwhelmed by Her love and kindness.

— Lalita