Mother and Me

My Dream

All of us dream. Different reasons and values have been attached to dreams from time to time. Whether you like them or not, dreams do occur. We might forget them; but dream we must. I am not talking of day-dreaming. I am NOT talking about nightmares — which at times haunt us and are the result of overwhelming stress. I am not talking about pleasant dreams of romanticism either which are often about unrequited responses from the world.

I am talking about certain dreams that have a tremendous influence on you. I am talking about dreams which are a foresight, a foreknowledge of things to come. A sort of premonition. It is said that they are usually related to conscious or unconscious fears of events which you do not want to happen. But there are certain dreams which bear no relation to any underlying fears, perhaps unconscious ones, but certainly not any rational ones.

In my case, it happened once around 1962. At that time we were staying a little away from the Ashram since we had to vacate the old house and were obliged to shift. It was there I had a dream in which I saw the Mother. It was a simple dream. It must have been about 3:00 A.M. But it was a dream! I woke my wife and described it to her.

“I saw someone who came to call me urgently to the Ashram because the Mother was not well. And so, I immediately rushed there and went upstairs to the room where she lived. All I remember were her feet! Her bare feet; and on the left foot and part of the leg, I saw a big dark hemorrhagic patch with considerable telangiectasis which often occurs as a result of blockage of circulation and can be very painful. In simple language, a big dark blotch of blood vessels! The moment I touched her feet, I awoke.”

I experienced peculiar sensations in my body for a little while but they disappeared later. However, I could not go back to sleep.

During those days, ‘A’ was the Mother’s secretary. I sought an appointment with him the same evening since it was a bad dream and I was feeling rather uncomfortable! If it was true, then the Mother must be extremely uncomfortable, if not in severe agonising pain. He asked me to come the next day to know the “response from the Mother.” I got a verbal one — nothing in writing — perhaps because I had also not given anything in writing.

The message was clear — I was told that the Mother had smiled and said, “There are good and evil forces which continue to hover around us. What experience you had was the effect of one of the evil forces. But it is transitory and will pass off; there was nothing to worry.” So I forgot the entire episode and tried to put it out of my mind.

Sometime in 1966 (I don’t remember the exact day), I was called by Dr. S. to look at the Mother who had fever and the diagnosis was not clear. This was my first opportunity to physically examine the Mother.

She was so delicate and frail; yet she had great strength and nerves of steel and a super-strong mind. She had developed a kyphosis, and unable to breathe deeply, had developed pulmonary infection and this also affected her urinary system. To my mind, this was her physical ailment. It was nothing serious and the disease was easily treatable. I advised her to take a combination of antibiotics, inhalations, and breathing exercises and she recovered soon thereafter. Nothing very special about it.

But what was important to me was a cheeky scientific inquiry I wanted to conduct. I wanted to know if she had some sort of patch on her leg! So I requested the Mother to show her feet. She was such a simple and accommodating patient, she readily agreed and when her white socks were removed — lo and behold — there were two healthy feet with slightly bent toes. There was no sign of any patch I had seen in my dream. So I put her socks back on and came out. The first thing I told my wife was how stupid I was to have dreamt such a false dream. She did make fun of me about my imagination.

Till then my perception of the Mother was that she was a highly respectable and adorable person. I considered it my sacred duty to see her. It was only later this perception changed. Almost two years later something happened which completely changed my outlook of her.

By this time, I had started visiting her every Wednesday and Saturday in the evenings to be at her bedside. It became a routine. A pleasant routine, since it gave me an opportunity to feel her presence both physically and emotionally, and on many occasions to hear her slow golden bass voice and join her hearty laughter. I was already well established as her doctor-attendant.

It was December 1970. I had returned to my house at JIPMER when I received an intimation that the Mother was not well and I should come immediately.

It was around 11:30 at night when I reached her room and saw she was in agonizing pain. Each attack was followed by a period of abject quiet — she appeared withdrawn as if nothing had happened. She blinked her eyes and responded to my questions. It was clear that she was suffering agonizing pain and was trying to suppress it completely.

I gave her a thorough check-up and to my utter astonishment, I discovered she was getting a pinkish patch on her left leg. It was clear she was developing some sort of obstruction in her femoral vessels (the main blood vessels which carry blood to the lower limbs and return to the heart through a big vein). It was most probably due to thrombosis. If there was a thrombus, I prayed, let it stay there and not pass on to the lungs as it could be fatal. I spent the whole night and part of the next day with her. I treated her with heparin and aspirin. And during the night, a big dark patch appeared on her left leg — exactly as I had dreamt almost eight years earlier! I was shocked to the core and totally spellbound.

Sitting in the corner of her room, tears started rolling from my eyes unconsciously. Then I realized that at some time, somewhere in some world, I must have been her son, mother, father or someone very close, otherwise this could not have happened. How could I dream an event that was destined to take place almost eight years later! By morning her pain had lessened and she did not want to take any further medications and went to sleep.

I returned home feeling peculiar and morose. I realised that our relation had become very close and deep and I surrendered totally to her and considered her as my own mother. This was to bring everlasting pleasure in my life. Was my dream a mere coincidence? I do not know; but for me, it was a truly fascinating and wonderful experience.

Irrespective of what others have written, I normally do not believe in miracles. If I cannot explain a phenomenon on solid scientific basis, I term it as an inexplicable event rather than a miracle. There cannot be an effect without a cause. Even God has not made this world and universe without a reason. There must be something we do not know which is behind all this.

It is not a miracle that so far, large bodies of cosmic debris have not hit our world (yet). And if it did, as is presumed in the past, it must have been due to some factor. Often my friends asked me if I believed that the Mother performed miracles. I sincerely do not know. As and when people talk about miracles having been performed by Sri Aurobindo and the Mother or someone else, I consider it as their own experience and have no business to either accept or refute it. I sincerely believe that absence of evidence does not preclude absence of a fact.

Miracles are often described and subscribed by people based on their own viewpoints and comprehensions. As the Mother used to say and to quote Sri Aurobindo, people give the name of miracle only to interventions in the material or the vital world and these interventions are often mixed with ignorant and arbitrary movements.

No, I do not think or did not see any “miracle” being performed by the Mother. Whether she was capable of doing so, I do not know; but during the years that I was with her, she never performed any miracle that I know of. Of course there were occasions when she could foresee and predict them — but these cannot be considered miracles. I think it is possible for any evolved mind to analyze the environment and predict many forthcoming events.

Once I had an appointment with the Mother at 7:30 P.M., but I could not make it in time. I was coming from Madras and unfortunately, our vehicle broke down on the way. The Mother’s attendants were a little perturbed when fifteen minutes had passed and I had still not showed up. Not keeping time was anathema to the Mother. I was late by more than an hour. So I went straight to the Mother’s room without stopping at my residence in JIPMER. When I entered the Mother’s room at 8:40, everyone looked at me with a smile on their faces. The Mother was in contemplation with her eyes closed and her head bent down. After a little while, when she broke her silence and looked at me, there was a faint smile on her face.

Later on I asked “D” the reason for their smiles when I entered the room. He informed me that when I was late, they were all worried and she had smiled and said, “Do not worry about the doctor. He will come at 8:40.” When they worried about my meal, she said, “Don’t worry about that. He will get good food wherever he goes.” I wish she had also said, “He will get a good place to sleep” because since then I do get very good food, but not a good place to sleep.

She has compensated for it by giving me a very deep sleep. So I can sleep anywhere!

Now would you call this a miracle? I thought it could be clairvoyance. Why I have devoted so much to this seemingly minor episode is because the Mother had asked me to have dinner in her room at 7:30 P.M.! A rare act of kindness and love.