Memories of First Darshan

The Gaze of a God

In 1928, inspired by Krishna Shambhu, our manager Garde went to the Ashram for the November Darshan. He had a deep respect for Sri Aurobindo as a political leader but knew nothing about Yogi Sri Aurobindo. He returned from the Ashram with an unshakable faith in the divinity of Sri Aurobindo. One day he narrated his experiences at the Ashram. This is what he told us:

I reached Pondicherry on the morning of November 23 and was taken to an Ashram house. In the afternoon a sadhak came to me and said, "Come for the Mother's Darshan." The man further informed me, "We make Pranam at the feet of the Mother and she blesses us by putting her hand on our heads." I was from an orthodox Brahmin family. Also, I hardly knew anything about the Mother. I thought, "I have come here for Sri Aurobindo's Darshan. It would be better if the Mother didn't bless me." Thinking thus I reached the Ashram. In those days the Mother used to see people in the Library Room. When I bowed to her she didn't bless me and when I looked at her she said, "Sri Aurobindo will give Darshan tomorrow." I wondered, "Why did the Mother say this?" She must have known what was in my mind and heart because she didn't bless me, and also understood that I had come only for Sri Aurobindo's Darshan.

In those days every person had a fixed time for Darshan. While somebody went in for Darshan and Pranam, the next person awaited him on the stairs. No one was supposed to see another person doing Pranam. On the next morning while I was awaiting my turn, out of curiosity, I peeped from behind the door and my gaze settled on Sri Aurobindo. At the same moment Sri Aurobindo looked at me. Suddenly I saw a serious and frightening form of Sri Aurobindo — the Upanishadic words bheeshanam bheeshanam flashed into my inner being. Frightened I drew back and thought, "I did something forbidden and so it had to bring this retribution." Meanwhile my turn for Darshan came. After Pranam when I looked into the eyes of Sri Aurobindo I felt as if Sri Aurobindo's eyes were telling me, "If you want to know me you can know me through the Mother." And with this message some Power turned my neck towards the Mother. My eyes fell on the Mother who was looking at me with eyes full of infinite compassion. I did Pranam to the Mother and came out.

In late 1932 I received a letter from Krishna Shambhu. He suggested that I go to Pondicherry for the November Darshan.

. . .

In those days at 6 a.m. the Mother used to come to the Meditation Hall and receive the Pranam of the disciples. In the beginning there would be a meditation for five minutes and then everyone did Pranam. The seating arrangement of the sadhaks and the order in which they made Pranam was fixed. On the morning of November 17 I went to the Ashram with Krishna Shambhu. For a long time I sat and observed how the people made Pranam and how the Mother blessed them. This scene made a great impact upon me. When a soul offers its whole being at the feet of the Supreme Lord and when that Divine Being leans down and accepts its own individual manifestation into Itself, that impressive and luminous event is beyond description.

When my turn came I stood up and with a palpitating heart knelt in front of the Mother and placed my head on her feet. When she put her hand on my head in blessing I raised my eyes and looked at her. Oh! What is this! In front of my eyes was a large living image of the Mother made of white marble. She had very large penetrating eyes. I felt she was looking at each atom of my being inside and outside. "The Gaze of a God," — I remembered this description from a Bengali story. For a long time I felt as if something had touched all my limbs.

On November 24, at the fixed time, I went for Darshan. After offering Pranam, when I looked at Sri Aurobindo and the Mother, I saw two living images of white marble sitting on the throne. Both had large soul-touching eyes of Gods. My being filled with great faith and a divine light and something within said, "Uma, Maheshwar".

From my very first day in Pondicherry I felt as if I had entered a different world. Whole days passed in a strange yet felicitous way.

- Chandradeep

(How They Came to Sri Aurobindo and The Mother, Volume 3 by Shyam Kumari, published by Mother Publications, Bombay, 1990, pp. 113-15)