Living in The Presence

The Mother Watches My Dance

While I was living in Calcutta, I was learning music and dance. In fact, music had been very much a tradition right from my grand-uncle, Beharilal Mitra's time.  I had always noticed some very old musical instruments at home, like the pakhawaj, the esraj which spoke of a living tradition of music in the family. The memories I have of childhood are of sitting on Baba's lap and learning to sing. Baba had some grounding in music and my brothers also sang. After hearing my voice, when I was a little older, Baba enrolled me in a music school named 'Sangeet Sansad'. It was a very big school and boys and girls of diff erent ages used to study vocal music there. They taught classical music, different folk styles of Bengal, devotional songs, etc. The teachers were very knowledgeable and meticulous. Thanks to their attitude, my own attitude to music had been imbued with love and reverence. Because of this passion for music, I was able to bring back with me When I came to settle in the Ashram quite a collection of raga-raginis and various types of Bengali songs like songs of Tagore, Nazrul, Atulprasad, Ramprasad, Kirtans and many folk-style songs, and these proved to be of great help in my later life.

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    I returned to Pondicherry with Ma in 1943. On reaching, I felt very strongly that I should show the Mother my dance. I expressed my wish to the sadhaks of the Ashram I was familiar with and requested them to help me realise it. However, they all discouraged me. Shailen-da even got angry, "What's wrong  with you, Shobha.? The Mother has nothing better to do than watch you dance.? Don't you know how busy She is? The whole responsibility of the Ashram is on Her shoulders!" His words hurt me deeply. I was extremely pained and did not bring up this topic again with anyone. But I was a little girl, after all, just 10 years old then! The wish remained in my heart. One day, as I was getting into the Dining Room with Ma and Dada, we met Nolini-da and Amrita-da coming out. I spontaneously ran up to him, held his hand and blurted out, "Nolini-da, I want to dance and sing before the Mother!" Nolini-da patted my head and tenderly replied," I'll tell the Mother about it. Come and see me tomorrow afternoon. I will give you Her answer." I was thrilled as I went in to have my meal. I didn't tell anyone anything. As I sat down to eat, my heart began to beat fast. I was convinced that the Mother would say no. Then why was I so insistent? I remembered Shailen-da's words, "The Mother has nothing better to do than watch you dance?" My whole day passed full of foreboding.

    The following afternoon, as instructed by Nolini-da, I went to see him. He was working at his desk. As soon as I entered, he raised his head and looked at me, "Come, Shobha, come. The Mother has said she will see your dance." And in a voice full of tenderness, he added, "She will also listen to you sing. Don't make it too long. Take 15 to 20 minutes for both. The Mother will come to the Balcony to see you dance. Do you know Mridu? (Mridu-di's house was situated opposite the Balcony - now the house has been renovated and is known as "Prasad House".) You will dance at the entrance to her house. If you open both the doors of her entrance, you will have enough space to dance. Begin with two songs and then do

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    After informing Ma and my brother, I ran to the Balcony street. I knocked on Mridu-di's door and checked out the 'stage' on which I was to dance. Standing there I decided on the songs and dance I would present to the Mother. Nolini-da had informed Ma and Dada not to tell anyone about the Mother's coming to the Balcony. Accordingly we kept mum.

    The next day arrived! I still remember that little Shobha's face. I was in a very strange mood, as though I was going to perform a " puja'. As I mentioned earlier, right from my very first darshan I had seen and felt the Mother to be divine. And today I was going to dance in front of my Deity! The Mother was supposed to come to the Balcony at 9.15 in the morning. The three of us arrived at Mridu-di's house well ahead of time. Mridu-di had already opened the doors, cleaned the place and lit some incense. Along with Mridu-di , we stood there waiting for the Mother. My costume and make-up was very simple. I had put on a very ordinary frock for the dance and for my singing I only had my voice with no accompanying instrument. Exactly at 9.15, the Mother appeared at the balcony. Mother was flanked by Pavitra-da on Her right and Nolini-da on Her left. On seeing the Mother, we at once bowed down to Her with folded hands. The Mother signalled to me to begin. I started with my songs. I do not remember now what I sang. After that I danced. When the dance ended, She smiled very sweetly. I walked very close to the balcony, and with folded hands filled my eyes with Her to my heart's content. The Mother leaned forward to look at me and with a beautiful loving smile said, "It was good". Then She went back into the room.

    The Mother's coming to the Balcony to see a little girl dance in spite of her extremely busy schedule must have been

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a most extraordinary event in the Ashram's history! Nobody except Nolini-da and Pavitra-da came to know about it. As a child, I could not quite fathom the meaning of such an unusual event. But today, as I sit and write about this, I realise its profound significance. The experience of that day unrolls before my eyes as in a film and I am overwhelmed thinking about the Mother's unbelievable compassion for the little ones.

    The following incident happened a few days after the Mother's witnessing my dance. I refer to it because it was to influence the future work in the Ashram that the Mother was to assign to me. Nolini-da had clearly instructed us not to mention this to anyone and so we did not. But Ma and Dada blurted out in conversation to some people that I used to learn dance and music. There was a request from the Ashramites we knew, to organise one day a small programme  of dance and music at home after dinner. It was decided that after the Mother's evening darshan and dinner at the Dining Room, the people would come to our house. It must be remembered that Ashram life in those days was quite different. In 1943, there was no school yet, no Playground, there was no Samadhi. There were no cultural programmes then. The Dining Room used to open very early for dinner, probably just after the Mother's evening darshan. I am not so sure if the meditation and darshan of the Mother I witnessed in 1951 existed in 1943. However, I recollect that after the Mother's terrace darshan and dinner at the Dining Room, we all gathered at our house.

    Mats were spread in the centre room and the guests sat down. I started with a song. After the song I began my dance. Just as I was dancing I noticed an ochre silk-robed gentleman wearing an ochre cap, gold-rimmed glasses and a 'rudraksha' garland around his neck, enter the room. "I've come to watch Shobha dance," he said softly smiling. "Go on, Shobha, begin again." Kavi Nishikanto who was among the spectators told me that he was the well-known singer, Dilip Kumar Roy. I bowed to him and once again took up my song. Dilip-da was very pleased with my song and my dance

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    When I began going to Dilip-da's house for lessons in 1944, I found out that he used to organise music sessions at his house every evening. We too became regular invitees to these. Let me tell you a little story in this context. The atmosphere in the Ashram in those days was very serious and disciplined. There were practically no cultural programmes. Perhaps that is why music-loving Ashramites used to go to Dilip-da's house for listening to vocal music. One day I  went to one such programme. I went and sat right in front facing Dilip-da. The famous humourous songwriter Nolini Kanto Sarkar was sitting on Dilip-da's right, accompanying him on the tabla. To my left, in a corner of the room, stood a beautiful statue of Krishna playing the flute. Dilip-da was deeply absorbed in a Hindi devotional song about Sri Krishna. He was calling out to Krishna so intensely that little Shobha kept looking at the statue on her left as she felt that any moment Krishna would leap out from the statue!

    As I was learning classical and other forms of vocal music in Calcutta, I never felt that Dilip-da had any kind of problem to teach me music during those 10-15 days of my sojourn in Pondicherry. When I came and settled in the Ashram for good, With the Mother's approval, I received other opportunities to continue my musical education. Of course I did not learn all that I could have from Dilip-da because he left Pondicherry to settle somewhere else. However, I remain extremely grateful

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to him for everything that I managed to learn from him right from my childhood. Dilip-da was a seeker of music and his whole life was suffused with music and with Sri Krishna.

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