Memories of First Darshan

Their Presence: Vast and Unfathomable

I began my journey to Pondicherry, arriving on 11 August 1932.

In those days the main gate of the Ashram remained always closed. Outside the Ashram British spies kept constant vigil. Only in 1935 did this spying stop, due to the intercession with the Government by one of Sri Aurobindo's disciples, Duraiswami.

When I knocked at the Ashram gate, a sadhak serving as a watchman opened it and allowed me to enter. Then he asked, "What do you want?"

"I have come for the Ashram."

"Is anyone in the Ashram known to you?"

"No, but is Anilbaran Roy here? Could you see if he has received a letter about me?"

. . .

I asked the watchman for a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote a note to Anilbaran Roy which I gave to the watchman. I was told that Anilbaran did not see anyone or go out. Still the watchman told me to wait . . . .

At last Anilbaran Roy arrived and spared me about two minutes. I told him I had come to join the Ashram and requested his help. He told me I could write to Sri Aurobindo praying for permission for Darshan on August 15 and that he would deliver the letter and that the question of joining the Ashram would come later.

. . .

Darshan started. One by one sadhaks went upstairs. They were carrying flowers and garlands and many of them had envelopes in their hands. I thought that they were taking letters for Sri Aurobindo.

. . .

Anilbaran had earlier completed his Darshan and upon returning had assured me that he would come to take me upstairs when it was my turn. He came and gave me some flowers for offering. When he saw the letter in my hand, he told me that he would send it in the afternoon as now was not the proper time. I asked him, "What should I do in front of Sri Aurobindo and the Mother during Darshan?" He advised me to do whatever came from within.

On reaching upstairs I saw Sri Aurobindo and the Mother seated on a sofa. Their Presence was so vast and unfathomable that the whole of my being became submissive with reverence and gratitude. There was a Silence everywhere — so dense and complete that nothing could penetrate it. My inner being felt an indescribable glow of happiness. Somehow I was able to gather myself and move forward and surrender myself at their lotus feet. I felt the Mother was Parvati Uma and Sri Aurobindo was Lord Shiva blessing us upon the earth. I am a tiny human being, a small fry. How can I contain Sri Aurobindo — great like the Himalayas, vast like the ocean. But Sri Aurobindo was looking at me with divine compassion and the Mother was smiling with so much love and benevolence! It is beyond my capacity to express the feeling I had on that day.

- Yogananda

(How They Came to Sri Aurobindo and The Mother, Volume 3 by Shyam Kumari, published by Mother Publications, Bombay, 1990, pp. 245-50)