In 1953-54, the Mother used to come to the Playground after Her game of tennis. In the Playground, in the room closest to the street on the eastern side, She would meet sadhaks and sadhikas, visitors and workers of the different Ashram departments as and when the need arose. Those

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of us who had embraced a life of sadhana in the Ashram would face all kinds of difficulties. I will share with you very frankly the ones that were mine. I had resolved to live in the Ashram; however, I was but an ordinary girl who was subject to desires and expectations. Like any normal young girl (I was at that time just 21) all the movements of nature were present within me. And yet, somewhere in some recess of my being, a little flame of aspiration began to rise at that age: I want to change this nature of mine. I want to become something else, another type of human being. It was perhaps because of this little flame of aspiration within me, that Sri Aurobindo and the Mother had given me refuge here. As I mentioned earlier, we faced all kinds of obstacles and difficulties in our life here. When I noticed within myself too some such doubts and questionings, I told the Mother that I had some questions and that I wished to share these with Her. Through Nolini-da She informed me that on 6^th June at 6 in the evening, She would see me in the interview room. I wrote down on a piece of paper what I wished to tell Her and taking this with me I went and stood in front of the interview room on the assigned date and time.

The Mother came to the Playground. She first went to Her room next to the map of India. I was waiting eagerly for Her at the entrance of the interview room. This was to be my first long interview with the Mother after coming to the Ashram from Calcutta. The Mother will hear me, lend Her ear to my ordinary human difficulties, what will She say in response? Will She get angry? Will She scold me? Do other girls also go through such difficulties? How do they handle them? Those who are spared from such difficulties are indeed blessed. All these thoughts were going through my head. Then I noticed the Mother coming out of Her room and walk in my direction. The Mother normally walked very fast, within seconds She was close to me and seeing Her, my heart was filled with an unimaginable joy. That day the Mother was wearing a salwar kameez that I had offered to her on my Birthday with Silence flowers embroidered on the kameez. I

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had myself embroidered the flowers. In this hand-embroidered dress, in every stitch was present my love and my devotion to the Mother. In the way I had drawn the Silence flowers and embroidered them, lay hidden the prayerful aspiration of my birthday. I felt fulfilled as the Mother entered the room and sat in Her chair. I got in and silently sat down at the Mother's feet. I bowed my head at Her feet and offered the flowers to Her. Then our conversation began. The Mother looked at me with an enchanting smile.

Mother - So, what is your question?

I - Mother, is it necessary to have an outer relationship with you?

    Mother - Outer relationship! What do you mean? Here I have an outer relationship with everyone. They all come to me daily and go back with the flowers I give them.

     I - No, Mother, I don't mean that. What I meant is a close relationship.

    Mother - Oh! That is not necessary all the time. What is truly needed is to build an inner relationship with me. Keep always trying to build that relationship. Always try to feel my presence deep within you.

    I - Yes, Mother, I do try to remember you all the time, but...

    Mother - But you cannot keep me there.

I - No, Mother, sometimes I can, sometimes I cannot.

    Mother - You have to keep practising this. That is extremely necessary otherwise someone can stay close to me for many years but his concentration will be elsewhere.

    I - Mother, you had once said in the class that many have the aspiration, but they lack the receptivity. That is why your force cannot work in them.

    Mother - (Looking straight into my eyes) I said that many have the aspiration, they aspire and I even send my force to them but they are unable to receive that force because they lack receptivity.

I - Sweet Mother, am I too like them?

Mother - No.

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I - Mother, I feel the stirrings of aspiration within me, but...

    Mother - But you do not get any answer to that?

    I - (Hesitatingly) No, Mother, not quite. I am unable to understand whether I am receiving something!

    Mother - Listen, do you remember the condition you were in when you came here?

    I - Yes, Mother.

Mother - Are you able to understand the condition you are in now?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Now do you see any difference between the two states?

    I - Yes, Mother, a big difference!

Mother - Then, that is your receptivity. Do you understand, had you not been receptive, you would have remained in the same state as you came in. You would not have reached this state today. No, no my dear child, you are receptive.

I - Sweet Mother! (touching the Mother's feet) So I am receptive! (And my joy spilled over!)

The Mother looked at me for a long time in silence, concentrated on me, and during this time that the Mother was concentrating on me, I had an unusual experience, an experience I had not had before. I felt as if I did not exist at all, my body was not there. Even though I was sitting in front of the Mother, I felt as if I was not there. As if I had become one with the Mother. There was only the Mother, only Her. Then, slowly, I returned to my normal state. I realised I was sitting in front of the Mother for the interview. I became conscious and resumed my conversation with Her.

I - Mother, Sri Aurobindo has said in his book The Mother that unless the entire being is turned towards the Mother, Her force cannot work. Does it mean that this force from you does not work within us?

Mother - He has not said that.

I - Then what has he said?

Mother - He has said that for the complete transforma-

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tion, the entire being has to turn towards the Divine. If any part of the being is insincere, then my force cannot bring about the transformation of the whole being. But this does not mean that my force cannot work in any other way. If you can become sincere, if there is within you a truly sincere aspiration, you will certainly feel my force.

I - Mother how does one reject depression from one's being?

Mother - Depression?

I - Yes, Mother. When I come to you, I see people spend such a long time with you. They receive so many flowers from you. And when I see all this, I think I am totally unworthy. I feel I will not be able to do your Sadhana. I am not fit for it!

Mother - (remains silent for some time, as if She were thinking of something, then She resumes speaking) To some people, I give a lot of flowers because they have some difficulty, to some people I give more time because of work. This is entirely related to work. Then, there are some people that I keep near me because if they were to remain outside my presence, they would become devils! (After this, the Mother looked into my eyes for sometime without uttering a word. Mother's look was most significant).

I - Mother, I go to the Meditation hall and sit there in order to meet you and when I am not able to see you, sometimes I become so discouraged that I run out from there!

Mother - (laughing) Do you feel jealous?

I - I don't know Mother, but I suffer a lot.

And saying this my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry, (the Mother was sitting in front of me and looking at me). Then, something incredible happened. What a marvellous experience! I will remember it forever. The Mother bent forward and with both her hands she held my head and pulled it towards her and kissed me on my forehead very firmly. She placed her lips on my forehead and concentrated in that position for some time. Then with exceeding gentleness:

Mother - Don't depend on this body of mine. Try and find me here (anal saying this She placed Her hand on my chest

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and tapped me a few time: quite strongly), find me here.

Then, once again the Mother looked into my eyes. We sat in silence for some time after which we resumed our conversation:

I - Mother, very often I feel that some negative force is attacking me. Often, when I have resolved not to do something specific, I feel constantly assailed by this force. What I had resolved not to repeat comes up once more in me, I get pulled into the wrong movement yet again.

Mother - That happens because you do not fill the empty space within you. Whenever you want to remove something from within you, you must always fill up that empty space. Do you know what happens? Imagine you want to remove jealousy from your being; no doubt, you have removed it from there, but then you haven't filled that empty space left behind with something else. As a result, that space remains empty, a hole is left there. That thing you wanted to remove (jealousy) hasn't been altogether removed, it is still lurking somewhere. You have just driven it away. That keeps looking for a dwelling to move in and you have left your space empty. When it returns and notices that its old dwelling is still unoccupied, it moves into that space once again. That is why, whenever you want to remove something, you must quickly fill it with something higher. Imagine you wish to remove jealousy, then in its place you must put in goodwill or love. Goodwill and love are things of a far higher level than jealousy! Thus when jealousy comes back, it will see that its place has been filled, it has been filled with goodwill and love. Only then will it be unable to enter you. Try doing this and see. Love and goodwill have a tremendous power in them.

I - Mother, when I am alone, I am very quiet and I can remember you very well. But when I am with other people, I am unable to do it. I know, Mother, that I must do precisely that. However, Mother... (hesitating a little), when I do not speak a lot, then there is a natural calm in me and I can keep your Presence within me. But when I am surrounded by people, it is simply impossible for me to retain that calm. I get

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carried away in their talk and begin chatting about all sorts of things and in the process, I lose you.

    Mother - Then, why do you talk?

    I - Mother, I do try not to talk too much...

    Mother - So, who is it that makes you talk?

    I - Mother, when I am in the class or when I am in the Playground with other girls or when I am in the midst of other people, I feel forced to speak. They too speak a lot and I also join in.

    Mother - Yes, people do that a lot here. They go to other people's houses, gossip and speak rubbish and in this way spoil their sadhana, waste their time and energy. Don't talk. Just remain silent. Speak only when absolutely necessary. If you need to speak with regard to your work, then it is all right. Don't speak otherwise. (Looking at me very intently) Don't speak when it is not necessary. Have you understood?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - Try and remember this.

    I - Yes, Mother.

    For some time, silence reigned again. The Mother kept looking straight into my eyes while I looked at Her. Then the conversation resumed:

    I - Mother, I feel very scared to tell you something, but I cannot help telling it to you. This has been disturbing me very much.

    Mother - Tell me, what's happened?

    I - Mother, I do not know if this is a dream or some subtle Vision or something created entirely by my imagination! When I lived in Calcutta, these incidents would unfold before my eyes quite suddenly, from time to time, and forgetting everything I would get lost in them. This would happen while I was working or studying and these incidents had no connection at all with me. My work would be interrupted, my revisions would stop, so much would I get carried away by them. This would last for some time, and then these scenes vanished. I Would get back to whatever I was doing. This hasn't stopped even after coming here.

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Mother - What do you see?

I - Suddenly, I see before my eyes a huge palace, absolutely marvellous and exquisite! I see a very well-furnished royal court with a queen seated on an imposing throne. She is my mother. I am her daughter, the royal princess of that kingdom. I am wearing a lovely pale blue Banarasi silk sari with golden zari-work on it. I am a young princess and am conscious of my beauty. I am bedecked with jewelry. My mother, the royal queen, is also dressed in a maroon-coloured Banarasi silk sari and wears a lot of rich jewels on her. Mother, this queen is actually the mother of our Ramanathan who resides in the Ashram. She is Tamil. It is she I see as the royal queen. I used to see her also in Calcutta. Seated on her throne, she is surrounded by ministers, as she listens to her subjects who have come for an audience with her. From time to time, she turns to her ministers to speak with them about matters related to the kingdom. I am watching her from a distance, from a very large verandah that is on the first floor of this palace. Standing in the verandah, I can see a part of the palace and the royal attendants bustling about. Everything about this scene is extremely refined, the palace, the court, the Queen-Mother and I! The Queen-Mother truly looks like an Indian queen. Whenever this scene emerges before my eyes, Mother, I just forget everything! I totally lose myself in it! I become another person when I see these scenes. Not mad exactly... but I become someone else! As if I was no more in this present existence. The other day, this happened to me in the middle of my physical activities in the Sports-ground. I had to tell the captain and leave the ground and sit out for a while. The captain and some other girls began wondering what had happened to me. I could not tell them anything. What is all this, Mother.? Why does such a thing happen to me?

Mother - This is a memory from your past birth. In some past life you lived in that palace, you were a royal princess.

After saying this, the Mother looked on into my eyes with a fixed concentration. Then She put her hand on my head and closed Her eyes and meditated for quite some time, as if She

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were in a trance. I kept completely silent. Then, She came out of that state and returned to Her normal self She looked at me and smiled, that enthralling smile of Hers! I was mesmerised. Needless to say, after this moment, I never saw those scenes again. I resumed:

    I - Mother, now I would like to ask you something about my dance. Have you taken any decision?

    Mother - No.

    I - Mother, I have thought a lot about a particular subject. If you allow me, I can read out what I have written.

    Mother - Yes, read it out.

    I read out what I had written, Fall from Heaven.

    Mother - Yes, it is good. You can put this up.

    I - Mother, how can I show the second part? How can I portray human desires and passions? (The Mother kept quiet for some time, as if in thought.) It isn't possible to show human love on the stage.

    Mother - No.

    I - We cannot even show You on the stage.

    Mother - You can do one thing: you can place a photograph of mine on a small platform on the stage.

    And as She said this, Her eyes closed once more. She went into a trance with Her right hand resting on my head. I was seated at Her feet. After some time She reopened Her eyes and removed Her hand from my head and gave me one more of Her unbelievable smiles. From Her look, I gathered that She had not come out of Her trance-like state quite completely. And soon enough, Her eyes closed once again. This time, Her hand was not resting on my head. That's why I could look at Her to my heart's content, my eyes fixed on Her unblinkingly. Nothing else existed at that moment. The Mother was all I could see. How exceedingly divine, Her beauty! Even in a human body She looked sublimely divine. The very image of the Divine Mother! It was unimaginable! Truly unimaginable! For an instant I was immersed in the Mother. And it became clear to me that anyone who has loved Her can never be enticed or imprisoned by anything the world can give. One day

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he will break free from that chain. If I were to use the words of Nolini-da, I would say, "he or she is finished forever". One who has loved the Mother has been bound to Her forever.

Today, 50 years on, as I have sat down to write about the Mother, I remember that auspicious moment when the Divine Mother acceded to my prayer and gave me a little of Her invaluable time and lent me Her ear. Today my heart overflows with measureless gratitude from the deepest recesses of my being. Let me share my feelings through a poem that I wrote later:

If ever I stray
from You, far away,
Or the lute of my heart
jar in its art,
I beseech you, my Mother,
Ah! forget me not!
Keep holding my hand,
Ah! Abandon me not!
Ah! Abandon me not!

If love of man push me,
To pursuits illusory;
If my love-filled heart
Can love no more impart;
Know still, O my Mother,
Of You I am a part.
Know still, O my Mother,
Of You I am a part.
Of You I am a part.

Life after life, age after age
Trash has piled up
On my being's stage.
In Falsehood's maze
If I lose you ever
All knotted in a daze,
Keep holding my hand,

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Mother! Abandon me not!
Ah! Abandon me not!

The Mother came out of Her trance.

    Mother - Don't make the dance too long.

    I - No, but You did not tell me how I could portray the second part.

    Mother - If you want to show all that, then the dance will become too long. Prepare a simple dance. It is a young girl who is dancing with simplicity and devotion. Then suddenly, she feels that she is looking for something else. Her mind is all aflutter. She goes here and there, looking for something. In the end, she realises that what she had sought, she did not get. At that point (here the Mother sit: up straight in Her chair and Her face becomes radiant), she turns towards the Divine for help. She keeps aspiring and she aspires to the Divine. In the end, her deep aspiration leads her to overcome her problem.

I cannot forget even today that radiance in Her face. How utterly enchanting She looked, celestial, incomparable!

Mother - You will need to find some good musical accompaniment.

    I - Mother, I love Sunil-da's music very much.

    Mother - Yes, you're right. Sunil will be able to do it. Request Sunil to compose something for you.

    I - Mother, will he accept if I tell him.?

    Mother - You're right (laughing!) I will tell him.

    She once again looked intently into my eyes. I too just kept looking at Her with all my concentration, as if nothing else, no one else existed before me. There was only the Mother, only Her.

    Mother - So, shall I get up, my child? Have you anything else to ask?

    I - Yes, Mother, there is something else I would like to share with you but I feel very scared to tell it to you!

    Mother - Tell me.

    I felt as if the Mother had penetrated into my being and was extracting this out of me.

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I - Mother, if I feel that I am attracted to someone, should I keep away from him?

    Mother - What do you mean by 'attracted'?

    I - If I feel some tenderness for someone, if I feel love for him, a love that might obstruct my self-giving to You, then should I detach myself from him or should I keep nurturing that love?

    Mother - Who is it?

    I - Mother, you will scold me if I tell You his name.

    Mother - No, tell me who it is.

     I told Her his name. At once She became quiet and did not say anything for some time. I felt She was in deep thought. Then, She asked me,

    Mother - Where do you meet him?

    I - When I go to the Tennis-ground for Group activities, or when I go to the Ashram for Your darshan, or sometimes I cross him in the street.

    Mother - Do you speak to him?

    I - No, very rarely, very little. I have no real relationship with him. I feel love for him from a distance. The aspiration I strive to awaken in me, I see that in him. That is why I feel this love for him. If I can develop a kind of friendship for him, then I feel it will be better for me. (Touching Her feet) All these feelings, I have them from afar. I have no physical relationship with him.

    After listening to me, the Mother remained silent. She closed Her eyes and went into a trance. It was a deep trance, for I felt She had gone away very far somewhere. I remained seated, stiff with apprehension. Regret entered my mind: why did I have to tell Her about all this? Had I kept quiet about it, what would have happened? Nothing had really happened, after all. It was just my mind's imagination. I was agitated with all these thoughts rising within me. Why had I spoken to Her? It was, after all, such a trivial matter, then why did I blurt it out to Her?

    The Mother now opened Her eyes and came back to her normal state. Looking at me, She spoke:

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    Mother - No, no. All this is full of pain and suffering. It would be better for you to stay away from all this. (Looking at me intently) Human love is full of pain and suffering.

    The Mother went into trance again. When She opened Her eyes they were filled with motherly tenderness. Very sweetly She said to me:

    Mother - Let him quietly go on with his life. You go on quietly with your daily activities. Any attempt to come closer or to build a relationship between the two of you will not lead to peace of mind.

    I - We have no real relationship, Mother. I have no connection or communication with him. We meet only rarely and we exchange just a few words. There's just...

    Mother - What just?

    I - When I stand in front of You, then this insignificant love of mine torments me to no end, it rises like a mirror before me, and tries to destroy my discernment and my sincerity. It keeps taunting me by saying, 'Where is your self- giving to the Mother?' (Placing my hands on the Mother's feet) What should I do, Mother? How can I drive this away.?

    Mother - Don't think about him, don't look at him. Imagine he does not exist. Slowly it will disappear.

    The Mother sat up straight and once again looked intently into my eyes. Seated near the Mother's feet, I placed my hands on Her lap and kept looking at Her. The Mother took some flowers from a tray next to Her and gave them to me. Among the flowers She had given me I recognised two, Peace and Purity. Then She gave me one more flower whose spiritual significance I knew, Simple sincerity. Then, She asked me,

    Mother - Have you understood what I told you?

    I - Yes, Mother.

    Mother - So, then, aurevoir!

    The Mother got up and I too at once got up with Her. Then, I bowed down at Her feet and told Her:

    I - You have given me the opportunity to dance in the 1st December programme. What You want is not possible to

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portray through dance just with human effort. It can be possible only through Your divine Grace. Grant me the strength to be able to do this.

The Mother was standing before me. She placed Her right hand on my shoulder and said:

Mother - Fine. It will be possible. So, shall I go then? It is time for the March Past. Aurevoir!

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Living in The Presence

My First Interview With The Mother

Poems by Sri Aurobindo

Spiritual Significance of Flowers

Disciples / Seekers

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