Recollections of Lalita related to her life & experiences at Sri Aurobindo Ashram. Also includes her life in Bombay especially her sadhana with cats.
The Mother : Contact
THEME/S
A LETTER TO THE MOTHER
At meditation this morning I tried to go within, and felt as if I were in the dome of a temple. There was a pale golden light pouring from above, which changed into deeper shades of gold, then rose-pink and orange, as it descended below.
My body was felt as something below. The higher I tried to climb the more intense grew the light. And I felt that something in the head had opened, and there was wideness, peace, and coolness above. I wanted the meditation to go on much longer, and just a few seconds before the gong was sounded I saw a pale gold light turn into a fire with many tongues and rise upward from the heart. Then the gong was sounded, but it took me some time to get into the body and to make it move.
The physical mind was not quite silent, still this experience went on side by side. Now what is left of the experience is a peace and a cool feeling from the top of my head down to my nose...
May they remain with me!
April 1982
Heart-broken and utterly depressed I came to You, my dearest Mother, feeling lost and forlorn. It was between 1 and 2 a.m. on the 20th November.
“Is this a defeat of the Divine?” I asked. Why did You leave Your body when all along we were expecting its transformation?
Life was not worth living any longer, for all my hopes and aspirations were centred in You. You were the heart of my heart, my sole guide and protector.
As I sat complaining thus and weeping inwardly near Your body which lay in state in the Meditation Hall, I felt a strong Force pulling me deep within myself until I lost all sense of time and space.
My physical mind, which is usually very active, ceased its noise. My body, which was full of pain and discomfort after a long and tiring journey, became so quiet that I was hardly aware of its presence.
Then slowly You appeared, as if from behind a veil. You were clad in a pale-gold robe. You looked young and beautiful — radiant with a brilliant white light.
This light was strongest round the head, circling it with an indescribable halo. It extended intensely down to the waist. Still lower, it was a little less bright. From Your body it spread out to the whole world.
Seeing me gaze at You in utter amazement, You smiled Your sweet and loving smile and said, “There is no defeat of the Divine. This too is a triumph leading to Glory.”
When You spoke these words I understood them perfectly; later when I tried to explain them in the mental way their precise meaning evaded me. Actually words as we know them were not uttered, but I could hear within me what was silently conveyed.
You added, “I have not left you and never will. Forget ego, give up self; live and work in harmony and unity for the Divine.”
Then, opening both Your palms and interlacing Your fingers, You finally said, “And the Advent will not be far.”
I was greatly heartened by Your Message. All sorrow and forlornness passed from me.
The vision withdrew as if You had gone into another room, and I gradually woke up and became conscious once more of time and space and all that they hold for us.
( Mother India Dec 1973)
Some people have lately expressed doubt about the presence and guidance by Sri Aurobindo and the Mother in these times. I should like to put on record a few recent experiences of mine.
A number of months back, when I was in very bad health and there was nobody near me to help me, I was lying on my bed and praying to the Mother for her help. I told her that if I died in this condition nobody would even know I was inside my room and they would have to break open the door to find out.
As I said this, suddenly I found that a powerful golden light had descended near my bed. I thought my neighbours had switched on their electric lamp but on opening my eyes I saw that it was about 11 a.m. and there was no electric light anywhere. I closed my eyes and prayed again, and the same experience repeated itself.
After this I have seen a beautiful white light near me (especially at night) and on March 29 it came right down to my feet.
Once I also saw a solid white light in front of me, but as I looked and made my “pranam” to it it was covered over with a black curtain which came from both sides as in a theatre. I call the light solid because it was just like that, and not transparent as on other occasions. Whatever the curtain may temporarily do, the Mother’s light is most concretely among us. No one need despair.
July 1977
AN UNUSUAL AND SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE
On the 14th of September while I was resting on my bed at about 2 p.m. I had a very unusual experience which struck me as highly significant.
There were two parts of my being, both dressed in a plain white sari and standing side by side. One was reading to the Mother something written on a white piece of paper, and the other which was standing to the right was weeping in a heart-breaking manner.
The Mother was there in front listening attentively to what was being read to Her, and shaking Her head from side to side. She too was dressed in white and, though She was full of love and compassion, there was a deep sorrow on Her face.
The most surprising part of the experience was that, as soon as I finished reading one para or one part of what was written, it slowly faded away, and another para or portion emerged to take its place. The writing was about what people were doing after the Mother’s withdrawal. Although She knew all about it, She was listening to everything read as if it were for the first time that She was hearing of it.
The writing was not composed by me, nor did I have any knowledge of what was written. I was only an instrument used for reading the passages that emerged on the page.
The other part of my being, which was weeping, was saying to itself, “Is this the way in which we repay You and all Your wonderful Love, Grace and everything You did for us—all that both You and our beloved Lord endured, suffered and accomplished for our sake?”
Never before had I seen two different parts of my being together, each doing its own work. The part that was weeping was so profoundly grieved that, even when I woke up suddenly, I could hear it crying deep down within my heart, and I had to make an effort to stop it. This was because, from the beginning of my contact with the divine Mother and Sri Aurobindo, I have never been able to bear anything by which they were made to suffer.
The present experience came to me spontaneously and most unexpectedly, to show me how much we hurt the Mother by going against Her Will, letting anything happen which might tend to undo Her great work. She has repeatedly assured us of Her constant presence watching over us. I have also been shown on various occasions how a drop of sincerity on our part and of consciousness of this presence can bring a flood of Her Love and Grace.
Nov 1977
During the night of January 23 I dreamt that I was in a big room in the same place as Sri Aurobindo’s room is at present. Many people were there. Some of them I knew, and others were strangers.
Sri Aurobindo was there seated on a chair or something else which was on a higher level than we. He was holding a volume of one of His own Centenary books. He was giving to each one an appropriate volume to study as a help to their sadhana.
As I could not find the Mother, though I looked everywhere, I asked someone about it, and I was told: “Sri Aurobindo has said that as the Mother had worked very hard and suffered a great deal, He wants Her to take rest, and He is Himself attending to all the work now. He has a personal relation with everybody in the same intimate way as the Mother, and is attending to the true need of everyone individually.”
No sooner was the word “intimate” uttered by the person who was telling me these things than I felt a subtle hand touch my chest—and I understood that it was Sri Aurobindo’s hand and what He meant was perhaps that He was working in me through my psychic being. His touch gave me a sweet feeling of joy and devotion.
After this, I passed on to receive my volume and woke up. I looked at my watch and found that it was exactly twelve o’clock midnight. Twelve, as I learnt later from a friend, is Sri Aurobindo’s number.
I made my “pranams” to the Lord and prayed that we might all be worthy of this supreme Grace and help, and learn to do our sadhana more sincerely.
April 1978
OUR TROUBLES AND THE MOTHER’S INSIGHT
One morning I asked the Mother from within, “What brings about so often such a lot of difficulty in one’s outer day-to-day life? Is it some fault for which one is thus punished—or is there some other reason? I have asked this question to you many a time but you have not given me an answer yet. Please tell me why one has to suffer here?”
I looked at the Mother’s big photograph that is always on my table, and she was only smiling sweetly as usual.
Then I took up the book Questions and Answers 1953 not with any hope of finding an answer there but simply to distract my troubled mind. I opened it at random. I lighted on page 159 and my eyes fell on the long paragraph which is given below in part:
“If you come to the spiritual life with a sincere aspiration, sometimes an avalanche of unpleasant things falls upon you...
“It is for very sincere people that the thing takes such a form. Fundamentally, the avalanche of troubles is always for sincere people. Those who are not sincere receive things with the most beautiful bright colours just to deceive them, and then in the end to enable them to find out that they are mistaken! But when someone has big troubles, it proves that he has reached a certain degree of sincerity.”
I was much heartened to read these lines, and I am giving them to Mother India that all who may be in one kind of trouble or another may read them and take consolation.
“Is this your answer?” I asked the Mother in the photograph. But she was only smiling in her usual sweet way as much as to say, “What else can it be?”
Oct 1978
2 DECEMBER 1978
Although one of my friends had repeatedly requested me not to miss this year’s Physical Demonstration at the Sportsground, I was not very enthusiastic about going. Firstly because I needed someone to accompany me and secondly because I was afraid that it might rain at any time, and so make me all wet as it had done last year. But I left it to the Mother to decide and arrange everything. Evidently it was Her wish that I should go. So I found a suitable companion who took me there at the right time.
No sooner were we seated on our seats than I commenced to feel happy. I watched with keen interest each and every item and, as I was doing so, I felt the Mother’s Presence more and more concretely, which, I am sure, others too felt.
Something in me widened, and my whole being was filled with an intense love for all the participants. I felt as if my two arms were encircling all of them and holding them close to my heart. I forgot the existence of my body. I was only a soul filled with love and admiration for all these children.
When the sports were over and I heard the Mother’s voice, a sob escaped from my heart and tears threatened to well up in my eyes. But I controlled myself and looked at the sky.
Immediately something in me widened and prayed to the Mother to raise me above all outer circumstances, and keep ever before my soul and inner eye the high aim for which we are all here.
Then came dinner time and as I was standing with the others and talking, I felt a sudden and intense whirling of a Force overhead. It was dotted with gold-and-white Light, which I could see with my eyes open although really by an inner vision.
I felt as if I would faint and lose all awareness of my body. With great difficulty I controlled myself and behaved in the normal way. If I had allowed the Force to pull me inward (as it seemed to want to do) I would have fallen down and put my friend in trouble.
I asked myself whether something was going wrong with me owing to the tablets I was taking at times, which had been prescribed by the doctor. Then I remembered that I had not taken even half a tablet during the two previous days. It was only the Mother’s Force at work everywhere, of which I had suddenly become conscious.
March 1979
On the night of the 13th April, I went to bed early (as I am forced to do these days, owing to the pain in my knees).
As usual I concentrated on the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, and longed to go to them in the subtle-physical. But I could not do it. When I was fast asleep, I had an extraordinary dream-experience. I found myself in the front line of a large army which was facing another army.
I was clad in a steel armour, a steel helmet, and was holding a sword or a spear in my right hand. I was on horseback and prepared to charge as soon as we received the order from our general to do so.
Strange to say, a fine handsome man, who was the leader of the opposing army, stepped forward and had a long talk with our leaders. He was said to be not only a great general but also a very experienced and clever diplomat. And thanks to his intervention the impending battle was stopped, and the army ordered to disperse. From the talk which I overheard I knew that I was in France and that the time was that of the great Joan of Arc.
So strange and vivid was this experience that even after waking up it took me several hours to start my normal work in the house. I asked myself again and again how a weak and cowardly person like me could have been a warrior in the far past. But there was no mistaking the experience, which had come so spontaneously. And if I had not read in Sri Aurobindo’s letters how a soul which has chosen one sex for its general evolution can sometimes change to the other in order to undergo certain experiences for its development, I would never have believed this dream experience to be true.
In my life I have known many a member of the male sex (like my late husband Mehelli) who was much more of a woman than a man. And it was the opposite case with my mother-in-law. She had great strength, courage, and a capacity for endurance, so I told myself not to feel weak and discouraged because of these physical disorders, but to go on with the Divine’s work in whatever way I could.
In the last few years I had found myself in many other places in my dreams. Sometimes it was in Egypt or in Italy or else other places, but no experience was so strong as the one I had on this night which has left me amazed.
I may add that when I woke up I felt centred deeply in the heart-region. From this I infer that it was the psychic being, the inmost soul, that had brought the memory of a past life. Both Sri Aurobindo and the Mother have told us that it is the psychic being that carries memories of the past-life occasions when it has suddenly emerged and joined with the outer self.
July 1983
A LESSON FROM A “TRIVIALITY”
Shortly after my arrival at the Ashram in 1927 I found that the food was very simple. I thought that salt and a little pepper were the only things used with the vegetables and rice. I tried my best to eat well but did not succeed, so I decided to speak to the Mother about it. And one day when I had finished manicuring her nails I said to her: “Mother dear, will you permit me to send for some pickles from my father, and eat them with my food? I find the Ashram food tasteless, and cannot eat it properly.” “Pickles?” said the Mother, and added, “Wait a minute.” She got up from the sofa and went to the adjoining room and returned with a small jar and said: “Take this, somebody has sent it for Sri Aurobindo, but he does not wish to take it. You may find it useful.”
I took the jar, thanked her, made my pranam and went home. I placed it on my table and told myself that I would open it later and eat the pickle. But the desire to eat it completely left me, and however much I tried I could not bring myself to open the jar. So after a few days I took it back to the Mother and told her: “Mother dear, I am sorry, but I felt no inclination to eat this pickle, nor any other, so I am returning it to you.”
The Mother smiled in her charming way, embraced and kissed me, and took the jar back, and gave me her hand for manicuring.
Thus was a strong desire removed from my consciousness and I felt very free and happy. Even today I cannot bring myself to eat any pickle nor even any spicy food.
Nov 1985
A LETTER
For a long time now, I have been reading Sri Aurobindo’s books, mostly Letters on Yoga. I wish I had known them before. What I have learnt from these letters would have prevented me from doing many wrong things. And now too I was forced by circumstances to read them. Because of the almost constant pain in my knees due to arthritis I could do very little work, or play the organ (which I liked doing very much). I could play the piano a little, but not much because of the operation I had undergone for the cataract in my right eye. The left eye too has a growing cataract.
I remember so well how wonderfully pleased the Mother used to be whenever I looked at Sri Aurobindo when he came to her room to show her something or other. He looked intently at me, and it was I who turned my eyes away in order not to take his time.
His voice and gait were like those of a great emperor, and I could never forget them. So you can imagine what a shock it was for me to read his Tales of Prison Life, recently republished by Sri Aurobindo Pathmandir, Calcutta, in S.K. Ghose’s translation.
I knew nothing about Sri Aurobindo’s life prior to his coming to Pondicherry. My father was completely devoted to the British and took great care that his family should be kept away from the influence of Indian Nationalism. So I had never even heard of Sri Aurobindo at that time. But after I came to the Ashram he and the Mother became all in all to me. When I started reading Tales of Prison Life, I was so grieved and shocked at the inhuman treatment my Master had received in jail. “Oh, my beloved Lord, how could they treat you like that?” I cried out.
That very night, during my sleep, I saw Sri Aurobindo standing before me with a most tender and benevolent smile on his face.
My heart opened, I saw a disk of white light inside. It was not brilliant but shining all the same, and it was not in the body but deep within my being. My body was weeping unconsolably but this light within was not touched. I kept sobbing and Sri Aurobindo tried to console me. But I continued to weep. Then I came out slowly from this dream-experience. I felt a strange difference in the consciousness, a great help and progress within. I am told what I had seen in my innermost depth was my psychic being, my true soul in a symbolic shape. This was the first time I had realised the deepest entity within as an independent presence distinct from my ordinary being.
Dec 1985
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