Contact with The Mother

THE DECISIVE TURN

From my boyhood I was following the Vedantic way of sadhana. Not only had I no interest in the Shakti aspect of the Divine, but I denied it emphatically. More than once in my life, I had had discussions with Tantrik sadhaks and argued with them that the sadhana of the Shakti aspect was a lower pursuit and should not be indulged in, that Shakti should not be worshipped. I was convinced and was proud of my firm stand.

When I was told about Sri Aurobindo and the Mother and their Ashram at Pondicherry, I did not believe in their Avatarhood, and all explanations, in this connection, of a friend of mine who had been to the Ashram and was their devotee, fell upon me like rain on a rock. There was little place for them in my heart.

Failing to convince me in talk he sent me a few books by Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. I did not wish to decline at that time. After a few days he asked in a letter how far I had studied and understood the contents of the books. But I quite flatly replied that I had neither the interest nor the inclination nor the time to go through them and that I had plenty of books of my own of far more useful and practical interest.

One evening as usual I was sitting in meditation on my Ishta Deva and telling beads with my Ishta Mantra. Suddenly I felt a strain and pain in my body, especially in the nerves, so that I became restless, and not only could I not continue my meditation but my pain seemed to be beyond relief.

Instantaneously an idea flashed through my mind that I should read one of the books of Sri Aurobindo or the Mother sent by my friend. I got up and stretched my hand towards the shelf. But what book to read and from what page?

I shut my eyes and took one of the books, thinking that whatever book fell to my hand would be the best book to read. It happened to be the Synthesis of Yoga. I opened it at random. The page was 196 of the American edition of the book (On Yoga). A long footnote is there in explanation of Ishwara-Shakti, the dual manifested power of the Supreme. In brief it reads, “Ishwara-Shakti is not quite the same as Purusha-Prakriti... Ishwara-Shakti stands behind the relation of Purusha-Prakriti and its ignorant action and turns it to an evolutionary purpose. The Ishwara-Shakti realisation can bring participation in a higher dynamism and a divine working and a total unity and harmony of the being in a spiritual nature.”

The footnote was in small print, so I could not read it but I remained gazing at it because my first look went there. I felt the whole of my physical system pacified and a sort of coolness filled it. The rosary fell from my hands. I felt myself drawn into a deep inwardness where I found a white goddess-like figure with white dress standing within me and radiating white light that permeated my body. I did not know what figure it was, but developed a natural reverence for it.

Since that day this figure has become my Ishta Deva. I began to concentrate on her and found myself offering everything to her. I had not yet seen the Mother but felt within that the figure was hers. So I started offering flowers to Sri Aurobindo’s book The Mother.

A quick change set in in my life and the Mother became its centre. When I came to Pondicherry and saw her I immediately recognised in her the figure that I had visioned.

Since then I have been the child of the Mother.